Saturday, July 01, 2006

A Million Little Thoughts..............



this is a year ago...........
and this is now...........
they have reversed roles as who is the big brother.......
Today the cat was on his way to make a quick break outside of the fence (he's front declawed and I don't let him run wild) and his brother followed his herding instincts and held him there until I could get there to pick him up and return him to safety.

In my previous entry I talked about a coworker who took his own life. It has been a spirit of grief and sadness at the office. Our owner brought in a grief counsellor who heads a suicide prevention group. It was helpful to listen to her. She told us that noone was to blame. Of course in your head you know this but I think all who knew him keep asking ourselves if there might have been some small thing that might have made a difference. I understand that he had written a goodbye letter which the police took from his home. His wife has yet to receive it back and has no idea what it says. I found it odd that she said had she been offered the opportunity to read it that night she would have declined. His wife is unusual. She says although she does not understand who is she TO understand. She seems to be a lot more capable of logical reasoning than some of the rest of us. I think this has had an impact on the rest of us. We are being supportive of each other and I think seeing a vulnerability in your coworkers helps you to bond with them. There has been good that has come out of this tragedy. I do find myself feeling very emotional and in the office I try to keep that under control. When I see anything with his name on it my eyes well up with tears but I compose myself.

The woman who came to speak to us had a very professional, well respected son who took his own life. She spoke about what that was like for her. It's been many years and she still doesn't understand fully but has gained much understanding. Often a suicide coincides with depression. That is why it's so important if you see someone depressed to try to help them. This made me do a lot of soul searching. About seven years ago I was battling a depression. I feel (and was told by a professional) that it was being caused by my lack of support and verbal demeaning I was receiving from my ex spouse. The depression was worsening and there came a time where I thought about what it might be like to end it all. I found that for about two weeks I thought of little else. While doing this I stopped functioning on most levels. One day I knew that I had come to a fork in the road. I had to either do it OR get some professional help to pull myself out of what was happening. I made the decision to get help. I was fortunate in knowing two people who had used an excellent doctor. He helped me more than I could ever describe. He assured me that things would get better once I took control back of my life. He helped me find the tools to do that. I am not embarassed that I needed his help. I am grateful for it and I highly recommend that type of help to anyone who struggles on their own. I set my course that day. I took baby steps at first but now I am back on track. I have the life that I dreamed I might have so many years ago. No one's life is perfect. I have some financial and health concerns. The difference is now that I know I will be okay. I know that I am a survivor (of many things).

I am not what I was told I was. I was manipulated for many years but that is over.
Now I am me. I am not the brightest but I'm bright enough. I'm not the prettiest but I'm pretty enough. I AM competent. Although I once perceived myself as weak, logic tells me that I am strong to have turned my life around. Still, I am weak enough to have compassion and identify with others. I finally know that I AM ok. Knowing that allows me to know that so are others. I'm in a good place. Hope you are too.

3 comments:

jennifer said...

Nelle, I'm so sorry for the loss of your colleague. We had a beloved colleague die a couple of years ago (after a brief illness) and it affected us like a loss in the family, even though it wasn't.

So the pupper is a herder after all, eh? Good boy, Duff. But considering the kitty has seniority, I hope Duff knows who's boss. LOL And yes, place an order for the sticks. Poor starving boy... And get one for the poor starving cat too! :D

Cynthia said...

My thoughts are with you all.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.