Living with Fear

I wondered last week if I was experiencing the last few minutes of my life.
I can't remember exactly what I was doing but suddenly a knife type stabbing pain hit my chest and felt like it was my heart. It knocked the wind out of me. There have been times since my heart surgery that I have experienced pain. This one was intense and startled me. I wondered if I should call an ambulance but I knew that was futile.IF the pain were something serious I would have about a minute......After my heart surgery I asked my heart surgeon if there was anything I should be concerned about. His answer gripped me with fear. IF a blood clot should enter my artificial valve (picture a louvered door that is about the size of a fifty sent piece and round made of some metal similar to titanium) it would stop the valve from working. I would be aware because suddenly I would not be able to breathe. I would gasp for about a minute or two and then be dead. My first hours alone after learning this were cause for alarm. I gave so much thought about what those final moments might be like. Would I panic? The other day I realized that two minutes passes quickly. I didn't panic at all. My first thought was for Rob and not myself. That he might come home and find me.
Fear is not something new to me. I have lived with fear since I was 23 years old and diagnosed with cancer. For years they waited for it to return but it never did. My fear then was for my three year old son. Over the years the fear has taken a back seat in my mind. The thing is when someone dies of cancer that I know it reactivates some of the fear. How ironic that one of the few certainties of life causes fear. I don't fear being dead but just the process. I don't want to know it's happening. Fear of the unknown. I want to just stop breathing quietly in my own home and not know when the time comes for the great transformation to the other side. I have read many books about the transition. They say loved ones come to take you. All I know is that when I am gone I hope that people will remember me with the laughter, the fun times and all the smiles. Don't cry because I'm gone, smile because I was here.