Rest in Peace

MEMORIAL WEB PAGE FOR JEN

On June 8th at 5:15 a.m. my beloved sister-in-law (the baby of our three sisters)peacefully left this world. We were blessed to be able to spend several hours with her for the two previous days. Despite four surgeries since January and many radiation treatments, her cancer had returned in less than four weeks after the last surgery in which the doctor felt he had it all. Mercifully, pneumonia claimed her before the cancer could. She left the world without complaint, much as she had lived her life. Her final words as we left that evening were barely heard because of the difficulty she had speaking and the weakness of her voice. We did see her mouth move and I heard the whisper "love you" as her mother, brother and I headed out. I suspected that might be the last time we would see her alive.

Jennifer McLaughlin McFetridge was a wonderful friend, daughter, sister, niece, cousin but mostly she was a mother to her eight year old daughter, Cassie. That was the thing that made her happiest. Making Halloween costumes, making head bands with ribbons to match each outfit, waiting in line to buy the latest Disney DVDs, anything that was for her daughter. This was her true happiness in life. Her daughter was not the only person who benefitted from Jen's caring. She always thought of what she could do for her Mom and even for her neighbors. All the neighbors had many stories of the times Jen had helped them. She did not complain. Her doctors came to tell us how brave she was, how hard she fought. We knew but it was good to know that they knew as well.

My favorite memory of Jennifer is this. When Rob and I were married we asked our DJ to play some Irish songs. He played the Unicorn Song where you make all the hand motions. She and I totally spontaneously, jumped up and the two of us did all the motions. When the music played between we grabbed each other and we waltzed all over the dance floor. We then proclaimed ourselves unicorn sisters. That Christmas we gave each other (unplanned) unicorns. That was a magical moment as were so many moments spent with my beloved baby sis. Several months ago I got a phone call at 7 a.m. It was Jen. They had just told her that her tumor which had been removed from her neck was now in her skull. She was scared. She talked to me about so many things that morning. Before we hung up she reminded me of the day we met. It was her father's wake. Her daughter was not yet two and I left the receiving line to care for her. We bonded like there was no tomorrow that evening. Since then her daughter and I have had a mutual admirational relationship. I adore that child and often think she was the daughter I might have dreamed of having. Jen asked me to promise her that if she lost her battle I would take care of her daughter, Cassie, at HER funeral. I promised her. I never dreamt it would happen. When we arrived for the communion last month Jen asked me to do everything for her. I did, WE did. Yesterday, once again, I dressed my eight year old niece and we went to her Mommy's funeral. It was heartbreaking to say goodbye. We will be seeing them here in a few weeks. I am hoping to make more money and surprise them with a trip to DisneyWorld.

I thought I was pretty together but Jen taught me a lot these past few months. She was wise beyond her years and she knew how to squeeze the lemons life threw at her and make them into lemonade. She knew how to put it in a beautiful glass and then take it to the beach to drink it. Her legacy is that she left people better off for having known her. I am a better person because of her example. I strive to be a good example for her daughter.

Jen never ended a phone conversation without saying to Rob or I "I love you both."

What a beautiful way to remember someone, that they made you feel loved. Thank you unicorn sis for the sunshine you gave not just to me. Jen was loved by all who knew her. It doesn't get any better than that in life.

My Absence

The photo is of Rob with Jen and her daughter at our wedding. Jen and I danced the Unicorn Dance that night, just the two of us on the dance floor. A memory that has to last a lifetime.


This will be the last post I expect to write for awhile. We got disturbing news today about my sister-in-law Jennifer. If you remember she had surgery just one short month ago to remove a large tumor in her head. They felt that if they radiated her right away, the chances were that the tumor would take at least a year to return. They did radiate her right away. The result was a swollen brain that filled with fluid necessitating a shunt put in about two weeks ago. Two nights ago she began to feel ill and they discovered that she had pneumonia. Last night they were uncertain she would make it through the night and wanted to put her on a ventilator. She refused (how I respect her for maintaing dignity in a hopless battle). Today they took her down for an MRI and it showed that the tumor is already back. Devastating news. The doctor told my mother-in-law that they are only going to make her comfortable at this point. To try to cure the pneumonia might only make her death far worse so at this time they are done treating her.


I think that is the right decision and one I would want made for me. The thing of it is although we logically know what is good our hearts only know the pain and don't want it. First thing tomorrow morning we will be driving up the the hospital for a visit. Not sure she will even know we are there. This is the dread disease that robbed a beautiful and energetic 34 year old woman of her life and her eight year old daughter of her mother. Surely, less money could be spent on war and more on cancer research. Tonight I am trying to think of all the wonderful memories I have of Jen. I have many. During our last visit I held her and told her that I loved her. We both cried and discussed our fear. When she first learned of the tumor in her head she called me at 7 a.m. I made a promise to her. One that I will keep. On the first day I met her over seven years ago we were going to her father's wake. Her little daughter was only a year old and I volunteered to take care of her, leaving her to deal with her father's service. That always impressed her. She made me promise to take care of her daughter at her funeral, should that happen. As my heart breaks, I will be taking my little niece's hand and letting her know that she is not alone. Letting her know that her Mom will always be with us in our memories. It's my final promise and it's the last thing I can do for my beloved Jen.

A great weekend

Yesterday we headed to the Philadelphia area. My friend Debbie and her husband Don took us to her tennis partner's home for steaks on the grill. Yummy and they had the best pastries for dessert. Came home and Rob found that he had eaten something that had him quite ill. Fortunately he survived that ordeal and today we went to a college graduation party for Debbie's son. Her ex husband and son's Dad is a wonderful guy. He had bought a brownstone in Philadelphia that is four floors, it even has an elevator. Beautiful and so interesting. We had a nice tour and his new wife Debbie gave us a tour. She is very nice and it did my heart good to see two families get together even though they are both remarried, and have a great time.
I got to see Debbie's huge family which I don't get to see that much anymore. I got to see her two grown children and got to see the restaurant manged by her new husband's son who is a great guy. If you're ever in Philly you should really stop in The Continental Restaurant and Martini Bar (old city) there is also one midtown. I was literally drooling looking at the fresh salads and had a wonderful drink called a Miami Mango something.
Now back to the real world. My doggie missed me like crazy despite visits from my son and mother he refused to eat. We missed him too. The cat is less fussy.
It will be nice to sleep in my own bed tonight. There truly is no place like home.

My friends, the books

Today I decided to clean up the garage. Well at least organize it. When moving things about I found an old box of some of my favorite books. I quickly opened and examined them. I have purchased so many over the years, read so many but these are the ones that I will always own.
Kahlil Gibran: three by him, one, Beloved Prophet, was so difficult to find as it had not been published in many years. It took me two years searching before I located it in a rare book store in another state. it contains his love letters to the woman he loved, Mary Haskell. I have been fascinated with him since first reading The Prophet as a teenager. Some of that book contains quotes that I frequently use. I love his mind. Other books are by Anna Quindlen. Her essays in the New York Times were outstanding. She can open anyone's mind by using logic. Three books are by an author most of you never heard of, Laurel Lee. When I was being treated for Hodgkin's Disease in 1977 she wrote an article that appeared in a woman's magazine along with her ink drawings. She was living the life of a hippie (not so different from mine) with two young children. While pregnant with her third she developed a horrible cough which was diagnosed as Hodkin's Disease. She refused a late term abortion as the doctors begged her to have it. She later gave birth to a healthy daughter and published her diary of the ordeal, Walking Through the Fire. A TV movie was later made of it, but it did not do the book justice. Laurel has an uncanny sense of humor and her drawings make it rich. I do not know what became of her.
I do know that her books are two of my prize possessions.

I stopped here and went to Google her name. I simply cannot believe that I never thought to do that. I just learned that she died August 2004 from pancreatic cancer after fighting it for a year I am so saddened by that but joyful that she left behind three children and four grandchildren.
The fact is that she died at 58 but she lived each day after her cancer diagnosis at age 29 with such joy and appreciation. Her dream was to live long enough to see her children independent and she achieved that. I hate knowing that she is gone because of all the days and nights that I wrestled with the demons of fear. I knew that she was out there doing the same and overcoming them. Thank you Laurel for all the hope that you gave me for all those years. Rest in peace. I have one last book of hers to purchse, Tapestry the Journal of Laurel Lee.

I have other books........they are my friends. Sometimes on a bad night they help me. I have one book that is unread. I purchased it a few years ago and I simply cannot get through it. I refuse to get rid of it and I just know that one day I will get through it, One Hundred Years of Solitude. My new favorite read are books by Jodi Picoult. If you haven't read My Sister's Keeper, you must. I am eagerly waiting to read her latest. Hoping it comes out in paperbook soon!

Learning Requires Patience

Today brought to the conclusion the ordeal of a buyer I have been working with for four months. It is ironic to me that this person was in sales because they have shown the least consideration for my work of anyone I have dealt with thus far. I had to tell him at one point that I worked solely on commission. He wanted me to show his wife every single house for sale in our entire county. When he came he wanted me to show him anything that interested her.
He then systematically vetoed what she liked. All the while he was telling me that it was HER choice. I came close to piercing my tongue with my teeth this past week. I was pleasant and polite throughout even when he behaved in what I felt was insulting behavior. In the end he has chosen to buy something that he saw on the ONE day that I did not take them out when he wanted to go. What he is buying is a very poor investment and something that his wife does not want but he is pushing upon her. If she doesn't take that she will be in a rented room in someone else's house. I feel sorry for her to an extent. I feel sorry for myself at times but I have learned a valuable lesson. Early on I felt no loyalty from these people. I should have not continued to work with them, allowing my time and finances to be consumed by them. I take responsibility for that. I really thought once they got to know the kind of person that I am they would appreciate my honesty and integrity. He did thank me for all my efforts and told me he was very frustrated and knew I had to be. Of course, he felt this rested with his wife. I have to let this go and move on, taking from it knowledge. It was a hard lesson to learn. What is hardest is not to lose my confidence. I did a good job. As I told him I cannot demand loyalty, I can only hope that one gives it freely and appreciates what I do for them.
It's a beautiful day here today. Has been for several days running. I decided to treat myself to a bit of shopping. The Pier 1 outlet relocated and it was a treasure hunt to find the new place. Sadly, the new place is fancy like the store and the fabulous bargains were no longer to be found.
I think I did better in the regular store with the sale prices actually.
I had a bad night last night tossing and turning. I am going to have a little nap now. Sometimes we have to be gentle with ourselves.

The healing balm of friendship

This has been a rough week for Rob. His sister left the hospital and within 24 hours had to be readmitted. She is undergoing cranial radiation that has her brain swelling and has her very ill.
The problem is that if she does not have the radiation the tumor will be back quickly. They fear if she does continue though she is running a risk of paralysis from damage. What a choice to make. She has chosen to continue with the radiation even though her mother is strongly opposed. My m i l asked the doctor would he have his daughter radiated like this and he answered he would not want to. She has the power of attorney and is struggling with what to do. I am glad not to have to make those decisions. Unfortunately I do not believe my sister-in-law now down to 70 lbs. and heavily medicated can make sound decisions on her own. While we can only listen and offer emotional support we are all hurting on the sidelines.

Last night, after nearly five years Rob heard from his estranged best friend. I believe that karma knew Rob needed something good to happen. His best friend really hurt him when he failed to show up as best man for our wedding. The night before he went out on a drinking bender that lasted for days. We were aware at the time that his wife and he were having some serious problems. That lead to him drinking way too much which caused other problems.
I would not be discussing this here, but my journal is private and I trust those who have access to read it. When he called he left a lengthy message asking both of us to forgive him. He went on to say that if we couldn't he would understand. That really touched me. I played the message for Rob and at first he was reluctant to call him back. Five years is a long time to wait for an explanation. I asked him to just listen to what he had to say and then to make a decision. His friend cried over and over as he told him all of the problems he had been experiencing. His wife left him and he took his two sons and had to go stay with his parents in Florida. I knew right away that Rob would forgive him, as would I. He asked to speak to me and asked my forgiveness. It is easy to give when someone demonstrates real sincerity as he did. All is alright now and now as we face the problems with Jen, Rob has a friend who truly understands. His friend's father has cancer as well. Life is strange but sometimes just when we need them our friends surface and just their voice can be soothing. I was thinking about when Rob's Dad died. This friend was there for every minute of that time dispensing hugs to his entire family. Friends and relationships are never perfect because as human beings we fail sometimes. The thing is that when the relationship is based on the good stuff we accept those failings and we forgive....just as we hope to be forgiven when we mess up. I am happy for Rob and since his friends are my friends too, a bit for myself.

Realtor woes and frustrations

Yesterday I spent the morning hours repeating the tour of homes I had made the previous day with just the hubby. This time the wife (who I have shown about fifty homes to) joined us. Hubby finally convinced her to put in an offer but having been told by a BANKER that he should not make any offer that he was not embarassed to make, he made an offer that was so low that it was immediately turned down. He decided he will not consider another offer but will instead go after cheaper properties (although he LOVES this and in truth could afford it.) OKay............
now we will be going through this again. I must say it does not make sense to me to pay less to buy a home that is cheaper if it is not what you truly like. Wife likes the other home very much though and I am hoping that I can talk them into coming up a bit so they might get this one.
Interesting what motivates people. To me when I see a home I know I would want to live in, price is very much secondaring PROVIDING I can afford it. Other people fall in love with a home they can't afford, but find a way to give up enough to make that dream come true. I think I am too prudent to do that but I admire those who can. I have a busy day today. I am showing a potential buyer a home this morning (someone driving here from Maryland because this Victorian home he heard about is a MUST SEE) and writing a new contract then answering phones in the office for an hour and a half. So glad Sunday will be a day of rest. I need it!

If you love older homes, I have the most beautiful home, with a historic plaque, been on many tours: Christmas, gardening etc. on a main street of a small town just reduced to $400,000.
Honestly, it's a great buy! The yard is amazing.

A New Idol

I am not surprised that Jordin Sparks won tonight. She is lovely and I think her mother is breathtaking. Her Dad contributed to her good looks as well. I thought tonight's finale was really entertaining and one of my all time favorites made an appearance, The Divine Miss M. I will never forget way back when when I first saw Bette Midler. OH I fell in love with the persona.
I played that album until I wore it out. She was over the top. I imagined what it must be like to be her. At the time I was about twenty I think with a baby. I just couldn't imagine being her with her fabulous voice and campy wardrobe. She was the bomb. She is still stunning and she's got a few years on me. I loved her skirt. She always carries a few p0unds more than most people in show biz but I think she is still sexy. Bette you rock!

I made a visit to my internist this afternoon. I have an ear infection. He told me I had some wax in the ear too and he wanted to remove it so I could put drops into it for the pain, in addition to oral antibiotics. That push of warm water really got the ache pushed into high gear. I was hoping removing some wax would return my hearing but it didn't. The antibiotics will do that, soon I hope. At least I am hoping I will have less pain tonight when I lay my head down.
I hope I have that rare dream where I am The Divine Miss M. (My maiden name began with M. For many years my last initial was R and my initials were NCR, as in National Cash Register. Once again I have an M as my last initial. I like that. I have reclaimed my M and it feels good.

You give medicine a bad name

I have really been slacking off when it comes to taking care of my health. The other day I realized that although I was diagnosed with glaucoma some ten years ago, I have not seen my specialist in over a year! I usually go every four months. It has been very much under control. I take a visual field test once a year and then use drops daily. I was supposed to use two different drops and then when my pressure remained the same, I only used one. That is not typical of me but what is even worse is that I have not used any in several months. When I realized this I called the doctor and made an appointment for the first week of June so I can get back on track.
I'm far too responsible to be doing something like this! Being busy just is no excuse.

Two days ago I laid down on a pillow in my guest room and began to feel my head congest. I looked at the pillow and it was covered in cat hair. Since then I have remained congested but yesterday afternoon my ear began to hurt. It feels like someone is playing bongos in there and I can't hear out of it. The right part of my head feels like it's full of congestion. I called the doctor and made an appointment for this afternoon. I hope the ear is not infected as I have never had an ear infection in my life. It is a peculiar feeling.

My sister-in-law Jennifer arrives home from the hospital today. She is weak and will need some physical rehab which they will do in her home. Right now they believe they have gotten all the tumor and bought her some real time. I am cautiously optomistic. My mother-in-law is so happy. Her birthday is June 1st. I have prepared a nice box of things to send her including a soft and cozy robe. Noticed when we were there hers was very worn. It came with a small lap throw that matched the robe. In New England you often have some chill in the air and I am sure she will put it to good use.

Happy Anniversary

Today is the anniversary of the joining ceremony of two wonderful women

Judi and Virginia

Wishing you two the best always

and many more years of bliss.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs to you both today!

Trying to Hang in There

I have been on an emotional roller coaster today. Trying to decide whether or not real estate is my bag, so to speak. My area is flooded with agents. The buyers seem to have little to none loyalty and the couple I spent the last four months working with went out on their own last week on the ONE day I was not available (despite that I gave them four other days that week.)
Now they think they will buy something they saw with another agent. They think they will use her to write the contract despite me showing them over fifty homes. This really irks me. I was told by other agents that I am "too nice." I just don't know how to be any other way than the way that I am. Or maybe I know but I don't want to be any other way. Not sure about that.

I do know that four months have gone by where I am constantly filling my car with gas, paying to attend seminars and have nothing to show for it.

Open Houses

Today I did an open house. It was the kind that make you wonder if you ever want to do another one. WE blow up balloons at work and today everyone was late and there were half a dozen people waiting. I had to jump in when I got a chance and blow up my dozen or so. I then jumped in the car and drove half an hour to the town where I had to plant a half dozen signs in strategic places. (Literally at times jumping out of the car at a red light to plant a sign with balloons attached to it.) I then make my way to the house where I find this sweet elderly couple. Couldn't have been any nicer but the gentleman was cold this morning and had cranked his heat up to 80. It was 80 outside now and I think the house was pushing 90. The air was so stuffy I don't think any windows have been opened in the last few years, seriously. They did a quick run through of their home, a pretty nice home actually but needed updating. There was also way too much furniture in each room making each one seem small and hard to navigate through. They left and only a disappointing three people came to view it. I was awake early this morning and it was hard to stay awake! Thankfully I had bought a bottle of water with me. At some point I had to open the front door and let some fresh air blow into my lungs. Finally........it was time to go.I was elated. Reversed the order of the signs, picking them up and headed home. I had only had a bowl of cereal early this morning and was starving. I am exhausted.I am still trying to figure out why someone who hangs their clothes out back so they smell fresh never opens their windows. I meet so many people and the more I meet the more I realize what a vast variety of people there are in the world. I like that. I enjoy the characters that come through. I enjoy meeting new people. I guess I will be up for another open house when the time rolls around. Especially when I come home to a nice clean house. The laundry I started early this morning was finished and put away and I had a nice fresh kitchen floor to walk on. The simple things in life that make me happy...going barefoot on a clean kitchen floor.Maybe I can catch a quick nap before viewing my Sunday night programs. Hope you had a good weekend.

Jealousy

This week I have been giving a lot of thought to jealousy. That is the word my mother likes to use about the members of my family. There are five children in my family. The oldest and youngest brothers were given two acres of valuable land, one had a farm house on it which was restored (with my father providing his labor and an interest free loan). My other brother was set up in a trucking business which my father bankrolled. This business went belly up. From the time I could walk, my oldest brother quickly made sure I was in his shadow. He always screamed the loudest, throwing tantrums while I was the passive child. He was physically abusive at times and once punched me so hard that I had a bloody nose for hours. I was six at the time. My parents always justified what he did. For a time he became an alcoholic and was just about to lose his wife and two young boys when she forced him to sober up. At that point he became a born again zealot. My parents ate that up. Just a few short years ago he forged my father's name on a legal document so that when he chose to sell the house that my father had virtually given him, he could wave the clause saying my father had to agree to the sale. He made a handsome profit on that deal. My sister and I were always told that we had married well and that we didn't need my parents help. That certainly changed for both of us. My sister has been separated from her abusive husband for eight years and their divorce will be final any day. She looses her support now that her daughter graduates from college this weekend. I gave up alimony when I married the man I love. We both struggle. Despite the change in situations, my parents still justify every thing they do which is only to benefit two of their sons. You would think my mother, being a woman would want to support her daughters. My mother is uneducated. She has never read a book from cover to cover. She only worked one year of her life and then her aunt was her boss. She has never grocery shopped, my father has always done that. He pays the bills. While this may sound like he is controlling, she puts her foot down whenever it suits her. Case in point: my father owns another large piece of land. I was told that if I became an agent, I could list and sell this land. My father offered me MORE than the commission I would charge. This was one of the reasons I got into real estate. As soon as I was able to list it, my mother flatly refused to sign the listing papers. I am still shocked. Later she said that my father had promised to sell that piece of land (cheaply) to my one brother. She plans to do that when something happens to my father. The ONE TIME my father was going to do something for me, she vetoed it. Now, I ask myself, do I feel jealous of my brothers? I do not. I feel resentful. Over the years, I have come to the realization that it is not my brother's fault. It is my parents fault. Who is going to tell their parents not to give them things because it is unfair to their siblings? There might be a few people out there who would do it, but I don't think most people would.

There were two people in my lives that really turned my eyes green. The monster of jealousy possessed me for ahwile. Those were my first love and later my ex husband. I have given a lot of thought to that. After much thought, I realize what it was that made me so jealous. It was insecurity. Although they both professed great love, I always felt that they had one foot out the door so to speak. My first love told me daily how beautiful I was. When we were out I would watch other girls look at him. Once one gave him her phone number in front of me. I knew he was curious about what it would be like to be with other girls sexually. Finally, I broke up with him because I anticipated that curiousity to overwhelm him at some point. Now, being the person that I am with maturity, I know he would never have acted on that.
My ex husband never spoke about other women until after we were married. At that point I began to hear all about the many women he had slept with. That really wounded me. I began to anticipate the time when he would leave. Once I found pictures, like trophies, in his closet.
I became so insecure that I battled depression on and off for years. He had a seizure which wiped out his memory of recent years and instead of reciting the lies I had heard, I now learned the truth about many things. At that point I began to realize what a lie our relationship had been. Finally, I could take no more and had to get out. For my self preservation. The jealousy went away because I was on my own and finally starting to rebuild my self esteem, bit by bit.
At that point I met Rob. Rob only builds me up. He has never done or said anything to make me feel insecure or jealous. I trust him. That's a great feeling.
So my conclusion is that jealousy comes from insecurity. Since I have never felt security with my parents in any way shape or form, perhaps I am jealous of my siblings but I don't think so.
Even though my parents have quickly repeated things to stir up trouble, I am quick to call them all and set things straight. I don't believe any of them have issues with me, if they do I have never given them any cause to. This week I wrote my mother a lengthy email and tried to explain this to her. I asked her to stop talking about me with siblings and asked her TO help my sister-in-law rather than blaming me for not helping her. When I look at my mother's life I pity her. She has no friends, a family who is constantly battling, and in her words "one of the worst marriages she knows of." On the other hand, this is the life she chose. For years she blamed her five children for her misery. In truth, she took the easy way out for herself. Perhaps in the end what seemed to be so easy wasn't. I'm just glad my sister and I are so opposite of the example we saw in her. We were forced to become strong women and we have.

Thank you friends........

I have received such great comments and some private emails as well. Thank you so much for all the support. I think it's even freeing for people who want to post comments. I strongly feel that Google should not be a search for journal comments. Don't they have more important topics to spend time on?

I have a busy day today. On Thursday we have "brokers open houses" which are the best part of being a realtor. The listing agent opens the home up and serves lunch to other realtors. It's a great thing to do for the homeowner because then if I have actually seen the house I am more likely to remember it and be able to discuss it with potential buyers in greater detail. I try to do 2 a week so that I am current on the inventory out there. The delicious Chinese food often served is just a bonus. I am also answering phones at the office tonight on the late shift. I bring other paper work in case it's slow and we have computers we can work on. There is always something to do. Once I make a connection with someone I like to send them a friendly reminder periodically to let them know I have not forgotten them.

On the homefront my sister-in-law Jennifer is still in the hospital. We are hopeful her body can tolerate the radiation they are giving. She is very weak but they feel the only hope to give her the year they are trying to give her is to get the area irradiated before the tumor has a chance to grow back. My mother-in-law has had to take a leave of absence from work to deal with all of this. We are trying to send thoughtful cards and notes to all three of them as well as frequent phone calls. My mother-in-law had internet service put in yesterday so we are hoping to be able to email her. We feel guilty at being so far away and guilty a bit for being relieved that we don't have to live it up close day in and day out. It's such a hard thing to deal with. Rob was there and lived it with his father. I fear my mother-in-law will fall apart at a later time when she has the luxury of time to think and let it all sink in.

Whew I can breathe again..........

I have decided, upon the advice of some trusted friends here, to make my blog available only to certain viewers. That way I can say anything I like, feeling that if you are invited to be here, you are friend, not foe.

The past few months have been so stressful for me and I absolutely have to unwind. Making a blog, screen name and email with my actual name, (PREVIOUS TO USING IT FOR BUSINESS) was a mistake in hindsight. People have googled my name and read blog comments and it has been passed on to me that is why I was not hired for jobs that they otherwise loved me for.
As a real estate agent some people (as well as other agents) go to great lengths to try to cause problems for people. In the real estate world I carry insurance, much like malpractic insurance.
There are state and federal guidelines I must be careful to follow. If I do not, I am fined quickly and seriously. I can lose my license even, although I have spent thousands of dollars to be at this point where I am now. The previous business I worked for has warned me, actually asked me to sign legal documents for their secrecy. I had signed a privacy agreement when I was hired and I have, and continue to plan to uphold those confidences. In fact, I felt it was insulting to be asked.
The previous employer was a friend of over twenty years. She admitted that things were not fair to me, asked me how to rectify it and when I told her that I felt it best that I go elsewhere she was furious. It became a personal attack with wild accusations that she could not prove.
In the end nothing that she swore was going to happen did and she looked a bit paranoid.
I stay out of her way, don't even speak to her and I have learned that just four months since I left, she has had to sell the business, unable to shoulder the burden of it any longer. That certainly felt like validation to me. I am not a bitter person. I am far from perfect and I know thaqt others err as well. Fine, no problem but I have a problem with having lies told about me.
I feel that I am honest and with integrity. I think when I worked in a business for a year and a half and that was seen on a daily basis, it is absurd to claim otherwise.

I have tried to move on forging a new business in the neighboring town where I live. It has been difficult because our area is dense with realtors. Many are honest and there are others who my one friend refers to as "sharks". They will steal your clients in a heartbeat. I have only met one or two of them so count myself lucky. I have a few buyers I have been working with. It's a bit difficult because it takes time to learn what they really like and do not like. Often they think they like something but reality shows otherwise. It is not uncommon to have first time home buyers want a mansion. Of course it would have to be priced at about half the actual value!
Sometimes it takes months for people to see that they have to be realistic about their budget.
All the while you are waiting for the reality to set in, you must be patient and gently lead them towards that revelation. Some agents have shown people homes for over a year before they found one they liked. We can be talking as high as one hundred homes! Mind you, this is with gas prices ever climbing and realtors work on commission only in my area. You work hard for every dollar you earn. The more diligent you are, the more that is true.

I am not sure if I have the financial means, unless I get more clients to stay with this. I do like people, I really do. I love introducing people to a house they love. I love helping people, even when they are a bit difficult. I am hoping I can hang in there and go the distance. Right now I have a referral in the works (thank you to my cousin in Maryland) and I have people who I believe are ready to write a contract in the next ten days. So.......progress is happening just not at the pace I had hoped for. I keep telling myself patience is a virtue. I guess I am not too virtuous......well that's another post.

Learning Not to Speak

I am a very open and honest person. Sometimes I just say whatever comes to mind. That has come back to kick me in the rear end more than once. I have learned recently that there are people who like to repeat such things and take great delight in doing so. I have never been one who has enjoyed hurting or embarassing others so this is foreign to me. I am now starting to wonder if sharing thoughts is what I want to do as freely as I have in the past.

I am going through a lot of soul searching. Trying to figure things out which I thought I had already done. Trying to understand what motivates people, or not.

Last week I had some very frustrating things happen. At times like this I feel that perhaps I should delete my blog for my own safety.

My son came for Mother's Day with some thoughtful books he had bought for me. I did a lot of gardening the past few days. I take great pleasure in the planting and viewing the end product. I find peace in my participation with nature. Once things begin to grow I will take some pictures.

A Mother's Day Lament...........

I know it's Mother's Day and many people will sing the virtues of their mothers. How I envy those people. How I envy my sister-in-law who is so ill but has a mother ever by her side and helping her in every way.

Throughout my life I have had inner conflict. Being taught by society and by church school that I should honor, obey and have my mother on a pedestal. Her mother has her on one. Throughout life I have always felt unsupported, a second class person compared to my brothers, and unworthy of any of my parents financial support which my brother's freely received. I do not blame my brothers. It is not their fault. It is the fault of my parents. My mother played a game which I only recently came to understand. It's pitting all of her children against each other. Recently she did another one of these acts. When I inquired about it from a sister-in-law she told me that my mother had told her that she couldn't come to her house after her surgery because her daughters were so jealous of her. This was almost laughable because my mother never came to my house and helped me when I had cancer or open heart surgery. Now she chooses to put that blame on her daughters as opposed to being honest and saying "I don't want to help you." She has never said that to me either. She just let me get out of her car after my radiation treatments, carrying my then three year old son and drove off leaving me there to be deathly ill for the next many hours alone with a toddler. She wouldn't take me for those treatments unless I gave her money for gas and treated her for food. At the time I was barely making ends meet. I am hoping writing about this will free me from some of the pain I have carried for years over this. It took me awhile to understand that this was not my fault.
I wanted it to be my fault because that meant I didn't have an uncaring mother. When my mother was recently ill I did a lot to help her. It doesn't matter what I ever do. It will never be reciprocated.

So today when I think of mothers I feel cheated. That is the honest truth. Yesterday I went out to my mailbox and there was a beautiful card with some money in it from my mother-in-law.
I am not a mother of her grandchildren. It was a motherly gesture that touched my heart.
I will never forget watching her with her daughter last weekend. I went through that with my son some many years ago. I am happy to say that I am not the type of mother that my mother has been to me. I have made sacrifices for my child and never regretted it. I cannot control who my mother was, only what kind of mother I am.

To all the mothers who made their children (biological or otherwise) or granchildren feel loved or cared for I salute you. Happy Mother's Day.

Finally.........some wonderful news

This is my husband, Rob and myself with our beloved niece, Cassie.

Last night I got a phone call with some great news. The doctors were able to remove nearly all of the tumor in my sister-in-law's skull. After eight hours of surgery they did an MRI which showed a small piece remaining near her neck. They are going back in this morning to remove that. She had told me that if they were able to get it all they felt she would go at least a year before a recurrence. They will radiate her head in a few short days to further prevent it's return. I am at least enjoying some good news and once again feeling hopeful. Another year is a wonderful thing to have with your child. I cannot wait until she is well enough to view the video we made of her daughter that day.

The sun is shining and the birds are singing and my heart is filled with gratitude and hope.

It's a grand feeling. Last night I went to see a woman who is going to have me list her house and find her and her children a new home. She was a beautiful soul and I look forward to working with her. It seems like things are going well all the way around. I have a full day today.

I will be going to have the pictures I took of the home put into a portfolio to show. I have much to do but it's all exciting and today my mind can be at ease for the first time in months.

Pretty as a Picture

This was the angel, our niece on her special day last Saturday. I had the priviledge of getting her dressed.

Her Mom was able to attend a brief part of the service. When we returned home she was feeling poorly and had to return to bed. The morphine which is necessary for the pain had her sick to her stomach. A large turnout of family was present and the sisters of her grandmother provided a wonderful luncheon. I have to say that my mother-in-law has an unusually generous and loving family. I found myself being envious of that. Her brothers were working on her sump pump and dehumidifier and put a new handle on the toilet. Her sisters chipped in for food and prepared it and were constantly offering her emotional support. On Sunday there was a May parade at the church where Cassie had to wear her dress again. We let my mother-in-law go and we stayed to "babysit" the patient and we cleaned a bit. I felt guilty as she thanked us for every little thing we did. I felt like there was so much more we should be doing.

Today my sister-in-law is having more surgery. She looked so very feeble that I had a hard time understanding why they could not wait. Her tumor has grown to four times the size it was. That is why they had to go in quickly. It is heartbreaking to watch her go through this.

At least her daughter had her there for the day. That was what we had all hoped for. I just wish she could have enjoyed the celebration. Sometimes life is hard and this is one of these times. It's hard to know what to do or say. As weak as she was when Jen opened her eyes and saw us she thanked us for coming, apologized for sleeping through our visit and told us she loved us. We told her that we were happy to see her, she needed sleep to regain her stength and we loved her. We can only offer support and prayers and hope that will make some difference.

Wednesday at the Looney Bin

Today I took a much needed day off. I have been going nonstop since last Tuesday.

Firstly I decided to clean off my desk top. I am organizing things and I have more papers than I could ever explain. Forms for everything. I then went outside and dared to open my trunk.

All kinds of papers get put in there. I carry two boxes in it. One for open house items and another for listing presentation/seller items. They both needed a thorough sorting and they got it. I then noticed I was not thrilled with my profile and I tweeked that. I think it came out pretty well. I am having trouble with my printer jamming. I have purchased many different weights of paper and it just pulls in several pieces at once. I think I may have to purchase another one.

This weekend is the long awaited communion for our niece. It will be bittersweet. We are heading up on Friday morning. At the same time my mother-in-law will be heading up to Boston to pick up my sister-in-law. She will be home for the weekend, unless problems arise which mean she will return to the hospital. Next week on the 8th she will be having another major surgery trying to remove the 1/3 of the tumor they didn't get last time. Right now she cannot even walk with a walker. It will be difficult to get her in and out of the church. I am planning to take a video at the house and many pictures so her daughter will never forget this special day.

I just hope nothing prevents her Mommy from being there but there is always that possibility.

I have purchased many things that I give away to my clients. Among them was a card that had the "Ten Commandments for Pet Owners". I love it so much I wanted to share it here. Anyone who has ever had a pet will relate to it.

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you will be very painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want from me. Do not break my spirit with your temper, thought I will always forgive you. Your patience will beach me more effectively.

3. Please have me spayed or neutered.

4. Treat me kindly, my beloved friend, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for your kindness than mine. Don't be angry with me for long, and don't lock me up as punishment. After all, you have your job, your friends, your entertainment. I only have you.

5. Speak to me often. Even though I don't understand your words, I understand your voice when it's speaking to me. Your voice is the sweetest sound I ever hear, as you must know by my enthusiasm whenever I hear your footsteps.

6. Take me in when it's cold and wet. I'm a domestic animal and am no longer accustomed to the bitter elements. Keep my bowl filled with water. Feed me good food so that I may stay well to romp, and play and do your bidding. By your side, I stand ready, willing and able to share my life with you, for that is what I live for. I'll never forget how well you've treated me.

7. Don't hit me. Remember, I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hand, but I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, have been out in the sun too long or my heart may be getting weak.

9. Take care of me when I get old. You will grow old, too.

10. When I am old, or when I no longer enjoy good health,please do not make heroic efforts to keep me going. I am not having fun. Just see to it that my trusting life is taken gently. Be with me on that difficult journey when it's time to say goodbye. Never say "It's too difficult to watch."

Everything is easier for me when you are there. I will leave this earth knowing that with my last breath that my fate was always safest in your hands. I love you.

* in loving memory of Sandie Sheltie Lass, you live in my heart forever and it was a pleasure to be with you for sixteen years, even the last heartbreaking minutes when your suffering ended

It's been two years and I still miss you fluffernutter....and I think I always will*

I love Sundays

Many good things happen on Sundays. Some Sundays I work but it doesn't matter...it's still Sunday and I like this day. One very good thing that happens on Sundays is the new post
at POST SECRET. I don't know if you have ever checked this out but I really like this site.
It makes me do a lot of thinking. I often wonder how many people get great relief from sharing their secret, even though it's anonymously. I have about three secrets that I rarely share.
All three would shake the people whothink they know me well. I am great at keeping secrets.
Even ones that I wish I had never known. I often wonder why people are compelled to share their secret. I always fear that if you tell the wrong person that someday your secret could be used to bring hurt to others. That is the last thing I want. Even if the others caused me pain I could not derive pleasure from theirs. Sometimes I think that is something that makes my existence harder for me. Many others who seem to enjoy inflicting pain seem to relieve themselves by doing so. I cannot relate to that at all.

It's beautiful outside and I am not sure just how to enjoy that: gardening or just relaxing.
I'll figure it out.

The weekend off

This started out to be a bad week. My sister-in-law was hospitalized again. Her incision from her surgery has not healed. She was leaking spinal fluid and they are dealing with that right now. My mother-in-law has been taking off work and driving over an hour each way to see her. We have had a hard time keeping in touch with updates. We finally had a room phone number but when one is on morphine they are a bit difficult to communicate with. At least we know she is resting comfortably. This entire week has been one where it's been difficult to unwind or sleep. I am feeling exhausted and nothing I do seems to help.

The weather today was beautiful. Sunny and bright and warm. We went out for lunch.
We came home and sat outside for awhile. My son came over and we chatted with him. He has been reading the DSM and I am not sure this is a good thing. He has theorized that an intelligent person could easily convince professionals they were sane, despite their issues. Yes, I know that and find it scary. Particularly in light of the Virginia massacre.

Today I found a real bright spot. For those of you journalers who read Pennie's blog, there was wonderful news. She is home and a post from her is in the journal. I am so thrilled that she is now back at home and doing well. She is a courageous woman and an inspiration to all.

WELCOME HOME PENNY!

I H8 Verizon.........and guns

Yesteday I noticed that only one phone in my house, the downstairs one, was ringing and it was only a partial ring at best. Later as the day progressed, it stopped ringing altogether, although callers were put into my voice mail. I am so sorry that I switched my phone to FIOS and so are my neighbors. The ones who switched their television cable service are very upset. Rightly so.
Verizon never did come and fix the hole in my garage wall as promised, or send me paperwork to pay for the electrical repair as promised and now the phone service I was promised over and over again would not be problematic when it rained is worse than ever. Sorry, Verizon but you have the worst customer service I have ever received and I am now contemplating switching my computer and phone service over to cable. One of the reasons I didn't do it before was that you advertised that if the power went out you still had phone service. NOT TRUE with FIOS.
You have only have phone service as long as the back up battery has a charge which I was told might be 8 hours. Thinking of the storm where we lost power for 5 days that wouldn't be much of a help. When I pointed this out to a Verizon tech he told me that I would still have a cell phone. I had to point out to him that my cell gets charged by ELECTRICITY. It took him a few minutes to take my point. While this is highly annoying and frustrating and I am missing yet another day of work today.................this pales in comparison to what happened yesterday in Virginia.

When are we going to wake up and stop allowing people in this country to walk into a store and buy a gun? I am so sick of hearing that guns don't kill people, people kill people. If someone approaches me to kill me with hand to hand combat I have time to react. Not so with a speeding bullet. I think of all these students whose lives were snuffed out, and the wonderful professors whose lives were lost so senselessly. I have to wonder if there had been a major attempt to evacuate the campass quickly if there would have been less victims. If there are major alarms for theft, aren't the lives of people worth so much more? Why not a major horn system to alert students to evacuate a such a place? It sickens me that our world has come to this. I want to know what could make a person do such a thing. I am angry and I hope the person who sold this guy the guns loses a damn lot of sleep. Then I hope he sells his gun shop and becames an enemy of the NRA. I know I have.

The post Easter Noreaster

We had quite the storm yesterday. I had planned to do an open house in an adult community and we agreed that no one there would be venturing out. I was relieved. The winds were very loud at times. This morning I have discovered my phone lines are not working properly. I feel lucky that the computer connection seems ok, if not a tad bit slow. ONLY my downstairs phone is ringing, none of the three upstairs. Tried to call Verizon but they are inundated with calls and I get a message advising me to call back. Glad I have service although I was cut off twice during the calls that did make it through.

My friend who owns a house on the Chesapeake Bay called earlier. She was there alone as her husband drives back to Pennsylvania during the week for his job. The winds were so strong that she was concerned. While we were talking the phone suddenly went dead. Apparently she lost her electricity. I know this because she called later and although my phone didn't ring she left a message. She had left the house there to go stay at a friend's in town. I am so grateful for the convenience of cel phones and somedays I wonder how we ever lived without them. I can only test my phone because I have a cel phone. I cannot count the times that having a cel phone means I don't have to drive back to a place.

This Saturday I took one of my clients out to look at seven homes. That put a bite into my day but when I got home I had the most wonderful dinner waiting for me: talapia with roasted red pepper sauce and bok choy. On Sunday my resident chef made me pan seared chicken breast with eggplant in a marinara sauce and a side of rigatoni after my salad. Delicious and it's a treat to eat a meal that I did not prepare.

On Sunday I got a phone call from my friend I met in 5th grade, Karan. She relocated to Texas many years ago and I have only seen her twice since then. Normally we are in touch a few times a year but over a year had slipped by. I had forgotten to notify her of an email change and we were out of touch. Her home was still under repairs. It was hit hard by Hurricane Katrina and just as those repairs were done, another hit. She has replaced the flooring in her downstairs three times. I cannot imagine what that is like. Hopefully I will never know. She was saying how it seems things are never complete before you begin again. She is a social worker who runs a big program of case managers and often puts in ten hour days. I don't know how she manages. She is the mother of three who although they appear to be grown seem to still take up a lot of her free time. We laughed about how we thought when our sons were grown we would have all the time in the world to do all the things we still wanted to. I am hoping that sometime in the future I can get to see her home and children and grandchildren. Karan and I have a very special connection. When we met in 5th grade, so did our brothers who were in 7th grade. We were both from families with 5 children. Karan's brother Michael had a beautiful smile and was very handsome. He and my brother Jimmy often went hunting together. Both were very experienced hunters having gone with their fathers from a young age. (I am opposed to hunting UNLESS all the game will be eaten by the hunters and even then I have safety concerns.) One day Michael came to our door and asked if Jimmy could go hunting that day, with him and his older brother, Johnny. My mother said no because it was overcast and beginning to drizzle. Michael left and walked a few minutes to his house and he and John left, with John carrying a 4 10. The following day we learned there was an accident and Michael was dead. John said that the 4 10 had a broken safety and he knew that. He slung it over his shoulder and Michael was walking behind him. All of a sudden he stumbled and the gun went off. The bullet went through Michael's neck much like President Kennedy's injury of a few years earlier. John carried his 14 year old brother to the main road minutes away and frantically tried to flag down a car. Unfortunately several passed him when they saw both young men covered in blood. Finally a trucker stopped and took them to the then new local hospital. Shortly afterwards Michael was pronounced dead. I remember wanting desperately to go to that funeral. My parents wouldn't let me. I think they were in deep shock at the time. I called Karan and I went through that grieving process with her. At times I still visit Michael's grave and knowing that brings her comfort. So many years have passed and still that memory is so vivid in my mind. Karan went through so much losing her brother and the surviving brother fell apart from the incident. Sometimes we talk about Michael and it bothers her that her children will never know him. It comforts her to know that I still see his face in my mind's eye. I made a promise to Michael when he died to always be there for her. Now thousands of miles away, in a sense at least, I am still trying to keep that promise.

Jennifer's Home and I will be honoring her battle with cancer

My sister-in-law Jennifer is finally home from the hospital. As I suspected, her tumor was cancer and the first pathologist got it wrong. They removed 2/3 of it and will have to go back in a few weeks after her daughter's upcoming communion. In the meantime our office is sponsoring a RELAY FOR LIFE and I am part of the team. If you would like to sponsor me you can click MY HOMEPAGE. I am hoping to raise more than the $125 I have promised to. I am thinking that this might cheer her up, although to be honest for someone who has been through what she has, she is in good spirits. I spoke with her earlier and she is hanging in there.

Last Friday I went to my doctor. I have been feeling so very tired and experiencing some dizziness and other things. He saw my last blood work and did some more testing. It seems I have the beginning stage of diabetes. I am a carb junkie. Not sure how I can deal with this one.
I really have to give it a good try, including exercising. The catch 22 is that I am tired and don't feel I have the stamina to exercise but because I'm not the sugar in my system is not being metabolized. I am not a scientist but have done a little reading. I already eat only whole grain bread, cereal and pasta. I will have to do more to monitor hidden carbs though.

We had a nice Easter here. My sister came from upstate New York and her daughter came. She will be graduating with a degree in chemistry in May and head hunters are already contacting her. I am so happy for her. The women of this generation have so many more options than mine did. I guess many women of my generation did have the opportunity for a college education. My father didn't think it was necessary and wouldn't pay for mine. Unfortunately, that lead me to an early marriage and I often think how different my life might have been had he supported that option for me. I did later go to college for three years until my son got sick. After that I just never felt motivated again and when I finally did, I was divorced and didn't have the means.

I am starting to read again and really enjoy that. I feel relaxed in my own skin and that's a very good thing. I just wish my health issues would get resolved and I could enjoy some physical well being along with the mental outlook.

The other day a neighbor asked me if I don't feel cheated after looking at such elegant homes all day and coming home to my modest home. No way! I told her that money can buy a wonderful home but it can't buy you neighbors that are always there to help you. This is the first time in my life I have had neighbors that considered themselves my friends and vice versa. I feel blessed and fortunate to be in a home that I don't have to sit and wonder if I might lose. A small house can hold as much love as a mansion......and mine does.

I get by with a little help from my friends

This has been a frustrating week. When Verizon was here they drilled through two electrical wires. We had no idea what they were. We were told by one neighbor they were to our water meeter. I called the water company and they came today and told me it had nothing to do with them and left. They suggested I call the electric company and I did. They sent out a repairman who assured me that he had never seen what he was looking at before and if it was INSIDE it was not their problem. He did tell me I would not be charged the $85 fee that they sometimes charge to tell you it's not their problem. Thank you kind sir. At this point I figured I might have to call an electrician. We have a wonderful neighbor, Kenny. He is a plumber by trade but more of a jack of all trades. When he came over Rob asked him to pop over for a look see. I baked cookies for him. He took a quick look and told us that it was a small transformer to our DOOR BELL! I then realized that I had not heard my doorbell ring all week. He told Rob that IF Rob could fish out the wires that had been severed he could splice a new wire onto the old ones.
Rob cut the sheetrock and found the missing wires. Kenny came back with wire and spliced them. I now have a doorbell again and Kenny has a belly full of bunny shaped sugar cookies.
The thing that puzzles me is that neither the water guy or electric company guy knew what a doorbell transformer looked like. I know that I will never forget what one looks like. So now, finally my mystery is solved, my doorbell is working again and ONCE Verizon lays the cable in the ground (I mean it's only been laying on the ground for over four days!) I will be all set. Whew. Have I ever mentioned how much I love my neighbors? I love my neighborhood, it's such a melting pot of people and everyone is treated the same......unless they are mean. We like nice people and the vast majority are great people.

My sister-in-law had her surgery. She was in intensive care over night but is doing better.
They were only able to remove 2/3 of her tumor and she will need another surgery in the near future. There is nerve damage and she will have great difficulty swallowing, if she can at all which is questionable. She will most likely need the feeding tube permanently. She already is asking questions which I think is a good sign. Her Mom snapped a photo with her phone to show her little daughter. She seemed to be most interested in the bandage around her mother's head. I scored a great gift to take her today, well actually for the patient AND her daughter. The patient will be getting the most adorable ceramic purse that is a bank and her daughter will be getting a beautiful little bear dressed for her communion and holding a book that says "My first holy communion." How sweet is that? Take my word for it, it's just adorable.

I have done little office work this week but I have been entering all the information for my clients and fellow realtors I know into my OFFICE program. I have imported my work email into the OUTLOOK and that will make things run smoother. At some point I may get a lap top to help me also. I have learned when preparing contracts at work a jump drive can be a great tool. Just do whatever load it up on that and bring it home and load it into my home computer.

It looks like I will be cooking Easter dinner, a spiral ham. My sister is coming from Albany and her two daughters will be here. Probably my parents and us and my son. I'm not going crazy with a ton of side dishes. I want to have a nice meal but then clear away things and enjoy everyone's company. We have some great games we can play.

I wish all of you a Happy Easter. If you don't celebrate Easter, I hope you had a wonderful Passover. It's cold here today, we had a snow shower. So funny to see snow falling on my daffodils that were blooming. Then the sunshine came. Today I was reminded of just how wonderful a little help from a friend/neighbor can be. A little help goes a long way. It lifted my spirits so much. Thank you Kenny for one more ounce of kindness at a time when it meant so much.

Verizon FIOS

Yesterday I waited all day for Verizon to come. I was scheduled for 9:30 a.m. I was told.
Apparently that was not correct. At 11 a.m. I called to ask where they were. I was told that the inquiry would be passed on and that the tech would be contacted and he would contact me.
I was told I would hear shortly. Well over three hours later I called again. Heard the same story again. About 4p.m. I got very impatient. I knew this was a job that would take 4 or more hours.
At that point I insisted on speaking with a supervisor. She was very nice and offered to reschedule but I told her that I had missed work and preferred they still come. The nicest guy Cliff called me at 5:30. He told me that they would have to travel an hour back to the warehouse and get parts for my installation then head over here so it was about two hours from that point that they would arrive. He insisted they were more than willing to come so I told them to come ahead. They arrived at 8 p.m. This was much more involved than I could have imagined. Once they had run the line from the box to the house they needed to make a hole. I showed them that there was an electrical device which was on the inside wall. That device allows the meter to be read from the outside. He told me that they would be careful not to disturb it. COUGH COUGH.
A short time later the apprentice (and honestly a great guy, Jeff) opened the door and told me OOPS they had drilled through one of those wires. I told them just to continue and I would deal with that today. They continued and I am happy to report that they gave me a wireless router as opposed to the corded one I had. Actually it's a DUAL router and by leaving my computer hooked up with the wire my connection is faster. This will enable me if/when I get a lap top to have router access from downstairs. The connection is so much faster than DSL had been. It's a pleasure to have the webpages load so fast.

Early this morning I called the water company to tell them about the box. Cliff said if they hit me for paying for it, they would pay but the man told me they will fix it at no charge. I may end up with another hole in the garage wall though if they cannot fish out the wire. The builder had put in the first one. Oh well. I have to give it to the techs, they were here until just before 1 a.m.
At one point Cliff asked if we could send out for a pizza and I realized they hadn't stopped for dinner. I made them cheese steaks. It's important for me to feel that anyone who does work in my house still receives hospitality. They were very appreciative. I have been shocked at stories some workmen have told me while I am serving them coffee. Sometimes homeowners do not permit them to use their bathrooms.

My sister-in-law is undergoing her surgery. I am anxiously waiting for news but it's only 1:45 and we don't expect to hear anything before 4 at the very earliest. My poor mother-in-law is at the hospital by herself today. Her sister is helping by being there for our niece. She's in school and then goes to after school program when the aunt will pick her up and take her back to the house. I am hoping my mother-in-law will be able to drive home tonight and tuck her granddaughter in. They are very close. I must keep very busy and I have many cleaning jobs I am going to tackle.

To blog or not to blog

I am in a deep funk. Each time I go to make an entry a voice in my head tells me that there is nothing I can talk about that people want to hear. Unfortunately, not many things are going right for me. The scale is tipped and the good stuff doesn't hold a candle to the bad.
I spent several stress filled days putting a deal together per a client's request only to have him decide not to present it. He will lose the opportunity to purchase this home and I fear he will deeply regret it. Now I must begin a new search for another home. I'm tired. Gas is expensive.

I have not felt well since Friday. Rob and I have not had the same day off in the past 8 weeks. Until today. He didn't feel well and slept a lot. It was disappointing. Usually Lent is a time of religious observance for me. This year I have not done one thing to make it so. I am disappointed in myself.

Tomorrow Rob's sister goes into the hospital for a test. On Tuesday they do the surgery to remove the cancerous tumor in her skull. It's scary. I don't even know if we will be able to get updates if his Mom remains at the hospital. I mean, I just don't think calling us will be a priority for her.

Tomorrow Verizon is coming to install FIOS for my computer. While I hope to be pleased with the results, it's a lengthy installation. It's supposed to rain all week and it is already getting cold again. My usually sunny outlook seems to be having an eclipse. I don't know how to fix it.

Spring has Sprung

Yesterday we had a magnificent day here, 74 and beautiful sunshine. I was caught up with work until about 2 but got home in time to take Duffy and Smokey outside to enjoy it which they did.

I am upgrading my computer connection. I don't know if anyone else has upgraded to FIOS.
They ran the lines a few weeks ago. The internet connection is supposed to be faster than cable. The best part is that I can get unlimited long distance AND computer connection (including a wireless router free) for under $70. I now use a wired router which means we are confined to the upstairs only. If I opt for a business laptop up the road I will really enjoy being able to use it downstairs or on the patio. I realize that if I went with all cable the phone would be less but our neighbors have done that and when they lose the cable they have no phone service. That can be a real problem and I don't want it.

Am working hard on a business deal. There is a lot of work that goes on behind the scenes when people buy a home. Mortgage approval, negotiation of the contract, inspections etc. Right now I have written a contract but it has not been presented yet, waiting for one of the parties to be present. I am remaining calm.......so far. One of my coworkers recently remarked how odd it is when you see that two people who are married for years are on totally different pages about what they want. Normally the wife is going on emotion "I LOVE this" while the husband is the voice of practicality. It's a real study in people. I enjoy working with people and I find there is always something I learn from each person that I deal with. Keeps it fresh.

Time to go shower and get to a training session this morning. My office is wonderful, we have weekly training and so much more. It's a great support system.

Pass the chicken soup!

I woke up yesterday with a sore throat. This is one of those colds that starts out like a sore throat and then escalates. I did a few things I had to today then came home and have nursed my throat with tea and it now wants chicken soup. My throat does not give a damn that today is a lenten Friday. I say if you're sick then you have a dispensation. I deem it so and I will be having my chicken soup. I will do a good deed. That good deed will be to control my temper which right now could be set off.

I have to wonder about a lot of things these days. Do people NOT have any loyalty anymore?
When you spend days working with someone, filling your tank with gas, putting miles on your car do they not feel loyalty? Do they feel it's okay to meet another agent and tell them that no they are not working with anyone and then allow that person to pressure them into doing something that even they don't feel is right? I don't get it. I have bought three houses. Each time I had ONE person who was taking me around. That person handled any inquiries I had. ALL three times I purchased the second house I looked at. Damn, I never knew just how easy I was!
I thanked the person for their time spent and I truly appreciated it. I find that either I was very strange or the world has changed. Now people do not seem to feel loyal in such circumstances.
I have decided that I deserve to be treated better than that.

I'm cranky and I think I need a nap and some more hot beverages......and maybe some chocolate. Yea that's the ticket.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I was supposed to take a client out today. I really like this couple and am excited to be helping them find a home. She agreed that the roads were dangerous early in the a.m. when we had planned to go and we have pushed it off until next Saturday.

I did my usual meal and although it was delicious it was a lot of work. I just love having the leftovers and if we go out we don't get them. To be honest, I feel that my corned beef and cabbage (with my secret ingredient: Guinness) is better than any I have had anywhere.
The soda bread was scrumptious and I wish my internet friends could pop in for some and a nice cup of tea. I am trying to watch my carbs. My bloodwork is indicating my sugar is too high and my doctor thinks I may be predisposed to diabetes which is in my family. I hate needles and would not want to have to deal with more medicine. I am hoping I can control my eating better and avoid dealing with it in the future.

Today, as on every day where we are focused on the Irish, I miss my grandfather. He was an important person in my life. My Dad was in the Navy and my mother was not one to travel.
Much of that time I lived with my grandparents in their tiny house. I still have my grandmother at 94 but I lost him about twenty years ago. I still miss him. When I was only about ten he had a very bad heart attack. We rushed to the hospital to be with him and he kept telling me not to worry. He was in his fifties and shortly after that he had to retire. Over the next few years he had a series of strokes. I always rushed to be at his side and it was always he who comforted me. When I had cancer and had to have radiation treatments he came to New Jersey and took me for one. He was an emotional person and it really got to him. He nearly fainted. He was always there for his grandchildren. After his last stroke, he was a shadow of the person he had been. It was so hard to watch. One of the last days I spent with him we were in the kitchen eating breakfast. He kept looking at me and I asked him if he was okay. He nodded but didn't really seem too alert that morning. I got up and went to sit on the sofa and he suddenly stood up on his own, got his walker and followed me. He came right over to me and began to cry and said "I love you honey." I couldn't believe it. I jumped up and hugged him and told him I loved him more.
A minute later he slipped back into the shadows. It was a magical moment and I will never forget it. Within a few months he was gone. I was blessed to have had him, my Irish grandfather.

Is the glass half empty or half full

The case for half empty

I am so tired and not sleeping properly. From time to time this plagues me and when I do sleep I am having vivid nightmares about ghosts which don't really frighten me normally. These dreams are quite interesting once my heart stops pounding.

Our magnificent weather of several days has changed. We experienced rain last night, sleet and hail this morning and are now receiving several inches of snow. The roads are a sheet of ice. I went out for a prescription and slid all over the road before turning back. I will suffice with the lower dosages until road conditions improve.

My visit to my cardiologist was the same old/same old. I keep hoping one day he will have some really good news for me like I can go off of some of the costly prescriptions.

My grandmother told me again today that my siblings do not want to hear from me because all I do is complain. (How dare I complain about something as insignificant as heart surgery!) The hardest part of hearing that is that I only talk to them once or twice a year. By the way, siblings all deny saying this but Grandma tells me next time I should tell them they are lying, a word she rarely uses.

The case for half full

I have a wonderful friend, lover and companion in Rob....when all else walk away he will still be there doing whatever I need

This morning when I couldn't stop the skidding and thought I might actually end up dead

or seriously injured I quickly thought that if I remained calm (and didn't jerk the wheel) that I would be okay and I was.......

I also felt that a quickly mumbled prayer was answered so I guess God isn't sick of hearing me

I have wonderful caring neighbors

I have loved and been loved

I am still alive and ticking (literally)

I have courage to try to make things better

I know that tomorrow will be another chance to try again

I am struggling to focus on the good, the positive.

Sunshine, Blue Skies and a Lazy Afternoon

Today the weather was simply gorgeous. The sunshine with a high in the 70s. They had predicted rain last night but so happy they were wrong. I stood outside chatting with a neighbor for over an hour and just soaked up the sun.

I did two evening shifts in two consecutive days. That's what I get for being nice and trading places with coworkers. My hubby has worked overtime every night and doesn't get home until 7:30. He is hungry, thirsty and wanting human companionship. When I evenings I don't get home until 9 or later. He's on his own. When I get home I am hungry but don't want to eat that late at night. Of course I rush through the door and want to see what's going on with Idol. Then I have to rewind the tape to see the part I missed before I can make my informed choice. It seems to be that LaKisha aka Kiki is my frontrunner. I'm telling you the FIRST time I saw and heard her I thought of Gladys Knight. When she did Midnight Train to Georgia I was loving it.
I think she has what it takes. Melinda has a solid voice too but to be honest, sometimes I wonder about her. I love Motown. When someone like Blake does what he did, it's just mindblogging to someone like me. It's like Sponge Bob trying to sing Beatles music. Don't go there. Just don't.

Well, I am thinking I might get a tiny nap in before the furboys go on their food demand for the evening meal. I have to be rested up for tonight's TV viewing. I hope Diana does at least one of her classics.

Back to Work...........

Today is beautiful and Springlike. I seized the opportunity to walk door to door and distribute items I had purchased with my name and business phone numbers on them. Remember when you receive those items they are not cheap. Do not throw them out. Put them to good use! I tied them neatly in bags and left those for those who were not home when I arrived. It might go up as high as 60 degrees today! The sun is so bright I had to wear shades!

I am feeling better today. This weekend I was on a new medicine and it kicked my asthma into high gear. I was wheezing so badly last night that I could hardly breathe. Of course, I am also thinking that Spring allergies may be at least partly to blame. I never did get my rosebush planted. Rob didn't sleep at all Saturday night and then yesterday we both catnapped all day.
Or we tried to. Our phone which rarely rings, was ringing off the hook each time we fell asleep. Our neighbor who comes no more than four times a year, came over and woke us up twice. Murphy's Law I guess. Just in time for St. Paddy's Day too. I have my Saturday dinner purchased and ready to cook. I always make it fresh, including the Irish Soda Bread. Honestly, mine is better than any other I have ever tasted. I got the recipe from Irish America Magazine.
They got it from Ireland. I have a great wreath on my front door, complete with tiny green bowlers and some green wee beer mugs. We have Irish stuff around all year long. Still, I keep a few things that I only bring out once a year. Have you seen the advertisement for Guinness where the three guys get up and it's just like Christmas but all gifts are wrapped in green and are Guinness? It's so funny. In a perfect world maybe.

Well I have to be in to work at 6 tonight until 9. I have already run a few errands and am ready for a rest! Of course I just know that if I actually nod off the phone will ring immediately! If I believed in curses, I would swear someone put one on this house that no human is to actually get restful sleep. If anyone knows a remedy for the antisleep curse, please let me know.

Other Pics I had wanted to post

The picture on the top is Rob's sister hugging her daughter when she was about 5 yrs old.

It wasn't the best picture ever taken of her but I like it very much.

This picture on the bottom was Rob holding our niece, then 3 and his sister Jennifer about half an hour before our wedding. Surprise! They were in the bar and Rob was having a Guinness. Jen later snuck in the bride room and snapped some shots of me with my friends.

Jennifer learned yesterday that the tumor in her head is cancer. We had hoped that the second doctor was right but sadly, the other two doctors were right. Her new surgery is scheduled for April 3rd. Please keep her in your prayers. We are hoping that she will be recovered enough for her daughter's first communion on May 5th. We have promised her we will arrive on Friday the 4th and do the food for the next day. I hope to get pictures that day and I hope that we can all celebrate and enjoy the day.

Blogger Issues Resolved?

Top O the morning!

I am hoping that I finally have fixed my computer issue with blogger. It seems I needed to download SP2, my computer which is three or four years old only had 1, not 2. Before I could do this download yesterday I found that my computer had not alerted me to 67 updates. It needed to do all of them before I could download SP2. It took about five hours in total, even though I have DSL and not dial up to get all of this done but this morning after clearning the cache as a safeguard, I once again have my tool bar across the top, allowing for text colors and photos. Hopefully this is now resolved because every now and then I just want to post a pic.

I have given myself a weekend off work unintentiaonally. Long story which I won't explain. Ironically Rob has worked overtime the past three nights and is working again today. I was hoping to sleep in but scratching paws on my bedroom door thought otherwise. Perhaps a nap later as I never feel truly rested.

Yesterday my anniversary gift arrived and I am so excited. Mind you, my anniversary was August 31 but they only ship these twice a year. It's a Princess Diana of Wales rose bush. It even came with a garden stake identifying it. I am trying to figure out the perfect place in my yard for it. Someplace sunny but not too dry or damp. When I told my grandmother she was so excited I wish I had ordered one for her. I probably could but hers wouldn't be shipped until the Fall and she will be 95 in July. Not sure she could plant it with the digging required. I wish I could make a plan for my yard and do flower gardens. I simply love flowers, the beauty of them. It's odd that as I have gotten older my likes have changed. I have become so fond of sunflowers and roses which I didn't care for when I was younger. I have found a variety of sunflower which is much shorter with many smaller heads which I grow now. I save the seeds and use them for the birds. I feed birds all year long in the back bordering the woods. It's so relaxing to watch them. I especially enjoy watching the red headed woodpeckers. We have a cat but he's an indoor cat so he watcheds through the glass patio door for hours. When he was younger his teeth would chatter with excitement but now he's five and seems calmer.

My project today is to clean off my computer desk and tidy up my files. I have so much paper. Even though I have most things in my day planner and computer, I like a back up. I hope everyone has a relaxing weekend filled with memorable moments.

URGENT!!!!!!

You know when we were in Vegas with our friends Debbie and Don for their wedding, we were driving along in a minivan taxi when the song "URGENT" by Foreigner came on. Immediately Debbie and I began to dance in our seats. It was great and her son actually snapped a pic. Since then this song has been running through my mind over and over. I got the McHubby to get it from Itunes then convert it to an MP3 for my computer and even burn it to a CD. I guess that might be overkill for some but I have decided that this must be my theme song and karma reunited me with it. Funny thing is, later Debbie's new husband told her that when he saw us doing that so early in the morning he began to question her sanity. Oh he has so much to learn about us. I love music and it's key in my life.

For some reason, since we switched to the new Blog I am having problems. I cannot post pics on my computer and I lose my entries when I click publish, except for the titles. When I open my entry form there is no bar across the top with the text, picture options at all. Odd. I opened it on Rob's computer and it's all there so it must be some glitch on my computer. Guess I will delete all cookies and see if that helps.

Today is a mental health day. I needed one desperately. I had a friend from the office I used to work in. He was going through a divorce and really troubled. I hated to leave that office, knowing I was one of the few people really concerned about him. I tried to stay in touch but for at least a month he was nowhere to be found. I finally heard from him today. He had a bad month or so but things are going much better for him. He is even back at home where I think he will only get better. This made my day. I truly care about the people I consider to be my friends. Speaking of friends, kudos to Jennifer for giving me the St. Paddy's Day bear and the flaoting shamrocks. She is my blogging mentor. She does a great commentary on American Idol if you haven't checked it out, make your way over there. Link to the right......................hurry up, it's urgent!!!

Going with the flow..........

We made it back safely from our trip to Rhode Island. It was a long ride up with hitting traffic. We arrived Friday evening and took our little group of ladies out to dinner. If you have not had fish and chips at Celo's in Rhode Island and you love fish, put it on your to do list. Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. We got home and everyone was tired and we called it an early night. Saturday we woke up and Jen seemed to have some blurry vision. I wasn't too concerned knowing she is on a lot of meds. We stayed with her while my mother-in-law got her hair and nails done. When she returned home we zipped over to the other sister's house to see her new condo and her two boys (coughdevilscough). We arrived like Santa and Mrs. Claus with many games and crafts for the kids. Adam got a bear that had four sports outfits. We had to dress and redress him every five minutes. His younger brother than discovered that the outfits would also fit his bear so we had two guys to accomodate. Jeanine bought lunch and we stopped to eat. We then received a phone call letting us know that they (McMom and Jen) were on their way to an ER in Boston to have the blurry vision checked out. Jen's daughter wanted to be with us and was waiting at a cousin's house. We zipped over there and picked her up and took her to get lunch. When we arrived home we watched two CDS I had never seen before. One was The Secret Garden and the other The Corpse Bride. My sister-in-law had always talked about loving the story The Secret Garden and we enjoyed it. We made dinner and they didn't make it home from the hospital until 8 p.m. We did enjoy the special time with our niece and promised her we would be there when she makes her first communion on May 5th. There will be a party so we will have to don our chef's aprons and prepare.

The good news is that Jen looks wonderful for someone who has been through what she has. The bad news is that the tumor is pushing on her optical nerve causing problems. Surgery was set for April 3rd but not sure they can wait that long. Three doctors do not agree as to what the prognosis is. One feels it is the same cancer that was in her neck, agressive stuff. The second feels there is hope it is not malignant. The third (a brain surgeon) believes it is malignant but is not the highly agressive cancer they found in her neck. We are all hoping that the second doctor is correct. Having said that there are many serious issues at hand and we are constantly chatting with them, trying to offer support and helpful information. Of utmost concern is Jen's eight year old daughter.

We are not sleeping too well. We are tired all the time. Admidst all this I am trying hard to get business going for myself. It involves a constant outpouring of money at this point. Thing is, it will come back to me eventually. I have never been one to have a lot of patience but I am having to learn to be patient right now as most things for me are a waiting game. I am trying to take time daily to do something that will brighten things for the family up there. Jen loves frogs and my neighbor found one that is like a koosh ball. We got that in the mail to her. I also mailed her an angel that said "My sister's laughter brightens the gloomiest of days."When Jen last saw a doctor, one who was less than warm he gave her a long list of bad news. When he was done he asked her if she had any questions. She looked at him seriously and asked "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck............" he didn't even smile, just walked away. We all laughed when she told us that saying he clearly doesn't understand the type of people that this family are. Irish people are used to dealing with tragedy in this way. You do what you can for the moment, you shrug off the worry and you go on your way. Not such a bad way to be. We got to dispense our gifts and our hugs this past weekend and it was grand. I forgot my card for the camera and batteries but next trip I will make sure I have them so I can post pics.

Stop the Noise in my Head

I am struggling with a host of feelings, not of which are good.
Firstly, my sister-in-law got a positive report at the doctor. This comes on the heels of a very negative report. Now I don't know what to think and it angers me that they give any reports without having and weighing all information first. I want to feel relieved but I'm afraid to, at least just yet.

I am finding the pitfalls of my newfound profession. I just don't have the energy to go into it all but it frustrates me to no end that people don't know what they want. You work hard to help them and then they change their mind and have someone else do what they have now decided they want. So, now I will be smarter and the next people will have to commit to me, IN WRITING before I spend my time with them. My time is my opportunity to make money. I deserve loyalty as do they.

I need to be in more than one place this weekend. I cannot clone myself and I will be hurting someone no matter where I am at.

I want to curl up into a ball (just like a cat) and hibernate for at least a week. I didn't sleep last night. The reason is that my neighbor left her cell phone here and didn't know it. She kept calling the cell phone number to find it in her house but it rang in MY house. It woke me up late and it woke me up early. My stomach was in a knot because the ring was identical to mine and I kept assuming my phone was malfunctioning when it showed that no one had called. In desperation I called the last number that had called me and woke up a potential client. NOT good. This morning I came across the cell phone and realized what had happened. I think this neighbor owes me, what do you think? I am tired and damn cranky and we won't even begin to discuss how much I miss getting a paycheck.

Mr. Sandman please visit me...........soon and for a long visit.