Trying to cope...

At times I feel I simply cannot go down this road again. I am having the horrible spasms of coughing and night sweats that frankly scare me to death. I wake up soaked and freezing. If I lived alone it would not be a problem, but Rob has to get up for work at 5:30 and I cannot throw the lights on and jump in the shower at three a.m. There is also a matter of my PICC line. For those of you who don't know what this is, it's a semi permanent IV in your arm. It's near the elbow which is not a comfortable place to have it. I have two dangling lines that I give myself Ivs through. I am also having to give myself shots in the fat of my belly to thin my blood since the medicine which normally does this is being interfered with by all the antibiotics. The shots themselves don't hurt but the medicine burns like a bee sting a few minutes later. I do this twice a day. The rest of the day I nod off and on. I am so weak and sick and hurting. From all the coughing I did the past few months I pulled a muscle which is very painful. I am using heat and taking tylenol. The only thing that really helps is when I take the codeine cough syrup for the nagging cough. That eases the muscle pain.

My poor Rob. He is frustrated. I had hoped he would get some emotional support from people that has not come. He called his family when I was admitted to the hospital nearly two weeks ago. Noone even called him back to see how he was doing. My family is so overwhelmed with my Dad's care and my sister-in-law's recovery. She just had a knee replacement after several other surgeries on her leg from a car accident about a year ago. My mother's sister and my cousin are coming today to try to help out. It will be the first time Mom and her only sibling will be together since their Mom's funeral and I'm sure with Mother's Day approaching it will be quite emotional. How I miss my grandmother. When I was sick she was always giving me emotional support and making me handmade cards and things like that.
Rob is wonderful. I cannot say how hard he tries to do anything to make it better for me. I am miserable though and nothing helps right now. Food is a huge turnoff once again I have trouble getting anything down or if I do it's such a small amount. I still have weight to spare thankfully because I am down nearly fifty pounds from my highest weight five years ago. I am down about thirty-five since last September.

I wish I could say things are going great. I know they will get better and each night I pray I will wake up without coughing so much or in a sweat. I believe everything in life is to teach us lessons and I have had to repeat this class since last Sept and November and I must be missing something.