Friday, November 14, 2008

Sorting Feelings

I've been on a downer lately. Partly because of the family structure of my spouse and myself. In my family it has always been that the sons were the recipients of money in one form or another. In my husband's it's been the daughters. Last year my mother-in-law lost her one daughter, who I believe was her favorite. Her other daughter quickly moved to a southern state, partially because she felt her mother was withholding to her. Since that has happened her mother is now showering her with boxes for herself and her two sons. At the same time, her mother has stopped giving us even an anniversary card. The other night her daughter called going on and on about the box she had received. I wish I were something enough (mature, although I am mature, not sure what word would suit this) to just let this go but I am human and it bothers me. Although I am the only one in my family who ever had cancer, or a heart problem (which I inherited from my father) I have never received any assistance of any kind from my parents. I have never asked for any. I pride myself on being independent. I have worked hard, even when physically drained, to take care of my own needs. I am proud of that. Still, I am a human, with an inner child, who gets hurt that so much is done for others while I sit on the sidelines, sometimes with needs of my own that are not addressed.
I discovered that if I had a surgery in December my insurance copay was going to be very high as I would have to meet a surgical deductible I was unaware of. Come January it would start over so I decided to postpone my surgery until January. No one seemed concerned until after I cancelled and my mother then called and said she would have helped me. I didn't want her help but why wait until after I cancelled to do that?
With all these things going they have for years....I feel uncared about.
The adult is struggling hard to meet the needs of the inner child.
The husband is not understanding me on this as he accepts that his mother is this way. The fact that she hurts me doesn't seem to bother him and that hurts me. Perhaps this is too personal of an entry and some things are better left unsaid. I feel the need TO say them though. I feel very alone and at times scared.

My father always said the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy.


Susan C said...

I can understand why you would find your family's behavior hurtful. It does not mean that you are any less deserving or worthy of their attention and affection. You ARE!

IndigoSunMoon said...

I never understood how parents could pick a favorite child. That just boggles my mind.
I wish I could give you a big hug my friend.
I love you,

Ronni Gordon said...

Sorry that you are going through this. Have you tried talking it over with any of your family members? I bet that writing about it was therapeutic, so you did a good thing for yourself by taking that step.