Sunday Pleasures

*My father in Feb 08....before his stroke
this is HIS recliner...only he sits in it. (The table next to it hides his snacks.)
Is is covered in a zebra striped blanket that is now on his rehab bed.
Thankfully it is not REAL zebra! A man and his dog.

Today is Sunday. Oh how I love Sundays. I woke up at 6 a.m. and wanted to go back to sleep. A panting Sheltie named Duffy made that impossible. Thinking would it be cruel to shave a dog that looks like a Collie just for the summer so I can sleep in on weekends? I'll get back to that. I jumped downstairs and had my first cup of coffee. I then ran upstairs and logged into Yoville. For any of you who are not on Yoville if you have a Facebook page you can make a Yoville character. On my blog is an email link. Shoot me an email and I will explain how to do it if you are interested. I can always use another member for my Yoville crew at the factory. Thing is you get coins for clocking in at the factory and then you shop and decorate. What could be more fun? If only REAL life were this simple. But I digress.....after getting dressed I went for a really long walk. I have needed to start walking again lately. I have been tired, stressed etc. but today I used some self discipline and just did it. I came home and made myself a breakfast sandwich of turkey bacon, eggbeaters and fresh tomato. Yumm. I then jumped in the car and arrived at the rehab/nursing home before 8:30 for a two hour visit with my Dad. He was sitting at a table sleeping when I walked in with his breakfast tray untouched. I woke him up and watched as he ate. Afterwards I asked if he wanted a tour of the grounds and he said "yes" so I pushed his wheelchair outdoors to the lovely grounds. He seemed very pleased and then he began to use words he had not said in several weeks. I was overjoyed. At one point I actually began to cry. He said "your car". Yes, I came here in my car. Then he pointed to himself and said "your car." "You want to go in my car?" I asked . "YES." I explained that his house is being fitted with a handicapped ramp, a widened sidewalk and the carpeting was removed and Pergo installed for him to get around easily in the wheelchair. He began to talk about things he kept stressing "IMPORTANT...listen". Much of what he said was not understandable but when I asked later where I should push him he said "the car....ROAD". He was much more alert and responsive and it was a great visit. I left there and stopped at CVS, practically next door and purchased things that had been on a list for about a month (hair dye, nail files, shaving cream etc.) I then ran into the grocery store and picked up some items. I arrived home and it was only 11:30. I felt like I had already accomplished a day's worth and I was feeling good. I then treated myself to a pedicure. After that I came home and have been relaxing on the computer. Today, life is really good. It's been the best day I have had in a long time.


My husband starts a new job on Wednesday. He will get benefits immediately which means I will be able to take him off mine, which while good, are a bit expensive. Since I am paying back the bens I had while out on disability that will really help. Things are starting to look good. My yard is freshly mowed. I am defrosting thick burgers for the grill and also making fresh corn on the cob. I still have several hours left of my weekend and I am reading a good book I will have time to read some more in. It's MERCY by Jodi Picoult. Maybe some of you have read it.


Today I feel grateful. For a new job for Rob, for freshly manicured feet with bright summer pink polish, for my own home and yard and for some quality time with my Dad. At CVS I looked at Father's Day cards and I began to cry.


I am hoping he will be with us that day, I believe that he will right now. At this point I have to be happy for moments and I am.
OH! Yesterday I called my grandmother (remember she is 96 and has advanced breast cancer which has now spread) she was singing. YES singing! She was telling me she was thinking about what a wonderful life she has lead. She will soon see her maker and she is happy to be with her loved ones who are waiting for her. She insisted I sing with her. Have you ever tried to sing while crying? I was overjoyed that with all she is facing (and with my mother not being able to go be with her) she was enjoying herself. She told me never to be discouraged because there is a silver lining to every cloud. She inspired ME. What a gift she has, unconditional love and support for her family, no matter what. Am I blessed.

My Saturday Mantra: Serenity Now!

It has been a long and difficult week. The social worker at the rehab feels that my sister and I should bring my mother to certain realizations that my mother cannot, or refuses, to face. My aunt has said that I should not be put in this situation. At this point when I told my mother she got furious and hung up on me, that was Thursday night and I have not heard from her since. I have spoken with two of my brothers who have basically said to let her do what she wants. They point out it is her decision. Yes, it is and I know that but if she does not comply without the social worker's suggestions she is going to alert authorities and there will be more complications to deal with. My mother has never made important decisions, my father always made them. I pointed that out to him the last time they redid their wills that she had never handled money. I am convinced he thought he would outlive her and that he would never be at the mercy of her making decisions like this for him. I don't want to keep beating this subject to death. Unfortunately, it is at the forefront of my thoughts.
As though that were not enough, took my car to the dealer for an oil change. Once there they advised me that my water pump in my 2 year old car was leaking. It is covered under warranty but now my car will be in the shop all morning and that meant a ride home and a ride back to get it. I know I should probably be grateful it's under warranty.

A few entries ago I stated that I was only allowed four absences a year.at work. YES, that is for everything except; grievance days approved, emergency room care or previously approved days off. For someone like me with health issues, that is going to be very tough. The previous policy was a day off per MONTH. If you have a doctor's note three consecutive days off for one illness would count as one. I find if I am not sick enough to stay in bed all day then I am going to work. I have gone with a bad headache, stomach ache or intestinal distress. On Friday a coworker told me he had gone to a doctor Thursday night and tested positive for strep. You are contagious for 24 hours when first on antibiotics but he wasn't willing to take the day off. (I was probably exposed the previous day as well come to think of it. ) I am praying I don't get it. Policies that are so rigid often mean people who are sick are at work getting coworkers sick. I cannot afford to be sick.
I have plenty to do today. There is always so much to do on weekends. I am committed to finding time for myself. Something I have not done in far too long. I am on overload and I need to have some time to read and relax. Wish me luck.

Is the day half off or half full?

Today was one of those days we were offered to leave early without pay. Since I have not done that in two weeks I decided to work half a day. Things were going peachy when I learned that the company will be deducting my benefit premiums from when I was out on disability for two months. I had actually had about three hundred deducted from my last check going out and first check back. I still owe nearly six hundred dollars. I didn't know I would owe this and had to decide how much I could spare from each check. It really surprised me but what can I do but have my paycheck lowered for the next six months. My husband was offered a job, not a temp job, but a permanent job by a growing company. He gets benefits immeditely which means I can remove him from mine and probably save money there.
I took advantage of the time off to get my blood test which was a few weeks overdue. Then I went to the rehab to see my father. He was really a mess. He had fed himself and his pants looked like modern art. He even had dried food on his nose! I cleaned him up and visited him for several hours. His dinner came and I let him feed himself while the social worker came to talk with me. Talk about an uncomfortable situation. My mother is insisting that we bring him home. In preparation for this, she has widened the sidewalk and installed a ramp going up the deck which leads into the apartment attached to her house. The main part of her house has four bedrooms but they are all upstairs. He will not be able to get through the apartment door into the main house but the apartment has it's own bathroom, spacey bedroom, living room, dining area and full kitchen. Today she had Pergo flooring installed in it so the wheelchair can move easily as the old carpet was very thick and quite worn. The social worker has told her that she needs someone there 24/7. My mother is in denial about how much care he is going to need. I could sleep there but I could not be woken up throughout the night and be able to go to work and function. Neither could my husband. My parents have the money but my mother is reluctant to commit to nurses or round the clock care. The social worker feels that my sister and I should be able to be the voice of reason with her. It's so difficult to try to tell a parent to do something when they are in denial.
Well a friend just called to chat (actually tell me HER problems). I am going to go now and then go on Yoville.

A Good May Evaluation

Yesterday I got my May evaluation and I had a great job. Excellent was the word I got. That made me so happy. I did have an episode where I had not eaten enough and my sugar plummetted. It was made worse by being stuck on a phone call making my break half an hour late. Unavoidable things like that happen.

When we got home our neighbors came over and we enjoying a few glasses of wine and exchanging some child rearing tips and stories. They have a teenager and things are going a bit rough. I am certainly happy not to have an adolescent now with all the things they can get themselves into trouble with. Her daughter is very mature looking and very attractive and this spells trouble for a Mom who had to remove some features from her girl's phone yesterday. She noticed her daughter was deleting sent messages and found a few pics she had taken of herself that were a bit much for someone young (or older for that matter.)

Well Monday is over. Everyone was in a great mood at work yesterday and I am hoping for more of the same today.
Mosquitoes here are horrible. My yard borders a "wetlands" woods and OMG. Last night we had to come in. Even spray would not deter them.
Somedays I feel like high school. My first thoughts in the morning are'"What should I wear today?" To think I thought when school ended it would never be a big deal again. HA!
Happy Tuesday. I am trying to think of something to be grateful for each day this month. On Sunday for the first time my father was able to use his LEFT hand (he was right handed but that arm barely moves) to feed himself. He did a great job! On top of that we sat at a table with some new residents at the rehab and this woman May told my mother how fortunate she was to have two such caring and attentive daughters. She said she thought my father had such wonderful support and received so much caring. That did my heart good. Not that I need to hear that but thinking that my father may be thinking the same thing OR hearing others say that. He did smile at me several times and when I kissed him goodbye he grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard.

Sunday Morning

Yesterday I did manage to get a lot done. I woke up early. Several of our neighbors were having a yard sale. I really didn't have anythingto sell but Rob had some games so he set up a table outside. I drove about 45 minutes to the closest Costco and did a major shopping. It took me over an hour to shop but I came home with a trunk full. That will make it so much easier than our recent system of picking up a few things at a time. We were spending so much money buying extra things that way. I now have a freezer full of meat and other food and a fridge full of fresh veggies and items for snacks. It's amazing how good some of the buys there are. I got a box of 36 ice cream treats for about $14.00. These were not for me though. I bought them as a pick me up gift for my mother. She was thrilled. She was saying yesterday that she really needs to get rid of the food she has in the freezer. Yesterday she made appetizers of tiny pieces of filet mignon wrapped in bacon. My sister made a cream cheese covered in a pepper type relish from Harry & David's over crackers. We didn't even want dinner when we got home.
My neighbor and friend called me last night saying they missed seeing me so much. I am rarely home these days other than at bedtime. I promised her that I would find time to spend with her today. There just aren't enough hours in the day anymore. In addition to working full time and visiting my Dad, it is a job to keep the prescriptions filled and doctors appointments made and kept. At work I am required to ask for time off about a month in advance. They just changed our attendance policy and now we can only miss four unscheduled days in a YEAR. Since it used to be nearly one day per month this is a major change. I get sick several times a year and don't know how I will manage to deal with such a strict policy.
I hope I have a laid back day today. The weekends go so fast.

Exhausted

Another day where I have woken up at 4:30 and could not go back to sleep. I am exhausted and my day at work has not yet begun. ~~~~~~~~~
Some two weeks ago my mother went for a mammogram and some tests. When the doctors told her that they would contact her and didn't within a few days, I knew everything was fine. I have dealt with these doctors for years. My sister got upset at me for telling my mother not to worry that things were fine. My mother had crying spells and would not accept things were alright.(She used to get so frustrated at her mother for doing this same thing.) Yesterday she got a phone call confirming that everything was fine. Of course, this past weekend she was in a state and I spent much of my time going to the nursing home in her place. I realize that I cannot continue at this pace. I must work. We count on my benefits and my paycheck. While I want to help out I am getting entirely too stressed.
There are other things going on that are very stressful. A temp agency sent my husband for a job and then a few days later it seems the company has decided not to offer this position. In this country right now some companies are using temp agencies to fill what would have been permanent jobs. They can tell people it will lead to something permanent so the potential employee will work harder, perhaps travel further, and accept less pay in the beginning. Many people have told us that these are only positions where they are looking for someone to work a couple of days. How unfair. In this economy, I find this particularly cruel. The two days of travel expenses means that having worked two days which gets deducted from unemployment and counting in travel expenses it will have cost us money for him to work those days. The hours were not good, it was second shift and he didn't get home until nearly midnight. I do not think it was a coincidence that they needed him to start immediately and it was a holiday weekend.

Sometimes at my job they offer for people to leave early without pay. I have been very good about not taking more than a couple hours per paycheck. If it is offered today I think I will do this for myself. I need it.

Happy Memorial Day

Today is a smorgasbord of emotion for me. As a teen I was too young to be a real hippie, and my parents kept stepping on my attempts at freedom. Like when an older girl I knew had tickets to Woodstock and got to go. Well, her parents named her Violet and they were really free spirits, unlike my Dad who declared that if I ever went to a hippie lovefest he would be waiting for me with weapons of mass destruction when I returned. Okay, keeping it real, there were no such terms as weapons of mass destruction back then, but you get the idea. There were honestly threats of bodily harm. REAL threats. My brother lucked out missing the Viet Nam draft because of a lottery and his birthday came in near the end of the list. I was so grateful. Many guys I did know went to Viet Nam and most of them were changed when they returned. My father was in the Navy (retired and then went on to a great career using his Navy training as a diver to become a hyperbaric chamber specialist) and very proud of his service. When my father was proud of something anyone around him knew it.
Today we will go see him. His eyes are becoming a bit more empty all the time. His words are limited to yes, no and okay. He tries to speak but cannot which frustrates him still. He is slipping away constantly and it is so damn hard to watch. We still go and hope that although he cannot really communicate, he can hear us and understand that we are doing all we can for him. He has had a good life. As an only child he wanted a large family and when he found he had five kids and mulitple teens at once I think he felt he had bitten off more than he could chew. He was a strict disciplinarian. We hated that about him. He always knew best and if you didn't agree then it showed you were lacking judgement. He was headstrong. Once in a great while he will stomp his foot to let you know he means NO. I know what is coming and I know I must get through it but I wish it weren't so damn hard.

Have I mentioned I live for weekends?

I am so happy that I will have three days off work. My dear friend, Susan, did an article asking what are you grateful for? and it really got me thinking. Sometimes I get frustrated with people because I have met and known many very ungrateful people. From the time I was a young child I was very appreciative.
Right now I am so grateful that my husband began a new job last night. In all honesty, the hours were not what he hoped for and it's a little further to commute to then we had hoped for but that does not diminish our joy that he got a job after four months of looking. This was the first job that offered what he made previously. He really likes the place too and the other employees. I am grateful that while he was out of work and I was adjusting to the diagnosis of diabetes he was here to chaffeur me to doctor visits and help me plan meals and get adjusted to the all the medicine and changes it brought. Rob is a NICE GUY. I am grateful for that.
I am grateful that I am still employed while so many have lost their jobs. My company is much quicker to terminate employess that are not living up to what is expected of them these days. I am working harder but things are going well.
I am grateful that through the past month with my Dad's sudden and devastating physical problems that I have come a little closer to my sister. For the first time in my life the other night my mother said she loved me. My mother is very guarded with her emotions and it nearly floored me. Seeing your parents who were strong in their hours of need and weakness is rough. I am glad for all the moments I had with my father after the first stroke when he could still communicate with me. I felt a lot of forgiveness towards things that I had carried for years. I am so grateful for that.
I am grateful for each day that I have to live. People take that for granted but anyone who has ever been a cancer patient knows the value of another day. I love life. Even on the dreary days and the days that I feel my heart will break.
Please take a few moments and ask yourself what you are grateful for.
If you are someone who takes their time to read my posts, please know that I think of you as a friend and I am grateful for you also.
THREE DAY WEEKENDS: you make my heart sing!

Beautiful and Sunny Today

Today the weather was glorious. There was a chill in the breeze. I sat on my patio and watched the blooms of my clematis vine and another vine whose name escapes me. The purple iris my grandmother gave me are blooming after my wait of nearly two years. I had some beautiful moments soaking in the sunshine and the beauty of the yard. Today I didn't go to the rehab/nursing home. I gave myself a day off. Yesterday was really difficult. My father didn't want to be bothered by anyone and he slipped down in the wheelchair trying to sleep. We took him out to the gazebo and in the courtyard to enjoy the fresh air but nothing could interest him. Tomorrow I will try to observe something interesting at work that will amuse him. He loves my tales, the more I embellish the more he enjoys it. I do get an occassional smile from him. They are golden. My sister came for another weekend. I feel so badly for her driving four hours each way and then to see him like this. She is not sleeping well. She has a very close friend she spends time with when here and he seems to be helping her. My mother said yesterday that we are all hurting and it's so hard when we are all hurting not to tread on anyone else. Certain people in the family want to tell my mother what to do and my sister and I are telling her that she must do what is right for HER and not anyone else. She is sticking to her guns and I am proud of her for that.
I went clothes shopping today. The first time in a very long time, honestly. Don't look at me like that.......I mean it. I bought a white cardigan, stylish with 3/4 sleeves perfect to wear over the black and white top that ties at the shoulder because my workplace is always FREEZING in the summer. That and black pants will be perfect and I even have some wonderful shoes that are black leather with white stitching on them. I also got some nice slacks that are capri length with cuffs and buttons. I have to have clothes for work. I am down 18 lbs. and my old pants were really too big. I am not buying a lot because I hope to lose more weight by July 1st. I heart TJ Maxx because I can get Jones NY or Liz Clairborne but pay prices that are half or less. Most of the young ladies that I work with wear things that are very stylish but I would not be comfortable wearing. They are all wearing plaid right now. I hated plaid the first time it was stylish. It's just not me.
Well time to go to bed. The weekend draws to an end and work again tomorrow. My job is going so much better for me than it was a few months ago. The situation hasn't changed much, but my attitude has. I am trying hard not to sweat the small stuff. Learning daily that it's basically all small stuff in the grand scheme of life. Sometimes we have to swallow the bitter pill and move on.
Wishing you all a good week. Take time to stop and smell the flowers.

A Shadow of a Man

I am still here. Going to work each day. Leaving a few hours early some days to be with my mother at the nursing home. Knowing that I am losing my father and my grandmother at the same time. Trying to show them both all the love and support I can. My Dad is slipping more and more away each day. It is sad to see the strong person he was unable to shift his weight or sit upright at times.
I cannot dwell on that. It's about what can be done to make his life a little better right now. We had hoped to bring him home with hospice but right now he is not strong enough to be home without 24/7 medical care. At times like this I cling to my faith. I had bad times. I cry easily but life goes on. Each day I try to find something positive to cling to.
This situation has brought my sister and I much closer. I have been able to spend several weekends with her as we both watch my father and comfort my mother. There is always a silver lining.
For two nights in a row my neighbor Stacey has brought dinner over for us.
I can't tell you how much that meant. It was feeding my spirit as much as my body, although the lasagna was delicious.
Words fail me. It is the best of times (when I am feeling the love). It is the worst of times (feeling the sorrow that is to come).
I am reminded of a scripture from the book of Job in the Bible.
The Lord giveth
The Lord taketh away
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
I am trusting that God hears our prayers and will get us through this.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

my sister Dottie and I on Mother's Day!


I want to wish all the mothers a Happy Mothers Day. I think of all the moms, like one of my cousins, who are estranged from their children. Today is a bittersweet reminder of that. As I told her, it is my hope that as these children become more mature, perhaps they will reenter her life. I also think of the mothers that have lost a child today. So devastating for them and I know so many from when my son was ill. For those mothers I offer up prayers today.

Dad was moved yesterday back to the nursing home/rehab center. There will be nothing further done for him other than to keep him comfortable and he will continue to receive the rehab he was before. This is to give him the best quality of life possible. He is much quieter than he was. His speech is more impaired and his voice is weak. His heart rate fluctuates and yesterday was stronger but he slept much of the day. I am only going to put general updates here. To be honest, we don't know how long he has. We were told he was very unlikely to survive another stroke and since he has had two in a two week period already, they expect he will have another. All we can do is visit him and show support. At times it isn't easy because it seems we are watching slip slowly away. I keep reminding myself this is the circle of life and he has had 85 years, a good life.

My husband, sister and I are taking my mother out for brunch. She is a Sunday School Superintendent at her church. I think she will be giving that up in the near future. After that is over we will pick her up and go try to celebrate Mother's Day. I keep trying to let her know that no matter what, life goes on. Until recently, my mother didn't even write checks to pay bills. Now she has been dealing with choices that mean life or death. She is leaning a lot on us and that's okay. She has her own health issues. For years my parents ate a terrible diet which was fat laden. My father's carotid artery is almost completely blocked. I think this is a wake up call for all of the family. I know, although I have watched my diet in the past, I will be more diligent now.

It is a beautiful sunny day, 70 degrees will be the high. After the many rainy days and the humidity of yesterday, it makes my heart sing. Although I feel moments of despair, I have learned that life is to be treasured. Even the bad times are moments in which we can learn. I choose to focus on what good can be found in this and the moments that we are spending with him, knowing they are limited.

The Waiting Game

Yesterday I got a phone call at work to ask my opinion (all five of us kids were polled) about putting a pacemaker in my father. My cardiologist who he used as well told us that while it would prolong his heart he has suffered two strokes and now has considerable weakness in his right side, a part of his brain with no activity and his speech is very imparied. Hope of recovery is slim to none. He probably wouldn't survive the surgery. We made the decision not for him to have it and I was relieved that we all felt this way. We made some other decisions that I know were right, but still were painful to make. At this point he is in heart failure. All we can do is keep him comfortable. He wants to come home and has since the first stroke. IF we can do it, we are going to bring him home. My mother fell apart last night. My sister and I and my youngest brother were there to put her back together.
There is not much more to say. I am on an emotional roller coaster. There are people who all want to control the ride. My father has no idea what is going on. He perhaps is the lucky one right now. I have a vacation day today. The sun is out after several days of rain.

Weary Wednesday

When I got up this morning I was tired and was reluctant to go to work but I did. When I arrived my computer was not working and I had to borrow a coworkers to log in for the day. I then used another coworker's computer all day. It didn't have my links in it and there were several snags, including the tiny font when I have mine the largest it can be. They offered for some of us to leave early without pay and I put in to leave two hours early thinking I could get to the hospital and have my monthly blood test. I arrived and it was quickly done. As I left the hospital I called my mother and invited her to dinner telling her I would go to the rehab with her afterwards. A few short minutes later she called back saying they had taken my father to the ER of the hospital I had just left. His heartbeat was weak and he was unresponsive. I turned my car around and in about seven minutes I was running into the ER. They sent me back to the acute care part and told me he was in room 3. When I arrived I saw a bag with his clothes in it and he was not in the room. My heart began to pound when I found a nurse and she told me that HIS nurse accompanied him for a CT scan. I have never heard of a nurse staying with a patient for a radiology test. After about half an hour, his wonderful nurse, Charlotte and he came back. One glance told me he had suffered another stroke, seemingly worse than the first. He cannot say more than yes or no now. His voice is incredibly weak and for the first three hours his heart rate was about 35. I was very concerned. They did determine he had another stroke and slowly his heart rate went up to about 60 by the time we left. It is nearly 11 and I am exhausted, mentally and physically. Unless there is a dramatic improvement I don't see that he will able to return home. Tonight I prayed that he would get a lot better or that he would go to sleep and not wake up again. I don't want him to suffer and I know that he would never want a life without quality. I am hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. This kind of thought pattern has gotten me through some bad times before. I don't know how I will make it through two more work days this week but I must.

Sunday...or Serenity Now

James and Lucy.....

I am a big Seinfeld fan. I have seen each episode dozens of times and I can still relate so many life experiences to the episodes. My Dad talks about himself in the third person now. He has no pronouns other than he. Everything is male. When he is asked a question about himself his answer is in the third person.
What is your name? "His name is James." At times the humor of this really hits me because of an episode where George meets Jimmy who has invented these special shoes that can jump so high. Jimmy ONLY speaks in the third person and George finds this annoying and then begins to immitate it. "George doesn't like this." I find by seeing the humor, it makes things a lot easier. Yesterday my mother and I took their Boston Terrier, Lucy to see Dad. It was comical and I did take some pics which are in my phone. Dad insists Lucy is a foal (doesn't seem to have the word dog) , she is a HE (as is everything else) and the day before he had renamed her Kelly. Today he called her my name, but then later changed to Lucy. She knew him right away which thrilled him but then she didn't want to sit on his lap in the wheelchair for very long. It was a busy day and Rob took Lucy to PetSmart to get her a harness to make the visits easier. The collar seemed to be choking her. Rob then came home and prepared his sausage and pepper pasta which is so good. My sister insisted she couldn't eat anything that was not light so my mother and sister didn't stay although my mother wanted to. They went back to the nursing home but I vegged in front of the tv. I have a problem sleeping and have been waking up at four or five a.m. on weekends when I could be sleeping in. It's frustrating. The upside is I get a few hours of quiet to myself. (I am being followed around by a panting Sheltie which does sometimes interfere with the zen experience.)
Yesterday morning I had to go to the doctor. I noticed a rash like band around the bottom of my left leg. Between parts it looked a bit like cellulitis. The doctor thought it was a contact dermatitis but because of my other issues, she was concerned and had another doctor check it out as well. They gave me steroid cream and sent me home with strict instructions that if it starts moving up my leg to go to the ER. Luckily, this has not happened. Cause Nelle is sick of being at hospitals, as a patient and a visitor. He really is. He may need professional help. LOL George would say "Serenity now!"
I am hoping to have a VERY leisurely day today. That does mean popping over to see Dad. Taking him the soft peppermint candies he loves. Seeing if I can get the photos into the computer and perhaps print one to take him for his room there. He has a long way to go but I think he has made remarkable progress in just one week. Patience IS a virtue. I am still learning to be patient but when faced with these situations it has to be one day at a time.

Thursday whew when I can say tomorrow "TGIF!"

This week has been a rough one. I took off early one day to go to the hospital so my mother could go to the emergency room and get her ankle taken care of. My grandmother who has been struggling with pain was admitted to the hospital too. She knew awhile ago (not sure we will ever know just how long) that she had breast cancer. She opted not to have treatment and they told her at her age it would progress slowly because she is now 96 and has little estrogen left. About a month ago she was in some serious pain and they did x rays and a CT scan which showed nothing. They admitted her to the hospital and the MRI showed THREE breaks in different vertebrae. They injected something which greatly helped her pain and sent her home with hospice. Hearing that made my heart ache. She has had a wonderful life and we have had her so long...it's not losing her it's that I don't want her to suffer. My mother doesn't really want to know in detail what is happening. She is on overload and compartmentalizing things.
My father has made some progress but there is still concern if he can make enough progress to come home in another three weeks. Their insurance will cover his stay until then. After that my mother will be responsible for paying until she uses all but 40K of assets. She can keep the home she lives in as well. We keep telling her not to worry about that NOW. One day at a time. He understands he is in rehab and he is very worried that he can think but communication is difficult. His right arm swings around but cannot do anything else. For anyone who has been through this I need not explain and for those who have never seen someone who had a stroke, it's hard to imagination how much it takes from someone.
My sister is coming again this weekend. She is a big help. My mother needs a tremendous amount of support right now. It's hard for me to deal with my job, my health issues, my financial issues and trying to get claims processed correctly. I need a break but if my father comes home, not sure I will have one for a very long time. Still, I hope he can overcome the hurdle and make it back home. We are willing to do all we can to get him there.
Now time for some online gaming and a few minutes to myself.

Brief Update

Today was another long day which began at 5:30 a.m. It is very hot in NJ this weekend, another day with temps in the 90s. AC is on keeping us sane right now. I went and saw my father around dinner time. We make sure someone is there for meals as he needs a lot of help. He is right handed and his poor arm does nothing but hang. It falls off his wheelchair and he catches it and it is bruised beyond imagination. They have wrapped his arms in a sock like covering to try to protect them. When his arm falls down he asks one of us to pick it up. Watching him eat is so painful. He tries awkwardly to pick things up with his left hand. He cannot hold a utensil and tries to put his mouth to the plate and we keep reminding him to use his hands for food that he can pick up and we feed him the rest. He tries to speak and he is frustrated beyond description. We try so hard to piece together words we can understand but the aphasia makes it nearly impossible. My son came in (I was so proud of him, he had gotten a wonderful haircut and was dressed so nicely and he looked so handsome) and my Dad was thrilled to see him. When he went to leave he told him what a great guy he was and that he loved him. He insisted on shaking hands with him and when he held out his right hand my heart sank. I whispered for him to be very careful.
My mother is struggling emotionally and doesn't think she can handle this. I told her we are not really given choices about these things and that while it might not be easy she would have to toughen up a bit, at least when he could observe her emotions. His physical therapy begins tomorrow and I am hoping it will go well.
My grandmother who has been in pain and crying for weeks has been hospitalized. They discovered she has vertibrae issues which were missed on several CT scans. Today that did an MRI which showed that two are crushed. They are going to try to inject something between them but she is so happy that her pain is being controlled. It was wonderful to hear her so much better.
I am exhausted and heading for bed and knowing I have a work week ahead of me. Not sure if I will get on to post as I will be getting home at 6, having dinner, going to the rehab/conva center and then back home and bed. Hoping I can sleep well tonight and function tomorrow. One day at a time.

Saturday and Sleepless

Yesterday was a grueling test of patience. My mother called in the morning to say that the hospital wanted to release my father. They wanted him to go to a rehab facility for four weeks. After that time he will need surgery done on his carotid artery which is 80% obstructed. That is what caused this stroke and will cause another, possibly more serious, stroke. I say that tongue in cheek. My mother, the one communicating with the doctors, does not understand medical lingo and she forgets what they tell her. I think she is in denial and yesterday she almost fell apart. I doubt she can be my father's voice in this. She doesn't want to make decisions and be responsible but someone must.

I went to work yesterday but left early at 2:30. I have left early three days this week which will be without pay for those hours. I went to my mother's house and my sister and I were just ready to put some dinner on the table when the phone rang. A nurse said my father was being combative and they were going to send him back to the hospital. We asked her to wait and we would be there as soon as possible.I went with my mother and my sister, who came down from upstate New York just that morning, to the rehab center they had just moved my father too. He was very agitated. I had wondered if he would be alright taken in the ambulance by himself. I feared he would think he had been tricked into being put into a nursing home. I believe that is what happened. His aphasia is so bad that he has great difficulty communicating. He clenches his fists and sometimes screams out of frustration. He told me that the men could not be trusted. He couldn't really elaborate on that but he had refused any meds, to have his vitals taken or to eat. When I began to explain the situation to him, calmly, he began to yell at me and tell me and the others to leave. He kept saying he wanted to go home. The charge nurse came over and said she was having him transported back to the hospital. We tried to get them to give us more time but they called the ambulance and back we went. At the ER the doctor said it was ridiculous to have sent him back. He called the rehab and said that they needed to accept him. Then another ambulance came to transport him back. By now it was after ten p.m. Since my mother had my sister and by now my brother had arrived I headed home. Not sure what tomorrow will bring. One interesting thing: when he was back in the ER my father and I were alone for a few minutes. I looked down at him, he seemed so small, the man who was always bigger than life. He looked so frightened and helpless and it broke my heart. I hugged him and told him I loved him but he could tell I was so choked up. He looked at me and clearly said "Nelle, it's not that bad honey." Then he went back to rambling about things that made no sense. I did observe that he speaks of himself in the third person. He never says I or me but he says "the man" or "he". When the nurse asked him if he knew his name he said
"His name is James." I keep thinking if we can break more of his language code we will all be less frustrated. It's just so sad to watch this. I fear a lot of him was lost in all this.
It's only 7 a.m. and I need to pay bills now and figure out finances. I have accepted that the car payments will never be paid by that company. Right now I have so much on my plate I don't know where to begin and I am ever mindful that my health must be my number one concern.

PLEASE WATCH THIS VIDEO ABOUT BONE MARROW REGISTRY
if you are between 18 and 60 you could save some one's life!

Cripey I'm on Overload

I went back to work for an entire week this week. I got home on Monday evening and had dinner. (Rob and I have an agreement that we don't give each other bad news until AFTER dinner.) He then told me they had just taken my Dad in an ambulance to the ER after he collapsed. For those of you who don't read my blog last Easter my father had a huge cancerous tumor removed from his liver. A few months later he had three grand mal seizures in one day and his heart stopped but was revived in the ambulance. He has been hospitalized eight times in the last year, several with pneumonia as he has COPD. This time it appears he has had a stroke. Yesterday (Tuesday) I left work a few hours early and went directly to the hospital hoping to spend some time with him. I arrived at 4 p.m. and sat in his empty room for over two hours while he was having CT scans. My mother was downstairs with him. When they arrived upstairs his dinner was waiting. He struggled terribly and couldn't handle utensils so decided he could feed himself using the lid of a covered cup. He seemed embarassed at us watching him and shooed us off to get something to eat. The cafe there had nothing I could have but my mother had a salad. When we got back he was very agitated. He has aphasia and struggles trying to convey any thoughts he has which seem very random. We stayed awhile then I came home so emotionally drained I crawled into bed at 9 p.m. and slept until 7 this morning. I went back to work and learned at lunch hour they are going to have to put stents in his carotid arteries. They are uncertain how much damage is permanent but he will have to go to rehab before coming home. I am not sure my mother will be able to handle him at home unless there is more improvement. I came home a few hours early again and made another painful call to MONUMENTAL, the insurance company who still has not paid one cent of my car payments. They have decided now to make inquiries of ALL doctors I have seen in the past five years. When I applied for the policy it asked if I had been treated in the past THREE years for things which the answer to was no. Now it seems they are trying to say that I had diabetes as a pre-exisiting condition and are trying to contact every doctor that has treated me. All to get out of paying my claim. I have again attempted to get in touch with someone at Toyota who MISLED me with this policy. I will not be purchasing any more cars from Freehold Toyota after they refuse to accept responsibility for the misinformation I was given.
I have paid nearly eight hundred dollars for a policy which was a huge rip off.
I feel my privacy is invaded when they are contacting doctors I have not seen in FIVE years when they asked me about three years. NO one will take responsibility for this and I feel like I have been ripped off for the cost of the policy, nearly $800 and for the $800 they did not make in payments.
I am so tired in dealing with all this. I am so sad that having eight weeks out of work I did not have ONE day of enjoyment. Not one trip, not even a day trip.
Now because of this horrid company I am behind on my bills. I want to contact a TV reporter who exposes this kind of sham but frankly with me working full time I don't know when I would have time to do it. SHAME on this company and Toyota for using them.

Sunny and Serene Sunday

Yesterday the weather was so beautiful it was beyond description. I was awake at 5:30 a.m. even though it was a day off. I jumped up and did some straightening out in the garage, rearranging things and organizing summer items. I had an appointment with my dietitian who has been such a help in learning how to eat properly with the diabetes. Marina was so thrilled because this past month I lost another eight pounds. Since going to her I have lost 14 1/2 lbs. and I had lost a few before going to see her. My glucose numbers are fantastic now and she is eager for the endocrinologist to see them as well. The endo had some ultrasounds done and I was disappointed to learn that I have had some shrinkage in my leg arteries due to the diabetes. This means I must be very careful with my diet, more so than someone who does not develop this complication. It is going to be in the seventies today and when I sign off the computer I will be taking a nice long walk. Another thing I must do is become more physically active. Having lost the weight I did, I have more energy to do so.

Being back at work has been really good for me. I have made many friends where I am and there is a lot of support there. I was in training Thursday and Friday and was disappointed that they were distributing candy. Of the four people at my table three just happened to be diabetic. I did point out to one of the instructors that we couldn't eat the candy and could he offer us something that we could have? Sugar free chocolate perhaps? He apologized twice and I was disappointed to see the other diabetics eating the candy. Ironically, my sugar was too low and I did get to have one small piece but I was not going to sit there and eat sugar I knew I shouldn't have. We have a wonderful cafeteria which offers everything and I found that with two breaks and lunch I was able to have the things I needed sans sugar.

I am wearing slacks I couldn't get into last summer. What a glorious feeling. I am hoping to have another fifteen pounds off by July and pick up a few outfits for the summer. If I am honest, I have clothing in several sizes in my closet. My summer clothes should fit me well as they were small for me last year.

After my walk I am planning to take a quick trip to the mall and take my husband for a Ruby Tuesdays lunch. I love their salad bar and he can get something good as well. I might see if there is a shirt or something as a small reward for my hard work. Tomorrow I am back actively doing my job. I am a bit nervous trying to remember things from two months ago and also incorporating some of the changes made while I was out. Monday is a busy day for us.

I hope all of you are enjoying this wonderful day and that the weather there is as nice as here. It's been a fabulous weekend and I wish it could just last a bit longer. Now off to find some sneakers........

My First Day Back

I went back to work today. The HR person told me I had to be there half an hour early. Being the prompt person I am I actually arrived 45 minutes early. The security people had me sit in the waiting room until someone in HR said I could enter their office. I was advised it would "be awhile" and it was. About 45 minutes after waiting they took my security card and activated it. I thought I was going to have another interview but the receptionist handed me my card and sent me on my way. When I arrived upstairs I already knew someone else had been using my desk. I was really disappointed because I am a neat freak and they all knew this. The guy wasn't around and my boss told me that it was still my desk and just to move his things and put mine back (they had been stored underneath). After wiping things down with disinfecting wipes and replacing stuff I was ready to get down to business. Don't know why I felt so nervous as I have been doing this a year and a half but I did. It took me awhile to regain my computer access and then I struggled to remember passwords. I have passwords for many systems and most are different and must be changed every few months. We are not permitted to write them down. After guessing a few that I rotate I was finally in my email and I had a few hundred that had accumulated in the last two months. I began reading them and then for a few hours listened to a coworker using some new techniques. It went well and tomorrow and the next day I will primarily be in training classes to learn these new techniques firsthand. Many coworkers greeted me enthusiastically, I got many hugs and that was appreciated. All in all, it went well. I am tired tonight. I am going to hop into bed and try to sleep a bit later than I did this morning. I was like a kid going to the first day of school. Woke up before six and could not get back to sleep. It rained today and tomorrow that should stop. We are expecting seventy degree temps here on Friday. I will love the drive home.
I'm getting back into my routine and it really feels good. Nighty night.

Feeling Grumpy

If you know the song Feeling Groovy subsitute the word grumpy and sing along with me. Slow down....moving too fast.......got to make the morning last.....just kicking down the cobblestones.....looking for fun and feeling grumpy.

The diabetic diet is getting to me. EVERYTHING has carbs. You go out to eat and you pay for food that you cannot eat, or can have a miniscule portion of. Seeing all the wonderful food for Easter, in particular the desserts and the candy just makes me want it. People do not realize how frustrating it is. Like my mother who sent over cupcakes when I didn't go to her house because she was serving GLAZED ham, CANDIED yams and a salad with my grandmother's homemade dressing which has an entire cup of sugar in it. Sheesh. My mother has the sweet tooth of all time. Yes folks, I was raised by a woman who hid Chunkys in her dresser drawers. My Dad was in the Navy and when he was gone she actually sold cans of veggies to our neighbor (also a relative) and she bought things like Chunkys with it. My mother will keep a cake until it is stale and then pour milk on it and eat it like cereal. That will be BREAKFAST. My mother has no concept of nutrition and yet my sister and I have always been very conscious of nutrition. Thing is I grew up with candy dishes all over the house. When I was at my mother's last I counted EIGHT and that was just downstairs. Some are gallon size jar containers. For a beverage I was served SWEET iced tea. Thankfully I stopped drinking that about thirty years ago. My point is that it is hard to stop sugar cold turkey. I think I am having psychological withdraw.
Tomorrow I go back to work and it's a good thing. Firstly, I need to be focusing on other things than food deprivation. Secondly there is a cafeteria at work and they have meats and veggies that I will be able to have. Speaking of food Rachael Ray is on. I love her show and watching all those calorie laden meals she makes. Honestly some of them have no appeal to me at all and I wonder if the woman ever has her cholesterol tested. I do like her a lot but I wish she would have some shows on diabetic receipes OR low cholesterol meals. I was reading an article about how many children are being diagnosed with diabetes due to such high sugar diets. Some kids as young as four! That was shocking to me.
On a high note, yesterday the man of the house repainted our upstairs bathroom. It's kind of a periwinkle blue and I love it. The fixtures are ivory and it's a nice contrast. The shower curtain and accessories had this color in it. Today he is painting our guest room. When we purchased this home it was only nine months old but you would never have believed it. The woman who lived here in that short time had done a lot of damage. In that room her daughter had done something to the wall and she took a much darker color paint to touch it up and made a huge mess. We had never painted that room. I am doing it a creamy vanilla so that I can change the bedding to whatever I like. We bought one coat paint and I am hoping it actually is, I think so. It's a big job. Getting back to our home......the woman had dropped a 2 litre bottle of orange soda down the stairs on brand new carpet. As though that wasn't bad enough she tried to remove it with watered down bleach. A week after moving it I had to change the carpet on the stairs and upstairs hallway. The house also came with a washer, dryer and refrigerator. In our contract she was to leave the appliances but when we arrived after closing they were all gone. She was a single mother on the verge of foreclosure when we purchased the home. I felt sorry for her and just bought new appliances, I was sure that builder's appliances were not comparable to what I purchased. Even the toilet paper holders and light bulbs were taken. I just felt sad for her. Our house is small and there are things about my old house that I really miss, like my fireplace and my pull down attic stairs. Still there is a charm here and it's a comfortable place. I am always mindful of a plaque I saw in Amish country. It said the beauty of a house is it's hospitality. We always have a cup of tea and some homemade something here if you ever want to drop by. There's just no subsitute for feeling welcome.

Happy Easter

Today I put on a new sweater I had bought and some nice green dress slacks I had not fit into in a few years. That was a great way to kick start the day. Got to church early so we could have a good seat. Easter fills up fast and the church holds 2100 and then there are people standing up and down the sides and across the back. We know to get there at least a half hour early. It was a lovely service and the choir sang so beautifully. I didn't even fret about not taking my morning medicine. We came home and I through a spiral ham in the oven. We had a lovely dinner around 3 p.m. and my son, the vegan, joined us. He made himself pancakes. I worry that he is eating fewer and fewer foods. He won't eat fish or eggs anymore as he used to. I had a talk with him about how he eats primarily carbs and this concerns me because diabetes is so prevalent on both sides of his family. He said he would try to come up with more dishes that were less carb laden.

Right after eating my grandmother called. She has had a premonition that she would be leaving us on Easter weekend. She was upset with me for not going to my mother's house for dinner. My mother was having candied yams and a salad with a dressing that has a cup of sugar in it. My mother doesn't understand that I cannot eat things like that. We had a salad loaded with fresh veggies like broccoli and I put a low carb dressing on it. We had potatoes but my small amount was carefully monitored and candied anything is out. My grandmother doesn't understand so I try to let it go in one ear and out the other. I have enough trouble being reasonable now, cannot imagine how I would be at 96. Right after we finish eating my sister arrives with cupcakes my mother sent over. How thoughtful. My niece arrives shortly afterwards and her and my son had a nice conversation which was great as they live upstate New York and he rarely gets to see her. She is a chemist working in the daytime and going to grad school at night. She's really a great person and a joy to visit with.
So my Easter was good. Good sermon at the church I am most at home in, good meal and good visitors. I did miss a basket of candy but I got a bouquet of flowers (purple tulips) instead. Life is every changing and the secret to enjoying it seems to be the ability to roll with the punches. I'm trying my best to do that.

Thinking Out Loud

Easter is almost here. I have not attended church in months. I have not done anything (other than to sit a few bunnies and a few feathered chicks on some furniture). In years past I bought Easter candy for nearly every relative I had. This year our young niece and our nephew who is our Godchild received cards with a little money. This past Christmas I was not "into it" either. I think my health issues have been so weighty for me that it's been hard to get into the other things. Working full time uses most of my energy. My time off has been used to see doctors, have tests done and file papers and refax papers that were already sent in. I have had to bother my doctor several times to fill out papers and felt badly about wasting her time. I am feeling better each day now. Still coughing here and there but overall so much better. I will be returning to work next week. I am trying to do a few last minute things such as plant pansy flowers in the ceramic urns on the front porch and patio. I have been up since 5 this morning and I cleaned out my bathroom closet and laundry room shelves.

My grandmother has become very difficult. I feel so badly for my aunt, newly retired who is there dealing with her by herself. My mother doesn't like to be around sick people and has not gone to help. I worry how my aunt who is not in the best of health will do this on her own. I told my mother this morning that she should at least offer financial compensation of some kind. I realize this is not my problem and I cannot take it on.

My significant other had a CT scan and an ultrasound. He has had some neck discomfort and a sore throat. He has nodules on both sides of his thyroid. Since his cousin had his thyroid removed two years ago when it became cancerous and since his sister died of cancer he is very concerned. He will be having some blood work and seeing an endocrinologist and they will do frequent ultrasounds to monitor the situation. Oh to have a boring life.

The sun is beautiful today and I was outside for a few hours today soaking it up as I planted the planters. I am hoping that as the weather warms, my adjustments to the low carb diet get easier and more familiar and things continue to bloom I will feel lighter. It's been a rough winter but the Spring is here and I hope things are so bright I have to wear shades.

Happy Passover and a 5 Min Chocolate Cake Recipe!

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE

4 tablespoons flour

4 tablespoons sugar

2 tablespoons cocoa

1 egg

3 tablespoons milk

3 tablespoons oil

3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)

A small splash of vanilla extract

1 large coffee mug (MicroSafe)
Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly. Pour in the milk and oil and mix well..Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again. Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.EAT ! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).Of course, I cannot make or eat this being diabetic but my sister sent me this recipe. It made my mouth water. I gave up cake for lent as an extra incentive not to have any. Damn I miss cake so much I cannot tell you. Right now I would trade my firstborn for a piece of cake with lemon filling and coconut frosting. Oh yea.

I want to wish my Jewish friends a Happy Passover. I know many will soon be sitting down to their seder with family and I hope it will be a special time.

Sunny Sunday

Last night I had a bit of a restless night and ended up rising about 7 a.m. We went out for breakfast and I had the first pancake I have eaten since December. Counting carbs really restricts your diet and of course I had it with sugar free syrup. It bothers me to consume all this artificial sweetener. I am in a rut, tired of drinking diet soda. I purchased diet iced tea but cannot find it decaffeinated which means I have to limit that. I drink a lot of water but I long for juice. You never know what you have until it's gone and the freedom to eat what you want, when you want is one of those things. If I want a carb it has to be consumed with a protein and then there is a limitation on how many carbs I can have in one day. It's all about choices and making the best choices. I can't begin to imagine how a diabetic vegetarian can make it work. All the proteins that are not from animals are high in carbs such as beans and peas.

My spirits are lifting. The weather has gotten much better. The resident gardener has prepared the pots for flowers which we will purchase and get planted this week. Right now money is tight and I will be doing the pots only. In a few months I will purchase some more things as I get back to a steady paycheck. The other day I watched Suze Orman on Oprah and she gave many bits of advice that I felt were helpful to me. At the end of the show she said she wanted to ask the people watching to do something. She wanted them to focus not on what they USED to have, no longer have but what they still have. That really touched my heart. I have spent a lot of time thinking about the times that were so easy for me and how hard these past few years have been. Perhaps hardest of all is that much of our money has gone for medical expenses. I digress.......I still have a home, a car and food to eat. I have neighbors who are living day to day not knowing if they can keep their homes. Homes that they mortgaged two years ago and now they owe more than they could sell them for. I honestly think this is a wake up call for all Americans. Even those not currently feeling the crunch. We have to stop buying things we cannot afford and do not need. We have to stop living on so much credit. Two years ago if anyone had told me my husband's company would shut their site and he would be out of work I would have never believed it. Times have changed and if we don't learn to change with them we can find ourselves in serious trouble. We are making small changes wherever we can. Those small changes add up. This year instead of an overflowing basket that my son always received he is getting ONE chocolate bunny. I am starting now to simplify.

WONDERFUL NEWS!

I just spoke with my doctor who got the CT scan results. Whatever was in my lung is gone, there is nothing in it now. Woohoo! That was something I was very concerned about. Very good news. Now for the less good news: last night my husband's legs were flying about like helicopter blades. Every now and then he does this. When I went to bed I had a terrible soreness in my right side muscle from coughing for three weeks. I had only been asleep for an hour when his legs took flight and he kicked me waking me up. Of course he slept through this. The second time, less than five minutes later I lost it. I yelled at him to stop which did wake him up. I am wondering if this could be restless leg syndrome. In any event the sudden jumping I did further hurt the strained muscle and I couldn't even lay down. I got out of bed for a few hours and there is no position today that does not hurt. I just took some ibuprofen which I can't do regularly because of the blood thinner. I am hoping it will be better by tomorrow but the important thing is that my lung is now clear. I wonder why I am still coughing so much and since I expect to return to work April 15th now I am hoping there will be no residual cough at that time.

It is warm and sunny here in NJ. Hubby felt guilty I think and has entertained the pesky dog and done a lot of yardwork. I know he didn't do this intentionally but I am not congenial when woken up, especially when I am in pain. Perhaps tonight one of us will be in the guest room and if that someone is me I am leaving the pet elsewhere.

A Gorgeous Day

Today weather wise was gorgeous. I actually ventured out into my yard and cut some of my many dozen blooming daffodils for my daffodil vase. That heightened my spirits. I experienced several hours of frustrating phone calls today getting the place for my cat scan changed to where the x ray was taken, fighting with the company who still has not made ONE car payment for me, and fighting the medical group who billed ALL my visits incorrectly so that they were processed as out of network instead of in network. This would have left me owing thousands. I already owe plenty. So, I have my cat scan appointment for tomorrow afternoon. I am a bit nervous about it. When you have a history of cancer anything that suddenly appears is of concern. I am hoping I will hear quickly as I did when they read the x ray.
Today I had to go to the doctor's office and pick up my script for the scan. We actually went out and got a sandwich and walked around Target for half an hour. This is the first real exercise I have had in two weeks. I have been so weak that up until today I couldn't have done it. I am still coughing a lot, using inhalers (two different kinds) and wheezing but I do see some improvement.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I saw a word my doctor wrote on a form to the insurance company and my heart sank for a few minutes. My grandmother is becoming argumentative and difficult. My poor aunt deals with her daily while my mother is two hundred miles north. My mother says she has my father to care for and can't go. I think she can't deal with it. When I have been sick my mother has always distanced herself. I guess that's a protective mechanism she uses not to let things upset her. Wow if only I had that luxury!
She got mad at me when I pointed out that her mother had 96 years of excellent health. My mother has been very healthy too. I just want one day where I feel really good. I need to get back to work and back to getting my paychecks.
Hopefully I will have some good news in the next few days.

Same Old Same Old

I wish I had something good or exciting to write about. For most of the weekend I slept nearly round the clock. Sunday I was awake more and was actually able to enjoy a burger cooked outside on the grill...between episodes of rain. I am boring myself to tears here. If I were feeling better I would no doubt have cabin fever. I was able to sleep through the night last night once I finally got to sleep. I did some research on the internet yesterday that got me a little nervous. I am still waiting to get the approval from my health insurance company to get the cat scan and they will schedule it as soon as I have that. I will be relieved to know what they find. It is windy and cloudy again today. I am reading blogs and seeing such nice pictures of flowers blooming. Not sure if any of mine are because my flower bed is on the side of the house with no window. I have not gone outside of my house other than to get in the car and go to the doctor or hospital. Yesterday was the first day I didn't have a nosebleed so there was something to be happy about. If I have another one I am going to have to find an ENT and have that checked out. Wishing you all sunshine and spring flowers.

Beautiful Outside but I'm Still Sick

Yesterday I went back to the doctor. I didn't realize it but I was still running a fever from last week. I had stopped taking it even though I was waking up every night soaked and hacking up a lung. Saturday I had the worst asthma attack of my life and for a long minute I was afraid I might not survive it. It was that bad.
My lungs closed and I was gasping but could not take any air into my lungs. Finally I managed to inhale a tiny amount of air with the inhaler and it slowly began to open. My face was purple and no, I didn't see my life flash before me or a white light. I agonized over whether or not to go to the ER but I felt since the attack was over there wouldn't be anything else for them to do. On Wednesday as I coughed and hacked all day (despite cough syrup that has always worked in the past) I suddenly had a nosebleed. My almost white carpet in the guest room got sprayed and my shirt was covered. We got the doctor on the phone and she told me what to do and it stopped after a few minutes. On Thursday I went back to the doctor who could hear the respiratory distress I was in and also noted my oxygen intake was low. Hence my weakness. She prescribed a steroid inhaler for me and sent me for a chest x ray. I am so drained that it took a tremendous effort for me to walk down the ramp to the radiology department. Right after the x ray was over and I was ready to leave, I had yet another nosebleed. We picked up sandwiches and came home and the doctor called. She said I did not have pneumonia but they saw something else there "a nodule" and now I need a cat scan. What scares me is that it is on the left side. She was calling to get me approved for the cat scan. I also have oral steroids that if I am not better by tomorrow I am going to have to take. My chest feels as though a weight is on it.

My mother is still saying how overwhelmed she is by her mother's illness and does absolutely nothing. We have learned that my grandmother's cancer, at least for now, is confined to the breast. She still chooses to do nothing and at her age doctors feel that this is the best decision for her. My mother is pushing eighty and has had her mother all these years. Sometimes I think she just latches on to anything that she feels will get her sympathy. She knew I was going to get the x ray and never even called last night to see if I had heard anything. At times like this I certainly wish I had a nurturing mother.

My return to work will be delayed by a few weeks. I'm afraid that's going to be a ton of paperwork. The car loan company has still not paid one dollar though they have numerous doctor reports and all the information they requested.
Being sick sure is frustrating.

Sunshine and a fresh day

Today the sun is shining, although it is cold. I have not been out of my house since I was at the doctor's last Tuesday. My doctor said I do not have the flu but trust me, she was wrong. So very wrong. I have coughed nearly all night long and much of the day in the past week. Red killer cough syrup couldn't hold it back. I wake up drenched in sweat each night. Since these were symptoms of my original chest tumor way back when, they provoke some anxiety in me. Then I have to have the conversation with myself that sometimes a cough is just a cough caused by chest congestion. My fever finally went away but I am not back to normal yet. Honestly, I am rarely normal but that's another story.

I was so happy to see that Ronni, a brave runner and journalist is once again blogging. She made it through her third bone marrow transplant. She is a remarkable woman and the weeks without her posts were rough. Missie, another blogger had knee surgery and was just hospitalized for blood clots in her lungs. So glad she is doing well in the hospital.
On another front, my grandmother's breast cancer has not spread as they originally thought it had. Since she has no estrogen in her body they think it will take a long time. She wants no treatment but I am not sure this is realistic. She is taking pain pills for back pain and her thoughts and moods are ever changing. I just don't want her to suffer.
Well, I need to jump in the shower and take a long luxuriating shower. I just wish it would warm up outside so I could go for a short walk.

Emotional Chaos

Yesterday I learned that my grandmother has advanced breast cancer. Although she had a mammogram and they explained to her that she had cancer, she chose to do nothing. She is 96 years old. While that may make perfect sense, I am having difficulty accepting that. Perhaps because my grandmother is the one person in the world who has loved me unconditionally. When she is gone, she takes that with her. Yes, I am selfish and I don't want to accept that it will all be coming to an end. I finally composed myself and tried to call her today. She was on pain meds and foggy but at the end of the call she basically said goodbye. I couldn't.

I am a private person for the most part. For the past month I have been home on disability my husband has been here out of work. There has not been more than half an hour of time when he is not here and I am. This is wearing thin. I really need some ME time. Especially now. Again, perhaps this sounds selfish but if I want to have a good cry without someone asking me questions I damn well deserve it. I am still sick, still coughing. My ribs ache and my throat hurts. I want some hard candy to suck on but that's not okay. Sugar free cough drops just don't cut it. Everywhere I go I see chocolate for Easter and that is making me cranky. My husband keeps buying and eating donuts. That makes me cranky. Why can't he go buy them and eat them out? Because when I see them I want them but I can't have them. I'm disappointed that he does that because he is normally supportive and caring.

I want to reverse the clock and wake up when my grandmother was not sick and when I could eat donuts and when I didn't feel so damn cranky.

Ramblings of a Medicated Mind

I absolutely hate to take medicine. The fact that it serves a necessary evil does not comfort me. I am neurotic about adding any new medicines into the mix. My new doctor has had trouble understanding this until she saw the result of me nearly passing out. I have a strange reaction at times. I have hacked nonstop for many days and nights and I finally called today and spoke with her. No, she doesn't think I need a chest x ray it's just bronchitis but if I am still coughing next week she will do one. Newsflash; if I am still coughing by next week I will be one of those people who needs a rubber room after losing it from lack of sleep. She also prescribed some cough syrup with codeine. I simply cannot tell you how good it felt to taste sugar in the syrup. Nothing like that has touched my tongue in over six weeks. I am on a new antibiotic which makes me a little dizzy, then with the cough syrup I am in a mild haze. For the life of me I cannot understand why people would want to spend money to feel this way. By the way, I am making a disclaimer that if none of this makes sense I cannot be held responsible due to too many medications.
I have still not cooked my corned beef brisket and guess what today I think is Friday, it is two a.m. IF I cook the brisket and ate it I would be eating meat on a Lenten Friday. In years past, I was observant of this. My old priest explained to me that if you do another thing, such as visiting a sick person, you can eat meat. My mother-in-law gives up something for lent but has it in huge amounts on Sunday because she goes to mass and figures that is a trade off. Technically she is right. A few weeks ago I had a medical test and I was told I had to eat a very fatty meal to keep radio isotopes from being absorbed by my liver. She called here that night and was horrified that I ate a cheeseburger on a Lenten Friday. Now I have to tell you that if a doctor tells me I have to eat a fat laden meal and recommends a cheeseburger then I'm going to cave. If in the final judgement it comes down to that, I'm not worried. I have corrupted her son because I don't remind him. Well if lent is about suffering than I guess she is in the right spirit. As for my home, people (occupants and visitors) are allowed to have whatever they want.
Speaking of the leprechaun he did an Easter headliner for me. Then I found this great blog design. OK I am now worn out. I went this morning and got an echo done. It's always fun to see someone who hears my heart for the first time. I really liked this woman who let me gently cough and such on a sugar free cough drop. Oh the little things that count when you are sick. Happy weekend.

OOPS I forgot to mention something that if I were well I would have done an entry on. MARTIN BRODEUR (my hockey playing significant other.) He beat the record of most game wins by a goaltender and the following game set a new record. Knowing Marty it will be more and more cause like the Energizer Bunny he keeps it coming. Two Christmases ago my husband bought me a beautiful autographed picture of Martin, my Stanely cup sweetheart. He agreed that if Martin ever came to our door and said he had to have me, he would make that sacrifice. (I could tell he never thought this might really happen.) ha! Aside from being an incredible goalie he is just so boyishly cute. He will be 37 on May 6th. OH I love my NJ Devils and I hope sometime in the future I can once again afford to go to their games. Seats in nosebleed territory cost us. IF I ever win the lottery I would buy season tickets. We love ya Marty. 552 and counting......

I am sick

Since Monday I have been sick. A fever, freezing one minute and roasting the other. Hacking up what sounds like lungs. My chest hurts. Went to the doctor yesterday and she gave me a script for an antibiotic. Wasn't sure how I felt about her not taking a chest xray or doing blood work. Does she not know I am delicate? I am just reading my emails from Monday. My corned beef brisket is sitting in the fridge waiting to be made. Don't think it will be today either. Neighbors came over to bring us a card but I was asleep and not functioning too well. My bed calls and I hope to be back in good shape soon.

A Rough Night and a Valve in Overdrive

Yesterday I had a really good day. I have had a bug for a couple days and my head hasn't felt right and my tummy hasn't been right but yesterday I was excited to go back to the nutritionist and have her review my records of what I've been eating and my glucose numbers. She was thrilled and when she weighed me I was down six pounds since my last visit. Since being diagnosed with diabetes about seven weeks ago I am down ten pounds. My numbers are pretty good, I am working hard to keep my carbs to under ten servings a day and to only eat any carbs with protein. I do find I am eating more cheese than I want to be, but it's all low fat. Last night we did (okay hubby did the work) about half a dozen chicken breasts on the grill. That means I can have one on salad or as the main part of a meal when I want it. He had prepared a lot of Italiian sausages but I learned yesterday they are so high in fat and calories and a bad choice so I am going to let him finish them while I have the chicken instead. Getting back to yesterday, when I left the nutritionist I decided to celebrate with a tiny burger from Wendy's and a huge diet soda. I was very thirsty. Later I realized that it had caffeine in it. Big mistake as I had already had one cup of coffee and one cup of tea that morning and I was way over my limit. I went to bed about ten thirty and that's when my heart went into overdrive. What a miserable feeling. It was beating so fast and there was no way I could sleep. I dozed off for maybe fifteen minutes but that was it....until after four thirty. I was so mad at myself for being so careless. I slept from about four thirty until eight when the pets wanted to get up. I got up and fed them. I dozed a few times while watching tv. My eyes are so tired I cannot even read today.

My heart is so sensitive to caffeine that once this begins nothing can stop it. I drank at least a quart of water during the night, took a mild tranquilizer, tried to meditate but was distracted with thoughts of Edgar Allen Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart. Since I have the artificial valve, I not only feel it, I also hear it. There was a time I never thought I would get used to it. I am used to it most of the time because there is noise but at night when it's very quiet I really notice it. I am going to put a picture of it here. It's kind of like a silver dollar, but smaller, and it has these louver door like appearance. Now my skin covers it they tell me. I was amazed there were three tiny holes in it where the stitches went. As long asit keeps on ticking I am happy to have it. It's carbon graphite.the lastest technology and I have it. :)

An Hour Ahead

I woke up today feeling it was early to get up but then I realized it was an hour later than I thought it was.....at least technically. I changed the clocks (the computer and cable box changed themselves). Yesterday was so beautiful. We opened the garage and let the warm air come in. I got some things put away in there and was basking in the heat on the patio when our mail was delivered. It seems we didn't have enough taken out of our checks last year and now we owe some money. Didn't count on that. At first I was really upset because I am still waiting for my first disability check. By the time it arrives I will be returning to work. That is only part of your salary. I have been going to doctors and having tests and regulary writing out $20 and $40 copay checks. When I purchased my car I paid extra for insurance to cover the payments should I be out on disability. I knew if that happened I would not be able to swing those payments. The woman who did the financial paperwork told me all I had to do was call her. She is no longer working there but the procedure for this leaves a lot to be desired. I spent nearly $800.00 at the time for the coverage which also pays off the loan if I die. I made the call and learned I would be faxed over papers which both my employer and doctor would need to fill out. Those papers could only be submitted after the 2nd of each month (couldn't get an adequate explanation for that) AND I would be responsible for making all the payments. At some point when they determined I was eligible, they would submit the money directly to my company holding the loan. So, the safety net I thought I had has been anything but. I have had to make two payments and once they have the money from the car loan company I will have a credit on my account. Had I understood this when I took the loan I would not have bothered. It makes me angry to be given incorrect information and to have to have a credit up the road when I need that now.

I have decided that I must use all my energies towards feeling better, which slowly I am doing. I will have to pay the taxes in payments since I cannot send the entire amount now. I cannot worry about it because I cannot change it. I am hoping to get back to work in about three weeks feeling so much better. There is new management now and a lot of changes going on. I liked the old management who always was concerned about the worker bees. I understand the need for change. I will try my best to make the necessary changes.

I am going to take a long hot shower and go to the store and return the jeans that were purchased over the internet. Hopefully I will get the full refund because I cannot find the receipt. They have been here since Christmas.
I am usually very organized. The past few months, especially December, I felt out of it. I was dizzy and greatly fatigued but didn't know why. Now I am getting all that sorted out and adjusted to a new diet and new meds. I am doing better and by Easter I am hoping to be the person I was before.......or better.
Speaking of Easter I have a new header for that but will wait until St. Patty's Day is over. I have my corned beef waiting to be cooked and I just love that day.

Did Ya Ever Have "One of those Days?"

Yesterday was mentally exhausting. It all began with the cat waking me up at 6 a.m. I woke up feeling a mild sore throat and exhaustion. I took a shower and got dressed thinking it would be a good day to go and get my license renewed. Got all my documents together and got there. They had moved. Okay...back in the car and about five minutes later we arrived at the right place where they rushed me through. I had anticipated getting my picture taken so had done my hair and put on makeup but they decided to use the old one since I hadn't changed in 4 years. Not going to argue with that, even if my hair is about six inches longer in that picture. I was wearing a green turtleneck sweater in the old picture and one that day and I could tell the woman noticed that and was no doubt thinking "Could that be the same turtleneck?" For the record it was not. We then headed to the grocery store and picked up a few things we were out of and came home. About that time my birthday girl friend Laura called. I had told her to call me if she was available for lunch. She told me her son had given her money to go to Atlantic City and given her money for me to go with her. Folks, I have to tell you I am not a big fan of "AC". I never truly feel I have enough money to gamble and I would rather give it to charity if I did have it. She knows this but it was her birthday and she wanted to go. 'We live about forty miles apart and she is near the Parkway which is the way you go. She suggested I drive and meet her by the service station near the Driscoll Bridge. While I know this is me going North and then having to go south to get there, I agree wanting things to be easier for her. I through myself in the car and stuff a credit card (to buy her dinner) in my jeans pocket and off I go. I stop at the bank to make a deposit on the way. I go to where I think she means but there is NO service area. I am stuck going over the bridge and now have to go miles to find a place I can turn around. I try to call her cell but it goes right into voicemail. I call home and find she has called Rob and told him she got a new cell and hadn't put my number into it. I get off when I can and head south on the parkway. Now she calls me and I am talking to her when I suddenly realize I was in the far right lane and am stuck on the ramp to the Turnpike. Oh no. Once on the turnpike you go forever before you can turn around. I am talking to Rob who has Laura on the other line. I keep explaining there was no rest area and then she decides that where I entered the parkway was above the rest area. By now I am so far away I tell Rob I will just head home and if she wants to come to the house she can. She begins to come here but then she gets lost. Now I am in tears feeling I have ruined her birthday. The fact that I have a GPS should mean I don't get lost but let me tell you, when you are driving on the parkway people in NJ tailgate. They are driving 65 or faster and it's four lanes like that. Finally when Laura calls again I know just where she is and tell her to stay put. Rob drives me there and I jump in her car and now we are on our way to AC. She is laughing, grateful I am going with her and tells me not to worry about the delay. We stop at a rest area and decide to grab a burger and drink. The rest area is close to AC and has the audacity to charge nearly ten dollars for a whopper junior meal. Can they be serious? Yes and it was the worst service ever with us waiting ten minutes for them to make them. About that time I notice my AMEX is no longer in my pocket. I rush back into the bathroom and it's not there OR in Laura's car. I call Rob and tell him to report it lost after he checks our car to make sure it wasn't lost there. Poor Rob even when I am out of the house he is having to assist me. We arrive in AC and we find a good parking spot. We went to Bally's and parking which was free is now $5. We go upstairs and Laura doesn't have her card so she gets another one and I decide I will get one. This is to build up points and get comps. We head down to the floor and she hands me 5 twenties. I have never had that much money in a casino. I spot a machine that says Dublin Diamond and I think oh yes luck of the Irish. More like the potato famine. It took awhile but I lost that twenty. My friend wanders over to the $1 game machines and wins a few hundred dollars. I am happy and so is she. She takes her winnings and plays the same machine again and wins another couple hundred. YES! I am having vicarious pleasure cause my twenties are being sucked in with nothing coming back. She suggests we go check out the nickel machines. The money goes much faster there because you play x lines and so many per line. This is how it has always been for me. No winnings and no luck. She wins yet again. We have now been there three hours and it's after eleven. She asks me if I want to eat. I am not hungry but I am thirsty so we find a place selling sodas. Nearly three dollars for a diet Pepsi. She decides to call it a night and cashes out. I was so happy for her. She left with several hundred and got her parking comped. I left with what I came with MY $20.
For the life of me, I will never understand the thrill of gambling. Perhaps if my luck were to change and I won, I would feel differently.
So while I ran up lots of tolls yesterday, used a lot of gas (and discovered my engine light was now on) lost my AM EX and had rotten luck on the slots, my luck was good in that I was able to spend a birthday evening with a friend. She smiled and laughed and seemed to have a good time. That was my prize. We made memories and those are priceless and last forever.

Happy Birthday Laura and Stacey

Happy Birthday, Laura! (an old and dear friend)

Happy Birthday, Stacey! (a wonderful neighbor and friend)

Today is the birthday of two people that I know. I wish them both a wonderful day.
I am going to run to the DMV and get my driver's license redone today. In NJ we are required to have unbelievable amounts of ID to do this. I am required to go in person and take copies of birth certificates, marriage certificates, bills, tax statements or social security cards. I have it all here ready to go. Don't know how long this will take.
I got my results of my nuclear stress test on Tuesday at a visit with my cardiologist. NO blockages. ::::::::happy dance::::::: For someone with my medical issues this is somewhat surprising to doctors. I am so happy I will not have to go through another cardiac catherization as I had six years ago. I heard last night that Barbara Bush just had an aortic valve replacement. She is fortunate at her age to get a tissue valve. I was not old enough to get one, since I was under 50 I had to get a mechanical valve. This requires anti coagulation meds which frankly are a nuisance. I have to get my INR tested once a month. IF that number goes too high many things can happen, including a brain hemorrhage. Last month my number was great but this month it was way too high. This was probably a result of me introducing a new medication for the diabetes into my body. Now my dose will be changed once again and I will have to retest in about a week. Not a big deal but I will never get used to blood tests. I still hate needles of any kind.
We still have snow on the ground here. It was bitter cold two days ago and yesterday the temperature rose ten degrees. Today it is expected to rise another ten degrees. That makes me smile. It has been sunny and I try to soak that in. Overall I am feeling better. Thank God for that. If the last blood pressure medicine I tried continues to keep my pressure where it currently is, I am hoping that I have found the combination that will work for me. They have found I need two meds to really control it. Well, time for breakfast and off to a productive day hopefully.

Noreaster Hits NJ

I'm sure many of you have felt this storm. We got ten to twelve inches of snow in my area which started about 11 p.m. last night. Not as thick as some snow I have seen but the winds were pretty strong. Thankfully, neither of us had to get out this morning. I did have an appointment but the office called to cancel and advised me to reschedule tomorrow. Since I was hoping to hear the results of the test I had on Friday I was a bit disappointed but no one should have had to drive today. They said NJ state police reported 350 accidents by noon with one fatality. Our neighbors came over about lunch time to start shoveling our driveway for us. Rob had done the sidewalks and patio but was taking a break. I simply cannot say how helpful our neighbors are when you need them. We all watch out for each other. I have never lived in a neighborhood where people were like this and I find it interesting that people here have much less financially than previous areas I have lived.

I finished reading the final book by the author I wrote about, Laurel Lee. She had been diagnosed with Hodgkins disease the year before I had. I had tried to follow her life back then but it was difficult......no Internet. I now know much of what I missed and what her final months were like. It frightens me a bit to think that so many secondary cancers can occur but like her I feel that when you survive cancer and are gifted the time to see your child become a self sufficient adult, you have to see the time you had and not what you will miss. Her children were such beautiful people and had her spirit of helping others.

I have a few more books sitting here to be read and I think I might begin another today. My chef is preparing one of his wonderful pot roasts for dinner.
Might as well take advantage of the oven being on for hours. He pan sears the meat with a searing flower and it makes it so tender. Hope all of you are dry and warm and finding something good in your day.