Wednesday, December 31, 2008
I am trying to think optomistically. I know that Rob and I have been through a lot together and we will get through this. I hope that 2009 will see our country in a much better place, not just for us but for all the people hurting.
Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
I have agreed to work two hours extra on New Years Eve to cover for a coworker on another shift. He is closing on his house that day, at least he hopes to. It's a short sale and he is having a lot of issues recently learning there is a lean on the property for unpaid taxes. I warned him about short sales but he is an eager first time home buyer with a fiancee' who wants to be in their home before their wedding. Can we say stress? This guy is wound tighter than a top. Sometimes I am so glad to be older and have some emotional maturity. I know that there are so many more important things in life than a closing date. I know that if one deal falls through, there are others out there waiting to be found.
My husband has just two more days left at his job. He is looking forward to some time off. I am looking forward to coming home to some nice meals during the winter. He is going to take some time and go to visit family and friends in Rhode Island where he is from. Unfortuantely I cannot get the time off of work to join him, but that works because this way he can just go have a few beers with his friends there like the old days. I will stay home with the pets and perhaps catch up on a few visits with friends I haven't seen lately. I wish I could get more time off of work but in this economy I am just happy to have a job and a steady paycheck and most importantly, medical benefits.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
He gave a lot, building himself up and they have offered to move him to the site near Boston but are not willing to give him enough money to make the move feasible. The medical benefits are not nearly as good as mine and I might not be able to find a job there. This company seems to be run very poorly and it's so unfortunate that the previous owner sold it to these people who ran it into the ground. It's hard to be worried about finances while trying to buy presents and enjoy the holiday spirit.
I am having some problems and not feeling well at all. My sleeping pattern is confused. I wake up at 4 a.m. ready for the day and when I could go back to sleep around 6 a.m. it is nearly time to get ready for work. I am constantly tired. Also having a few health issues my doctor is working on but she tells me they won't be resolved over night.
Two blogging friends have my concern. Connie has seemingly vanished. Calls to her home found her landline disconnected and the emails go unanswered. I certainly hope things are okay with her. My other blogging friend, Ronni, has had a relapse with her leukemia. She has had a long, difficult journey thus far and is back in the hospital. My thoughts are frequently with her and wanting the best for her.
I am going to run to the mall and see if I can find a few bargains when I try to exchange my shoes for a slightly larger size. Same brand but a different style that seems tighter. I am hoping and praying that 2009 will be a better year for us. I want to have the burdens of worry lifted. I want others to be free from worry. Maybe I am not being realistic. I want someone to hire my husband who knows how lucky they are to have him and to treat him with respect. I want to wake up just one day and feel rested. I do know that the world feels like a better place because our new President was elected despite all he had to overcome. I just pray he can fix the economy and turn things around.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
We are expecting several inches of snowfall tonight. I am committed to getting into work tomorrow. Looking forward to the weekend and the one or two things I still need to purchase. I also need to get some cookies baked. It looks like my sister will be spending at least one night here. My mother is getting too many guests at once and there will be an overflow. On Christmas Eve we go to my middle brother's house for a gift exchange and a lovely feast but not a formal meal. Christmas Day we go to my mother's (unless it's a year where I offer my home which happened a lot more before I went back to work). We all help out with a turkey dinner and more gift opening. Then anyone over fifty finds a spot for a nap while the younger ones scramble for something to occupy themselves with. It is different now that my son and nieces spend part of the day with their fathers. I love that my son gets the exact same gift for his father and my husband. He has his quirks but sometimes I am so very proud of him. Let me tell you what I am most proud of. One Christmas (a few years after his treatment stopped for leukemia) he announced that he wanted to take several bags of sandwiches to where he knew a lot of homeless people were. I made the sandwiches and he proudly put on his new down coat I had given him. He was gone a couple hours when he came home shivering. I asked where his coat was. He looked at me with concern and said he hoped I would not be angry but there was a homeless man with no coat who had been shaking and he gave it to him. I told him I was very proud of him and the following week I replaced the coat. He is very kind and generous. These are the things I hoped for in my child. He can be trying at times when he feels I am not taking good enough care of myself. He lectures me on my diet (he's a vegan) and the fact that I am overweight. He has brought me numerous books on diet, including one about your blood type and diet. I know he means well so I have to supress the comments about being nagged. As with my parents, I think there comes a time where the child tries to be the caregiver. The circle of life.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Today I was afraid there might be an incident at work. One coworker wanted to argue about the Bible with another coworker who is of a different faith. I tried to tell them both I do not think religion is a work topic. Oh the wars and friendships ended in the name of religion. Why cannot people just let others believe as they wish? What made this especially ridiculous was the one coworker who wanted to quote scripture chooses to violate some of the ten commandments he so likes to quote to others. Sheesh. I wanted to grab them both and force them to sing "We Are the World". I took great pains to decorate our team with both red and green and silver and blue decorations. There are stars and candles.
It made me sad to hear the news tonight. Toys for Tots got so many less toys this year. Kaylee Anthony's body was found, or possibly found. Now the grandparents are asking for immunity. The value of homes in the entire country fell so drastically. We are in the worst recession since the depression. No good news to be heard tonight.
As I sit here in my warm home, with a full belly, safe from the elements outside I feel I have much to be grateful for. Right now my health is stable and I am grateful for that. This is a magical time of year. People all seem a bit happier.
I just want to feel carefree and happy for a few days of the year. Perhaps that means ignoring the news for a few days. Is ignorance truly bliss?
Good night to all.......peace be with you.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
I woke up today and put on music. I simply cannot say enough about how music lifts my spirits. There are certain fun songs like Little Red Corvette that just take me to another place in time. So many songs evoke memories and some are just fun to sing along with. When I was younger and thought the world would be my oyster I wanted to be a musical therapist. I did go to college for psychology and completed three years when my son fell ill and I stopped. Afterwards I just didn't have it in me to return and later I wasn't in a financial position to do it and needed full time income. I always thought it would be great to help cancer patients discover the ways music could help them. When my sister-in-law Jennifer was in the hospital they brought in a harpist for her. For some reason I am blocking the name of the hospital but it was affiliated with the Leahy clinic. Although she lived in Rhode Island there was not a surgeon there who would operate on her. She lost so many months finding a surgeon who would remove three tumors which every doctor told her were benign. The nerve over her voicebox was cancerous. It's so easy to get off on tangents........
Today I want to focus on the good things like music and like my wonderful husband (not my favorite word) I actually prefer life partner or significant other. He has been through the mill with me. He never complains. I think I'll keep him.
If you haven't seen the movie P.S. I Love You I saw it for the first time on Saturday night and have rewatched it twice since then. I also loved the movie Once and if you liked that one I suspect you will like this as well.
Irish guys truly are the best...at least the most fun. I just love the character of Jerry. I once had a therapist tell me it's not how you feel about the person it's how they make YOU feel. We all deserve to have someone who makes us feel loved.
Monday, December 08, 2008
Perhaps this new doctor will help me to feel better and still get the meds I need.
I have to work. It's not an option. I also have to be conscious at work and capable of making judgment calls. I cannot do this if on medicine that makes me groggy. Fortunately I am going to be able to take tomorrow off as well.
Hoping by Thursday I will be able to return to work feeling much better and with my blood pressure under control.
I got in a few extra hours of sleep today. We got the tree decorated and my husband got the lit garland around our front door. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. I hope I have one or two more good days so there will be presents under the tree for my Leprechaun. I know it's hard on him with all that I have been through but he tries so hard to take good care of me, sometimes with me giving him a hard time. I was on my own for so long, sometimes it's hard to accept the help.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Last night as I tried to sleep I was gripped by coughing spasms. I finally got up and watched a movie I had DVRed earlier and you simply must see it! P.S. I Love You. Wow. I am so impressed at what the husband had planned for her it is a true story of love and I am all about that. Today I finally washed my hair. I have taken baths but my hair needed a good shampooing desperately. It feels so much better.
Yesterday ended up being a real trial in many ways. My poor Rob has been working very hard for his company who are closing their doors in New Jersey soon. They hired a company to come take down very high warehouse shelving and he has had to help load this stuff onto trucks. He was not hired to do this kind of work and with two steel rods in his back he is hurting. He was promised a severance package and glowing recommendations so he is trying hard to go with the flow. Apparently Friday one of the men from this other company injured himself and could not work. That meant only one guy was there and Rob had to be there in case anything happened to him. Eight hours of Saturday. He does get paid overtime but I would have loved to have him home with me and frankly he needed the break. Today he is back there again. Yesterday I was in desperate need of some items from the market as well as pet food. My son called and asked me to help him get his Dad a mouse for his laptop for his birthday tomorrow. I told my son I was sick but if he drove I would assist him. An hour later my son calls back and he has been delayed. It will be several more hours before he gets here. I throw on my coat and run the errands, including picking up the mouse. I was so overwhelmed at the market, Mary Higgins Clark was there doing a book signing, and grabbed only what I needed. I rush home
leaving the heavy stuff in my car and put the other items away. I am beat. My son calls again telling me it will be another hour. Now I am getting angry. I tell him so. Shortly later he arrives and brings in the heavy items. I show him the mouse, he reimburses me and I wrap it for him. He is a vegan and each visit he likes to lecture me on my eating habits. I was just not in the mood yesterday. He had a pizza, took a shower that was over half an hour and left. Several minutes later I see the wrapped mouse on my kitchen table. When I am feeling well I usually check to see he leaves with everything he is supposed to but I was too tired yesterday and I wanted to kick myself. Rob came home with a pizza for supper at which time the phone rang and my darling son began to lecture me for eating pizza with all the sodium in it. I told him I was not in the mood to hear it and that I really went out yesterday to help him and in the end the gift was here. Here is about twenty-five miles from there.
His Dad's gift will no doubt be late. His Dad never shows any real enthusiasm for gifts so I shouldn't let it bother me. Perhaps because I had previously called my mother and told her I needed pet food etc. and she told me that I should have my husband pick that up because she was on her way to her favorite flea market and had no time, I was feeling very put out yesterday. Sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like to have a nurturing mother. When I called my mother my Dad answered the phone. He is failing terribly and in a weak voice when he heard I was till sick he softly said "I will pray for you." That was the bright spot of my day.
I think I will make a nice pot of tea and rewatch P.S. I Love You again. It gives me a lot of ideas.
Friday, December 05, 2008
Yesterday, Thursday, I hung in there until my scheduled time. I actually half jokingly asked a coworker Tim to roll me in my chair to my car. He laughed and said while we were friends, we weren't that good of friends. Ouch Tim. My other coworker was kind enough to call and see if I made it home. He called again today.
I am a human mucus producing machine. Unless it's the alternative time where my head is completely stopped up and I cannot breathe at all. It seems to be cyclical. I had to call out today. I haven't even gotten dressed and I rarely do that. I fell asleep but had crazy dreams and woke up feeling very confused. I hate when that happens. Why you may be asking yourself, don't I take a decongestant? The heart that I have reacts to certain medicines with tachycardia. This is so unpleasant. Then my neurotic self must decide if I can take something for that symptom while on a decongestant. I hate mixing medicines. If this seems silly you were not there to witness the Nyquil fiasco before I had my heart surgery. I was passing out every fifteen minutes or so. There was nothing they could do but let it work itself out of my system. Needless to say Nyquil is on my list of never take drugs.
I am longing for some very good chicken soup and matzoh balls that a nearby kosher deli has. My husband is working late tonight so it will probably wait until tomorrow. I find chicken soup works wonders for me.
My bathtub should be filled by now. Here I come Loveshack bath oil from the Gap. Time for a little pampering.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
There is a team that sits next to us and immediately they asked if I had bought things for them as well. I am used to this and I replied that I did buy them their own wreath and gave it to them to hang. There was a lot of complaining amongst them and one asked the other why SHE didn't buy the decorations for their team. The woman responded that she didn't have the money. The other woman looked at me and said I must be CRAZY to do something like that. I hesitated before speaking when the lady she was in a conversation with said
NELLE IS NOT CRAZY. SHE IS A NICE AND GENEROUS LADY!
For two days I have been fighting a cold that a coworker came in with. The guy was SHAKING on Monday from a fever, put his head on his desk and slept much of the day. Luckily for him, he was having computer issues and couldn't really get into the system needed. We don't get much time off. About fifteen days a year for everything; illness and vacation and personal emergencies. Each year mine are used up for medical reasons and then I end up not getting paid for other days I need. I hate that people come to work sick, but I understand the financial burden of staying home.
Despite that fact that my husband's job is ending late December and that I am having my surgery Dec. 10th I am in Christmas spirits. Each year I feel so grateful and fortunate to be alive for another Christmas. I am going to run down now and watch the lighting of the tree in Rockefeller Center. I so wish I could be there tonight. Maybe sometime this season I can get there to see if.
Stay warm and don't let anyone steal your holiday joy. :)
Sunday, November 30, 2008
I have seen a lot of my parents this weekend. My father was so cranky on Friday night. We kind of snuck into the apartment (their home is a mother-daughter currently without either of their mothers in residence.) He realized and joined us. It's hard to be patient with him at times. He has hearing aids which he doesn't always want to wear but he wants to hear everything that's going on. He wants to interrogate us like when we were teens. My sister brought my mother's artifical tree up and decorated it. We laughed so hard because she has every decoration anyone has ever given her. She is 76. She could easily decorate five large trees with all the ornaments. She has downsized to a thin tree so there are more left over than ever. Some are really in bad shape. My mother kept pulling things out from the basement; wreathes, towels, etc. . She changes so many things it will take her days and days to do it all. So far I have replaced my kitchen centerpiece of a wooden bowl with mini pumpkins and the sunflower placemats over to a paperwhites with red berries centerpiece and NOEL placemats. I am not exactly a bundle of energy these days. I have enjoyed having some time to balance my checkbook, make and execute a grocery list and clean out the refrigerator. You can see I am a ball of fire. I took a long, hot shower this morning and enjoyed that I could lounge afterwards.
Tomorrow I will be back to the hectic grind. I will have to work a full forty hour week. I'm sure we will have lots of stories to tell each other about the holiday.
Time to go full speed ahead for the one yet to come. I'm dreaming of things that money cannot buy. Peace on Earth, goodwill toward our fellow men and women. Equality for all. Let it be.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Today when I walked into work the guy who had bugged me yesterday said he was going to leave me alone today. I looked at him and said "Wise choice." I would really hate to have to get a coworker in a headlock so close to Thanksgiving. :) My zen returned. I usually get along so well with this guy too...guess something bad happened to him too but he just doesn't want to talk about it.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
There is a craft show on Saturday a few hours from here. Would love to go but my chaffeur aka significant other will be working. While I am adventurous I hate driving to unknown places so not sure I will make the trip unless I get someone to come along. Our friend Tim makes beautiful jewelery. I wore earrings he had made to work today and received compliments on them. My husband's group of work friends will be disbanded soon. Imagine working in the same place for almost twenty years and then suddenly you lose your job, your friends and your bread and butter. Times are so hard right now. I work with a single mother of three and all she does is complain about how we are underpaid and wants a raise. We received a two dollar an hour raise about six months ago and I was thrilled. I told her today in this economy she should be so happy to have a job. She gets her medical free for herself and her children. Most of us pay for our insurance. She is living at her mother's and doesn't have a mortgage or utilites either. I guess some people have no idea how good they have it.
I am always feeling extra grateful around Thanksgiving. I have so very much to be thankful for. My wonderful husband, I still have my beloved grandmother at 96, my son, my animals, my friends, my faith the list goes on and on. I am so very grateful that I am still here on this planet. At times it has not been easy but I am still here and going strong. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!
I know not everyone shares my religious beliefs, I respect that, but in my heart not a day goes by that I don't look up and say "Thank you" because my strength often comes from above.
What are you most thankful for?
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I had called my doctor on the earlier and he had called in a script for me at the pharmacy. I was so happy as I left the hospital thinking I would get home early. I pulled into the long line at Walgreen's and sat for twenty minutes before reaching the window. The young man told me there was no script called in for me. I told him that I had a voicemail confirmation from the office and he suggested I pull off to the side and call them again. I did and a very annoyed office nurse told me the script had been called in five hours earlier. She had noted on the chart the time and asked that I give my cell phone to the pharmacist. I went inside the store and walked to the back. They refused to take my cell saying it could be anyone on the phone. They needed the nurse to call them again. She did and then she called me back on my cell after speaking with them. She said this was a different pharmacist than who had taken the call earlier but they changed shifts at 3p.m. Of course this meant waiting for the script to be filled and about another twenty minutes later I was on my way home again. By now I was frustrated, tired after work and hungry. I was thinking about the high cost of even getting generic drugs when I realized the light was about to change. It was one of those moments where it might be more dangerous to hit your brakes than go and I went. A few minutes later I saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror. Stopped by a very nice police officer. He asked me for my documents and I produced them. He then asked about my driving record and I told him it was perfect. I also volunteered about my frustrating experience at Walgreens and told him that I am usually a cautious driver. When he had obtained my information he cautioned me but let me go after admonishing me to drive safely. I was relieved and very surprised. I guess if you have a perfect record they know you are safe most of the time at least.
Tonight my husband went to a mediator with my neighbor. She got rid of the rooster which was waking us at daybreak since August about a week ago. She did that when he signed the complaint. He explained that I need my rest. So all in all the past two days have been okay. Now it's time for some much needed sleep. Tomorrow is hump day. The weeks go by so quickly. I wish I had more energy to do things after work and enjoy them. This morning we did have our first snow flurries and they were lovely. It is COLD out there! Stay warm....oh and drive safely. :)
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Found just the accent pillows I had been looking for to make our new sofa a bit cozier. I had purchased others that weren't right and when I got home was happy to see they were a great fit color wise.
I have been having some issues I have been struggling with regarding health insurance. Of course each year my employer has made some small changes. One I hadn't realized was that we have a five hundred dollar IN network deductible that is applied to either hospitalization, diagnostic testing or outpatient surgery. The rub of that is that I will be paying that in December and then in January it starts again for the new year. I have considered delaying my surgery for a month. Family members at first said nothing then several days later they all went into hyper mode saying it was not a good idea. I have agreed to have the surgery December 10th and just not agonize over the deductible and coinsurance which won't count towards next years. My husband will also be going on my insurance for the first time so those changes had to be made. If he finds another job, which I'm sure he will, I will have to keep him on my insurance all year. Actually, that might be a good thing because this plan is better than what he has had. So much hinges on insurance and it is my deepest hope that President elect Obama will fulfill his promise and do something about this. My portion I pay is high and many of the single mothers I work with cannot afford it and have their children on state insurance. I tried to comfort myself yesterday by rejoicing over the drop in gas prices. I filled my tank for under $30 for the first time in so very long. My parents have offered to help me with the expense of this surgery. That is a big change for them.
I plan to go enjoy a cup of tea and open a magazine and do something I rarely do but need to be doing a whole lot more : RELAX. I hope you have a relaxing weekend too.
Friday, November 14, 2008
I discovered that if I had a surgery in December my insurance copay was going to be very high as I would have to meet a surgical deductible I was unaware of. Come January it would start over so I decided to postpone my surgery until January. No one seemed concerned until after I cancelled and my mother then called and said she would have helped me. I didn't want her help but why wait until after I cancelled to do that?
With all these things going on...as they have for years....I feel uncared about.
The adult is struggling hard to meet the needs of the inner child.
The husband is not understanding me on this as he accepts that his mother is this way. The fact that she hurts me doesn't seem to bother him and that hurts me. Perhaps this is too personal of an entry and some things are better left unsaid. I feel the need TO say them though. I feel very alone and at times scared.
My father always said the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
My husband is working again this Saturday as he did last Saturday and it's raining again. Made a quick trip to the Hallmark Open House this morning and bought some nice Christmas ornaments I will be giving as gifts. I have a bed to make, a kitchen to clean and then I will allow myself the luxury of laying on my new sofa and enjoying the flat screen tv. Oh yes, even the small luxuries remind me that life is good.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Americans have a dream. As we struggle with our concerns for our finances right now and our life investments which seem to be slipping away, we have united and elected a President, who I hope and pray and believe ,will lead us slowly back. Pray for him. I only wish that all those who fought so hard for Dr. King's dream to come true could have seen this day. Dr. King your dream, to a large degree at least, came true last night. I am so proud to be an American today. I am also proud of the dignity shown by John McCain. Although I did not feel he was the right person to lead our country, I do feel we should honor him as a war hero who served our country with such bravery. He showed real class last night. I respect him more now than ever before.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Many years ago my Uncle Dick took myself (who he called Nelson) and my cousin Sharon (who he called Sherman) to a Highs Ice Cream store. It was in a place in Maryland not far outside of Washington, D.C. Uncle Dick lived down by the Chesapeake Bay a good two hours away and when he came to visit we were given all kinds of wonderful treats. A few years later he moved to Florida and when he rolled into town then with his wife, we felt as though Mr. and Mrs. Claus had arrived. Many of my happiest childhood memories involve them. This one very hot day as we were picking out our ice cream flavors a young black mother and her little girl came in. To be honest, I cannot remember what they were doing in the store but the little girl asked her Mommy for an ice cream cone. The mommy leaned down and took her baby girl's hand and whispered something about not having money for one. My Uncle Dick (God love him) walked over with his big smile that would melt anyone's heart and said "Madam would you allow me to buy your little girl an ice cream cone because she is wearing the prettiest dress I ever saw." The lady's eyes said it all and she quietly thanked him and said that would be fine. My cousin and I got our cones and climbed into the beautiful convertible for the ride home. Uncle Dick told us on that ride never to judge people by their skin, their clothes or their ability to pay for things. He told us what a lovely woman the mother was and how sweet she was for thanking him. That day I learned a valuable lesson. I only wish every child could learn the same lesson. It is a lesson I have never forgotten and I taught my child. People are the same and like books, what's important is what's on the inside. (Uncle Dick worked for Johns Hopkins and was in an experimental lab when a dish containing brusolosis was dropped and broken. He cleaned up the mess and became infected with the disease that slowly destroyed his heart and ended his life in his early fifties. He never regretted infecting himself because others were spared by his heroic deed.)
Today as I had the opportunity to go into the booth and vote for an African American president my eyes swelled with tears. I was so proud of our country and how far we have come from the days of the segregation. We are still on the journey for equality but all I could think about would be how happy my uncle would have been to have seen this day. How happy he would have been to know that the enlightenment he shared with two young girls would be passed on to their children and grandchildren. Although his only child died in infancy, he touched the life of another child and that's something to be proud of.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
I also miss my sister-in-law Jennifer. The baby of my husband's family of four children. She lost her battle with cancer in June of 2007. This cancer is hereditary and we lost her Dad to it in 2000. I hate knowing all the things she is missing with her ten year old daughter. Today we bought her daughter some earrings as she recently had her ears pierced. She wanted pink sparkly ones and that is what I got her. The box had a dragonfly on it, reminding me of how Jen loved butterflies and dragonflies and fairies. She was all about the magic of life.
She is the only one in my husband's family who ever told me they loved me, aside from him. Well her daughter has told me that now. Her daughter came up to me as I knelt gazing at her mother's body and this eight year old child told me that her mother loved me. She was comforting me. Of all the things in my life I know that I will never forget, that is one of them. Jen was only thirty-four with so much life ahead of her. What she might have done we'll never know. We do know that we miss her and I don't think that will ever stop, but certainly not in the near future.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
I am watching the clock now and see that I have just enough time to throw on a jacket....the Fall has arrived here. I had to clean ice off my car two mornings ago. Yesterday it warmed up a bit for the lucky trick or treaters. I had a mere 75 or so yesterday. Previous years were always over a hundred. It gets less and less every year.
Have I mentioned that Autumn is my favorite season? How I love all things pumpkin scented and tasting. We had a pot luck luncheon at work. I took corn pudding and we had fried chicken and a wonderful spread. I have gone through the closet and found my scarves and purchased two new ones. I have misplaced my ice scraper though and that will be one of the things I simply must pick up today. Right after Autumn comes the snow which I love but the winter cold which I do not. My dog is lucky to have that beautiful coat which keeps him so warm. Wish me luck. Here I go..........
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
I made an appointment and got my hair cut today. She cut it shorter than she had eight weeks ago. The back is fine but my "bangs" are too straight across, I like them whispier but by the time I could see them they were too short to change. I will go back in a few weeks when they have grown out and have her fix them then. My hair grows very quickly. Having shorter hair makes it so much easier to get ready for work in the morning. I find as I am aging I am wearing more make up. To be honest, if I were not neurotic and financially impaired, I would be having botox. Ironic that my weight gain over the years has not concerned me as much as wrinkles and other facial imperfections. I guess when I stare into the mirror I focus on those things.
Looking at the time I need to get a move on. I will be relieved when I close the chapter on this and know that, at least for awhile, I will be safe again.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Most of these chat rooms have become so full of verbally abusive people that there is no pleasure in trying to converse in one. AOL has failed miserably in controlling them.
I remember when no one considered being online without AOL. How they have fallen.
What gets me is all the victims they left behind. All the blogging community that supported Pam, our friend, through her cancer ordeal. Her daughter kept her blog online and her screen name. Sorry for her that unless she can figure out how, that blog will be lost. By the way AOL gave NO Instructions on how to save the blogs just a link that contained no information. Another AOL faux paus. I am sorry for all the people who derived so much joy from the AOL journals, myself included. We paid for something and we suffered for having used it.
Life goes on and I helped a fellow AOL journaler get set up with a new home here on blog spot.
Another thing in life that will be gone, something that at one time meant so much.
AOL I think you have put the last nail in your coffin.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
This is a nice young man. There is discussion and the men in our group feel it is best left alone. The women feel a card needs to be passed and a collection taken. The young man who knows him best says that he would be embarassed by the attention. Last week we had our meeting and my heart ached as he broke down and had to leave when he began to talk about what he had gone through. He is in pain. I want to help him but it's a fine line. He told me they did some genetic testing as his grandmother died from the same disease his father had. His tests came back that he doesn't carry this gene. I was relieved for him. I try to say hello, offer him friendship in a way that will be acceptable to him but I hope he knows that others do care.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Friday, October 03, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
The rain is finally gone here and I see some sunshine. Even though I am getting ready for work, the day is not as dismal as most Mondays. The weekend flew by but I know just five days away another one waits around the corner.
I found a really good skin surgeon and am on her "wait list" if not I will need to wait until November to see her. Thank God for health insurance. Cannot imagine having to deal with something like this without it.
Time to take a walk into the closet and see what I can come up with for work. Many things I want to wear no longer fit me as I have packed on some pounds which I can't seem to unload. The work cafeteria is my enemy with smells that call me. They have some great meals. I must find something though......better get to it.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Finally a photo with my shorter hair. So much easier to keep under control. The front is a few inches longer than the sides and the back is shorter still. Nice and quick to blow dry in the mornings.
My father is still in the hospital but expected to come home tomorrow. Today is the first day he has not had a fever since Wednesday. My sister arrived in New Jersey but has a friend with her. I was disappointed as I had hoped to spend some time with her. It has been years since she and I have set down alone to talk.
I made an appointment with a surgeon that is going to see me Nov. 14th unless the report I send them makes them bump up the appointment. I feel like concerns are weighing heavily upon my shoulders. I know that most people have no clue what it's like to have many of my life experiences. It's still disappointing because even when I don't know what someone is going through I can always drop a note or make a call and say I care.
Time to get my mind on other things. I have been up since 5 a.m. and am exhausted. Started doing laundry early, showered and got dressed, went for lunch, visited my father in the hospital, grocery shopped, put things away, had dinner and now I am ready to collapse.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I am going back to the dermatologist tonight. I had a skin cancer removed three weeks ago. This is a secondary cancer caused by all the radiation that I had so many years ago. He will discuss the biopsy results in detail and what needs to be done.
I have lived so long after the initial diagnosis and yet it is something that is always a part of who you are once you join that club. I need to rally my spirits but for some reason it doesn't get easier because the rest of life's problems don't go on hold. I am not looking forward to having more surgery no matter how small. I went through this a few years ago and it was fine then and my logical side tells me that I probably have the best kind to have. The irrational and neurotic side is screaming that there is NO good cancer of any kind and that this lion may be at bay but he can pounce any time he chooses to. Time to think of anything else that can distract me from that thought because that thought can take me somewhere I do not want to go.
At times like this my comfort is in my belief that God dwells within me, that I am one with His universe and that no matter what else happens, that cannot change.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
I have a lot on my mind these days. Many changes at work with a new CEO and many new top people who make decisions which govern how my work is critiqued. It will all be changes for the better I believe. With all changes come adjustments. I am not as adaptable as I was in my younger days. It is hard to change a "call flow" once one has become ingrained and my job has me constantly making as many as three or four new changes in each call. Since I take about thirty a day you can imagine how much concentration this takes. All the while coworkers are talking on their calls, to themselves, each other and me. There is constant discussion on just what good customer service is. They want our customers to have a "wow" experience. I get that. There are customers however who subscribe to a service that for reasons out of their control, they cannot use. When they call to disconnect their service they are disappointed. Often they are given misinformation from a competitor trying to blame us for something that they failed to do. While you gently try to explain this, you must be very careful what you say and you do not want to anger the customer or argue with them. Some customers want nothing but to argue with you and vent all their frustration at you. Often once you have assisted them, they apologize before hanging up and thank you for your help. Mondays are the days we receive the most calls. After a weekend of build up they are often heated. It takes extra patience on Mondays. I am paid to do this job but sometimes I wish I could opt out on Mondays.
In a very real sense, the writer writes in order to teach himself, to understand himself, to satisfy himself. ~ Alfred Kozin
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I accomplish enough and I do like order but when my head hits my pillow at night I conk out.
I recently learned that an elderly man got TOSd from AOL. This for sending emails out to a mass list (who he every few months emailed and said "let me know if you want to be removed from my list.") Apparently someone found his emails a tad risque'. I feel so badly for this poor man who lost his beloved wife last year. Although he has a daughter and grandchildren during the day he went into a chat room of what he thought were friends and who he loved to email.
It never fails to sadden me at the delight some people take in causing pain for others. I have never understood that kind of reaction. When someone hurts me just get me as far away from them as I can possibly be. There was a time in my life where it was hard to let go of people like that. A part of me felt that I would be able to enlighten them. Usually this did not happen and often when they grew tired of the game they simply moved on. Now that I am older and oh so wiser I make new friends a bit slower. I take them into my trust only after they have showed some actual integrity and it will take them years before they earn my trust and respect. One of my friends summed it up this way "In life we make many acquaintances but few actual friends. Most people do not learn this distinction until they have mistaken acquaintances for friends and learned the hard way."
"I will not play tug o war, I'd rather play hug o war where everyone hugs instead of tugs, where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug, where everyone kisses and everyone grins and everyone cuddles, and everyone wins." Shel Silverstein