Random Thoughts

Today is Sunday and I have to wonder why these weekend days pass so quickly. This week I have doctor appointments on Monday and Thursday so I will only be working half days on those days. It just seems that there is always so much to do on weekends. To be honest, I don't accomplish half of what I have planned because I so enjoy relaxing. When I was younger I could never relax unless my house was perfect and my laundry done and all of the other type A stuff that governed my actions. When I think back to having come home from the hospital at age 23 and upon discovering the horrible condition of my home (while I was having surgery) I nearly had a melt down. I got down on my knees and scrubbed my kitchen floor. That was after washing every utensil and plate in our home. This was a few days after having stitches removed from my abdomen. How sad is that? Very....I know that now. Being older and smarter I now know that this was the ONE thing I could control at the time. I certainly had no control over anything else then. Now I know that I have no control but if I am tired I lay down and take a nap. I also indulge in take out something I could not afford to do back then.
I accomplish enough and I do like order but when my head hits my pillow at night I conk out.

I recently learned that an elderly man got TOSd from AOL. This for sending emails out to a mass list (who he every few months emailed and said "let me know if you want to be removed from my list.") Apparently someone found his emails a tad risque'. I feel so badly for this poor man who lost his beloved wife last year. Although he has a daughter and grandchildren during the day he went into a chat room of what he thought were friends and who he loved to email.
It never fails to sadden me at the delight some people take in causing pain for others. I have never understood that kind of reaction. When someone hurts me just get me as far away from them as I can possibly be. There was a time in my life where it was hard to let go of people like that. A part of me felt that I would be able to enlighten them. Usually this did not happen and often when they grew tired of the game they simply moved on. Now that I am older and oh so wiser I make new friends a bit slower. I take them into my trust only after they have showed some actual integrity and it will take them years before they earn my trust and respect. One of my friends summed it up this way "In life we make many acquaintances but few actual friends. Most people do not learn this distinction until they have mistaken acquaintances for friends and learned the hard way."

"I will not play tug o war, I'd rather play hug o war where everyone hugs instead of tugs, where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug, where everyone kisses and everyone grins and everyone cuddles, and everyone wins." Shel Silverstein

Wishing Our Niece a Happy Birthday

Today is our dear niece Cassie's tenth birthday. It is her second birthday without her Mom who passed away from cancer on June 8, 2007 at just 34. We were there for her birthday last year and I gave her Kit, her American girl doll along with some things for Kit. It was a big day and we were happy to be there to share in it. This year we simply cannot be with her for a multitude of reasons. Her grandmother was on vacation last week and we had hoped she would take a few days and bring her for a visit but she didn't. It is so hard to not be a daily part of her life, in reality we are not much of a part of her life. Her Dad honored her Mom's request to let her continue to be raised by her grandmother. I worry at times that her grandmother who has a pacemaker and who is a breast cancer survivor perhaps bit off more than she can chew. She would never admit it of course. She doesn't understand the problems we have in getting away. I have a very neurotic dog and only my parents or one neighbor can handle him in our absence. The neighbor gets paid and my parents are away this week. In addition to that I am taking care of a minor health issue of my own. More on that at another time. Sometimes when we are sick and get better people forget that we are never the same. My stamina lately is troublesome.

I think stress pays a role in that. It is hard for me to work full time in a stressful situation. My every minute literally is accounted for when I am working. That alone can be stressful. In this recession I am happy to have a job.

I worry that my niece sounded sad tonight. It is so hard not to be able to hug her when her voice sounds like she needs a hug. The sad truth is that we are too far away to have any real input in her life. We have accepted that but it is not easy. I just have to hope and pray that the frequent letters and cards we send let her know that she is loved. I believe knowing you are loved can make a huge difference in someone's life.

Another quote for my book of favorites

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~~~ Rumi

Sunny Sunday

Today is Sunday. We had a very relaxing Saturday here and I got a lot of paperwork done. Went through my files and purged a lot of things. When I have other things in my life organized it makes everything go smoother. We played games on the computer, watched a movie and had a very layed back day which is just what I needed. It rained most of the day reminants of the hurricane and our lawn just soaked it up. Today is beautiful, sunny and about 83. I have been working on the journal pics and links along with the help of my patient husband. I wanted to post a picture that I bought from the wonderful person and artist, Judith HeartSong. If you click the picture it takes you to her website with her work. She takes the most beautiful photos and I who simply love flowers cannot see enough of them. I saw a movie several years ago and in it there was a speech about sunflowers. How they turned their heads towards the sun to soak up as much light as possible. It was inspirational and since then they have had special meaning to me. When I saw this painting I wanted it so badly. It hangs proudly in my living room and some day I hope to have more paintings by this artist. She also writes a journal about her travels and her volunteer experiences from the zoo. Never a dull moment!

I am experiencing another laid back day today. Might lounge outside a bit. I love watching the birds stop at the feeder and then the bird bath. For my birthday Rob bought me the most wonderful bird bath. If you click the link you can see one on their website. It's like a work of art and simply beautiful. It is made by a company "Burely Clay" who also had many other beautiful things at the garden center where I purchased the birdbath. And now a fitting quote

"And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play in your hair." ~~~Khalil Gibran

September 4...a meaningful day

Yesterday was September 4th. It has a lot of meaning for me. It has always been the birthday of my only aunt. (I had many great aunts but only one actual sibling to a parent.) She had always been important in my life. She is actually about the same age difference to my mother as me. My mother was an only child for many years. Growing up we lived in my grandmother's house for many years while my Dad was in the Navy and I always thought of my aunt as an older sister. She was very cool and still is a lot of fun.



September 4th is also the day my son was diagnosed with leukemia at age 16. It has been over a decade since the diagnosis but I still feel a bit shakey on that day. I remember so many details.

It was the day after Labor Day and I remember looking out the window of the hospital room seeing the children going to school for the first day. My son never got to attend one day of his junior year. His days that year consisted of heavy rounds of chemo. He had chemo for the next three and a half years after diagnosis. To this day when I see the school buses coming that first day my eyes well with tears. My son seems to be the picture of health, at least physically. I do feel he has some emotional problems and I think he has come to understand that as well. He is doing much better than he was.



Yesterday was also the anniversary of meeting my friend, Paula. Her son Danny was only 14 in the next hospital room and he had the worse type of leukemia. He fought so valiantly but even after surviving his bone marrow transplant at CHOP he lost the battle. We still think of him and ocassionally I visit his grave. Gone but never forgotten. I will never forget him having someone come to the hospital chapel to confirm him as a Catholic. We had a cake in the children's ward and it was very moving. I will never forget Paula telling me that it was so awkward when new people she met asked how many children she had. If she said four boys then she felt she had to explain that one was no longer living. How would they take their traditional Christmas morning photo with the four boys on four steps? Danny was next to the youngest and his illness had a heavy impact on his younger brother. Paula practically lived at the hospital (as did I) for those first few months. You were just too afraid that your child (adolescent) might need you and you wouldn't be there. All the while we were trying to support other parents whose children like ours going in and out of remission. (My son went into remission but went in very late. His prognosis was double high risk and his expected survival rate for 5 years was 30%.) He made it and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for getting us all through that difficult time.



Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment to have some skin tags removed. While there the doctor confirmed that I had a skin cancer on my back. He removed it for a biopsy and when he gets the results I will need the area excised. I do not look forward to that as I have had this done on my chest. I am hoping this is the same type I had earlier which caught early is no problem at all.

Well, time to go find an outfit and head off to work. Hope you have a great weekend!

Catching up on Rest

Today I had to stay home from work. I rarely do that but I was groggy from the meds and my pain was still there. Even though I took meds throughout the day at time the muscle spasms were really painful.

Took less of the muscle relaxer in the hopes I can make work tomorrow. Because I stayed home today I won't get paid for the Labor Day holiday and with losing today that is another day's pay lost (unless I use my time I have which is little.) We don't get time off approved without having it to use so sometimes people don't request pay for their sick days. I get 10 hours each MONTH for everything; sickness, vacation etc. That basically means by the time I use what I need for doctor visits, dental visits and sickness there is no time for vacation days.

Well time for bed. Please whisper a prayer that I can make it to work tomorrow.

Monday, Monday Can't Trust That Day..............

Does anyone remember the Mamas and Papas big hit with that song?
For the past several days I have been surviving with back pain. It all started last Thursday kind of out of the blue but I had felt some muscle tension in my back for awhile. Well, last night it overtook me and I knew I had to get medical attention today. My regular internist was closed so I had to find a medical walk in clinic. After paying my copay the doctor (his name was Ghandi) told me that he was afraid that it might be my heart. Oh please not this I thought. If I have a stubbed toe they suspect my heart is to blame. He did an EKG and admitted that there were no changes from the old one I brought with me. However the place I had the pain he felt was indicative of a possible heart problem. I knew what was coming and he sent me to the ER. Oh how I hate spending my paid holidays in the ER and this is the second one this year. LOVED the ER doctor though. Really. He immediately felt the huge knot in my back and said that although he thought I might be right we had to eliminate other possibilities. I was whisked off for xrays and of couse loved pointing out my wires and parts to the xray tech who is always taken aback.
These people were absolutely wonderful. All except for the ER nurse who stuck me FOUR times to get an iv going. Burned like a bee sting. Again and again and the final one was done with a tiny butterfly in a vein in my tiny hand. Again ouch. Tests showed that I was okay except for the back muscle spasms I was no having. I laid on my tiny ER bed for nearly six hours. Had a nice flat screen TV to watch and more importantly, my angel of mercy Rob was by my side. Even when the doctor said I MIGHT have a blood clot in my lung and my heart nearly stopped he just glanced at the monitors and told me things were fine. Have I mentioned his goatee has turned gray? Seriously all in the last year or so. Well, I am home now with pain meds and muscle relaxers. I hate pain meds, I really do. I have to be coherent at all times, or at least believe that I am. The doctor gave me a note to stay home from work for two days but I cannot possibly afford to do that. I just ran up another $130 plus in copays today. Although I am not happy to be in pain I thank my Heavenly Father that it was nothing serious. Hope your Labor Day was more enjoyable than mine although time spent with my baby is always good.

Happy Anniversary

Today is my sixth anniversary.

Happy Anniversary Rob and thank you.

Thank you for the times you held me as I cried. We have been through a lot together in our six years. Losing your Dad and later your baby sister, my heart surgery and struggling to pay bills on one salary for several years afterwards. Difficulties with friends, a move from one home to another and so much more. Through it all there was never one moment of doubt that you loved me. Although I shared my life with someone else for over twenty years I never felt the way you make me feel, secure and loved. I can never thank you enough for that or for restoring my faith that there are good people, trustworthy people in the world. While we give cards and sometimes gifts and mark the day by a nice dinner out in my heart I am grateful every day for the gift of your love.

You're the best.

In the words of the Stylistics

" You are everything and everything is you."

The best is yet to come baby.

More Changes

This week I went over to see my neighbor Shirley, who is organizing a surprise brunch this morning for her parents' 50th anniversary. When I saw her I was in awe of her beautifu new haircut. She informed me that it was a special day first haircut half price with a new operator. I have not had my hair that short in so many years but it was so pretty I decided to give it a whirl.
I had gone to this particular salon many years ago but stopped going because their prices were high. What I discovered was some things are worth it. My hair has not had a good cut or color since I have changed and to be honest, the cheaper salons start out cheap but raise their prices to the point I am now paying the same as I was. Difference is the quality of the hair color and cut I have been receiving. I went and met Michelle who was a real sweetheart and she spent no less than an entire hour cutting my hair. After covering the gray I hope to get a good picture of it to post. I have never received so many compliments on a hair cut. Even men have stopped me to remark how good it looks, which is rare for me.

I have been feeling so much better lately and enjoying that immensely. Not only did I get my work hours changed to the best shift 9-5:30 but the past few weeks call volume has been slow and I had the opportunity to take one day each week off. Of course this is "volunteer" and I do not get paid and my check was down significantly BUT that extra time combined with my new shift has me feeling ever so much better. I think that the extra time off will end this week but it has done me a world of good. The attrition rate where I work is so high. This week I said goodbye to another two coworkers. Still I am with some people who started the same day that I did. On October 22 less than two months away I will have been here a year. My job is not an easy one but this is the best pay I have ever received, the medical benefits are great, the workplace is nice and the cafeteria is "world class". I am hoping to be there for a time longer. Especially while making my car payments.

Did everyone see Obama's speech? It has been YEARS since I watched a political speech with such interest. I enjoyed it and across the screen they were saying it was the anniversary of Martin Luther King's speech. How appropriate. I kept thinking "Dr. King, if only you could see this tonight. You dreamt where a person would not be judged by the color of their skin and tonight this man is being judged on the content of his character. Your dream, at least in part, has come true." An African American being nominated for President. Wow. I really love Michelle Obama, what a classy, intelligent and attractive lady. We got into a discussion at work. A young black man said he would not vote for Obama because he was "pro abortion". I told him he was pro choice NOT pro abortion, there is a distinction to be made. I told him that most people are ignorant about abortion. Look what happened during prohibition. You can outlaw it but there will be people who will have illegal abortions and perahaps die as a result. People try to simplify the issues. Although I could personally never have an abortion, I cannot make that choice for someone else. Until I am ready to raise the child for the person who feels they cannot, I don't feel it's my choice to make. Having said that, I find it morally reprehensible to use abortion as a form of birth control. I'm sorry but I don't think anyone who has the wealth of McCain or Bush can understand what it is like for me, struggling to pay bills. They cannot imagine what it's like to make a decision to fill a necessary prescription or put gas in their car. I have had to make those decisions in the last few years. I refuse to vote on ONE issue. I want the government to have people who truly care about it's citizens. I want our country to have nationalized health care. I understand that there are issues with it but everyone deserves medical attention when they need it. With my job I spend about $170 most months for medical. I then spend hundreds more on doctor visit copays, prescription copays or emergency room copays. At least 30% of my salary is going for medical costs. The rest is going for ever rising utilites, food and gas. In the past year my costs for those things have gone up so much my raise couldn't come near keeping pace.
In the meantime the executives of those companies received outrageous bonuses. Even my wealthier friends are saying how much things have gone up. Right now I have two friends who will no doubt lose their homes in the next six months unless they find someone to bail them out.
I think we need a big change in this country and I am going to do my small part to effect it.

Kicking Back a Bit

This week I was fortunate to get Friday off work. When workload is light some of us are allowed to take the day off, unpaid of course. I jumped at the chance. (Dismissing thoughts of new couch which had been ordered but not yet paid for, or car repairs being done on Monday). My friend and her husband came about four p.m. on Friday. They said they were staying for the whole weekend but ended up leaving on Saturday. My friend is usually able to drink and hold her liquor. Not sure why but Friday night after a few margaritas she was not feeling well. She tossed her cookies several times and once there was a mess to clean up in my guest room. Her husband was now glued to the tv watching the olympics so that job fell to me. Ugh. She did come with dinner in hand, chicken breasts for the grill, tomatoes from her garden which were delicious and even cheesecake for dessert. Did I mention Patron tequilla? Whew.
On Saturday she woke up at 6:30 and went downstairs for a snack. That of course set my dog wanting to be investigate and we were woken up. My house is a difficult house to entertain in.
There is no family room or den, just a small living room with the tv in it. When a guest takes the remote and puts on what they want there is no other place for others to have quiet unless they go outside. The kitchen has a partial wall and is completely open to the living room so you cannot really have a conversation there when the tv is loud. I am not a fan of sports on tv and I found myself doing things like laundry to avoid that room. Later we did go out for a nice lunch and popped into a few stores. Got some nice soaps for sale. I also splurged on some "hotel quality"....make that 5 star hotel quality sheets. Over the past few years I have had the worst sheets. I have a thick mattress and some don't accomodate that. These have deep pockets and I just put them on the bed. Tonight I shall luxuriate on cotton sateen sheets with a very high thread count. On yes, life is good. I am enjoying a quiet Sunday at home and tonight the luxury of cotton sateen. Does it get better than this? :)

Just another brick in the wall

Somedays are so repetitious that I want to scream. Then come the weekends and I fantasize about what will happen and it is very far from the reality of what does happen. The dog wakes us up by 7 a.m. For the life of me I don't know how anyone else is able to sleep late who has a pet but Duffy breathes heavy and whines. By the time I get up and go downstairs to let him outside I am now fully awake. I never can get a nap because later in the day the neighborhood kids are out there making a ton of noise. This neighborhood has the most kids I have ever seen. Note to self never buy another house in the winter months when you can't judge this. I am more and more thinking my next purchase will be in an adult community. Not that I dislike children but at my stage of life when I don't have little ones the noise is distracting from my senior activities such as reading books or gardening. Neighbors drop by which causes Duffy the Lunatic to swing into action. He barks and growls and then said neighbors rarely want to come inside. This defeats the purpose of them coming I think.

I received a disturbing email this week from a family member (sort of). In it they accused me of not appreciating my husband followed by another offensive remark. I appreciate my husband immensely. People are so quick to judge others. They have no idea what it's like to work a stressful job and rush home and then deal with dinner on the table, greeting the pets, having someone at the door and their phone call. I need a bit of downtime and sometimes my darling who has been home two hours already loses sight of that. He tries to make my arrival a welcoming time but sometimes one just needs to slither into the comfy chair and regroup.
(Author of email frequently refers to hubby's childhood home as his home. His home (by his choice) has been here in NJ with me the last eight years and he has emphasized this many times with this being ignored.)

I have ordered a sofa which is not beautiful as my last new sofa I ordered was. This was chosen for comfort and quality. I am hoping we will really enjoy it. We picked a fabric and it will be another two months before we can take delivery. It is hard when you are also working around other items in the room colorwise. My chair and a half is gold, eggplant and a brownish/green and the sofa will be a brownish gold quality fabric. I would rather buy something once of quality than replace several inexpensive items over and over.

I am tired and heading to the shower. Trying to get my mind ready to return to work after a three day weekend this week. Next weekend we are having houseguests, my friend and her husband. They are bringing plants and going to do some gardening work for me that I have not been able to do. Looking forward to that. There are just not enough visits with friends these days.

Doing the Right Thing

Today I did something I never expected I would have done. I accompanied my ex spouse to a doctor for a visit. He began having memory difficulties twenty years ago after what was probably a partial complex seizure. Since then his short term memory has been problematic.
He also began having some violent outbursts shortly afterwards. When he has seen doctors he has not been able to relate the things that he cannot remember. I offered to go and fill that in for him at his new neurologist today and I did.

What is interesting is the feedback I have received from others. Some praised me for being so kind to someone who in the past didn't show me much kindness. Others said I should have named a price to do this for him and guaranteed I would get something back out of it. That is just not me. I did mention to him today that as part of my divorce settlement I was getting his life insurance. When he retires in two days the value of what it was at my divorce will be reduced by 90%. He never told the lawyer that the policy would drop to that when he retired. Several years ago I would have come completely unhinged by this. Today I am a mellower person. I brought this to his attention and I am hoping he may do something to compensate me for this, if not then so be it. I cannot give him the power to make my life miserable. I won't do that to myself.

I am so tired. Although I love having an extra day off of work the ten and a half hour days are so long and tiring. I would prefer a five day week instead. Going to see if I can get something done about that.
Time for bed and hopefully a good night's sleep.

WF

For the first time in my life. I am a minority in the workplace. When most people think of a minority they think of race. There are many factors which can apply to being in the minority.

I am a middle aged employee. It hurts to even say or write it. In the workplace there are so many people in their twenties or thirties. There are about half a dozen of us who are fiftyish.

The younger of the employees have been going to movies, out to dinner, for drinks and even organizing social activities. I am in the minority also by being married. Most are single or divorced. After working ten hour days (which means I am gone from my home for twelve hours) I come home, usually express gratitude for something my loving spouse and caretaker has prepared for me to consume, try to veg out in front of the TV and prop my feet up for two hours before falling into my bed and slipping into a comalike state. (Oddly enough I wake about 4 a.m. the next day and often cannot go back to sleep.) The next day I listen with sheer amazement to how these youthful coworkers went out to dinner, had drinks and went to a club to dance while I slept. I still seem to be more tired than they are. Having said that, I am not sitting there consuming several Red Bulls as they do. I have ONE caffeinated coffee and a soft drink at lunch time. Some of these people make towers with their empty cans. I have to wonder if they were forced to stop this habit if they would crash and burn.

I work with a melting pot of people. I enjoy that. We are a company of diversity. I find it fascinating to talk to people from India about the ashrams and other aspects of their religion.

I have been in conversations where I was the only white person and the conversation was about discrimination and I was told that because of my complexion I would never be the victim of that. I was the minority for the moment and for the first time in my life I realized what that felt like.

Life is so interesting. Even though there are times where I am a bit uncomfortable I am still learning. I am getting to know the most wonderful woman in her late fifties. She is very wise and I am the recipient of many of her insights. I hope I never stop learning.

This weekend I get to spend time with my grandmother. She will be turning 96 this Tuesday and I get to spend that special day with her. I was realizing the other day what a young grandmother she was. I was born when she was just 42. I was 12 when she was my age now. She has enriched my life in so many ways. She looks fabulous for her age and I have more gray hair (underneath the dye) than she does. I have seen her mellow with age. She doesn't feel that divorce is the end of the world as she once did. She actually deffended me to a minister. She accepts the interracial couples in our family and often comments about the beauty of the babies.

She has seen so much. She buried her parents, seven siblings and her husband. She has lived a rich life and her own mother lived to be 97. She can still drive if necessary and she still gardens and scrubs her kitchen floor from time to time on her knees. You know, they just don't make 'em like that anymore. I hope to have her for a few more years. In her words "God willing".

Ten hours to the weekend

My ten hour days are longggggggggggggggggg. Although I love having my Tuesdays off the four days I work are really difficult at times. This week we had a lot of system issues which caused me to make a mistake. That gave me stress. Thankfully my boss took care of it for me and knowing someone has your back and is working for you really helps.

My birthday was Tuesday. I was sick with a sinus infection. Really knocked me for a loop.
My three brothers called to wish me a happy birthday and my sister. That is rare. We had planned to do dinner and a movie but I wasn't up for it. Another day. I did get my cake and it was lovely and ever so delicious. The following day my neighbor showed up with a gift as I was opening a box which arrived earlier in the day. My mother-in-law sent me a generous gift of cosmo supplies, a fabulous hand painted martini glass and even some snacks. Guess what yours truly will be sipping this weekend? My niece is coming to visit my parents with her baby, Harrison. He is a cutie only a few months old. Seeing him will be a treat. Hoping I can find a few minutes to pick him up something.

My yard looks so beautiful. Our shrubs are covered in white or pink flowers. My rose of sharons are covered in huge blooms, my Princess Diana rose bush has the most gorgeous blooms and even the side has huge day lily blooms. For my birthday I selected a beautiful clay bird bath. It's truly a work of art, will try to get some pics of it. How I love nature. Yesterday at work a wonderful gentle soul from India was praying. He told me that each morning they must praise the sun to get good luck for the day. Interesting. Someday I hope to be able to go to an ashram to enjoy the meditation. In the meantime my heart does give thanks for the beauty of my own tiny yard and the creatures that share it with me.

Happy 4th of July weekend

I truly enjoyed seeing my bff at her daughter's wedding. Whew it was hot in Philadelphia last weekend as we took a trolley tour of the city in a bus with no a.c. The bride was lovely wearing a gown she designed. The bride wore hot pink satin shows that were so pretty and her bridesmaid gowns matched. The flowers were hot pink for the most part and so beautifully done by the bride's Aunt Suzanne who flew in from Germany with her son Zach for the wedding. Sue worked so hard for days getting things just so. There were no paper mache containers but lovely glass held the lovingly placed blooms. No one type of flower but everything imaginable from roses to hydrangae blooms. The cocktail hour and reception were held at the Seaport Museum. While we dined we overlooked water. Of course we enjoyed ourselves dancing and the wedding cake was served surrounded by the most wonderful summer berries; strawberries, raspberries and blueberries. When the reception ended we journeyed back to the hotel and sat shooting the breeze for a couple more hours. The next day we had brunch then made our way home. It's nice to get away and it was a lovely weekend. It is so good to sleep in your own bed though!

Yesterday I woke up feeling achey with intestinal distress. I just hung out on my sofa watching a Law & Order marathon. Low key. We didn't even fire up the grill. Today my sister arrives from New York for a few days. Guess we will have some kind of dinner with her at my parents later.
I remember being a kid and just loving the fireworks. I remember the joys of sitting on the steps of the house I grew up at having ice cream and having friends drop by. It doesn't have the same feeling anymore. I am just glad to have a paid holiday from work. I have been really tired the past two weeks. The doctor did my blood tests and everything is okay except for my "blood thinner" that needs increasing. Hoping that will have me feeling better soon. Now time to get the day started! Perhaps a little shopping sometime this weekend.

Thoughts on Friendship

Today I am getting ready to leave to attend the wedding of my best friend's daughter. I remember the day the lovely Elizabeth was born. Her Mom had a son and was so hoping for a daughter. She called me the minute she was born, from the delivery room! She was overjoyed. She had just moved into her first house after having had a condo when her son was born. I was there to help her move, she was eight months pregnant and wasn't able to do much more than supervise. We met when we were ten years old and we are now fiftyish. Forty years of friendship. We have had a falling out along the way. I was very hurt over a letter she sent me when angry. She asked me to forgive her before the letter arrived but it took me years to get over what was said. Looking back it wasn't so bad. It's just that the letter arrived shortly before my son was diagnosed with leukemia. She called him in the hospital and offered to come be there with us. I wasn't ready at that time. When I was ready and called her she was there within hours. We have been through so very much together. I have been at two of her weddings and she two for me. We have been through pregnancies, births, moves and deaths of loved ones. We are going through menopause together after years of getting our periods on the same day! Her friendship is a sheltering tree. People say we are so much alike.She is tall and thin and I am short and heavy. We share a rich history. Noone gets me like she does. The private jokes go back for decades. Damn, I am so lucky and today I get to go and share in one of her special days again.
What really put me over the top was when she called last week and we were talking. Her daughter was discussing the seating arrangements and she asked where I would be sitting. Her daughter responded that I would be sitting with the family because I am the same as their biological family. I was so touched. Her daughter has decided to use the name Elle instead of her full name. That makes our connection even stronger. Today is a special day for a young lady who is family to me and I feel honored to be sharing it with her other family. Today once again I will be sharing the life of my friend who has become my sister of the heart. It feels so good.
Thank y0u Deb for being a part of my life. I am hoping there are many more memories yet to be made. Love you girlfriend.

Just a brief update

The past few weeks have been so hectic. At work they keep changing things and that is stressful. You are always monitored for quality and when things keep changing that can be difficult. Still, I am so grateful to have a job with good benefits and a steady paycheck, especially in this economy.

This past weekend we learned my father, who was vacationing at his home in upstate New York had a medical crisis. He had three seizures (in which he bit his tongue badly) and was not coherent for over a day afterwards. They rushed him to the local hospital where he was put in ICU. That was fortunate since his heart actually stopped during his first hour there. My one brother lives locally with his wife and grown daughter and my youngest brother happened to be there with them along with his wife. They told me not to come and I kept in touch constantly on the phone. Early Monday morning I spoke with my mother who said they had found something on his lung. Since the tumor removed from his liver was cancer the doctor felt this was another tumor related to that one. On Monday I walked into work and told my boss what was happening. He immediately told me to go be with my father and not to worry about leaving. I immediately called Rob and he left his job and we drove the 268 miles to the hospital. When we arrived he was still in ICU but seemed in much better shape than I had anticipated. By the following day he had improved so much that he was taken out of ICU and put in the regular section of the hospital. The spot on his lung turned out to be pneumonia. His potassium was completely gone as a result of ten days of chronic diarrhea caused by a medicine a doctor had put him on for Krohn's disease. He also had a bad infection. Antibiotics, many bags of IV potassium and stopping the medicine worked wonders.

While up there we got to see Seneca Lake and my older brother's home for the first time. I was sorry I didn't have my camera with me. We drove home late Tuesday evening and I was back at work on Wednesday. My father continues to improve. What an amazing recovery.

This weekend we are off to Philadelphia to take part in my best friend's daughters wedding. I am excited. The downside of going away is always leaving the pets. Our dog is very shy and doesn't like other people coming here and us leaving. While we were in New York my sister-in-law took care of him. We have a neighbor who will be taking care of him over the weekend for us. I love this dog but it makes it so difficult for us to go away and sometimes I envy people who have the freedom of just packing a bag and going. I am going to try to find a kennel for him.

Well time to get ready for work. I am leaving early today so I can get my nails done for the wedding. They look so bad. I also need to pack and frankly I am tired and want to make sure I go there rested. Hotel service, oh yes! I am overdue for a bit of pampering.

Hope your weekend is a good one!

It's a Balancing Act

I really enjoyed my four day long weekend last week...trouble is I tried to fit way too much in.
My m i l's birthday is today. Last Sunday we went shopping and I bought her a digital keychain that holds 60 photos. When we got home my husband and I went through dozens of pics and chose the ones to put onto it. We discovered the USB cable was missing from the box. No problem because we had one from a GPS that would work. Thing is, I realized that in order to charge the battery she would need the one that was supposed to be in the box. Monday we had to see my parents and were so tired from all the yardwork and house chores that we then fell asleep. When we woke up I said that I would go on Tuesday to get the missing cable. I have Tuesdays off now. It's a trade off for working four ten hour days. I went on Tuesday and got the missing cable but problem being, I got the box in the mail too late and she didn't have it for today. I feel guilty about that. We called and apologized twice but I really do feel badly, especially with this being her first birthday without her daughter (and the anniversary of her daughter's death is a week from today.) Tomorrow she will receive a nice box filled with gifts and a check. I hope it will give her a nice lift. It's really hard to remember everyone in a timely fashion. When I wasn't working full time it was a lot easier.

I am preparing for my best friend's daughter's wedding the end of the month. I had to find a nice dress, have the dress altered, upon trying on the dress, realized it need further alterations, and still don't know what shoes I will be wearing! I was fortunate to find a dress that I really like.
It is black but with a matte stripe also black running through the fabric. It is piped in a beautiful chartreuse satin piping and I found a Pashmina the same color to wear over it since it has thin staps and is a very summery dress. Perfect for dancing and having a grand time. I am looking forward to a get away. Haven't spent a night away from home since last year when we were in my mother-in-law's and it was a rough week then. We need a night of happiness even if it is costing us a lot with the gas and tolls and hotel fees and the clothes and the gift. It will be a joyous event with people who are like a second family to me.

My father is not doing too well. He is depressed. He went to his house at the foot of the mountains in upstate New York. He walked in the house and fell on his face receiving a few injuries. They only have cell phones they use when there and they turned off the ringer and can't figure out how to turn it back on. My father forgot HIS cell phone (all the people up there had his no. not my mother's) along with his briefcase with all his house papers in it. My mother didn't fare much better forgetting her suitcase and realizing she only had the clothes on her back. This is over five hours away from their home here. They are planning to return on Wednesday and he has a full calendar of medical visits then. It has been strange not to speak to them except for twice when they called this week. Week before last I called one afternoon and my father began to say things he had never said my entire life such as that he loved me and appreciated all the help I had given to my parents. This almost scared me. He says that he belongs in a nursing home. He begs my mother to sell their houses and move into something that won't require upkeep and be so costly. She clings to that house even though she admits it's too much for her to care for. It's almost as though that house represents life to her.

Work is a good distraction for me from these problems. Work creates stress in a different way but I love the company that I work for. There are many coworkers I am fond of. Each day new things come into play that keep me on my toes. Tomorrow there will be changes again and my boss who has been out for two weeks for the birth of a child will be returning. I look forward to that.

This past weekend I emptied out all my pantry (and the overflow pantry in the garage.) I checked dates on all the jars and cans and boxes. I threw out a huge bag of expired items.
I have been so busy with working that I haven't cooked much and I wanted to make sure there was nothing old that I might grab in a hurry. This was symbolic for me. I have regained control of my life. The things that have expired are gone and what is left is neatly arranged. I am comfortable in my marriage, my home, my job and even my neighborhood. When I think back to all that has happened in the last decade it's a lot. I am a stronger, more patient person than I was back then. It's a good feeling and I like where I am. It was worth the struggles that it took to get here.

This and That

Today is one of my days off. I always spend those days running errands in the morning and trying to get things done that I cannot during my four long work days. This third day off each week is like a gift. One day I hope to actually sleep in but that hasn't happened yet...this is only my third Tuesday off thus far.

I am preparing for a wedding I will be attending late June. This is the child of my childhood best friend who graduated from college last weekend. Actually, she received her master's last weekend in Washington, D.C.. The wedding will be a large affair in Philadelphia. I had to book a room, find a dress and am still working on preparations for my dog's care in my absence. I feel old that I could have a friend with a child this old. That friend is my age and her child is younger than mine.

I have been very concerned about one of my neighbors. She went through a divorce about seven years ago when her husband told her he wanted her to leave the home on his family's property. He gave her a nice settlement but her earning capacity was a fraction of his. She bought a small home and her salary would have been enough had she lived modestly. After nearly twenty years of living on his and her salary she didn't change her lifestyle. Now she has refinanced her home several times and will probably lose it. Her friends begged her to stop living so far above her means but I realized this was some type of emotional issue she had. She has been extremely generous to all who know her. She lent so much money to people she called friends who have no intention of paying her back. How sad. I have tried to caution her that in life we want to call so many acquaintances friends when they have not earned that priviledge. I have offered to help her try to regroup her finances but she doesn't want that. She wants some benefactor to bail her out. That will not happen. This past weekend with this present situation she chose to once again go to Atlantic City. That really made me sad but I had to accept that it is her life and she is in control. No one but she can turn it around and I doubt that she will. I don't know what will happen to her. While I want to help people I have made the choice that I must help those who are helping themselves. I don't have the emotional or financial means to throw around casually. What I find the saddest is that she takes no responsibility for this. It's her ex's fault and the friends who didn't pay her back. I think that if you haven't matured by forty it's probably not going to happen anytime soon. Sometimes people are their own worst enemies and there is just nothing you can do to help them.

My son's birthday and other weekend stuff

Picture my 95 yr old grandmother, my son Tom and myself

Today is my son's birthday. Actually I was in labor for 36 hours with him expecting him to be born on May 3rd my grandmother's anniversary. Instead he took his time and arrived at 3:47 p.m. on May 4th. He has my face but his coloring is not mine....while I have black hair and hazel eyes, he had strawberry blonde hair and the most beautiful blue eyes imaginable. He was long 22 inches and weighed 8 lbs. 3 1/2 ozs. His feet never fit into newborn size shoes. My son had a life of financial comfort but he was always self conscious. I fear being an only child failed to give him socialization skills that others had. He lived next door to a family of six who constantly told him that only children were selfish and spoiled. Ironically there were three only children (boys) on our street that were highly intelligent and better behaved than the six but I digress.......

when my son turned 16 he developed a bad case of chicken pox. Shortly afterward he was fatigued and running high fevers. He developed leukemia. Prognosis was poor, he was double risk and expectation for a high year survival was only 30%. For the next three and a half years I eat. slept and drank leukemia treatments. I took a chance and had him in a clinical trial for an agressive protocol which gave him a chance to survive. The complications were more severe but I knew that we had no match for a bone marrow transplant. His only real chance was a cure at that point. Although fear surrounded me I had to be brave and it paid off. He has now been cancer free for over ten years. His body is not what it once was. He struggles with anger at times and also depression. I feel they are finally lessening. He feels that people can sense that he is different. As a cancer survivor myself I know it takes a very long time to let go of the emotions that gave you strength when you needed it. I pray there will be a day where he can put his experience on the back burner and give that energy to things that will enhance his life.

My father is battling his emotions as well as his physical limitations. For someone who was as strong as a bull to have to sit on a shelf while trying to select a television, is difficult to watch.

We took him for a new tv yesterday and Rob was kind enough to put it together and get it all set for him. He is shrinking and smaller each time I see him. He always had a huge stomach and it's nearly gone. He has lost over fifty pounds at this point. He is so fragile. It's indescribable to watch. My mother has no empathy for him and is drowning in her own self pity. It's hard to be patient with her right now. I work long hours and sometimes have to take dinner there or there is none. They both need help and I am trying to work at getting a counsellor to go to their home and give them both support. I was the mediator yesterday and I spent hours and it was so draining for me. I have my own problems to deal with.

My husband's job site will be closing in December. He will stay on until then. This week they are sending him to Boston and he will be gone four days or so. During that time I will be working ten hour days and have to arrange for help with my dog being let out. I have an out of state wedding in Philadelphia to attend in June and need to be making plans for that as well. Somedays there are not enough hours in the day.

Today I am going to take a long, hot bubble bath before my baby boy arrives. We have a parve cake for him. Parve is a Jewish term for non dairy. Locally there is a good bakery here that offers parve cakes. Most Jewish people do not mix meat with dairy so this cake can be eaten with meat since it has no dairy. We are Catholic so why a Jewish cake you may wonder. My son has been a vegetarian for years and years. Now he has stoppped eating eggs as well. This cake has no eggs so he will be happy. Kids are so hard to please!

Today is a wonderful day. I celebrate not just the birth but the survival of my child. Life is good.

Praise be.

Peace and love and wishes for all that is good to you all.

"You have no birthday because you have always lived.; you were never born, and never will you die. You are not the child of the people you call mother and father, but their fellow adventurer on a bright journey to understand the things that are."

Richard Bach: There's No Such Place as Far Away

On my son's 21st birthday he found this book and bought it home from the library for me to read. He said that it always seemed like he and I were fellow travellers through life, learning many lessons together. So true. At some point your child becomes your friend (or not.)

Thank you to him for all the many things he taught me, mainly about forgiveness.

UPdates

It's been awhile since I have made an entry. Last weekend my sister came for a visit. We went shopping on Saturday afternoon. That was the first time I have spent any time with her in quite awhile. The rest of the weekend I had shopping to do and errands to run and began the latest Jodi Picoult book I purchased, Nineteen Minutes. It's really good and I have been slowly reading chapters here and there.

For the past few weeks I have been working the shift I love 9 to 5:30. I have one more week on that shift before we change to working a four day, ten hours per day week. I know it will be a difficult adjustment and I am not looking forward to it. I have worked ten hour days on days where I was required to work two hours overtime. They are long. Thing is with gas prices steadily rising I will be saving one round trip per week and the travel time and food expenses so it will have many advantages. Things at work have been going well. This week my ratings were excellent which means bonus money and it has now become a comfort zone and less stressful.

Spring is here. Flowers are blooming and our grass is filling in nicely. I love the crisp air in the mornings. It's that time of year where you are not sure what to wear. You can leave the house dressed too warmly and by afternoon be too hot or you can go dressed for summer and if the temperature suddenly drops you are cold. I am wearing some summer shoes these days and looking for other things that are less warm.

Well, I am tired and going to try to get back to sleep. Going to do some shopping tomorrow.
I purchased the most beautiful summer handbag. The flowers are handmade in leather and the colors are beautiful. Honestly, it's a work of art. Will try to post a picture.

The Long and Winding Road

It's been almost two weeks since I made my last post. My life is ever changing....every day brings change and I have had to learn to roll with the punches. Some of the punches are more like kicks in the arse but I'm still on my feet so it's all okay.

At work I was granted the priviledge of working the good shift, 9a.m. until 5:30 p.m. It's been so great and I have about three more weeks of that. Then, another change. We will be changing over to a four day work week, working ten hour days. I have some serious reservations whether I can make it through four consecutive days working such long hours but time will tell. My employer has graciously given me a raise of $2 an hour which comes out to $360 a month and several thousand dollars a year. There are so many things I love about this company. Innovative and cutting edge but always thinking of the needs of their employees. Our medical benefits are really great. On Monday when I found out the good and bad news I hurried home arriving at a great time of 6 p.m. looking forward to having a dinner during the work week with my S.O.

When I arrived home he seemed trouble and I asked what was wrong. That's when I got sucker punched in the belly. His employer (where he has worked for eight years) closed down the department he worked in that day. They told him they would keep him until the place actually closed down sometime in December of 2008. They will be giving him a severance package which will be okay but not enough to actually provide any security. Then his search for a new job will begin. I couldn't even eat dinner at that point. A few hours later when I had time to process this information, I realized that we would be okay. My medical benefits are vastly superior to his.

They did offer to locate him to Boston and he is from New England. I don't want to leave my job, our house or my son. If I were to lose my job between now and then it's something to be considered but for right now I am not inclined to want to do that.

My father has had one heck of a time finding an oncologist that accepts his insurance. He is retired military and he is not allowed to use Medicare, although he worked as many years for private business as he did for the Navy. It's kind of a dirty trick because their insurance is not taken by that many doctors. I think the government should let HIM chose what he wants to use since he made tens of thousands over the year towards Medicare. I don't want to get started on healthcare in this country but suffice it to say it leaves much to be desired.

This year I think I will have a lot of change in my life. I am hoping to make a career where I am now. The longer I am there the more I like it. I am getting a comfort zone there. Thing is the job is stressful and the turn over is high.

I have been watching American Idol and one of my favorites, Michael Johns got eliminated.

Thank God for DVR. I just love this thing. Last weekend it captured "The Red Violin" one of the best movies ever. Well, time to get some things done before I watch "Fractured" tonight.

Be well and remember that life is short, do what you want to do NOW.

Untitled

This past ten days have been so hectic. My father had an intestinal blockage and ended up in the hospital for surgery. We know he is in congestive heart failure and he seems to be weaker, little by little. They did an ultrasound and found that a spot on his liver observed a year ago was bigger. During the surgery the surgeon removed it stating it was "bigger than a golf ball and very ugly." We learned on Thursday that it was malignant and an oncologist was brought in. I was surprised at how hard my mother seemed to take that news. One day when we were discussing his heart she said "When he goes I will lose my fighting partner." They have always disagreed and fought over the years. When my father did try to be affectionate she pushed him away.
It seems strange now to see her being caring. He comments that she is too old to be caring for him.

My job has me working at least 42 hours a week. My work schedule coincides with hospital visiting hours. We were at the hospital several times last weekend but I didn't seem him during the week. He finally came home after spending several days in ICU, a few on the ventilator.
He is very weak and has a visiting nurse and a walker. The end seems to be in sight. I told my mother that he has had a long and good life. She says life is never long enough. I just keep thinking about my sister-in-law who died leaving a young child. My father has seen his children grown and their children, even the youngest grandchild just got his driver's license. He now has three great grandchildren. My mother seems frustrated when I point out to her that we all have to die one day. I don't know how she will handle it when the time comes.

I was trying to think of good things about my father and the one thing that came to mind was a pearl of wisdom he once gave me. We were discussing my ex husband. My father felt that he could provide me with financial security and that should be enough. I told him that just wouldn't cut it for me. During our conversation I told him that it was odd that supposedly the opposite of love was hate. I don't hate my ex or anyone else. My father pointed out the opposite of love is not hate but apathy. I then pointed out that my ex had never showed up in court for our divorce hearing. He had never once asked me NOT to divorce him. My father then admitted that he finally agreed that the ex no longer loved me. From then on he never tried to tell me I made the wrong decision. There was another bit of wisdom he gave me too.

This year it felt like we didnt have Easter. We were all on pins and needles and my father was in ICU on a respirator and not doing well. We went to church and there was no family gathering or dinner. Instead Rob and I went to a diner. For the first time ever there were no Easter decorations or baskets. I did manage to pick up a chocolate rabbit for my son. He just got that today. I think it was so hard telling him today that the tumor was cancer. When my son was diagnosed with leukemia my father promised him he would be alright. He went on a fast for seven days, a real fast and prayed during that time for his grandson. He promised him that he would live and he did. He told him that one day he would look back at the chemo and think of it as an inconvenience but a lesson in life. That came true.

So tonight I try to keep all things in perspective. The glass is not half empty or half full. It is what it is....four onces of water. I am a realist. I know far more about cancer than I wish I did.
I don't force the knowledge on other family members, I let them think whatever they want to be comforted. I know that time is limited and in the meantime I have to go through the days doing the best that I can. On Saturday I made my father's favorite dish that I make and took it over and had dinner. First real meal he had in about ten days. He was appreciative. The little things are what matter now. I have to do everything I want to NOW.

There's a lot of noise in my head.......

I have been so tired the past few weeks. I got the flu and it knocked my socks off. It started in my head and then after about a week when I felt the end was in sight moved into my chest where it is remained a thief of sleep and energy. I missed three days of work two weeks ago then managed to go in for two. My coworkers were not happy to see me. I felt somewhat guilty being there but the previous days were unpaid except for one. I got looks as I coughed. I assured them I was on antibiotics for over 72 hours and had no fever. I can be fired for missing too much work and my boss has been very understanding. The following week after coughing most of Sunday night I went back to the doctor and missed work last Monday. A prescription for cough syrup was about all I got...and reassurance that the flu could linger on another week or more. This was not what I hoped to hear. The cough syrup could only be taken when I did not need to be alert.
That meant at bedtime. I had to drag myself to work each day and endured asthmatic bronchitis while trying to asssist customers on the phone and devouring Halls and emptying box after box of tissues. Today I am still dragging a bit and yet I have so much to do. My taxes have not fully been assembled and I don't even know who will be doing them. I have a pile of clothes for the cleaners and errands to run tomorrow on my day off....after I attend mass at 9 a.m. I pray for healing. There are many things I want to do and it's hard to do any of them when I am still fatigued and actually sore from coughing. It does seem better today and I might try to run a few errands I was unable to do last weekend.
I hope none of you have caught this terrible bug. In the Northeast doctors say it has been a terrible flu season. To think I HAD the shot! Well, much to do including seeing that my cotton sweaters get properly laundered today.
Happy Sunday!

IF you want to see me performing the River Dance I'm the one with the longer black hair.
http://www.jibjab.com/sendables/view/7KSXrajfXEu1mUVSihJRSsFk

It's almost here.................

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!!!!!!

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2008

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Beware the Ides of March

I was so looking forward to March......last weekend I woke up very sick. I was out of work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday seeing a doctor on Tuesday as well as last Saturday. Despite the fact that I had my flu shot I got the flu and a sinus infection. It has now moved into my chest and I have the nagging cough that makes people give you "the look". Yesterday I finally made it into the grocery store for just essentials and that wore me out. Today we went out for lunch and then planned to go to get Rob jeans and then candles. Got the jeans and I rushed him out of the store and back home where I could curl up in the comfy chair and finish reading Eat, Pray, Love.
Very good book and I know I will reread it when my head is clearer. We had planned an elaborate dinner but I couldn't handle that either. I need a good week of chicken soup and foot massages and pampering. I am working full time though and that is not to be. We were supposed to get a raise that has not yet come through. I was relieved to learn that I will be working 8 hour Mondays instead of the ten hour Mondays I had been working for a few months. That will help.
I got my significant other sick....I warned him to retreat to the guest room but he wouldn't. Luckily for him it didn't hit him nearly as hard and he seems pretty much back to normal.
I am weary and ready to take my cough syrup and call it a night.
I am hoping to wake up tomorrow feeling better and I am getting bitten by the travel bug.
Once I get my bills paid off...............................
my last visit to the emergency room left me owing about $400 and that is WITH insurance.
Fortunately my own insurance has kicked in since then and no ER visit can cost me more than $100. I can rest a bit easier knowing that. Good night. Sleep tight.

Saturday..........again.............

The weeks fly by......when I'm working 45 hours a week. At least the weekends seem to come in rapid succession. Somedays the work days go by painfully slowly. Some minutes of taking phone calls from irate people seem to take forever. It's sad to me how volatile so many people are. I can understand anger and frustration but to say you want to physically hurt someone because they didn't give you information (information that the average person already knows) is to me incomprehensible. I won't go into any further details because I don't think I should discuss too much of my job outside of the place I work, but I am sadly disappointed in the behavior of many people. People who would put their minds and bodies at serious risk instead of calmly handling a situation which is easily resolved. I like to think that I am always learning new lessons about life. Perhaps this is yet another. What always comes to mind is that these people who have families must live with their out of control anger. Often as they calm down they begin to admit that they have exaggerated greatly.

For those of you in the blogging community who know Mary aka Alphawoman I received a great hand made card from her this week. She can always take me for a stroll down memory lane. It had the Fab Four on the front. I have so many wonderful memories associated with them. I remember the VERY first time I heard a Beatles song. I was in fourth grade and their hit here "I Want to Hold Your Hand" was hitting U.S. airwaves. I was at my first boy/girl party at a place called Cabin John and these kids, the Delroys had the album. They were playing it and I had my first kiss from a boy playing spin the bottle while hearing the entire album. On a warm summer day by the Chesapeake Bay (Broom's Island to be precise) I was visiting my grandmother's neighbor. My grandmother had a modest summer home there. This girl had the Sargeant Pepper album and I heard it for the fist time that day. This girl was a few years older than I and worldly by my standards. She demonstrated her make out techniques on a pillow for me. That day seemed so special to me that I can still recall the breeze blowing through her bedroom curtains from the bay. The smell of the bay and the fresh seafood that my grandmother had just brought in from her morning harvest. Not to know all the dangers of the world...a time before the Viet Nam War and AIDS. Love was free and easy then. A kinder, gentler time. I wish I could relive that day.........in a sense I can in my mind's eye. Thanks for bringing back those memories.

Love may not be all that you need but it certainly makes the ride worth taking.

Have a great weekend!!

Across the Universerse

Today I finally had the priviledge of watching the movie Across the Universe. It was wonderful and was like being in a time machine. Very thought and memory provoking. I am the next to the oldest of five children. Oldest is my brother Jimmy. During the turbulent Viet Nam war years I worried so that either he or my first serious beau would be drafted. By the time it was their actual time a draft lottery fell into effect and they were low on the list. I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. About eight years ago I came to know a man who served in Viet Nam. He confided a lot of things to me and I realized how deeply troubled he was. He told me that even then decades later the sound of fireworks would make him shake. This man was fortunate enough not to experience hand to hand combat but his wounds were deep and permanent. The Beatles music is so wonderful and evokes so many memories.

I love my weekends but they go by so very fast. I am working 45 hours each week. Five are mandatory overtime. I love the checks but I am weary and often times I am asking myself if this is too much for me. If I stay with this company as of March I will be getting a raise. It is nice to have money to do things but I hate being tired so much. I do have days that I can take off and I need to start planning ahead and doing that. I have made many new friends at this new company.

It is time for dinner once again. During the week I get home too late to have dinner with my husband. That means the weekends are the only times we have meals together. I would love to put my Martha Stewart apron on and present a gorgeous dinner but in all honesty, I am just too tired! I do have a pot roast defrosting for tomorrow but for tonight I think we will be going out again. It's like Anna Quindlen says "You can have it all but not at the same time." I have the financial squares covered but it leaves the domestic squares unchecked. At this stage of my life I know that's okay. For now I am doing what needs to be done. Today I chose to spend a few hours reading and a few hours watching a movie. Sometimes our minds need nurturing more than our bodies. That square had been left unchecked for far too long.

Enjoy the weekend.

Happy Birthday to you..............

Happy Birthday to you...............

Happy Birthday dear Rob

Happy Birthday to YOU!!!!

******Today is Rob's birthday and I committed to making it a birthday celebration weekend. Saturday morning started with a trip out for breakfast at a local cafe which was fabulous! Next we went to Best Buy and I purchased a flat screen TV for this wonderful man. This picture is eight years old but he really likes it so I used it for this tribute. I am happy to report he weighs twenty pounds more than he did in this picture I took of him at his cousin's apartment. The weight agrees with him.

We arrived home and got the TV set up and picked up a new high deff cable box complete with DVR capability. Oh yes, life is good! Rob has thoroughly enjoyed it and as though that were not enough good stuff our cable company is giving a FREE sample of NHL Ice, the hockey channel.

One of the great perks of working is being able to do this kind of stuff. I am putting in 45 hours a week. It's a lot for me. I am having my meds tweeked and undergoing some unpleasant side effects and I have days where I wonder if it's worth it. At work I have made some wonderful friends and the young male supervisors are so helpful and supportive. On Friday I was exhausted and when we realized we would be stuck there nearly an hour longer because of the cue, one of my coworkers/friends came over to give me a big hug. Ivette, you rock, girl!!!!!

I never thought I would meet someone who was so loving, supportive and wonderful as is Rob. Many days I arrive home exhausted and it seems like we don't spend any time together during the week. I feel badly about that but hopefully I will get an early shift next month. Until then, just know that you have made my life something it hasn't been in a very long time. I hope that each birthday will get better for you and that life will get better and easier for us both.

For all that you have done and continue to do on a daily basis, I am grateful. I love you babeeeeee and I pray daily that the best is yet to come. :) OX

TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The beauty of working is being able to truly enjoy your time off. Partly because you have money and can do things that you wouldn't be able to without that paycheck. I love weekends.

This weekend is going to be fun. My mother's birthday is Sunday. Secret: I don't know how old she will be actually be, perhaps 75? 76? I just realized I do not know what year she was born.

I think she was 20 when my brother was born and he is 55 (my OLDER brother of course!) so that would mean she would be turning 76. My sister is coming to stay with me, from Albany.

Haven't seen her since Christmas and her birthday is Jan. 31st so we can celebrate that too.

My grandmother and aunt are coming from Maryland to celebrate, with a birthday luncheon at my mother's house tomorrow. I haven't done much prep as I have been slightly incapacitated.

Last week, early in the week, I stubbed my toe (and actually the top of my foot.) I was in pain for several days but managed to hobble to work each day. Fortunately, most of my day involves sitting at a desk. By week's end the pain had not stopped and I awoke about 3 a.m. early Sunday to find I was now in agony. Went to the E.R. on Sunday where they determined that my blood thinner was too high. They x rayed and even sonogramed my legs to be certain there was no blood clot. Final opinion was that I had a bleed into my foot. I left the hospital on crutches. I am still in pain, although not as severe. My doctor has decreased my blood thinner and taken away another drug that caused me to retain fluids, in case that was the cause. Once the blood is in there it takes weeks to totally be reabsorbed. In the meantime, there are no shoes that are truly comfortable. There are only two pairs I can manage to squeeze into.

Irregardless of the foot issue, woohoooooooo it is Friday and I will get to see loved ones that I don't see often. I have cause to celebrate. While I am still paying off bills that were piling up while I had no income last year, the end is in sight. Once again I can breath and relax.

Have a great weekend!

Randomly thiking about things............

The morning passes so quickly but then the work day seems to go on and on............

Why are people so irresponsible? They order things that they cannot use and then are angry at employees who work for a company when they are not reimbursed for all shipping costs??? Do
they ever stop to think what it costs the companies they do this to? What happened to the world of my youth when we were taught to think before we acted and when we did something that didn't work to take responsibility for it.

Just saw the new movie ONCE now available on DVD. I had read a great review and then when a fellow journaler talked about it in her blog I had to run out and get it. I will watch it many more times I am sure. You simply MUST see it!

My 95 year old grandmother is coming for another visit next Friday. Although she is slowing down she is planning a birthday party for her daughter who turns 76. Amazing! I feel so very blessed to be in my fifties and still have one of my grandparents alive.

Haven't had a major snow storm this year. Even though we live in the Northeast no snow has "stuck" yet. Had a flurry yesterday that quickly melted. I guess this is proof of the global warming.

Pets are a lot of work. Although I wouldn't take anything for mine, I would love the luxury one day of sleeping past 7 a.m. without waking to a crying or whining. Why don't grandparents take pets for sleepovers?

Time to get ready for work. Although I am putting in such long hours right now and am exhausted much of the time there is not one day that I am not grateful to be getting a steady paycheck. It is a wonderful feeling to have the bills paid and some leftover. Credit card debt is going down each month and the end is in sight. The best feeling in the world is knowing that you did that for yourself.

I am eager to find/read the book Love, Eat and Pray (I think that is the title.)

Have a great weekend!

Weekends pass much too quickly

Hard to believe but another weekend is coming to an end. I didn't do much except for relax this weekend. Mondays I work at least two hours overtime. We are expecting a snowstorm early morning that I will be commuting in, fortunately work is only about ten miles each way. Our town does a good job of keeping our roads plowed so hopefully it will go well. We moved at work and our new location is near an entire wall of huge picture windows. I love it. Natural light much of the day. I continue to learn new things about my job making it easier. If I get really good at what I do the bonuses from the company are very generous. It is wonderful to be able to do things now that I could not afford to do for the past several years. I am pretty conservative when it comes to money and am paying off bills and whatever is left is going toward principle of a loan. Feeling good now that I have overcome many difficulties and am where I need to be. It is a long day for me. I wish it were a bit shorter but I am so grateful to have a good job amongst other blessings. I know another weekend will be here before I know it.

Another Christmas Past

Christmas 2007 was very different for us than Christmases of recent years. We moved into our current home nearly six years ago. We have never had family here for a holiday. This year while working full time I decided it was time.

My mother is getting older and having holidays overwhelms her anymore. Thanksgiving my sister came down and did most of the work. I wasn't sure she would be able to do that at Christmas so although I believed I would be working until 8 on Christmas Eve I planned to have a 25 lb. turkey with all the trimmings. Our company gave us a wonderful gift when they told us Friday that we would also have Christmas Eve off. This meant I would be able to join the festivities at my brother Bob's house and have most of the day to prepare. Prepare we did. I had a wonderful spread with turkey, stuffing, potatoes, a whipped sweet potato recipe that is outstanding, salad, green bean casserole, rolls and for dessert a buffet of cheesecake, cookies, pies and my "Rachel Ray" fudge wreath. Yummoo.

It is a bit cramped here compared to the roominess of my old house but we managed and everyone had a good time. I gave my sweetie a digital video camera and he has recorded some of it. Technology is amazing. The gift that was the biggest hit by far was the one Rob gave my son. It was a remote controlled helicopter that can be flown IN the house. Most of what he got was clothing because he is grown up but men are just big boys with toys.

Throughout the day I thought of last Christmas. No one had a clue that this year Jennifer would not be a part of our Christmas. Each year we received a box from Rob's Mom and in it were the gifts from Jennifer and her brother Brian. I remember them year by year. Rob was able to drive up there a few short weeks ago and deliver our gifts to them. She loves the American Girl doll we gave her and for Christmas we gave her the most beautiful red faux velvet coat and hat. Also ice skates and a few small other things. I wish we could have been there to see her open the gifts but we had to be at work the next morning. Maybe next year. I was so happy to have a lovely Christmas. I hope you did too and I wish you a wonderful new year.

Three Days and Counting...................

What Christmas Means to Me.................

Christmas isn't just a paid holiday off from work. Christmas has a deep spiritual meaning. I do believe that Jesus was a man who lived among us long ago. I believe that he lived an exemplary life and that if we could all just follow his teachings of kindness, brotherhood and forgiveness the world would be a much better place. Today I had to work and thinking that it was a few days before Christmas I was hoping that others might have the Christmas spirit. For the most part I was wrong but there were a few which after thanking me for my assistance wished me a Merry Christmas. I was appreciative of that. This Christmas there are some things which hamper the spirit. Firstly the loss of Jen weighs upon us. As more time passes we are keenly aware of the loss and the huge void left in her 9 year old daughter's life. My son lost his job (as did his entire department) with a wealthy company and was canned a week ago tonight. No severance just a brief goodbye. He had really enjoyed that job and been there over two years. He had taken ONE sick day during that time. I guess the company chose not to give these people the paid holiday.

Ebeneezer the company owner is a multimillionaire. Tidings of comfort and joy.

While there are things that bad there is so much good. I have a good job. They gave us Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off. We had four spreads of food over the past few weeks.

In addition we were given vouchers for food in their "world class" cafeteria. The food there is marvelous. I feel blessed to work with some of the hardest working people I have worked alongside of. Today I was hugged by many coworkers. Genuine shows of affection happen often where I am. Help is always there and given generously and competently. While my days are long, I find myself driving home each night feeling that I am blessed.

I am planning to have a 25 lb. turkey here for Christmas Day. The crowd will be relatively small. Not sure we can all fit around the table. This house has an eat in kitchen and no dining room. Gone are the days with my sprawling dining room and unlimited space. I still have the china and the silverware. The space is small in comparison. The difference is that my tiny home is overflowing with love and hospitality. A small house can hold as much love as a mansion. In my case it holds much more. What particularly thrilled me this year was that I was able to make a bag of gifts for a friend who lost her only child last year at this time. I was also able to send some money to Feed The Children and send a box to a Navy soldier. That to me is what Christmas is all about. Helping those in need, whether the need be financial or spiritual. There's not much that I want or need. I do need to know that I care about my fellow man. I need to know that is a part of my personality that will never change. I consider it my best asset.

Thank you for the world so sweet. Thank you for the food we eat. Thank you for the birds that sing. Thank you, God, for everything. Mostly, Lord I thank you for the precious gift of life.

A Coworker Made Me Sick.......LIterally

Where I work we have days that are shared in a pool. Meaning that sick days are the same as vacation days. While I can understand the value of this there is a serious downside as well. One of my coworkers is planning a vacation this winter. She was soooo sick but refused to call out and take a sick day. She left early one day to pick her sick daugher up and was saying her husband had to take a day off so that she wouldn't use one of her pool days for sickness and she could save them for vacation days. How unfair to others and I told her so. On Sunday evening I began to be chilled to the bone and feel very ill. Woke up Monday even worse and a trip to the doctor confirmed I had strep. I'm sure that is what the coworker's daughter and she had. I wonder how many more employees will have it. I had to call out yesterday and use my ONE accumulated paid sick day. I am still not well today and had to take a second, UNPAID day.

Since they are consecutive days it will only count as one call out illness thankfully.

What do you want for Christmas?

I know what I want and I want it bad. I want people to start acting responsibly. To stop ordering things they have no use for, to stop making phone calls ordering services that are incompatible with what they have in their homes. Furthermore, these people want to scream and yell at people instead of taking responsibility for their decision. Most companies now have people who try to keep customers......and keep them happy. Don't try to verbally berate people when they are stuck trying to help you get out of a mess which you have created. Be mature enough to admit that you made a mistake and kindly ask for assistance to get out of it. I remember when children knew better than to try to blame everything they did on someone else. Nowdays many parents are afraid to correct their children even when the child desperately needs it. I am not talking about people treating children like chattle. I am talking about constructive discipline. I cringe when I see how many children have NO boundaries. Children need love and security but they also need to know that adults are in charge. It gives them security. Too often the children are running the show these days. If parents cannot control them at 9 what will happen when they are teens? I remember the movement not to hit children. I liked the philosophies associated with that. There is a rare time a child needs a swat on the bottom and I could never condone more than that. I do believe children need to be told gently but firmly that the parents are in charge. Sometimes it scares me to think what these children will be like when they are the adults running our society. Maybe I'm crany today but these are my thoughts.

Wow a degree from a university

On Friday I finally got my degree from a university.....of sorts. I am now a graduate of a private university. I don't want to post too much about my job here for reasons that it can come back and kick you in the butt....hard. Many of my fellow grads went out for snacks and drinks but I declined. I have learned that often coworkers are not the best people you want for your friends. When there's a group of people and you barely know some of them the robot arms start waving "Danger Will Robinson! Danger!" Not going there.

My new job is tough at times. I am taking calls where people want to cancel their service and I am talking them out of doing that. Well, often the calls go like this...

ME: Thank you for calling ______ My name is Nutjob how can I help you today?

Them: I hate you and your F*N company.

ME: May I have your account number with us?

Them: I don't have an account.

ME: If you were billed by us then you have an account with us. Can you look on your bill

and give that to me?

Them: Look A******* I don't have email and I can't read anything you sent me.

ME: If you signed up for an account with us then you needed to give an email address, may I please have your first and last name then?

Them: Yes it's mumble mumble mumble mumble.

ME: I'm very sorry. I didn't catch that, could you please repeat that?

Them: Listen jerk off: just cancel my account.

ME: I will be happy to help you once I can identify which account we are talking about.

Them: Oh wait a minute is *************** an account number?

ME: yes, thank you. Now can you verify some information for me?

Them: I hate you. You should die, a slow painful death.

And the conversation goes downhill from there!

There are some good and courteous customers but honestly they are more the exceptions.

I am polite and do the job that I am being paid to do. It's not easy but I am grateful to be receiving a paycheck. I have a wait for my benefits still. I am doing shiftwork and I will be working Christmas Eve until the phones close at 8. If we have calls that went into hold before that we cannot leave until they are all taken. What kind of people you have to wonder would be calling on Christmas Eve in the evening? Remember Ebenezer Scrooge?

SO....if you know anyone who might want to call and bust someone's holiday mojo on Christmas Eve, try to talk them out of it. Offer them some holiday cheer (liquid cheer that is.)

I have a lot of shopping to do. Last night we received a dusting of snow but it is snowing again. I have to get to the MAC, get the dog's nails trimmed, and pick up a humidifier. Since we ate out for Thanksgiving and had no leftovers I am making a turkey breast today. Don't know when I will find time for the decorating but the Christmas mugs are in the cabinet and a wreath is on the door. It's a start. Wishing you a joyous holiday season and a cup of good cheer.