Tuesday, July 07, 2009

A late night

Haven't been sleeping well at all. Last night I was awake from 3-6 a.m. Then fell back to sleep for 45 mins before going to work. Today I was allowed to leave early without pay at one. I went to the hospital for my blood level check and then rushed home. I watched the Michael Jackson memorial. I went through a lot of Kleenex. Called my mother who was at an ultrasound test with my father, Bryant the caregiver and my sister. They stopped for pedicures on the way home. Bryant (God bless him) lifted Dad so that he could soak his feet and have his massage and nails cut. They were very gentle with him and they got back home safely. Once there the doctor called. They ordered the ultrasound because my Dad groans and sometimes yells when his arm or hand is touched. This is the paralyzed side which happens to be the right side. The ultrasound showed tha he has bone tumors in the hand and arm. They are pre-cancerous tumors but they are on the bones and have the characterisitics that they are becoming cancer. Two years ago they removed a large cancerous mass from his liver. So now, things are even more complicated. We are trying to find a bone specialist who can inject steroids to lessen the pain when he is moved. He seemed so much worse today. Nothing could please him. I tried to imagine what it would be like to lose the ability to communicate. He is now insisting that all doors be closed (you cannot imagine how much effort went into figuring out what was disturbing him so but we finally did. He wants overhead fans on but no windows opened either. My mother refuses to put on the air conditioner and it was stifling. I couldn't stay long. I came home just not knowing what to do with myself. My birthday is tomorrow. My mother thought it was today. It will not be a happy occassion. I am grateful for all the support I get from friends and family. I just pray now that God will ever so gently take him. I want his suffering to end.


Judith HeartSong said...

Happy Birthday Dear Nelle... I am thinking of you and sending love and gentle wishes.

jennifer said...

Happy Birthday Nelle. I know it's hard to considering the circumstances, but take at least a moment for yourself today.

I remember well finding myself wishing for an end to my mother's suffering, and the complex feelings that wish left me with. So I totally understand where you're at right now.