Last week........in review

Last week was quite eventful in many ways. I made a few posts about my sister-in-law, Leslie. She has had surgery to repair the femur and the other bone (sorry I forget). They had to put a piece of cadaver bone in the leg. They are hoping to get her to a rehab tomorrow although she won't be able to stand on it for quite a while. When she gets home she is going to need round the clock nursing care for awhile. This was very serious. We are concerned but honoring her request that noone visit her except for her parents, my brother and her children because she is in a lot of pain from the pins and grafts of bone. I just wrote her a note and a card. I will wait until some of the attention dies down before doing something for her.
On another note I had a very positive experience. I was chatting with a friend from high school who found me on FaceBook. She was telling me how she stays in touch with the son of a friend who passed away many years ago. That struck a chord because I lost a very dear friend in 1986. She had hepatitis as a teen and then had out of control high blood pressure which noone realized was from liver failure. She was sent to a hospital for testing and she coded from the dye. They resuscitated her but then told her she had a short time to live. She was only 34 years old and she had two young daughters. On top of that her husband had just left her for a younger woman. She was working two jobs. I got a call on a July morning as I was returning home with groceries from her older daughter. She was 14 and told me she had found her mother dead. We were both in shock. I kept in touch with them but at some point we lost touch. It was heartbreaking when I last spoke with the father of the older daughter who told me she had just had a baby (she named after her mother). The younger daughter was having some really difficult problems and he was putting her in boarding school. I won't go into details but it has been over twenty years since I communicated with them.......until this week. I found them both on Facebook (actually through their father's account). I emailed them both. The older one still has a lot of anger over losing her mother and seems to blame her. I think she is confused. No doubt over the years she heard her father's accounts of things which would have varied from mine. On Saturday I made copies of many pictures and sent them and the last gift Kathy bought me, to her younger daughter, Dawn. I have to tell you I held that tiny gold pair of earrings and I cried each step to the post office. I hated to let them go but I knew that they were meant to be with her daughter. Her daughter had a lot of questions for me about her mother, and also about her father that she never met. Her parents were divorced when her daughter was an infant. I have them back in my life. The older one seems very stand offish and I am hearing a lot of what I consider propaganda that was told to her being repeated from the younger one who does not believe it. As I licked the envelope I whispered a prayer to my friend that she would send love in the envelope and let the girls feel her love for them. I believe love transcends time and space. I believe that I was meant to get in touch with these girls again. I think it is part of a healing process that Dawn is going through. I feel very blessed to be a part of it in any way.
Weekend was hectic and hurried and at one point my computer desk fell apart. Hubby had to fix it with more screws but feet broke off of keyboard and I am always wanting the feet OUT to use it. We'll see how this goes.
Saw Dad today and several times he just laughed out loud. That is food for the soul. I am capturing all of these things and tucking them away to remember when I need them.
Hoping for a good week.

Update

Leslie had surgery about dinner time yesterday and had some pins put in the two large bones in her leg. The doctor is saying she might need an artificial knee cap but right now they want the leg to heal and the swelling to go down before doing extensive work. My mother said they told her she will have to work with a cane that the leg was so badly damaged it will never be the same. Please keep her in your prayers.
Glad the weekend is here. I have had a difficult week. I am tired and went to work yesterday right after a shower .Didn't have time to dry my hair or put makeup on. Of course I ended u having to be in two meetings so I felt very uncomfortable. I have never gone to work such a mess before. Coworkers insisted I did not look that bad but honestly I was very self conscious. Trying to get some extra time this morning to make a much better appearance today. Thank God it's Friday. My sister is going to be here this weekend too. That means I have to worry less about my parents. My brothers were in New York and I had to run errands for my mother several days this week. That included buying things like adult diapers and I wasn't sure what to get and it took a lot of time. Thankfully my parents had a pretty calm week and my mother handled it better than I thought she might.
Weather is lousy and I have a lot of aches and pains in my chest where I had my surgery. Pain around the heart is always difficult to ignore. Hoping for some extra sleep and sunshine this weekend.
Now tell me how YOU are...........

Life is very hectic

My life is so hectic with being back to work, running errands and trying to help my mother. I have almost no time for myself right now save the hour I may steal to check emails and facebook.
Please say a prayer today for my sister-in-law, Leslie. She was in a bad car accident yesterday. The car she was driving was totalled and her leg is broken in both of the major bones as well as the knee cap has been damaged. The swelling was too bad to do the surgery they had planned about dinner time yesterday. I am concerned she will regain the use of this leg. She is a very busy woman and always helping others, particulary her parents. Her coworkers all know her to be the one to help them when they have had babies or surgeries. This is also a trying time for my brother, Bob and their two teen aged children. It will be hard to be focused on work today but I must. I have two events already and am only permitted four in a YEAR. Just learned that anything else we do counts as part of this point system so if you do anything improperly on your job this can be considered points. Don't know why this was all combined but it was.
Will try to post an update on Leslie soon for those who wish to keep her in your prayers.

Saturday........

I woke up again at 5:30 a.m. It's a curse upon my head. Dog and cat both were sleeping until I woke them up! I am so happy it's a weekend. I did manage to go to work yesterday and I felt so much better than I had. It was a bit hectic there for a Friday but I managed to get through the day.
My brother and his wife (who live next door to my mother) have chosen to spend the weekend at my mother' s mountain vacation home. Yesterday they babysat so my mother could run errands before they left. My middle brother's wife came over and babysat later so my mother could get her hair done. She also supplied dinner for them so my mother was feeling a bit spoiled. I was glad to see them doing those things for her.
I find I am semi addicted to a game on Facebook called Yoville. You are given a virtual apartment and some starter pieces of furniture. Then you can clock into the local widget factory and get paid every six hours. If you have people join your crew you get more money and promotions. You can shop at the town's fashion shop and the furniture store and even a pet store. I aspire to own a dog but first I want a house with a yard for him to play in. There are several style houses you can buy. The trailer is the cheapest, then a ranch, then a cape code, then a gothic and then a modern house. The modern house and a tree house must be purchased with YOdollars. Yodollars must be PURCHASED with real life credit cards. Seriously. One of the bosses where I work purchased her modern and made it a swanky beach house. I am old fashioned and like to work hard for what I get. To tell you the truth though I am tempted to spend ten dollars and speed up the process. Just when I thought I was mature enough to experience delayed gratification. Life is short. Who knows what will happen in Yoville." Won't you please, won't you please, please won't you be my neighbor?"
Fred Rogers, lest you forget.

$100 later...........

OK yesterday I waited all day for my doctor's authorization for CAT SCAN to go through. It didn't. My day that I tried to rest had my husband's car being fixed and delivered. Later realizing that someone else's car parts were in it, had to drop those off and I came home. I still felt really crappy and made husband a steak and when he was done told him I needed to go to the ER. When I arrived it was a slow night. Thank God. Still they hooked me up to some monitors and they did lots of tests, including blood cultures. They did scan my lung. The pneumonia has pretty much cleared up now. I have another few days of antibiotics. The scan showed I have scarring in my lung from many years ago.
Basically, they think I should return to work on Monday but should rest until then. They gave me IVs which seemed to help me. We didn't get home until after midnight. Poor Rob had to get up and go to work today. Tomorow is pay day and I should get my regular check. Two weeks from now I will be missing a week's pay. I only had 4 all purpose days which I will have used last week. We also had a hefty car repair bill and ER cost me $100. I can't let myself get too upset over this, I need to rest and heal. Going right back to bed after I get some breakfast.
CONGRATULATIONS TO SUSAN ON THE BIRTH OF BABY JOSEPH THAT HER DAUGHTER HAD THIS WEEK. WISHING THEM ALL THE BEST AND WISHING JOSEPH A LONG AND HAPPY LIFE.

UPDATE

Ok, here's the thing. Went back to the doctor yesterday. She listened to my chest and doesn't see an improvement. We talked about a few things. I am at higher risk having pneumonia because I am diabetic, because I don't have my spleen, because I have the bionic heart valve. Those are three factors. That's a lot. My age also works against me. Damn mother nature. My breathing does not feel better and my head feels both confused and dizzy. Just read those are also symptoms. Apparently my right lung (which has always been the troublesome one) has a LOT of fluid in it. The lung itself, and now fluid are infected. The crazy part is that I am not running a fever. I do have crazy and almost constant chills but my body refuses to run a fever. I have NO cough. My body does not seem to be doing any of the things it could to help me in this battle. The pneumonia is large according to the radiologist who saw it. At this juncture
(for all those political followers) the doctor feels I need a CAT SCAN. My cat refused and we are waiting to hear from my insurance company (who actually is really good, United Healthcare) to approve it. Then I will schedule it ASAP and find out if the pneumonia is larger than it was a week ago. IF it is, I am in deep doo doo. I will probably have to go inpatient and receive IV antibiotics. IF I get sicker I will have to regardless. Wonderful as my bionic heart valve is, should it become infected it means I would have to get it replaced. YIKES. No thank you. You can imagine how serious that surgery is and we won't even discuss the pain involved. So, I wait. I distract myself from worry by playing a few online games and taking lots of naps. Cause sleep is good for me. I also distract myself with snacks, such as the most delicious diabetic candy on Earth that Jennifer sent. Honestly, it is the first I would buy myself. The other stuff I tried was awful.
Yesterday Susan sent me a beautiful bracelet in the mail. You ladies are spoiling me now. In all honesty I have loved receiving those two packages. I cannot go out, cannot drive myself anywhere. Thank God for neighbors out of work right now who insist "Just call us". Hubby's car brakes went and his car is in the shop getting new brakes and an O2 sensor. Long overdue.
I will keep you up to speed. IF I get hospitalized I will try to borrow a laptop.

Still Sick

I have been awake since about 1 a.m. I had to call out of work today. I hate doing that but I am going to try to see my doctor again today. My chest is hurting. I couldn't sleep last night due to chest making noises and my heart racing. I want to make sure the pneumonia is gone or at least better.
Yesterday my sister went home, back to Albany. It was so hard for her to leave and very hard for my parents to say goodbye. She was here three weeks to help them. She is having surgery in about four weeks herself. She has been handling all the bills, referrals etc for my mother as well as doing all the shopping and meal prep. She is one high energy woman. Now my mother has to do this. Of course I will help when I can but I don't get home until 6 p.m. and dinner will be over by then. I am hoping that I can just go be with Dad and give her a chance to go out at least once a week. She seems so old suddenly and frail.
Well, going to crawl back into bed. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

For a few hours of good sleep

I have not gone to work for three days. You would think I would be well caught up on sleep. NO WAY! Yesterday as soon as I got to sleep the doctor's office called for blood test results. Back to sleep and a few short minutes later my grandmother called to see how I was doing. At this time I got upstairs and came down for a cup of tea. My sister called from a specialist's office to another doctor' s phone number. This went on ALL DAY.I signed into Facebook figuring that is a stress free activity and then the IMing started by one friend. I have been through so much with her. She is married to someone I begged her to get away from. After he abandoned her while she was having surgery in one state, she managed to get back here. While I was going through a divorce, she wanted to live with me but I said no. I did buy her groceries and help her. Next thing I knew she was back with Mr. Trouble again. She won a lawsuit and he wanted to get married suddenly. They did and I wasn't invited to the wedding. Shortly afterwards he took her money, her car and was gone again. She let me know but then backed off for a long time. Now suddenly she has reappeared on Facebook and is looking for more support. I have told her several times that I have my hands FULL. Yesterday when she wanted to tell me all about this guy I told her I have been down this road with you so many times. Your kids begged you not to do this and here you are again. I'm sure she wanted help. Sorry. Not going there again. She saw a friend of mine on Facebook and began talking to HER. That irked me. I have now blocked Facebook IMing. I need this like I need another lung full of fluid. I am going to shower and see if I can get a nap in. I am wiped out. Mentally and physcially.

OH NO :O

Folks I just can't get a break right now. (Except that I know some super people like Jennifer and Susan and others who always add some sunshine to what would be dismal days). I have been having problems breathing and for the past few days it was worse. I left work early yesterday hoping to get in and see my doctor. Couldn't yesterday but did today and she thought I had pneumonia. In my right lung (it's the troubled one apparently). She sent me to the hospital and sure enough the thing is filled with pneumonia junk. Now I will be out of work the entire week. Thank God Jennifer sent me a basket containing lots of sugarfree goodies (Thank you Lord!) and it will be on my night table. At times like this I pray for a laptop to magically appear but sadly it doesn't. Maybe Santa but that's a few months off. So I am gasping for air at times. Those times are when I make any movement. Thankfully I have a handicapped parking tag so my voyage from the car to the x ray department was only about a quarter of a mile in which time I felt sure I would collapse. I was almost tempted to steal a hospital wheelchair but I frown on stealing. So, for the rest of the week I will be around. Can't say I will be enjoying myself. I feel run down and my oxygen intake is low right now. There is a birthday cake on it's way to me. I know this because Rob would NEVER not get me a birthday cake. Just praying it has strawberry filling. I am only going to have a small piece. Pinkie swear.

A late night

Haven't been sleeping well at all. Last night I was awake from 3-6 a.m. Then fell back to sleep for 45 mins before going to work. Today I was allowed to leave early without pay at one. I went to the hospital for my blood level check and then rushed home. I watched the Michael Jackson memorial. I went through a lot of Kleenex. Called my mother who was at an ultrasound test with my father, Bryant the caregiver and my sister. They stopped for pedicures on the way home. Bryant (God bless him) lifted Dad so that he could soak his feet and have his massage and nails cut. They were very gentle with him and they got back home safely. Once there the doctor called. They ordered the ultrasound because my Dad groans and sometimes yells when his arm or hand is touched. This is the paralyzed side which happens to be the right side. The ultrasound showed tha he has bone tumors in the hand and arm. They are pre-cancerous tumors but they are on the bones and have the characterisitics that they are becoming cancer. Two years ago they removed a large cancerous mass from his liver. So now, things are even more complicated. We are trying to find a bone specialist who can inject steroids to lessen the pain when he is moved. He seemed so much worse today. Nothing could please him. I tried to imagine what it would be like to lose the ability to communicate. He is now insisting that all doors be closed (you cannot imagine how much effort went into figuring out what was disturbing him so but we finally did. He wants overhead fans on but no windows opened either. My mother refuses to put on the air conditioner and it was stifling. I couldn't stay long. I came home just not knowing what to do with myself. My birthday is tomorrow. My mother thought it was today. It will not be a happy occassion. I am grateful for all the support I get from friends and family. I just pray now that God will ever so gently take him. I want his suffering to end.

Day After

Our July 4th celebration was very low key. We cooked out at my parents with my sister and her friend. Dad's meals have to be pureed and he can't have everything so he had a variation of what we had, traditional grill food, corn on the cob, potato salad and regular salad. All of us are so tired. My mother, sister and I are all waking anywhere from 4 to 5 a.m. It annoys me so that the few days I could sleep in, I just can't do it. Yesterday I crased at 11 a.m. and slept until 1 p.m. I was recharged a bit. We came home around 9, spent some time on the computer and again crashed early. It just doesn't seem like July 4th when there are no fireworks and my sister almost always goes to see them. Everything seems to be off kilter these days. My sister has been here for two weeks. She has used her time off. Not sure if she can, but she is hoping to stay a few more days. I cannot see how my mother can handle this. My sister had hoped to be supportive and show her what needed doing. My mother wants to take a backseat and just have her do it all. This has been frustrating for us. There is one paid caregiver and if she has to hire another it will be so very expensive. All of this gets paid "out of pocket" as it is care, not rehabilitative therapy.
I was so thrilled that my husband got in some overtime on his new job. I was able to make a big payment on a credit card balance. Hoping to have that paid off by summer's end. I hate carrying a balance but sometimes life hits you with things that lower your income and raise your expenses and it's just a necessity.
I need to run back to the grocery store again today. I make a list, take the list (well most of the time anyway) and then get home and when putting somethings away have to hit myself and say "OH I needed THIS." With two adults and two pets we always need something. Might I say our pets are spoiled. The cat has rejected some treats that look like grass when at every opportunity he grazes like a cow. The dog will eat any treat we buy him but has allergies so we tend to get him the same things all the time. He will "dance" for a treat. We could never teach him out to sit. He flatly refuses but he'll dance. Go figure.
I am so enjoying three days off work. It's been a mini vacation almost. I wish I could slow the days down. I feel like I am fighting off a cold. It's in my chest too and this morning I had to use my inhaler. I cannot afford to be sick and miss work.
Oh and on an interesting note. This year my mother decided my birthday is July 7th. For all the previous fifty years it has been July 8th. My sister and I also came across a book my mother got before she was married (58 yrs ago). In it she recorded all of her son's birthdays but neither my sister's or mine. Ouch.

Not such a bad day

Today I was pretending it was Wednesday since I have Friday off. At work I had some training (I am happy to work for a company who does provide us with a lot of training when changes are made) and then had to meet with my boss for a career plan. He really surprised me with a nice comment about how patient I am with customers. That made my day. It was pouring out when I left work and I called my mother and told her I would stop by on my way home from work. (Last night I came home first and two different neighbors came over and I was so tired and never made it over there.) When I got there my sister had made delicious reubens for us all (a somewhat healthy version with low fat meat and a healthy homemade faux Russian dressing). Dad of course has only pureed food and his caretaker was with him. As soon as we were done he began to scream. He is having frequent muscle spasms in his legs. It was terrible. At first he allowed us to massage them then didn't want them touched. I crushed up an extra strength Tylenol which he managed to get down in some pudding. He was utterly miserable saying things which we struggled to understand. We asked if he wanted to go to bed because it was 7 and he said "Yes" so he was ever so carefully placed in bed. His bad arm was so painful that his gentle giant of a caregiver, Bryant, suggested we leave his T shirt on him. Don't know what we would all do without Bryant. He is huge, like a football player. He is a gentle man in his early twenties. He is patient and kind. We hired him through a service and I'm sure he doesn't get the twenty dollars an hour my mother is paying. He is worth every penny. Had some quiet time with my sister to chat. Something is going on in Albany which will allow her to stay a few more days. She is taking care of everything for my mother. Since I cannot get that kind of time off I am so relieved and grateful that she can. She is attentive to all of my father's needs. My mother feels she is spoiling him but I don't think you can ever spoil someone in this situation. I just hope we can find a way to deal with some of his muscle spasms. A physical therapist is coming, nurses etc. He sees an internist next Tuesday and I am hoping at least by then.
Thank you all for your kind and caring comments you leave. I don't have time for friends right now and you provide more support than you might ever guess.
The friends at work always ask about my Dad and show real caring too.
A three day weekend is coming and I need it. I may try to suprise my mother by showing up with stuff for a cookout. Not sure yet. We take it one day at a time...sometimes we have to take it one hour at a time. That's okay though cause we are still managing. Somehow we have the grace we need for each day.

Monday, Monday can't trust that day

For all who don't know the title was a song by the Mamas and Papas. Knowing that classifies me as a baby boomer.
Weekend was hectic. Rob worked on Saturday for overtime and I took the dog to the groomers, cleaned the house, did laundry, visited my mother and sister for awhile and got groceries. I also prepared a nice dinner. I was exhausted and in bed by 9. Sunday I slept until 8 a.m. strange for me but still woke up tired. I am so far behind on sleep. I took it a bit easier Sunday although my Mom had a really bad day, called at 9:30 and was overwhelmed. My sister had run to the grocery store for about an hour. She has been going out more and more trying to get my mother used to being at home alone with my father. My mother is questioning every decision she ever made at this point. I don't think at times she understands that I simply must work. We cannot make it without my income right now. I get off ten hours a month and since I can only take off 4 unscheduled days per year I must be careful with them and use them only for serious illness. I can schedule other time off in advance but I need to give several weeks notice for that. Emotional meltdowns cannot be scheduled.
Today starts some new changes at work. Schedules have been changed for many coworkes. Mine remains the same due to medical restrictions. I am trying to just go with the flow, do the best I can at my job, supporting my mother, etc. but doing it all without getting too stressed out. It's difficult.
Today I woke at 5 and I am sitting here, having showered but I still need to dry my hair, get dressed and have breakfast and it's nearing 7:30. That leaves me 45 mins to do all this. There are not enough hours in the day. I have messages from friends who are complaining I don't call them. If I call them there is nothing much to talk about right now. My life exists reliving the same day over and over. It's a long and tiring day. I just can't fit another thing in. My only escape is my half an hour or so I spend on Facebook catching up and playing games. That is my ME time. My Dad is the same, talking less and seeming frailer. It seems he is leaving us ever so slowly....but all the same he is leaving us. I never thought it would be this hard.

So very tired

I have been going to work so tired. Then I drink coffee to compensate, elivating my blood pressure. Then I have been having some carbs to boost my energy which backfires and I feel crummy. I have to stop all this. I have been trying to go see my Dad every night. After working (I have gotten stuck twice at work this week, getting home almost an hour later than usual) all day I am pooped. While I may not want to admit it, I am a bit old to be working full time then trying to fit something else in at the evening. I know my mother (and currently my sister) are eager to have me stop by. Thing is, they can nap during the day. I can't. Work is very stressful at times. My company is letting a lot of people go. I have to be on my best at all times. My legs have been swelling from fluid and heat.
I need to be going to bed earlier and getting a full nights sleep. Haven't done that in over a week.
Dad seems to be adjusting okay to being home. He gave them some problems yesterday and they sat down and had a long talk with him. They told him that if does not cooperate he might have to return to the rehab center/nursing home. The place is VERY nice but my father was very upset when he learned how expensive it is. You could live in a very nice hotel for that price. He has agreed to try to cooperate. He is 185 p0unds of almost dead weight. To move him is very difficult and my mother is paying someone to come three times a day. He is a wonderful young man but his agency charges a lot. You cannot care for someone who is this disabled for less than thousands a month, even at home.
I think my bed is calling me. I am so very tired and thankful that tomorrow is Friday. I need a few days off. Hubby is working Saturday which will leave me more time to spend with Mom, Dad and sis. He'll be making overtime and I am hoping to pay an early car payment once in awhile when he has overtime. I was told that my "disability" insurance company who was going to make the car payments cancelled my policy. They refunded the money to the car financing company. This was based on information one of the doctor's sent. Oh joy.

The weekend flew by

The weekend just flew by and I am exhausted. Work tomorrow too.
Dad came home in the ambulance and was immediately placed into his new wheelchair. He seemed to like that he had a much nicer one than the rehab had let him use. It reclines and everything. When I first asked him if he was glad to be home he quietly said "Maybe". These are the things that are so difficult. Seeing a man who was a Navy rescue diver and afraid of nothing now fearful of a change of where he will sleep. He seemed not to recognize many things around the house. Granted some changes were made to accomodate him. When upset he makes this noise which is similar to crying but he is not crying. It is so hard to hear. When he gets tired he is very difficult to deal with. We managed though. It's like you have a young child with almost no speech. He sometimes just laughs at nothing and cannot understand why we are not laughing with him. Often I find it is just easier to laugh along. He is situated in his new room, formerly the living room of the apartment attached to their house. This apartment has it's own deck which we took him out on today. Beautiful breeze once it stopped raining. We got him a Father's Day cake and he had to have a slice pureed but he enjoyed it. All things considered, we had a nice day. He was pooped out and was in bed asleep by 7. He did spend some time with his youngest son and his two other sons wished him a Happy Father's Day over the phone. My sister and I had the priviledge of spending most of his waking day with him. My husband spent several of those hours with him, as did my son.
Well time for bed and hopefully a peaceful night's sleep. Thank you all who have prayed for Dad and for us. We had a memorable day, and it felt like such a gift.

D DAY (as in bringing Dad home day)

In one hour an ambulance will arrive at the rehab and take my father home. It will hopefully be his last ambulance ride. While the ramp was put on the house (actually the initial one was too steep and another contractor reworked it), the sidewalk has still not been poured. It's raining, rained most of the week which meant that was a no go.

When we told my father he was coming home today he seemed VERY unhappy. We asked him "Don't you WANT to come home?" This was all he talked about the first week there. He damanded we take him home immediately back then. "NO!" The social worker and medical staff tell us sometimes they get attached to where they are and do not want any change. My mother promised him if he is not content to be home, we will bring him back there. "OK." He refused to let me kiss him goodnight last night. He was mad. I asked him if we had gotten on his nerves (my mother, sister and I) "YES" and he affirmed that he wanted us to go home. It's really hard to have him be angry at times.
I will be going over there and seeing how he is doing about two o'clock. Wish me luck.

I was so much older then...I'm younger than that now

I remember a quote about children judging their parents and rarely forgiving them. My Dad will be coming home from the rehab on Saturday. The next day will be Father's Day and in all likelihood it will be his last. I used to be so scared of my father. He was a tall and large man. He had a short fuse and he yelled. I didn't live in the same house with him until I was in fifth grade. He was in the Navy and travelled all over while we stayed with my mother. Sometimes we were near Naval bases and others we would stay with my grandparents. When they built a house around the block from my grandparents on the outskirts of Washington, D.C. we were in our glory. We had my grandparents a short walk away and our own house. We moved in when I started kindergarten and lived there through my fourth grade year when we moved the following fall to N.J. It was heartbreaking for my grandparents. It would be the first time we would actually have my Dad around for more than just weekends. He landed a great job in New York and we just had to make the move. We bought a house twice the size of our old one and for the first time my parents actually had money. It felt strange. My father worked a lot of overtime at Mount Sinai Hospital. We adjusted although we were two hundred miles from the rest of our family. My Dad was from Louisiana and was an only child. We only saw his parents about half a dozen times during our childhood. They would never fly and the drive was too much. I was at their home twice in my life.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my childhood and adolescent years this week. When I was younger I was so proud of my father for coming from nothing and doing so well. He was intelligent but his deep Southern drawl was something kids made fun of. In high school kids would say "NAIL, can you rustle me up a tall glass of iced tea?" and laugh hysterical. Now, I see people look at my Dad with pity and sometimes an unpleasant look and I want to defend him. He is helpless. That breaks my heart. For Father's Day I want to do a cook out. My mother thinks it might be too much for him but I have it all worked out in my mind. I have come to realize this: you only get one father. He can never be perfect because none of us are. As you mature you know and see his faults. At some point you have to forgive in order to be at peace with yourself. At the point forgiveness comes, you find that you have peace. It's a wonderful thing.
(This is MY personal experience, I realize not everyone could or should forgive.)
For many years I hoped my Dad would ask for my forgiveness for certain things. He never did. It would have been so much easier to do it had he asked. He always favored his sons. I always knew that it would be his girls who would take care of him when/if the time came. His sons do help in other ways but they find it so difficult to see him like this that they can only take small portions of it.
It is a hard thing to go through. Somedays I wish I had a crystal ball. Heart failure is not something that can be measured by an xray. We live from day to day never knowing. Each day I wake up thinking what a gift it is. One more day of and I list all the things I enjoy. My job is stressful but I am very fond of some of my coworkers. I struggle at times to make the payment but I am thankful to have a nice, dependable vehicle to get to work and other places in. My pets drive me crazy at times but they give me affection at times I need it desperately.
I have wonderful, caring neighbors. My sister and I have forged a new relationship that has come out of this situation. It's stronger than before and I find that my friends don't really know what I am going through but she does.
So much good has come from this that I believe it is all part of the larger plan somehow.
I remember when I was 19 knowing I knew it all. I now know I know very little. Each day I learn a little more. I am more open minded now than every before.
We live, we learn, we grow.

Winding Up the Weekend

Weekends go by much too fast. I have accomplished so much though. Early this morning we were up and off to our local Wegmans. If you don't have one near you, you cannot imagine all that they have to offer. We got fresh corn that was like it was just picked amongst other fresh things. After our order was packed into our trunk we went to Starbucks and used a card that was given at Christmas. We had delicious breakfast sandwiches. Quick trip home to unload the car and I was off to my mother's. My sister and I emptied out my mother's huge freezer downstairs and the two freezers (part of refrigerators) upstairs. What a job. We threw out two huge garbage bags of old food! My father kept buying food like there was still a household of 7 and not 2. There were some four huge packages of hamburgers that were in there two years. Things were never rotated and since they ate out so much they just sat in there. We managed to completely organize what was left and we cooked a few meals and even some pie that was on the cusp of being outdated. My mother came home to a huge pot of sausage and peppers, a fresh baked apple pie and a pot roast in gravy. She won't have to worry about meals for this week. My sister will be returning Thursday and staying for a week. The difficult part was me hauling this huge amount of frozen food upstairs (in large coolers) then transporting it to my car trunk, then to a dumpster where it was unloaded. I cannot lift more than twenty or so pounds at a time and it was a chore. I also cleaned out my mother's kitchen cabinets and organized them. Her kitchen looks like a model home. We'll see how long this lasts. When the kitchen chores were done I went over to the nursing home to see my father. Rob called to tell me our house phone was dead and not working. My father wanted his dog to visit so Rob brought her over. He quickly lost interest and we had to take the dog away. He gets frustrated that the dog doesn't seem happy just to gaze upon him. The dog is easily distracted by any other people in the area. After a visit I headed home and called the phone company. They kind of talked me through testing the outside box. We have FIOS and there are jacks you plug the phone into. If it works the problem is inside not outside. That jack did work so then we had to systematically try each phone and now all seems alright. I made some thick pork chops and fresh corn I had picked up at Wegmans. Also made some delicious freshly made mozzarella topped with fresh tomatoes and fresh basil. Over this you drizzle olive oil that has had garlic added to it. Yummy. A wonderful warm weather delight. Rob cleaned the kitchen and we watched a little tv. Now it's time for bed. It was a quick but very productive weekend. We have the company selected who will provide the caregivers. The ramp has been rebuilt and hopefully this week the new sidewalk will be poured. Things are prepared. Don't know how much longer Dad will be with us but things have been done to make this time as easy as possible for all involved. My mother is scared about bringing him home. We have assured her (my sister and I) that if she cannot handle it, we will find another way. Her home is cleaner and more organized than ever before and I am hoping that will give her spirits a big boost.

Soggy Saturdays make me sleepy

Yesterday I had a very interesting visit with my Dad. My son was there when I arrived and was happy to see him doing some puzzles (childish wooden ones).He was very insistent he do what he wanted last night and let me know it. When I tried to wheel him back towards the building, he stomped his foot and placed it so I couldn't move his wheelchair and let out a boisterous "NO!" I was so happy that I actually bent down and basically told him he was doing great by letting his thoughts be known. He then tried to speak and I guessed at some garbled noises and when I got the right answers he was thrilled. Here is the really funny part. He said rather clearly "Talk to me" and I said "Okay Dad, what do you want to talk about?" Again clearly "tennis". This kind of through me as we have never discussed tennis before and with the small vocabulary he has I was stunned he would say that word. "What about tennis?" "Lessons" this is when it took every ounce of self control I had not to laugh hysterically because he looked serious. "Hmmm Dad have you ever played tennis?" A grin and he said "Maybe." Oh. "Well Dad not sure what else there is to talk about with tennis other than my friend Debbie plays it nearly daily." Again "Lessons". I then reluctantly asked if he might be thinking of taking tennis lessons. "Maybe." I then tried to talk about something else and he later said "tennis lessons". Okay.
You gotta laugh and sometimes I laugh and cry at the same time. So did my mother when I relayed our conversation.
Today Rob went to work. Since he had only worked two days this week he decided it would be good to pick up an extra day. My sister, my Mom and I interviewed agencies that send in visiting nurses and healthcare people. It was draining to go over all that has happened. My sister helped her take down the levolor blinds and clean them, wash the windows and wash and rehang the valances. The house is getting spruce up and we have to bring him home by June 20th. That is the same day of my nephew Ryan's graduation party. His party is at 5 so it will be rough to make it. I am thinking maybe I'll stay with my Dad and let my mother go. My sister will be here then too.
Don't know why I am so tired except for one reason: the rainy weather. Nearly all week we have had rain. I want some beautiful sunshine. Hope we get it for tomorrow. If so I plan to redo my last Sunday schedule: early walk, visit Dad then take it easy.
In the midst of what sometimes feels like chaos, I feel a strange peace.

Almost Time for Bed

I like to be in bed by ten p.m. cause I am old and grumpy. No, seriously I am worn out by then. Now being woken up even earlier when someone leaves for work. YES, WORK! First day at the new job went very well. They actually decided to give him more money than the original offer. Still, less than he was making but hey we were really happy about that. He seemed to like the people and new environment.
Today I was leaving the cafeteria and someone yells "Hey McLoving" and I turn around like "HUH?" and this guy is standing there with a strange look on his face. Someone I don't know. I ask him who he is calling and he points to some pardon me, geeky looking guy. He says he looks like a character in the movie called McLovin'. I tell him my last name begins with McL and I thought he was talking to me and we both cracked up and so did the geeky looking guy. For a minute I thought I still had it. Well, to be honest, I figured it was some smart ass that I know trying to be funny. Now it's time for bed and some sweet McDreams.