Saturday, May 19, 2007


This week I have been giving a lot of thought to jealousy. That is the word my mother likes to use about the members of my family. There are five children in my family. The oldest and youngest brothers were given two acres of valuable land, one had a farm house on it which was restored (with my father providing his labor and an interest free loan). My other brother was set up in a trucking business which my father bankrolled. This business went belly up. From the time I could walk, my oldest brother quickly made sure I was in his shadow. He always screamed the loudest, throwing tantrums while I was the passive child. He was physically abusive at times and once punched me so hard that I had a bloody nose for hours. I was six at the time. My parents always justified what he did. For a time he became an alcoholic and was just about to lose his wife and two young boys when she forced him to sober up. At that point he became a born again zealot. My parents ate that up. Just a few short years ago he forged my father's name on a legal document so that when he chose to sell the house that my father had virtually given him, he could wave the clause saying my father had to agree to the sale. He made a handsome profit on that deal. My sister and I were always told that we had married well and that we didn't need my parents help. That certainly changed for both of us. My sister has been separated from her abusive husband for eight years and their divorce will be final any day. She looses her support now that her daughter graduates from college this weekend. I gave up alimony when I married the man I love. We both struggle. Despite the change in situations, my parents still justify every thing they do which is only to benefit two of their sons. You would think my mother, being a woman would want to support her daughters. My mother is uneducated. She has never read a book from cover to cover. She only worked one year of her life and then her aunt was her boss. She has never grocery shopped, my father has always done that. He pays the bills. While this may sound like he is controlling, she puts her foot down whenever it suits her. Case in point: my father owns another large piece of land. I was told that if I became an agent, I could list and sell this land. My father offered me MORE than the commission I would charge. This was one of the reasons I got into real estate. As soon as I was able to list it, my mother flatly refused to sign the listing papers. I am still shocked. Later she said that my father had promised to sell that piece of land (cheaply) to my one brother. She plans to do that when something happens to my father. The ONE TIME my father was going to do something for me, she vetoed it. Now, I ask myself, do I feel jealous of my brothers? I do not. I feel resentful. Over the years, I have come to the realization that it is not my brother's fault. It is my parents fault. Who is going to tell their parents not to give them things because it is unfair to their siblings? There might be a few people out there who would do it, but I don't think most people would.

There were two people in my lives that really turned my eyes green. The monster of jealousy possessed me for ahwile. Those were my first love and later my ex husband. I have given a lot of thought to that. After much thought, I realize what it was that made me so jealous. It was insecurity. Although they both professed great love, I always felt that they had one foot out the door so to speak. My first love told me daily how beautiful I was. When we were out I would watch other girls look at him. Once one gave him her phone number in front of me. I knew he was curious about what it would be like to be with other girls sexually. Finally, I broke up with him because I anticipated that curiousity to overwhelm him at some point. Now, being the person that I am with maturity, I know he would never have acted on that.
My ex husband never spoke about other women until after we were married. At that point I began to hear all about the many women he had slept with. That really wounded me. I began to anticipate the time when he would leave. Once I found pictures, like trophies, in his closet.
I became so insecure that I battled depression on and off for years. He had a seizure which wiped out his memory of recent years and instead of reciting the lies I had heard, I now learned the truth about many things. At that point I began to realize what a lie our relationship had been. Finally, I could take no more and had to get out. For my self preservation. The jealousy went away because I was on my own and finally starting to rebuild my self esteem, bit by bit.
At that point I met Rob. Rob only builds me up. He has never done or said anything to make me feel insecure or jealous. I trust him. That's a great feeling.
So my conclusion is that jealousy comes from insecurity. Since I have never felt security with my parents in any way shape or form, perhaps I am jealous of my siblings but I don't think so.
Even though my parents have quickly repeated things to stir up trouble, I am quick to call them all and set things straight. I don't believe any of them have issues with me, if they do I have never given them any cause to. This week I wrote my mother a lengthy email and tried to explain this to her. I asked her to stop talking about me with siblings and asked her TO help my sister-in-law rather than blaming me for not helping her. When I look at my mother's life I pity her. She has no friends, a family who is constantly battling, and in her words "one of the worst marriages she knows of." On the other hand, this is the life she chose. For years she blamed her five children for her misery. In truth, she took the easy way out for herself. Perhaps in the end what seemed to be so easy wasn't. I'm just glad my sister and I are so opposite of the example we saw in her. We were forced to become strong women and we have.

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