Mother's Day is Approaching

This will be a difficult Mother's Day for me as it will be my first without my grandmother. My grandmother was the one person who gave unconditional love. Everyone in the family felt it and I learned as she was dying that each of us thought we were the closest to her. She made each one of us feel so special. She might not have liked what we did and she would tell us about it but then just as quickly she would tell us how much she loved us. My grandmother also loved her Heavenly Father. Many times when my faith was shaken to the bone she would tell me that we just didn't/couldn't understand why things happen but God has a reason in his long term plan. To be honest, at times that answer just frustrated me. The thing with my grandma was that she not only believed this, but she lived her life in this way. My grandmother's faith never waivered as the buried her seven siblings, their spouses, her husband and most of her friends. When one of our cousins so many years ago had an interacial marriage my grandmother was the first to tell her that God loved us all, regardless of the color of our skin. She did not judge people as many "religious" people do. Instead she showered all that knew her with love. In the last year of her life she dealt with breast cancer. Although diagnosed earlier it was slow moving until the final year. She faced her illness with dignity and courage, refusing to leave the house she and her husband had built about seventy years earlier. My aunt moved in with her the last nine months and the hospice was there making it possible for her to have her wish. Her home was very small but I assure you it held more love than many mansions. It was filled with her treasures, gifts and pictures of her beloved grandchildren. My Dad was in the Navy for the first ten years of my life and during that time when he shipped out, we often lived with her. Much of what I am I credit her with. I have tried to be the person that she was but those are big shoes to fill. Last week I went into a store and picked up cards for my mother and mother-in-law. I saw the cards that said grandmother on them and it felt like my legs were going to give out from under me. I will never send her another Mother's Day card. I had to remind myself that ever since I could use a crayon, my grandmother received a card on every holiday. As years passed she must have received thousands.

As uaual, my grandmother has given me yet another gift of her love. For several years I planted bleeding heart plants but they never bloomed. She had a beautiful garden and yard and took such pride in her plants. Two years ago when she came she brought me a dozen of her iris. She said they were assorted colors. They never bloomed last year and when i told her, she told me not to be discouraged because she was sure they would bloom this year. When I arrived home from the hospital I found FOUR bleeding heart plants all blooming beautifully. That made my heart smile. Yesterday I walked outside on the pation and guess what I found. The irises (all of them) are going to be blooming soon. They are all going to be lavender or a purple (lavendar was her favorite color.) I feel as though she is still sending her love, through nature.
I know she is at peace and in a better place but I still miss her so. There are so many reminders of her everywhere.

Today will be a busy day. I have to run in one direction to the hospital for a blood test. I will stop and pick up a few groceries and then come home for a few hours. This afternoon I will be going to see the pulmonologist. Yesterday I coughed a lot again and I am hopoing that was a fluke.


I hope all the MOMS out there have a wonderful Mother's Day. A special salute to stepmothers. It's a big undertaking to take on the children of a spouse and I see what many of my friends have gone through. They deserve special recognition.

Stop and notice the beautiful flowers today.

A Day to Celebrate

Today is my baby's birthday. Yes my baby boy that was born thirty years ago. In my deffense, I was still a teen when he was born. ( I turned twenty three months later but hey technically I was a teenage Mom!) At the time he was born I had a strange feeling that he would be my only child. When I told his father that as I held him for the first time he looked at me like I had lost my marbles. In hindsight, I believe it was a premonition of sorts. Three short years later I was diagnosed with Hodkgins Disease. At that time the treatment was massive radiation. Chemo was still very new and unproven. I had the maximum radiation I could have from my ears down to my navel. I never could get pregnant again. I always comforted myself with the knowledge that at least I had one child...and he was the picture of health.

On my son's sixteenth birthday he began to lose weight. During the following month he got chicken pox and was very ill. He was having all kinds of bizarre symptoms and I knew that drenching night sweats were a bad sign. I took him to the doctor (a pediatric hemotologist) late June and she said that he had experienced "bone marrow blowout" but his counts were coming back. She wanted him to see another hemotologist/oncologist. That doctor agreed with her but warned us that this was something often seen in children before they developed leukemia. They told us to wait a month or so and see how he was doing. He had continuous blood tests during that time and the doctor said he needed to have a bone marrow aspiration on September 4th. I was a wreck having had one myself, I was so reluctant to have him experience it.
The doctor finally agreed to give him some mild sedation in order to do it. They would also hospitalize him for the day.
Shortly after the procedure the doctors came in and told us, there was no doubt he had leukemia. It would be about a week before we would know what kind. They told us ALL or "childhood' was easier to treat.
Thus began our three and a half year ordeal with that long chapter of our lives. There is a happy ending to the story. :)
Tom is alright now. Yes, he does have some difficulties which we believe were caused by the agressive protocol he had. I consented to let him be in a trial program with NIH. It was his ONLY hope of a cure. Without a sibling, a bone marrow transplant was unlikely. He had been registered and there was noone that was a possible match. So today while I celebrate the birth of my only child, I also celebrate his second chance at life. I don't know why some children lived and other's didn't. It's something I will probably never understand. I just know that things were so scary at that time. My ex couldn't handle it and I was like a single mother making all those decisions and hearing all the bad news. He didn't go into remission by the time they wanted him to. That was a bad sign. I learned that EACH patient is a unique individual and we don't work on time charts. There is ALWAYS hope.
So today my baby boy, who is now a man, I thank God each day that you are still here with us. You have taught me so much about life. Many times you are the teacher and I am the student. I am so proud of the kind and caring person that you have become. Of all the things in my life I feel the proudest of you. I hope that all the days of your life will be filled with love and kindness and a sense of well being. I am also so grateful that I lived long enough to see you grow into the man you have.

Feeling Whiney

On Friday I pushed myself and then I really paid for it on Saturday. I am not sleeping well. Coughing wakes me up and then I ache from coughing and my muscles are sore. I hate feeling so miserable. Even when I sleep ten hours I do not wake up feeling rested. I have been awake since 4 a.m. It's now ten and I need a nap soon.

I feel like all I do is complain and I hate that. What is really odd is that friends who virtually ignore me for weeks or even months are calling a lot. I don't really feel up to talking. I have nothing to say and I am tired of repeating all the medical information over and over. Besides, there are no concrete answers. they were never able to culture the organism that has wreaked such havoc in me. That means it may not have been treated with the best antibiotic for it. I must patiently wait and see how I feel. Yesterday we went to a diner to get something to eat. My appetite is off and I have lost weight. I could afford to lose it, but I am just not eating nor do I really want to right now. Ordered a favorite meal and I was able to eat about half of it and brought the rest home. They had the a c on and I was chilled to my bones. Rob and the other diners seemed comfortable. I just never feel comfortable and that is something that we take for granted. There seems to be no position that feels right. I keep telling myself this will pass. When???? My mother is having a meltdown of sorts. Her main caregiver for my Dad quite with no notice. She is having many strangers there.Most of them cannot move him.
Many days he is stuck in bed and this is not good. She was never happy with the former guy and complained nonstop. Now she is still complaining about the new people and paying a lot more money. I don't think she can ever be content.
I dont' know how she can stand it. I am normally a happy person. Just feeling sick for months on end has really gotten on my last nerve. I debate whether to post or not. I don't want to bring anyone down but this is just how it is for now. I keep telling myself that this will pass. I just need to be a bit more patient.

Doctor Visit and Decisions to be Made

Today I have an appointment with the infectious disesase doctor(s). They are the ones who decide what tests get done, and what antibiotics I should be taking. They are also the ones to evaluate the tests and determine what is going on. I have a complicated and difficult case. They have never been able to culture the bacteria that has caused my problems.
They know it's there based on the four bouts of pneumonia it has caused, the fevers and they vegetation the test showed on one of my heart valves last November. The problem is there are so many things it could be. Last time the infectious disease doctor came to the decision it was staph and had me on vancomyacin for six weeks intravenously. Since this pneumonia appears to be a relapse of that, they are thinking that was not the drug Ineeded. Problem is, again they have not been able to culture it. In the hospital I was on five different antibiotics for a week. The pneumonia responded quickly to it. I came on on two of them and today they have to decide whether to continue with these, change them or stop to try to get a blood culture showing something. This is not an exact science without the information they need.

My rib and back areas are so painful. About a month of continuous coughing which has not all but stopped. I had to call the doctor and get something for the pain yesterday. I had a better night but hubby was unable to sleep and woke me up a few times. Once I am awake I am aware of the pain and it takes time to drift off again. Good news is he was too tired to go to work and will be available to drive me to the new doctor's. Have not been to the office although I have an idea of the general area. I am hoping for answers, but the reality is the answers may be awhile coming. Sometimes you just have a bad year where you are sick a lot and those illnesses are not related (this was said by the lung doctor.) I know that my body cannot continue to recover my major illnesses just months apart. I am hoping they will find something that they can work on. I want to get back to my life....my friends, my job and seeing family. Oh....and shopping. lol

Another lapse of work

It's official....I am out of work on temporary disability again. Until July 1st. This is so disheartening for me, even though I know it's necessary. I should be building up social security benefits and such, getting my full, not partial salary. When I return to work, I will owe them for all the benefit copays that are not being taken out of my paychecks in the months I am out. I am someone who would much rather be at work than out on disability. Still, I realize that my body just cannot do it today. I was supposed to report this morning for jury duty. My doctor faxed a latter over and I have not been able to get confirmation via phone that they received it. Just another thing to worry about...or not.

My aunt and cousin came to visit my mother over the weekend. I got to visit about an hour with my cousin and sister and a bit less time with my aunt. I am not really up to company right now. After an hour my mind wanders off and it feels like work to try to stay focused enough to participate in a conversation. I fall asleep so easily and when I can, I just want to slip away. My muscles are in a lot of pain from being strained from the coughing bouts. My back hurts also.
Well, time for a brief nap. I did make it to the hospital for a blood test this morning, actually ran into the Walmart across the street for a few minutes, came home gave myself my IV and now I am ready to kick back.

Trying to cope...

At times I feel I simply cannot go down this road again. I am having the horrible spasms of coughing and night sweats that frankly scare me to death. I wake up soaked and freezing. If I lived alone it would not be a problem, but Rob has to get up for work at 5:30 and I cannot throw the lights on and jump in the shower at three a.m. There is also a matter of my PICC line. For those of you who don't know what this is, it's a semi permanent IV in your arm. It's near the elbow which is not a comfortable place to have it. I have two dangling lines that I give myself Ivs through. I am also having to give myself shots in the fat of my belly to thin my blood since the medicine which normally does this is being interfered with by all the antibiotics. The shots themselves don't hurt but the medicine burns like a bee sting a few minutes later. I do this twice a day. The rest of the day I nod off and on. I am so weak and sick and hurting. From all the coughing I did the past few months I pulled a muscle which is very painful. I am using heat and taking tylenol. The only thing that really helps is when I take the codeine cough syrup for the nagging cough. That eases the muscle pain.

My poor Rob. He is frustrated. I had hoped he would get some emotional support from people that has not come. He called his family when I was admitted to the hospital nearly two weeks ago. Noone even called him back to see how he was doing. My family is so overwhelmed with my Dad's care and my sister-in-law's recovery. She just had a knee replacement after several other surgeries on her leg from a car accident about a year ago. My mother's sister and my cousin are coming today to try to help out. It will be the first time Mom and her only sibling will be together since their Mom's funeral and I'm sure with Mother's Day approaching it will be quite emotional. How I miss my grandmother. When I was sick she was always giving me emotional support and making me handmade cards and things like that.
Rob is wonderful. I cannot say how hard he tries to do anything to make it better for me. I am miserable though and nothing helps right now. Food is a huge turnoff once again I have trouble getting anything down or if I do it's such a small amount. I still have weight to spare thankfully because I am down nearly fifty pounds from my highest weight five years ago. I am down about thirty-five since last September.

I wish I could say things are going great. I know they will get better and each night I pray I will wake up without coughing so much or in a sweat. I believe everything in life is to teach us lessons and I have had to repeat this class since last Sept and November and I must be missing something.

Returning Home.......

Saturday a week ago (April 10) I had to go to the emergency room of the local university hospital. To say I was sick would not begin to describe the condition I was in. I was coughing up blood, gasping for breath and quickly after arriving to the ER (where they whisked me right in, no waiting) I learned I had pneumonia completely in the right lung and seven huge areas of pneumonia in the left lung as well. I had a temp of about 103 and I was told by hospital personell that I looked horrible. At this time they called in a new team of pulmonologists and infectious disease doctors. I was just released this afternoon. I had another PICC line put in on Saturday. I will be on home IVs again for several weeks as well as some very potent oral antibiotics. I learned today that I am on the best one for lungs and that the cost was over a thousand dollars for the rx. Thank goodness for health insurance.
I am still coughing and will be for awhile. I am weak but at least aware of where I am. Last week I have no real memories of my first days of hospitalization although I had many procedures done to determine that the infection was not in my heart valve. They believe it is not there but are treating the infection as aggressive which it has been. This time they are going to do their best to completely knock it out.
I will write more later in the week. I'm still fuzzy.

And the fourth time in ten months................

Yesterday I went down fast and hard. Previous days had me feeling semi alright until about dinner time. My fever began about eight, broke during the night and the daytimes were better. Until yesterday. Yesterday I woke up feeling poorly and called and left a message for my doctor who has seen me twice in the past ten days. My fever started by 1 p.m. and was rising rapidly and I felt horrible. After waiting for hours and not receiving a call back, when Rob arrived home I told him I needed to go the ER. (I never am willing to go to the ER unless I fell I am in real jeopardy so Rob knew I was not good. We arrived there at six p.m. and they made me wear a mask. Hard enough to breathe without the mask but I am usually an easy patient. I got back into the room within an hour and they were drawing blood (cultures as well) and sending me for another chest xray. The doctor saw me coughing up stuff and took a sample of that as well. It turns out that once again I have a pneumonia. This one is in my right lung where all the trouble started to begin with. In the same spot. The blood counts showed an infection and the number had increased a few thousand since earlier in the week. That's not terrible. I was given a prescription for antibiotics and sent on my way. My doctor had returned my call about SEVEN p.m. leaving a number where I could call her. I think I need a new doctor. I am going to start looking. She knew that I was really sick and I have a big problem with her waiting six hours to return the call. Am I being too hard on her?
When I spoke to the girl at her office I explained that I needed to speak with the doctor. Could it be the person relaying the message didn't do it clearly or promptly? When I was there on Tuesday, the doctor told me someone would come to take my blood work in a few minutes. About half an hour later I left the room and tried to find someone. The office was nearly empty and they had no idea I was waiting in that room. (Mind you, after the blood work was taken I was going to the hospital for a chest x ray.) The doctor had left for the day. If I were not so sick, it wouldn't be a big deal but I feel I am seeing a pattern of inconsideration and/or disorganization. Please tell me, am I over reacting?
Thank you all for your good wishes. I am hoping that once I get this knocked out it will be an easy Spring.
One thing that looms is the possibility that the heart valve infection is still there and causing yet another sickness. It will take time and patience to find out.
Rob went yesterday and picked up our tax forms. I am getting a refund. That will compensate me for the three and a half sick days I just took which will be unpaid.

Surprise Surprise

I know this will come as a great shock but I have been sick again. OMG I am so sick of being sick that the word sick makes me angry. For the past ten days I have coughed literally hundreds of times. I have been given dirty looks by people and have explained at length that I have bronchitis which my doctor assured me was not contagious. I have come home from work for the past week, eaten a light dinner and headed off to bed. Even sleeping ten hours a night didn't seem to help. I finished the antibiotics and yesterday afternoon I just had to go back to the doctor, leaving work early. The doctor heard noises in my lung again. She sent me to the hospital for a chest x ray which thankfully showed NO pneumonia. The blood tests did show another infection. I am tapering off steroids and now on yet another antibiotic.
Last night I was so sick I actually felt like it might be the end. Sicker than I felt in the hospital with pneumonia and the heart infection. My temp was rising and I guess it broke in the middle of the night. I awoke to a pool of sweat and my entire body and pajamas were as wet as if I had just climbed out of a pool. I am running a low grade fever and I am waiting for results of the blood cultures. Hopefully they will show nothing.

I have told Rob many times that I have a different take on life and leaving it. When I was just 23 years old I learned I had cancer. At that time the treatment was massive radiation. I now deal with the damage of that radiation and the loss of my spleen at that time. It has been a constant battle with dealing with health issues and determining that I would have a quality to my life. I have enjoyed my life despite the health battles. To survive cancer and have 32 extra years is no small fete. I have undergone surgeries and had to have a heart valve replacement. That was catastrophic in many ways. I am still forging on and I will for as long as I can. Having said that, I have enjoyed so much in my life, never taking one day for granted. I will never cry because it's over but I will smile because it was. I hope that when I am gone people won't remember the surgeries and the illness but they will remember my smile and laughter. What a long, strange trip it's been and I wouldn't have wanted to miss any of it.

Tuesday

Yesterday I talked with the doctor who said I needed to go fill the steroid prescription. I did and had about three hours of sleep last night, was up another hour then got one hour more of sleep before the alarm went off at 7 a.m. I hope I get a lot more sleep tonight. I did make it to work today, although there were several episodes of me coughing to the point of gasping for breath. Yesterday I did manage to get to a hair stylist who took several inches of thin and dried out hair off. I was so happy to hear her say she saw some new hair growing back. My sides have lost much more than the back. I also got my tax prep stuff to the accountant and made a quick run to Staples. I had to get some more plastic envelopes to sort things for the new tax year. I am so anticipating a nice refund this year. Our income for 2009 dropped over $15,000 from the previous year. Rob was unemployed for half the year and with me being out on disability for five months total, we took quite a loss while our medical costs were thousands higher than the previous year. I am getting caught up and grateful for that.

I cannot believe I still do not have my Easter decorations out. We are planning to get them out tonight after American Idol then hop into bed. I have bought very little in the way of things for the Easter baskets that I prepare for the men in my life. (I have a husband, son and two furboys.) Furboys do not get baskets but a small toy and a treat. We had Duffy groomed last week and he looks so handsome. The cat keeps his fur immaculate so is self grooming. Since I have been sick again my Smokey has been hovering near me.

My eyes are tired and I'm going to sign off and shut down the pc and give them a rest. Stay dry.

Sick again.......

The past few weeks I have been plodding along, putting into motion new things that are going on at work. There have been some big frustrations for me and I know that I cannot blog about them. I will say that my new boss is supportive and that has been a big help. While she tried to help me she was not able to make the decisions.

On Wednesday one of my coworkers came to work very sick. Or maybe it was Tuesday. Midday he left to go home as by now his voice was gone. He didn't return to work until Friday, by which time he was well. In the meantime I and another coworker came down with the same ailment. The other young man (who is one of my favorite coworkers ever) seemed able to throw it off and was taking some over the counter meds. I cannot afford to do that with the prescription meds I take. I made it through the week but last night I began to feel very ill and discovered I was now running a temp as well as wheezing from my chest. I called the doctor this morning and she agreed to see me. (They reserve a few hours each week for Saturday appointments for people who are sick.) She told me that I had bronchitis but didn't think I had pneumonia again. I already have three inhalers and she advised me to use them and gave me an antibiotic. I filled it and am trying to rest this weekend. She gave me a note and advised me to stay home Monday if I was not better, call her and come back in, possibly for a chest xray. I am supposed to get a lot of rest and I am on the sofa with the tv on. I sure hope I am feeling a lot better by Monday. I have no sick days. They were taken for the first days when I went out on temporary disability. It's a constant mind battle for me: when do I use a sick day as I can only call out four times a year, trips to an emergency room don't count as unscheduled call outs but with a large copay it's not something I can do frequently. I know in this economy I am lucky to have a job. I just wish I were healthier and didn't have to worry about losing it for call outs.

Sleep Please

I am having trouble sleeping. It's probably because I have so much on my mind these days. My brother took my mother yesterday to Motor Vehicles where they turned in my Dad's license so he can be taken off her car insurance. He has not driven in about a year and a half and since he is in the condition that he is, it was foolish for her to spend money on the insurance but as long as he lived in her house as a licensed driver she was required to. It was an emotional day for both of them. My brother often comments that my Dad is gone yet still here.

I believe I mentioned in another post about my hair. It has been very distressing to see handfuls coming out each day.
I have actually started washing it every other day to reduce the loss. The dermatologist sent me for blood work and for some reason the lab sent a copy here. Somethings I just do not need to know such as all the abnormal cells they found. I have been reading and I fear that my artificial heartvalve is the culprit. It can "TEAR UP' your red blood cells so that they cannot transport the oxygen. At work we often have to walk downstairs and across the building. Oh how I have come to dread this. Coworkers pass me and I am gasping for breath and simply must stop. One young lady, Janis, is a sweetheart and waits for me. She has health issues and recently returned to work herself. She knows how hard it is. It also appears that although I am on blood thinner my platelets are up to 445 which is high. Well, blood thinner does not affect the number of platelets it just makes them less sticky to avoid clots. My calcium is also very low. I cannot wait for the doctor to call me back and discuss the results. I am doing my best to shove all this knowledge to the back burner of my mind. Today I purchased shampoo recommended by a few hair dressers which they say will feed the hair follicles. $30 for the large bottle for each product. I also bought four tops for work and new earpieces for my Ipod. My Leprechaun got new Timberland boots which he needed for his warehouse work and three shirts. We had lunch at Ruby Tuesday's. We always get the tiny mini burgers and the salad bar. I treated myself to a glass of red sangria. Yum!
Rob has gained so much weight since we got married his wedding ring no longer fit him. It is being resized 1 1/2 sizes larger! It's a nice ring which he uses for dress. He has a different ring he wears for working.
We accomplished a lot today. Errands, shopping and some time just for us this morning. I am really tired but we will catch the HBO movie before bed. Hope to wind up the taxes tomorrow and check the bank statement.
It was so sunny and beautiful here today. Hope it was where you are too.

Update

Yesterday we managed to move the furniture out of the way. Our guest room has the same furniture as Deborah and Raymond's if you ever watched the show. The armoire is VERY heavy but we managed to move it to pull the carpet up from the corner. We had to move the bed and everything except the computer hutch. We found the padding was saturated as well as the floor under it. We spent all day using a space heater and a blow dryer and a fan to get the floor and carpet dried. We went to Home Depot and bought new foam padding which Rob was able to put down with just a staple gun. That cost us about $35. Finally by after ten p.m. we were done and exhausted. In the course of removing the padding I managed to step on a hidden rusted carpet staple and my foot is sore. I am going to reach my doctor this morning and arrange for a tetanus shot. Not sure when my last one was. I called out of work to take care of that. We barely slept this weekend and when we were awake we were doing a lot of physically demanding things. I am tired. Going to take care of the shot, get some groceries and try to rest a bit. I do think we managed to get the carpet and floor dry quickly enough not to have to replace it. It doesn't even smell although I will have it shampooed.

Hopefully things will go smoothly today. Keep your fingers crossed!
By the way, many people in New Jersey are still without power. One neighbor told her that our electric company gave her an expected time of TUESDAY. Thankfully, they did better than that.

Beware the Ides Of March

March has been really hard on us. After my blog posts yesterday we lost our power. It was out for nearly 24 hours. During that time I learned that FIOS is a major rip off because I paid a fortune for phone service so that in an emergency without power I would have phone service. WRONG and why did they not tell me this? You have a battery back up that if you don't use perhaps will last for hours. When they asked me to change to FIOS they never advised me of this problem, with my health issues I would not have agreed to it. SOOO our cell phones were not charged the night before, we each had one bar and we lost the house phone a few hours into the power outage. At dinner time I took some boneless chicken breasts and a stir fry mix that had a lot of soy beans in it, over to my mothers and made dinner for all of us.
Thankfully I always make extra food. We recharged our cells and the laptop and came home about 8 p.m. During the night I woke up in a sweat, the house was freezing and my heart was pounding. No doubt, the stress of it all. Our heat finally came back on about 8 a.m. this morning. I walked into our guest room which holds the computer hutch and Rob's computer, and found a wet puddle on the carpet. At first I wondered if one of my fur boys had an accident (which is rare for them) but realized it was just water. This morning we pulled the carpet back and the area is very large with wet foam padding and wet carpet. We have a fan and a heater trying to dry it. I think we may have to replace the carpet which is rarely walked on. It was builders carpet and is eight years old but we are good with keeping our carpet vacumned and shampooed. I'm sure it would be a minimum of $600 to replace it. We'll see what happens. It's just that on top of the dryer, Rob's major and my minor car repair, the grill replacement and Duffy's vet bill, we need a break. My Sheltie Duffy has developed something (a growth) just above his eye. Our visit last week included a blood test for his thyroid that we paid $50 for and I am still waiting for those results. I have called twice and been promised a callback. She gave us an antibiotic ointment with a steroid in it and told us to apply warm compresses a few times a day.
The "growth" has not changed and she said it would have to be surgically removed if it gets bigger.
We just need a break of time where nothing is going wrong and adding stress to our lives. We have enough already!

A Soaking Saturday

We are getting p0unded today with heavy wind and rain. The rain was hitting the windows so hard it woke me at 4 a.m. I have actually been up since then. Once I wake I become aware of all the things I neglected to do before I went to bed because I was so tired. I then feel compelled to do them even though I am still very tired and my eyes do not want to open.

Yesterday we both got paid. I sat down and promptly paid bills and was truly amazed that $1,200.00 left us as quickly as it arrived in the bank. The cost of living seems so high these days.
I feel like I am being held hostage to have decent internet and television. If I go with the cable company for internet it means I must supply the router and set it up myself. That seems complicated. I am currently using Verizon Fios and it is ridiculously overpriced and doesn't always work as great as they say. They did give me a free wireless router and that I like. Still, not worth what I am paying for it. Several of my neighbors bundled using cable and their phone service is horrible. My son did the same thing and the phone has been a nightmare. All seem to be told it's their phone when they call. The phones that don't work seem to work find at my house so I think there is another issue. Rob is working today. We are getting caught up on our bills, even the medical bills that are still trickling in. I feel good about that. I just hope that I can put some money back into my emergency fund that was used as it is low.

I saw a doctor this week about my hair. I believe I blogged about this already, but my hair is drastically thinning out. I don't want to say falling out because it sounds so severe but each time I wash it, or dry it, or even brush it, there is a handful of hair. My internist blamed the illness, my lack of vitamins and protein in my diet, but suggested I see a dermatologist. He feels it might be those causes but is doing several blood tests, saying it's more likely something hormonal. I have been trying to eat soy and drinking soy milk which I am not fond of. I am also taking iron and a B complex vitamin, hoping that will help. It has become difficult to make my hair look nice for work. I can put it up but that seems to be causing breakage. I will have to get several inches trimmed off as it looks very thin on the bottom.

I am getting back into the routine of life as it was prior to my illness. I must say I actually feel better now than before it was diagnosed. I am hoping my energy will continue to return, even stronger. Things seems so much better than they did. Well, I am off to do some filing of papers and going to attemp to get my tax papers altogether so I can get them done. I expect a refund this year.

Another Week Draws to a Close

What a week! We had the dryer repair, the car repair, a major snowstorm and other minor ripples in our universe. Last night Rob came home after working late (we both worked a bit of overtime this week, he much more than I) and wanted a nice hot shower. He turned the water on and found there was no hot water. I was downstairs in the kitchen and felt the water heater which was ice cold. We have a neighbor, Ken, who was a plumber but who has a terrible problem with his back and has been out of work for quite a while. We called him and although he couldn't do anything physically, he told Rob what to do. It seems out darling fur givers had generated enough fur to clog up the pilot light and it had gone out. We got it lit temporarily and he will show Rob how to properly clean it on Sunday with a special kind of vacumn and tool. He refused money so I will buy his family a grocery store card as thanks. This brings our total repairs to over one thousand dollars in ten days (well including the purchase of the grill.) YIKES. Each time I even think of not working or going part time this is why I don't do it. My goal is to try to get my car paid off this year. In the event I would have to be out of work again for any illness, that would take a lot of pressure off.

I am feeling so much better than I did the entire 2009 year. That makes me feel so optomistic. Let me tell you, if you don't have your health you have nothing. I look back and don't know how I managed to go to work and perform. I was that sick for months on end. I am hoping as my breathing continues to improve, to build more stamina and get in better shape. I would like to lose even more weight as I think I have more energy from that alone.

I had a coaching session at work today. I was very pleased. They are impressed at how quickly I have adapted to the changes and my performance is at the top of their scale. I take pride in that. My new team are a great group of people. I am the "new kid on the block" and there are a lot of times I might feel left out but I shake it off. Although you spend a lot of time with coworkers I always try to tell myself that they will come and go and are not the people who are trulyimportant in my life. This last round of illness helped me to be more patient and tolerant. I find less and less bothers me as my focus is on MY health and reclaiming it. I am also trying to identify what activities will be relaxing for us as the weather warms up.

It's going on 11 a.m. and I have been up since about six this morning. I am tired and going to call it a day. Rob is working tomorrow and I plan to do a few relaxing things for myself in the morning. I am so glad that his check will be more next week and we can knock some of these bills out quickly. Rob got a small raise and that will help too.

One other thought.....my cousin in Maryland sent me a message. The blizzard damaged my grandmother's dogwood tree she loved so. For some reason, that upset me terribly. I realized that most days I have to push thoughts of her away so that I can function, especially at work. It just seemed that maybe the tree was not as strong without her and I think of her house being emptied out and her things dispersed. She loved her tiny home and her sentimental things that she treasured so. I have to tell myself that I carry her with me in my heart and in my memories but there are days I feel I would give anything to be able to see her smile, or feel her hug once more. Even though I told her frequently how much I loved her, I wish I had done it even more. I long to hear her voice just one more time. Rest in peace beloved one.

A Long Weekend

( Smokey on our computer)

Yesterday our second big snow storm hit us. I was nervous driving to work in the slush. When I first arrived I was the only one there on my team. Later two more people came in. Around noon they decided to let us leave and get paid for the rest of the day. I hurried home and my sweetie was here with the dryer repairman. My dryer once again is working. I am so happy but I felt $236 was a bit on the high side since it was a fuse blown. It did require two visits and the guy showed Rob that we had to be more careful cleaning out lint. He feels that is why it overheated in the first place. As though that were not enough excitement for the week, Rob's car broke down on Wednesday on his way home from work. It had to be towed to a garage and it was a big repair. The water pump went and the mechanic found that the timing belt which was due, needed to be done. He also saw other belts that were worn and we had them taken care of too. The final bill was about $600.00. On top of the dryer bill.

Earlier in the month I urged Rob to pick a grill as a belated birthday present. Our old one was in terrible condition. It was eight years old and rusting out inside. We found a great one at Lowe's $150 off and we had to get the cover and some new utensils too. My paychecks for the next few weeks are spoken for. I know we will really enjoy the grill. My brother and his wife picked it up for us with their truck and when they delivered it,they gave Rob a grocery store gift card for some steaks for it. That was so nice. My brother also helped us with the car repair.

Today I tried to go through the kitchen and refill things like the spice rack on the counter. Made a large grocery list and after supper we went to the market and got many staples we needed. My doctor said my hair loss is due to vitamin loss from my illness and many meds. She wants me to have a lot of soy and protein in my diet. For dinner I made a wonderful stir fry with edeme or soy beans. There was some chicken in it also and it was really good. I made a homemade apple cobbler yesterday and had that for dessert. I bought some soy milk which I have never tried before. It certainly is expensive. She also recommended I have a sugar free Carnation instant breakfast in the morning. I got that. I feel that I do eat very healthy so it is frustrating to have these problems. My hair is so thin now and the strands left are as fine as baby hair. I also have an appointment to see a dermatologist to make sure there is nothing else going on.

Can't believe I still have our weekend ahead of us. I am looking forward to taking it easy. The only thing we must do is take our Sheltie to the vet on Sunday. He has what almost looks like a hive by his eye. It may be nothing but I am very cautious with the health of my furbabies. They have been going crazy with the snow. Smokey is an indoor cat but we allow him out briefly in the fenced in section of the yard. He hates the snow and getting his feet wet. Duffy loves the snow and hates to have to come back indoors. They are such individuals.

Hope you all have a relaxing weekend.

US Pride

I am so happy that we won over Canada in hockey....except that Martin Brodeur my secret crush is the goalie for the NJ Devils and was on the Canadian team. Did I mention he got whacked in the head by a puck? Knowing how tough he is I only shuddered for a moment. I have never enjoyed sports until I went to a hockey game. My first was in 1990. I was hooked on the NJ Devils. If only I could afford season tickets. Of course it would be very difficult to attend the games and get up the next day for work. I am far too practical, even in my fantasies I guess.

Today at work I was the recipient of a lot of prizes of sorts. I got a notebook that I really like (for a survey that was very favorable), three strands of purple mardi gras beads, a keychain with an LED light and an Amazon bookcard. It's nice to get recognition for your hard work.

I am very tired today. Took my iron but I am still dragging a bit. Coffee gets me through the day. Hoping for a better night's sleep. It's just too tempting to stay awake to watch the Olympics. More later in the week.....

Winding Down

It was a rather hectic week for me...both good and bad. The week started off with me going back to dealing directly with customers where I work (it's a call center). This can be very stressful, especially when you are getting used to all the policy changes and a major revamp of one of the computer systems you are in. Things had changed drastically and I really didn't know how I would manage to catch up. I watched other agents for two weeks but that is totally different than navigating through the system yourself, making one wrong choice can cause you minutes. Customers are not always patient. On Monday, I was reluctant and was given another day to prepare. Tuesday I went live. Fortunately, I have many friends where I work and they all were very helpful. My new supervisor and department head were helpful as well. I am so relieved to be with this new supervisor and her team. One of my former teammates is with me as well. She is so helpful and a very kind person. My past two supervisors were young men and it's a totally different environment with them. This new team are the top performers in our department and we were gifted a party of sorts with two hours off work. We had a room in which to eat a Chinese buffet and lots of enjoyable things to do, such as a pool table and Wii. It ended up with us playing music and these people were so much fun! I am getting to know them personally and they are one great group of people. Our department head joined us and he is a lot of fun too. I really like him. He gets a lot of things done to make our work environment better. I feel so relieved that my job feels so much less stressful.

On the home front my dryer broke. I've had it eight years. It's a Maytag and I bought it for the quality. Not top of the line but it's been great until this week. The repairman is coming this morning. I had washed two tubs of clothes before I learned the dryer would not start. After work I ran to my neighbor Stacey's and she told me to come dry the clothes at her house. I had intended to go to a laundromat. (After all my recent illnesses I was not looking forward to exposing my bedding to more germs.) I thanked her profusely and while the clothes dried, we enjoyed some white wine. When I count my many blessings, I always put good neighbors at the top of my list. We are blessed with a melting pot of people who are all helpful to each other. This is the lowest income area I have lived in (meaning my development, not my town) but these are the most generous and helpful people. I find that so interesting. I lived in an affluent neighborhood previously and those neighbors were never helpful. In an emergency you never knew if they would answer their doors. How sad.

I am still experiencing some dizzy spells and when I walk I still have shortness of breath. In addition to that, my hair is thinning out a lot. I had blood test and I am anemic. I am starting on iron supplements and hoping that will help with the hair issue too. Having less stress at work has certainly helped me. I am going to bed earlier and trying to make sure I get more sleep.

That's about all I have going on here. How are things in your little corner of the world? It's going up to a heated 40 degrees today and the huge mounds of snow continue to melt. Making chicken marsala for dinner. Life is good.

Under the Weather

Yesterday at work I was not feeling too good. I toughed it out and we had training in the afternoon and I struggled to stay with it. Came home and fell asleep immediately after having dinner and missed the opening ceremony of the Olympics. Crawled into bed at 10:30 and slept until 7 a.m. which is late for me. I got up and let Rob sleep in. His back is really bothering him. We went to Walmart and got a few things this morning then we went to Lonestar Steak House for his belated birthday luncheon. He got a steak he loved, sirloin with crumbled bacon on it. We then came home and just as we finished a cup of tea my sister called to say she had seen a desk in a used furniture store I might like. We went and looked. I should have taken pictures of this store. It's like being in a huge flea market but the store itself used to be a grocery store. The aisles are overflowing with things and many have shelves that are six or eight high. Dishes, Christmas decorations, furniture, you name it, they have it! The roof was leaking I'm sure from the melting snow. We couldn't get up and down every aisle. One desk interested me but that was already being held for another customer. When my desk top computer went we took apart and threw out the large computer hutch. It had been moved several times and was being held together with screws. It was wobbly and with a laptop I use my kitchen table which is far more comfortable and convenient. Rob's computer has a computer hutch that matches our guest room furniture.

Valentines Day is tomorrow. My thoughts on love and a significant other offend some. I do not believe that there is ONE person in the entire world for you. I don't really believe in soul mates, at least not the way most people use that word.
If people were 100% alike a relationship would be quite boring. What I do believe is that too many people put all of their chance for happiness on one individual. My friend D (who does not read my blog) always talks about her soul mate B.
Mind you, when they met she told him that she was already divorced twice and had been cheated on and that is one thing she would never tolerate. He swore by the sun and the moon that he would never do such a thing. Well, guess what he was doing the last four months? When she found out, I basically asked her, if that was the ONE thing she had told him she would end their relationship over and he did it, didn't she feel he was sending her the message that he wanted out?
He swore all these other things and then two weeks later left her for the other woman. Shortly after that she made some statements to him and he came back. She swears this is because of his devotion/promises to her. In my opinion, she is being ridiculous. If she was together herself, she would let him go but she cannot because he is her "EVERYTHING and she is nothing without him."

Firstly, I believe an individual needs to have love and respect for themselves. Far too many people think they will find a person who will fill all the holes they have. They need to fill them themselves, sometimes with the help of therapists or friends but not by someone who they will then never be able to let go of. We are complete individuals, not halves looking for the other half of ourself. Too often this person who feels only partial will look for someone who seems romantically interested and proclaim them their soul mate. They will then put the responsibility for their happiness on this individual who in time may crumble from the pressure of it. That is not to say that someone in a crisis cannot lean on another person for a time. When people meet they can fall into a romantic love. That is usually when all the courting and often commitment take place. In time, romantic love lessens and they make a decision to love the person. IF they make the decision to, they will make all their decisions, hopefully, based on their "love" for the person. If they decide not to, or if they rethink and change their mind about the decision, they will allow themselves to consider other options. Twice in my life, although in love with someone, I realized that they were having a very negative impact on me and I made the decision to end the relationship. I do realize many people are in bad relationships because they lack the strength to change the situation OR it's not possible for them to due at a given time.

The best feeling in the world is to CHOOSE to love someone and to keep reaffirming to ones self that this is right for them. Having said that, to know that they are a total person on their own and should something change, they will be okay. We all come into this world alone (birth is a solitary experience) and we all leave the world alone (so is death.) I fail to understand why some people cannot go for weeks or months without having someone in their lives. I have a wonderful caring and loving significant other. I rejoice that he is in my life but I know that regardless, I would be okay.
Knowing that allows me the freedom to choose to be with him.

Happy Valentines Day to all of you. Rob, this is our tenth Valentines Day. They all said it wouldn't last. The day you told me that you would have me no matter what, if I had the courage to marry you or not, I knew you were the one for me.

Blizzard Conditions and a Day Off Work

I woke up about four a.m. to see that it had snowed several inches. I was really wondering whether or not I would have to work but leaning towards yes. I called work and they said at that time they were open, but if you felt it was not safe to come in, you could opt for a vacation day. I then called Rob's work and found they were closed so I decided to take the day. I get ten hours a month to use for sickness/vacation. It's not a lot of time so I try to be careful about how and when I use it. All my accumulated time was used when I went out on disability last September. I called the weather line later and was told that the building was closed and we would be paid for the day, and would not be expected to use our days off. Hooray! These are the times I love working. Rob slept in and I took a two hour nap between ten a.m. and noon. He used the snow blower to assist a few neighbors and is now trying out his new Wii game Resorts. My Internet connection varies. I have FIOS and am wondering if we might lose it altogether.

Rob and I have had an upset recently. It seems last summer when I posted that I was hurt because I was not allowed to see his niece, his mother's family members told her I posted "horrible things about her." Anyone who knows me, knows this is absurd. You would have to be pretty stupid to post something on Facebook that you didn't want spread around. Secondly, the post was about MY feelings and not his mother. His cousin railed on in her postings which prompted many of my friends to post saying that what she was saying was untrue. The greatest irony of all was how his cousin said I should have kept it all private. She could post all she wanted on FB but I should use better judgement. The fact is that I cannot understand how his mother would believe this. If someone came to me and told me such a thing I would
A. insist on seeing the actual postings
B. confront the person and ask them why they did it.
I would not simply get angry about it and bring it up nine months later. Rob told her that he had read the posts. In fact, he made one, defending what I had said and pointing out the inaccuracies. His mother basically told him that he was not being honest when he told her I did not post anything horrible about her.

Life is very short. I no longer have the time, patience or desire to deal with this trivial b.s. I am an open and honest person. It has been difficult at times to deal with repercussions for speaking my mind. I will not have people in my life who wish to cause chaos or hurt others that I love and try to blame me for the pain they inflict. What makes me so very sad is that Rob has a niece who lost her mother two years ago. The whole thing started when his mother came through our town on the way back from Michigan. His mother lives in Rhode Island. She called Rob and told him she would meet him at the mall for dinner and he could spend ONE hour with his niece who lives three hundred miles away. Rob told her that I could not be there because I had just returned to work a few weeks earlier after a bout with pneumonia. She said that she was on a schedule and would be there at that time. He told her if she wouldn't accommodate me he would not come. She called him the next day and talked him into meeting them, even though she knew I could not join them and I was devastated at knowing his niece was so close and I would not be able to see her. I asked my boss if there was any way I could leave early and he told me absolutely not. I called and left his mother three phone messages telling her how hurt I was. I got no call back and neither of us heard from her for months. To this day, I have not spoken with her. She calls usually when she knows I am not home, still working. (She used to call Rob only on his cell phone but gave up when he stopped answering it during working hours.) I discussed this with a therapist who told me that she shows me no respect and that she seems to want to cause marital problems for us. I know she pushed her daughters to get divorced, one did and the other who is still married, moved far away. As a mother, I cannot understand why any mother would not be happy that her son found someone he loves, who loves him and has a good life. Granted, he lives far away but when his sister was dying we both took off work for a week and went to be there. We also went up several weekends during her illness and several times right after her passing. I don't understand where she is coming from or why. I guess I don't need to. I just need to distance myself. I would never discourage Rob from spending time with his niece or his mother. I just can't go through anymore right now. I am still grieving over the loss of my grandmother, watching my father slowly die, and trying to regain my health. That's enough. All else has to be put on the back burner. All my life I lived to please others and care for others, now it's going to be about me, at least for now.

Snowy Sparkling Saturday

Friends I finished my first week back at work. It was really a good week. In my absence my previous supervisor was promoted and my former team dispensed to other existing teams. I lost many people I had been with a long time. One friend, Jasmine, is on my new team with me. I have known many of the people on my new team and they are lovely people. For the first time, I have some women who are mothers of grown children and I related much better to them.
Some of the younger people show respect to those of us who they consider their elders by calling us "Miss Nelle" or Miss O. They are very helpful and smiling and laughing. We have a happy group. Our supervisor name is a lovely woman who is intelligent, thoughtful, kind and supportive. She expects us to do what we should, but will assist us in any way we need.
I really look forward to being a part of this group. Our entire department got a new top manager. I like him as well. He is so much more personable then people of the past. Our company has made some wonderful changes recently. I was so nervous about returning after four months off but I returned to find a new computer, a new team, two new bosses and a feeling of excitement. It's all good.

Just yesterday I received my disability check which I should have received Jan. 3rd. If I were on my own, supporting myself I would have been in serious jeopardy. As it was, I owed every cent of that check. This Friday I will once again get a paycheck from my employer and can finally be caught up. The cost of food has gone up significantly here. I honestly don't know how people in this area could make it on one income. I find that I am spending at least $50 more per week over last year.

It began snowing about 11 p.m. It hasn't stopped and I would guess we have 20 inches on the ground right now. My mother only lives about two miles away and she is very upset that the health aide she has for my Dad is not going to come at all today. My Dad is a big man and trying to change his diaper at 200 lbs is very difficult. He cannot even stand on his own so getting him out of the bed or into his wheelchair is not possible for her. On days Bryant doesn't come it means my Dad remaining in bed which put him at risk for bed sores. Rob is snow blowing out our driveway but the roads are really bad. We could get there but neither of us can lift Dad either. He is paralyzed on his right side and when you touch that arm he cries out in pain. It's so difficult to care for someone in this condition. My mother turned 78 last week and I don't know how much longer she can do this. It is just so costly to put him in a nice place and she feels that he worked so hard (often two jobs) and he should be able to be in his home he worked so hard for, as long as possible.

We have a pot of stew in the crockpot. Since being told I was anemic I have been trying to eat more beef and the dizzy spells I was having seem to be less and less. Time to catch up on blogs, Facebook games and emails. Hope you have a great weekend.

Early Morning Thoughts

Taken about seven years ago: Rob and Jennifer

It's Wednesday morning. It's Rob's birthday. Am I prepared? That would be a negative. I started back to work on Monday. It went better than I expected. Last time I was out on disability about a year ago for about six weeks when I returned I was expected to take calls immediately. Since things change frequently, that was a bit overwhelming for me.


There have been many changes this time over a period of four months. I have a new boss, a wonderful lady named Shonda. She is kind and patient and is giving me the time, and preparing for me to receive the training I need to continue in my position. There have been some real positive things that have happened. I will have an opportunity to make more money than in the past as a bonus system is once again in place. It's very exciting.

I have been awake since 2:30 a.m. when Rob got up to use the bathroom. Unfortunately, I am sleeping very lightly. It is now 6 a.m. and I start work at 9. There is a beautiful snow falling, we are only expecting an inch total. I am going to try to take about an hour nap now before getting ready for work. It has been a long time since I actually felt excited about my job. It's a good feeling.

I'm going to pick up dinners from our favorite Italian restaurant for dinner. When birthdays fall midweek and you are both working full time, it's hard to celebrate properly. I'm sure we will do some celebrating over the weekend. Birthdays are bittersweet for Rob. His baby sister, Jennifer's birthday was the next day. They always had a joint celebration and shared a cake. We lost Jen to cancer two and a half years ago. She would only have been 36 tomorrow. What makes it even harder is that she left a daughter who is now only ten years old. Jen was divorced when her daughter was a toddler.
Her daughter is being raised by her grandmother. Sometimes life is hard and throws things our way that no matter how we try we cannot make sense of. There will never be a February 4th where we don't grieve for our beloved Jen. At the same time we feel her with us and we laugh about some of the great moments we had with her. She loved her big brother and she never ended a phone call with telling us she loved both of us. It just doesn't get much better than that.

So happy birthday dearest Rob and Jen you live in our hearts and always will baby girl.

Saturday

It is very cold here today..to be exact 9 degrees. Yesterday Rob and I ventured over to Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. We were in Intercourse to be exact visiting the Kitchen Kettle Village and the Candle Barn. It was a pleasant day but each time we had to go out into the twenty degree temps it was rough. We ended the afternoon by going to a buffet type place that my family has raved about for years and we had never been to. It's called the Shady Maple. When I was younger I loved places you could eat all you could want. Not now. I had some salad and one plate and a small desert and could not wait to get home. My stomach hurt! One of the things I had was a piece of fried chicken. I avoid fried foods and rarely have them. It didn't sit well at all. I have decided that others may enjoy this type of eating but I would rather be home having something baked or grilled and eating smaller portions. I did appreciate one day to do something. Although I was out of work for four months I never spent one day doing anything pleasurable. The days were filled with all things medical; paperwork (for the insurance company and disability), phone calls with the infusion company and doctors and doctor office visits and hospital lab visits kept me busy. At this point I am still waiting for my January money from disability. So far I received $150 which was used in ONE day for two co pays and a script. I will be returning to work this Monday. I am eager to get back and have a steady paycheck coming in. With this economy and living in a state which is very expensive to live in, it has been a real stress er. I missed a total of five months work this year which reduced my income drastically. Rob was out of work and on unemployment from January to June. In July he began a job where he took a pay cut because of the economy. I have never been so concerned as I have these past few months.

My sister is turning 50 tomorrow. She is going to be in New Jersey soon and we have a small cake for her. We all give cash as it's so hard to know what to buy people. On her last visit I gave her the box containing her childhood Blue Willow dishes. (We each had our own set.) She was thrilled that when my mother wanted to get rid of them and at the time she didn't want them, I took them and put them away in my closet for her. Her set was intact, not one piece broken.

It looks like it's going to start snowing. My aunt said it was snowing this morning in Maryland and I feel sure it's going to make the way the east coast. I just hope I don't have bad roads to travel on my first day back on Monday. Wish me luck.

Gentle Snow

I have been up since about five a.m. when my darling dog which today shall be referred to as Duffenutter started to sigh heavily. He does this when he wakes up early, is bored and would like someone to get up with him. Very frustrating for tired humans who need a few more hours of sleep. I came down and let him out (at this time of day how grateful I am to hav a fenced in hard to let him out in as opposed to having to walk him.) I began to read email and such and then noticed it was snowing. A lovely and gentle snow. I love it most when I do not have to go anywhere. Today I have an appointment in just an hour to have my car serviced. I want them to check my pedal to see if it is sticking as I have one of the models being recalled by Toyota. I also need an oil change.

I just sent an Email to the HR person at work to arrange my return interview Monday morning at nine a.m. I just got an auto response so have to email someone else in that department. I am planning to return to work then and trying to get psyched up for it. It will be so good to have a steady income. Once again, disability stopped paying me. In January I received ONE partial check for $150. My doctor had initially said I was going back January 4th. She sent follow up paperwork but after several attempts I finally spoke to someone on the phone who told me they never received it. The doctors office faxed it over yesterday but it takes two weeks to process. By the time I get a check from work I should receive the other check. I had hoped to get a few items for returning to work but they will have to wait. I look forward to seeing my coworkers again. They have kept in touch with me via email and have been very supportive.

A Birthday and an Anniversary

Today is my mother's birthday. I took her to the Olive Garden for lunch (her choice). It was a bit frustrating as we got there and there was a waiting line. My father's caregiver was only supposed to be there for two hours. We just made it back in time. My mother always gets the least expensive thing on the menu. I told her to go crazy and get something elaborate but she wouldn't hear of it. I love their salad and it was a nice lunch. Tonight my sister-in-law Stephanie is having a cake for her and both of my brothers who live in New Jersey, their wives and us will be there. This is the first birthday for her without her mother who always made it a big deal. I also gave her a stained glass angel holding a small heart that said "God's greatest gift he can give is a mother's love". While some might disagree, her mother truly was an angel and she knew it was in honor of her mother that it was given. My sister is coming this weekend. She turns fifty on Monday so there will be another cake then.

Once again I experienced some frustration with diasability. They never received the last updated form from my doctor. This is the ONLY document they will accept for processing a check. I called the doctor's office who told me it had been mailed Jan. 14th. Called and waited and waited and finally spoke with a human being who said the form had never been received. I was given a fax number and had it confirmed and they were faxing it over. This means no check since the one I got for a few days about three weeks ago. It will be another two weeks before I receive payment for January. Unfortunately, my car payment is due before then as are some other bills. My car is another source of concern. I have a 2007 Toyota Camry. Once of the many being recalled for accelerator issues. My son is so concerned and begging me not to drive the car. I must to get to and from work. I had an appointment tomorrow to get the car serviced but they tell me there is nothing they can do until the company tells them what to do regarding the recall, or sends me a letter. I have to worry about making the payment on a car that I am concerned about driving. It just doesn't seem right.

Time to throw a light dinner together before heading over for cake and coffee (decaf). I hope to get started on the new book tonight or tomorrow. My Shelfari has suddenly appeared although the book I just finished is not showing and I'm not sure why.

Third Book I've Read: The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein

Yesterday I read an entire book, The Art of Racing in the Rain. I simply cannot tell you what a great read it was. If you are an animal lover, specifically a dog lover you will want to read this book. The main character is Enzo. Our book begins when Enzo is picked from the litter by his owner, Denny. At that time Denny is a single man whose dream is to be a successful race care driver. It takes us through Denny's life, as things change and time moved forward. I don't want to give away too much of the book, although I guessed a lot before it actually happened. Suffice it to say that although Enzo cannot communicate verbally with his master, he lets him know through barks and gestures what he feels he must. Enzo is so endearing and intelligent. We all dream of owning a dog who fully understands us. Denny has that and so much more in Enzo. Even though there are moments of sadness, overall this book was very uplifting and it ends on a high note. One of my sister-in-laws will be having knee replacement surgery soon and I am going to buy this book for her to read as she recovers. I know she will enjoy it very much. It would make a great gift for any dog lover.

I am up very early today. I plan to get to the market early and get the items I need to make my chili. I have been craving chili since the cold weather hit. Actually it warmed up quite a bit yesterday although it rained all day, very heavy at times, with strong winds. I should have time to start another book I have waiting here. It was highly recommended to me by a coworker when I told him that the man who built my old house was a holocaust survivor. I have been eager to read it for months and finally went to Barnes & Noble and bought it. I want to get it read before I return to work. That should be next Monday. I have such mixed feelings about it. I really like most of my coworkers and the environment I work in. It's just that I wonder if I have the energy for the long days. I use several computer programs which I have not touched in four months. When I am not an active employee (such as being out on disability) I am completely locked out of the system there. I cannot even read my emails of which there will be hundreds until I return. Four months is a long time to be away from all that. I expect that they will understand and give me time to get back in the groove. I certainly hope so. In the meantime I am trying to get all my tax things together, everything I can in order so that when I return things will be less stressful here. I find that organization prevents stress. I have a place for everything and my house is small. That means staying on top of things which I am finally able to do once more. I am hoping that February will find me back in my daily routine and feeling better than I have in months.

(I have signed up with Shelfar but cannot get it to display on my blog. Rob also tried to do it on his blog with no luck. If anyone has any tips on this, I would be happy to have them. )

Giving the Man His Props

Sometimes I think we take our significant others for granted. Sometimes it's easy to have someone jump to help you and always put you first because you are the one with the health issues. Even though they have their own health issues, yours seem to be more of a danger. My husband got yelled at by his mother when he told her that his sick wife was his priority. I have driven myself to the ER more times than not. I have had surgical procedures that I didn't tell him about so he wouldn't worry about getting off work. He worries far more than I do.
Today I wanted to put a face to the man I blog about, Rob. He is a gentle, sweet and loving person. In fact if Rob had A fault it would be that he is too nice. Too nice to people in the past who took advantage of his kindness and generosity.
I try to do everything I can to make it up to him for all his help. In my previous marriage, I was on my own. When I had cancer my ex took off ONE day the entire time. I had to get family members to drive me for radiation treatments and doctor visits though his employer told him he could have all the time off he needed and he would be paid for it. It hurt me so much that he didn't choose to be with me during those difficult days. My son was only three years old and a handful.
I look back and wonder sometimes how I made it through those times. Rob has been through so very much with me. He has NEVER once failed to offer to be with me for anything. He has never complained that a high percentage of our salaries go for medical expenses. He is kind and supportive and all I could have hoped for and so much more.
So today I stop and say thank you. You're the best and I appreciate you more than words can say.

Moving Forward

I fasted and went Wednesday morning for my blood tests. It felt like I was donating blood. My results came back with a mixed review. My INR shows that my blood thinner was not working the past two weeks which is odd. It actually is affected by everything else that goes into my body: foods with vitamin K, any other medicines (particularly antibiotics) and apparently the diabetes or medication for it. I am going to have to keep on and get retested in a week, third week in a row. Normally once a month is fine. My white count, which indicates infection, is down significantly and I am thrilled about that. Dr. D says he is "cautiously optimistic." I am still anemic which started when I was last hospitalized in November. I think this accounts for the dizziness/weakness I am sometimes feeling. I will pick up some iron today and resume having cream of wheat for breakfast. It's difficult because I love hot, healthy cereals for breakfast such as steel cut oatmeal but because of diabetes I must have protein. My main sources of breakfast protein are eggs and peanut butter. Peanut butter is usually on toast and I usually make the eggs into an omelet.

There was a huge drama in my family this week as my brother was coming. He had been told in the past by my mother that he could not bring his dog. He called a sister-in-law who had volunteered to keep my mother's dog at her house so he could have his dog there (she didn't know my mother had already vetoed that idea.) She went over and my mother got so upset about the situation. My mother had a medical appointment this afternoon and I was going to take care of my father while she was gone. When she called me this morning she said my brother and his wife would be leaving at the time she needed someone so I would still be needed. I was a little frustrated. I am very tired and dizzy. I told her I was disappointed that they were here for the first time in nearly a year and couldn't do this. She called back half an hour later and said she misunderstood and they would do it. I plan to curl up in a chair when I am done writing this entry and snooze for at least an hour. I am just wiped out. I'm sure it's the anemia. I am getting concerned as I must return to work in ten days. I don't know how I will manage being so tired but I simply must.

One of my friends got very upset about all the donations to Haiti. She made a post on her Facebook saying that while she also felt sorry for the people of Haiti she is working full time and has been sick for a month and cannot afford to go to a doctor. (She recently left a husband with a substance abuse problem after giving him yet another try.) She wrote and said that her family members who would never offer to help pay for her doctor visit had all bragged about sending money to Haiti. I understand her point. I did gently point out to her that she has a roof over her head, a warm bed and food to eat. She states that she eats one good meal a day and that is all she can afford. Life is hard sometimes.

Two down...one to go (books that is)

I just finished the second book by Julie Powell, Cleaving. I enjoyed the end much better than the beginning or the middle. The ending was about her travels to Tanzania and the Ukraine. The first part of the book begins with her where book one ended. She is still married but decides to become a butcher. The details are far too graphic for me and I winced my way through several parts and no doubt will not want anything with bones in it for awhile. The first book was more interesting to me and at times it was difficult to keep reading this. The details changed but the grizzly parts were there and they seemed to take up far too much of her "story" for my tastes. On a personal note, if I had an affair and my husband was gracious enough to hang in there as hers did, I certainly would not want to document it in a book where all his friends/family could read some of the details that noone need know. Her obsession with her love interest has details that I personally would have been embarassed to reveal but to each his own. I will be starting the third book which was recommended to me by a coworker in the next day or so. I have having some difficulty sleeping through the night so this allows me to do more reading.

Yesterday I went to my eye doctor. I have a mild case of glaucoma which he treats me for. I was diagnosed very early and use drops so it has always been well controlled. When I was in the hospital in September I was too sick to remember/tell them about the drops. I didn't have it written down or with me and it slipped my mind. When I came home I was so ill, I never resumed using the drops and then a few weeks ago I remembered. In November I had to cancel an appointment with this doctor as I was hospitalized at that time. I finally made it there, two months late and had to confess that I had not been using my drops and needed a new script. He dialated my eyes to see the nerves. He was relieved that the high dose steroids had not been a problem, as they can increase eye pressure and mine is too high to begin with. I got my new script, made a follow up appointment for July and was on my way. My sister was at my moother's for the weekend. We went there (Rob was off for Martin Luther King Day) and we visited with my Dad. Rob graciously agreed to stay with my Dad until the aide arrived so we got to leave about half an hour early for our lunch to celebrate my mother's upcoming birthday. My sister won't be here on the actual day next Wed.nesday. We went to our favorite Chinese restaurant. At six p.m. I had an appointment with my cardiologist. I have been having some dizziness at certain times so as a precaution he has me wearing a heart monitor for 24 hours. He doesn't think it has anything to do with my heart but wants to be certain. I picked up my eyedrops on the way home and it hit me that I spent $130 yesterday for medical in ONE day! Two specialist copays of $40 each and the rx copay of $50. I think that's outrageous.
I only received $155 from disability because again, the doctor listed I MIGHT go back to work Jan 4th so they only paid me through the 3rd. I have had to get her to fill out yet another two forms to get this back pay. If I were depending on this money to eat I would have lost a LOT of weight.

I am very tired. It's 6:15 a.m. and I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. I think I will now though. My eyes are weary. Rob took off Wednesday to go to the dentist. He was overdue and I am hoping that the dentist might be able to do any work he might need the same day. We have to get the cat to the vet and then we will be all caught up on all our doctor/vet/dental visits. It's a good feeling. It is my firm 2010 wish that my health this year be good and my energy and focus can go to other things. I love life but I can't enjoy it when things go as they have the past four months. It's got to be better in time for Spring!

Kitchen Mishap

The past two days found me feeling pretty well...much better than I have. I went shopping to Costco, the warehouse type store and stocked up on freezer items. Today I went to a store that was having a large sale on things that I don't need a large amount of. I decided to broil steaks for dinner, that's a treat we don't have too often because of the cholesterol. I turned the broiler on and put the lightly marinated steaks under it. About fifteen minutes later the smoke alarms went off. I didn't notice much smoke so we were wondering what set them off. Rob ran upstairs and checked everything there, as the alarms up there were making their shrieking sound as well. I opened the living room window and fanned the alarm and eventually it stopped. The odd thing was that the smell was like wood burning. It did seem odd that the odor was near the stove. Finally after we began to eat I had a moment of clarity. Rob had bought me some new cookie sheets after I had complained that he had damaged the ones I had. I suddenly wondered if the papers had been removed from them (and the glue!) I opened the oven and the papers were sort of baked and the glue was a melted mess. Rob painstakingly removed the baked brown paper and glue. Now the new sheets have some scratches but they will be usable. He had purchased some nice Kitchen Aid ones. Oh well. I have learned not to get upset over the small things. Problem is, being it's so cold outside, having the windows open is making the house very cold. I figure there are very unhealthy chemicals in the air right now and am airing out the entire house. Luckily it was warmer today.

My sister is coming to my parents for the weekend. My mother is going to be going to Maryland to take the things she wants from her mother's house. It will be done in one short day with my sister-in-law driving her in her large truck.
I know this will be a very emotional time for my mother. My sister will be taking care of my father, and I will be assisting her. She's a take charge person and I don't get in her way.

Am having real sleeping issues, getting up many nights before 4 a.m. This will be a real problem if I don't get back on schedule before I return to work in roughly two weeks. Have a great weekend and stay warm!

Take My Pets....please

For some reason, the past few days my animals have been misbehaving terribly. The cat comes flying out of his covered litter box like he is being shot out of a cannon and tears through the house to antagonize the dog. He also sits in front of the sliding glass door and cries and cries to go out. Once out he wants back in within a few minutes....the only thing this does is let enough cool air into the kitchen to cause the heat to cut on again. The dog also wants to play the revolving door game but he whines. His whine is high pitched and annoying and he does this to both Rob and I when we are watching television. Often he is outside and will begin barking nonstop yet does not want to come back into the house. I am not sleeping well and my patience when I am this tired, is not enough to tolerate these behaviors. I know that animals are not always on their best behavior (well neither are human beings) and normally I cope better than I have.

Yesterday I had to run several errands. My day started with a trip to the hospital to have my INR checked. (It was high so that means a recheck in a week.) I then had to take yet another set of temporary disability papers to my doctor to fill out. I am thankful she doesn't charge to do this as some doctors do because she has had to do it so many times. I then went to the bank to deposit my check and dropped off some coffee and donuts for my parents. When I got home I took a long, hot shower to help me warm up. I sat down and before I knew it I was napping again. I don't know how I will get through a work day when I return without a nap but I know I must. I checked the weather report and we were due for snow flurries last night with temps of 22 but none came.

In the early days of AOL I was part of a chat room that became so very close. We had a meeting in North Carolina in 2000 which was so much fun on a three day weekend. This is actually the place where I got to know my husband, Rob. That is a story for another day but these people were wonderful and I became friends with several of them. Two of them attended our wedding and ironically, the guy stood in when our best man didn't show because he was having relationship problems and was coming 300 miles and chose to go out drinking the night before. He has since gotten his life together and Rob forgave him. The group has sort of been reunited via Facebook. Some I had been in touch with all along but things like this keep life interesting. I have come more and more to realize that in life you just cannot have too many friends. Some are more acquaintances than friends but others are friends who have stood the rough test of time.

Finished Book 1 (Two to go)

I finished Julie & Julia today. To be honest, Cynthia ( of a Crazy Quilt Life) had reviewed it so well it inspired me to read it and I have the sequel Cleaving waiting here to be started tomorrow. To be honest there were parts of the book that turned my stomach. I was a vegetarian for several years when I was in my twenties. One day I looked at a package of meat and simply could not bring myself to eat it when cooked. Even now periodically meat will have no appeal to me. At other times a great steak can be a fabulous treat. I am always preparing many kinds of vegetables and even though we eat meat, we eat very healthily and from a diverse menu. Having been a patient who experienced a few procedures I would rather forget, the very words bone marrow should not be used when talking about recipes. EVER. I had to gloss over some of that and I am not a fan of the concept or taste (I was forced once when I was ten years old to try liver. Not by my parents, but by an eccentric great aunt.) I cringe at the thought, although I understand some people really enjoy it. To each their own. I have a sister who married a man from a European family who do the gelee' with the chicken and other meats. It certainly did not seem appealing to me but then again neither does cold beet soup which many people enjoy. I grew up in a family where my mother hated to cook and my Dad for the first eleven years of my life was in the Navy and rarely home. We did a lot of hot dogs and McDonald's (which was really new then, remember the golden arches?) Dad was raised in the South and felt no meal was complete without veggies (such as okra, butter beans or spinach) and bread and butter. When he was home he simply never understood why we acted as though we had never seen veggies before. Several years ago my mother confessed that right before he left on a trip he would go to the commissary and stock up with canned goods and fill the freezer with meat. Once he was gone my mother sold the cans to neighbors at a small profit. This gave her money to buy the food she wanted! My father laughed so hard and said he should have been able to figure that out when we showed no recognition as bowls of spinach were passed around. As an adult on my own I have discovered that I love broccoli, carrots, brussel sprouts, cabbage, chick peas etc. When I met Rob he had been exposed to a small variety of foods too. He eats so many things now and we are always eager to try a new recipe. Slaughtering animals or crustaceans is definitely not something we would want to do. Yes, if I buy chicken breasts they are already boneless.

We are in the throes of a real cold snap here. I find it difficult to breathe when outdoors and am trying to breathe through a scarf when possible. I ventured out briefly to get a much needed pedicure. My feet get terrible cracks in them and it is therapeutic in many ways. My "Scarlett O'Hara" red polish is just a bonus. I had not had a pedicure since my early hospital day back in September and was long overdue. I made a lovely dinner in my crock pot today. Chicken breasts, potatoes, carrots and onions in a mushroom sauce. I vary things each time I do it but it's always tasty and we needed something hearty today. Yesterday I made French onion soup and it was wonderful. I am buying all low sodium products and getting used to them. Not sure what is on tomorrow's menu yet. We plan to take down the last remaining Christmas decorations from outside, the lighted garland and large wreath. The place looks so lost without them at g a warm and relaxing weekend.first.
Before we know it all the Valentines Day stuff will be out. Hoping you are having

It's Ccccccold Here

It is bitter cold in NJ. Yesterday I ventured out in what I was told was 20 degree temps. I talked to two friends in Florida who told me it was only 28 and 30 where they were so then I felt better. Sorry ladies. Misery loves company. I ventured forth to Hallmark where I traditionally buy my Christmas Cards for next year while they are 40 to 50% off. I cannot stand to pay full price because I send out about fifty and with the postage costing more each year it's gotten quite expensive. I saw this year that one friend didn't send. I had not sent about a dozen cards that I had last year. I also gave four fewer gifts. (These were to family members who don't give me anyway.) Family discussion is continueing about stopping the gifts. It's so interesting to see the different perspectives of each person. Member A says it's not fair for her and hubby to give to anyone else as they are the only sibling without children and for years they had to buy for the children. (Note: when they came to my house for dinner they brought us a tree ornament and my son never received a gift but whatever.....). Member B states she has no husband and her kids are grown and I am the only one who gives them so why should she give A's husband? My feeling is when people are feeling like this and analyzing in such detail that the spirit of giving is long gone. Gift giving is never an equitable situation. Most of my life I gave to family members or friends who had several children while I had one. That's life. I am tired of thinking about this and I just want to stop myself because of the emotional turmoil that I get pulled into. With four siblings and their children, and now one brother has four grandchildren it's a large family. Even token gifts for that many people add up quickly.

Anyhoo....yesterday I treated myself to a trip to Barnes and Noble. I have been eager to read Julie & Julia and with being so sick and busy with doctors I hadn't taken the time to get the book. After reading Cynthia's blog yesterday with her reviews of both books it lit the fire for me to go get them. I got them both. I also purchased a book that a coworker Ari had recommended to me. I will be reading that and let you know how that book is. I am excited to be reading again. I am not sleeping well and my eyes easily fatigue. Last night Rob tossed and turned and I don't know if he will get through the day himself at work. He does have some comp hours coming to him. After working for his employer six months he finally got some sick days. Previous days when he took me to the ER went unpaid. When you add the $100 copay to that, they were expensive days. My insurance company told me my last week at the hospital was $57,000 just for the facility bill let alone the doctors. This is mind boggling to me and I simply cannot imagine not having medical insurance. No matter what, that is a priority for me. I am eager to see what will happen in the insurance arena. As more private companies are contributing less and the burden on the insured increases it makes many of us who have to rework finances to allow for medical costs.

I think I need a nap...my eyelids feel droopy and I have been awake since 4 a.m.
When I awake I will dive into Julie & Julia. Something to look forward to. Thanks Cynthia for the inspiration. :)

Belated Happy New Year

Let's see today is January 3rd so I am just a few days late in wishing everyone a happy new year. Yesterday we worked very hard around the house, taking the tree down and putting the ornaments and some decorations away. I take great pains to see that the ornaments my grandmother made us are carefully tucked away and that the paper mache' Santa my son made me is put in it's special box for safekeeping. All these things represent tradition and love to me.
I have been enjoying the new laptop but there are some drawbacks over a desk top. Firstly, I had a very large monitor and I am spoiled by that. Yes, I have made the text bigger but on a smaller screen that changes the look of a page. This can make it difficult to harvest my farm on Facebook. Honestly, this should be my worst problem. lol

I got a Christmas card snail mail yesterday from my cousin who found my blog, accidentally she said. Interesting story there. We are actually double cousins. My grandmother's brother was her grandfather and my grandfather's sister was her grandmother. Her Dad and my Mom had all four of the same grandparents and all the same aunts and uncles. They were more like siblings, especially since my Mom was an only child until she was twelve years old. When we were little kids we both had four kids in our families and they would often come from a neighboring state to visit. We would sleep on the floor and give her parents our bedroom and it was great fun. We got married about the same time, had our first child about the same time, and ironically got married for the second time just months apart.

One of my friends is going through a very bad time. As individuals we all differ but I am struggling with her decisions. I have told her repeatedly that only she can make the decisions that will change her life but it's hard to sit back and be quiet when I see her choices. She told me that her husband is her EVERYTHING. Without him she is nothing. I tried to explain to her that she has herself and that noone in life should be your everything. That is too much pressure for your partner. She also believes in soul mates and that this man is her soul mate. If someone does things you know you yourself could never do, how can you think of that person as your soul mate? Instead of holding him accountable she blames the woman that he got involved with. I gently reminded her that that woman didn't even know her but that he was the one who made promises to her. While I worry about the delicate emotional state she is in I struggle with trying to understand it all. I have to remind myself that this is not mine, it's hers and she has to be the one to deal with it. While I can listen it's she who must pick up the pieces and go on without the person she planned to be with for the rest of her life. I'm so happy to know that as much as I love Rob, I would be okay on my own. We come into the world alone, and we leave alone. I don't understand why so many people find it difficult to spend time alone. (By the way that friend doesn't even know about my blog or read it.)