A day well spent

Today was a much needed day home. I actually had much to do. Balance the checking statement. Something there was amiss but not so far off I had to be concerned so I sat that aside. Was sitting here trying to get zenned when I remembered my car had to go through inspection. Jumped up and ran out the door. I was so relieved when only three cars were ahead of me. They were quite slow today but twenty or so minutes later I left with my new sticker. All set for another two years.

Leaving there I decided to treat myself to a much needed pedicure. During the summer I wear all flip/flops or sandals and I like my toes to look neat and summery. I got hot pink to match my favorite (leather) flip flops. After leaving the nail place I treated myself to a chili dog. I rarely eat things like that anymore but seeing that it is summer I felt compelled. After that I ran over to Walmart. I have been needing a lighted and magnified mirror. I am so blind without my glasses but unable to see the mirrors on my dresser or over the bathroom sink without them. This mirror magnifies 7 times. It just happened to match my bathroom with it's brushed nickel finish. What a bargain! The plastic version of it in a famous store was about $50 and I got this one for under $20. I came home and immediately saw a magnified close up of my face for the first time in years. I put on some blush and eye makeup after perfecting my eyebrows. I have noticed at work I am the only person who doesn't wear a lot of makeup. (Well, besides a woman 60ish who is from Ireland and a mother earth type). Most of these women wear thick eyeliner and frankly, that's just not me. I am more a natural makeup type. My eyes are small and slanted sort of and without any makeup on them they are lost. Still, a touch of mascara and when going out, a touch of shadow are all I bother with. I do add blush and lipstick at times. I just can't imagine spending an hour or so each day putting on the whole 9 yards. If I'm honest there are days that I throw my hair up on my head with my hands without even brushing it. Not that you could tell that mind you. There was the one time that I arrived at my destination only to realize I had on TWO different shoes. They were both black pumps with low heels (one being about two inches lower than the other.) I actually realized this when a woman (who happened to be a New York stockbroker) leaned over and whispered to me that I was wearing two non matching shoes. This took place at a charity luncheon in a posh country club ocean setting. I laughed and told her that explained why I was limping earlier and couldn't figure out why. She later spotted me across the room at another charity function ran over and said "Shoe check." I was thrilled to learn that she made it out of the Twin Towers on 9/11. She had three small children I had seen with her once.

I guess I will never be the type of person people look at and wonder how she can put it together so well. That's okay though. I've learned to prioritize. Today I did a few things for myself. A few minutes spent meditating do a lot more for me than a compliment that my makeup is perfect.
At this point if I get where I need to be on time I feel good about myself. Now time to run down and find something suitable to serve for dinner.

A Lovely Summer Day

Today I am off work. A badly needed day off. Rob was out of work on Monday with a doctor's note and when he went in they refused to allow him to work. The doctor said he CAN work but they told him he can't. I called the ER doctor who said his primary doctor would need to determine whether or not he can work. Rob went to him this morning and he said yes that he could work with minimal use of his left hand. Rob then went back to work and they told him they would find something for him tomorrow. So, that means he lost Monday and Tuesday and his choices for that are a. to use his vacation days or b. not to be paid. When you live paycheck to paycheck as we do, b is not an option. I have decided to treat this as a vacation day for both of us. My morning began with me meeting my friend Wendy for breakfast. I hadn't seen her in a very long time. Wendy and I have a bond that is very strong. Our sons were treated for leukemia together. That was over ten years ago and we stay in touch. We attend the major events in each other's lives and try to get together for lunch a few times a year. Once in a while we even go into the city and the theatre. Two years ago when I discovered I had a cancer in one of my breasts I called Wendy. I had taken her to Philadelphia for treatment for hers a few years earlier. As time passes, our bond continues to grow and I consider her one of my core friends. We always have so much to chat about. The place that we had breakfast at is a new chain and we loved it. If you have a Turning Point near you, you must try breakfast, lunch or brunch there. The menu has incredible and delicious choices. I had zucchini "pam cakes" which were topped with sugared nuts and whipped cream. Too delicious to describe. We are thinking about trying to find a pasta restaurant tonight that people have been raving about, Carabbas. Yes, I am a carbohydrate junkie.
It seems Rob's work has found something he can do and he will return there tomorrow. I know some people always see the clouds but I refuse to live my life that way. Yes, we will have medical bills that will have to be paid. Rob lost two vacation days. I am so grateful that he still has his hand and his five fingers. It could have been far worse. Losing money is one thing, even money that might be a hardship. It's people and their health that are a tragic loss.
Today I find myself feeling ever so lucky. I am close to the shore. I have the devotion of a man who I feel has the best heart in the world and so much more. A house is made of brick and stone, a home is made of love alone. I had the large beautifully decorated house and it was an empty existence. I now have a warm and inviting comfortable home and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Life is grand and I feel that I am doubly blessed. Not only do I have so much but I have the ability to appreciate it. Sometimes I think gratitude is a gift.

Oh for a quiet (even boring) life

The past three weekends have been so hectic. Family visiting from out of town, squeezing in errands and visits with neighbors left me without a moment just to sit and think. This past week our office administrator was on vacation with her family and I worked six of the last seven days. For a few of those the owner of our company was out herself with out of town guests. I had a ten minute lunch ONE day and not even a short break the rest. My feet are swollen from all the walking and running around I did. I was so looking forward to a restful weekend. I found out last weekend that one of the girls in our office was having a baby shower on Sunday. At 12:30. I felt obligated to go and besides that I really like her. Today I woke up sat down with a cup of coffee and just beamed thinking about a day to do only what I wanted to. Rob decided today was the day he was going to clean the garage (that is before cutting the lawn). I went in and was helping to straighten out shelves with kitchen overflow items. I pulled out a few things I had been looking for and came in to wash them. Rob came in a few minutes later holding our mini food processor. He said he thought he had broken the safety switch and was going to check it. He plugged it in and it didn't work. He then plugged it into a different outlet and when it didn't work again he decided to hold a knife down where the missing piece would have been. Boom! The thing immediately cut on and he began to shriek. I looked over to see blood, plenty of it.
"I need stitches." I had to gather my wits about me and put on a clean shirt and flip flops before driving him to the emergency room. Thankfully, we were taken right in. It turned out that there were four cuts, one being much worse than the others. We had to wait an hour for him to get stitched up and receive his tetanus shot. I felt so badly for him. They told him that he would be fine to work in a few days. Really? With four cuts sutured, with a total of fourteen stitches?
We left with two scripts: one for pain meds and one for antibiotics.
My son came over and cut all the grass for us. I am thankful that the garage was not totally torn apart at that point. It needs some tweeking but that's about it. The doctor said she thought a cocktail was in order for me today. SO.....for medicinal purposes I shall have at least one.
Earlier this week (Wednesday evening) Rob with the help of a few neighbors, installed an over the stove microwave. I was finally able to toss the one I had with paint chips coming off the roof. It also took up so much counter space, which is in short supply in this house. I had done without one for several days so we had quite the supply of leftovers. Rob and I moved the kitchen cabinet that the microwave goes under, up several inches. It now sits above the rest and I like it. That is the "new look". On top of our cabinets I have my collection of Roseville pottery. This is pottery that sold for a few dollars during the Depression Era but now goes for hundreds each piece. Two of my prize pieces are baskets with twig handles. I really love my kitchen. It's got many touches of a country kitchen (complete with a repo farm table) but the appliances are white with some black giving them a sleek look. I guess I should move downstairs to the kitchen and get my finishing touches on my dinner plans. Last night when Rob got home I presented him with a paper. I made a faux menu with all our leftovers and let him select. I did prepare fresh tomato slices over fresh mozzarella cheese sprinkled with garlic infused olive oil, garlic infused red wine vinegar and fresh basil sprinkled on top. It's so easy and fabulous.
Bon appetit'.

Idealism

Idealism thinking of things as they ought to be.......... " The great challenge of adulthood is holding on to your idealism after you lose your innocence." Bruce Springsteen

It's Electric!

Last night our sky was lit up with the loudest, most intense lightning. We had some the other night as well. Seems this heat has the weather electrified. I was supposed Duffy didn't mind the loud booms from the thunder but he didn't. My mother was always terrified of lightning telling stories of how as a young girl lightning hit the kitchen table and it fell in half. Today on the news they said two golfers in New York were hit and one died. They were in a shelter area. I feel safe inside my house but I wait to crawl into my metal bed frame until the worst is over. Tomorrow they are predicting temps that will feel 100. I am working so I'll be indoors but the return to the car late afternoon will no doubt be unpleasant.
This morning my sister-in-law had surgery to remove two tumors. They knew early on they were not cancerous but they were obstructing her throat and chest. Turns out they had to remove her nerve to her vocal cords and she will need speech therapy but the tumors will be gone. I know she'll be so relieved that it's over. It was postponed because the surgeon who performed this (in the Boston area) is leaving soon for Japan to speak. She went to many doctors before finding one would agree to do it. Apparently it was quite involved and we were happy to hear she came through the surgery well. Day before yesterday we got a phone call that Rob's other sister's husband was in the ER with a burst appendix. I was shocked to learn they sent him home tonight. He has to have an IV in his arm and a visiting nurse must come to administer IV antibiotics. These insurance companies have gone too far in my opinion. Your entire body is full of poison and they send you home with a fever?
My grandmother is here for her last weekend. I have enjoyed her so much. We have gone out do dinner, gone there and taken dinner twice and had lunch twice. The other day when we were leaving a diner I hugged her and told her having her here was such a treat. She replied that she always worries that she will be a burden. I assured her helping her get in and out of my mother's van, or up and down a flight of diner stairs is something that I will never mind doing. She does seem proud when no one can believe she is 94. Her hair is primarily brown. She has fewer wrinkles than her daughter. She should be the Ponds Cold Cream cover girl. Seriously.
Well, time to kick back and enjoy the weekend.

Coming To Grips with Life's Changes

Late last night I almost felt as though I had the weight of the world on me. To be honest, it wasn't the entire world, just a few continents. As the evening progressed I began to realize that I needed to sit back and put things in perspective. I walked outside and tried to find the good in the neighbor's fence. It is a beautiful fence. A six foot high fence with lattice work on the top foot of it. It's vinyl and I could take down my chain link fence on that side of the property. I saw that she put it slightly in from the property line. Deep breath. I slowly let it go. Some other thing that have bothered me seemed less important too.
This morning my mother showed up at my door with my 94 yr. old grandmother who is still in town. We went out for lunch and then to a bargain store. While eating at our favorite diner a beautiful woman came over to me. "Mrs. Roberts?" I looked up and recognized one of the chemo floor nurses who had cared for my son during his illness. She was as happy to see me as I her. She has a little boy of her own now. She wanted to know where I was living and working. She was thrilled to know how well my son is doing. They don't often have that kind of outcome. She wants to come and see me sometime. Wonderful. She wants me to give her best to my son. But..she already did that fifteen years ago. She soothed his pains, both physical and emotional. She taught him how to give himself shots of insulin when he became diabetic for three years from chemo. I owe her so much. We both do. I got so ferklempt that I couldn't say much. I will next time I see her. I hope if there are any nurses who read this they will understand just how much they mean to a family at a time like this.
I keep reminding myself that the glass can be half empty or half full. I hope I never see the emptiness when I am so blessed. I"m a nearly thirty year cancer survivor and my son is a fifteen year cancer survivor. I'm a two year heart valve replacment survivor and a two year breast cancer survivor. When I think of one word to describe myself the word survivor comes to mind. Thing is, I'm not just happy to have survived. I want to be a thriver. I want to be a sunflower. Moving my head slowly throughout the day to soak up all the rays of warmth, love and positive energy. I think I am a work in progress but I am becoming a little bit more of what I want to be each day.
WE must become the change we wish to see in the world. ~ Gandhi

A Neighbor's Influence

I found out a few days ago that one of my favorite neighbors will be moving. I am sad about this. These are neighbors who were ideal. When we moved in we had some people coming to give us fence estimates. The man came over and offered to help Rob do it and save us several hundreds of dollars. The real deciding factor was that we would have to wait for weeks for a company to do it and Sandie was used to a larger yard. We did it for her safety. Throughout the four years we have lived here, these people have done more kind things than I could ever tell. They sent me flowers when I was in the hospital and came over to check on me when I got home. We have become fond of their two daughters and watched them grow. They will be moving to Florida where the wife's family is. Although I hate to see them go, I am thankful for the opportunity of having such wonderful people near us.
A neighbor on the other side of us is a problem person. Trust me, when people cannot get along with me, they are problem people. ::::insert laughter::::::
When we first moved in this woman gave her car keys to her adolescent son who promptly backed the car down the driveway losing control of it and plowing into my car. As I was calling the police, she began to scream at me that it was not neighborly to involve the police. I chose not to press charges against her or her son but she continued to say I was difficult when I told her I expected her to pay for the damages. She chose not to contact her insurance company and I went along with that. Still, she found me unreasonable. Since then I have more or less avoided her. A few weeks ago when something blew into her yard she contacted our township and told them I was grooming my cat and throwing volumes of cat fur onto her lawn. Now honestly, this was quite funny. She went to the down and got a variance to put up a six foot fence. (the kind with the criss cross on the top foot.). I will be relieved not to have to see into her yard which is becoming more unsightly daily.
I just hate not getting along with someone. Our township government all know her and think her odd. Imagine that. Her thinking I am the difficult one. She contacted the town and told them we were tossing charcoal briquets onto her lawn. The official burst into laughter when I told her I had a gas grill. There are no briquets to throw and if she thinks I would chuck good lava rock then she is truly insane.
I have off tomorrow. I hope I can find some time to get into my zen meditation garden and just zone out. OHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Wonderful Weekend

I had a simply wonderful weekend. My sister came from upstate New York. She brought her friend with her and her daughter. We had a nice cookout at my parents house and went out to lunch today. My niece, recently back from a semester in England where she managed to travel all over Europe looks fabulous. She will be starting her senior year at college and I envy the place she is in her life with so much to look forward to. She wants to be a pharmacist and she seems to have it all together. Her sister is living near my parents with her father and they got to have some quality time together as well. My sister is going through a difficult time. She will be having surgery the end of August. For her privacy I will not discuss it but we are all concerned. Being the older sibling is difficult. You feel compelled to take care of the younger siblings. Rob's sister will be having surgery Sept. 4th as well.
Rob is going through a series of tests with my cardiologist. He has a sometimes racing heartbeat. Sometimes tachycardia is not serious and other times it can be symptomatic of a serious condition. Our doctor is making sure that it is not serious. His final test is August 7th and then we will know hopefully soon after that. My cardiologist is now treating me, my father and my husband. I should get kickbacks or at least free meds!
I did my first major mail merge at work last Friday. It went smooth as silk. I was relieved. This weekend my sister bought a mail merge with her done by an underling. The woman pulled some major errors. Now she will have to redo a lot of the work this week. My wrists hurt from all the folding, stuffing etc. but my mind is happy that I figured it out on my own and pulled it off. I am thinking that I might go to school at night and get a real estate license myself. It would be a good source of a second income for me. It would also help me to better understand some things that happen. This would be a commitment for four months, two nights a week at a college. I know a woman who is going to do it so I would have a partner. She is lovely and I think it would work well for us.
Well it's time for bed. My weekend was full, went by too quickly, but I had some good laughs with my sister. Just to be able to hug her and let her know I care made me feel a lot better.

Happy 94th birthday to my grandmother

Today is a special day. My grandmother turned 94 today. I was with her on Thursday but right now she is visiting some other family members and attending some church activities she wanted to this weekend. We had her cake on Thursday night but when she returns I will have another one for her. I mean she deserves it!

My grandmother is such a special person in my life. When I was little (up until the age of ten) I often lived with her and my grandfather. My Dad was in the Navy and often abroad. When he was stationed near us we only saw him on weekends. My mother had four kids (one was born after his retirement) and was overwhelmed. Her mother was a block away from the house they built when I was six. Up until then we often lived with my grandparents in their two bedroom home. Talk about a tight squeeze. They lived in Silver Spring, Maryland and my grandfather was a policeman (the FIRST motorcycle officer they had.....and he had a white Harley). My grandparents were the kind who always doled out hugs and kisses. At that time policmen didn't make much money....money was so tight with both my parents and grandparents. Still my grandmother always put beautiful meals on the table and made sure that we had everything that we needed. I will never forget when I got my first bicycle at the police auction. They bought it for me and I was so proud of it.

When I told my family I was getting divorced they were all angry with me......except for my grandmother. She trusted me to know what was best for me. She even went so far as to tell a minister that by refusing to marry me later that he was judging me. To have support like that means the world to someone who is hurting.

Throughout life we have many blessings. When I was receiving radiation treatments my grandparents drove 200 miles to be with me through some of those bleakest hours. There has never been a day in my life that my grandmother has not showered me with unconditional love. She now does the same for Rob and my son.

I am so very blessed and so proud to have this beautiful woman for my grandmother. God bless you always.

When Knowing To Help and When Not To............

I have had a real quandry of the past few days. I have neighbors who I like very much. Thing is they are doing a lot of drinking. Alcohol is costly and they have become increasingly careless about their finances in order to enjoy their pursuit.
They recently went on a vacation and came back in a serious state because they had run up an enormous bar tab. The following day they came here asking for food. I have had my freezer and pantry lower than usual with recent repairs to my air conditioner and replacing my water heater. Still I gave them a few things to tide them over. Another neighbor came here and told me that they had gone out to buy another case of beer before coming here to get food. Now I am thinking that perhaps I am not truly helping these people out. It's a fine line from being helpful to becoming an enabler. Still, I tell myself that they bought the beer BEFORE coming here and had I said no, they still would have had the beer.

I am by nature a helping and sharing person. I do recognize that there are times where people need to face reality. Clearly when you choose to buy beer over food there is a problem. Other neighbors are getting increasingly concerned. I have had vast experience with a friend who became an alcoholic. Only the person themselves can make the determination that they need help. I have decided though that I need to gently tell them I can't afford to help them. I haven't had a vacation in four years. That vacation was a ONE night stay in a cabin in the Poconos. These people have vacationed five times in less time than that. If I ever hope to get away for even a few nights I have to buckle down and stop helping others. At least financially.

It's my birthday!

Today is my birthday. Hallelujah! I made it another year. That is THE gift. On my birthday I always think back to my cancer diagnosis at 23. It's been nearly thirty years since then. I guess that makes me a scrapper. I am in many ways. I am a paradox: the gentlest of the gentle at times, the weakest of the weak and at other times tough as nails.

My friend and I that had a standing arrangement of taking each other out to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch on our birthdays left me high and dry. She has other problems to deal with and knows I will understand. I do understand but it still stings somewhat.

My boss/friend gave me a beautiful arrangement of flowers which include pink roses and purple daisies. So colorful and fragrant. I got some checks and something sweet and thoughtful from Rob. I have yet to cut my cake. My son is on his way over shortly and we'll cut it then. I have my son. He survived leukemia. Another gift. Of the only important kind. I have a new coworker. Her son committed suicide. She is such a wonderful person. I have the utmost respect for her and she is so very likeable. Not enough things could be said to do her justice. I know what it's like to FACE the loss of a child without actually losing one. Her pain must be tenfold because it didn't have to be. I have been thinking so much about people who in utter despair end their lives. I understand it. Just a way to make the pain stop. I also think that at that time they must not be able to think of the pain they leave behind them. I wish they could.

I am 52 years old today. That may sound old to some. I am a survivor. I have survived Hodgkins disease, breast cancer, open heart surgery (and the receiving of a mechanical part), and a failed marriage. I have shed many tears. I have laughed and shared wonderful moments with friends. My cup is not half full, it overflows with all the wonderful things that life has brought me. I am loved. For that I am so grateful and my spirit sings.

Happy 4th of July!

In New Jersey there is a state crisis. The governor is forcing the elected officials to come meet with him today and try to work out the budget. If they don't, the state offices that are NONessential will not be open tomorrow. They may have to close down Atlantic City and the casinos. State parks are closed until further notice.

I used to be married to a state employee. The benefits were grand. Now that I am not, and don't have those benefits, I see what the problem is. Years ago state salaries were very low. Now they are not so low. I know people who have been working for about twenty years who are making over 40K and have a killer benefits package. In the private sector benefits are being stripped away. My ex pays $3 for a drug that my copay is $50 on. He doesn't contribute at all for the health plan and we are currently contributing several hundred a month towards ours. State workers often accumulate hundreds of days off they didn't take and get a lump sump of up to 20K when they retire for those days. I don't get paid sick days, or vacation days right now. I don't know anyone in the private sector that has it so good.

I wish now I had taken the jobs that the state had way back when. What I didn't know was that they would become unionized and I would have the killer benefits AND the pay up the road. The state workers can afford to live in New Jersey but sadly, the lower middle class cannot. If these trends continue they are predicting that New Jersey will only consist of the rich and the poor who take care of them. The middle class will soon be gone altogether.

Some Relaxing Time

This has been the first week since I went to work nearly a year ago that I got to have four consecutive days off. I am only part time and don't get any vacation so I take time off sparingly.

My friend (childhood best) invited us to her home outside of Phila. I was psyched. She has a new home and is fixing it up as only she can. She has some eclectic tastes with a heavy passion for art. She recently met a new artist whose works are unique. She doesn't have a website so I can't post what she does but I am intrigued by them. She purchased one called "Self portrait" that I am mad for. The price tag is too hefty for me to own any of her work but it is just so different. She bought three pieces from her. The young artist also does prints of her pieces which she is selling for $500. For that kind of money I want an original piece of art. When I first married I had been given an original piece of art. Sadly, it was not something I liked. The typical empty row boat next to a barn. I never even hung it and sold it at a yard sale years later. The ONLY piece of real art I have is one that has brought me tremendous joy. It is the sunflower picture (perhaps I should say one of them) painted by the gifted artist Judith Heartstrong. I love it and when guests come in my home they always remark about it. Someday I hope to purchase a second work and put this one into my favorite room of my home, the bedroom. My friend's house is filled with artwork, all originals. Her home is also filled with many candles, fresh flowers and all kind of unusual things which are fascinating.

We were having a delightful visit with her parents, sister, son, daughter and niece and nephew when we sat down to our second meal. Our lunch had been a feast for the bodies and senses. For dinner we just did burgers and dogs on the grill. The long haired chihuaha grabbed Rob's burger which he hadn't touched. He grabbed the burger and pulled the remaining part (outside of the dog's mouth out). We were laughing and he reached down to pet the dog when it bit him. Not realized how bad the bite was at first we laughed, thinking the dog had grazed him. When he came out of the bathroom, with blood pouring off his hand, I realized that the dog had made some puncture wounds. At that point the combination of drinking beer, playing badminton in the sun, overeating, indulging in extra helpings of cheesecake took it's toll on the poor guy. He laid down but then I just told him let's head home. We had brought a backpack prepared to stay over but we learned that her son and his girlfriend had the same idea. There was only one air mattress up for grabs and since Rob was feeling so hot, I felt we were better off taking the hour or so drive home.

My son spent the night here as he was pet sitting for us. This morning he got up at 4:30 to go take care of his bird before heading off to work. I feel badly for him. He had about 4 hours sleep. He will have off tomorrow. We had left Duffy with him and gone away for the weekend when Duff was a few months old. The minute Tom arrives Duffy starts pacing and acts weird. Even today is at odds, I suspect he has seperation anxiety.

My parents just called. They finally got some gas in their grill bottle. It's only TWO years old and this is the first time it's been filled. They are having burgers and some trimmings and want us to come by. I guess we will do that. I had intended to bake cupcakes..wonder if there's still time.

One other thing.....this past week my air conditioner went. My one neighbor who does plumbing/air conditioning repair/heating repair offered to take a look at it. He knew immediately that the motor which runs both heat and air was burned out. He contacted another neighbor, Jeff whose Dad owns a heating/plumbing parts business. Jeff was able to FIND one (they are no longer being manufactured) and get it to us overnight. He only wanted us to pay what it cost him to get it. We gave him that and money to take his family out for ice cream. The plumber, Ken, told us he would not accept money. He put in the motor and noticed that we also needed freon. He told us he would have to charge us for that. He came within hours of the part arriving which Jeff had hand delivered to us. We gave Ken the money for the freon and money to take his family out to lunch. He didn't want to take it but I INSISTED. I have to say that when things go bad and you find out that there are people out there who still have heart, who care enough to help out a neighbor, it renews your faith in mankind. I have lived in neighborhoods where money flowed. In this neighborhood people live (for the most part) from paycheck to paycheck. I have never experienced such an outpouring of support and kindness. These wonderful people do not care about anyone's color, marital state or physcial attributes. Everyone (with the exception of two neighbors who attempt to cause problems for others and who are very mean)
is treated equally. I often think of "Dr. King's I have a dream speech". I hope he can look down and see our little corner of the world. Brotherhood is alive and well and we live where we are judged by the contents of our character.

Happy July 4th. America is not perfect but neither am I and I love her.

(Forgive my errors but I am typing this on a computer that doesn't allow pop ups so I cannot use the spell check feature.)

A Million Little Thoughts..............

this is a year ago...........
and this is now...........
they have reversed roles as who is the big brother.......
Today the cat was on his way to make a quick break outside of the fence (he's front declawed and I don't let him run wild) and his brother followed his herding instincts and held him there until I could get there to pick him up and return him to safety.

In my previous entry I talked about a coworker who took his own life. It has been a spirit of grief and sadness at the office. Our owner brought in a grief counsellor who heads a suicide prevention group. It was helpful to listen to her. She told us that noone was to blame. Of course in your head you know this but I think all who knew him keep asking ourselves if there might have been some small thing that might have made a difference. I understand that he had written a goodbye letter which the police took from his home. His wife has yet to receive it back and has no idea what it says. I found it odd that she said had she been offered the opportunity to read it that night she would have declined. His wife is unusual. She says although she does not understand who is she TO understand. She seems to be a lot more capable of logical reasoning than some of the rest of us. I think this has had an impact on the rest of us. We are being supportive of each other and I think seeing a vulnerability in your coworkers helps you to bond with them. There has been good that has come out of this tragedy. I do find myself feeling very emotional and in the office I try to keep that under control. When I see anything with his name on it my eyes well up with tears but I compose myself.

The woman who came to speak to us had a very professional, well respected son who took his own life. She spoke about what that was like for her. It's been many years and she still doesn't understand fully but has gained much understanding. Often a suicide coincides with depression. That is why it's so important if you see someone depressed to try to help them. This made me do a lot of soul searching. About seven years ago I was battling a depression. I feel (and was told by a professional) that it was being caused by my lack of support and verbal demeaning I was receiving from my ex spouse. The depression was worsening and there came a time where I thought about what it might be like to end it all. I found that for about two weeks I thought of little else. While doing this I stopped functioning on most levels. One day I knew that I had come to a fork in the road. I had to either do it OR get some professional help to pull myself out of what was happening. I made the decision to get help. I was fortunate in knowing two people who had used an excellent doctor. He helped me more than I could ever describe. He assured me that things would get better once I took control back of my life. He helped me find the tools to do that. I am not embarassed that I needed his help. I am grateful for it and I highly recommend that type of help to anyone who struggles on their own. I set my course that day. I took baby steps at first but now I am back on track. I have the life that I dreamed I might have so many years ago. No one's life is perfect. I have some financial and health concerns. The difference is now that I know I will be okay. I know that I am a survivor (of many things).

I am not what I was told I was. I was manipulated for many years but that is over.
Now I am me. I am not the brightest but I'm bright enough. I'm not the prettiest but I'm pretty enough. I AM competent. Although I once perceived myself as weak, logic tells me that I am strong to have turned my life around. Still, I am weak enough to have compassion and identify with others. I finally know that I AM ok. Knowing that allows me to know that so are others. I'm in a good place. Hope you are too.

Those Left Behind

This past weekend one of our coworkers ended his life. We are all bewildered. We are hurting. We are barely funcitioning. We keep rehashing our last days with him. Our conversations and I remember his laughing at something I told him. I remember, almost always, seeing him with a smile. His kind gestures and thoughtfulness. He always called before coming in, did we need anything? I think of the last phone call where he called and I had three other calls on hold and I kind of rushed him off the phone.
I think I know why he may have done this. He apparently had financial problems and I am wondering if he had a hefty life insurance policy. Most people don't realize that you CAN collect on policies after they are a certain time period old even if you do not die a natural death.
My heart aches for this man's family. I had met his wife a month or so ago. I cannot imagine how she is feeling. There are something I hope never to understand.
In the meantime we grieve, we miss our friend. We feel the loss. We cry and we hope that somehow we will never go through this again. We find ourselves telling each other that we are here for each other. A counsellor is coming to talk to us. To explain and to offer us support. In the meantime, we go through the motions. It's all we can do. You will be missed B. Perhaps more than you might ever have imagined.

Gearing into summer mode

It's official. Yesterday was the first day of summer. To me summer is the time I get to wear the clothes I love most. Cotton tops and skirts....billowing in the summer breeze. Top on my list is flip flops. I have them in many colors and some are leather and quite fancy. Others are the basic type. I simply love them. Last week I received a chain letter from a neighbor where I was asked to send someone a pair of flip flops. I did and found that it cost me about $5 to send the flip flops that I was able to get on sale from Old Navy for $2.50. Anyway I thought that person would enjoy receiving a fun summer package.

It's really been hot here in the Northeast. I keep watering my plants and trees. Tomorrow evening we are supposed to get a heavy rain storm. I planted some small trees and shrubs and they are like my babies. I love flowers and all nature. We have a bird bath and two bird feeders near our wooded area of the backyard. I get such pleasure watching the birds and the trees in the wind and sun. We enjoy our patio very much but when it's 90 and very humid I can't enjoy it too much until the sun goes down. We are considering getting some type of outdoor fire pit or chiminea for chilly evenings. I have noticed it also seems to keep the mosquitoes at bay. I miss my fireplace from my old house. This house doesn't really have a place for one. Our neighborhood has been upset over the one neighbor who filed a complaint against another for using his chiminea. The man who filed the complaint uses a charcoal grill and puts enough lighter fluid on it to cause huge flames. Then he complains that his neighbors clean fire wood burning is what causes smoke. I don't buy it. I am a live and let live kind of person. I am happy to help any neighbors or friends. I hate people who are confrontational and want to impose their preferences on others. It's the only thing I am intolerant about. Sometimes I wish I had a time machine. I wish I could go back to the hippie period and hang out in Haight Ashbury. I want to attend a love in. Wear beads and flash the peace sign. I know that can't happen but can't we just have neighborhood peace and brotherly love. Being the perpetual optomist I sent the disturbed neighbor a note and suggested that. Now when he passes he looks at me like I'm the crazy one. I kind of like that. Maybe I have him thinking.

Trying to catch a break

Things in my life have been topsy turvy since Saturday. On Saturday I went to work and put my purse in my boss's office. (The keys to open her office were inside the purse.) She came in did some work and left. After she left I realized that she had locked the office with my purse in it. I called her cel phone but she was with a client and I had to wait nearly two hours for her to come back to get it. When I got home I had hoped to attend our township celebration day. They were having a lot of music and fireworks. Our neighbors were on and off about joining us. In the end they didn't and we didn't go. I had Rob pick up ground beef for dinner and made a meatloaf. After waiting for it to cook when I went to slice it a rancid smell filled the air and we had no dinner.

Sunday I went grocery shopping and caught up on a few other things.

Monday I was rushing around like crazy and my head was abuzz with all the things I was going to accomplish that day. I opened my purse standing next to my car and saw that my keys were not in it. Panic. I pulled out my cel phone and there was one bar left. DAMN! I called my mother and told her I needed her to give me a lift to Rob's work so I could take his key. When she picked me up she let me know that my father had planned to take her to lunch. I told her that she had plenty of time left and could be at the restaurant by 1. This was not good enough though. We had been to Rob's job site and returned here in less than an hour. When I did get back I left for my bra shopping ordeal. I went to a dept. store having a huge sale. I found two that fit and they were on sale so I got them. I ran over to my cardiologist office and got a much better report than I did last month. I was feeling good and decided to go to the bra outlet place where you get good attention. I was measured and the salesperson presented me with TWENTY bras in my size. Two of them fit well. I took them and headed home. It was a good day. I decided to bake cakes for two men I worked with who are single and were having birthdays. I baked an extra one and invited our neighbors over. They said they were coming and I prepared a pitcher of margaritas, lit outdoors torches and candles and chilled their favorite beer. When all this was done the phone rang and they said they couldn't make it. Hmmmm....okay.

Tuesday morning I arrived at work an hour early. There was a meeting and I needed to slice bagels and arrange furniture. This went off without a hitch until something was said to me that was very embarassing. Basically my presence was not required at a meeting. Whatever happened to calling someone aside and speaking to them privately? It ruined my day.

Wednesday today took the cake. I went to work and that went okay. I had an appointment after work to have an MRI of my left shoulder. It's been painful and difficult to move. I arrive at the place at 4:15. They tell me they have lost their power. Not sure when it will be back. They think I need to reschedule but can't do it without their computers. They'll call me. I had hung around town running errands killing that hour before the appt. I come home after picking up sandwiches for dinner. Rob comes in eats and showers for his yearly physical appt. Just as he is leaving and a neighbor shows up at my front door with her huge dog, the phone is ringing. The MRI place has their power back, can I come for 9? I say I can. Rob gets home just in time to take me. When I arrive I reconfirm that this is for an OPEN MRI. Yes. They take me in and show me this machine. They have to be kidding. This is NOT open. It's about 4 feet long and solid. The regular machine is 9 feet so the man tells me that this is considered open. He insists on putting me on the table and putting me in the machine. OK I bite. After about 30 seconds I demand to be taken out. I have a fear of being buried alive. This is way too close for comfort. He tries to persuade me but I tell him NO. He says I need to be tranquilized. Hmmm let me put it this way if I am conscious it's not going to happen. I am now home and very tired. I need to have a few consecutive easy days.

My boobs are looking perkier in my new bras but the shoulder thing is going to need a different approach. What is it that MRI people don't understand the word OPEN?
A long tube is NOT open. There has to be a better way.

TGIF............sort of

Today is Friday and I should be jumping for joy.......except that I have to work tomorrow AND next Saturday so it doesn't feel like a real weekend. Even though I will have Mondays off afterwards, it's just not the same. Besides this Monday I will be going to my cardiologist. He's a brilliant but not the most patient man. He has a biting wit which I do enjoy like when he asked me recently if I were taking my blood thinners (Coumadin) recreationally. This is the most difficult drug to get the dose right on. Nearly all other medicines, the food that you eat, and alcohol consumption can alter it. It's usually too high or too low but rarely at the target number. When the count is off it often means blood tests every two weeks instead of each month. I hate needles and I hate copays.

Yesterday my problem neighbor (who had a pool up last year without the benefit of a fence called the township to lodge a complaint about us. Although initially annoyed, the more I reread the letter the funnier it became. Firstly she claims that we put use charcoal and burnt food on her property. We use a gas grill and there IS no charcoal. Rob is an expert chef and there has never been any burnt food either, except for an occasional hot dog which he chars the outside of for me. I wouldn't even share that with the dog. Her second absurd claim is that we are grooming our cat and throwing the cat fur on her property. This person has two DUCKS roaming her back yard which is littered with feathers. She would know a piece of cat fur? We have an indoor cat and he gets brushed inside with the fur being put into the garbage. This woman has an environmental easement on her property as do we. She was seen cutting down trees which I feel border the easement, if are not inside the easement. I took some pictures. I guess she thinks this is my payback. How sad that in life we have to deal with some people like this. This woman came from another country, is a single mother of three and has no visible means of support. She drives a new vehicle and her children are in private schools. They dress beautifully. You have to wonder. It makes me think something has gone terribly wrong in this country.
In this state and in the town where I grew up.

Animals are a huge responsibility

So many people take on animals without any thought to the fact that you are taking on a dozen or more years of responsibility. At times it is necessary to take an animal and later find it a good home elsewhere. That is honorable. What is not honorable is taking a member of your family and dropping it off at a shelter because it's become inconvenient for you. Someone sent me this is an email. My first reaction was a flood of tears. Please read this and pass it on because maybe it will make some people who want to go on vacation think before they drop their pet off at an animal shelter.

Educational and realistic on "giving up" pets...
this will bring tears to your eyes.

A man in Grand Rapids, Michigan incredibly took out a $7000 full page ad in the paper to present the following essay to the people of his community.


HOW COULD YOU? By Jim Willis, 2001

When I was a puppy,
I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh.
You called me your child,
and despite a number of chewed shoes
and a couple of murdered throw pillows,
I became your best friend.
Whenever I was “bad,” you’d shake your finger at me
and ask “How could you?” --
but then you’d relent and roll me over for a belly-rub.

My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together.
I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed
and listening to your confidences and secret dreams,
and I believed that life could not be any more perfect.
We went for long walks and runs in the park,
car rides, stops for ice cream
(I only got the cone
because “ice cream is bad for dogs, you said),
and I took long naps in the sun
waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.

Gradually, you began spending more time at work
and on your career,
and more time searching for a human mate.
I waited for you patiently,
comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions,
and romped with glee at your homecomings,
and when you fell in love.
She, now your wife, is not a “dog person” --
still I welcomed her into our home,
tried to show her affection, and obeyed her.
I was happy because you were happy.

Then the human babies came along
and I shared your excitement.
I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled,
and I wanted to mother them, too.
Only she and you worried that I might hurt them,
and I spent most of my time banished to another room,
or to a dog crate.
Oh, how I wanted to love them,
but I became a “prisoner of love.”
As they began to grow, I became their friend.
They clung to my fur and pulled themselves
up on wobbly legs and poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose.
I loved everything about them and their touch
-- because your touch was now so infrequent --
and I would’ve defended them with my life if need be.
I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway.

There had been a time, when others asked you
if you had a dog,
that you produced a photo of me from your wallet
and told them stories about me.
These past few years,
you just answered “yes” and changed the subject.
I had gone from being “your dog” to “just a dog,” and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.

Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city,
and you and they will be moving to an apartment
that does not allow pets.
You’ve made the right decision for your “family,”
but there was a time when I was your only family.
I was excited about the car ride
until we arrived at the animal shelter.
It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness.
You filled out the paperwork and said
“I know you will find a good home for her.”
They shrugged and gave you a pained look.
They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with “papers.”

You had to pry your son’s fingers loose from my collar
as he screamed “No, Daddy!
Please don’t let them take my dog!”
And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty,
about love and responsibility,
and about respect for all life.
You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too.
After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago
and made no attempt to find me another good home.
They shook their heads and asked “How could you?”

They are as attentive to us here in the shelter
as their busy schedules allow.
They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago.
At first, whenever anyone passed my pen,
I rushed to the front, hoping it was you
that you had changed your mind --
that this was all a bad dream...
or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared,
anyone who might save me.
When I realized I could not compete
with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies,
oblivious to their own fate,
I retreated to a far corner and waited.
I heard her footsteps as she came for me
at the end of the day,
and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room.

A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table
and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry.
My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come,
but there was also a sense of relief.
The prisoner of love had run out of days.
As is my nature, I was more concerned about her.
The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her,
and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood.
She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg
as a tear ran down her cheek.
I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you
so many years ago.
She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein.
As I felt the sting and the cool liquid
coursing through my body,
I lay down sleepily,
looked into her kind eyes and murmured
“How could you?”
Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak,
she said “I’m so sorry.”
She hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job
to make sure I went to a better place,
where I wouldn’t be ignored or abused
or abandoned, or have to fend for myself --
a place of love and light so very different
from this earthly place.
And with my last bit of energy,
I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail
that my “How could you?” was not directed at her.
It was directed at you,
My Beloved Master, I was thinking of you.
I will think of you and wait for you forever.
May everyone in your life continue to show you
so much loyalty.

A Note from the Author:
If “How Could You?” brought tears to your eyes
as you read it, as it did to mine as I wrote it,
it is because it is the composite story
of the millions of formerly “owned” pets
who die each year in
American & Canadian animal shelters.

Please use this to help educate, on your websites,
in newsletters, on animal shelter
and vet office bulletin boards.
Tell the public that the decision to add a pet
to the family is an important one
for life,
that animals deserve our love and sensible care,
that finding another appropriate home for your animal
is your responsibility
and any local humane society or animal welfare league
can offer you good advice, and that all life is precious.

Please do your part to stop the killing,
and encourage all spay & neuter campaigns
in order to prevent unwanted animals.

----
Please pass this on to everyone,
not to hurt them or make them sad,
but it could save maybe,even one, unwanted pet.
Remember...
They love
UNCONDITIONALLY.

I miss.............

I miss many things right now. I miss the carefree life I had before having to take life saving meds and the tests required to monitor them. I miss my chest before it got this "hypertrophy" scar that people keep asking about. I miss Pam and her entries and the hope that things would be okay for her. I miss Duffy being small enough for me to scoop him up in my arm. I miss my Sandie and have come to the realization that I always will. I miss my neighbors who left today to go to the Nascar race at Dover, Delaware. I miss reading without having to change glasses....or to squint. (Still can't figure out how that works but somehow it does.)
I miss driving by Manhattan and seeing the twin towers. I will never get used to that either. I miss the feeling that I lived in a country where things like that could never happen.

I miss living in a world where people treated each other with kindness and respect.

Thank you to everyone who emailed me or made a comment after my last post. You are examples that kindness does still exist. Thanks, I really needed that.

Forging ahead.........

It's not often that I am down in the dumps but I am today.
Right now the real estate business is in a slump. While it may only be temporary there are concerns about office budgets and my hours I am allowed to put in are not enough to meet my needs. I am going to have to begin an aggressive search to find a full time or a part time job with 30 hours a week. Change like this is very stressful for me. I am concerned about meeting bills and have put off going over my bills right now. That's not like me. I am tired of the long search that has produced only TWO interviews. The first later learned that her boss would only hire someone with a bachelor's degree. My three years of college don't count for much. Not without the degree.
I also feel that almost no one is reading my blog anymore. I feel that I am wasting my time making entries and not having anything to say that is worth hearing. I know that is part of depression. I am hoping I can kick this soon.
Worstly, I feel that I am a burden to the person that I most want to be happy. I never wanted to be a burden to anyone. Ever. That's what makes me feel the worst. I hope this feeling passes.

Happy Memorial Day

This was a really good weekend for us here in the tiny fortress known as Robtopia. On Saturday Rob and I got up bright and early and went to Home Depot. We got a much needed umbrella for our table and a few plants which were put in right away. On Sunday around noon my childhood best friend, Debbie, came with her new friend who was really a great guy. Debbie is an ideal guest to have. To be honest, there are not many people who I want here on a three day holiday. I am always behind on things that need doing. Debbie is the perfect hostess and guest. She walked in with many things, including lunch. We had grilled chicken, potato salad and the most delicious green salad. After lunch we went riding in Don's convertable and showed him where we used to live as teens, our school, etc. We also went to the mall to help her select some furniture for her new home. After that we went for margaritas and some snacks to Chilis. We returned home and Rob prepared a sumptious feast of veal picatta, fresh baked bread and asparagus. We played a board game called Truth or Crap which was really funny. Our good friends and neighbors from across the street came over to meet them and stayed for awhile.
This morning we were up at 6 a.m. (it got incredibly hot here later.) We had waffles for breakfast then headed off to Home Depot. Debbie had bought me a gorgeous hydrangea and we made a small flower garden area for it. I put a few tomatoes plants in there as well and some stands with a few hanging planters. We also picked up some arborvites to put in front of my fence and give us a bit more privacy. The yard was really spruced up with the improvements. After the yardwork and showers, we played badminton. It is a severe handicap when you have such short limbs as I do. We had a cook out and after watching a tennis match they took off.
It was just a great weekend, relaxing and accomplishing quite a bit. It just went way too fast and it was the first time since I can remember that I had three days off work in a row. It's really hot out there but the home is looking better all the time and even Debbie remarked how nice it is to have such great neighbors as we do. I feel truly blessed.

Stand Up for what you believe in

I can't really think of a title for this entry. It's my bedtime and I am dog tired.
I have been working really hard both around the house and at my job. I have bought and planted some spring flowers.

This weekend I am so looking forward to a three day weekend having worked the past two weekends. My friend and her beau are coming and I am excited at the prospect of having the house guests. Have our menus planned and some activities. Been a long time since we have had weekend guests. With me working the weekends with the husband are usually kept for ourselves.

I am not blogging nearly as much as usual for several reasons. Things in my life seem the same day to day for the most part. I am watching more television than I have in years. Idol was very exciting this season and I am glad that Taylor won. The top eight at least were winners in my eyes. I really enjoyed getting to know them on some level. I have also enjoyed watching HOUSE a great show on Fox if you haven't seen it and BONES. Much of my viewing has been on Fox network these past few months.

My life has quieted down a bit. I am enjoying many of my coworkers and helped to organize a birthday party for one the other day. A receptionist who often felt unappreciated received the royal treatment. I love seeing people feel appreciated.

Time for bed. I hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day weekend and is able to catch up on all the things that they needed done. Thank you to those who gave their lives so that we can live in a land where we can enjoy our freedoms. In my own small neighborhood there is a battle going on over whether one neighbor can burn his chminea. I am fighting for the rights of the neighbor to do so. I will have to make a court appearance on June 6 and perhaps miss work to do it but I will always take a stand for what I feel to be the rights of others. Peace out.

I'ts a rainy day in the neighborhood....inside and out.......

Have I mentioned how much I detest fighting? This past week or so in my neighborhood has been a cross to bear. There are two families who have outdoor fire pit/chiminea devices. Both of their properties adjoin the yard of a man who is confrontational. This man ordered both families to stop using their devices. He went to the Board of Health who did not think it was a town nuisance but advised him that he could file complaints of them as a personal nuisance.
This is what I find so distasteful about the whole situation. The man has children. He is trying to claim that smoke puts his daughters at health risk. He just stopped smoking recently and exposed them for years to second hand smoke. NOW he is claiming they have allergies. The pollen count has been the highest in twenty years but his windows are wide open. All the warnings tell you not to open them this time of year. If his windows were shut the children wouldn't be exposed to pollen OR smoke. Incidently I have allergies and asthma and I sit next to the fire with no problem because it's clean wood. I recently heard that he was complaining about the SMELL of burning wood from a fireplace hundreds of yards away. Apparently, it is my belief, that he does not like the smell of burning wood. There are many smells I do not care for but others using PineSol as their cleaner is hardly a legal nuisance. I remember one day when I accidentally breathed it in from neighbor's garbage and coughed for twenty minutes. At one point does someone else's right not to like something entitle them to stop others from enjoying their home and property?
About a week ago I was sitting next to the chiminea which had been used earlier but now was no longer burning. Mr. Confrontational came up to the fence and began to verbally assault the other neighbor. FOUR times it was pointed out to him that it was not lit but he would not stop. He was asked to leave but stated he would stand there all night because he could.
Most neighbors where I live strongly feel that Mr. Confrontational is in the wrong. Still, they are hesitant to become involved. This frustrates me greatly. I actually think of the Holocaust. You may think that's a drastic comparison but I ask, at one point does someone step up to the plate and say THIS IS WRONG. For me it was last Friday. I sat down and wrote him a letter. I told him that he should ponder the golden rule.I also told him that what I witnessed was harassment and that I would testify to it if the need arose. I asked him to keep peace in the neighborhood and stop his behavior. I just learned that he went down and filed complaints this morning. Looks like all the people who didn't want to be involved will be drug into court as witnesses. Perhaps that is when this man will finally understand that he stands alone. It's tough taking a stand for what you believe in. One neighbor felt that I might cause problems between who his kids played with. I guess it's a possibility but as long as my brain is still functioning I will never sit in silence and watch another person be harassed. Even though I know I did the right thing I had trouble sleeping last night. You can lead a horse to the water (of brotherhood) but you can't make him drink. I am deeply concerned for his children.

The good n the bad

This week I have been more places, done more things, had less sleep than I can remember. I am actually leading a hectic lifestyle now and managing that. It feels good! My son's birthday went well with me getting him a cel phone. He is frugal and had not spent the money himnself. He seemed to really like it and I arrived at his apartment about 5 on his birthday with the cel phone, a vegetable lasagna and a cake. We had dinner and I straightened up a lot before I came home.
Yesterday one of Rob's coworker's husbands had some major heart surgery. This poor man had two major heart attacks several years ago and has never been able to work since then. He went for a stress test and his heart stopped. They rushed him from that hospital to the hospital where I had my heart surgery. They discovered he had an anneurism and some more blockages. Yesterday they repaired all the problems and thankfully he is doing well. This man's poor wife works both a full time job, a part time job and has two teenage children. I don't know how she does it. I called her at the hospital and told her that we would bring her dinner that evening. I worked, ran to the store, got the ingredients, came home and made my old and wonderful receipe for macaroni and cheese and made brownies for them. She gave me detailed directions but I decided to mapquest it instead. Not realizing that she lived just across the border with a different address. Went to the correct street but wrong town. Thank God for cel phones. We got the right address and arrived only a few minutes late. They were so appreciative. I have learned the hard way when things like this happen don't call people and ask if there is anything you can do. They are too embarassed to tell you WHAT to do. Ask may I do so and so? I find that although people have family and friends who call to ask how people are, few do anything really helpful. This way they will have dinner for a few nights.
This afternoon we are going to visit my childhood best friend. She lives outside of Philly on what's called the "Main Line". This is the train line with the stops. The further outside you live, the more expensive it is. I am excited to see the townhouse she just got. She recently left an emotionally abusive husband and is going to start over. I am so relieved that she got herself out of that situation.
My son just called me. An early morning call usually means trouble. The landlord of his apartment has never liked him. He has some bicycles with motors on them. The landlord told him if he does not remove them by Monday he will evict him. He carries them on a bike carrier on his car and it seems the other neighbors don't like it.
I have told him he needs to rent a storage unit to keep them in. He wants to fill my garage up and I told him no. There is all my stuff in there and it's cramped now. I don't want to be falling over these bikes and motors. Besides the cat has his things in there. I love my son but I want him to understand that he has to find solutions for these things without it becoming MY problem. My garage in my old house was destroyed by things he did. I told him when I moved here that he would not be able to do that. I have things of his stored here already and he needs to think about these things before accumulating things and wanting someone else to take care of them. Although I know I am doing the right thing, I feel a twinge of guilt for not giving him an easy out. I know from the School of Hard Knocks parenting that the easy way out is usually the poorest long term option for the child. Yikes my son is over thirty when do I get to stop having to be an active parent? I am ready for retirement.
Well time to go see what the animals are up to. My lucky husband is sleeping in. We had a late night at the neighbors. It's sunny and gorgeous outside. A wonderful day is to come.......I hope. :)

A Celebration

Tomorrow I will be too busy to make this entry so I am making it tonight. Tomorrow is a huge day for celebrating. My only child, my son Tom is having a birthday. Now, please bear in mind I was VERY young when I had him. I was in fact a teenager (true).
Although I always celebrated his birthdays with joy, once he was diagnosed with leukemia and given only a 30% chance of being alive for the next five years, his birthdays took on a new meaning. At first we dared to hope. AS time went on, it became more and more of a celebration and we anticipated many more to come.
On my son's 16th birthday he was the picture of health. That summer he became increasing tired, weak and ill. The actual diagnosis was made Sept. 4th, 1990. He had childhood leukemia, acute. We had a short time to make some dramatic reversal of his bone marrow or he would not survive the next thrity days. Now, another fifteen birthdays have passed, Tomorrow he will be 32 years old. My baby. Sheesh!
Thank you God for another birthday with my baby who has become a handsome, caring, and kind soul. He is taking a sick day off work and I am only working until the early afternoon then I will go over and make him dinner and take him a birthday cake. Ahhh, friends, life is indeed good.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOMCAT!

MY DEVILS!!!!!!!

Back in 1990 my son had recently been diagnosed with leukemia. I kept trying to find things that would bring him an escape from dealing with it. One of my friend's friends, Sandy offered us tickets to go see the Devils play. A word about Sandy, she is UNIQUE. While her husband could offer her diamonds and furs, she asked for season tickets to the Devils hockey games. I had never been to a game but had seen a few games on TV when there was nothing else on.
My son was excited and off we went. The seats were killer, only 9 rows behind the goal. Excitement was incredible and within twenty minutes we were hooked. That year Martin Brodeur I believe made his first appearance. Throughout that year and the next Sandy often gave us her tickets. We had a great time. We got souvenirs. From then on I became a fan.
When I met a Bruins fan I sensed trouble. I just knew though that if Rob SAW the Devils play he would be pulled in. This year, in the Fall I was finally able to take him to a game. I mean he's only been in Jersey for FIVE years. I have made him a promise. If we come into a landfall I will buy season tickets. He's hooked just like I am now and I am elated that once again they are in the playoff. These guys are just kicking ass and taking names. OH my Devils I just feel that this may be another Stanley cup year for you. ((((((((((((((((Devils)))))))))))))))) you make me proud of New Jersey. Thank you Brodeur, Gomez, Elias and all the others for all the wonderful moments watching you talented guys has brought me and the important men in my life.

We get by with a little help from our friends..........

Starting last Saturday my week was not a good one. On Saturday I woke up with an intense sore throat. Went to the doctor and got antibiotics for strep throat. I went to work Monday thru Thursday feeling tired and draggy. On Friday I woke up with the mother of all sore throats. The strep was not this painful. I tried to nurse it but I had to run and help a friend who was having a problem. Her tire shredded on the parkway and she desperately needed a tire. She is on hard times since her husband chose to vanish after their six month anniversary. She had lived with him for nine years prior to them getting married so she was quite stunned and has been working hard to rebuild her life. She needed a friend to assist her and she needed to use my credit card to get her out of a jam. I did that and she came back to my house where we caught up. Hadn't seen her in two years since she had visited me in the hospital post surgery. By the time she left my throat was on fire. I began nursing it with chicken soup and tea with honey. I was having flashbacks now to the worst cold I ever had in my life. I anticipated waking up with a horrible cold on Saturday and that's just what happened. I believe I have been through four boutique size boxes of tissues. I am cursing myself for not splurging for the ones with lotion as my nose could double for Rudolph. My right nostril is lie a spigot and my throat is still miserable. I simply MUST go to work tomorrow. I laid around all day yesterday. Couldn't really stay in bed and sleep because my head won't permit it. I hate colds. They can cure polio but they can't find a cure for a common cold? Hard to believe.
I just took a longggggg hotttttttt shower. I now smell like a delicious fruit salad. Verbena and ginger. Oddly I can smell. Go figure.
I am going to go on Pogo and work on my game badges there. It always takes my mind off the physical miseries of life.
I will say this: the friend I helped overcame addictions to alcohol and drugs. Recently one of her closest friends relapsed. When her husband walked out it would have been so easy to go back to old bad habits that helped her cope before. I am proud of her. She will rebuild.......with a little help from her friends.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNIFER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This picture is of one of my birthday cakes.............today is a dear friend's birthday who gets the cake love that I have. I was going to get a cake with her name on it, post the pic and eat the cake in her honor. However, this weekend I was in the process of cleaning out my garage freezer when I found a cheesecake from Trader Joe's. You know when it comes to certain things I have NOOOOO self control. I did cut the cheesecake in half and take part of it to my ailing Dad. The rest I am now wearing around my middle! Rob would only have ONE piece of it. Don't think he's got self control. He vetoed the cheesecake in favor of his new addiction, Ben & Jerry's mint chocolate cookie ice cream. I am starting to suspect they have crack in this. I have never seen the man under the influence of a food like this, with the exception of beer, but actually given the choice, he'll go for the Ben & Jerry's. I love the man with all my heart but at times I ask myself am I feeding his addiction????

Back to the topic at hand, today is Xzasporated1's birthday. When I began to journal on AOL I was FTP ignorant. Jennifer taught me all about it.In no time she had me uploading pictures and music. When we all made the exodus to BLOG SPOT she came in and tweeked my journal, making it the lovely blog that it is. The flowers that you see here daily, were added by her. I genuinely like Jennifer, and not just for all the help and instruction she has given me. She has the greatest wit and sense of humor. Whether it's talking about her duties as a Meema (which she takes very seriously) or her duties as Walter's Mommy (lucky little Havenese) or her job as a college professor (one can only hope they realize how lucky they are), you can expect a witty entry. I often find myself laughing out loud. I feel she has brought so much to the journaling community. Her other blog, The Woes and Prose of an American Idol Fan is widely read and highly praised by people as well as blog critics. No one calls it as well as her. She's been with it since Season 1. I was a late comer and often rely on her insights as an "old timer". lol
So today please check out one of her blogs, be it her American Idol or her other
Still Randomly Rambling.
I promise you won't be disappointed.
And in her honor, please raise your fork and have a piece of cake to toast our fellow VIVI award recipient. Blogger extraordinaire we salute you. Have a wonderful day with many happy returns.

Raining and chilly..................

It's 5:30 Sunday morning. Or late Saturday night depending on how you see it. I have been awake since 4 a.m. I have tossed about so much I am sore again. Went through the same thing yesterday morning. I was so dizzy yesterday and not feeling well. I was able to drift back to sleep and when I woke up again at 10 a.m. I felt quite ill. All week my sinuses were bothering me but now my throat and chest hurt as well. I called the doctor who insisted I come in. Strep. Grrrrrr. This is the result of a coworker whose children both had strep. She came to work coughing all over the place and of course used the computer I most often use. Despite hand washing and such, germs seem to manage to survive and often I seem susceptible to strep. I filled my antibiotics and am already feeling somewhat better. I also made a pot of homemade chicken soup which is the only thing that really seems to help a sore throat.

It was 80 on Thursday here. People were out in shorts and flip flops. It was hot. The following day the temperature hit 60 and was in the high 50s for today. It's been raining nonstop but we needed that rain. Our lawn is greening up and I see some tulips blooming in the garden where the daffodils are already done. It's so great to walk outside and see what is in bloom.

Yesterday Rob and I watched several episodes of a new HBO series about polygamy. It's really interesting and quite amusing. The man keeps popping Viagra after he has some continuously frustrating nights. BIG LOVE is the name of it. I personally think that anyone who has ever been married has to wonder why anyone would want multiple spouses. Trying to have a good relationship with ONE person is hard enough but trying to please several at the same time. The show explores some of the obvious problems such as jealousy and some of the wives being materiastically driven to have more. It's interesting and I think rather well done. We now find ourselves watching certain shows and taping others because there are so many on Sunday evening that we are interested in. I never thought this could happen to me. I went six months without a television being turned on in my old house.
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A man's errors are his portals of discovery.
James Joyce

Surivor's Guilt

I don't know if any of you will have ever heard about this before but there is something that haunts every cancer survivor. It's called survivor's guilt. Every time you know of someone who lost their battle with cancer you feel guilty for having won yours. You feel that there has to be some hidden reason and at times you feel compelled to discover what that reason is. If the person who passes on is younger than you the guilt is stronger. When I initially survived the cancer I felt that it was because I was destined to raise my son. As he got older I feared that he no longer needed me and perhaps God would decide then was the time. When my son was 16 and developed leukemia along with it came his survivor's guilt. I will never forget when my son was hospitalized for months continuously. A young boy just over a year old named Jimmy had been diagnosed with AML (adult leukemia). That is fatal in all but 5% of cases. My son felt guilty because he was fortunate enough to have ALL (childhood leukemia). His guilt increased when Jimmy died. I had to explain to him that it had nothing to do with him. At the same time I was experiencing my own sort of guilt. What put it over the top for me was when a sixteen year old died from Hodgkins disease, the same type of cancer I had had. Even though he was diagnosed early and received excellent treatment, nothing worked. I was sitting in the waiting room of the outpatient clinic when he ran out of the doctor's office screaming. The scream made it obvious that he had received very bad news. His parents were with the doctor and I jumped up and threw my arms around him. I felt faint but I kept a stiff upper lip as far as he could see. It was later when I was alone that I fell apart.
Right now I am again feeling some survivor's guilt. I feel guilty that my son is a grown adult and Pam's children, especially her daughter whom she called "Kissy" in her entries, still need her so.
Once again I look at someone who's life had real substance and I ask "WHY"?
There are no answers. I know the pat answers that are given. They don't seem to bring comfort. When someone whose children still need them leaves it always feels too soon. These are things that I will struggle with as long as I live I suspect.
I only know that it makes me realize how special life is and that I have to appreciate each and every day. I can't afford to waste even one day. None of us knows how long we have but we can control the quality of the life we live. I strive to bring what I can to those who are a part of my life .... and I pray, for understanding and for patience....and for the families that are left behind.

Random thoughts

On Easter Sunday I forgot to mention two things that happened. My Dad lost his crown as he was attempting to eat his Easter ham. My mother was busy still getting dinner on the table. He kept asking her to stop everything and come put his crown back on as the post was sticking his tongue and causing him discomfort. Mom kept ignoring him. Finally he looked at Rob and I and said that whoever helped him would be put in his will and my mother would be eliminated for not helping him. I can't tell you how this sounds coming out of the mouth of an 83 yr. old man but trust me it was damn funny. Later on my mother began to fuss over her Boston terrier puppy and he stated that he hoped in his next life he came back as a Boston puppy so that he might get some of her attention. That's when the laughter gripped me and I had tears rolling down my face. I love when he gets annoyed because his sarcastic wit takes over and he comes up with some real gems. Like the time my childhood best friend asked where my mother was and he said "in my pocket, where she always is!".
He's a character with his Southern accent. Honestly his mother was so much like Miss Daisy it was scarey.
Last night I had quite the panic attack. I have noticed that since I had the heart surgery I don't have such a strong feeling that I might lose consciousness as I used to have. It's still a miserable feeling with the heart racing and the frequent trips to the bathroom, and the oh so dry mouth. I do have ativan for just such ordeals and within about twenty minutes I had some relief. I did wake up my very tired husband for a quick hug. Bless that man, he never complains but only asks what he can do to help me. It's times like this that although I appreciate him on a daily basis, make me realize that in a world of coal I have a diamond. Thank you baby for always, and I mean always, coming through for me.

Living with Fear

I wondered last week if I was experiencing the last few minutes of my life.
I can't remember exactly what I was doing but suddenly a knife type stabbing pain hit my chest and felt like it was my heart. It knocked the wind out of me. There have been times since my heart surgery that I have experienced pain. This one was intense and startled me. I wondered if I should call an ambulance but I knew that was futile.IF the pain were something serious I would have about a minute......After my heart surgery I asked my heart surgeon if there was anything I should be concerned about. His answer gripped me with fear. IF a blood clot should enter my artificial valve (picture a louvered door that is about the size of a fifty sent piece and round made of some metal similar to titanium) it would stop the valve from working. I would be aware because suddenly I would not be able to breathe. I would gasp for about a minute or two and then be dead. My first hours alone after learning this were cause for alarm. I gave so much thought about what those final moments might be like. Would I panic? The other day I realized that two minutes passes quickly. I didn't panic at all. My first thought was for Rob and not myself. That he might come home and find me.
Fear is not something new to me. I have lived with fear since I was 23 years old and diagnosed with cancer. For years they waited for it to return but it never did. My fear then was for my three year old son. Over the years the fear has taken a back seat in my mind. The thing is when someone dies of cancer that I know it reactivates some of the fear. How ironic that one of the few certainties of life causes fear. I don't fear being dead but just the process. I don't want to know it's happening. Fear of the unknown. I want to just stop breathing quietly in my own home and not know when the time comes for the great transformation to the other side. I have read many books about the transition. They say loved ones come to take you. All I know is that when I am gone I hope that people will remember me with the laughter, the fun times and all the smiles. Don't cry because I'm gone, smile because I was here.

Remembering A J-Land Sister.............

Yesterday our beloved friend and fellow blogger Pamela lost her battle with cancer. I was relieved to know that she passed away in her own home. My heart aches for her children whom she was so proud of. They, her mother and sisters will be in my prayers. Pam was dealt a difficult hand. She continued to work as long as she could. She was a fighter right up until the end. She had the right stuff to make us both care for her and respect her. Rest in peace our friend. While your body is gone your spirit lives on in the hearts of all who knew you.

Is there a virus that causes blogging block? hmmmm

Image by Angel

Love is like a precious plant. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it. ~~ John Lennon



It seems that not too many are blogging on a steady basis these days. Granted, there are only so many hours in the day and many of us have family and work obligations that occupy a lot of our time. For me, the work has been a lot but honestly, keeping busy has been what I have needed this week. I had yesterday off but I ran errands most of the day and visited with two neighbors the rest. Rob came home and we sat aside an hour just to enjoy each other's company. That was wonderful. This morning we ran some errands together and had lunch out. An unusual treat for us these days. We came back and I cleaned up the yard from the doggy mines and signed on to read email. Rob finished some yard work.

I fear that my entries have become dull and boring. I find that I am working on automatic pilot much of the time, especially by the time I usually sign on just before lapsing into my sleep coma which runs from 10p.m. until 3 a.m. Those are my best sleeping hours. If I stay up until 11 it doesn't change my 3 a.m. wake up call.

Tomorrow Rob and I will be having Easter dinner alone. While that might sound depressing to some it really isn't. Many years ago I shared all holidays with my family. My sister and her husband were always fighting. My ex refused to go to chuch with me. All holidays were stressful. Tomorrow I will wake up in a bed with a man who has helped me find my inner peace. I will go to church with him, sharing our religious faith. That alone makes the holiday for me. We will give each other small remembrances but most importantly, we will be happy in the here and now. We did receive invitations from friends but it will be nice to have a relaxing day.

My Easter prayer for all of you is that you have a peaceful and relaxing day........shared with a loved one or family. Spring is here, the Earth is renewing itself. I love nature and I am soaking it all in .... like a sponge. :)
Peace be with you.

Moving right along............

Last week and this week have been hectic. I covered for two people last week and I put in my usual hours this week, learning yesterday that I would have to pull a long day today to cover for the woman who just got home from Bermuda. Can we say travel envy? Things went better than I had hoped for, smoothly and being Maundy Thursday it was a rather light day and I was able to do my usual work as well. I took a lunch today and got a delicious chicken Caesar salad and sat outside in the gorgeous air to enjoy it.
I am going through a personal struggle of sorts. For those of you who faithfully read my journal, you might remember the incident over a year ago with my sister. She was very hurtful and told me to get out of my mother's house. We had just returned from the hospital when my father had open heart surgery. My sister has a lot of anger towards my father. He was very generous to his sons but not his two daughters.When I was younger it bothered me too but at this point in my life, having been through what I have, I don't dwell on it. She wanted to confront him prior to his surgery. That is just not my style and I refused to cooperate. Her anger at that just came across in every word she spoke at the hospital that day. She refused to sit by me and kept moving if I moved in her direction. She was rude to my husband, saying he had no right to be there. He was the one who took off work and took my Dad for his pre op testing not her. She was most annoyed when the heart surgeon (who was mine and took my Dad on as a favor to me) came over and spoke with me. I introduced her to him but that didn't matter. Anyway she told me that I was not wanted or needed at my mother's house and that my sister-in-law was sending over dinner for TWO and that I would make three. I had come over with five pounds of shrimp and told her that I didn't need any of their dinner. Finally as my mother stood there in shock I told her that I didn't need that behavior and I got in my car and left. I have not seen her since. I feel that she owes me an apology and she has not apologized, although she has promised my father many times that she would. She came for Christmas and I refused to go over then. She told my mother she would not be coming for every holiday because of how I felt but now two days ago she announced that she is coming for Easter. Everyone in my family is begging me to go but I won't. People don't understand this but when you have heart problems, it's more than just the emotional you deal with. When I get upset it feels as though a fist is squeezing my heart. It is actually painful. Why would I do that to myself? Subject myself to that? IF my sister would apologize I would accept and then attempt to be in her presence. If she can't then who needs to be in her presence? My sister-in-law told me that she admitted to her that she was cranky and deliberately said things to upset me. She told her that she told me to leave. My sister-in-law has been upset by her many times too. At this point in my life I don't want to be around hurtful people. I have paid my dues and received my diploma from the College of Hard Knocks. Now I want love, peace and tranquility. If people don't treat me kindly or decently then I don't need to be in their presence. If it means not seeing someone again during this lifetime then so be it. My mother finds it appalling that I can say that about my own sister. I feel that we chose our emotional family. I spent fifty years doing everything possible for my sister. I never received any thanks. I was woken up early so many days to hear her complaints but when I had open heart surgery she never even called me once to see how I was. Several months later she called wanting to know if she could stay at my house with her boyfriend to attend our nephew's wedding. It's always been like that. Me the big sister giving and her the younger taking. I'm tired of those one way relationships. I'm older and smarter. I want reciprocal relationships. There's a time when relationships become hurtful and it's time to let them go. I've finally been able to do that.....and find some peace.

Fighting some intestinal distress

On Sunday I was experiencing some stomach distress. On Monday it slipped lower into my intestines where it has taken up residence and refuses to leave. I have noticed that my worst bouts of distress where after having a bowl of cereal and later a yogurt. I am starting to wonder if I have lactose intolerance.
Today was my day off again as I am working on Saturday. I spent hours on the phone catching up with people I had neglected to stay in touch with. I followed that up with a trip to the grocery store and Home Depot. Came home and made a lovely dinner of beef stir fry. Rob worked late and then went out to play darts. My day today has felt much too long. I am tired and will be heading off to bed soon.
Thinking today about how many people come and go in our lives. People that we feel fondly for and think that we will never lose touch with them. Then they move away and several years later we think of them. I am trying hard to stay in touch with those people. There doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day but then I think it's because when I have the luxury of time, I waste too much of it. Right now I have dropped off all the tax stuff. My checking account has been reconciled. My house has food in it (pet as well as human). My laundry is done and my bed has clean sheets. All those squares have been checked off. My bills are paid and I have already calculated the distribution of our next paychecks. Life seems to be in order. Instead of enjoying that, I find my mind wanders to all the things that might happen that would throw my plan to waste. I find as I am older that I can roll with those punches more. Life is what happens while we're busy making other plans.
Today I got a surprising phone call from my childhood best friend. Right after I divorced my ex she divored her husband. I met Rob and shortly afterward she met and married her second husband. She has left him and is planning a divorce. It's not that she hasn't tried because she has bent over backwards. She has tried so hard that it has amazed me. I have seen her compromise until I felt her back would break. Now she has done the only reasonable thing and admitted it's futile. She worries about the stigma of being divorced twice. I tell her that it would worry me much more to waste years of my life in misery and hopelessness. I don't take divorce lightly. I wrestled with that issue for years. But there comes a time when a person realizes that ONE person cannot save a dying relationship. It's sad but I've told her that I am here for her. Husbands have come and gone for her, but our friendship is forever. Sometimes I think more people should stop and think of the value of a real friend. The kind who come in when the world walks out. What really fascinates me is that this guy always wanted her to tell him that he was her best friend. I love my husband dearly. He and my son are the most important people in the world to me but I believe that a person needs to have friends in addition to their spouse and children. To make one person your entire universe would put an awful lot of stress on them ,I think. I know that when you truly feel secure in a relationship you don't have to make that person define what they mean to you on a continous basis. I feel so secure with Rob. For the first time in my life I feel I can trust this man. It's a wonderful feeling and I wouldn't take anything for this feeling.

Sunny Sunday

I just got caught up on some blog reading. The time change took place last night and while others feel disoriented I think my body was still on this time from last Fall and the clock is more in synch with me right now. I know that while Duffy was waking up at 6 which was way too early, he will now be waking up at 7 which is my usual time to rise and shine. Duffy is like me. We wake up, we shake ourselves off and we are perky and ready to go. Not so for my significant other. He wakes up and his eyelids refuse to fully open until he has several cups of tea and a warm shower. His family warned me about that but I just laughed. Little did they know that on his visits to my home while he was still living in Rhode Island he woke up to see me dancing around the kitchen to Motown. He learned to deal with it. I have stopped trying to pull him to his feet to join me for a quick spin around the kitchen. Now I scoop up one of the pets to dance with. The cat doesn't mind as much as the dog.
I am loving this weather. Warm sunshine but gentle cool breezes. Yesterday I worked but was home in time to enjoy it. This week I am going to be covering for two women who are vacationing. I will work some extra hours. That's a good thing when you are only working "part time" although some weeks I put in thirty hours. We are invited to a cousin's wedding in Manhattan in July. I am hoping to be able to pull that off. We would want to sleep over because after partying who would want to drive home and public transportation would still mean driving at least part way. I still have some bills that must be paid off before we can entertain that idea.
Well time to go find out what is happening downstairs. It's entirely too quiet.