Doctor Visit and Decisions to be Made

Today I have an appointment with the infectious disesase doctor(s). They are the ones who decide what tests get done, and what antibiotics I should be taking. They are also the ones to evaluate the tests and determine what is going on. I have a complicated and difficult case. They have never been able to culture the bacteria that has caused my problems.
They know it's there based on the four bouts of pneumonia it has caused, the fevers and they vegetation the test showed on one of my heart valves last November. The problem is there are so many things it could be. Last time the infectious disease doctor came to the decision it was staph and had me on vancomyacin for six weeks intravenously. Since this pneumonia appears to be a relapse of that, they are thinking that was not the drug Ineeded. Problem is, again they have not been able to culture it. In the hospital I was on five different antibiotics for a week. The pneumonia responded quickly to it. I came on on two of them and today they have to decide whether to continue with these, change them or stop to try to get a blood culture showing something. This is not an exact science without the information they need.

My rib and back areas are so painful. About a month of continuous coughing which has not all but stopped. I had to call the doctor and get something for the pain yesterday. I had a better night but hubby was unable to sleep and woke me up a few times. Once I am awake I am aware of the pain and it takes time to drift off again. Good news is he was too tired to go to work and will be available to drive me to the new doctor's. Have not been to the office although I have an idea of the general area. I am hoping for answers, but the reality is the answers may be awhile coming. Sometimes you just have a bad year where you are sick a lot and those illnesses are not related (this was said by the lung doctor.) I know that my body cannot continue to recover my major illnesses just months apart. I am hoping they will find something that they can work on. I want to get back to my life....my friends, my job and seeing family. Oh....and shopping. lol

Another lapse of work

It's official....I am out of work on temporary disability again. Until July 1st. This is so disheartening for me, even though I know it's necessary. I should be building up social security benefits and such, getting my full, not partial salary. When I return to work, I will owe them for all the benefit copays that are not being taken out of my paychecks in the months I am out. I am someone who would much rather be at work than out on disability. Still, I realize that my body just cannot do it today. I was supposed to report this morning for jury duty. My doctor faxed a latter over and I have not been able to get confirmation via phone that they received it. Just another thing to worry about...or not.

My aunt and cousin came to visit my mother over the weekend. I got to visit about an hour with my cousin and sister and a bit less time with my aunt. I am not really up to company right now. After an hour my mind wanders off and it feels like work to try to stay focused enough to participate in a conversation. I fall asleep so easily and when I can, I just want to slip away. My muscles are in a lot of pain from being strained from the coughing bouts. My back hurts also.
Well, time for a brief nap. I did make it to the hospital for a blood test this morning, actually ran into the Walmart across the street for a few minutes, came home gave myself my IV and now I am ready to kick back.

Trying to cope...

At times I feel I simply cannot go down this road again. I am having the horrible spasms of coughing and night sweats that frankly scare me to death. I wake up soaked and freezing. If I lived alone it would not be a problem, but Rob has to get up for work at 5:30 and I cannot throw the lights on and jump in the shower at three a.m. There is also a matter of my PICC line. For those of you who don't know what this is, it's a semi permanent IV in your arm. It's near the elbow which is not a comfortable place to have it. I have two dangling lines that I give myself Ivs through. I am also having to give myself shots in the fat of my belly to thin my blood since the medicine which normally does this is being interfered with by all the antibiotics. The shots themselves don't hurt but the medicine burns like a bee sting a few minutes later. I do this twice a day. The rest of the day I nod off and on. I am so weak and sick and hurting. From all the coughing I did the past few months I pulled a muscle which is very painful. I am using heat and taking tylenol. The only thing that really helps is when I take the codeine cough syrup for the nagging cough. That eases the muscle pain.

My poor Rob. He is frustrated. I had hoped he would get some emotional support from people that has not come. He called his family when I was admitted to the hospital nearly two weeks ago. Noone even called him back to see how he was doing. My family is so overwhelmed with my Dad's care and my sister-in-law's recovery. She just had a knee replacement after several other surgeries on her leg from a car accident about a year ago. My mother's sister and my cousin are coming today to try to help out. It will be the first time Mom and her only sibling will be together since their Mom's funeral and I'm sure with Mother's Day approaching it will be quite emotional. How I miss my grandmother. When I was sick she was always giving me emotional support and making me handmade cards and things like that.
Rob is wonderful. I cannot say how hard he tries to do anything to make it better for me. I am miserable though and nothing helps right now. Food is a huge turnoff once again I have trouble getting anything down or if I do it's such a small amount. I still have weight to spare thankfully because I am down nearly fifty pounds from my highest weight five years ago. I am down about thirty-five since last September.

I wish I could say things are going great. I know they will get better and each night I pray I will wake up without coughing so much or in a sweat. I believe everything in life is to teach us lessons and I have had to repeat this class since last Sept and November and I must be missing something.

Returning Home.......

Saturday a week ago (April 10) I had to go to the emergency room of the local university hospital. To say I was sick would not begin to describe the condition I was in. I was coughing up blood, gasping for breath and quickly after arriving to the ER (where they whisked me right in, no waiting) I learned I had pneumonia completely in the right lung and seven huge areas of pneumonia in the left lung as well. I had a temp of about 103 and I was told by hospital personell that I looked horrible. At this time they called in a new team of pulmonologists and infectious disease doctors. I was just released this afternoon. I had another PICC line put in on Saturday. I will be on home IVs again for several weeks as well as some very potent oral antibiotics. I learned today that I am on the best one for lungs and that the cost was over a thousand dollars for the rx. Thank goodness for health insurance.
I am still coughing and will be for awhile. I am weak but at least aware of where I am. Last week I have no real memories of my first days of hospitalization although I had many procedures done to determine that the infection was not in my heart valve. They believe it is not there but are treating the infection as aggressive which it has been. This time they are going to do their best to completely knock it out.
I will write more later in the week. I'm still fuzzy.

And the fourth time in ten months................

Yesterday I went down fast and hard. Previous days had me feeling semi alright until about dinner time. My fever began about eight, broke during the night and the daytimes were better. Until yesterday. Yesterday I woke up feeling poorly and called and left a message for my doctor who has seen me twice in the past ten days. My fever started by 1 p.m. and was rising rapidly and I felt horrible. After waiting for hours and not receiving a call back, when Rob arrived home I told him I needed to go the ER. (I never am willing to go to the ER unless I fell I am in real jeopardy so Rob knew I was not good. We arrived there at six p.m. and they made me wear a mask. Hard enough to breathe without the mask but I am usually an easy patient. I got back into the room within an hour and they were drawing blood (cultures as well) and sending me for another chest xray. The doctor saw me coughing up stuff and took a sample of that as well. It turns out that once again I have a pneumonia. This one is in my right lung where all the trouble started to begin with. In the same spot. The blood counts showed an infection and the number had increased a few thousand since earlier in the week. That's not terrible. I was given a prescription for antibiotics and sent on my way. My doctor had returned my call about SEVEN p.m. leaving a number where I could call her. I think I need a new doctor. I am going to start looking. She knew that I was really sick and I have a big problem with her waiting six hours to return the call. Am I being too hard on her?
When I spoke to the girl at her office I explained that I needed to speak with the doctor. Could it be the person relaying the message didn't do it clearly or promptly? When I was there on Tuesday, the doctor told me someone would come to take my blood work in a few minutes. About half an hour later I left the room and tried to find someone. The office was nearly empty and they had no idea I was waiting in that room. (Mind you, after the blood work was taken I was going to the hospital for a chest x ray.) The doctor had left for the day. If I were not so sick, it wouldn't be a big deal but I feel I am seeing a pattern of inconsideration and/or disorganization. Please tell me, am I over reacting?
Thank you all for your good wishes. I am hoping that once I get this knocked out it will be an easy Spring.
One thing that looms is the possibility that the heart valve infection is still there and causing yet another sickness. It will take time and patience to find out.
Rob went yesterday and picked up our tax forms. I am getting a refund. That will compensate me for the three and a half sick days I just took which will be unpaid.

Surprise Surprise

I know this will come as a great shock but I have been sick again. OMG I am so sick of being sick that the word sick makes me angry. For the past ten days I have coughed literally hundreds of times. I have been given dirty looks by people and have explained at length that I have bronchitis which my doctor assured me was not contagious. I have come home from work for the past week, eaten a light dinner and headed off to bed. Even sleeping ten hours a night didn't seem to help. I finished the antibiotics and yesterday afternoon I just had to go back to the doctor, leaving work early. The doctor heard noises in my lung again. She sent me to the hospital for a chest x ray which thankfully showed NO pneumonia. The blood tests did show another infection. I am tapering off steroids and now on yet another antibiotic.
Last night I was so sick I actually felt like it might be the end. Sicker than I felt in the hospital with pneumonia and the heart infection. My temp was rising and I guess it broke in the middle of the night. I awoke to a pool of sweat and my entire body and pajamas were as wet as if I had just climbed out of a pool. I am running a low grade fever and I am waiting for results of the blood cultures. Hopefully they will show nothing.

I have told Rob many times that I have a different take on life and leaving it. When I was just 23 years old I learned I had cancer. At that time the treatment was massive radiation. I now deal with the damage of that radiation and the loss of my spleen at that time. It has been a constant battle with dealing with health issues and determining that I would have a quality to my life. I have enjoyed my life despite the health battles. To survive cancer and have 32 extra years is no small fete. I have undergone surgeries and had to have a heart valve replacement. That was catastrophic in many ways. I am still forging on and I will for as long as I can. Having said that, I have enjoyed so much in my life, never taking one day for granted. I will never cry because it's over but I will smile because it was. I hope that when I am gone people won't remember the surgeries and the illness but they will remember my smile and laughter. What a long, strange trip it's been and I wouldn't have wanted to miss any of it.

Tuesday

Yesterday I talked with the doctor who said I needed to go fill the steroid prescription. I did and had about three hours of sleep last night, was up another hour then got one hour more of sleep before the alarm went off at 7 a.m. I hope I get a lot more sleep tonight. I did make it to work today, although there were several episodes of me coughing to the point of gasping for breath. Yesterday I did manage to get to a hair stylist who took several inches of thin and dried out hair off. I was so happy to hear her say she saw some new hair growing back. My sides have lost much more than the back. I also got my tax prep stuff to the accountant and made a quick run to Staples. I had to get some more plastic envelopes to sort things for the new tax year. I am so anticipating a nice refund this year. Our income for 2009 dropped over $15,000 from the previous year. Rob was unemployed for half the year and with me being out on disability for five months total, we took quite a loss while our medical costs were thousands higher than the previous year. I am getting caught up and grateful for that.

I cannot believe I still do not have my Easter decorations out. We are planning to get them out tonight after American Idol then hop into bed. I have bought very little in the way of things for the Easter baskets that I prepare for the men in my life. (I have a husband, son and two furboys.) Furboys do not get baskets but a small toy and a treat. We had Duffy groomed last week and he looks so handsome. The cat keeps his fur immaculate so is self grooming. Since I have been sick again my Smokey has been hovering near me.

My eyes are tired and I'm going to sign off and shut down the pc and give them a rest. Stay dry.

Sick again.......

The past few weeks I have been plodding along, putting into motion new things that are going on at work. There have been some big frustrations for me and I know that I cannot blog about them. I will say that my new boss is supportive and that has been a big help. While she tried to help me she was not able to make the decisions.

On Wednesday one of my coworkers came to work very sick. Or maybe it was Tuesday. Midday he left to go home as by now his voice was gone. He didn't return to work until Friday, by which time he was well. In the meantime I and another coworker came down with the same ailment. The other young man (who is one of my favorite coworkers ever) seemed able to throw it off and was taking some over the counter meds. I cannot afford to do that with the prescription meds I take. I made it through the week but last night I began to feel very ill and discovered I was now running a temp as well as wheezing from my chest. I called the doctor this morning and she agreed to see me. (They reserve a few hours each week for Saturday appointments for people who are sick.) She told me that I had bronchitis but didn't think I had pneumonia again. I already have three inhalers and she advised me to use them and gave me an antibiotic. I filled it and am trying to rest this weekend. She gave me a note and advised me to stay home Monday if I was not better, call her and come back in, possibly for a chest xray. I am supposed to get a lot of rest and I am on the sofa with the tv on. I sure hope I am feeling a lot better by Monday. I have no sick days. They were taken for the first days when I went out on temporary disability. It's a constant mind battle for me: when do I use a sick day as I can only call out four times a year, trips to an emergency room don't count as unscheduled call outs but with a large copay it's not something I can do frequently. I know in this economy I am lucky to have a job. I just wish I were healthier and didn't have to worry about losing it for call outs.

Sleep Please

I am having trouble sleeping. It's probably because I have so much on my mind these days. My brother took my mother yesterday to Motor Vehicles where they turned in my Dad's license so he can be taken off her car insurance. He has not driven in about a year and a half and since he is in the condition that he is, it was foolish for her to spend money on the insurance but as long as he lived in her house as a licensed driver she was required to. It was an emotional day for both of them. My brother often comments that my Dad is gone yet still here.

I believe I mentioned in another post about my hair. It has been very distressing to see handfuls coming out each day.
I have actually started washing it every other day to reduce the loss. The dermatologist sent me for blood work and for some reason the lab sent a copy here. Somethings I just do not need to know such as all the abnormal cells they found. I have been reading and I fear that my artificial heartvalve is the culprit. It can "TEAR UP' your red blood cells so that they cannot transport the oxygen. At work we often have to walk downstairs and across the building. Oh how I have come to dread this. Coworkers pass me and I am gasping for breath and simply must stop. One young lady, Janis, is a sweetheart and waits for me. She has health issues and recently returned to work herself. She knows how hard it is. It also appears that although I am on blood thinner my platelets are up to 445 which is high. Well, blood thinner does not affect the number of platelets it just makes them less sticky to avoid clots. My calcium is also very low. I cannot wait for the doctor to call me back and discuss the results. I am doing my best to shove all this knowledge to the back burner of my mind. Today I purchased shampoo recommended by a few hair dressers which they say will feed the hair follicles. $30 for the large bottle for each product. I also bought four tops for work and new earpieces for my Ipod. My Leprechaun got new Timberland boots which he needed for his warehouse work and three shirts. We had lunch at Ruby Tuesday's. We always get the tiny mini burgers and the salad bar. I treated myself to a glass of red sangria. Yum!
Rob has gained so much weight since we got married his wedding ring no longer fit him. It is being resized 1 1/2 sizes larger! It's a nice ring which he uses for dress. He has a different ring he wears for working.
We accomplished a lot today. Errands, shopping and some time just for us this morning. I am really tired but we will catch the HBO movie before bed. Hope to wind up the taxes tomorrow and check the bank statement.
It was so sunny and beautiful here today. Hope it was where you are too.

Update

Yesterday we managed to move the furniture out of the way. Our guest room has the same furniture as Deborah and Raymond's if you ever watched the show. The armoire is VERY heavy but we managed to move it to pull the carpet up from the corner. We had to move the bed and everything except the computer hutch. We found the padding was saturated as well as the floor under it. We spent all day using a space heater and a blow dryer and a fan to get the floor and carpet dried. We went to Home Depot and bought new foam padding which Rob was able to put down with just a staple gun. That cost us about $35. Finally by after ten p.m. we were done and exhausted. In the course of removing the padding I managed to step on a hidden rusted carpet staple and my foot is sore. I am going to reach my doctor this morning and arrange for a tetanus shot. Not sure when my last one was. I called out of work to take care of that. We barely slept this weekend and when we were awake we were doing a lot of physically demanding things. I am tired. Going to take care of the shot, get some groceries and try to rest a bit. I do think we managed to get the carpet and floor dry quickly enough not to have to replace it. It doesn't even smell although I will have it shampooed.

Hopefully things will go smoothly today. Keep your fingers crossed!
By the way, many people in New Jersey are still without power. One neighbor told her that our electric company gave her an expected time of TUESDAY. Thankfully, they did better than that.

Beware the Ides Of March

March has been really hard on us. After my blog posts yesterday we lost our power. It was out for nearly 24 hours. During that time I learned that FIOS is a major rip off because I paid a fortune for phone service so that in an emergency without power I would have phone service. WRONG and why did they not tell me this? You have a battery back up that if you don't use perhaps will last for hours. When they asked me to change to FIOS they never advised me of this problem, with my health issues I would not have agreed to it. SOOO our cell phones were not charged the night before, we each had one bar and we lost the house phone a few hours into the power outage. At dinner time I took some boneless chicken breasts and a stir fry mix that had a lot of soy beans in it, over to my mothers and made dinner for all of us.
Thankfully I always make extra food. We recharged our cells and the laptop and came home about 8 p.m. During the night I woke up in a sweat, the house was freezing and my heart was pounding. No doubt, the stress of it all. Our heat finally came back on about 8 a.m. this morning. I walked into our guest room which holds the computer hutch and Rob's computer, and found a wet puddle on the carpet. At first I wondered if one of my fur boys had an accident (which is rare for them) but realized it was just water. This morning we pulled the carpet back and the area is very large with wet foam padding and wet carpet. We have a fan and a heater trying to dry it. I think we may have to replace the carpet which is rarely walked on. It was builders carpet and is eight years old but we are good with keeping our carpet vacumned and shampooed. I'm sure it would be a minimum of $600 to replace it. We'll see what happens. It's just that on top of the dryer, Rob's major and my minor car repair, the grill replacement and Duffy's vet bill, we need a break. My Sheltie Duffy has developed something (a growth) just above his eye. Our visit last week included a blood test for his thyroid that we paid $50 for and I am still waiting for those results. I have called twice and been promised a callback. She gave us an antibiotic ointment with a steroid in it and told us to apply warm compresses a few times a day.
The "growth" has not changed and she said it would have to be surgically removed if it gets bigger.
We just need a break of time where nothing is going wrong and adding stress to our lives. We have enough already!

A Soaking Saturday

We are getting p0unded today with heavy wind and rain. The rain was hitting the windows so hard it woke me at 4 a.m. I have actually been up since then. Once I wake I become aware of all the things I neglected to do before I went to bed because I was so tired. I then feel compelled to do them even though I am still very tired and my eyes do not want to open.

Yesterday we both got paid. I sat down and promptly paid bills and was truly amazed that $1,200.00 left us as quickly as it arrived in the bank. The cost of living seems so high these days.
I feel like I am being held hostage to have decent internet and television. If I go with the cable company for internet it means I must supply the router and set it up myself. That seems complicated. I am currently using Verizon Fios and it is ridiculously overpriced and doesn't always work as great as they say. They did give me a free wireless router and that I like. Still, not worth what I am paying for it. Several of my neighbors bundled using cable and their phone service is horrible. My son did the same thing and the phone has been a nightmare. All seem to be told it's their phone when they call. The phones that don't work seem to work find at my house so I think there is another issue. Rob is working today. We are getting caught up on our bills, even the medical bills that are still trickling in. I feel good about that. I just hope that I can put some money back into my emergency fund that was used as it is low.

I saw a doctor this week about my hair. I believe I blogged about this already, but my hair is drastically thinning out. I don't want to say falling out because it sounds so severe but each time I wash it, or dry it, or even brush it, there is a handful of hair. My internist blamed the illness, my lack of vitamins and protein in my diet, but suggested I see a dermatologist. He feels it might be those causes but is doing several blood tests, saying it's more likely something hormonal. I have been trying to eat soy and drinking soy milk which I am not fond of. I am also taking iron and a B complex vitamin, hoping that will help. It has become difficult to make my hair look nice for work. I can put it up but that seems to be causing breakage. I will have to get several inches trimmed off as it looks very thin on the bottom.

I am getting back into the routine of life as it was prior to my illness. I must say I actually feel better now than before it was diagnosed. I am hoping my energy will continue to return, even stronger. Things seems so much better than they did. Well, I am off to do some filing of papers and going to attemp to get my tax papers altogether so I can get them done. I expect a refund this year.

Another Week Draws to a Close

What a week! We had the dryer repair, the car repair, a major snowstorm and other minor ripples in our universe. Last night Rob came home after working late (we both worked a bit of overtime this week, he much more than I) and wanted a nice hot shower. He turned the water on and found there was no hot water. I was downstairs in the kitchen and felt the water heater which was ice cold. We have a neighbor, Ken, who was a plumber but who has a terrible problem with his back and has been out of work for quite a while. We called him and although he couldn't do anything physically, he told Rob what to do. It seems out darling fur givers had generated enough fur to clog up the pilot light and it had gone out. We got it lit temporarily and he will show Rob how to properly clean it on Sunday with a special kind of vacumn and tool. He refused money so I will buy his family a grocery store card as thanks. This brings our total repairs to over one thousand dollars in ten days (well including the purchase of the grill.) YIKES. Each time I even think of not working or going part time this is why I don't do it. My goal is to try to get my car paid off this year. In the event I would have to be out of work again for any illness, that would take a lot of pressure off.

I am feeling so much better than I did the entire 2009 year. That makes me feel so optomistic. Let me tell you, if you don't have your health you have nothing. I look back and don't know how I managed to go to work and perform. I was that sick for months on end. I am hoping as my breathing continues to improve, to build more stamina and get in better shape. I would like to lose even more weight as I think I have more energy from that alone.

I had a coaching session at work today. I was very pleased. They are impressed at how quickly I have adapted to the changes and my performance is at the top of their scale. I take pride in that. My new team are a great group of people. I am the "new kid on the block" and there are a lot of times I might feel left out but I shake it off. Although you spend a lot of time with coworkers I always try to tell myself that they will come and go and are not the people who are trulyimportant in my life. This last round of illness helped me to be more patient and tolerant. I find less and less bothers me as my focus is on MY health and reclaiming it. I am also trying to identify what activities will be relaxing for us as the weather warms up.

It's going on 11 a.m. and I have been up since about six this morning. I am tired and going to call it a day. Rob is working tomorrow and I plan to do a few relaxing things for myself in the morning. I am so glad that his check will be more next week and we can knock some of these bills out quickly. Rob got a small raise and that will help too.

One other thought.....my cousin in Maryland sent me a message. The blizzard damaged my grandmother's dogwood tree she loved so. For some reason, that upset me terribly. I realized that most days I have to push thoughts of her away so that I can function, especially at work. It just seemed that maybe the tree was not as strong without her and I think of her house being emptied out and her things dispersed. She loved her tiny home and her sentimental things that she treasured so. I have to tell myself that I carry her with me in my heart and in my memories but there are days I feel I would give anything to be able to see her smile, or feel her hug once more. Even though I told her frequently how much I loved her, I wish I had done it even more. I long to hear her voice just one more time. Rest in peace beloved one.

A Long Weekend

( Smokey on our computer)

Yesterday our second big snow storm hit us. I was nervous driving to work in the slush. When I first arrived I was the only one there on my team. Later two more people came in. Around noon they decided to let us leave and get paid for the rest of the day. I hurried home and my sweetie was here with the dryer repairman. My dryer once again is working. I am so happy but I felt $236 was a bit on the high side since it was a fuse blown. It did require two visits and the guy showed Rob that we had to be more careful cleaning out lint. He feels that is why it overheated in the first place. As though that were not enough excitement for the week, Rob's car broke down on Wednesday on his way home from work. It had to be towed to a garage and it was a big repair. The water pump went and the mechanic found that the timing belt which was due, needed to be done. He also saw other belts that were worn and we had them taken care of too. The final bill was about $600.00. On top of the dryer bill.

Earlier in the month I urged Rob to pick a grill as a belated birthday present. Our old one was in terrible condition. It was eight years old and rusting out inside. We found a great one at Lowe's $150 off and we had to get the cover and some new utensils too. My paychecks for the next few weeks are spoken for. I know we will really enjoy the grill. My brother and his wife picked it up for us with their truck and when they delivered it,they gave Rob a grocery store gift card for some steaks for it. That was so nice. My brother also helped us with the car repair.

Today I tried to go through the kitchen and refill things like the spice rack on the counter. Made a large grocery list and after supper we went to the market and got many staples we needed. My doctor said my hair loss is due to vitamin loss from my illness and many meds. She wants me to have a lot of soy and protein in my diet. For dinner I made a wonderful stir fry with edeme or soy beans. There was some chicken in it also and it was really good. I made a homemade apple cobbler yesterday and had that for dessert. I bought some soy milk which I have never tried before. It certainly is expensive. She also recommended I have a sugar free Carnation instant breakfast in the morning. I got that. I feel that I do eat very healthy so it is frustrating to have these problems. My hair is so thin now and the strands left are as fine as baby hair. I also have an appointment to see a dermatologist to make sure there is nothing else going on.

Can't believe I still have our weekend ahead of us. I am looking forward to taking it easy. The only thing we must do is take our Sheltie to the vet on Sunday. He has what almost looks like a hive by his eye. It may be nothing but I am very cautious with the health of my furbabies. They have been going crazy with the snow. Smokey is an indoor cat but we allow him out briefly in the fenced in section of the yard. He hates the snow and getting his feet wet. Duffy loves the snow and hates to have to come back indoors. They are such individuals.

Hope you all have a relaxing weekend.

US Pride

I am so happy that we won over Canada in hockey....except that Martin Brodeur my secret crush is the goalie for the NJ Devils and was on the Canadian team. Did I mention he got whacked in the head by a puck? Knowing how tough he is I only shuddered for a moment. I have never enjoyed sports until I went to a hockey game. My first was in 1990. I was hooked on the NJ Devils. If only I could afford season tickets. Of course it would be very difficult to attend the games and get up the next day for work. I am far too practical, even in my fantasies I guess.

Today at work I was the recipient of a lot of prizes of sorts. I got a notebook that I really like (for a survey that was very favorable), three strands of purple mardi gras beads, a keychain with an LED light and an Amazon bookcard. It's nice to get recognition for your hard work.

I am very tired today. Took my iron but I am still dragging a bit. Coffee gets me through the day. Hoping for a better night's sleep. It's just too tempting to stay awake to watch the Olympics. More later in the week.....

Winding Down

It was a rather hectic week for me...both good and bad. The week started off with me going back to dealing directly with customers where I work (it's a call center). This can be very stressful, especially when you are getting used to all the policy changes and a major revamp of one of the computer systems you are in. Things had changed drastically and I really didn't know how I would manage to catch up. I watched other agents for two weeks but that is totally different than navigating through the system yourself, making one wrong choice can cause you minutes. Customers are not always patient. On Monday, I was reluctant and was given another day to prepare. Tuesday I went live. Fortunately, I have many friends where I work and they all were very helpful. My new supervisor and department head were helpful as well. I am so relieved to be with this new supervisor and her team. One of my former teammates is with me as well. She is so helpful and a very kind person. My past two supervisors were young men and it's a totally different environment with them. This new team are the top performers in our department and we were gifted a party of sorts with two hours off work. We had a room in which to eat a Chinese buffet and lots of enjoyable things to do, such as a pool table and Wii. It ended up with us playing music and these people were so much fun! I am getting to know them personally and they are one great group of people. Our department head joined us and he is a lot of fun too. I really like him. He gets a lot of things done to make our work environment better. I feel so relieved that my job feels so much less stressful.

On the home front my dryer broke. I've had it eight years. It's a Maytag and I bought it for the quality. Not top of the line but it's been great until this week. The repairman is coming this morning. I had washed two tubs of clothes before I learned the dryer would not start. After work I ran to my neighbor Stacey's and she told me to come dry the clothes at her house. I had intended to go to a laundromat. (After all my recent illnesses I was not looking forward to exposing my bedding to more germs.) I thanked her profusely and while the clothes dried, we enjoyed some white wine. When I count my many blessings, I always put good neighbors at the top of my list. We are blessed with a melting pot of people who are all helpful to each other. This is the lowest income area I have lived in (meaning my development, not my town) but these are the most generous and helpful people. I find that so interesting. I lived in an affluent neighborhood previously and those neighbors were never helpful. In an emergency you never knew if they would answer their doors. How sad.

I am still experiencing some dizzy spells and when I walk I still have shortness of breath. In addition to that, my hair is thinning out a lot. I had blood test and I am anemic. I am starting on iron supplements and hoping that will help with the hair issue too. Having less stress at work has certainly helped me. I am going to bed earlier and trying to make sure I get more sleep.

That's about all I have going on here. How are things in your little corner of the world? It's going up to a heated 40 degrees today and the huge mounds of snow continue to melt. Making chicken marsala for dinner. Life is good.

Under the Weather

Yesterday at work I was not feeling too good. I toughed it out and we had training in the afternoon and I struggled to stay with it. Came home and fell asleep immediately after having dinner and missed the opening ceremony of the Olympics. Crawled into bed at 10:30 and slept until 7 a.m. which is late for me. I got up and let Rob sleep in. His back is really bothering him. We went to Walmart and got a few things this morning then we went to Lonestar Steak House for his belated birthday luncheon. He got a steak he loved, sirloin with crumbled bacon on it. We then came home and just as we finished a cup of tea my sister called to say she had seen a desk in a used furniture store I might like. We went and looked. I should have taken pictures of this store. It's like being in a huge flea market but the store itself used to be a grocery store. The aisles are overflowing with things and many have shelves that are six or eight high. Dishes, Christmas decorations, furniture, you name it, they have it! The roof was leaking I'm sure from the melting snow. We couldn't get up and down every aisle. One desk interested me but that was already being held for another customer. When my desk top computer went we took apart and threw out the large computer hutch. It had been moved several times and was being held together with screws. It was wobbly and with a laptop I use my kitchen table which is far more comfortable and convenient. Rob's computer has a computer hutch that matches our guest room furniture.

Valentines Day is tomorrow. My thoughts on love and a significant other offend some. I do not believe that there is ONE person in the entire world for you. I don't really believe in soul mates, at least not the way most people use that word.
If people were 100% alike a relationship would be quite boring. What I do believe is that too many people put all of their chance for happiness on one individual. My friend D (who does not read my blog) always talks about her soul mate B.
Mind you, when they met she told him that she was already divorced twice and had been cheated on and that is one thing she would never tolerate. He swore by the sun and the moon that he would never do such a thing. Well, guess what he was doing the last four months? When she found out, I basically asked her, if that was the ONE thing she had told him she would end their relationship over and he did it, didn't she feel he was sending her the message that he wanted out?
He swore all these other things and then two weeks later left her for the other woman. Shortly after that she made some statements to him and he came back. She swears this is because of his devotion/promises to her. In my opinion, she is being ridiculous. If she was together herself, she would let him go but she cannot because he is her "EVERYTHING and she is nothing without him."

Firstly, I believe an individual needs to have love and respect for themselves. Far too many people think they will find a person who will fill all the holes they have. They need to fill them themselves, sometimes with the help of therapists or friends but not by someone who they will then never be able to let go of. We are complete individuals, not halves looking for the other half of ourself. Too often this person who feels only partial will look for someone who seems romantically interested and proclaim them their soul mate. They will then put the responsibility for their happiness on this individual who in time may crumble from the pressure of it. That is not to say that someone in a crisis cannot lean on another person for a time. When people meet they can fall into a romantic love. That is usually when all the courting and often commitment take place. In time, romantic love lessens and they make a decision to love the person. IF they make the decision to, they will make all their decisions, hopefully, based on their "love" for the person. If they decide not to, or if they rethink and change their mind about the decision, they will allow themselves to consider other options. Twice in my life, although in love with someone, I realized that they were having a very negative impact on me and I made the decision to end the relationship. I do realize many people are in bad relationships because they lack the strength to change the situation OR it's not possible for them to due at a given time.

The best feeling in the world is to CHOOSE to love someone and to keep reaffirming to ones self that this is right for them. Having said that, to know that they are a total person on their own and should something change, they will be okay. We all come into this world alone (birth is a solitary experience) and we all leave the world alone (so is death.) I fail to understand why some people cannot go for weeks or months without having someone in their lives. I have a wonderful caring and loving significant other. I rejoice that he is in my life but I know that regardless, I would be okay.
Knowing that allows me the freedom to choose to be with him.

Happy Valentines Day to all of you. Rob, this is our tenth Valentines Day. They all said it wouldn't last. The day you told me that you would have me no matter what, if I had the courage to marry you or not, I knew you were the one for me.

Blizzard Conditions and a Day Off Work

I woke up about four a.m. to see that it had snowed several inches. I was really wondering whether or not I would have to work but leaning towards yes. I called work and they said at that time they were open, but if you felt it was not safe to come in, you could opt for a vacation day. I then called Rob's work and found they were closed so I decided to take the day. I get ten hours a month to use for sickness/vacation. It's not a lot of time so I try to be careful about how and when I use it. All my accumulated time was used when I went out on disability last September. I called the weather line later and was told that the building was closed and we would be paid for the day, and would not be expected to use our days off. Hooray! These are the times I love working. Rob slept in and I took a two hour nap between ten a.m. and noon. He used the snow blower to assist a few neighbors and is now trying out his new Wii game Resorts. My Internet connection varies. I have FIOS and am wondering if we might lose it altogether.

Rob and I have had an upset recently. It seems last summer when I posted that I was hurt because I was not allowed to see his niece, his mother's family members told her I posted "horrible things about her." Anyone who knows me, knows this is absurd. You would have to be pretty stupid to post something on Facebook that you didn't want spread around. Secondly, the post was about MY feelings and not his mother. His cousin railed on in her postings which prompted many of my friends to post saying that what she was saying was untrue. The greatest irony of all was how his cousin said I should have kept it all private. She could post all she wanted on FB but I should use better judgement. The fact is that I cannot understand how his mother would believe this. If someone came to me and told me such a thing I would
A. insist on seeing the actual postings
B. confront the person and ask them why they did it.
I would not simply get angry about it and bring it up nine months later. Rob told her that he had read the posts. In fact, he made one, defending what I had said and pointing out the inaccuracies. His mother basically told him that he was not being honest when he told her I did not post anything horrible about her.

Life is very short. I no longer have the time, patience or desire to deal with this trivial b.s. I am an open and honest person. It has been difficult at times to deal with repercussions for speaking my mind. I will not have people in my life who wish to cause chaos or hurt others that I love and try to blame me for the pain they inflict. What makes me so very sad is that Rob has a niece who lost her mother two years ago. The whole thing started when his mother came through our town on the way back from Michigan. His mother lives in Rhode Island. She called Rob and told him she would meet him at the mall for dinner and he could spend ONE hour with his niece who lives three hundred miles away. Rob told her that I could not be there because I had just returned to work a few weeks earlier after a bout with pneumonia. She said that she was on a schedule and would be there at that time. He told her if she wouldn't accommodate me he would not come. She called him the next day and talked him into meeting them, even though she knew I could not join them and I was devastated at knowing his niece was so close and I would not be able to see her. I asked my boss if there was any way I could leave early and he told me absolutely not. I called and left his mother three phone messages telling her how hurt I was. I got no call back and neither of us heard from her for months. To this day, I have not spoken with her. She calls usually when she knows I am not home, still working. (She used to call Rob only on his cell phone but gave up when he stopped answering it during working hours.) I discussed this with a therapist who told me that she shows me no respect and that she seems to want to cause marital problems for us. I know she pushed her daughters to get divorced, one did and the other who is still married, moved far away. As a mother, I cannot understand why any mother would not be happy that her son found someone he loves, who loves him and has a good life. Granted, he lives far away but when his sister was dying we both took off work for a week and went to be there. We also went up several weekends during her illness and several times right after her passing. I don't understand where she is coming from or why. I guess I don't need to. I just need to distance myself. I would never discourage Rob from spending time with his niece or his mother. I just can't go through anymore right now. I am still grieving over the loss of my grandmother, watching my father slowly die, and trying to regain my health. That's enough. All else has to be put on the back burner. All my life I lived to please others and care for others, now it's going to be about me, at least for now.

Snowy Sparkling Saturday

Friends I finished my first week back at work. It was really a good week. In my absence my previous supervisor was promoted and my former team dispensed to other existing teams. I lost many people I had been with a long time. One friend, Jasmine, is on my new team with me. I have known many of the people on my new team and they are lovely people. For the first time, I have some women who are mothers of grown children and I related much better to them.
Some of the younger people show respect to those of us who they consider their elders by calling us "Miss Nelle" or Miss O. They are very helpful and smiling and laughing. We have a happy group. Our supervisor name is a lovely woman who is intelligent, thoughtful, kind and supportive. She expects us to do what we should, but will assist us in any way we need.
I really look forward to being a part of this group. Our entire department got a new top manager. I like him as well. He is so much more personable then people of the past. Our company has made some wonderful changes recently. I was so nervous about returning after four months off but I returned to find a new computer, a new team, two new bosses and a feeling of excitement. It's all good.

Just yesterday I received my disability check which I should have received Jan. 3rd. If I were on my own, supporting myself I would have been in serious jeopardy. As it was, I owed every cent of that check. This Friday I will once again get a paycheck from my employer and can finally be caught up. The cost of food has gone up significantly here. I honestly don't know how people in this area could make it on one income. I find that I am spending at least $50 more per week over last year.

It began snowing about 11 p.m. It hasn't stopped and I would guess we have 20 inches on the ground right now. My mother only lives about two miles away and she is very upset that the health aide she has for my Dad is not going to come at all today. My Dad is a big man and trying to change his diaper at 200 lbs is very difficult. He cannot even stand on his own so getting him out of the bed or into his wheelchair is not possible for her. On days Bryant doesn't come it means my Dad remaining in bed which put him at risk for bed sores. Rob is snow blowing out our driveway but the roads are really bad. We could get there but neither of us can lift Dad either. He is paralyzed on his right side and when you touch that arm he cries out in pain. It's so difficult to care for someone in this condition. My mother turned 78 last week and I don't know how much longer she can do this. It is just so costly to put him in a nice place and she feels that he worked so hard (often two jobs) and he should be able to be in his home he worked so hard for, as long as possible.

We have a pot of stew in the crockpot. Since being told I was anemic I have been trying to eat more beef and the dizzy spells I was having seem to be less and less. Time to catch up on blogs, Facebook games and emails. Hope you have a great weekend.

Early Morning Thoughts

Taken about seven years ago: Rob and Jennifer

It's Wednesday morning. It's Rob's birthday. Am I prepared? That would be a negative. I started back to work on Monday. It went better than I expected. Last time I was out on disability about a year ago for about six weeks when I returned I was expected to take calls immediately. Since things change frequently, that was a bit overwhelming for me.


There have been many changes this time over a period of four months. I have a new boss, a wonderful lady named Shonda. She is kind and patient and is giving me the time, and preparing for me to receive the training I need to continue in my position. There have been some real positive things that have happened. I will have an opportunity to make more money than in the past as a bonus system is once again in place. It's very exciting.

I have been awake since 2:30 a.m. when Rob got up to use the bathroom. Unfortunately, I am sleeping very lightly. It is now 6 a.m. and I start work at 9. There is a beautiful snow falling, we are only expecting an inch total. I am going to try to take about an hour nap now before getting ready for work. It has been a long time since I actually felt excited about my job. It's a good feeling.

I'm going to pick up dinners from our favorite Italian restaurant for dinner. When birthdays fall midweek and you are both working full time, it's hard to celebrate properly. I'm sure we will do some celebrating over the weekend. Birthdays are bittersweet for Rob. His baby sister, Jennifer's birthday was the next day. They always had a joint celebration and shared a cake. We lost Jen to cancer two and a half years ago. She would only have been 36 tomorrow. What makes it even harder is that she left a daughter who is now only ten years old. Jen was divorced when her daughter was a toddler.
Her daughter is being raised by her grandmother. Sometimes life is hard and throws things our way that no matter how we try we cannot make sense of. There will never be a February 4th where we don't grieve for our beloved Jen. At the same time we feel her with us and we laugh about some of the great moments we had with her. She loved her big brother and she never ended a phone call with telling us she loved both of us. It just doesn't get much better than that.

So happy birthday dearest Rob and Jen you live in our hearts and always will baby girl.