Monday, February 27, 2006

God help us......really

I have complained previously about the lack of sleep we get due to the pets. Well, last night took the record. Duffy woke up at midnight wanting to go out. I took him out and thought that would be that. Hardly. He carried on barking for twenty minute intervals every hour or so. Today we are Zombies. Not the cool musical group who did such a great song, Gloria. The hideous ugly things that can't function in daylight.

I love my dog. But right now I would give him away for a few days of sleep. I called my vet this morning. They advised me to give him children's benadryl tonight. I remembered that the prime ingredient of benadryl is alcohol. I say benadryl for all of us. I even went out today and bought him a new soft, wonderful bed with matching cozy pillow shaped like a bone. I can't take another night like last night. I don't care if it's in the teens outside, tonight I will take to my car with the down comforter. Besides with my benadryl haze I could sleep anywhere.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Snoozing on Saturday

Last night we had another horrible night. The dog woke up barking to go out twice. Once I am woken up like that it takes hours for me to fall asleep again. I think one night soon we will check into a motel for a decent night's sleep. I remember when I would think checking into a motel would be for a wild night of sex. Right now I would be incapable of that.
Yesterday our office administrator was out sick,as she was the day before. We had a huge meeting planned and I had to fill her shoes. Things went well and towards the end of the day I had to assist an agent with some tasks I had not done before. It was a good feeling to be able to handle it all. It's hard to jump into a position when most of the others have been there three years. They have learned so much during that time and I am catching up, slowly. Still have resumes out but unfortunately the job market is not good right now. Many companies look to hire temporary employees without benefits. To someone like me, who fills several prescriptions a month, benefits are an important factor.
My friend went through quite an ordeal this week with her dog. She had lost her other dog a few short months ago. Her five year old Yorkie began having trouble jumping. The vet prescribed antibiotics and when she gave him one he got violently ill. She rushed him back to be told by the vet that he needed to be admitted and have further testing. She later told my friend (in the waiting room and not in a private office) that her dog had been diagnosed with chronic pancreatitis and another bout might kill him. She send him home with more antibiotics. I did ask my friend how the vet knew that the antibiotics didn't cause the problem in the first place but the vet never addressed that. The first night little Scooter was home and got the next dose of medicine he had a repeat crisis. When she took him back to the vet's office she was told the vet wasn't going to see him. She called the police to get the records and the police insisted that the vet at least look at him to see he was stable. She then took Scooter into New York City to an animal hospital she had complete faith in. Turns out the poor little guy does NOT have pancreatitis but gastroenteritis which his Mom believes came from his love of McDonalds fries. He will be okay but in the meantime a bill of thousands has been accumulating. All because the first vet never "got it" the first time. It's so frustrating when a crisis becomes a mega crisis. Had the vet realized the first time, she would have been spared the emotional turmoil, trauma to Scooter and the thousands she will now owe. It makes me all the more aware that you need a vet you really have faith in. She did have faith in her vet until all this happened. I guess we know that doctors and vets make mistakes but as a layperson the antibiotic was the first thing I thought of. At least Scooter will be okay and I think his Mommy slept for the first time last night in over a week.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

The McDreamy Chronicles part 4

After the funeral it was harder and harder for Rob and I to be apart. His Dad passed away on March 22. The next few months I went to Rhode Island and we went to New Hampshire. One weekend we went to a gathering of the regulars from our chat room in North Carolina.(The above picture was taken then. May 2000) People were always calling us the "love birds" and saying how perfect we were together. We felt that too. My friends began to meet Rob and so did some of my family. Rob finally came to New Jersey and met my son during this time. I have to say that I was very nervous about that. Firstly, Rob is over ten years younger than me. I had my son when I was just 19. When my son met him he held out his hand and shook it. Rob was very respectful of my son and during his visits he stayed in the guest room. My son genuinely liked and came to respect Rob. He began to accept Rob as part of our family. Sometime during this period my son quit his job. I was very upset because I could not support the both of us. He came home and announced his Dad had given him a few thousand dollars to "tide him over". I was working all day and coming home to find that my son was eating me out of house and home, running up my phone bill, etc. I finally told him he either had to get a full time job or move elsewhere. His Dad eagerly told him he could live there and he moved out. For the next several months I was living alone for the first time in my life. It was wonderful and just what I needed. During that time I did a lot of self evaluating. I came to grips with the fact that I was a divorced woman. I had always been raised with a stigma about divorce. My parents were trying to convince me that I should be forgiving of my ex. I stopped trying to explain and I just began stating that I was now taking charge of my life and I backed away from family and friends who were not supportive.

Sometime in September Rob came for a visit. During this time we talked about living together. We were both still in our non marriage mode. We both felt that we were deeply in love with each other but wanted to be free (or so we thought.)
During that time Rob told me that he might go home and get his things and come back. I did not react well. In fact I felt sheer and utter panic. Looking back I realise that was very hurtful to Rob. At the time I couldn't see past my panic. Rob asked if I wanted him to leave right then and there and I told him no. I told him I couldn't consider the possibility of making any commitment.A few days later he left and I knew he was still upset.
I tried to call him for days. His mother answered and said he wasn't there. I finally asked her if she was being truthful and she said she was. He was painting a mural on his cousin's wall. I tried calling him there. He refused to pick up a phone. During this time I turned to my friend Diana for advice. (She is a drug and alcohol counselor among other things and has tremendous insights.) She really wouldn't advise me one way or the other but told me a few things to think about. What was worse: my fear OR actually losing Rob because of my fear? I had to face facts that perhaps I would lose him now. I finally called him at work when he was forced to take the phone call. I was crying and explained to him that I did love him but was paralyzed by my fear. When he heard my voice I could tell it got to him. He agreed to call me that night. That night he explained that he had begun to feel differently. Maybe he wasn't ready for marriage either but he knew that he wanted to spend his life with me on whatever terms we agreed to. I was terrified. All I could think of was thatI had spendtso many years getting out of a bad situation and now I was heading into another serious commitment. At the same time, a part of me thought so hard about what would my life be like if I let Rob go? How precious would my freedom be if I had to know that somewhere out there was possibly my soul mate but that fear had kept me from him? It was a lot to process but slowly I did. I asked Rob to come back and I knew that I was going to have to take a chance. I knew now that I was a much stronger person and that no matter what I would survive. It was nearly a month before he came back.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Weekend Gone Awry

This weekend has been less than restful. Firstly, Friday kicked off a hub bub of problems. After a hectic day at work I arrived home to have my doorbell rung before I had time to change clothes. It was a new neighbor I hardly know wanting some help. Seems she too had a bad day. She ran out of gas in the parking lot when she got to work. She had scrounged up change from her car and a few dollars to pay the gas station to use their gas can and walk back to her car with it. Now she was home and broke and the deliverymen were there setting up her new bed. She needed money to tip them. I also go the feeling she didn't want to be alone in the house with them so I walked back with her and stayed until they left. I lent her money for the tip. When Rob got home I told him that I was just exhausted and needed to go somewhere and distract myself. We went to our local Applebees. I actually had the feeling I was at an eigth grade dance. The place was swarming with teens in groups (girls on one side and boys on the other). Waiting time was said to be twenty minutes. The reality was that it was over forty-five minutes. We were seated and I ordered a Cosmo. It was one of the strongest ones I have ever had. My head was spinning which was good because when the bill came and I saw that they charged me @8.50 PLUS TAX & TIP I needed some comfort. We had a large appetizer that we shared and Rob had a rib platter also. The food was really good. We picked up headphones that Rob had ordered at Circuit City for his Ipod, my prescription and came home. By 10 p.m. I was snoring.
Saturday I woke up with a very swollen knee. It had been swollen all week. Now it was so stiff I could barely walk on it. I called the internist and asked if I might be seen before I went to work. I called work and told them I would be a little late but would be there as soon as I could. The usual doctor was not there and I saw another. She told me it looked terrible and read me the MRI report of it that was done several months ago. My regular internist had told me that it did not have a miniscus tear which he feared. What he neglected to tell me was that the report said I have a degenerative knee. She referred me to an orthopedic surgeon. (I doubt they will be able to do much but I will go see them.) She then expressed concern that my entire body was full of fluid. Yes, I noticed that as well. I take a daily diuretic but she wanted me on lasix which is VERY strong. I have been taking it for two days and have dropped nearly ten pounds of fluid in that time. ..........I hurried off to work where there were many problems that needed attending. I normally don't enjoy working on Saturdays but our Saturday girl is a reception who can't handle a lot of things that I was happy to be there to help her out with. She's very sweet and appreciative and that goes a long way with job satisfaction. I came home with a real feeling of accomplishment. When I arrived home Rob informed me that our oven was no more. It ceased to work, so did the broiler. The stove top burners were fine. My father came and tried to take a "look see" but honestly the position of the "GLOWBAR" made it impossible for him. We discussed how expensive it would be to repair and thought we would do better purchasing a new one. That is until we spoke to others who told us that by the time you included the delivery fee, removal of old appliance fee and hook up fee, you had to add another $200 to the price. I remembered that a very nice man I work with used to repair appliances. I called his cel and he said he would come out, take a look and fix it for me. He told me I would only have to pay for the part and give him some money to cover his gas. Honestly, this man has a heart of gold. He had just bought me lunch last week. We have tried to help each other and when I found he didn't have a winter coat someone gave me a brand new one to give him. The hat and gloves that I bought my son were too small for him but fit this man perfectly, as well as matched his coat. Sometimes when life just seems to be giving us a lot to process, you meet someone who offers you a helping hand and you believe again in the goodness of your fellow man. I am waiting for him to call me and come out today. I use my oven at least four times a week, sometimes more. I love to bake and in the winter I love to have a nice homecooked meal warming the kitchen and sending an inviting aroma throughout the house. I find the older I get the more the comforts of home mean to me.
Earlier today I was reading a friend's journal. The entry was about how her ex had so many of her things. That really hit me. Things are just things, but they are so comforting when they are tied with memories and heart strings. Although I feel I got cheated financially in my divorce, I am glad that I gave me ex all the things that were his, and retained all the things that were mine. I did ask for OUR vinyl record collection, many were gifts he had given me and he agreed to let me have them. However since I walked away without a dime from his pension or IRAs, he still made out like a bandit. I still feel that it was a pyric victory for him. Above all, I feel that I retained my self respect. That was worth more than anything to me.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Sometimes Life has Interruptions

Two nights ago I received a phone call from a dear friend of mine, Monica. We met when I was a 19 yr. old know it all and she a 34 yr. old mother of four. We worked together for a wonderful company side by side for three years. During that time I learned all about her. I was very fond of her then four year old twins, Julie and Jennifer. They were not identical but they were inseparable, and still are. Last week Julie found out that her four year old daughter (youngest of her three children) has Wilms tumor. It's a childhood cancer of the kidney. I cried with my dear friend. We both are optomistic as her doctors which are at Children's Hospital in Phila. It's top notch. Still, to know what they are going through makes it difficult. Fortunately, Monica retired just last year and is going with Julie to her daughter's chemo visits which are several times a week. For those of you who pray, please keep little Madison in your prayers. She is a bit angry at all the medical things happening to her. This news has disrupted my sleep. I wake up at 4:30 or 5:30 each morning.
My job search continues and the market is still not good. I was offered a few jobs but all of them would be over an hour commute each way. Just adusting to an 8 or 9 hour workday would be enough for me without adding two hours more for the commute.
I am very tired and will be working again tomorrow and Saturday. I will sit down and write another more cheerful entry over the weekend hopefully. It's President's Day on Monday and McDreamy will be home with me. :) It's supposed to get very cold this weekend. The past few days have been Springlike.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Valentines Day!

This is me wearing my Valentines Day gift from Rob. I had my heart surgery on Feb. 6, 2004. That day was declared "Wear Red for Women Day". Imagine that. Did I ever feel important! A day in my honor. Heart disease is the NUMBER 1 KILLER OF WOMEN.
Read that again. More than all cancers. One of the reasons is that women are caregivers and often take care of everyone but themselves. It's so important if you have systems to have them checked out. I was having severe anxiety attacks and shortness of breath. Had I not changed internists and pushed for tests I would probably be dead right now. I cannot stress this enough to other women. I was under 50 years old. With my artificial heart valve I have a new lease on life. This necklace is made by Brighton (a wonderful company that makes purses and jewelery). It's in honor of Wear Red for Women Day. On the clasp is another heart with a red dress on it. I love hearts and always have. I am so grateful for a caring spouse like Rob who knows just what I want. He made me some beautiful Valentines as well.
He is the person I always dreamed of having. Well he's younger and cuter than what I had in mind! hehehe

Part three of the chronicles.................
I had been to Rhode Island three times before I had the courage to meet Rob's family. Actually I had met his cousin Lynn on my second trip because I stayed in her apartment. Other than that, I was nervous about meeting them. On my third trip up Rob's Dad was not doing well at all. Actually on the second trip Rob had talked me into meeting him but the hospital was closed by the time we got to it. I knew his Dad had been fighting cancer for a year...bone cancer. He had had his leg amputated. Rob had been home with him one day when he fell and broke his "good" leg. I knew from Rob that Bob was a brave man. Never complained. Worried about being a burden to everyone. When I walked into Rob's house it was full of people. The living room was overflowing and his parents were sitting on the sofa watching TV. I was surprised how healthy his Dad looked. If I didn't know he had cancer, I wouldn't have suspected it. He had his artificial leg off and made a comment that he was sorry about that. We had a brief visit and it was time for dinner. His Dad really wasn't eating any more. I was so impressed by the fact that he needed so much help to get around but he didn't want anyone to make a fuss over him. Rob was so loving and attentive that it really moved me. When I went to leave I hugged his Dad and he whispered something into my ear. "Watch out for that guy." We had a good laugh.
I went back to the hotel to pick up my car and when I went to say goodbye Rob began to talk about the doctors telling his Dad they couldn't believe he was still alive. When he began to tell me things his mother had said I realised that his Dad was not going to be here very long. It was so hard to leave that time, I broke down and cried for the first time. I told Rob that no matter when it was, to call me if anything happened to his Dad. This was Sunday at dinner time and I headed back to be at work Monday morning. On Monday morning I was walking into work when my cel phone rang. Rob was hardly able to speak and he said "Dad's gone." I told him I was walking into Macys but that I would tell them I had to leave immediately for Rhode Island. I then asked him to ask his Mom if it was OK for me to come. She said she would appreciate it. I walked into Macys and they were angry I was leaving without notice. They told me they couldn't promise I wouldn't be fired and I told them that no job was worth having if it meant not being where you had to be. I got home, packed my bag and headed back to Rhode Island. When I got there Rob's family were all there. We sat down and I began to ask if everyone had what they would need clothing wise. No, they hadn't thought about that. I took them to the local Macys and we used my discount. Rob got a suit, his sister a dress and his Mom a coat. The next evening at the viewing I met Rob's sister Jennifer and her adorable baby Cassandra. The baby and I hit it off and I took her into another room and babysat her so her Mom could be in the receiving line.Rob came out to use the men's room. He looked up at me holding Cassie and he smiled, winked and blew me a kiss. I will never forget that moment. All I could think of was that at a time like that, he was taking the time to make me feel good. Rob was so happy I was there and kept telling me how much it meant to him. I stayed until the day after the funeral and headed back to NJ again. Soon after Rob came to New Jersey and met my family and friends. I often think of how losing his Dad drew us together. I wish now that I had met Bob sooner and spent more time with him. I am grateful that I did get to meet him. There were times where I talked to him on the phone before we met. The evening I met him he was so ill and on morphine. Rob went in to say goodnight to his Dad. Bob wanted to know if I had made it home safely. Rob told him yes and he said his Dad smiled. I honestly think his Dad had a feeling about me. I think during those few days I became a part of his family.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

We Interrupt the Regularly Scheduled Entry for this weather report..............

Here in the NorthEast we are being hammered by a NorEaster. Perfect name. They are predicting up to two feet in some areas. I would say we already have a foot and a half. Check out the pics.
As you may have already guessed Shetland Sheepdogs love snow. Their heavy coats protect them from the cold and as long as they master shovels a path for their short legs to go through (we did a huge circle) they will run and leap and eat the snow they catch on their tongues.
Back to our regularly scheduled program............

Saturday, February 11, 2006

The McDreamy Chronicles....part 2

It's now about 7:30. I am driving and realize that I have missed the turn off. I call Rob from my cel phone. He told me to get off at the next exit. I did and found the Dunkin Donuts where he came to meet me. He stuck his head in my car. OMG I thought, he's cuter than his pictures! There was one draw back. Since the time he had the pictures taken, he had buzzed his hair. This is something I don't like...on anyone. I think it reminds me of all the times my son's hair fell out while he was on chemo and just began to grow back. We knew that the next round it would fall out again. I noticed Rob had twinkling beautiful blue eyes and a wonderful smile. I followed him to the nearest restaurant, which ended up being our favorite. It was named Chelo's and the fish and chips there are out of this world. If you're ever in Rhode Island you must have them. We pulled into the parking lot and parked next to each other. Went inside and found out we would have a half hour wait for a table. Bar was filled. We sat in the large waiting we stood, standing room only on a Saturday night. When we were seated Rob ordered a beer and I had a margarita. I remember I had a salad and before our food came we heard an announcement. There were two cars blocking other cars and would the owners of license plates.....move them. They were OUR license plates and we got up to move our cars. When we walked outside we were really laughing because we realized that in our nervous haste we had made a new row which blocked in the row that were ahead of us. We reparked and walked inside to find that the waitress had tossed Rob's beer. Rob explained that this was a serious sin and she replaced it. Now after having inhaled my drink, and with the car chaos, my head was spinning. (Some months later we learned that the car blocked in was Rob's Uncle Bob's car which made it even funnier.) I began to feel a tad anxious and Rob smiled, winked at me and said "relax." When my salad came I inhaled it. Rob was telling me that he was house sitting for a friend and he would have to go attend to the dalmations before he could lead me to the hotel where I would be staying. We had a pleasant dinner, with wonderful conversation and sometime during it a little voice in my head said "Your plan was to be independent and FREE. Danger Will Robinson! Danger!" I ignored the voice and followed Rob to his friend's house.
I remember getting out of the car to find that the yard was a sheet of ice. While there wasn't even snow on the ground when I left, Rhode Island was covered with snow and ice and bitter cold. We got into the house and Rob took care of the dogs. The house was tiny but so comfortable. We began to talk and for the first time in my life, I pulled a man close to me. Rob sensed that I was afraid and he did nothing but follow my leads. In hindsight, had he been any different I would have bolted. From the start, it's as though he could sense my fears and needs and act accordingly. We spent a wonderful night there talking, laughing and snuggling. In the morning he had to work and I followed him to the hotel where I checked in. I called my friend Anne and told her that I feared I was liking him too much. She laughed and told me that was a good thing. I called my son and told him that I really liked Rob too. I took a shower and a nap and eagerly awaited Rob to return from work so we could go out. We went out to dinner and came back to have drinks in the hotel pub. It was a fabulous place with a huge roaring fire. The most romantic place imagineable. Often we would come here again. We spent the rest of the weekend getting to know each other. On Monday morning, Valentine's Day Rob had to go to work. We ordered room service and had a nice breakfast before saying goodbye. I wasn't sure when we would see each other again but I knew that we would.
Rob said goodbye and I got packed and hit the road to come home. I called my friend Anne while driving home. "I'm in trouble" I said. "Stop being so afraid."
As I was almost home Rob called my cel phone. He asked me if I had looked in my makeup bag. I hadn't. He told me to check it as soon as I got in the door. Inside he had put a silver Celtic knotwork ring. It was nice and I put it on my hand and wore it for the next year or so.
When I returned to work everyone commented that I was glowing. I told them about meeting Rob. They were shocked that someone I had met in a chat room seemed to be such a good thing. Several women cautioned me that it wouldn't last. It didn't matter. The night Rob and I had dinner for the first time I had told him. "I will NEVER get married again. It's taken me years to get out of the first mistake and I'm still finalizing things." Rob replied that was good because he never wanted to get married. I felt safe knowing that neither of us wanted that. I felt like we were just going to have a wonderful relationship and there was no pressure. I wasn't going to put my heart out there to be broken and neither was Rob. We were just going to take it slow and enjoy ourselves.
When I arrived home I sat the ex down and told him that he had stalled the divorce for long enough. I wasn't comfortable dating other people while he was still living in the house. I had been saving money for the retainer for the lawyer. I had wanted to file for divorce six months earlier but no lawyer would file without the $2600 retainer.They also advised me I needed to build credit in MY name. Once the legal proceedings were underway I lost all my credit cards and until the divorce was final I would have to survive on my meeger income. I bit the bullet and filed. I had been worried about my son's reaction but I had moved into the guest room over a year earlier and he understood. It was only a matter of legally ending it. Instead of cooperating my ex made if very difficult by hiring and firing attorneys. Each time he hired a new one, he got 90 days to delay. He did this twice. My divorce should have been final in May but he delayed it until September. He didn't want the house but he didn't want to move out. I offered to let him buy me out, hand me a check and I would go. He finally (under sheriff's order) vacated. I really needed that time to think things through. For the first time in my life I was on my own. I was sleeping in my house alone and if I wanted ice cream for dinner, so be it. It was rough financially....having built my credit the previous six months I was now using it. The ex gave me no money and I was charging everything. I soon realized that I would have to sell the house to make it on my own. That was okay because I was loving my new freedom. I was forty five years old and for the FIRST TIME I was in charge of my life. What a feeling. To make things even better, I had someone who seemed to really care about me. Still, when I was swept away by those feelings, there was always the part of me who remembered my previous feelings of despair, who vowed that this would never happen to me again. That little voice in my head was ever present.

"Love makes your soul crawl out from it's hiding place." ~ Zora Neale Hurston

Friday, February 10, 2006

The McDreamy Chronicles....part 1

Six years ago.........
Picture me a woman going through a much longed for divorce. I was living in a big house and working at Macy's. First job I had had since before my son was born, over twenty years earlier. I had been a stay at home Mom and volunteer for many organizations. It was just a year earlier that I had first leared about email and decided that a computer was the way to go. My ex flatly refused to buy one, even though when Atari first came out he spent thousands just to play games on it. That is when the revolt overtook. I went to Macys got a job, financed my first computer and got a cel phone. There was no holding me back after that. I went online in January of 1999. The second day I was online I decided to enter a chat room. Yes, I was warned how awful they were. The first one I went in was called Thinkers. I immediately met several women who were about my age and intelligent. The conversations were interesting, funny and very enjoyable. It was easier to tell strangers of the disappointments I was experiencing. One of the first people I met was a drug/alcohol therapist we called Prozie. She was awesome. Later I began going there in the evenings as well. During that time men drifted in and out of the chat. Often people exchanged pictures. I didn't have a recent photo so I had one taken. It was fun to meet the new people. One guy came in with the name of ZamBoni. Right away I found myself laughing. He was witty and fun. One night he asked if we might exchange pictures and he sent me his. This is the picture that he sent me. (I later learned that his Dad, a photographer, had used trick photography to make him look like twins.) When I saw this picture I remember thinking "Damn! He's really cute." In hindsight, what is funny about this, is that I had a previous type. In a word: tall. From the picture it wasn't apparent that Rob was not tall. I put the picture to the side and continued to enjoy conversations with this pleasant guy. Over the next few months I became friendly with many chatters. Suddenly, ZAMMY as we called him was no longer coming online. I asked about him and no one knew what was going on. He resurfaced after the summer and told us of a disastrous relationship he had with a woman he had known. I told him about my pending divorce and we became fast friends. We IMed each other, sent each other emails and later snail mail. Eventually he called my house. I needed a shoulder to lean on and he filled the bill. His father had been fighting cancer for a year and was not doing well. I sensed that he needed a friend to. Finally, just six years ago he began the big push for me to drive to Rhode Island and meet him. I told him IF I came that he had to understand that nothing would happen. I was just coming to meet him, a friend. He agreed with that. We were ONLY going to have dinner IF I came. It was shakey and we were both scared to meet and also leery that it would happen. The upcoming Valentines Day was Monday. I had the whole weekend IF I went. I cleared Saturday so IF I wanted to go I could. I hemmed and hauled all day Friday. Consulting my online friends and one I had met in person. She told me to go. I changed my mind from minute to minute not knowing IF I should go. I just kept thinking that I could turn around and drive home if it was a big mistake. I called two friends and gave them minute by minute instructions to contact me while I was there.......IF I went. I packed and repacked.
I decided that I would sleep on it and Saturday make the final decision. I hardly slept that night. The following morning I got up and my ex (who was still living in the house and remained until he was forced to leave) began his usually weekend misery. At 11 a.m. I told him where I was going. He was relieved to have me out of the house and gave me the money to go. I had been out on two dates. I didn't have confidence to do it again. I was not happy with either guy and couldn't wait to get home. This time I vowed that it was NOT a date, just meeting a nice guy for dinner and conversation. I left the house early afternoon and began to drive from NJ to RI. This was the FIRST time in my life (and mind you I was in my forties!) that I was driving by myself to another state that was not bordering New Jersey. I suddenly felt free. Like the weights to my strings had been severed. I was being bold. I was doing what I wanted for a change. It felt sooo good. I called ZAMMY from my cel phone and told him I was coming. He had a nervous laugh and I could tell that he wasn't sure whether or not I was actually coming. As I sailed through New York, Connecticut and then Rhode Island I felt stronger and stronger. Gone were the feelings that I was too anxiety ridden to do this. I realized that I had taken back control of my life and it felt so damn good. Little did I know what this meeting would lead to. Had I known, at that time, I would have been too scared. I would have headed back home too fearful to meet someone who could mean that much to me. I was about to cross a threshold into a new world and a new life...and my biggest concern was would he think I looked as good as my picture. Sometimes ignorance IS bliss.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Last Day of Class

Today is my last day of computer classes. I've been at it six months and learned a lot. When I took the test at the employment services they told me I knew enough of the office suite programs to do any job unless they were looking for someone on an expert level. Of course until I took that test, I thought I was the expert. LOL
Rob was so sick on Tuesday evening. I felt so badly. He was up all night and he even went downstairs to use the bathroom so he could stop waking me. I had to go to work the next day. Today he had an early dentist appointment so he had this morning off so that gave him few more hours. He got an extra five days off this year for PTO days.
I am still waiting to find my full time job. I am remaining at the job I have until it comes through. They are aware of my situation and that I am hoping to get a full time position soon. Financially I have no choice. I am doing computer work for the most part and I am making less than the receptionists where I work. That is hard on the ego. The rationale there is that, like them, I am only part time. I have no benefits of any kind. When I worked retail I did have sick days and it feels odd to be somewhere for over six months without any. This troubles me because if I do become sick, I will be burdened with worrying about the finances as well.
If you know anyone who is looking for a bright, mature woman who is dependable, has a great sense of humor and is versatile send them my way.I just learned how to collaborate documents today.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Serenity Sunday

Today it's a bit dismal and Duffy has napped most of the day which is unusual. Rob is taking a nap now and when he gets up we will go out for his belated birthday dinner. Nothing fancy and we will get home early enough to see the Super Bowl. I'm one of those people who don't really care for football. I will watch it to see the commercials and half time show though. Of course I will see that the proper snacks are available also.
I saw this in Meg's blog and I thought I would answer this because it had some unusual questions in here goes. I am not going to tag anyone but anyone who wants to take it and run with it feel free.............

1.You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Well, to be honest it's someone who I have life insurance on.....until next Fall. I think you all can figure that one out. :)

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. This would be a rapper that talks of violence....I cannot single one out.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?: The woman who lived with my ex husband for nine years and felt she could see him throughout the time we were married.

4. What is your favorite cheese? I love so many. Melted it would be mozzarella. Unmelted perhaps gouda.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Smoked turkey with mayo, lettuce and tomato on it. Preferably on a nice roll of some kind.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie-celebrity of your choice.We are talking no strings attached sex. Who would it be? When I was younger it would have been Michael Douglas. His looks have deteriorated though (while miraculously I have not aged at all lol!) There's none that I really lust after but Pierce Brosnan is easy on the eyes.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who is it? Bono

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy crap, a hundred bucks! What do you spend it on? Being the guilt ridden soul that I am it would be a charitable donation.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you going? IRELAND

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, where are you gonna go to spend that? nearest pub

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. "Be brand-specific", what is it? SKY VODKA....Cosmos forever wow.

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there? I am going back to the night I broke up with my first love. I would do it differently and admit that I still loved him. I would be kinder and gentler.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? Everyone must be honest.

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise? It's called COME CLEAN and it's a half hour show where people can talk about anything that has been bothering them for years.

15. What is your favorite expletive? HOLY shit

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies dont do anything they just stand there what do you do? Depends on if they are Egyptian mummies which would fascinate me. I would probably examine them like I was an anthropologist. Garden variety mummies would be avoided.

17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Have to be a photo album.

18. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?: Mind reading.

19. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool stuff... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Cozumel

20. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE: the bar at Chevys (this means moving closer to Princeton but I'll bite the bullet!)

21. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Who's house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude check it out I can float! Debbie's

22. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier have given you the ability to resurrect the dead person of your choice. Who is it? Mother Teresa

23. What's your theme song? Wild Thing...I make everything grooooovy. LOL

And (for Amy): Go Steelers!

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Events of the last 24 hours......

Yesterday was Rob's birthday. I got him "the best dart board made" according to the salesman in the gaming store. Of course, this was authenticated by the box which said the same thing. Rob seems to think it's really fine so I am pleased. We were both very tired. He said he was too tired to go out for dinner so we ate some delicious chicken francaise that my boss had given me left over from a catered luncheon she had. My parents showed up with a delicous and beautiful cake. This cake has a thick fudge filling in the center and squares of dark chocolate that melt in your mouth. My cake.....err I mean Rob's cake was outstanding.
This morning my parents went and got another Boston Terrier. They are naming her Lucy, which was the name of one they tried to adopt through a Rescue organization. There were 100 applicants for the other Lucy and they were very disappointed. My mother was set on a female. She felt guilty taking Lucy away from her sister and I suggested perhaps she should have adopted her as well and she could have been named Ethel. My grandmother doesn't think Lucy is the right name for her. She is campaigning for the name Macy. I feel badly for her because at 93 she misses her dog so much but knows she could not physically care for another dog. It's hard to accept limitations of any kind. I told Rob no matter how old you get, you just must be in denial about the realities of it. I told her that she is remarkable at her age. Every one tells her that. It's just that her constant companion is gone. This is a picture of my mother's new little girl "Lucy". I think she might like her more than me. :) But that's ok. Dogs don't stay out all night or talk back...or blame you for letting them marry the wrong person. Dogs love us unconditionally. I heart dogs.
Happy Birthday to my sister-in-law Jennifer today. She's a cutie and a real spit fire. Reminds me of me in my younger days! My best memory of Jennifer is at my wedding. She and I danced to the Unicorn Song. We made up our own dance and got rave reviews. As sister-in-laws go, she's a lot of fun. Love you baby sis. :) OX

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Feeling Groovy

Today I bit the bullet and went to the employment service. This is the same place that got me the job with the Fortune 500 company I used to work for. They had me do the paperwork, then take some computer tests to see if I am proficient in Word and Excel. If not they won't accept your application. I came through with flying colors. The lovely interviewer advised me to expect to be paid $4-$6 more an hour than I am currently being paid. I was elated. For the first time in many months I felt my self confidence surfacing. Remember the old Toyota commercial where the woman kicks up her feels and they say "Oh what a feeling". YES! My spirits soared at the thought of making a nice paycheck to meet all my needs and then some.
Perhaps for the first time in six years I might actually take a vacation. For our honeymoon we had ONE night away. I was having a shoulder problem and that night was with me pacing the floor in pain. Rob and I have taken some wonderful trips to New Hampshire where we stayed in a suite the size of a condo. I would like to go there again but more importantly, I want to take Rob to Ireland. Rob has NEVER flown. Picture me forcing alcohol and/or tranquilizers down his throat. He makes the frequent comment that he's not afraid to fly, but it's the crashing that worries him. I assure him, I was reluctant to take my first flight but my second flight was a lengthy ride to London. I love to fly. I love to travel. I love being able to do such things. It's been awhile but I am so ready to do it again.
Things are looking up. I know what I have to do and I have put the wheels in motion. There are many things in life that I cannot control. I accept that but I'm going to do all the things that I can to get things in order. I have a feeling that the best is yet to come. I don't know why I am so reluctant to face change because it usually has such positive results.