For a few hours of good sleep

I have not gone to work for three days. You would think I would be well caught up on sleep. NO WAY! Yesterday as soon as I got to sleep the doctor's office called for blood test results. Back to sleep and a few short minutes later my grandmother called to see how I was doing. At this time I got upstairs and came down for a cup of tea. My sister called from a specialist's office to another doctor' s phone number. This went on ALL DAY.I signed into Facebook figuring that is a stress free activity and then the IMing started by one friend. I have been through so much with her. She is married to someone I begged her to get away from. After he abandoned her while she was having surgery in one state, she managed to get back here. While I was going through a divorce, she wanted to live with me but I said no. I did buy her groceries and help her. Next thing I knew she was back with Mr. Trouble again. She won a lawsuit and he wanted to get married suddenly. They did and I wasn't invited to the wedding. Shortly afterwards he took her money, her car and was gone again. She let me know but then backed off for a long time. Now suddenly she has reappeared on Facebook and is looking for more support. I have told her several times that I have my hands FULL. Yesterday when she wanted to tell me all about this guy I told her I have been down this road with you so many times. Your kids begged you not to do this and here you are again. I'm sure she wanted help. Sorry. Not going there again. She saw a friend of mine on Facebook and began talking to HER. That irked me. I have now blocked Facebook IMing. I need this like I need another lung full of fluid. I am going to shower and see if I can get a nap in. I am wiped out. Mentally and physcially.

OH NO :O

Folks I just can't get a break right now. (Except that I know some super people like Jennifer and Susan and others who always add some sunshine to what would be dismal days). I have been having problems breathing and for the past few days it was worse. I left work early yesterday hoping to get in and see my doctor. Couldn't yesterday but did today and she thought I had pneumonia. In my right lung (it's the troubled one apparently). She sent me to the hospital and sure enough the thing is filled with pneumonia junk. Now I will be out of work the entire week. Thank God Jennifer sent me a basket containing lots of sugarfree goodies (Thank you Lord!) and it will be on my night table. At times like this I pray for a laptop to magically appear but sadly it doesn't. Maybe Santa but that's a few months off. So I am gasping for air at times. Those times are when I make any movement. Thankfully I have a handicapped parking tag so my voyage from the car to the x ray department was only about a quarter of a mile in which time I felt sure I would collapse. I was almost tempted to steal a hospital wheelchair but I frown on stealing. So, for the rest of the week I will be around. Can't say I will be enjoying myself. I feel run down and my oxygen intake is low right now. There is a birthday cake on it's way to me. I know this because Rob would NEVER not get me a birthday cake. Just praying it has strawberry filling. I am only going to have a small piece. Pinkie swear.

A late night

Haven't been sleeping well at all. Last night I was awake from 3-6 a.m. Then fell back to sleep for 45 mins before going to work. Today I was allowed to leave early without pay at one. I went to the hospital for my blood level check and then rushed home. I watched the Michael Jackson memorial. I went through a lot of Kleenex. Called my mother who was at an ultrasound test with my father, Bryant the caregiver and my sister. They stopped for pedicures on the way home. Bryant (God bless him) lifted Dad so that he could soak his feet and have his massage and nails cut. They were very gentle with him and they got back home safely. Once there the doctor called. They ordered the ultrasound because my Dad groans and sometimes yells when his arm or hand is touched. This is the paralyzed side which happens to be the right side. The ultrasound showed tha he has bone tumors in the hand and arm. They are pre-cancerous tumors but they are on the bones and have the characterisitics that they are becoming cancer. Two years ago they removed a large cancerous mass from his liver. So now, things are even more complicated. We are trying to find a bone specialist who can inject steroids to lessen the pain when he is moved. He seemed so much worse today. Nothing could please him. I tried to imagine what it would be like to lose the ability to communicate. He is now insisting that all doors be closed (you cannot imagine how much effort went into figuring out what was disturbing him so but we finally did. He wants overhead fans on but no windows opened either. My mother refuses to put on the air conditioner and it was stifling. I couldn't stay long. I came home just not knowing what to do with myself. My birthday is tomorrow. My mother thought it was today. It will not be a happy occassion. I am grateful for all the support I get from friends and family. I just pray now that God will ever so gently take him. I want his suffering to end.

Day After

Our July 4th celebration was very low key. We cooked out at my parents with my sister and her friend. Dad's meals have to be pureed and he can't have everything so he had a variation of what we had, traditional grill food, corn on the cob, potato salad and regular salad. All of us are so tired. My mother, sister and I are all waking anywhere from 4 to 5 a.m. It annoys me so that the few days I could sleep in, I just can't do it. Yesterday I crased at 11 a.m. and slept until 1 p.m. I was recharged a bit. We came home around 9, spent some time on the computer and again crashed early. It just doesn't seem like July 4th when there are no fireworks and my sister almost always goes to see them. Everything seems to be off kilter these days. My sister has been here for two weeks. She has used her time off. Not sure if she can, but she is hoping to stay a few more days. I cannot see how my mother can handle this. My sister had hoped to be supportive and show her what needed doing. My mother wants to take a backseat and just have her do it all. This has been frustrating for us. There is one paid caregiver and if she has to hire another it will be so very expensive. All of this gets paid "out of pocket" as it is care, not rehabilitative therapy.
I was so thrilled that my husband got in some overtime on his new job. I was able to make a big payment on a credit card balance. Hoping to have that paid off by summer's end. I hate carrying a balance but sometimes life hits you with things that lower your income and raise your expenses and it's just a necessity.
I need to run back to the grocery store again today. I make a list, take the list (well most of the time anyway) and then get home and when putting somethings away have to hit myself and say "OH I needed THIS." With two adults and two pets we always need something. Might I say our pets are spoiled. The cat has rejected some treats that look like grass when at every opportunity he grazes like a cow. The dog will eat any treat we buy him but has allergies so we tend to get him the same things all the time. He will "dance" for a treat. We could never teach him out to sit. He flatly refuses but he'll dance. Go figure.
I am so enjoying three days off work. It's been a mini vacation almost. I wish I could slow the days down. I feel like I am fighting off a cold. It's in my chest too and this morning I had to use my inhaler. I cannot afford to be sick and miss work.
Oh and on an interesting note. This year my mother decided my birthday is July 7th. For all the previous fifty years it has been July 8th. My sister and I also came across a book my mother got before she was married (58 yrs ago). In it she recorded all of her son's birthdays but neither my sister's or mine. Ouch.

Not such a bad day

Today I was pretending it was Wednesday since I have Friday off. At work I had some training (I am happy to work for a company who does provide us with a lot of training when changes are made) and then had to meet with my boss for a career plan. He really surprised me with a nice comment about how patient I am with customers. That made my day. It was pouring out when I left work and I called my mother and told her I would stop by on my way home from work. (Last night I came home first and two different neighbors came over and I was so tired and never made it over there.) When I got there my sister had made delicious reubens for us all (a somewhat healthy version with low fat meat and a healthy homemade faux Russian dressing). Dad of course has only pureed food and his caretaker was with him. As soon as we were done he began to scream. He is having frequent muscle spasms in his legs. It was terrible. At first he allowed us to massage them then didn't want them touched. I crushed up an extra strength Tylenol which he managed to get down in some pudding. He was utterly miserable saying things which we struggled to understand. We asked if he wanted to go to bed because it was 7 and he said "Yes" so he was ever so carefully placed in bed. His bad arm was so painful that his gentle giant of a caregiver, Bryant, suggested we leave his T shirt on him. Don't know what we would all do without Bryant. He is huge, like a football player. He is a gentle man in his early twenties. He is patient and kind. We hired him through a service and I'm sure he doesn't get the twenty dollars an hour my mother is paying. He is worth every penny. Had some quiet time with my sister to chat. Something is going on in Albany which will allow her to stay a few more days. She is taking care of everything for my mother. Since I cannot get that kind of time off I am so relieved and grateful that she can. She is attentive to all of my father's needs. My mother feels she is spoiling him but I don't think you can ever spoil someone in this situation. I just hope we can find a way to deal with some of his muscle spasms. A physical therapist is coming, nurses etc. He sees an internist next Tuesday and I am hoping at least by then.
Thank you all for your kind and caring comments you leave. I don't have time for friends right now and you provide more support than you might ever guess.
The friends at work always ask about my Dad and show real caring too.
A three day weekend is coming and I need it. I may try to suprise my mother by showing up with stuff for a cookout. Not sure yet. We take it one day at a time...sometimes we have to take it one hour at a time. That's okay though cause we are still managing. Somehow we have the grace we need for each day.

Monday, Monday can't trust that day

For all who don't know the title was a song by the Mamas and Papas. Knowing that classifies me as a baby boomer.
Weekend was hectic. Rob worked on Saturday for overtime and I took the dog to the groomers, cleaned the house, did laundry, visited my mother and sister for awhile and got groceries. I also prepared a nice dinner. I was exhausted and in bed by 9. Sunday I slept until 8 a.m. strange for me but still woke up tired. I am so far behind on sleep. I took it a bit easier Sunday although my Mom had a really bad day, called at 9:30 and was overwhelmed. My sister had run to the grocery store for about an hour. She has been going out more and more trying to get my mother used to being at home alone with my father. My mother is questioning every decision she ever made at this point. I don't think at times she understands that I simply must work. We cannot make it without my income right now. I get off ten hours a month and since I can only take off 4 unscheduled days per year I must be careful with them and use them only for serious illness. I can schedule other time off in advance but I need to give several weeks notice for that. Emotional meltdowns cannot be scheduled.
Today starts some new changes at work. Schedules have been changed for many coworkes. Mine remains the same due to medical restrictions. I am trying to just go with the flow, do the best I can at my job, supporting my mother, etc. but doing it all without getting too stressed out. It's difficult.
Today I woke at 5 and I am sitting here, having showered but I still need to dry my hair, get dressed and have breakfast and it's nearing 7:30. That leaves me 45 mins to do all this. There are not enough hours in the day. I have messages from friends who are complaining I don't call them. If I call them there is nothing much to talk about right now. My life exists reliving the same day over and over. It's a long and tiring day. I just can't fit another thing in. My only escape is my half an hour or so I spend on Facebook catching up and playing games. That is my ME time. My Dad is the same, talking less and seeming frailer. It seems he is leaving us ever so slowly....but all the same he is leaving us. I never thought it would be this hard.

So very tired

I have been going to work so tired. Then I drink coffee to compensate, elivating my blood pressure. Then I have been having some carbs to boost my energy which backfires and I feel crummy. I have to stop all this. I have been trying to go see my Dad every night. After working (I have gotten stuck twice at work this week, getting home almost an hour later than usual) all day I am pooped. While I may not want to admit it, I am a bit old to be working full time then trying to fit something else in at the evening. I know my mother (and currently my sister) are eager to have me stop by. Thing is, they can nap during the day. I can't. Work is very stressful at times. My company is letting a lot of people go. I have to be on my best at all times. My legs have been swelling from fluid and heat.
I need to be going to bed earlier and getting a full nights sleep. Haven't done that in over a week.
Dad seems to be adjusting okay to being home. He gave them some problems yesterday and they sat down and had a long talk with him. They told him that if does not cooperate he might have to return to the rehab center/nursing home. The place is VERY nice but my father was very upset when he learned how expensive it is. You could live in a very nice hotel for that price. He has agreed to try to cooperate. He is 185 p0unds of almost dead weight. To move him is very difficult and my mother is paying someone to come three times a day. He is a wonderful young man but his agency charges a lot. You cannot care for someone who is this disabled for less than thousands a month, even at home.
I think my bed is calling me. I am so very tired and thankful that tomorrow is Friday. I need a few days off. Hubby is working Saturday which will leave me more time to spend with Mom, Dad and sis. He'll be making overtime and I am hoping to pay an early car payment once in awhile when he has overtime. I was told that my "disability" insurance company who was going to make the car payments cancelled my policy. They refunded the money to the car financing company. This was based on information one of the doctor's sent. Oh joy.