Surivor's Guilt

I don't know if any of you will have ever heard about this before but there is something that haunts every cancer survivor. It's called survivor's guilt. Every time you know of someone who lost their battle with cancer you feel guilty for having won yours. You feel that there has to be some hidden reason and at times you feel compelled to discover what that reason is. If the person who passes on is younger than you the guilt is stronger. When I initially survived the cancer I felt that it was because I was destined to raise my son. As he got older I feared that he no longer needed me and perhaps God would decide then was the time. When my son was 16 and developed leukemia along with it came his survivor's guilt. I will never forget when my son was hospitalized for months continuously. A young boy just over a year old named Jimmy had been diagnosed with AML (adult leukemia). That is fatal in all but 5% of cases. My son felt guilty because he was fortunate enough to have ALL (childhood leukemia). His guilt increased when Jimmy died. I had to explain to him that it had nothing to do with him. At the same time I was experiencing my own sort of guilt. What put it over the top for me was when a sixteen year old died from Hodgkins disease, the same type of cancer I had had. Even though he was diagnosed early and received excellent treatment, nothing worked. I was sitting in the waiting room of the outpatient clinic when he ran out of the doctor's office screaming. The scream made it obvious that he had received very bad news. His parents were with the doctor and I jumped up and threw my arms around him. I felt faint but I kept a stiff upper lip as far as he could see. It was later when I was alone that I fell apart.
Right now I am again feeling some survivor's guilt. I feel guilty that my son is a grown adult and Pam's children, especially her daughter whom she called "Kissy" in her entries, still need her so.
Once again I look at someone who's life had real substance and I ask "WHY"?
There are no answers. I know the pat answers that are given. They don't seem to bring comfort. When someone whose children still need them leaves it always feels too soon. These are things that I will struggle with as long as I live I suspect.
I only know that it makes me realize how special life is and that I have to appreciate each and every day. I can't afford to waste even one day. None of us knows how long we have but we can control the quality of the life we live. I strive to bring what I can to those who are a part of my life .... and I pray, for understanding and for patience....and for the families that are left behind.