Sunday, March 22, 2009

Emotional Chaos

Yesterday I learned that my grandmother has advanced breast cancer. Although she had a mammogram and they explained to her that she had cancer, she chose to do nothing. She is 96 years old. While that may make perfect sense, I am having difficulty accepting that. Perhaps because my grandmother is the one person in the world who has loved me unconditionally. When she is gone, she takes that with her. Yes, I am selfish and I don't want to accept that it will all be coming to an end. I finally composed myself and tried to call her today. She was on pain meds and foggy but at the end of the call she basically said goodbye. I couldn't.

I am a private person for the most part. For the past month I have been home on disability my husband has been here out of work. There has not been more than half an hour of time when he is not here and I am. This is wearing thin. I really need some ME time. Especially now. Again, perhaps this sounds selfish but if I want to have a good cry without someone asking me questions I damn well deserve it. I am still sick, still coughing. My ribs ache and my throat hurts. I want some hard candy to suck on but that's not okay. Sugar free cough drops just don't cut it. Everywhere I go I see chocolate for Easter and that is making me cranky. My husband keeps buying and eating donuts. That makes me cranky. Why can't he go buy them and eat them out? Because when I see them I want them but I can't have them. I'm disappointed that he does that because he is normally supportive and caring.

I want to reverse the clock and wake up when my grandmother was not sick and when I could eat donuts and when I didn't feel so damn cranky.


Judith HeartSong said...

I am so sorry. I am sending warm hugs and empathy.

lots of love your way.

jennifer said...

Nelle, I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother's diagnosis. And stop apologizing for just wanting a few ME moments. We all need them, but we tend to feel selfish if we take them. TAKE THEM!

Sending you (((hugs))).

Missie said...

Sounds like you need some hugs! I had a good cry all alone on Saturday morning after everyone went home from visiting me in the hospital. I understand the needing me time and a good cry!!