Do Do Do Do Do Do Feeling Groovy..................

I am enjoying my two days home this weekend. So much it's almost indescribable. Yesterday and today I slept over an hour later than usual. Yesterday I got a lot of cleaning accomplished, and groceries purchased. Cleaned out a few closets. Had a relaxing evening and today I got up baked banana bread and brownies. The weather is invigorating! Sunny with an Autumn chill.

I am feeling much better about things these days. I have my own computer (although people do use it when I am not there) and my desk. I have a drawer in which I can leave some items. It's so great to have a small space that feels private when in a work environment. Things that were problems have been resolved. The owner of our company is both insightful and diplomatic.
As we all know, the real estate market which was once red hot has cooled but there is still activity. As our course instructor points out, it's not as rough as when interest rates were 18%.
Can't imagine having been through that. I am not sure that my licensed will be used as an active agent. Just having it makes me more useful to my office as New Jersey has clear restrictions on non licensed people giving out information of any kind.

I have finally begun reading again. It's simply wonderful to enjoy that once forgotten pleasure.
I am currently reading a book called Sex Over Fifty. This was given to me by one of my friends at my 50th birthday party. I read a passage of it to my husband last night as he was watching the hockey game. Seriously, this was almost soft core porn. I guess the author figures he will titillate people with his writings and they will think his book a success. When I finish reading this book I will be reading White Oleander by Janet Fitch after reading Cynthia's review of it in her journal, A Crazy Quilt Life. She has a great blog and often writes about books that I later read. I used to get the New York Times and make a list each week of books I wanted to read. About seven years ago I stopped for financial reasons. Now I am starting to read again. I feel so alive. It's incredible compared to how I felt last year at this time. I find I am sleeping better and my mind is clearer. The memory problems do exist but I am just studying more to compensate for them.

This is my favorite season. I cannot say how much I love the Fall. The leaves falling is something I have loved since a small child. We live near many apple orchards and you can go and pick your own. I don't have time for that but I can go and buy the freshly picked ones. They have the cider freshly made and even donuts made from the cider. The trees are simply breathtaking right now. I drive down the road slowly on my way to work soaking it all in. I wish I could have all my internet friends over for coffee on the patio. Just to share the beauty in my world.

Speaking of internet friends, thank you Jennifer (my blogging mentor) for setting up my journal so that I could have paragraphs. You're the best. You and Walter.
Also: thanks to Angel for this tag. She is so talented and so generous with her talents! (Not able to upload the tag at this moment but I will try again!)

Frazzled

Today is a Thursday. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I am here trying to study. Notice I said trying. Even though I have asked family and friends not to phone me or drop by, they still seem compelled to do so. I have the attention span of a gnat these days. I don't know if it's age, physical conditions, or mental problems. Perhaps C: all of the above. I only know that the slightest thing is a major distraction for me, breaking my flow of thoughts. At times I feel that I have bitten off more than I can chew. For the first time in my life I have missed scheduled dental and doctor appointments. Some days I am in such a hurry, I don't even check my calendar, which has always been a morning ritual. I just can't seem to get it together with this course. I was an A student.

Is this what happens when estrogen flees from your body? I don't think the fact that I am menopausal is insignificant.

Today I have a full plate, as usual. I have been up since 6:45. I have fed the pets, cleaned the kitchen after breakfast, made the bed and studied ONE of two chapters. Retained perhaps 50% of the facts, and calculated my math problems incorrectly. I who tutored others in algebra. I am now taking a break before showering. After that I have to drive to Rob's work, pick up his check and drive to the bank where we have an emergency savings account. I will cash both our checks there and then drive to the bank where we have our (free) checking account to deposit the cash. That covers the mortgage check I had to mail yesterday. After that I will return home attempting to absorb the next chapter and finish the review for 15 chapters (Lord help me!)

About 3, I have to leave for the cardiologist. I will then have to face the music for totally missing my last appointment, for the little change in my cholesterol and weight......and he wonders why there are times I need tranquilizers. I really like this doctor. I have a lot of faith in him and truly believe had I not found him when I did I would most likely not be here now. He is very serious and when he gives orders he expects them to be followed........to the letter. I get that. Part of me appreciates that. Another part thinks that he doesn't understand how hard it is to incorporate all of this into a stressed out, little time for relaxation life.

When I leave the cardiologist I will go to school where I will be quizzed. Not sure if my carpooling buddy will be going tonight. She went on Tuesday but was sick and has been out of work all week until today. The Woody Allen aspect of my personality is wondering if she is showering me with germs in the shared vehicle.

I cannot create paragraphs today. I could barely get onto Blog Spot. Sorry for my continuous flow of words here. It's not that I didn't want paragraphs.....it's just that I couldn't. (Inability to create paragraphs is just another one of those menopausal symptoms. Love ~ jennifer.)

Okay time to kick it up a notch and take my shower. Those ten or fifteen minutes are often the most relaxing part of my day. Although to be honest, there are days I can't fit that in either!

Did I mention that my final exam will be the Tuesday after Thanksgiving? God give me strength. Seriously.

Frustration thy name is Verizon

I am hardly able to use my internet connection in the past few days. Actually, all my phone related problems began when Verizon decided to put fiber optic cable in our neighborhood. The first time it rained my phone line hummed so badly I could not hear people on the other end.
When I called them, and they came over a week later, they said there was water in the box (our lines are underground and there is a small tower which contains the wires). They lifted it and when the water ran out the problem appeared to be okay......until the next rain. Next repairman said that the box needed to be lifted higher because this problem would keep recurring. He was correct. It has. Today I made my fourth call to Verizon and listed all the problems I have had. Calls to their DSL customer service told me there was nothing they could do for me. Had to deal with Verizon phone repair. At this point I am giving them a few short days to correct the problem If not corrected I will be switching to a cable connection. That means changing my business address from Verizon. Frankly, Verizon has nailed themselves to the wall with their huge cuts in customer service and now not fixing the problems they are creating by installing new unwanted lines. Not one person I know wants to switch from the present cable company........especially not with the service we receive with our phone problems. Today I couldn't wait for some emails containing pictures to download. Dial up was as quick as what I am currently experiencing for the cost of over $30 per month.

I worked today. It was really rainy and cold. I wanted to stay in bed today but forced myself to crawl out at 9 a.m. I only worked until 2 because I went to a viewing for a coworker's mother. This stoic woman lived to be 94 and until her last year she lived quite a life. Her daughter is a lovely woman and a great example of caring for others.

My sinuses are really bothering me with all the damp weather. I was put on antibiotics to try to get them in order. My blood was way too thin and I had to have that adjusted. I am hoping I will be feeling better with these medicines in check. I have been very tired lately.

I have ordered a few Christmas presents. When the weather cools my mind turns to Christmas and the upcoming holidays. I wish that I could make donations to charities instead of commercial gifts. I am thinking of alternative gifts. My parents will be receiving a small Christmas tree with handmade ornaments containing pictures of their children, grandchildren and two great grandchildren. I am trying to think of something meaningful for my son. My one coworker is not exchanging with anyone in her family this year. She said they do big birthdays but she just couldn't take the commercialism or pressure. Her kids are all grown and resisted at first but now seem to enjoy not being pressured themselves either. It's an interesting idea. Not sure I could get some of my family to get on board with that idea. My son would be most receptive.

My eyes are tired and I think it's time to call it a night. Hoping I can sleep in a bit tomorrow morning. Sweet dreams to us all.........and to all a goodnight.

Of sleepless nights and troubling thoughts

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I can go right to sleep when my head hits the pillow but I wake around 3 or 4 a.m. and lay awake for hours. My mind kicks into high gear at that time. I have so much to worry about right now. I am working and taking a class that requires a lot of studying. I have a midterm this week and am worried about that.

My sister had her surgical procedure and we are now waiting to hear the results of her biopsy. I am giving her the space she wants while trying to be supportive in a way that is acceptable to her. She refuses to worry until she has something concrete to worry about. I am respecting her way of dealing with this.

One of my friends rushed ahead into a relationship that is now throwing up red flags for her. I am walking on eggs, trying to help her sort things out. Her last significant other caused huge problems in our relationship. I want her to be happy and I am concerned that she may hurt this person that she assured she would not.

Rob and I seem to be on different schedules work wise. I work two Saturdays each month and usually he doesn't work on Saturdays. The past few months it seems he has had an opportunity to work,but only on the Saturdays that I have off. Yesterday I went to a craft show with my sister-in-law. When Rob got home we went out for a bite to eat. We are both so tired these days that we flop into bed, passing out when our heads hit the pillow. (He isn't sleeping that well either. His sister will be starting chemo any day. His family never calls us and the only way we find anything at all out is to call them. ) Today we got up and Rob got our ladder out and we brought down our Halloween things from the attic. That cheered us up a bit. We have lots of stuff! Rob vacumned for me since my left wrist is so painful and weak. Afterwards he helped me to stir the dough and I made peanut butter cookies. My son was ill and we ran in his direction and took some, along with clean laundry that had been left here. Afterwards we ran to a country store that we like. It was a nice day. Not at all that relaxing but still we had a day together.

I know the worth of a good marriage. I worry that with all I have on my plate I am not doing enough to keep mine the way I want it to be. I am feeling my age these days. I don't have the energy I once did. I like my house to be tidy and organized. I like to go to work with a decent appearance. I like to give my pets the time and energy they deserve. I just can't seem to find the time to do it ALL. Anna Quindlen was so right. We can have it all but not at the same time. Once school ends late November, I will enjoy the extra time I will then have. In the grand scheme of things, nothing is more important than the relationship I have waited years for. My brilliant friend Diana, once told me that love is more about the way the person makes you feel about yourself, than how you feel about them. Rob makes me feel like the most loved woman there is. I only hope that I make him feel the same way, even when I am too tired to do the little things to show him that.

The waiting is the hardest part.........

Tom Petty you had that right. I hate waiting. Patience may be a virtue but it is not one that I have. Today I have been waiting and forcing my attentions elsewhere. My sister found out in June that she had a tumor in her pancreas. She asked us not to tell anyone. She was supposed to have it removed August 31. She postponed it until today. Thing is, that today they are trying to remove it without cutting her abdomen open. They are not sure until they try if it can be done. If not, she will have the traditional type surgery at a future date. The pathology will be determined when it is removed. Until then, there remains a cloud of uncertainty.

I took my first test on Tuesday night and scored an 85. What was troubling was that I had changed two answers from the correct to the wrong choices or I would have had an 89. Damn second guessing. I won't make that mistake again. I did a five chapter review this afternoon and next week I think will be our midterm. As long as you pass the final exam you are eligible to take the test for the state licensing. If you fail it, you are eligible to retake it as many times as necessary for up to ONE year. (At a small fee of $60 each test). If you have not passed it by then you are required to take the course again, and yes this does happen to some people. I think they give up after a few tries and then decide to try again later. We have a few of repeaters in our class.

I got an interesting phone call today from the college bookstore. My book ordered for the first class in early September has now arrived. I advised them that I had to order one from online when I was four chapters behind. They only expected less than thirty people to take this course and over sixty signed up. I guess most had to rely on Barnes and Noble as did I.

I am enjoying this course. I have a tight schedule with working and taking this couse but I know it's for a short period of time. It's a good diversion from worrying as well. Back to the books..........

William Butler Yeats

(Cannot get this poem out of my mind:)

W.B. Yeats (1865–1939). Responsibilities and Other Poems. 1916.

53. The Young Man’s Song

I WHISPERED, ‘I am too young,’

And then, ‘I am old enough’;

Wherefore I threw a penny

To find out if I might love.

‘Go and love, go and love, young man,

If the lady be young and fair,’

Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,

I am looped in the loops of her hair.



Oh, love is the crooked thing,

There is nobody wise enough

To find out all that is in it,

For he would be thinking of love

Till the stars had run away,

And the shadows eaten the moon.

Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,

One cannot begin it too soon.

The complete lack of discipline

Today I relapsed. To my online addiction......reading message boards and looking through the many websites in my favorites. Where did the hours go? It's now 1 p.m. and although I did have two length phone conversations with friends, I have done little more than find time to woof a hot dog down for lunch. Yes, sadly, I am still in my p.j.s......the ones with the flip flops on them. I haven't had a day like this in so long......and it feels good.

I must pull myself together in the next half hour and go downstairs and hit the book. Yes, just one. Still, it is heavy material. I must get dressed. I must give the pets some attention. I must wash my face and put on some make up. I am trying to get myself into some good routines. I used to wear make up for many years. Then, when I was out of work and home recovering from surgery I stopped. Recently, someone gave me a Macy's gift certificate and I went in and treated myself to make up. They had an Estee Lauder giveaway where you spent $25 and got a huge bag of free stuff. I am now the proud owner of 3 lipsticks, 2 mascaras, 2 blushes and some eye shadows. I now NEED these things. I need to hide my flaws. At least cammo what I can.
I work with women who have such great makeup. Honestly, don't think I will ever be that good. They look professionally made up. I on the other hand can barely manage to get the basics on. I just don't think of it until the last second. It's almost humorous at how I go about this task. I am getting better.

Tonight it is my turn to drive. I am nervous about driving other people. New Jersey is nothing if not the law suit capital of the world. We have lawyers the way some states have plumbers.

My son lost his wallet over the weekend. Found out just how ridiculous laws can be. He needs a birth certificate to get another license. In the move five years ago, one of us put it somewhere where it cannot be found. When I attempted to get another one I found out that he would need a copy of his LICENSE to apply for it. Can we say Catch 22? New Jersey offers a six point ID system. Most things are only one point such as a utility bill, ss card, bank statement, while a birth certificate is four points. You know the one you can't get without the license with the photo. Military discharge papers are worth two. He will have to go with his military discharge papers and FOUR other one point items and hope they are all accepted. ONCE he has the license, we can send a copy of it along with his forms to get an original birth certificate. That will be put in a vault and hermetically sealed. From now on I plan to keep my driver's license in my bra, the only place it will be truly secure. Apparently, it has become my most important document now. After all, when I went to get it I had to produce a NEW birth certificate with the state seal (original which had been good for fifty years was now rejected), my mariage certificate to my first husband, divorce papers from my first husband, marriage certificate to current (aka good) husband, and my vehicle registration. Oddly, I was not required to bring my firstborn for this transaction to use as a bargaining tool.

I understand that this is the fallout from 9/11. Are government officials really preventing terrorists though? OR are they inconveniencing people like me, who lose time off of work (and pay) to navigate through this system? I honestly don't think anyone who is willing to give up their life for their fanatical beliefs will care if they have a VALID driver's license. Chances are they will drive without one or use a fake. Most people who want one can find someone in New York City to buy one from. Most underage high school kids know how to obtain one. Seriously, this is absurd.

Now........time to get going. Have a good one.

Putting on my college student uniform

Tonight I have another class.......I should be leaving in a few minutes but find myself mysteriously here still on the computer.

I mentioned my new desk. It has a phone on it with my own extension. Best of all it has a spanking brand new Dell computer with a killer flat screen large monitor. Oh how I love that monitor. Wish I had one just like it at home. I have a large monitor but the glare is hard on my eyes. (I have glaucoma which thankfully is controlled by eyedrops.) I also have the wonderful sunflower calendar my darling gave me at Christmas for my work area (which then was non specific). I am really happy now to have all the comforts of a real work area.

Tonight I go to school. My lovely coworker and classmate is giving me a lift. She only lives a few miles from me. We have different bosses, she works as an assistant to one man while I am an assistant to the current owner and staff support as well. There are days I really enjoy my job.
Yesterday I worked until 4 and got a phone call when I got home. I had forgotten my cardiologist appointment yesterday. (Actually I had blocked the day square with a party invitation for this Sunday.) Oops! On the other hand I think it's wonderful that instead of worrying about my health I am moving forward with my life and let it slip my mind. Other than being tired because I just don't get enough sleep, I am feeling pretty good. Well, it's not like I'm that old......I mean I am a college student ........ of sorts.

Did anyone notice my lovely pink clock? Courtesy of Jennifer aka Xzasporated1? Gotta love it.

Anticipation

I am actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow. First time in a long time that I feel that way. There was a bit of tension but the owner of the company whom I have known for nearly thirty years has put that to rest. Honestly, she is a negotiator of the highest degree. She is able to see through the motives of people and see both the good and bad qualities in others. She tactfully handles difficult situations and with the patience of all involved, gets everyone back on course. The tension has been laid to rest and a few small changes have been made that I think will make all happy. Until recently, desk space was at a premium. I didn't have my own desk but kind of used whatever space was available. There were limited computers and at times I got bumped from the one I was using because I am support staff and have to accomodate the important people there. It was tough at times. Imagine if you weren't feeling your best and had to wonder about looking for a place to be. This week the person who had my desk in the reception area was placed in a quieter area which she had wanted and I finally have a desk. This is no small feat and I was thrilled. On Friday to make things even better a computer arrived, a brand new Dell with a giant flat screen monitor. I almost cried with joy! There is a weekend person who will use the desk and computer at times but that's ok, I have a space when I am there. I even have a desk to leave my purse in. I feel like I am a real employee. This past weekend was my weekend off and Rob had to work on Saturday. That seems to happen from time to time. When he got home we went to IHOP for a bite to eat. We accomplished a lot then and today. We managed to get to the toy store and buy our Godchild his birthday presents. He is a huge fan of Spiderman and all things must include this. In fact, he prefers to be called Spiderman. Our Godchild has some problems. They are trying to label him AHDH. I hate labels and often I feel that our society is too quick to want to label and medicate children. He does have a short attention span but I don't think his parents use much discipline on him. To be honest, I think he outsmarts them at every turn. I wish we lived closer to him and could take him for a few days at a time. In any event, he will love his indoor Spiderman tent we got him. I also got him a small Spiderman water cooler. (NOTE: I am not able to hit enter twice to form new paragraphs for some reason. When it seems I am not making new paragraphs this is why!) When I try to space down, I get these weird words that drop down to the new line. Anyone know how to fix this? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am tired. Been up both weekend mornings at 7. One downside to our fur boys is their early wakenings. Still.......I just couldn't see myself without them. Thinking of Connie tonight. I so wish I could show up at her door (of course with Jennifer in tow!) I just know some great DVDS and a weekend of popcorn and a few Cosmos and a keg..........would go a long way to boosting her spirits. When friends hurt, we hurt with them. I just feel that often when it seems the darkest, is when things suddenly turn around for us. Just when I thought my life couldn't get any darker, I made a knot in my rope and I hung on and suddenly it got really great. Oh Connie, I just have to believe that the best is yet to come for you. Just know that your friends truly care.....and always will.

This and That

My first day at school was interesting to say the least. I arrived an hour and a half early so that I could enter the classroom with my book in hand. I promptly learned that the bookstore was no longer where it had been but was now across the campus. I arrived there and gone were the wonderful gifts that they used to carry. Gone also was all the help that I had received so many years ago. The new bookstore required you to find your books on your own. Problem being that mine wasn't listed under a subject sign. I finally found someone who worked there and she pointed me in the right direction. Twenty minutes later I learned they were sold out of the book I needed. I then inquired what to do. I was told to fill out a form, get in line (that long line that wrapped around the aisles) and prepay for the book which was slated to arrive sometime Thursday. I then walked the entire campus back to the building my class was to be in. The instructor came in and you could see she was a bit troubled. Someone asked her and she said that earlier in the day her husband had been moved to a hospice. She quickly went into her professional mode and I was both stunned and impressed. I told her about my book situation. She told me that I was already supposed to have read and digested four chapters and there was going to be a pop quiz. Uh oh. Fortunately, I knew about 50% of the answers and she said I didn't really have to take the quiz but advised me to find the book elsewhere and quickly. A woman I knew turned to me and told me she had obtained two books. Her online order hadn't arrived and she bought one from the bookstore, only to have her other book arrive the following day. I met her the following morning and paid her for her book. Today I was able to read the four chapters. Our class was cancelled for this evening "due to illness in the instructor's family" and I am thinking of this fine woman and what she must be going through.

After reading the book and doing the exercises for each chapter I began to get ready for court. Today was the long awaited hearing for my neighbor. The cantankerous neighbor had signed a complaint against him for burning a chiminea, claiming it was a nuisance and bringing smoke into the house. We don't believe this is his real reason. He told another neighbor that he didn't care for the smell of smoke. Ken, our neighbor who was the defendant, had all the other neighbors come to court as his witnessed. I was psyched. Eager to get this over with once and for all. Should have known better. The complaintant decided last minute to drop the charges BUT without prejudice so he can refile them at will. Now this is getting absurd. I have missed work twice, as well as other neighbors. I think the complainer thinks we're playing a game and we will grow so tired of it that we will stop coming to court. He has no clue how stubborn I am........OR
how much I will support anyone I see as being victimized. I feel very strongly about this issue. In our town there is NO ordinance against using a chiminea. It is being used in a lawful and safe manor. This homeowner is being harassed every time he lights it because someone else does not want it lit. I am all about legal rights. Even ones that I don't care to exercise personally. I wanted my day in court and to tell the judge just that. In New Jersey part of your real estate is owning the air rights above the property. Ken has a right to fill the air above his property with smoke if he choses. The neighbor can close his windows (he has central air and they are usually closed anyway).

Thank you Jennifer for the lovely new links in my sidebar. Anyone who wants to be notified of entries, please sign up!

Tomorrow night a neighborhood celebration will take place. Chiminea will be lit. Beers all around. Toasting of hot dogs optional. Smiles and good times mandatory. I'll be wearing my college hoodie......or not. Despite a few rotten apples, I love this neighborhood. Relax Ken, we've got your back.

Taking a risk.........

I think I was bought up to fear things. Not from my Dad who was in the Navy and travelled the world but from my Mom who has never flown on a plane. She is terrified of lightning and what the neighbors might think. Imagine having to live your life in such a way. I just couldn't and as a teen I became somewhat rebellious and thought I would have a much different life. Sadly, because I married a controlling person, I ended up being a stay at home Mom. Not that my spouse wanted me home, he expected me to work. Thirty years ago there was no child care. I lived rurally and there was no place for my son to be. Besides, I felt responsible for his upbringing and had no education, so the only jobs I could get were low paying. When my son was in high school I began college. I went for three years before his illness forced me to stop. I never went back. I don't have the means to go back now. I did take a computer course over a year ago and have been working part time. I have decided for the next three months to take a course which will be two three hour evenings per week. I am going to try to get a real estate license. This will allow me to generate a lot more income. I already have some knowledge from working in a real estate office. It will be hectic for the next three months. I will miss having dinner two nights a week with Rob. Still, if I can find a way to earn more money he will profit from that as well. I have to go early this evening and purchase the book I will need. I haven't been on a college campus in fifteen years. This should be interesting. Unfortuately, me in a college book store is a dangerous thing. I love school supplies. Here I come spiral bound notebooks ..................

Remembering..................

Today I began to read all the tributes in the journals to the victims. Two stories touched me deeply.......the man whose wife took her on life a month later and that of a wee eight year old girl, Zoe, who lost her life. They are all such huge losses. I am emotionally drained tonight. Tonight I pray for all the loved ones of these victims. I pray that they will find some sort of peace. I pray that they will find comfort in knowing that so many others care. I pray for world peace.

Thoughts on September........

Although Fall is my very favorite season, September is a very emotionally charged month for me. On Sept. 4th, 1990 my son was diagnosed with leukemia. In the next few days we learned that his prognosis was really grim. Those were some painful days. During this time, the children were returning to school My son would not attend that entire year, his junior year. He was able to attend a few special functions but they were few and far between. To this day when I see the first school buses of the new year I get overwhelmed with emotion. I know that there are many sick children who won't be attending. I know there are children who will never again return to school or lead normal lifes. Somedays I wish I could return to the innocent days before it was made painfully real to me that children get sick and sometimes die. I never can though and all I can do is appreciate that my son was restored to good health and leads a physically normal life today. Of all things in my life, I am perhaps most grateful for that. To those of you reading this if all you have to be grateful for is your healthy child, that is something that money cannot buy and something many people do not have. You are blessed..........................................................Tomorrow is also the anniversary, fifth of another day that is emotionally charged for me. To those of you who read my other journal you know what that day was like for me. I worked for a Fortune 500 company that had insurance for most of the victims of the World Trade Towers and the firemen of New York City. I was driving to work when I heard the news. I continued on to work, prepared to sign onto the phone lines when a woman from the next cubicle began to scream hysterically. Her sister was one of the victims that day. We were quickly told to go home as we were in a pentagon type building and they were afraid that perhaps other important company buildings might be attacked. I was on the fifth floor and began to feel anxious. As I went to leave I desperately tried to get my darling Rob on the phone. All phone lines were jammed, regular and cel phone lines. I debated whether to drive to where he worked but instead raced home. I never could get a hold of him and he arrived home hours later. I spent the next few weeks answering calls from widows who wanted to inform me that their husbands were no longer alive. These calls were so heart wrenching. WE had to hit the mute button and choke back tears as we talked to these family members. That day I realized that our company was not attack proof as I had always believed. I also realized what it meant to see Americans pull together. In our development I heard many stories of people in the streets and cooking food for others who were in shock. We didn't move to this development until the following May. One guy across the street lost his business as a result. He had a flag pole erected. Tomorrow he will be flying a special flag that has the names of the victims forming the stripes. I will never think of 9/11 and not choke up. Never. I am so glad that some of the bloggers will be doing entries on the victims. They deserve to be the ones receiving the attention. I pray that tomorrow the families will get through it. My next door neighbor's boss lost her son. Like most other families, she will never be the same. Tomorrow I can only fly my flag as a small tribute and say once again to the brave (including an Episcapalan minister I recently met who is dying of lung cancer.....she was at Ground Zero consecrating bodies and this was no doubt a result of her exposure) THANK YOU. God bless America, the land of the free and truly, the home of the brave.

Always Surprising.........

I'm feeling very pensive today. I just read a rather shocking email from a high school friend. First an introduction to the friendship.......over my junior year summer vacation I got married. I did this the day after I was 17. The following Fall I was living in an apt. in a nearby town while attending the high school I had attended previously. One of my nosy teachers interrogated me one day and then reported to the office that I should not be in that school. I was promptly forced to either pay tuition of thousands of dollars or change schools. I changed schools and the first day there I met my friend whose name sounded so much like Bon Bon Sherbert that became my nickname for her. This poor girl had lost her Dad many years earlier and her Mom was dying of cancer when we met. She was being raised by her grandfather, a man who was not known for his warmth, although to be fair he saw that his two granddaughters were taken care of. Right after her Mom died she was able to get a driver's permit and I decided to teach her to drive. Let me tell you, I was not the greatest driver back then. Still, she was able to get her license. She became engaged and began to plan her wedding to her high school sweetheart. She asked me to be her matron of honor, and I began to be a surrogate mother of sorts to her. She didn't know how to plan a wedding and I helped, while letting her do her own thing. It was bittersweet to see someone only 18 without a living parent at their wedding. The newlyweds rented an apartment in our same complex and we saw quite a bit of each other then. One day I bought a house and she was afraid to drive to see it. Over the next few years I had a son, shortly after, she had a daughter and then a son. We saw each other rarely over the next few years. I noticed that other than with her only sister or their mutual friends, she didn't seem to have much of a family life or social life with her husband. When I went there he was a recluse hiding out in either their bedroom or a computer room later. I was frustrated at times that she chose to stay with him. She had been such a vibrant and fun person and now she seemed to just be hanging on. Today after over thirty years of marriage she wrote and told me he left her. What I wanted to write back and say was that he actually left her about twenty years ago. To be honest I am happy that at last she can move on with her life. I told her that I have been through a divorce and will be happy to be a listening ear for her. I also told her to begin to live and have fun again. Damn a man who does this. On the other hand, I just wish he had done it long ago. I wish women, and men, who lived like this would realize that it's NOT a real relationship and that they should either make it work or let it go. Investing decades into something that is bankrupt just seems so futile. Having said that, I was guilty of that myself. I always tried to find the silver lining. I always hoped one day I would do something that would be a catalyst for my ex to change. He never got it and he still doesn't. I accept that he never will. I can't say that he's a bad person. He just is what he is and he is not what he is not.

If I could have access to every person standing at the threshold of a new relationship I would so want to give them this advice: find someone you like as they are. You will never change them and they will never change you. Find someone who has the qualities that you want or need. No one is perfect and during their mistakes, accept that they are imperfect as you are.
Most importantly, if the relationship is a mistake, recognize it and either get on the same page to make things work or gently, without inflicting unnecessary pain upon the other, let go.

I wish you luck my friend and it's my earnest hope that the best is yet to come for you.
We're never too old to start over and do it right the next time.

Borrowed from Angel's Journal

TWO WORDS
You can only type 2 words....no more....no less.
*************
1. yourself: talkative and thoughtful
2. your husband: kind and caring
3. your hair: long and black
4. your mother: introverted and fearful
5. your father: outspoken and stubborn
6. your favorite item: my bed
7. your dream last night: my son being sick
8. your favorite drink: Cosmopolitan
9. your car: Camry
10. the room you are in: computer rumpus room
11. your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: deceased, remembered
12. your fear: illnesses (mine or my son's)
13. where you want to be in 10 years: alive, healthy
14. what you're not: pretentious
15. your best friends: loved dearly
16. one of your wish list items: new car for hubby
17. the last thing you did: put on pjs
18. what are you wearing: p.j.s (flip flops on bottoms)
19. your favorite weather: warm, autumn
20. your favorite zoo animals? penguins,monkeys
21. your thought for the day? accomplish what needs doing
22. your favorite book: The Prophet
23. last thing you ate: pb & j sandwich
24. your life: unpredictable, stressful
25. your mood: peaceful and tired
26. your body: learning more and more to relax and just be
27. what are you thinking about right now: reading emails and journals
28. your crush: only my significant other
29. what are you doing at the moment:
reading, typing
30. your summer schedule: hectic and fleeting

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood............

Yesterday was a difficult day. My next door neighbor who had been so wonderful left for Florida. She came over to say goodbye and we cried, hugged, cried and hugged some more. I have owned three houses and lived in an apartment many years ago. I have had many neighbors over the years but none have compared to this neighbor and her husband. When Rob and I arrived here, the development was nearly two years old. We were the first resale and our home had only been occupied for nine months by the previous owner. She hadn't really made many friends here except for the only single man across the street and the husband of her friend which eventually ended their friendship. She was eager to go and they were eager to see her leave. When we moved in many friendships were already solidly in place. It's tough to be the new kid on the block no matter what your age is. When I drove up one day my neighbor Jen came up, extended her hand and welcomed me. She was the only person who did. Over the years these neighbors were a Godsend. They offered to help us put up our chainlink fence and match it to theirs. There wasn't a time where they didn't see Rob doing something that they didn't offer assistance. When I had my open heart surgery I had only ONE delivery from a florist and it was from them. I arrived home three weeks later to a house filled with floral arrangements, but it was the one in the hospital that truly lifted my spirits. I have other neighbors here that I have formed bonds with. I have a few houses I can walk to and know I am welcome but no neighbor can take the place of Jen. Now I'm crying again. Damn.

My other neighbor, Ms. Cantankerous is out there working on her fence again. I didn't want her to have a six foot high fence which was against the code. She got a variance by making false statements. She is now putting up said fence by herself, with the aid of her adolescent son.
The fence doesn't look very secure to me. It's only five feet from my shed. The shed I had built that cost me nearly two thousand dollars. She is also putting her fence on a conservation easement. Why our town gave her the variance is beyond me. I guess the squeaky wheel got the grease. I try not to think about it. I just hope if her fence does damage to my property I am able to document it and recover the costs.

It's sunny and lovely today. A nice breeze. I woke up at 6 a.m. Jumped out of bed and began to bake. I sent my husband off to work with fresh brownies. I have a cookie jar full of oatmeal cookies I made. I need to run to the store and do some shopping. I work this Saturday which means today is my Saturday in terms of errands. I really hate working Saturdays. I hate giving up any time with Rob. Have I mentioned lately how much he means to me? He's my inspiration to believe that there are good people still in this world. He inspires my faith because I believe that God sent him to me to help me get through all the tough times. I know that I could survive on my own but I'm glad that I don't have to. I think if everyone had someone to love, someone who loved them the world would be a better place.

Hurricane Season and a Lazy Weekend

Well, hurricane season is amongst us here on the Eastern shore. We are feeling the remnants, and thankfully not the eye of the hurricane. I have been thinking a lot today about my neighbors who are heading to Florida on Wednesday. No place I would ever want to live between the high temperatures and the hurricanes and I won't even address the bugs. Whew! We had thought we would be driving to Pennsylvania to have dinner with our good friends but it's just too nasty and windy out there. My rear tires need replacing and I just can't chance it.

On Aug. 31st Rob and I had a wonderful anniversary. When I had sold my old house I treated myself to a keyring from Tiffany's. I had always wanted something from Tiffany's and they do sell some silver things. They are a tad pricey but sorry, me being a huge fan of Audrey Hepburn's and the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's, I just had to have it. Several weeks ago I stopped at the supermarket on my way home from work. In a huge hurry I couldn't find it and drove home with my spares. Once home I realized I had lost it. It had a beautiful little silver heart on it that said "If lost return to Tiffany's and a registered number." I was really sad about losing it and resigned myself to the fact that it would not be replaced. Rob had worked overtime several hours last week and to my surprise, he had ordered a replacement and had it shipped to his work. I was elated. On top of that I got a bouguet of gerbera daisies, two beautiful cards and we were treated to a magnificent dinner out. It was at the 200 yr. old inn we had been married at. Rob had filet mignon and I had two huge crab cakes. The presentation is not to be believed and the food was simply fabulous. We even splurged for dessert and got "over the moon" chocolate cake. It even had the chocolate moon on top of the cake, along with a side of whipped cream. Oh my!

This weekend will be very rainy. We shared the workload and cleaned much of the house this morning. It's nice to have things shiny and bright again. Rob has purchased a pork loin that he will make for dinner with an apricot sauce. Sounds yummy.......
He is napping now. He was up for about four hours in the middle of the night. Rob is worried about his baby sister who will be seeing an oncologist on Sept. 6th. We think ultimately she will be fine but we know that with a six year old daughter, recovering from surgery is not easy. They removed a nerve from her throat and she has to learn to swallow without it. Not an easy thing. She had two tumors and one was cancerous. That word is so scary but the doctors got it all. It's very hard to be so far from a family member when they are going through an ordeal like this. I am so grateful at times like this for emails because we can email her daily and send her things to make her laugh. She has a great sense of humor. Rob and her have played many tricks on each other over the years like the time he nailed her shoes to the floor. (His Dad hadn't put the new wood floor down yet, luckily for Rob.) When Rob and I got married she and I danced by ourselves to demonstrate how to perform the gestures to a song "Green alligators and long necked geese, humpty back camels and chimpanzees.........", aka The Unicorn Song. She loves unicorns. Unicorns are magical, kind of like relationships we have with our siblings. Often it's a love/hate thing but you know when the chips are down, you expect your siblings to be there for you. Although we can't sit by her side right now, she is in our constant thoughts and prayers.
WE love you baby girl. :)

Ode to Rob.............

On Thursday, August 31st we will be married four years. Doesn't seem possible....................

thinking back to the weekend that we met........

you were concerned that I would notice what was wrong with you
(that you were slight of height)
I was too busy noticing that your smile was melting my heart
that your eyes were pulling me into your very soul
and that your heart was so pure.

I was concerned that you would see my emotional scars
(my back was breaking from all the baggage upon it)
you noticed my laughter
my shyness
that I had not been kissed or held for a very long time.

Once we felt safe
we chatted and laughed
I heard words coming out of my mouth
They formed in my heart and not my brain,
They terrified me
You told me to relax and I did.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO THE PERSON WHO I ENTRUSTED WITH MY HEART.

Yesterday........Getting Sunned and Zenned

Yesterday........I reclaimed something that brought me so much joy as a teen and a young Mom......I went to a beautiful beach, Belmar. I went to the beach that many young adults hang out on. There are many older people who don't know the area and particular beaches. This was the view from my beach chair. The jetty which had many seagulls on it, and the slightly overcast sky. When the sun broke through, I got quite a bit of burning. I was there four hours and I was able to leave all my troubles behind as I climbed down the stairs and walked barefoot through the sand. I breathed in the fragrant beach smells and my senses were overcome with the sounds of the waves crashing, the gentle breeze that touched my skin and the visual feast of nature. It was the most perfect four hours one could imagine. I have been thinking a lot about living on a coastal state. One that has the change of seasons. In two weeks my next door neighbors are moving to Florida. I could never live there. Even though they have the beaches, I simply love the change of seasons. As much as I love summers at the Jersey shore, nothing compares to Fall. It's my favorite time of the year. The Jersey Shore is such an experience and one that I have been a part of for forty years. Before that, we summered at the Chesapeake Bay in Maryland. My childhood best friend just bought a home there and soon I will be recapturing those memories as well. Whoever said you can't go home again was so very wrong. He was a doubting Thomas. :) I am reminded of one of my favorite poems by e.e. cummings
i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
wich is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

Song by Jersey's own Bon Jovi with Jennifer Nettles of Sugarland (now the official song of N J)

Wondering about Saturdays off............

I have so looked forward to my two Saturdays I have off each month. The one two weeks ago consisted of us at the Emergency Room for Rob and the aftermath. Today I was SOOOO hoping for a pleasant day. I did get to sleep in a bit and Rob got up early with the pets. He had his stiches out on Tuesday and is slowly getting back to his usual routine now. He cut the lawn and made a quick jaunt over to the local flea market. I chose to use that time running to pick up a prescription and go grocery shopping. I was so pleased that I had a gift card and my groceries would be free. I splurged and got some thick, juicy steaks and some talapia. Ice cream treats were on sale and I picked up two boxes. Lastly I stopped for some cold beer for Rob and headed home. When I was about four miles from home I came upon a dump truck with a trailer attached to it. I noticed the wood on the trailer was flapping up and down and the tarp on top was flailing in the wind. Ever mindful of windshield chips I dropped back several car lengths. Within a few minutes I saw a rock hit the lower portion of my windshield and make a chip and crack. I began to blow my horn for the driver to pull over. He refused to and I followed him all the way back to where the truck was destined for. It was a landscaping truck. I pulled in behind him and began to shout for him to come take a look at the damage to my car. He slowly got out of the truck and began to say he had no load on the truck. I explained that my car had just gone through inspection so I could prove that the damage was very recent. He offered to call his boss. I used my cell phone to call Rob and ask him to call the police to send a car. Clearly, he was not going to admit anything. About five minutes later his boss pulled in and began to yell at him. Now I was feeling sorry for the guy. I told the boss what had happened and that the rock absolutely came from the truck OR the trailer. The boss/owner insisted I couldn't prove that. I advised him that I had the police on their way and he suddenly changed his tune. He began to yell for Antonio to leave immediately. (I jotted down his license plate number as he left.) He then asked me to leave but I refused. He handed me his business card and told me if I did not contact the police he would pay me but if I did there was no way I would get the money. After waiting for 20 mins for the police to arrive I gave up and drove my defrosting groceries home. I then called the police station and found out that there had been a bad accident and that is where all the police cars were. Now, granted, I can understand that they thought this was not an emergency but here I was standing behind a building, on a dirt road with the angry boss and three (highly likely illegal) immigrants which spoke few words of English. Not a place a woman wants to find herself. I went to the police station and filed an incident report. The police don't seem to have much hope that this guy is going to pay. Now I will have to see just what an ordeal it would be to go to court if he doesn't. I do know that I will make it clear to everyone I know that his landscaping company is not very trustworthy if he doesn't. When I arrived home from the police station my father called asking if my mother was here. It seems she left their house at 8 a.m. for the flea market and hadn't returned yet. I know immediately something was wrong. We called the local hospital and she was there in the Emergency Room. Apparently, she had done her usual routine which I have cautioned her about so many times. She took several medicines with about 4 ozs. of orange juice and went out in heat that was sizzling, humidity that was way up there and walked in the sun for over an hour and a half. At one point she became dizzy and sat down on a table. Shortly afterwards she passed out and woke up with an ambulance there and several people hovering about her. They brought her to the ER and the police were supposed to call a family member. She gave them the numbers but three hours later we had not been notified. Rob and I drove right over there. They had done blood work, x rays and cat scans. They had her on a heart monitor just in case. They are keeping her overnight for observation since this hasn't happened before, she is 74 yrs. old. Man oh man. I just want ONE Saturday to be relaxing and peaceful. Next Saturday our entire neighborhood is having a huge yard sale. I don't think it will be THAT Saturday. I won't go into the bank statement that came and I had an overdraft on because the check I deposited didn't clear when it should have. Had I not had overdraft protection it would have run me a few hundred dollars but this way all I pay is less than a dollar. Whew! I am grateful for the things that DO go right! Now it's time to chill. Maybe a frozen pina colada will do the trick. :) ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Ouch!

The past few days have been an exercise in patience. Last week my left wrist began to hurt. I went to work on Saturday and I had to print out, copy and collate a thousand pages. That took a lot of sorting and stapling which then had my wrist in much worse shape. I have put heat on it, iced it, and done just about anything I could think of. Since I am right handed it would make more sense if it were my right wrist. Now my right wrist is having sympathetic pain for the left. Since I am on blood thinners, I am not supposed to take any aspirin or ibuprofen. This is the one thing that helps me. If I take too much I could end up with a brain hemorrhage. It's so hard because you can't keep monitoring the blood on a daily basis.

As though that weren't enough to deal with, a neighbor had a bad virus. It started with his daughter getting sick. I didn't realize he was sick and was talking to him. Once I realized I backed off but I think I got exposed to some germs in the process. I now have aches and pains all over and my sinuses are killing me. I want to go to the doctor but I have stopped going because I usually hear the same thing. That it's probably a virus and I have to wait it out. I can save my copay and tell myself that. I really like our internist. His group however will never give a free sample of a medicine. They charge a copay for everything. A few weeks ago they tried to bill us for a separate blood draw which was taken after a physical. Knowing insurance as I do, I got them to remove that one. When Rob went to get his stitches out yesterday they hit him with a copay as they did about a week ago to take a look at the stitches a few days after they were put in. We are people with insurance and are struggling with these bills, I wonder what people without insurance do.

There are so many things that need doing today. Vacumning, the lawn needs cutting and the garage needs to be straightened up a bit. I have to use discipline and NOT do these things.
By nature I am a doer. I have no patience for illness. Today I have to just say NO to my to do list and kick back and rest all my aching parts.

On another note, Rob got his stitches out. Still looks like a shark bite wound. If you want to see the gorey pics go to the link for his Blarney blog and check them out. I feel like we are running a convalescent center here at the Leprechaun Inn. Still, there are kisses and hugs doled out along with the meds and TLC so I guess things could be a lot worse.

Judith wrote a great entry about her waking thoughts today. It made me think of how much I love waking up in the morning. I decorated our room to look like a bed and breakfast room at the shore. I painted the walls seafoam. (It actually was bluer than what I had in mind.) The furniture look like attic antiques but are reproductions. They are an antique white with oak tops. Thick legs, sturdy pieces with drawers that slide like a dream. This was our big splurge, a Thomasville bedroom set. The bed has a handmade quilt on it. The windows (we have 3, two face the sunrise) are covered with antique white cotton tabbed curtains. I sewed a cotton fringe on the bottoms of them to give them an antique feel. On the wall hangs a picture (an antique) that was a gift from my baby shower 30 yrs. ago. It is a woman with a long black braid holding her baby. It's called Dreams Come True. There are others that look similar that have wedding pics, drawings actually. It is something that is always with me, always in my bedroom, now in it's third home. Anyhow, when I open my eyes and see my beautiful room, the sunshine reflected in it, I feel so content. It's the best bedroom I have ever had. I love this room and each day I wake in it I feel so optomistic that I will have another day to enjoy. Life is grand.

A day well spent

Today was a much needed day home. I actually had much to do. Balance the checking statement. Something there was amiss but not so far off I had to be concerned so I sat that aside. Was sitting here trying to get zenned when I remembered my car had to go through inspection. Jumped up and ran out the door. I was so relieved when only three cars were ahead of me. They were quite slow today but twenty or so minutes later I left with my new sticker. All set for another two years.

Leaving there I decided to treat myself to a much needed pedicure. During the summer I wear all flip/flops or sandals and I like my toes to look neat and summery. I got hot pink to match my favorite (leather) flip flops. After leaving the nail place I treated myself to a chili dog. I rarely eat things like that anymore but seeing that it is summer I felt compelled. After that I ran over to Walmart. I have been needing a lighted and magnified mirror. I am so blind without my glasses but unable to see the mirrors on my dresser or over the bathroom sink without them. This mirror magnifies 7 times. It just happened to match my bathroom with it's brushed nickel finish. What a bargain! The plastic version of it in a famous store was about $50 and I got this one for under $20. I came home and immediately saw a magnified close up of my face for the first time in years. I put on some blush and eye makeup after perfecting my eyebrows. I have noticed at work I am the only person who doesn't wear a lot of makeup. (Well, besides a woman 60ish who is from Ireland and a mother earth type). Most of these women wear thick eyeliner and frankly, that's just not me. I am more a natural makeup type. My eyes are small and slanted sort of and without any makeup on them they are lost. Still, a touch of mascara and when going out, a touch of shadow are all I bother with. I do add blush and lipstick at times. I just can't imagine spending an hour or so each day putting on the whole 9 yards. If I'm honest there are days that I throw my hair up on my head with my hands without even brushing it. Not that you could tell that mind you. There was the one time that I arrived at my destination only to realize I had on TWO different shoes. They were both black pumps with low heels (one being about two inches lower than the other.) I actually realized this when a woman (who happened to be a New York stockbroker) leaned over and whispered to me that I was wearing two non matching shoes. This took place at a charity luncheon in a posh country club ocean setting. I laughed and told her that explained why I was limping earlier and couldn't figure out why. She later spotted me across the room at another charity function ran over and said "Shoe check." I was thrilled to learn that she made it out of the Twin Towers on 9/11. She had three small children I had seen with her once.

I guess I will never be the type of person people look at and wonder how she can put it together so well. That's okay though. I've learned to prioritize. Today I did a few things for myself. A few minutes spent meditating do a lot more for me than a compliment that my makeup is perfect.
At this point if I get where I need to be on time I feel good about myself. Now time to run down and find something suitable to serve for dinner.

A Lovely Summer Day

Today I am off work. A badly needed day off. Rob was out of work on Monday with a doctor's note and when he went in they refused to allow him to work. The doctor said he CAN work but they told him he can't. I called the ER doctor who said his primary doctor would need to determine whether or not he can work. Rob went to him this morning and he said yes that he could work with minimal use of his left hand. Rob then went back to work and they told him they would find something for him tomorrow. So, that means he lost Monday and Tuesday and his choices for that are a. to use his vacation days or b. not to be paid. When you live paycheck to paycheck as we do, b is not an option. I have decided to treat this as a vacation day for both of us. My morning began with me meeting my friend Wendy for breakfast. I hadn't seen her in a very long time. Wendy and I have a bond that is very strong. Our sons were treated for leukemia together. That was over ten years ago and we stay in touch. We attend the major events in each other's lives and try to get together for lunch a few times a year. Once in a while we even go into the city and the theatre. Two years ago when I discovered I had a cancer in one of my breasts I called Wendy. I had taken her to Philadelphia for treatment for hers a few years earlier. As time passes, our bond continues to grow and I consider her one of my core friends. We always have so much to chat about. The place that we had breakfast at is a new chain and we loved it. If you have a Turning Point near you, you must try breakfast, lunch or brunch there. The menu has incredible and delicious choices. I had zucchini "pam cakes" which were topped with sugared nuts and whipped cream. Too delicious to describe. We are thinking about trying to find a pasta restaurant tonight that people have been raving about, Carabbas. Yes, I am a carbohydrate junkie.
It seems Rob's work has found something he can do and he will return there tomorrow. I know some people always see the clouds but I refuse to live my life that way. Yes, we will have medical bills that will have to be paid. Rob lost two vacation days. I am so grateful that he still has his hand and his five fingers. It could have been far worse. Losing money is one thing, even money that might be a hardship. It's people and their health that are a tragic loss.
Today I find myself feeling ever so lucky. I am close to the shore. I have the devotion of a man who I feel has the best heart in the world and so much more. A house is made of brick and stone, a home is made of love alone. I had the large beautifully decorated house and it was an empty existence. I now have a warm and inviting comfortable home and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Life is grand and I feel that I am doubly blessed. Not only do I have so much but I have the ability to appreciate it. Sometimes I think gratitude is a gift.

Oh for a quiet (even boring) life

The past three weekends have been so hectic. Family visiting from out of town, squeezing in errands and visits with neighbors left me without a moment just to sit and think. This past week our office administrator was on vacation with her family and I worked six of the last seven days. For a few of those the owner of our company was out herself with out of town guests. I had a ten minute lunch ONE day and not even a short break the rest. My feet are swollen from all the walking and running around I did. I was so looking forward to a restful weekend. I found out last weekend that one of the girls in our office was having a baby shower on Sunday. At 12:30. I felt obligated to go and besides that I really like her. Today I woke up sat down with a cup of coffee and just beamed thinking about a day to do only what I wanted to. Rob decided today was the day he was going to clean the garage (that is before cutting the lawn). I went in and was helping to straighten out shelves with kitchen overflow items. I pulled out a few things I had been looking for and came in to wash them. Rob came in a few minutes later holding our mini food processor. He said he thought he had broken the safety switch and was going to check it. He plugged it in and it didn't work. He then plugged it into a different outlet and when it didn't work again he decided to hold a knife down where the missing piece would have been. Boom! The thing immediately cut on and he began to shriek. I looked over to see blood, plenty of it.
"I need stitches." I had to gather my wits about me and put on a clean shirt and flip flops before driving him to the emergency room. Thankfully, we were taken right in. It turned out that there were four cuts, one being much worse than the others. We had to wait an hour for him to get stitched up and receive his tetanus shot. I felt so badly for him. They told him that he would be fine to work in a few days. Really? With four cuts sutured, with a total of fourteen stitches?
We left with two scripts: one for pain meds and one for antibiotics.
My son came over and cut all the grass for us. I am thankful that the garage was not totally torn apart at that point. It needs some tweeking but that's about it. The doctor said she thought a cocktail was in order for me today. SO.....for medicinal purposes I shall have at least one.
Earlier this week (Wednesday evening) Rob with the help of a few neighbors, installed an over the stove microwave. I was finally able to toss the one I had with paint chips coming off the roof. It also took up so much counter space, which is in short supply in this house. I had done without one for several days so we had quite the supply of leftovers. Rob and I moved the kitchen cabinet that the microwave goes under, up several inches. It now sits above the rest and I like it. That is the "new look". On top of our cabinets I have my collection of Roseville pottery. This is pottery that sold for a few dollars during the Depression Era but now goes for hundreds each piece. Two of my prize pieces are baskets with twig handles. I really love my kitchen. It's got many touches of a country kitchen (complete with a repo farm table) but the appliances are white with some black giving them a sleek look. I guess I should move downstairs to the kitchen and get my finishing touches on my dinner plans. Last night when Rob got home I presented him with a paper. I made a faux menu with all our leftovers and let him select. I did prepare fresh tomato slices over fresh mozzarella cheese sprinkled with garlic infused olive oil, garlic infused red wine vinegar and fresh basil sprinkled on top. It's so easy and fabulous.
Bon appetit'.

Idealism

Idealism thinking of things as they ought to be.......... " The great challenge of adulthood is holding on to your idealism after you lose your innocence." Bruce Springsteen

It's Electric!

Last night our sky was lit up with the loudest, most intense lightning. We had some the other night as well. Seems this heat has the weather electrified. I was supposed Duffy didn't mind the loud booms from the thunder but he didn't. My mother was always terrified of lightning telling stories of how as a young girl lightning hit the kitchen table and it fell in half. Today on the news they said two golfers in New York were hit and one died. They were in a shelter area. I feel safe inside my house but I wait to crawl into my metal bed frame until the worst is over. Tomorrow they are predicting temps that will feel 100. I am working so I'll be indoors but the return to the car late afternoon will no doubt be unpleasant.
This morning my sister-in-law had surgery to remove two tumors. They knew early on they were not cancerous but they were obstructing her throat and chest. Turns out they had to remove her nerve to her vocal cords and she will need speech therapy but the tumors will be gone. I know she'll be so relieved that it's over. It was postponed because the surgeon who performed this (in the Boston area) is leaving soon for Japan to speak. She went to many doctors before finding one would agree to do it. Apparently it was quite involved and we were happy to hear she came through the surgery well. Day before yesterday we got a phone call that Rob's other sister's husband was in the ER with a burst appendix. I was shocked to learn they sent him home tonight. He has to have an IV in his arm and a visiting nurse must come to administer IV antibiotics. These insurance companies have gone too far in my opinion. Your entire body is full of poison and they send you home with a fever?
My grandmother is here for her last weekend. I have enjoyed her so much. We have gone out do dinner, gone there and taken dinner twice and had lunch twice. The other day when we were leaving a diner I hugged her and told her having her here was such a treat. She replied that she always worries that she will be a burden. I assured her helping her get in and out of my mother's van, or up and down a flight of diner stairs is something that I will never mind doing. She does seem proud when no one can believe she is 94. Her hair is primarily brown. She has fewer wrinkles than her daughter. She should be the Ponds Cold Cream cover girl. Seriously.
Well, time to kick back and enjoy the weekend.

Coming To Grips with Life's Changes

Late last night I almost felt as though I had the weight of the world on me. To be honest, it wasn't the entire world, just a few continents. As the evening progressed I began to realize that I needed to sit back and put things in perspective. I walked outside and tried to find the good in the neighbor's fence. It is a beautiful fence. A six foot high fence with lattice work on the top foot of it. It's vinyl and I could take down my chain link fence on that side of the property. I saw that she put it slightly in from the property line. Deep breath. I slowly let it go. Some other thing that have bothered me seemed less important too.
This morning my mother showed up at my door with my 94 yr. old grandmother who is still in town. We went out for lunch and then to a bargain store. While eating at our favorite diner a beautiful woman came over to me. "Mrs. Roberts?" I looked up and recognized one of the chemo floor nurses who had cared for my son during his illness. She was as happy to see me as I her. She has a little boy of her own now. She wanted to know where I was living and working. She was thrilled to know how well my son is doing. They don't often have that kind of outcome. She wants to come and see me sometime. Wonderful. She wants me to give her best to my son. But..she already did that fifteen years ago. She soothed his pains, both physical and emotional. She taught him how to give himself shots of insulin when he became diabetic for three years from chemo. I owe her so much. We both do. I got so ferklempt that I couldn't say much. I will next time I see her. I hope if there are any nurses who read this they will understand just how much they mean to a family at a time like this.
I keep reminding myself that the glass can be half empty or half full. I hope I never see the emptiness when I am so blessed. I"m a nearly thirty year cancer survivor and my son is a fifteen year cancer survivor. I'm a two year heart valve replacment survivor and a two year breast cancer survivor. When I think of one word to describe myself the word survivor comes to mind. Thing is, I'm not just happy to have survived. I want to be a thriver. I want to be a sunflower. Moving my head slowly throughout the day to soak up all the rays of warmth, love and positive energy. I think I am a work in progress but I am becoming a little bit more of what I want to be each day.
WE must become the change we wish to see in the world. ~ Gandhi

A Neighbor's Influence

I found out a few days ago that one of my favorite neighbors will be moving. I am sad about this. These are neighbors who were ideal. When we moved in we had some people coming to give us fence estimates. The man came over and offered to help Rob do it and save us several hundreds of dollars. The real deciding factor was that we would have to wait for weeks for a company to do it and Sandie was used to a larger yard. We did it for her safety. Throughout the four years we have lived here, these people have done more kind things than I could ever tell. They sent me flowers when I was in the hospital and came over to check on me when I got home. We have become fond of their two daughters and watched them grow. They will be moving to Florida where the wife's family is. Although I hate to see them go, I am thankful for the opportunity of having such wonderful people near us.
A neighbor on the other side of us is a problem person. Trust me, when people cannot get along with me, they are problem people. ::::insert laughter::::::
When we first moved in this woman gave her car keys to her adolescent son who promptly backed the car down the driveway losing control of it and plowing into my car. As I was calling the police, she began to scream at me that it was not neighborly to involve the police. I chose not to press charges against her or her son but she continued to say I was difficult when I told her I expected her to pay for the damages. She chose not to contact her insurance company and I went along with that. Still, she found me unreasonable. Since then I have more or less avoided her. A few weeks ago when something blew into her yard she contacted our township and told them I was grooming my cat and throwing volumes of cat fur onto her lawn. Now honestly, this was quite funny. She went to the down and got a variance to put up a six foot fence. (the kind with the criss cross on the top foot.). I will be relieved not to have to see into her yard which is becoming more unsightly daily.
I just hate not getting along with someone. Our township government all know her and think her odd. Imagine that. Her thinking I am the difficult one. She contacted the town and told them we were tossing charcoal briquets onto her lawn. The official burst into laughter when I told her I had a gas grill. There are no briquets to throw and if she thinks I would chuck good lava rock then she is truly insane.
I have off tomorrow. I hope I can find some time to get into my zen meditation garden and just zone out. OHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Wonderful Weekend

I had a simply wonderful weekend. My sister came from upstate New York. She brought her friend with her and her daughter. We had a nice cookout at my parents house and went out to lunch today. My niece, recently back from a semester in England where she managed to travel all over Europe looks fabulous. She will be starting her senior year at college and I envy the place she is in her life with so much to look forward to. She wants to be a pharmacist and she seems to have it all together. Her sister is living near my parents with her father and they got to have some quality time together as well. My sister is going through a difficult time. She will be having surgery the end of August. For her privacy I will not discuss it but we are all concerned. Being the older sibling is difficult. You feel compelled to take care of the younger siblings. Rob's sister will be having surgery Sept. 4th as well.
Rob is going through a series of tests with my cardiologist. He has a sometimes racing heartbeat. Sometimes tachycardia is not serious and other times it can be symptomatic of a serious condition. Our doctor is making sure that it is not serious. His final test is August 7th and then we will know hopefully soon after that. My cardiologist is now treating me, my father and my husband. I should get kickbacks or at least free meds!
I did my first major mail merge at work last Friday. It went smooth as silk. I was relieved. This weekend my sister bought a mail merge with her done by an underling. The woman pulled some major errors. Now she will have to redo a lot of the work this week. My wrists hurt from all the folding, stuffing etc. but my mind is happy that I figured it out on my own and pulled it off. I am thinking that I might go to school at night and get a real estate license myself. It would be a good source of a second income for me. It would also help me to better understand some things that happen. This would be a commitment for four months, two nights a week at a college. I know a woman who is going to do it so I would have a partner. She is lovely and I think it would work well for us.
Well it's time for bed. My weekend was full, went by too quickly, but I had some good laughs with my sister. Just to be able to hug her and let her know I care made me feel a lot better.

Happy 94th birthday to my grandmother

Today is a special day. My grandmother turned 94 today. I was with her on Thursday but right now she is visiting some other family members and attending some church activities she wanted to this weekend. We had her cake on Thursday night but when she returns I will have another one for her. I mean she deserves it!

My grandmother is such a special person in my life. When I was little (up until the age of ten) I often lived with her and my grandfather. My Dad was in the Navy and often abroad. When he was stationed near us we only saw him on weekends. My mother had four kids (one was born after his retirement) and was overwhelmed. Her mother was a block away from the house they built when I was six. Up until then we often lived with my grandparents in their two bedroom home. Talk about a tight squeeze. They lived in Silver Spring, Maryland and my grandfather was a policeman (the FIRST motorcycle officer they had.....and he had a white Harley). My grandparents were the kind who always doled out hugs and kisses. At that time policmen didn't make much money....money was so tight with both my parents and grandparents. Still my grandmother always put beautiful meals on the table and made sure that we had everything that we needed. I will never forget when I got my first bicycle at the police auction. They bought it for me and I was so proud of it.

When I told my family I was getting divorced they were all angry with me......except for my grandmother. She trusted me to know what was best for me. She even went so far as to tell a minister that by refusing to marry me later that he was judging me. To have support like that means the world to someone who is hurting.

Throughout life we have many blessings. When I was receiving radiation treatments my grandparents drove 200 miles to be with me through some of those bleakest hours. There has never been a day in my life that my grandmother has not showered me with unconditional love. She now does the same for Rob and my son.

I am so very blessed and so proud to have this beautiful woman for my grandmother. God bless you always.

When Knowing To Help and When Not To............

I have had a real quandry of the past few days. I have neighbors who I like very much. Thing is they are doing a lot of drinking. Alcohol is costly and they have become increasingly careless about their finances in order to enjoy their pursuit.
They recently went on a vacation and came back in a serious state because they had run up an enormous bar tab. The following day they came here asking for food. I have had my freezer and pantry lower than usual with recent repairs to my air conditioner and replacing my water heater. Still I gave them a few things to tide them over. Another neighbor came here and told me that they had gone out to buy another case of beer before coming here to get food. Now I am thinking that perhaps I am not truly helping these people out. It's a fine line from being helpful to becoming an enabler. Still, I tell myself that they bought the beer BEFORE coming here and had I said no, they still would have had the beer.

I am by nature a helping and sharing person. I do recognize that there are times where people need to face reality. Clearly when you choose to buy beer over food there is a problem. Other neighbors are getting increasingly concerned. I have had vast experience with a friend who became an alcoholic. Only the person themselves can make the determination that they need help. I have decided though that I need to gently tell them I can't afford to help them. I haven't had a vacation in four years. That vacation was a ONE night stay in a cabin in the Poconos. These people have vacationed five times in less time than that. If I ever hope to get away for even a few nights I have to buckle down and stop helping others. At least financially.

It's my birthday!

Today is my birthday. Hallelujah! I made it another year. That is THE gift. On my birthday I always think back to my cancer diagnosis at 23. It's been nearly thirty years since then. I guess that makes me a scrapper. I am in many ways. I am a paradox: the gentlest of the gentle at times, the weakest of the weak and at other times tough as nails.

My friend and I that had a standing arrangement of taking each other out to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch on our birthdays left me high and dry. She has other problems to deal with and knows I will understand. I do understand but it still stings somewhat.

My boss/friend gave me a beautiful arrangement of flowers which include pink roses and purple daisies. So colorful and fragrant. I got some checks and something sweet and thoughtful from Rob. I have yet to cut my cake. My son is on his way over shortly and we'll cut it then. I have my son. He survived leukemia. Another gift. Of the only important kind. I have a new coworker. Her son committed suicide. She is such a wonderful person. I have the utmost respect for her and she is so very likeable. Not enough things could be said to do her justice. I know what it's like to FACE the loss of a child without actually losing one. Her pain must be tenfold because it didn't have to be. I have been thinking so much about people who in utter despair end their lives. I understand it. Just a way to make the pain stop. I also think that at that time they must not be able to think of the pain they leave behind them. I wish they could.

I am 52 years old today. That may sound old to some. I am a survivor. I have survived Hodgkins disease, breast cancer, open heart surgery (and the receiving of a mechanical part), and a failed marriage. I have shed many tears. I have laughed and shared wonderful moments with friends. My cup is not half full, it overflows with all the wonderful things that life has brought me. I am loved. For that I am so grateful and my spirit sings.

Happy 4th of July!

In New Jersey there is a state crisis. The governor is forcing the elected officials to come meet with him today and try to work out the budget. If they don't, the state offices that are NONessential will not be open tomorrow. They may have to close down Atlantic City and the casinos. State parks are closed until further notice.

I used to be married to a state employee. The benefits were grand. Now that I am not, and don't have those benefits, I see what the problem is. Years ago state salaries were very low. Now they are not so low. I know people who have been working for about twenty years who are making over 40K and have a killer benefits package. In the private sector benefits are being stripped away. My ex pays $3 for a drug that my copay is $50 on. He doesn't contribute at all for the health plan and we are currently contributing several hundred a month towards ours. State workers often accumulate hundreds of days off they didn't take and get a lump sump of up to 20K when they retire for those days. I don't get paid sick days, or vacation days right now. I don't know anyone in the private sector that has it so good.

I wish now I had taken the jobs that the state had way back when. What I didn't know was that they would become unionized and I would have the killer benefits AND the pay up the road. The state workers can afford to live in New Jersey but sadly, the lower middle class cannot. If these trends continue they are predicting that New Jersey will only consist of the rich and the poor who take care of them. The middle class will soon be gone altogether.

Some Relaxing Time

This has been the first week since I went to work nearly a year ago that I got to have four consecutive days off. I am only part time and don't get any vacation so I take time off sparingly.

My friend (childhood best) invited us to her home outside of Phila. I was psyched. She has a new home and is fixing it up as only she can. She has some eclectic tastes with a heavy passion for art. She recently met a new artist whose works are unique. She doesn't have a website so I can't post what she does but I am intrigued by them. She purchased one called "Self portrait" that I am mad for. The price tag is too hefty for me to own any of her work but it is just so different. She bought three pieces from her. The young artist also does prints of her pieces which she is selling for $500. For that kind of money I want an original piece of art. When I first married I had been given an original piece of art. Sadly, it was not something I liked. The typical empty row boat next to a barn. I never even hung it and sold it at a yard sale years later. The ONLY piece of real art I have is one that has brought me tremendous joy. It is the sunflower picture (perhaps I should say one of them) painted by the gifted artist Judith Heartstrong. I love it and when guests come in my home they always remark about it. Someday I hope to purchase a second work and put this one into my favorite room of my home, the bedroom. My friend's house is filled with artwork, all originals. Her home is also filled with many candles, fresh flowers and all kind of unusual things which are fascinating.

We were having a delightful visit with her parents, sister, son, daughter and niece and nephew when we sat down to our second meal. Our lunch had been a feast for the bodies and senses. For dinner we just did burgers and dogs on the grill. The long haired chihuaha grabbed Rob's burger which he hadn't touched. He grabbed the burger and pulled the remaining part (outside of the dog's mouth out). We were laughing and he reached down to pet the dog when it bit him. Not realized how bad the bite was at first we laughed, thinking the dog had grazed him. When he came out of the bathroom, with blood pouring off his hand, I realized that the dog had made some puncture wounds. At that point the combination of drinking beer, playing badminton in the sun, overeating, indulging in extra helpings of cheesecake took it's toll on the poor guy. He laid down but then I just told him let's head home. We had brought a backpack prepared to stay over but we learned that her son and his girlfriend had the same idea. There was only one air mattress up for grabs and since Rob was feeling so hot, I felt we were better off taking the hour or so drive home.

My son spent the night here as he was pet sitting for us. This morning he got up at 4:30 to go take care of his bird before heading off to work. I feel badly for him. He had about 4 hours sleep. He will have off tomorrow. We had left Duffy with him and gone away for the weekend when Duff was a few months old. The minute Tom arrives Duffy starts pacing and acts weird. Even today is at odds, I suspect he has seperation anxiety.

My parents just called. They finally got some gas in their grill bottle. It's only TWO years old and this is the first time it's been filled. They are having burgers and some trimmings and want us to come by. I guess we will do that. I had intended to bake cupcakes..wonder if there's still time.

One other thing.....this past week my air conditioner went. My one neighbor who does plumbing/air conditioning repair/heating repair offered to take a look at it. He knew immediately that the motor which runs both heat and air was burned out. He contacted another neighbor, Jeff whose Dad owns a heating/plumbing parts business. Jeff was able to FIND one (they are no longer being manufactured) and get it to us overnight. He only wanted us to pay what it cost him to get it. We gave him that and money to take his family out for ice cream. The plumber, Ken, told us he would not accept money. He put in the motor and noticed that we also needed freon. He told us he would have to charge us for that. He came within hours of the part arriving which Jeff had hand delivered to us. We gave Ken the money for the freon and money to take his family out to lunch. He didn't want to take it but I INSISTED. I have to say that when things go bad and you find out that there are people out there who still have heart, who care enough to help out a neighbor, it renews your faith in mankind. I have lived in neighborhoods where money flowed. In this neighborhood people live (for the most part) from paycheck to paycheck. I have never experienced such an outpouring of support and kindness. These wonderful people do not care about anyone's color, marital state or physcial attributes. Everyone (with the exception of two neighbors who attempt to cause problems for others and who are very mean)
is treated equally. I often think of "Dr. King's I have a dream speech". I hope he can look down and see our little corner of the world. Brotherhood is alive and well and we live where we are judged by the contents of our character.

Happy July 4th. America is not perfect but neither am I and I love her.

(Forgive my errors but I am typing this on a computer that doesn't allow pop ups so I cannot use the spell check feature.)

A Million Little Thoughts..............

this is a year ago...........
and this is now...........
they have reversed roles as who is the big brother.......
Today the cat was on his way to make a quick break outside of the fence (he's front declawed and I don't let him run wild) and his brother followed his herding instincts and held him there until I could get there to pick him up and return him to safety.

In my previous entry I talked about a coworker who took his own life. It has been a spirit of grief and sadness at the office. Our owner brought in a grief counsellor who heads a suicide prevention group. It was helpful to listen to her. She told us that noone was to blame. Of course in your head you know this but I think all who knew him keep asking ourselves if there might have been some small thing that might have made a difference. I understand that he had written a goodbye letter which the police took from his home. His wife has yet to receive it back and has no idea what it says. I found it odd that she said had she been offered the opportunity to read it that night she would have declined. His wife is unusual. She says although she does not understand who is she TO understand. She seems to be a lot more capable of logical reasoning than some of the rest of us. I think this has had an impact on the rest of us. We are being supportive of each other and I think seeing a vulnerability in your coworkers helps you to bond with them. There has been good that has come out of this tragedy. I do find myself feeling very emotional and in the office I try to keep that under control. When I see anything with his name on it my eyes well up with tears but I compose myself.

The woman who came to speak to us had a very professional, well respected son who took his own life. She spoke about what that was like for her. It's been many years and she still doesn't understand fully but has gained much understanding. Often a suicide coincides with depression. That is why it's so important if you see someone depressed to try to help them. This made me do a lot of soul searching. About seven years ago I was battling a depression. I feel (and was told by a professional) that it was being caused by my lack of support and verbal demeaning I was receiving from my ex spouse. The depression was worsening and there came a time where I thought about what it might be like to end it all. I found that for about two weeks I thought of little else. While doing this I stopped functioning on most levels. One day I knew that I had come to a fork in the road. I had to either do it OR get some professional help to pull myself out of what was happening. I made the decision to get help. I was fortunate in knowing two people who had used an excellent doctor. He helped me more than I could ever describe. He assured me that things would get better once I took control back of my life. He helped me find the tools to do that. I am not embarassed that I needed his help. I am grateful for it and I highly recommend that type of help to anyone who struggles on their own. I set my course that day. I took baby steps at first but now I am back on track. I have the life that I dreamed I might have so many years ago. No one's life is perfect. I have some financial and health concerns. The difference is now that I know I will be okay. I know that I am a survivor (of many things).

I am not what I was told I was. I was manipulated for many years but that is over.
Now I am me. I am not the brightest but I'm bright enough. I'm not the prettiest but I'm pretty enough. I AM competent. Although I once perceived myself as weak, logic tells me that I am strong to have turned my life around. Still, I am weak enough to have compassion and identify with others. I finally know that I AM ok. Knowing that allows me to know that so are others. I'm in a good place. Hope you are too.