Jealousy

This week I have been giving a lot of thought to jealousy. That is the word my mother likes to use about the members of my family. There are five children in my family. The oldest and youngest brothers were given two acres of valuable land, one had a farm house on it which was restored (with my father providing his labor and an interest free loan). My other brother was set up in a trucking business which my father bankrolled. This business went belly up. From the time I could walk, my oldest brother quickly made sure I was in his shadow. He always screamed the loudest, throwing tantrums while I was the passive child. He was physically abusive at times and once punched me so hard that I had a bloody nose for hours. I was six at the time. My parents always justified what he did. For a time he became an alcoholic and was just about to lose his wife and two young boys when she forced him to sober up. At that point he became a born again zealot. My parents ate that up. Just a few short years ago he forged my father's name on a legal document so that when he chose to sell the house that my father had virtually given him, he could wave the clause saying my father had to agree to the sale. He made a handsome profit on that deal. My sister and I were always told that we had married well and that we didn't need my parents help. That certainly changed for both of us. My sister has been separated from her abusive husband for eight years and their divorce will be final any day. She looses her support now that her daughter graduates from college this weekend. I gave up alimony when I married the man I love. We both struggle. Despite the change in situations, my parents still justify every thing they do which is only to benefit two of their sons. You would think my mother, being a woman would want to support her daughters. My mother is uneducated. She has never read a book from cover to cover. She only worked one year of her life and then her aunt was her boss. She has never grocery shopped, my father has always done that. He pays the bills. While this may sound like he is controlling, she puts her foot down whenever it suits her. Case in point: my father owns another large piece of land. I was told that if I became an agent, I could list and sell this land. My father offered me MORE than the commission I would charge. This was one of the reasons I got into real estate. As soon as I was able to list it, my mother flatly refused to sign the listing papers. I am still shocked. Later she said that my father had promised to sell that piece of land (cheaply) to my one brother. She plans to do that when something happens to my father. The ONE TIME my father was going to do something for me, she vetoed it. Now, I ask myself, do I feel jealous of my brothers? I do not. I feel resentful. Over the years, I have come to the realization that it is not my brother's fault. It is my parents fault. Who is going to tell their parents not to give them things because it is unfair to their siblings? There might be a few people out there who would do it, but I don't think most people would.

There were two people in my lives that really turned my eyes green. The monster of jealousy possessed me for ahwile. Those were my first love and later my ex husband. I have given a lot of thought to that. After much thought, I realize what it was that made me so jealous. It was insecurity. Although they both professed great love, I always felt that they had one foot out the door so to speak. My first love told me daily how beautiful I was. When we were out I would watch other girls look at him. Once one gave him her phone number in front of me. I knew he was curious about what it would be like to be with other girls sexually. Finally, I broke up with him because I anticipated that curiousity to overwhelm him at some point. Now, being the person that I am with maturity, I know he would never have acted on that.
My ex husband never spoke about other women until after we were married. At that point I began to hear all about the many women he had slept with. That really wounded me. I began to anticipate the time when he would leave. Once I found pictures, like trophies, in his closet.
I became so insecure that I battled depression on and off for years. He had a seizure which wiped out his memory of recent years and instead of reciting the lies I had heard, I now learned the truth about many things. At that point I began to realize what a lie our relationship had been. Finally, I could take no more and had to get out. For my self preservation. The jealousy went away because I was on my own and finally starting to rebuild my self esteem, bit by bit.
At that point I met Rob. Rob only builds me up. He has never done or said anything to make me feel insecure or jealous. I trust him. That's a great feeling.
So my conclusion is that jealousy comes from insecurity. Since I have never felt security with my parents in any way shape or form, perhaps I am jealous of my siblings but I don't think so.
Even though my parents have quickly repeated things to stir up trouble, I am quick to call them all and set things straight. I don't believe any of them have issues with me, if they do I have never given them any cause to. This week I wrote my mother a lengthy email and tried to explain this to her. I asked her to stop talking about me with siblings and asked her TO help my sister-in-law rather than blaming me for not helping her. When I look at my mother's life I pity her. She has no friends, a family who is constantly battling, and in her words "one of the worst marriages she knows of." On the other hand, this is the life she chose. For years she blamed her five children for her misery. In truth, she took the easy way out for herself. Perhaps in the end what seemed to be so easy wasn't. I'm just glad my sister and I are so opposite of the example we saw in her. We were forced to become strong women and we have.

Thank you friends........

I have received such great comments and some private emails as well. Thank you so much for all the support. I think it's even freeing for people who want to post comments. I strongly feel that Google should not be a search for journal comments. Don't they have more important topics to spend time on?

I have a busy day today. On Thursday we have "brokers open houses" which are the best part of being a realtor. The listing agent opens the home up and serves lunch to other realtors. It's a great thing to do for the homeowner because then if I have actually seen the house I am more likely to remember it and be able to discuss it with potential buyers in greater detail. I try to do 2 a week so that I am current on the inventory out there. The delicious Chinese food often served is just a bonus. I am also answering phones at the office tonight on the late shift. I bring other paper work in case it's slow and we have computers we can work on. There is always something to do. Once I make a connection with someone I like to send them a friendly reminder periodically to let them know I have not forgotten them.

On the homefront my sister-in-law Jennifer is still in the hospital. We are hopeful her body can tolerate the radiation they are giving. She is very weak but they feel the only hope to give her the year they are trying to give her is to get the area irradiated before the tumor has a chance to grow back. My mother-in-law has had to take a leave of absence from work to deal with all of this. We are trying to send thoughtful cards and notes to all three of them as well as frequent phone calls. My mother-in-law had internet service put in yesterday so we are hoping to be able to email her. We feel guilty at being so far away and guilty a bit for being relieved that we don't have to live it up close day in and day out. It's such a hard thing to deal with. Rob was there and lived it with his father. I fear my mother-in-law will fall apart at a later time when she has the luxury of time to think and let it all sink in.

Whew I can breathe again..........

I have decided, upon the advice of some trusted friends here, to make my blog available only to certain viewers. That way I can say anything I like, feeling that if you are invited to be here, you are friend, not foe.

The past few months have been so stressful for me and I absolutely have to unwind. Making a blog, screen name and email with my actual name, (PREVIOUS TO USING IT FOR BUSINESS) was a mistake in hindsight. People have googled my name and read blog comments and it has been passed on to me that is why I was not hired for jobs that they otherwise loved me for.
As a real estate agent some people (as well as other agents) go to great lengths to try to cause problems for people. In the real estate world I carry insurance, much like malpractic insurance.
There are state and federal guidelines I must be careful to follow. If I do not, I am fined quickly and seriously. I can lose my license even, although I have spent thousands of dollars to be at this point where I am now. The previous business I worked for has warned me, actually asked me to sign legal documents for their secrecy. I had signed a privacy agreement when I was hired and I have, and continue to plan to uphold those confidences. In fact, I felt it was insulting to be asked.
The previous employer was a friend of over twenty years. She admitted that things were not fair to me, asked me how to rectify it and when I told her that I felt it best that I go elsewhere she was furious. It became a personal attack with wild accusations that she could not prove.
In the end nothing that she swore was going to happen did and she looked a bit paranoid.
I stay out of her way, don't even speak to her and I have learned that just four months since I left, she has had to sell the business, unable to shoulder the burden of it any longer. That certainly felt like validation to me. I am not a bitter person. I am far from perfect and I know thaqt others err as well. Fine, no problem but I have a problem with having lies told about me.
I feel that I am honest and with integrity. I think when I worked in a business for a year and a half and that was seen on a daily basis, it is absurd to claim otherwise.

I have tried to move on forging a new business in the neighboring town where I live. It has been difficult because our area is dense with realtors. Many are honest and there are others who my one friend refers to as "sharks". They will steal your clients in a heartbeat. I have only met one or two of them so count myself lucky. I have a few buyers I have been working with. It's a bit difficult because it takes time to learn what they really like and do not like. Often they think they like something but reality shows otherwise. It is not uncommon to have first time home buyers want a mansion. Of course it would have to be priced at about half the actual value!
Sometimes it takes months for people to see that they have to be realistic about their budget.
All the while you are waiting for the reality to set in, you must be patient and gently lead them towards that revelation. Some agents have shown people homes for over a year before they found one they liked. We can be talking as high as one hundred homes! Mind you, this is with gas prices ever climbing and realtors work on commission only in my area. You work hard for every dollar you earn. The more diligent you are, the more that is true.

I am not sure if I have the financial means, unless I get more clients to stay with this. I do like people, I really do. I love introducing people to a house they love. I love helping people, even when they are a bit difficult. I am hoping I can hang in there and go the distance. Right now I have a referral in the works (thank you to my cousin in Maryland) and I have people who I believe are ready to write a contract in the next ten days. So.......progress is happening just not at the pace I had hoped for. I keep telling myself patience is a virtue. I guess I am not too virtuous......well that's another post.

Learning Not to Speak

I am a very open and honest person. Sometimes I just say whatever comes to mind. That has come back to kick me in the rear end more than once. I have learned recently that there are people who like to repeat such things and take great delight in doing so. I have never been one who has enjoyed hurting or embarassing others so this is foreign to me. I am now starting to wonder if sharing thoughts is what I want to do as freely as I have in the past.

I am going through a lot of soul searching. Trying to figure things out which I thought I had already done. Trying to understand what motivates people, or not.

Last week I had some very frustrating things happen. At times like this I feel that perhaps I should delete my blog for my own safety.

My son came for Mother's Day with some thoughtful books he had bought for me. I did a lot of gardening the past few days. I take great pleasure in the planting and viewing the end product. I find peace in my participation with nature. Once things begin to grow I will take some pictures.

A Mother's Day Lament...........

I know it's Mother's Day and many people will sing the virtues of their mothers. How I envy those people. How I envy my sister-in-law who is so ill but has a mother ever by her side and helping her in every way.

Throughout my life I have had inner conflict. Being taught by society and by church school that I should honor, obey and have my mother on a pedestal. Her mother has her on one. Throughout life I have always felt unsupported, a second class person compared to my brothers, and unworthy of any of my parents financial support which my brother's freely received. I do not blame my brothers. It is not their fault. It is the fault of my parents. My mother played a game which I only recently came to understand. It's pitting all of her children against each other. Recently she did another one of these acts. When I inquired about it from a sister-in-law she told me that my mother had told her that she couldn't come to her house after her surgery because her daughters were so jealous of her. This was almost laughable because my mother never came to my house and helped me when I had cancer or open heart surgery. Now she chooses to put that blame on her daughters as opposed to being honest and saying "I don't want to help you." She has never said that to me either. She just let me get out of her car after my radiation treatments, carrying my then three year old son and drove off leaving me there to be deathly ill for the next many hours alone with a toddler. She wouldn't take me for those treatments unless I gave her money for gas and treated her for food. At the time I was barely making ends meet. I am hoping writing about this will free me from some of the pain I have carried for years over this. It took me awhile to understand that this was not my fault.
I wanted it to be my fault because that meant I didn't have an uncaring mother. When my mother was recently ill I did a lot to help her. It doesn't matter what I ever do. It will never be reciprocated.

So today when I think of mothers I feel cheated. That is the honest truth. Yesterday I went out to my mailbox and there was a beautiful card with some money in it from my mother-in-law.
I am not a mother of her grandchildren. It was a motherly gesture that touched my heart.
I will never forget watching her with her daughter last weekend. I went through that with my son some many years ago. I am happy to say that I am not the type of mother that my mother has been to me. I have made sacrifices for my child and never regretted it. I cannot control who my mother was, only what kind of mother I am.

To all the mothers who made their children (biological or otherwise) or granchildren feel loved or cared for I salute you. Happy Mother's Day.

Finally.........some wonderful news

This is my husband, Rob and myself with our beloved niece, Cassie.

Last night I got a phone call with some great news. The doctors were able to remove nearly all of the tumor in my sister-in-law's skull. After eight hours of surgery they did an MRI which showed a small piece remaining near her neck. They are going back in this morning to remove that. She had told me that if they were able to get it all they felt she would go at least a year before a recurrence. They will radiate her head in a few short days to further prevent it's return. I am at least enjoying some good news and once again feeling hopeful. Another year is a wonderful thing to have with your child. I cannot wait until she is well enough to view the video we made of her daughter that day.

The sun is shining and the birds are singing and my heart is filled with gratitude and hope.

It's a grand feeling. Last night I went to see a woman who is going to have me list her house and find her and her children a new home. She was a beautiful soul and I look forward to working with her. It seems like things are going well all the way around. I have a full day today.

I will be going to have the pictures I took of the home put into a portfolio to show. I have much to do but it's all exciting and today my mind can be at ease for the first time in months.

Pretty as a Picture

This was the angel, our niece on her special day last Saturday. I had the priviledge of getting her dressed.

Her Mom was able to attend a brief part of the service. When we returned home she was feeling poorly and had to return to bed. The morphine which is necessary for the pain had her sick to her stomach. A large turnout of family was present and the sisters of her grandmother provided a wonderful luncheon. I have to say that my mother-in-law has an unusually generous and loving family. I found myself being envious of that. Her brothers were working on her sump pump and dehumidifier and put a new handle on the toilet. Her sisters chipped in for food and prepared it and were constantly offering her emotional support. On Sunday there was a May parade at the church where Cassie had to wear her dress again. We let my mother-in-law go and we stayed to "babysit" the patient and we cleaned a bit. I felt guilty as she thanked us for every little thing we did. I felt like there was so much more we should be doing.

Today my sister-in-law is having more surgery. She looked so very feeble that I had a hard time understanding why they could not wait. Her tumor has grown to four times the size it was. That is why they had to go in quickly. It is heartbreaking to watch her go through this.

At least her daughter had her there for the day. That was what we had all hoped for. I just wish she could have enjoyed the celebration. Sometimes life is hard and this is one of these times. It's hard to know what to do or say. As weak as she was when Jen opened her eyes and saw us she thanked us for coming, apologized for sleeping through our visit and told us she loved us. We told her that we were happy to see her, she needed sleep to regain her stength and we loved her. We can only offer support and prayers and hope that will make some difference.

Wednesday at the Looney Bin

Today I took a much needed day off. I have been going nonstop since last Tuesday.

Firstly I decided to clean off my desk top. I am organizing things and I have more papers than I could ever explain. Forms for everything. I then went outside and dared to open my trunk.

All kinds of papers get put in there. I carry two boxes in it. One for open house items and another for listing presentation/seller items. They both needed a thorough sorting and they got it. I then noticed I was not thrilled with my profile and I tweeked that. I think it came out pretty well. I am having trouble with my printer jamming. I have purchased many different weights of paper and it just pulls in several pieces at once. I think I may have to purchase another one.

This weekend is the long awaited communion for our niece. It will be bittersweet. We are heading up on Friday morning. At the same time my mother-in-law will be heading up to Boston to pick up my sister-in-law. She will be home for the weekend, unless problems arise which mean she will return to the hospital. Next week on the 8th she will be having another major surgery trying to remove the 1/3 of the tumor they didn't get last time. Right now she cannot even walk with a walker. It will be difficult to get her in and out of the church. I am planning to take a video at the house and many pictures so her daughter will never forget this special day.

I just hope nothing prevents her Mommy from being there but there is always that possibility.

I have purchased many things that I give away to my clients. Among them was a card that had the "Ten Commandments for Pet Owners". I love it so much I wanted to share it here. Anyone who has ever had a pet will relate to it.

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you will be very painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want from me. Do not break my spirit with your temper, thought I will always forgive you. Your patience will beach me more effectively.

3. Please have me spayed or neutered.

4. Treat me kindly, my beloved friend, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for your kindness than mine. Don't be angry with me for long, and don't lock me up as punishment. After all, you have your job, your friends, your entertainment. I only have you.

5. Speak to me often. Even though I don't understand your words, I understand your voice when it's speaking to me. Your voice is the sweetest sound I ever hear, as you must know by my enthusiasm whenever I hear your footsteps.

6. Take me in when it's cold and wet. I'm a domestic animal and am no longer accustomed to the bitter elements. Keep my bowl filled with water. Feed me good food so that I may stay well to romp, and play and do your bidding. By your side, I stand ready, willing and able to share my life with you, for that is what I live for. I'll never forget how well you've treated me.

7. Don't hit me. Remember, I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hand, but I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, have been out in the sun too long or my heart may be getting weak.

9. Take care of me when I get old. You will grow old, too.

10. When I am old, or when I no longer enjoy good health,please do not make heroic efforts to keep me going. I am not having fun. Just see to it that my trusting life is taken gently. Be with me on that difficult journey when it's time to say goodbye. Never say "It's too difficult to watch."

Everything is easier for me when you are there. I will leave this earth knowing that with my last breath that my fate was always safest in your hands. I love you.

* in loving memory of Sandie Sheltie Lass, you live in my heart forever and it was a pleasure to be with you for sixteen years, even the last heartbreaking minutes when your suffering ended

It's been two years and I still miss you fluffernutter....and I think I always will*

I love Sundays

Many good things happen on Sundays. Some Sundays I work but it doesn't matter...it's still Sunday and I like this day. One very good thing that happens on Sundays is the new post
at POST SECRET. I don't know if you have ever checked this out but I really like this site.
It makes me do a lot of thinking. I often wonder how many people get great relief from sharing their secret, even though it's anonymously. I have about three secrets that I rarely share.
All three would shake the people whothink they know me well. I am great at keeping secrets.
Even ones that I wish I had never known. I often wonder why people are compelled to share their secret. I always fear that if you tell the wrong person that someday your secret could be used to bring hurt to others. That is the last thing I want. Even if the others caused me pain I could not derive pleasure from theirs. Sometimes I think that is something that makes my existence harder for me. Many others who seem to enjoy inflicting pain seem to relieve themselves by doing so. I cannot relate to that at all.

It's beautiful outside and I am not sure just how to enjoy that: gardening or just relaxing.
I'll figure it out.

The weekend off

This started out to be a bad week. My sister-in-law was hospitalized again. Her incision from her surgery has not healed. She was leaking spinal fluid and they are dealing with that right now. My mother-in-law has been taking off work and driving over an hour each way to see her. We have had a hard time keeping in touch with updates. We finally had a room phone number but when one is on morphine they are a bit difficult to communicate with. At least we know she is resting comfortably. This entire week has been one where it's been difficult to unwind or sleep. I am feeling exhausted and nothing I do seems to help.

The weather today was beautiful. Sunny and bright and warm. We went out for lunch.
We came home and sat outside for awhile. My son came over and we chatted with him. He has been reading the DSM and I am not sure this is a good thing. He has theorized that an intelligent person could easily convince professionals they were sane, despite their issues. Yes, I know that and find it scary. Particularly in light of the Virginia massacre.

Today I found a real bright spot. For those of you journalers who read Pennie's blog, there was wonderful news. She is home and a post from her is in the journal. I am so thrilled that she is now back at home and doing well. She is a courageous woman and an inspiration to all.

WELCOME HOME PENNY!

I H8 Verizon.........and guns

Yesteday I noticed that only one phone in my house, the downstairs one, was ringing and it was only a partial ring at best. Later as the day progressed, it stopped ringing altogether, although callers were put into my voice mail. I am so sorry that I switched my phone to FIOS and so are my neighbors. The ones who switched their television cable service are very upset. Rightly so.
Verizon never did come and fix the hole in my garage wall as promised, or send me paperwork to pay for the electrical repair as promised and now the phone service I was promised over and over again would not be problematic when it rained is worse than ever. Sorry, Verizon but you have the worst customer service I have ever received and I am now contemplating switching my computer and phone service over to cable. One of the reasons I didn't do it before was that you advertised that if the power went out you still had phone service. NOT TRUE with FIOS.
You have only have phone service as long as the back up battery has a charge which I was told might be 8 hours. Thinking of the storm where we lost power for 5 days that wouldn't be much of a help. When I pointed this out to a Verizon tech he told me that I would still have a cell phone. I had to point out to him that my cell gets charged by ELECTRICITY. It took him a few minutes to take my point. While this is highly annoying and frustrating and I am missing yet another day of work today.................this pales in comparison to what happened yesterday in Virginia.

When are we going to wake up and stop allowing people in this country to walk into a store and buy a gun? I am so sick of hearing that guns don't kill people, people kill people. If someone approaches me to kill me with hand to hand combat I have time to react. Not so with a speeding bullet. I think of all these students whose lives were snuffed out, and the wonderful professors whose lives were lost so senselessly. I have to wonder if there had been a major attempt to evacuate the campass quickly if there would have been less victims. If there are major alarms for theft, aren't the lives of people worth so much more? Why not a major horn system to alert students to evacuate a such a place? It sickens me that our world has come to this. I want to know what could make a person do such a thing. I am angry and I hope the person who sold this guy the guns loses a damn lot of sleep. Then I hope he sells his gun shop and becames an enemy of the NRA. I know I have.

The post Easter Noreaster

We had quite the storm yesterday. I had planned to do an open house in an adult community and we agreed that no one there would be venturing out. I was relieved. The winds were very loud at times. This morning I have discovered my phone lines are not working properly. I feel lucky that the computer connection seems ok, if not a tad bit slow. ONLY my downstairs phone is ringing, none of the three upstairs. Tried to call Verizon but they are inundated with calls and I get a message advising me to call back. Glad I have service although I was cut off twice during the calls that did make it through.

My friend who owns a house on the Chesapeake Bay called earlier. She was there alone as her husband drives back to Pennsylvania during the week for his job. The winds were so strong that she was concerned. While we were talking the phone suddenly went dead. Apparently she lost her electricity. I know this because she called later and although my phone didn't ring she left a message. She had left the house there to go stay at a friend's in town. I am so grateful for the convenience of cel phones and somedays I wonder how we ever lived without them. I can only test my phone because I have a cel phone. I cannot count the times that having a cel phone means I don't have to drive back to a place.

This Saturday I took one of my clients out to look at seven homes. That put a bite into my day but when I got home I had the most wonderful dinner waiting for me: talapia with roasted red pepper sauce and bok choy. On Sunday my resident chef made me pan seared chicken breast with eggplant in a marinara sauce and a side of rigatoni after my salad. Delicious and it's a treat to eat a meal that I did not prepare.

On Sunday I got a phone call from my friend I met in 5th grade, Karan. She relocated to Texas many years ago and I have only seen her twice since then. Normally we are in touch a few times a year but over a year had slipped by. I had forgotten to notify her of an email change and we were out of touch. Her home was still under repairs. It was hit hard by Hurricane Katrina and just as those repairs were done, another hit. She has replaced the flooring in her downstairs three times. I cannot imagine what that is like. Hopefully I will never know. She was saying how it seems things are never complete before you begin again. She is a social worker who runs a big program of case managers and often puts in ten hour days. I don't know how she manages. She is the mother of three who although they appear to be grown seem to still take up a lot of her free time. We laughed about how we thought when our sons were grown we would have all the time in the world to do all the things we still wanted to. I am hoping that sometime in the future I can get to see her home and children and grandchildren. Karan and I have a very special connection. When we met in 5th grade, so did our brothers who were in 7th grade. We were both from families with 5 children. Karan's brother Michael had a beautiful smile and was very handsome. He and my brother Jimmy often went hunting together. Both were very experienced hunters having gone with their fathers from a young age. (I am opposed to hunting UNLESS all the game will be eaten by the hunters and even then I have safety concerns.) One day Michael came to our door and asked if Jimmy could go hunting that day, with him and his older brother, Johnny. My mother said no because it was overcast and beginning to drizzle. Michael left and walked a few minutes to his house and he and John left, with John carrying a 4 10. The following day we learned there was an accident and Michael was dead. John said that the 4 10 had a broken safety and he knew that. He slung it over his shoulder and Michael was walking behind him. All of a sudden he stumbled and the gun went off. The bullet went through Michael's neck much like President Kennedy's injury of a few years earlier. John carried his 14 year old brother to the main road minutes away and frantically tried to flag down a car. Unfortunately several passed him when they saw both young men covered in blood. Finally a trucker stopped and took them to the then new local hospital. Shortly afterwards Michael was pronounced dead. I remember wanting desperately to go to that funeral. My parents wouldn't let me. I think they were in deep shock at the time. I called Karan and I went through that grieving process with her. At times I still visit Michael's grave and knowing that brings her comfort. So many years have passed and still that memory is so vivid in my mind. Karan went through so much losing her brother and the surviving brother fell apart from the incident. Sometimes we talk about Michael and it bothers her that her children will never know him. It comforts her to know that I still see his face in my mind's eye. I made a promise to Michael when he died to always be there for her. Now thousands of miles away, in a sense at least, I am still trying to keep that promise.

Jennifer's Home and I will be honoring her battle with cancer

My sister-in-law Jennifer is finally home from the hospital. As I suspected, her tumor was cancer and the first pathologist got it wrong. They removed 2/3 of it and will have to go back in a few weeks after her daughter's upcoming communion. In the meantime our office is sponsoring a RELAY FOR LIFE and I am part of the team. If you would like to sponsor me you can click MY HOMEPAGE. I am hoping to raise more than the $125 I have promised to. I am thinking that this might cheer her up, although to be honest for someone who has been through what she has, she is in good spirits. I spoke with her earlier and she is hanging in there.

Last Friday I went to my doctor. I have been feeling so very tired and experiencing some dizziness and other things. He saw my last blood work and did some more testing. It seems I have the beginning stage of diabetes. I am a carb junkie. Not sure how I can deal with this one.
I really have to give it a good try, including exercising. The catch 22 is that I am tired and don't feel I have the stamina to exercise but because I'm not the sugar in my system is not being metabolized. I am not a scientist but have done a little reading. I already eat only whole grain bread, cereal and pasta. I will have to do more to monitor hidden carbs though.

We had a nice Easter here. My sister came from upstate New York and her daughter came. She will be graduating with a degree in chemistry in May and head hunters are already contacting her. I am so happy for her. The women of this generation have so many more options than mine did. I guess many women of my generation did have the opportunity for a college education. My father didn't think it was necessary and wouldn't pay for mine. Unfortunately, that lead me to an early marriage and I often think how different my life might have been had he supported that option for me. I did later go to college for three years until my son got sick. After that I just never felt motivated again and when I finally did, I was divorced and didn't have the means.

I am starting to read again and really enjoy that. I feel relaxed in my own skin and that's a very good thing. I just wish my health issues would get resolved and I could enjoy some physical well being along with the mental outlook.

The other day a neighbor asked me if I don't feel cheated after looking at such elegant homes all day and coming home to my modest home. No way! I told her that money can buy a wonderful home but it can't buy you neighbors that are always there to help you. This is the first time in my life I have had neighbors that considered themselves my friends and vice versa. I feel blessed and fortunate to be in a home that I don't have to sit and wonder if I might lose. A small house can hold as much love as a mansion......and mine does.

I get by with a little help from my friends

This has been a frustrating week. When Verizon was here they drilled through two electrical wires. We had no idea what they were. We were told by one neighbor they were to our water meeter. I called the water company and they came today and told me it had nothing to do with them and left. They suggested I call the electric company and I did. They sent out a repairman who assured me that he had never seen what he was looking at before and if it was INSIDE it was not their problem. He did tell me I would not be charged the $85 fee that they sometimes charge to tell you it's not their problem. Thank you kind sir. At this point I figured I might have to call an electrician. We have a wonderful neighbor, Kenny. He is a plumber by trade but more of a jack of all trades. When he came over Rob asked him to pop over for a look see. I baked cookies for him. He took a quick look and told us that it was a small transformer to our DOOR BELL! I then realized that I had not heard my doorbell ring all week. He told Rob that IF Rob could fish out the wires that had been severed he could splice a new wire onto the old ones.
Rob cut the sheetrock and found the missing wires. Kenny came back with wire and spliced them. I now have a doorbell again and Kenny has a belly full of bunny shaped sugar cookies.
The thing that puzzles me is that neither the water guy or electric company guy knew what a doorbell transformer looked like. I know that I will never forget what one looks like. So now, finally my mystery is solved, my doorbell is working again and ONCE Verizon lays the cable in the ground (I mean it's only been laying on the ground for over four days!) I will be all set. Whew. Have I ever mentioned how much I love my neighbors? I love my neighborhood, it's such a melting pot of people and everyone is treated the same......unless they are mean. We like nice people and the vast majority are great people.

My sister-in-law had her surgery. She was in intensive care over night but is doing better.
They were only able to remove 2/3 of her tumor and she will need another surgery in the near future. There is nerve damage and she will have great difficulty swallowing, if she can at all which is questionable. She will most likely need the feeding tube permanently. She already is asking questions which I think is a good sign. Her Mom snapped a photo with her phone to show her little daughter. She seemed to be most interested in the bandage around her mother's head. I scored a great gift to take her today, well actually for the patient AND her daughter. The patient will be getting the most adorable ceramic purse that is a bank and her daughter will be getting a beautiful little bear dressed for her communion and holding a book that says "My first holy communion." How sweet is that? Take my word for it, it's just adorable.

I have done little office work this week but I have been entering all the information for my clients and fellow realtors I know into my OFFICE program. I have imported my work email into the OUTLOOK and that will make things run smoother. At some point I may get a lap top to help me also. I have learned when preparing contracts at work a jump drive can be a great tool. Just do whatever load it up on that and bring it home and load it into my home computer.

It looks like I will be cooking Easter dinner, a spiral ham. My sister is coming from Albany and her two daughters will be here. Probably my parents and us and my son. I'm not going crazy with a ton of side dishes. I want to have a nice meal but then clear away things and enjoy everyone's company. We have some great games we can play.

I wish all of you a Happy Easter. If you don't celebrate Easter, I hope you had a wonderful Passover. It's cold here today, we had a snow shower. So funny to see snow falling on my daffodils that were blooming. Then the sunshine came. Today I was reminded of just how wonderful a little help from a friend/neighbor can be. A little help goes a long way. It lifted my spirits so much. Thank you Kenny for one more ounce of kindness at a time when it meant so much.

Verizon FIOS

Yesterday I waited all day for Verizon to come. I was scheduled for 9:30 a.m. I was told.
Apparently that was not correct. At 11 a.m. I called to ask where they were. I was told that the inquiry would be passed on and that the tech would be contacted and he would contact me.
I was told I would hear shortly. Well over three hours later I called again. Heard the same story again. About 4p.m. I got very impatient. I knew this was a job that would take 4 or more hours.
At that point I insisted on speaking with a supervisor. She was very nice and offered to reschedule but I told her that I had missed work and preferred they still come. The nicest guy Cliff called me at 5:30. He told me that they would have to travel an hour back to the warehouse and get parts for my installation then head over here so it was about two hours from that point that they would arrive. He insisted they were more than willing to come so I told them to come ahead. They arrived at 8 p.m. This was much more involved than I could have imagined. Once they had run the line from the box to the house they needed to make a hole. I showed them that there was an electrical device which was on the inside wall. That device allows the meter to be read from the outside. He told me that they would be careful not to disturb it. COUGH COUGH.
A short time later the apprentice (and honestly a great guy, Jeff) opened the door and told me OOPS they had drilled through one of those wires. I told them just to continue and I would deal with that today. They continued and I am happy to report that they gave me a wireless router as opposed to the corded one I had. Actually it's a DUAL router and by leaving my computer hooked up with the wire my connection is faster. This will enable me if/when I get a lap top to have router access from downstairs. The connection is so much faster than DSL had been. It's a pleasure to have the webpages load so fast.

Early this morning I called the water company to tell them about the box. Cliff said if they hit me for paying for it, they would pay but the man told me they will fix it at no charge. I may end up with another hole in the garage wall though if they cannot fish out the wire. The builder had put in the first one. Oh well. I have to give it to the techs, they were here until just before 1 a.m.
At one point Cliff asked if we could send out for a pizza and I realized they hadn't stopped for dinner. I made them cheese steaks. It's important for me to feel that anyone who does work in my house still receives hospitality. They were very appreciative. I have been shocked at stories some workmen have told me while I am serving them coffee. Sometimes homeowners do not permit them to use their bathrooms.

My sister-in-law is undergoing her surgery. I am anxiously waiting for news but it's only 1:45 and we don't expect to hear anything before 4 at the very earliest. My poor mother-in-law is at the hospital by herself today. Her sister is helping by being there for our niece. She's in school and then goes to after school program when the aunt will pick her up and take her back to the house. I am hoping my mother-in-law will be able to drive home tonight and tuck her granddaughter in. They are very close. I must keep very busy and I have many cleaning jobs I am going to tackle.

To blog or not to blog

I am in a deep funk. Each time I go to make an entry a voice in my head tells me that there is nothing I can talk about that people want to hear. Unfortunately, not many things are going right for me. The scale is tipped and the good stuff doesn't hold a candle to the bad.
I spent several stress filled days putting a deal together per a client's request only to have him decide not to present it. He will lose the opportunity to purchase this home and I fear he will deeply regret it. Now I must begin a new search for another home. I'm tired. Gas is expensive.

I have not felt well since Friday. Rob and I have not had the same day off in the past 8 weeks. Until today. He didn't feel well and slept a lot. It was disappointing. Usually Lent is a time of religious observance for me. This year I have not done one thing to make it so. I am disappointed in myself.

Tomorrow Rob's sister goes into the hospital for a test. On Tuesday they do the surgery to remove the cancerous tumor in her skull. It's scary. I don't even know if we will be able to get updates if his Mom remains at the hospital. I mean, I just don't think calling us will be a priority for her.

Tomorrow Verizon is coming to install FIOS for my computer. While I hope to be pleased with the results, it's a lengthy installation. It's supposed to rain all week and it is already getting cold again. My usually sunny outlook seems to be having an eclipse. I don't know how to fix it.

Spring has Sprung

Yesterday we had a magnificent day here, 74 and beautiful sunshine. I was caught up with work until about 2 but got home in time to take Duffy and Smokey outside to enjoy it which they did.

I am upgrading my computer connection. I don't know if anyone else has upgraded to FIOS.
They ran the lines a few weeks ago. The internet connection is supposed to be faster than cable. The best part is that I can get unlimited long distance AND computer connection (including a wireless router free) for under $70. I now use a wired router which means we are confined to the upstairs only. If I opt for a business laptop up the road I will really enjoy being able to use it downstairs or on the patio. I realize that if I went with all cable the phone would be less but our neighbors have done that and when they lose the cable they have no phone service. That can be a real problem and I don't want it.

Am working hard on a business deal. There is a lot of work that goes on behind the scenes when people buy a home. Mortgage approval, negotiation of the contract, inspections etc. Right now I have written a contract but it has not been presented yet, waiting for one of the parties to be present. I am remaining calm.......so far. One of my coworkers recently remarked how odd it is when you see that two people who are married for years are on totally different pages about what they want. Normally the wife is going on emotion "I LOVE this" while the husband is the voice of practicality. It's a real study in people. I enjoy working with people and I find there is always something I learn from each person that I deal with. Keeps it fresh.

Time to go shower and get to a training session this morning. My office is wonderful, we have weekly training and so much more. It's a great support system.

Pass the chicken soup!

I woke up yesterday with a sore throat. This is one of those colds that starts out like a sore throat and then escalates. I did a few things I had to today then came home and have nursed my throat with tea and it now wants chicken soup. My throat does not give a damn that today is a lenten Friday. I say if you're sick then you have a dispensation. I deem it so and I will be having my chicken soup. I will do a good deed. That good deed will be to control my temper which right now could be set off.

I have to wonder about a lot of things these days. Do people NOT have any loyalty anymore?
When you spend days working with someone, filling your tank with gas, putting miles on your car do they not feel loyalty? Do they feel it's okay to meet another agent and tell them that no they are not working with anyone and then allow that person to pressure them into doing something that even they don't feel is right? I don't get it. I have bought three houses. Each time I had ONE person who was taking me around. That person handled any inquiries I had. ALL three times I purchased the second house I looked at. Damn, I never knew just how easy I was!
I thanked the person for their time spent and I truly appreciated it. I find that either I was very strange or the world has changed. Now people do not seem to feel loyal in such circumstances.
I have decided that I deserve to be treated better than that.

I'm cranky and I think I need a nap and some more hot beverages......and maybe some chocolate. Yea that's the ticket.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I was supposed to take a client out today. I really like this couple and am excited to be helping them find a home. She agreed that the roads were dangerous early in the a.m. when we had planned to go and we have pushed it off until next Saturday.

I did my usual meal and although it was delicious it was a lot of work. I just love having the leftovers and if we go out we don't get them. To be honest, I feel that my corned beef and cabbage (with my secret ingredient: Guinness) is better than any I have had anywhere.
The soda bread was scrumptious and I wish my internet friends could pop in for some and a nice cup of tea. I am trying to watch my carbs. My bloodwork is indicating my sugar is too high and my doctor thinks I may be predisposed to diabetes which is in my family. I hate needles and would not want to have to deal with more medicine. I am hoping I can control my eating better and avoid dealing with it in the future.

Today, as on every day where we are focused on the Irish, I miss my grandfather. He was an important person in my life. My Dad was in the Navy and my mother was not one to travel.
Much of that time I lived with my grandparents in their tiny house. I still have my grandmother at 94 but I lost him about twenty years ago. I still miss him. When I was only about ten he had a very bad heart attack. We rushed to the hospital to be with him and he kept telling me not to worry. He was in his fifties and shortly after that he had to retire. Over the next few years he had a series of strokes. I always rushed to be at his side and it was always he who comforted me. When I had cancer and had to have radiation treatments he came to New Jersey and took me for one. He was an emotional person and it really got to him. He nearly fainted. He was always there for his grandchildren. After his last stroke, he was a shadow of the person he had been. It was so hard to watch. One of the last days I spent with him we were in the kitchen eating breakfast. He kept looking at me and I asked him if he was okay. He nodded but didn't really seem too alert that morning. I got up and went to sit on the sofa and he suddenly stood up on his own, got his walker and followed me. He came right over to me and began to cry and said "I love you honey." I couldn't believe it. I jumped up and hugged him and told him I loved him more.
A minute later he slipped back into the shadows. It was a magical moment and I will never forget it. Within a few months he was gone. I was blessed to have had him, my Irish grandfather.

Is the glass half empty or half full

The case for half empty

I am so tired and not sleeping properly. From time to time this plagues me and when I do sleep I am having vivid nightmares about ghosts which don't really frighten me normally. These dreams are quite interesting once my heart stops pounding.

Our magnificent weather of several days has changed. We experienced rain last night, sleet and hail this morning and are now receiving several inches of snow. The roads are a sheet of ice. I went out for a prescription and slid all over the road before turning back. I will suffice with the lower dosages until road conditions improve.

My visit to my cardiologist was the same old/same old. I keep hoping one day he will have some really good news for me like I can go off of some of the costly prescriptions.

My grandmother told me again today that my siblings do not want to hear from me because all I do is complain. (How dare I complain about something as insignificant as heart surgery!) The hardest part of hearing that is that I only talk to them once or twice a year. By the way, siblings all deny saying this but Grandma tells me next time I should tell them they are lying, a word she rarely uses.

The case for half full

I have a wonderful friend, lover and companion in Rob....when all else walk away he will still be there doing whatever I need

This morning when I couldn't stop the skidding and thought I might actually end up dead

or seriously injured I quickly thought that if I remained calm (and didn't jerk the wheel) that I would be okay and I was.......

I also felt that a quickly mumbled prayer was answered so I guess God isn't sick of hearing me

I have wonderful caring neighbors

I have loved and been loved

I am still alive and ticking (literally)

I have courage to try to make things better

I know that tomorrow will be another chance to try again

I am struggling to focus on the good, the positive.

Sunshine, Blue Skies and a Lazy Afternoon

Today the weather was simply gorgeous. The sunshine with a high in the 70s. They had predicted rain last night but so happy they were wrong. I stood outside chatting with a neighbor for over an hour and just soaked up the sun.

I did two evening shifts in two consecutive days. That's what I get for being nice and trading places with coworkers. My hubby has worked overtime every night and doesn't get home until 7:30. He is hungry, thirsty and wanting human companionship. When I evenings I don't get home until 9 or later. He's on his own. When I get home I am hungry but don't want to eat that late at night. Of course I rush through the door and want to see what's going on with Idol. Then I have to rewind the tape to see the part I missed before I can make my informed choice. It seems to be that LaKisha aka Kiki is my frontrunner. I'm telling you the FIRST time I saw and heard her I thought of Gladys Knight. When she did Midnight Train to Georgia I was loving it.
I think she has what it takes. Melinda has a solid voice too but to be honest, sometimes I wonder about her. I love Motown. When someone like Blake does what he did, it's just mindblogging to someone like me. It's like Sponge Bob trying to sing Beatles music. Don't go there. Just don't.

Well, I am thinking I might get a tiny nap in before the furboys go on their food demand for the evening meal. I have to be rested up for tonight's TV viewing. I hope Diana does at least one of her classics.

Back to Work...........

Today is beautiful and Springlike. I seized the opportunity to walk door to door and distribute items I had purchased with my name and business phone numbers on them. Remember when you receive those items they are not cheap. Do not throw them out. Put them to good use! I tied them neatly in bags and left those for those who were not home when I arrived. It might go up as high as 60 degrees today! The sun is so bright I had to wear shades!

I am feeling better today. This weekend I was on a new medicine and it kicked my asthma into high gear. I was wheezing so badly last night that I could hardly breathe. Of course, I am also thinking that Spring allergies may be at least partly to blame. I never did get my rosebush planted. Rob didn't sleep at all Saturday night and then yesterday we both catnapped all day.
Or we tried to. Our phone which rarely rings, was ringing off the hook each time we fell asleep. Our neighbor who comes no more than four times a year, came over and woke us up twice. Murphy's Law I guess. Just in time for St. Paddy's Day too. I have my Saturday dinner purchased and ready to cook. I always make it fresh, including the Irish Soda Bread. Honestly, mine is better than any other I have ever tasted. I got the recipe from Irish America Magazine.
They got it from Ireland. I have a great wreath on my front door, complete with tiny green bowlers and some green wee beer mugs. We have Irish stuff around all year long. Still, I keep a few things that I only bring out once a year. Have you seen the advertisement for Guinness where the three guys get up and it's just like Christmas but all gifts are wrapped in green and are Guinness? It's so funny. In a perfect world maybe.

Well I have to be in to work at 6 tonight until 9. I have already run a few errands and am ready for a rest! Of course I just know that if I actually nod off the phone will ring immediately! If I believed in curses, I would swear someone put one on this house that no human is to actually get restful sleep. If anyone knows a remedy for the antisleep curse, please let me know.

Other Pics I had wanted to post

The picture on the top is Rob's sister hugging her daughter when she was about 5 yrs old.

It wasn't the best picture ever taken of her but I like it very much.

This picture on the bottom was Rob holding our niece, then 3 and his sister Jennifer about half an hour before our wedding. Surprise! They were in the bar and Rob was having a Guinness. Jen later snuck in the bride room and snapped some shots of me with my friends.

Jennifer learned yesterday that the tumor in her head is cancer. We had hoped that the second doctor was right but sadly, the other two doctors were right. Her new surgery is scheduled for April 3rd. Please keep her in your prayers. We are hoping that she will be recovered enough for her daughter's first communion on May 5th. We have promised her we will arrive on Friday the 4th and do the food for the next day. I hope to get pictures that day and I hope that we can all celebrate and enjoy the day.

Blogger Issues Resolved?

Top O the morning!

I am hoping that I finally have fixed my computer issue with blogger. It seems I needed to download SP2, my computer which is three or four years old only had 1, not 2. Before I could do this download yesterday I found that my computer had not alerted me to 67 updates. It needed to do all of them before I could download SP2. It took about five hours in total, even though I have DSL and not dial up to get all of this done but this morning after clearning the cache as a safeguard, I once again have my tool bar across the top, allowing for text colors and photos. Hopefully this is now resolved because every now and then I just want to post a pic.

I have given myself a weekend off work unintentiaonally. Long story which I won't explain. Ironically Rob has worked overtime the past three nights and is working again today. I was hoping to sleep in but scratching paws on my bedroom door thought otherwise. Perhaps a nap later as I never feel truly rested.

Yesterday my anniversary gift arrived and I am so excited. Mind you, my anniversary was August 31 but they only ship these twice a year. It's a Princess Diana of Wales rose bush. It even came with a garden stake identifying it. I am trying to figure out the perfect place in my yard for it. Someplace sunny but not too dry or damp. When I told my grandmother she was so excited I wish I had ordered one for her. I probably could but hers wouldn't be shipped until the Fall and she will be 95 in July. Not sure she could plant it with the digging required. I wish I could make a plan for my yard and do flower gardens. I simply love flowers, the beauty of them. It's odd that as I have gotten older my likes have changed. I have become so fond of sunflowers and roses which I didn't care for when I was younger. I have found a variety of sunflower which is much shorter with many smaller heads which I grow now. I save the seeds and use them for the birds. I feed birds all year long in the back bordering the woods. It's so relaxing to watch them. I especially enjoy watching the red headed woodpeckers. We have a cat but he's an indoor cat so he watcheds through the glass patio door for hours. When he was younger his teeth would chatter with excitement but now he's five and seems calmer.

My project today is to clean off my computer desk and tidy up my files. I have so much paper. Even though I have most things in my day planner and computer, I like a back up. I hope everyone has a relaxing weekend filled with memorable moments.

URGENT!!!!!!

You know when we were in Vegas with our friends Debbie and Don for their wedding, we were driving along in a minivan taxi when the song "URGENT" by Foreigner came on. Immediately Debbie and I began to dance in our seats. It was great and her son actually snapped a pic. Since then this song has been running through my mind over and over. I got the McHubby to get it from Itunes then convert it to an MP3 for my computer and even burn it to a CD. I guess that might be overkill for some but I have decided that this must be my theme song and karma reunited me with it. Funny thing is, later Debbie's new husband told her that when he saw us doing that so early in the morning he began to question her sanity. Oh he has so much to learn about us. I love music and it's key in my life.

For some reason, since we switched to the new Blog I am having problems. I cannot post pics on my computer and I lose my entries when I click publish, except for the titles. When I open my entry form there is no bar across the top with the text, picture options at all. Odd. I opened it on Rob's computer and it's all there so it must be some glitch on my computer. Guess I will delete all cookies and see if that helps.

Today is a mental health day. I needed one desperately. I had a friend from the office I used to work in. He was going through a divorce and really troubled. I hated to leave that office, knowing I was one of the few people really concerned about him. I tried to stay in touch but for at least a month he was nowhere to be found. I finally heard from him today. He had a bad month or so but things are going much better for him. He is even back at home where I think he will only get better. This made my day. I truly care about the people I consider to be my friends. Speaking of friends, kudos to Jennifer for giving me the St. Paddy's Day bear and the flaoting shamrocks. She is my blogging mentor. She does a great commentary on American Idol if you haven't checked it out, make your way over there. Link to the right......................hurry up, it's urgent!!!

Going with the flow..........

We made it back safely from our trip to Rhode Island. It was a long ride up with hitting traffic. We arrived Friday evening and took our little group of ladies out to dinner. If you have not had fish and chips at Celo's in Rhode Island and you love fish, put it on your to do list. Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. We got home and everyone was tired and we called it an early night. Saturday we woke up and Jen seemed to have some blurry vision. I wasn't too concerned knowing she is on a lot of meds. We stayed with her while my mother-in-law got her hair and nails done. When she returned home we zipped over to the other sister's house to see her new condo and her two boys (coughdevilscough). We arrived like Santa and Mrs. Claus with many games and crafts for the kids. Adam got a bear that had four sports outfits. We had to dress and redress him every five minutes. His younger brother than discovered that the outfits would also fit his bear so we had two guys to accomodate. Jeanine bought lunch and we stopped to eat. We then received a phone call letting us know that they (McMom and Jen) were on their way to an ER in Boston to have the blurry vision checked out. Jen's daughter wanted to be with us and was waiting at a cousin's house. We zipped over there and picked her up and took her to get lunch. When we arrived home we watched two CDS I had never seen before. One was The Secret Garden and the other The Corpse Bride. My sister-in-law had always talked about loving the story The Secret Garden and we enjoyed it. We made dinner and they didn't make it home from the hospital until 8 p.m. We did enjoy the special time with our niece and promised her we would be there when she makes her first communion on May 5th. There will be a party so we will have to don our chef's aprons and prepare.

The good news is that Jen looks wonderful for someone who has been through what she has. The bad news is that the tumor is pushing on her optical nerve causing problems. Surgery was set for April 3rd but not sure they can wait that long. Three doctors do not agree as to what the prognosis is. One feels it is the same cancer that was in her neck, agressive stuff. The second feels there is hope it is not malignant. The third (a brain surgeon) believes it is malignant but is not the highly agressive cancer they found in her neck. We are all hoping that the second doctor is correct. Having said that there are many serious issues at hand and we are constantly chatting with them, trying to offer support and helpful information. Of utmost concern is Jen's eight year old daughter.

We are not sleeping too well. We are tired all the time. Admidst all this I am trying hard to get business going for myself. It involves a constant outpouring of money at this point. Thing is, it will come back to me eventually. I have never been one to have a lot of patience but I am having to learn to be patient right now as most things for me are a waiting game. I am trying to take time daily to do something that will brighten things for the family up there. Jen loves frogs and my neighbor found one that is like a koosh ball. We got that in the mail to her. I also mailed her an angel that said "My sister's laughter brightens the gloomiest of days."When Jen last saw a doctor, one who was less than warm he gave her a long list of bad news. When he was done he asked her if she had any questions. She looked at him seriously and asked "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck............" he didn't even smile, just walked away. We all laughed when she told us that saying he clearly doesn't understand the type of people that this family are. Irish people are used to dealing with tragedy in this way. You do what you can for the moment, you shrug off the worry and you go on your way. Not such a bad way to be. We got to dispense our gifts and our hugs this past weekend and it was grand. I forgot my card for the camera and batteries but next trip I will make sure I have them so I can post pics.

Stop the Noise in my Head

I am struggling with a host of feelings, not of which are good.
Firstly, my sister-in-law got a positive report at the doctor. This comes on the heels of a very negative report. Now I don't know what to think and it angers me that they give any reports without having and weighing all information first. I want to feel relieved but I'm afraid to, at least just yet.

I am finding the pitfalls of my newfound profession. I just don't have the energy to go into it all but it frustrates me to no end that people don't know what they want. You work hard to help them and then they change their mind and have someone else do what they have now decided they want. So, now I will be smarter and the next people will have to commit to me, IN WRITING before I spend my time with them. My time is my opportunity to make money. I deserve loyalty as do they.

I need to be in more than one place this weekend. I cannot clone myself and I will be hurting someone no matter where I am at.

I want to curl up into a ball (just like a cat) and hibernate for at least a week. I didn't sleep last night. The reason is that my neighbor left her cell phone here and didn't know it. She kept calling the cell phone number to find it in her house but it rang in MY house. It woke me up late and it woke me up early. My stomach was in a knot because the ring was identical to mine and I kept assuming my phone was malfunctioning when it showed that no one had called. In desperation I called the last number that had called me and woke up a potential client. NOT good. This morning I came across the cell phone and realized what had happened. I think this neighbor owes me, what do you think? I am tired and damn cranky and we won't even begin to discuss how much I miss getting a paycheck.

Mr. Sandman please visit me...........soon and for a long visit.

The Ten Commandments for Pets

Ten Commandments
For Pet Owners

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from
you will be very painful.
2. Give me time to understand what you want from me. Do
not break my spirit with your temper, though I will always
forgive you. Your patience will teach me more effectively.
3. Please have me spayed or neutered.
4. Treat me kindly, my beloved friend, for no heart in all the
world is more grateful for your kindness than mine. Don’t be
angry with me for long, and don’t lock me up as punishment.
After all, you have your job, your friends, your entertainment.
I have only you.
5. Speak to me often. Even if I don’t understand your words,
I understand your voice when it’s speaking to me. Your voice
is the sweetest sound I ever hear, as you must know by my
enthusiasm whenever I hear your footsteps.
6. Take me in when it’s cold and wet. I’m a domestic animal
and am no longer accustomed to the bitter elements. I ask for
little more than your gentle hands petting me. Keep my bowl
filled with water. Feed me good food so that I may stay well,
to romp and play and do your bidding. By your side, I stand
ready, willing and able to share my life with you, for that is
what I live for. I’ll never forget how well you’ve treated me.
7. Don’t hit me. Remember, I have teeth that could easily
crush the bones in your hand, but I choose not to bite you.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask
yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I’m not
getting the right food, I’ve been out in the sun too long, or
my heart may be getting weak.
9. Take care of me when I get old. For you will grow old, too.
10. When I am old, or when I no longer enjoy good health,
please do not make heroic efforts to keep me going. I am not
having fun. Just see to it that my trusting life is taken gently.
And be with me on that difficult journey when it’s time to say
goodbye. Never say, “I just can’t bear to watch.” Everything is
easier for me when you are there. I will leave this earth
knowing with my last breath that my fate was always safest
in your hands. I love you.

(This is what I had printed with my name, cell phone and email addy on it to give clients.

I thought it was beautiful and on their worst days I could never imagine living without my furry boys. I still miss my beautiful Sandie who has been gone two years now. The intense pain of her loss is no longer fresh but her presence is sorely missed. )

Biding Time

We found out yesterday that we should go see Rob's family next weekend instead of this one.
Our niece will be with her father this weekend and we all agree that she should have some time with us. That means being patient another week. I tried to keep busy yesterday but frankly I didn't do much although I talked to my sister-in-law three times on the phone. Her mother finds if difficult to talk about these things and I am able to so I am trying to fill that square for her.

I went to see houses this morning. We had lunch served at a few. I tried not to overeat and I feel sluggish and am thinking that some of the food might have had MSG. Not good. It is quickly approaching 3 and I have floor coverage tonight from 6-9. That means I answer phones or handle people who walk in. It's a dreary day with constant rain and many streets and yards with the melting snow look like lakes. It has warmed up quite a bit. Today would be a good day for me to have sunshine as opposed to rain. Rob loves the rain. He likes to lay in bed and listen to it as he drifts off to sleep. I have always found the rain to be depressing but I am trying to view it differently now. So far it really isn't working though.

I bought the neatest bookmarks to give out about the ten commandments for pets. I really like it and it has my name, information and picture on the bottom. Today I received my business cards that I had waited weeks for. Any day my personalized other items will be arriving. In this business you need to give things away that have your name on them. These things are not cheap so I try to put a lot of thought into them. Have any of you ever received anything from a realtor that you really liked? My financial guy told me he loves to receive recipe cards. I have seen jar openers, fly swatters, notepads and memo boards. I am currently searching for a glass or plastic house that I can use as a candy dish for my open houses.

Well maybe I will take a rainy day nap before I have to leave for the office. Rainy days and Mondays always get me sleepy!

Ash Wednesday and the feelings of the day

Normally on Ash Wednesday I work my schedule around going to a service and receiving ashes. I like the symbolism that we come from ashes and we return to ashes. I like to keep myself on track remembering what in life is truly important.

At 7:30 this morning I received a phone call from my sister-in-law Jennifer, the baby of the family. She had a cat scan yesterday and the results were shocking. She had surgery last Fall for a tumor in the nerve over her voice box. It turned out to be cancerous. They thought they had it all but later realized the "stump" of the tumor was still in the voicebox. They decided radiation was necessary and she just endured two long months of it. She was desperately ill and unable to eat because she has lost most of her ability to swallow. About a month ago she had a feeding tube put in. That has helped to control the weightloss which was holding at a mere 90 pounds. She is not a large woman but still. So, the doctors had warned that the cancer might return. Perhaps as early as two years. Yesterday they confirmed that it already has and is now moving up into her skull. I listened to her talk for a long time. Obviously, her main concern is her seven year old daughter. I made some suggestions to help them both through this rough time. She said she is prepared to have more surgeries or do whatever is necessary. This May her daughter, our niece, is going to make her first holy communion. She is very excited about that. We all are. Today I feel numb. I want to do things I am powerless to do. All I can do is try to listen for the most part. It doesn't seem like much though. We are considering going up to Rhode Island for the weekend but waiting to see if that's a good idea for them.

Sometimes little things in life seem important. Then something like this happens and you realize how vulnerable we all are. How precious each day is. I still have hope. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. That is my mind set. At times like this the close to three hundred miles between us makes it feel a world apart. I need to hug my unicorn sister. Soon.

Ch ch changes

Before I do my entry I want to say that I was saddened by reading the post by Pennie. For those of you who journaled on AOL you will remember the blonde Pennie who did such humorous entries and stoicly dealt with her polio which came back with a vengance when she was an adult. She wrote about her love and muse, BoSoxBlue as well. I read that Pennie had a brain anneurysm and is now in a rehab. For all of those who knew her, please keep her in your thoughts and prayers and I hope that someday soon we will be reading one of her entries again.

I don't know why I resist change so much. In fact most change has been good for me. Still, I was so reluctant to change my blog to the new format. For one thing, I found it difficult, if not impossible for me to leave comments. I have solved that mystery. I was trying to sign in using my blogger name and password. It will only accept my gmail name and password which are different. After my first comment it automatically fills in that information and although I have entered my gmail addy, it shows my blogger name. Problem solved.

My neighbor I am good friends with has the flu, as do many coworkers. I just wish when people got the flu they would stay home until they were better. And when they resurfaced, I wish they would wear gloves and use sanitizer. My neighbor does all that. When you go to her house you can see sanitizer everywhere. Neither her husband, nor her daughter have the flu and I think that is partly why. Being the germ phobe that I am , I have offered to get her anything she wants and leave it on her porch for her to retrieve when I have safely returned to my own home. She seemed to think that was a good deal.

I think I have IPOD envy. My sweetheart has generously made me a playlist on his IPOD. He has the shuffle from last year that he takes to work and he leaves the new one here. When I am in the kitchen I have it in the docking station. It makes so much more sense to listen to music this way. Instead of playing an entire CD that you only like 2 songs from, you can make a play list of music you really like. It's so much more cost effective to pay 99 cents for ONE song as opposed to about 15 dollars for a CD that you want one song from. Why didn't anyone think of this sooner? I still refuse to have a cell phone that plays music though. My experience is that cell phones don't last long enough to make all that effort with. Just copying the address book is enough. My ancient cell phone had a great feature. You could put someone's HOME, CELL, BUS numbers all in one entry. I loved that. The Razor doesn't allow me to do that. I have to have separate entries for each. Much too confusing. It does have other nice features and BlueTooth technology is great when you're driving. In New Jersey it is illegal to drive while talking on the phone so for the price of less than one ticket you might as well get the ear piece. Besides, I like to be safe in the car.

My new job has forced me to learn about all the technology to make it easier for me. I purchased a GPS which I really needed and I am loving it. I found the best for me was the cheapest. For $299.00 plus tax I can put an address in and just go. There are so many new developments, it just simplifies things. Rather than reading words or a map while driving, this pleasant voice tells me when to turn. If I make a mistake or take a shortcut I hear "Recalculating..." I have an electronic key that gets me into the lockboxes. Many homeowners are opposed to having a lockbox but with this technology it's a great tool for them. The key lets the homeowner or listing agent know who went into the house and when. You can also have your same key updated for neighboring counties. It's amazing. I find I am embracing all this technology that is making my life easier. The hardest part is just making sure all of these devices get charged! Surely sometime soon they will make a device to remind us of all the devices that need charging.

This song is for Jennifer. One of my teen favorites that my childhood best friend and I use to sing......and honestly, sometimes we still do. :)

Who are the people in your neighborhood?

It takes a while to get going in this business. I need to get some listings. Anyone reading this want to sell? I have a few buyers already. That is encouraging. I have learned that real estate agents must be available about twenty hours a day. They work really hard for their money and they need a good background in psychology. Different people need different things. I love the diversity of the people that we meet. I love helping someone find the home that will be the biggest investment that they will make and also the place where their memories will be formed.
I have owned three homes now and I know what they have meant to me. Each with their own happy times and good points.

I am so happy to have a home now surrounded by caring neighbors. The other day when we had the bad ice storm followed by a few inches of snow Rob discovered that his wiper blades had shredded. He called our neighbor who works at Toyota and asked him if he could bring home two for him. Later that night, when Keith got off work he not only brought the blades over but installed them on the truck before running home for his supper. When Rob called him he told him that he could give him the money another time he was just sitting down to watch American Idol. Gotta love neighbors like this and I surely do.

My mother is making steady improvement. She has moments of weakness and that frustrates her. Her sleeping patterns are not back to normal yet. That takes weeks after a hospital stay. I can no longer look at her and not realize that she is 75 years old and in fragile health. My family was never a kissy/huggy type family. I can count the times in my entire life that my mother kissed me. Seriously. When she was in the hospital I leaned over and kissed her goodbye when I left. The other night I through my arms around her and hugged her and kissed her. She actually called to thank me for doing that and when she hung up very quietly I heard "love ya." I am sitting here crying even thinking about that. I have made it my late new years resolution to hug and kiss her more. Hugs are healing. Emotional healing. It's heard to initiate that when you have not grown up with it but I am determined that if I do it enough, it will feel natural.

Wash those hands please.....!!!!!!!

Last Friday night when I arrived at my mother's house she was so ill. We thought it was the flu.
Later the doctor said the infection was in her kidneys which looked very bad on the pet scan.
We have now learned that she became ill from an Ecoli bacterial infection. Seriously ill. The bacteria entered her blood and was everywhere in her body. She was just taken off IV yesterday and put on pills. She says she can never remember being so sick in her entire life.
Another day or so would have been too late to get her medical attention. I just read an entry by Judith HeartSong about someone trying to hand out one of the restaurant pagers which had been contaminated by the woman's hands which had just wiped her nose and touched her dirty tissues. With all the media attention and shows about this topic, I certainly wish people would be more germ conscious. I had my spleen removed at age 23 and since then I have been almost fanatical about being exposed to germs. This was heavily reinforced after my heart surgery. I carry a bottle of gel sanitizer in my purse and in my car. I refuse to shake the hand of someone who is obviously ill and when I arrive in the supermarket I use the gel or a wipe to disinfect the handle of the carriage. My doctor told me this is a huge source of bacteria.

Last night I woke up at 5 a.m. to the sound of ice pelting my bedroom window. Unable to go back to sleep, I went downstairs and began my traditional Valentine heart shaped cookies.
Got them done around 8 a.m. when I went back to bed for two hours. School was closed today. Kids were going door to door offering to shovel driveways for a few dollars apiece. Under the inches of snow lies a solid sheet of ice. I advised Rob not to go to work today but he wanted to.
When he arrived he found so many people were out and the faithful ones who fought the weather and arrived were expected to work twice as hard. He called earlier and now his back is acheing again. I reminded him he will be coming home to a wonderful dinner and some TLC.
That seemed to cheer him up a bit.

Tomorrow I have to leave here at 7:30 a.m. to attend a training seminar about 45 minutes away. I hope the roads will be clear. I just got my car back from a repair and cannot bare the thought of another accident. Neither can my insurance carrier!

It's snowy and white and a winter wonderland. I will stop now and go make some cookie deliveries. Happy Valentines Day to all my friends and their families and significant others.
Happy Valentines Day to Rob with a heartfull of love.

OH for a boring life..........

Since Tuesday my mother has been sick. By sick I mean unable to hold any food down, no appetite and days and nights inside the bathroom. I talked to her on the phone and she wanted no part of going to the doctors. Last night I made a huge chicken and took some over there for supper. When I saw the condition she was in I could not believe my eyes. My mother is 75 yrs. old but goes to a flea market every Saturday and walks for hours. Honestly, sometimes she seems more energetic than me. She was so weak she could no longer get to the bathroom although she needed to. My 84 yr. old father and myself got her changed twice and cleaned up in the brief time we tried to get her into a vehicle. Although she resisted I told her she simply had to get medical attention. I had been up since 7 that morning and had a frustrating day. I knew what had to be done and prayed I could stay awake long enough to do it. We got her into their van and into the ER and within an hour she was in a private ER room. They had immediately confirmed my diagnosis that she was severely dehydrated. They got an iv bag of fluid into her quickly and did some blood tests. It was soon discovered she had quite an infection. I left the ER about 1 a.m. although they still had not taken her up to her room. My father was unbearable by now and insisting they both belonged in a nursing home. I think I got about four hours sleep before heading back today. She looked drastically improved and was even eating small portions of food. They are giving her two antibiotics intravenously. I shuuder to think what would have happened had I not taken her to the hospital. I think in another day or so she might not have pulled through.

Although tired I made it to the Cingular Wireless store today and got a pink Razor. This will be an early Valentines present. I got the bluetooth headset which was part of a package, good deal. After the rebate it will have cost me $89. I'll be styling. lol My old phone was so old that well you don't even want to think about it. It couldn't take pictures, not that I use my cel phone for pics.

Today I was forced (yes by cyber gun point) to change my blog. Since several of my friends have done this I have been unable to post comments in their blogs. I love their blogs and it has been very frustrating to freeze up every time I have tried. Sometimes I email the comments and other times I just am too lazy. Forgive me.

Well I need to go call and see if the doctor has shared any further updates with my mother.
You know yesterday for the first time I looked at her in a different light. This woman who I always thought would be there looked old and fragile. It hit me that there may be a day where she won't be. I saw her not as the strong parental figure but as a vulnerable and weak elderly person and it was shocking. I heard one of the nurses refer to her as an old lady and it got to me.
On the whole the nurses weren't great but one was, Jason. He really bonded with both of us and was frustrated when they sent him elsewhere for an hour but he made his way back. After I left my mother said he kept a close eye on her, even coming up to say goodbye when his shift ended. I find that small kindnesses at a time like that are worth their weight in gold. Bless you Jason.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr It's Cold

The temperature has really dropped here in Jersey and it's cold. I want to go back to Vegas now. Seriously. I miss my Elvis machine like crazy. The one that I won $21 on and I was never a gambler before that. Well, not with real money anyway.

My car is in the shop. On Saturday I had a fender bender. Or was it Friday? Well anyway my car is getting fixed for $400 which I have to pay. Mr. I don't park in the designated rows tells me his car will be $2300 to repair. He offered to let me give him the money and not go through my insurance company. I said no. His car is not even in his name but his company's. He apparently talked them into letting me give them the cash but no thank you just the same. I pay about $2400 a year for car insurance and they can get the tab on this one.

I had a great open house on Sunday. Lots of people and some of them are looking to buy a house. That excites me! Many people go to open houses and fudge their name, or address, or email or phone number. Often they are later embarssed to fess up to that. It's a shame because sometimes you want to contact someone with something you know they want and you can't. I have had a revelation: real estate agents work really hard for their money.

Today I took Rob to work and I must drive his truck to attend a meeting and pick up some groceries. I do not like driving a truck. Not sure if this is because my legs are VERY short or I hate being so high up. The roads were icey this morning and I had to be very careful. This truck can be put into four wheel drive but that does not help on ice, it just helps get through snow. I will never be a truck driving kind of girl I guess. Give me a car with cruise control, a great stereo and tilt a wheel steering and I am a happy driver. Once I get a car with these features I hang onto it for about ten years and it's hard to part with it. This car is pushing 7.

I woke up with a blemish on my face today. How can you be in your 50s and still be breaking out? Mother Nature is cruel. My hair is thinner and with static electricity everywhere due to the constant heat running I am a sorry sight today. It will get worse once I bundle up. My chest has the crackling sound I get from asthma which is due to the cold. I tell you I am one sexy woman today. I need to change out of my jeans with the hole in my knee and put on some professional looking slacks, try to tame my mane, cover my zit, wrap myself up warmly and drive the massive truck over to my meeting. Lord help me.

Happy Birthday my McDreamy

Today is my darling Rob's birthday.
Happy Birthday Baby!
I met Rob just about seven years ago. The first night I met him I was really taken by his smile and gentle way. Many things have taken place in those seven years, good times and bad times. I have to say that even doing the bad times Rob was never less than a caring gentlman. I am so grateful to have him in my life. Last week when my friend invited us to go to Las Vegas and be their honor attendants for their wedding Rob readily agreed, despite an intense fear of flying. He did it and had a great time. Rob is all about having fun.

Yesterday I made a run for bird seed to our local country animal food type store.
On the way out I saw a car coming in and ASSumed they were heading to park in the line of cars that all the others were in. I looked in my rear view and saw it moving. I began to slowly back up and saw nothing in the mirror when I felt resistance as in a heavy metal object. I pulled forward and realized I had hit an SUV. He was in my blind spot I guess. My car received minor damage but his rear passenger door took a nice beating. I was very apologetic to the man, who turned out to be a very nice guy. I did ask him why he had parked in the MIDDLE of the parking lot. He didn't really have an explanation for that. Now I had to call my insurance and put in a claim. I'm not trying to pass the buck. It was my fault and I should have been more careful. Still, I am somewhat annoyed that someone would just park their car in the middle of two rows of parked cars (the parking lot has NO lines of where to park.) Rob, as always, was understanding and even came home early to make sure I was okay. I always know that when the dark clouds are overhead I have a wonderful caring and loving spouse that will make it all seem better. Having spent decades of having to take care of everyone else and not getting much support, I can appreciate him all the better. When we came back from Vegas our friend Don called and asked me if I appreciated Rob. I responded yes and he said that Rob was one of the nicest people he had ever met. Even though I alrady knew that it was good to hear. I am blessed and grateful for it.