Not such a bad day

Today I was pretending it was Wednesday since I have Friday off. At work I had some training (I am happy to work for a company who does provide us with a lot of training when changes are made) and then had to meet with my boss for a career plan. He really surprised me with a nice comment about how patient I am with customers. That made my day. It was pouring out when I left work and I called my mother and told her I would stop by on my way home from work. (Last night I came home first and two different neighbors came over and I was so tired and never made it over there.) When I got there my sister had made delicious reubens for us all (a somewhat healthy version with low fat meat and a healthy homemade faux Russian dressing). Dad of course has only pureed food and his caretaker was with him. As soon as we were done he began to scream. He is having frequent muscle spasms in his legs. It was terrible. At first he allowed us to massage them then didn't want them touched. I crushed up an extra strength Tylenol which he managed to get down in some pudding. He was utterly miserable saying things which we struggled to understand. We asked if he wanted to go to bed because it was 7 and he said "Yes" so he was ever so carefully placed in bed. His bad arm was so painful that his gentle giant of a caregiver, Bryant, suggested we leave his T shirt on him. Don't know what we would all do without Bryant. He is huge, like a football player. He is a gentle man in his early twenties. He is patient and kind. We hired him through a service and I'm sure he doesn't get the twenty dollars an hour my mother is paying. He is worth every penny. Had some quiet time with my sister to chat. Something is going on in Albany which will allow her to stay a few more days. She is taking care of everything for my mother. Since I cannot get that kind of time off I am so relieved and grateful that she can. She is attentive to all of my father's needs. My mother feels she is spoiling him but I don't think you can ever spoil someone in this situation. I just hope we can find a way to deal with some of his muscle spasms. A physical therapist is coming, nurses etc. He sees an internist next Tuesday and I am hoping at least by then.
Thank you all for your kind and caring comments you leave. I don't have time for friends right now and you provide more support than you might ever guess.
The friends at work always ask about my Dad and show real caring too.
A three day weekend is coming and I need it. I may try to suprise my mother by showing up with stuff for a cookout. Not sure yet. We take it one day at a time...sometimes we have to take it one hour at a time. That's okay though cause we are still managing. Somehow we have the grace we need for each day.

Monday, Monday can't trust that day

For all who don't know the title was a song by the Mamas and Papas. Knowing that classifies me as a baby boomer.
Weekend was hectic. Rob worked on Saturday for overtime and I took the dog to the groomers, cleaned the house, did laundry, visited my mother and sister for awhile and got groceries. I also prepared a nice dinner. I was exhausted and in bed by 9. Sunday I slept until 8 a.m. strange for me but still woke up tired. I am so far behind on sleep. I took it a bit easier Sunday although my Mom had a really bad day, called at 9:30 and was overwhelmed. My sister had run to the grocery store for about an hour. She has been going out more and more trying to get my mother used to being at home alone with my father. My mother is questioning every decision she ever made at this point. I don't think at times she understands that I simply must work. We cannot make it without my income right now. I get off ten hours a month and since I can only take off 4 unscheduled days per year I must be careful with them and use them only for serious illness. I can schedule other time off in advance but I need to give several weeks notice for that. Emotional meltdowns cannot be scheduled.
Today starts some new changes at work. Schedules have been changed for many coworkes. Mine remains the same due to medical restrictions. I am trying to just go with the flow, do the best I can at my job, supporting my mother, etc. but doing it all without getting too stressed out. It's difficult.
Today I woke at 5 and I am sitting here, having showered but I still need to dry my hair, get dressed and have breakfast and it's nearing 7:30. That leaves me 45 mins to do all this. There are not enough hours in the day. I have messages from friends who are complaining I don't call them. If I call them there is nothing much to talk about right now. My life exists reliving the same day over and over. It's a long and tiring day. I just can't fit another thing in. My only escape is my half an hour or so I spend on Facebook catching up and playing games. That is my ME time. My Dad is the same, talking less and seeming frailer. It seems he is leaving us ever so slowly....but all the same he is leaving us. I never thought it would be this hard.

So very tired

I have been going to work so tired. Then I drink coffee to compensate, elivating my blood pressure. Then I have been having some carbs to boost my energy which backfires and I feel crummy. I have to stop all this. I have been trying to go see my Dad every night. After working (I have gotten stuck twice at work this week, getting home almost an hour later than usual) all day I am pooped. While I may not want to admit it, I am a bit old to be working full time then trying to fit something else in at the evening. I know my mother (and currently my sister) are eager to have me stop by. Thing is, they can nap during the day. I can't. Work is very stressful at times. My company is letting a lot of people go. I have to be on my best at all times. My legs have been swelling from fluid and heat.
I need to be going to bed earlier and getting a full nights sleep. Haven't done that in over a week.
Dad seems to be adjusting okay to being home. He gave them some problems yesterday and they sat down and had a long talk with him. They told him that if does not cooperate he might have to return to the rehab center/nursing home. The place is VERY nice but my father was very upset when he learned how expensive it is. You could live in a very nice hotel for that price. He has agreed to try to cooperate. He is 185 p0unds of almost dead weight. To move him is very difficult and my mother is paying someone to come three times a day. He is a wonderful young man but his agency charges a lot. You cannot care for someone who is this disabled for less than thousands a month, even at home.
I think my bed is calling me. I am so very tired and thankful that tomorrow is Friday. I need a few days off. Hubby is working Saturday which will leave me more time to spend with Mom, Dad and sis. He'll be making overtime and I am hoping to pay an early car payment once in awhile when he has overtime. I was told that my "disability" insurance company who was going to make the car payments cancelled my policy. They refunded the money to the car financing company. This was based on information one of the doctor's sent. Oh joy.

The weekend flew by

The weekend just flew by and I am exhausted. Work tomorrow too.
Dad came home in the ambulance and was immediately placed into his new wheelchair. He seemed to like that he had a much nicer one than the rehab had let him use. It reclines and everything. When I first asked him if he was glad to be home he quietly said "Maybe". These are the things that are so difficult. Seeing a man who was a Navy rescue diver and afraid of nothing now fearful of a change of where he will sleep. He seemed not to recognize many things around the house. Granted some changes were made to accomodate him. When upset he makes this noise which is similar to crying but he is not crying. It is so hard to hear. When he gets tired he is very difficult to deal with. We managed though. It's like you have a young child with almost no speech. He sometimes just laughs at nothing and cannot understand why we are not laughing with him. Often I find it is just easier to laugh along. He is situated in his new room, formerly the living room of the apartment attached to their house. This apartment has it's own deck which we took him out on today. Beautiful breeze once it stopped raining. We got him a Father's Day cake and he had to have a slice pureed but he enjoyed it. All things considered, we had a nice day. He was pooped out and was in bed asleep by 7. He did spend some time with his youngest son and his two other sons wished him a Happy Father's Day over the phone. My sister and I had the priviledge of spending most of his waking day with him. My husband spent several of those hours with him, as did my son.
Well time for bed and hopefully a peaceful night's sleep. Thank you all who have prayed for Dad and for us. We had a memorable day, and it felt like such a gift.

D DAY (as in bringing Dad home day)

In one hour an ambulance will arrive at the rehab and take my father home. It will hopefully be his last ambulance ride. While the ramp was put on the house (actually the initial one was too steep and another contractor reworked it), the sidewalk has still not been poured. It's raining, rained most of the week which meant that was a no go.

When we told my father he was coming home today he seemed VERY unhappy. We asked him "Don't you WANT to come home?" This was all he talked about the first week there. He damanded we take him home immediately back then. "NO!" The social worker and medical staff tell us sometimes they get attached to where they are and do not want any change. My mother promised him if he is not content to be home, we will bring him back there. "OK." He refused to let me kiss him goodnight last night. He was mad. I asked him if we had gotten on his nerves (my mother, sister and I) "YES" and he affirmed that he wanted us to go home. It's really hard to have him be angry at times.
I will be going over there and seeing how he is doing about two o'clock. Wish me luck.

I was so much older then...I'm younger than that now

I remember a quote about children judging their parents and rarely forgiving them. My Dad will be coming home from the rehab on Saturday. The next day will be Father's Day and in all likelihood it will be his last. I used to be so scared of my father. He was a tall and large man. He had a short fuse and he yelled. I didn't live in the same house with him until I was in fifth grade. He was in the Navy and travelled all over while we stayed with my mother. Sometimes we were near Naval bases and others we would stay with my grandparents. When they built a house around the block from my grandparents on the outskirts of Washington, D.C. we were in our glory. We had my grandparents a short walk away and our own house. We moved in when I started kindergarten and lived there through my fourth grade year when we moved the following fall to N.J. It was heartbreaking for my grandparents. It would be the first time we would actually have my Dad around for more than just weekends. He landed a great job in New York and we just had to make the move. We bought a house twice the size of our old one and for the first time my parents actually had money. It felt strange. My father worked a lot of overtime at Mount Sinai Hospital. We adjusted although we were two hundred miles from the rest of our family. My Dad was from Louisiana and was an only child. We only saw his parents about half a dozen times during our childhood. They would never fly and the drive was too much. I was at their home twice in my life.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my childhood and adolescent years this week. When I was younger I was so proud of my father for coming from nothing and doing so well. He was intelligent but his deep Southern drawl was something kids made fun of. In high school kids would say "NAIL, can you rustle me up a tall glass of iced tea?" and laugh hysterical. Now, I see people look at my Dad with pity and sometimes an unpleasant look and I want to defend him. He is helpless. That breaks my heart. For Father's Day I want to do a cook out. My mother thinks it might be too much for him but I have it all worked out in my mind. I have come to realize this: you only get one father. He can never be perfect because none of us are. As you mature you know and see his faults. At some point you have to forgive in order to be at peace with yourself. At the point forgiveness comes, you find that you have peace. It's a wonderful thing.
(This is MY personal experience, I realize not everyone could or should forgive.)
For many years I hoped my Dad would ask for my forgiveness for certain things. He never did. It would have been so much easier to do it had he asked. He always favored his sons. I always knew that it would be his girls who would take care of him when/if the time came. His sons do help in other ways but they find it so difficult to see him like this that they can only take small portions of it.
It is a hard thing to go through. Somedays I wish I had a crystal ball. Heart failure is not something that can be measured by an xray. We live from day to day never knowing. Each day I wake up thinking what a gift it is. One more day of and I list all the things I enjoy. My job is stressful but I am very fond of some of my coworkers. I struggle at times to make the payment but I am thankful to have a nice, dependable vehicle to get to work and other places in. My pets drive me crazy at times but they give me affection at times I need it desperately.
I have wonderful, caring neighbors. My sister and I have forged a new relationship that has come out of this situation. It's stronger than before and I find that my friends don't really know what I am going through but she does.
So much good has come from this that I believe it is all part of the larger plan somehow.
I remember when I was 19 knowing I knew it all. I now know I know very little. Each day I learn a little more. I am more open minded now than every before.
We live, we learn, we grow.

Winding Up the Weekend

Weekends go by much too fast. I have accomplished so much though. Early this morning we were up and off to our local Wegmans. If you don't have one near you, you cannot imagine all that they have to offer. We got fresh corn that was like it was just picked amongst other fresh things. After our order was packed into our trunk we went to Starbucks and used a card that was given at Christmas. We had delicious breakfast sandwiches. Quick trip home to unload the car and I was off to my mother's. My sister and I emptied out my mother's huge freezer downstairs and the two freezers (part of refrigerators) upstairs. What a job. We threw out two huge garbage bags of old food! My father kept buying food like there was still a household of 7 and not 2. There were some four huge packages of hamburgers that were in there two years. Things were never rotated and since they ate out so much they just sat in there. We managed to completely organize what was left and we cooked a few meals and even some pie that was on the cusp of being outdated. My mother came home to a huge pot of sausage and peppers, a fresh baked apple pie and a pot roast in gravy. She won't have to worry about meals for this week. My sister will be returning Thursday and staying for a week. The difficult part was me hauling this huge amount of frozen food upstairs (in large coolers) then transporting it to my car trunk, then to a dumpster where it was unloaded. I cannot lift more than twenty or so pounds at a time and it was a chore. I also cleaned out my mother's kitchen cabinets and organized them. Her kitchen looks like a model home. We'll see how long this lasts. When the kitchen chores were done I went over to the nursing home to see my father. Rob called to tell me our house phone was dead and not working. My father wanted his dog to visit so Rob brought her over. He quickly lost interest and we had to take the dog away. He gets frustrated that the dog doesn't seem happy just to gaze upon him. The dog is easily distracted by any other people in the area. After a visit I headed home and called the phone company. They kind of talked me through testing the outside box. We have FIOS and there are jacks you plug the phone into. If it works the problem is inside not outside. That jack did work so then we had to systematically try each phone and now all seems alright. I made some thick pork chops and fresh corn I had picked up at Wegmans. Also made some delicious freshly made mozzarella topped with fresh tomatoes and fresh basil. Over this you drizzle olive oil that has had garlic added to it. Yummy. A wonderful warm weather delight. Rob cleaned the kitchen and we watched a little tv. Now it's time for bed. It was a quick but very productive weekend. We have the company selected who will provide the caregivers. The ramp has been rebuilt and hopefully this week the new sidewalk will be poured. Things are prepared. Don't know how much longer Dad will be with us but things have been done to make this time as easy as possible for all involved. My mother is scared about bringing him home. We have assured her (my sister and I) that if she cannot handle it, we will find another way. Her home is cleaner and more organized than ever before and I am hoping that will give her spirits a big boost.

Soggy Saturdays make me sleepy

Yesterday I had a very interesting visit with my Dad. My son was there when I arrived and was happy to see him doing some puzzles (childish wooden ones).He was very insistent he do what he wanted last night and let me know it. When I tried to wheel him back towards the building, he stomped his foot and placed it so I couldn't move his wheelchair and let out a boisterous "NO!" I was so happy that I actually bent down and basically told him he was doing great by letting his thoughts be known. He then tried to speak and I guessed at some garbled noises and when I got the right answers he was thrilled. Here is the really funny part. He said rather clearly "Talk to me" and I said "Okay Dad, what do you want to talk about?" Again clearly "tennis". This kind of through me as we have never discussed tennis before and with the small vocabulary he has I was stunned he would say that word. "What about tennis?" "Lessons" this is when it took every ounce of self control I had not to laugh hysterically because he looked serious. "Hmmm Dad have you ever played tennis?" A grin and he said "Maybe." Oh. "Well Dad not sure what else there is to talk about with tennis other than my friend Debbie plays it nearly daily." Again "Lessons". I then reluctantly asked if he might be thinking of taking tennis lessons. "Maybe." I then tried to talk about something else and he later said "tennis lessons". Okay.
You gotta laugh and sometimes I laugh and cry at the same time. So did my mother when I relayed our conversation.
Today Rob went to work. Since he had only worked two days this week he decided it would be good to pick up an extra day. My sister, my Mom and I interviewed agencies that send in visiting nurses and healthcare people. It was draining to go over all that has happened. My sister helped her take down the levolor blinds and clean them, wash the windows and wash and rehang the valances. The house is getting spruce up and we have to bring him home by June 20th. That is the same day of my nephew Ryan's graduation party. His party is at 5 so it will be rough to make it. I am thinking maybe I'll stay with my Dad and let my mother go. My sister will be here then too.
Don't know why I am so tired except for one reason: the rainy weather. Nearly all week we have had rain. I want some beautiful sunshine. Hope we get it for tomorrow. If so I plan to redo my last Sunday schedule: early walk, visit Dad then take it easy.
In the midst of what sometimes feels like chaos, I feel a strange peace.

Almost Time for Bed

I like to be in bed by ten p.m. cause I am old and grumpy. No, seriously I am worn out by then. Now being woken up even earlier when someone leaves for work. YES, WORK! First day at the new job went very well. They actually decided to give him more money than the original offer. Still, less than he was making but hey we were really happy about that. He seemed to like the people and new environment.
Today I was leaving the cafeteria and someone yells "Hey McLoving" and I turn around like "HUH?" and this guy is standing there with a strange look on his face. Someone I don't know. I ask him who he is calling and he points to some pardon me, geeky looking guy. He says he looks like a character in the movie called McLovin'. I tell him my last name begins with McL and I thought he was talking to me and we both cracked up and so did the geeky looking guy. For a minute I thought I still had it. Well, to be honest, I figured it was some smart ass that I know trying to be funny. Now it's time for bed and some sweet McDreams.

off to work...........

HI ho........hi ho........it's off to work I go...
:::::whistling:::::::
hi ho...hi ho.

Sunday Pleasures

*My father in Feb 08....before his stroke
this is HIS recliner...only he sits in it. (The table next to it hides his snacks.)
Is is covered in a zebra striped blanket that is now on his rehab bed.
Thankfully it is not REAL zebra! A man and his dog.

Today is Sunday. Oh how I love Sundays. I woke up at 6 a.m. and wanted to go back to sleep. A panting Sheltie named Duffy made that impossible. Thinking would it be cruel to shave a dog that looks like a Collie just for the summer so I can sleep in on weekends? I'll get back to that. I jumped downstairs and had my first cup of coffee. I then ran upstairs and logged into Yoville. For any of you who are not on Yoville if you have a Facebook page you can make a Yoville character. On my blog is an email link. Shoot me an email and I will explain how to do it if you are interested. I can always use another member for my Yoville crew at the factory. Thing is you get coins for clocking in at the factory and then you shop and decorate. What could be more fun? If only REAL life were this simple. But I digress.....after getting dressed I went for a really long walk. I have needed to start walking again lately. I have been tired, stressed etc. but today I used some self discipline and just did it. I came home and made myself a breakfast sandwich of turkey bacon, eggbeaters and fresh tomato. Yumm. I then jumped in the car and arrived at the rehab/nursing home before 8:30 for a two hour visit with my Dad. He was sitting at a table sleeping when I walked in with his breakfast tray untouched. I woke him up and watched as he ate. Afterwards I asked if he wanted a tour of the grounds and he said "yes" so I pushed his wheelchair outdoors to the lovely grounds. He seemed very pleased and then he began to use words he had not said in several weeks. I was overjoyed. At one point I actually began to cry. He said "your car". Yes, I came here in my car. Then he pointed to himself and said "your car." "You want to go in my car?" I asked . "YES." I explained that his house is being fitted with a handicapped ramp, a widened sidewalk and the carpeting was removed and Pergo installed for him to get around easily in the wheelchair. He began to talk about things he kept stressing "IMPORTANT...listen". Much of what he said was not understandable but when I asked later where I should push him he said "the car....ROAD". He was much more alert and responsive and it was a great visit. I left there and stopped at CVS, practically next door and purchased things that had been on a list for about a month (hair dye, nail files, shaving cream etc.) I then ran into the grocery store and picked up some items. I arrived home and it was only 11:30. I felt like I had already accomplished a day's worth and I was feeling good. I then treated myself to a pedicure. After that I came home and have been relaxing on the computer. Today, life is really good. It's been the best day I have had in a long time.


My husband starts a new job on Wednesday. He will get benefits immediately which means I will be able to take him off mine, which while good, are a bit expensive. Since I am paying back the bens I had while out on disability that will really help. Things are starting to look good. My yard is freshly mowed. I am defrosting thick burgers for the grill and also making fresh corn on the cob. I still have several hours left of my weekend and I am reading a good book I will have time to read some more in. It's MERCY by Jodi Picoult. Maybe some of you have read it.


Today I feel grateful. For a new job for Rob, for freshly manicured feet with bright summer pink polish, for my own home and yard and for some quality time with my Dad. At CVS I looked at Father's Day cards and I began to cry.


I am hoping he will be with us that day, I believe that he will right now. At this point I have to be happy for moments and I am.
OH! Yesterday I called my grandmother (remember she is 96 and has advanced breast cancer which has now spread) she was singing. YES singing! She was telling me she was thinking about what a wonderful life she has lead. She will soon see her maker and she is happy to be with her loved ones who are waiting for her. She insisted I sing with her. Have you ever tried to sing while crying? I was overjoyed that with all she is facing (and with my mother not being able to go be with her) she was enjoying herself. She told me never to be discouraged because there is a silver lining to every cloud. She inspired ME. What a gift she has, unconditional love and support for her family, no matter what. Am I blessed.

My Saturday Mantra: Serenity Now!

It has been a long and difficult week. The social worker at the rehab feels that my sister and I should bring my mother to certain realizations that my mother cannot, or refuses, to face. My aunt has said that I should not be put in this situation. At this point when I told my mother she got furious and hung up on me, that was Thursday night and I have not heard from her since. I have spoken with two of my brothers who have basically said to let her do what she wants. They point out it is her decision. Yes, it is and I know that but if she does not comply without the social worker's suggestions she is going to alert authorities and there will be more complications to deal with. My mother has never made important decisions, my father always made them. I pointed that out to him the last time they redid their wills that she had never handled money. I am convinced he thought he would outlive her and that he would never be at the mercy of her making decisions like this for him. I don't want to keep beating this subject to death. Unfortunately, it is at the forefront of my thoughts.
As though that were not enough, took my car to the dealer for an oil change. Once there they advised me that my water pump in my 2 year old car was leaking. It is covered under warranty but now my car will be in the shop all morning and that meant a ride home and a ride back to get it. I know I should probably be grateful it's under warranty.

A few entries ago I stated that I was only allowed four absences a year.at work. YES, that is for everything except; grievance days approved, emergency room care or previously approved days off. For someone like me with health issues, that is going to be very tough. The previous policy was a day off per MONTH. If you have a doctor's note three consecutive days off for one illness would count as one. I find if I am not sick enough to stay in bed all day then I am going to work. I have gone with a bad headache, stomach ache or intestinal distress. On Friday a coworker told me he had gone to a doctor Thursday night and tested positive for strep. You are contagious for 24 hours when first on antibiotics but he wasn't willing to take the day off. (I was probably exposed the previous day as well come to think of it. ) I am praying I don't get it. Policies that are so rigid often mean people who are sick are at work getting coworkers sick. I cannot afford to be sick.
I have plenty to do today. There is always so much to do on weekends. I am committed to finding time for myself. Something I have not done in far too long. I am on overload and I need to have some time to read and relax. Wish me luck.

Is the day half off or half full?

Today was one of those days we were offered to leave early without pay. Since I have not done that in two weeks I decided to work half a day. Things were going peachy when I learned that the company will be deducting my benefit premiums from when I was out on disability for two months. I had actually had about three hundred deducted from my last check going out and first check back. I still owe nearly six hundred dollars. I didn't know I would owe this and had to decide how much I could spare from each check. It really surprised me but what can I do but have my paycheck lowered for the next six months. My husband was offered a job, not a temp job, but a permanent job by a growing company. He gets benefits immeditely which means I can remove him from mine and probably save money there.
I took advantage of the time off to get my blood test which was a few weeks overdue. Then I went to the rehab to see my father. He was really a mess. He had fed himself and his pants looked like modern art. He even had dried food on his nose! I cleaned him up and visited him for several hours. His dinner came and I let him feed himself while the social worker came to talk with me. Talk about an uncomfortable situation. My mother is insisting that we bring him home. In preparation for this, she has widened the sidewalk and installed a ramp going up the deck which leads into the apartment attached to her house. The main part of her house has four bedrooms but they are all upstairs. He will not be able to get through the apartment door into the main house but the apartment has it's own bathroom, spacey bedroom, living room, dining area and full kitchen. Today she had Pergo flooring installed in it so the wheelchair can move easily as the old carpet was very thick and quite worn. The social worker has told her that she needs someone there 24/7. My mother is in denial about how much care he is going to need. I could sleep there but I could not be woken up throughout the night and be able to go to work and function. Neither could my husband. My parents have the money but my mother is reluctant to commit to nurses or round the clock care. The social worker feels that my sister and I should be able to be the voice of reason with her. It's so difficult to try to tell a parent to do something when they are in denial.
Well a friend just called to chat (actually tell me HER problems). I am going to go now and then go on Yoville.

A Good May Evaluation

Yesterday I got my May evaluation and I had a great job. Excellent was the word I got. That made me so happy. I did have an episode where I had not eaten enough and my sugar plummetted. It was made worse by being stuck on a phone call making my break half an hour late. Unavoidable things like that happen.

When we got home our neighbors came over and we enjoying a few glasses of wine and exchanging some child rearing tips and stories. They have a teenager and things are going a bit rough. I am certainly happy not to have an adolescent now with all the things they can get themselves into trouble with. Her daughter is very mature looking and very attractive and this spells trouble for a Mom who had to remove some features from her girl's phone yesterday. She noticed her daughter was deleting sent messages and found a few pics she had taken of herself that were a bit much for someone young (or older for that matter.)

Well Monday is over. Everyone was in a great mood at work yesterday and I am hoping for more of the same today.
Mosquitoes here are horrible. My yard borders a "wetlands" woods and OMG. Last night we had to come in. Even spray would not deter them.
Somedays I feel like high school. My first thoughts in the morning are'"What should I wear today?" To think I thought when school ended it would never be a big deal again. HA!
Happy Tuesday. I am trying to think of something to be grateful for each day this month. On Sunday for the first time my father was able to use his LEFT hand (he was right handed but that arm barely moves) to feed himself. He did a great job! On top of that we sat at a table with some new residents at the rehab and this woman May told my mother how fortunate she was to have two such caring and attentive daughters. She said she thought my father had such wonderful support and received so much caring. That did my heart good. Not that I need to hear that but thinking that my father may be thinking the same thing OR hearing others say that. He did smile at me several times and when I kissed him goodbye he grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard.