After the funeral it was harder and harder for Rob and I to be apart. His Dad passed away on March 22. The next few months I went to Rhode Island and we went to New Hampshire. One weekend we went to a gathering of the regulars from our chat room in North Carolina.(The above picture was taken then. May 2000) People were always calling us the "love birds" and saying how perfect we were together. We felt that too. My friends began to meet Rob and so did some of my family. Rob finally came to New Jersey and met my son during this time. I have to say that I was very nervous about that. Firstly, Rob is over ten years younger than me. I had my son when I was just 19. When my son met him he held out his hand and shook it. Rob was very respectful of my son and during his visits he stayed in the guest room. My son genuinely liked and came to respect Rob. He began to accept Rob as part of our family. Sometime during this period my son quit his job. I was very upset because I could not support the both of us. He came home and announced his Dad had given him a few thousand dollars to "tide him over". I was working all day and coming home to find that my son was eating me out of house and home, running up my phone bill, etc. I finally told him he either had to get a full time job or move elsewhere. His Dad eagerly told him he could live there and he moved out. For the next several months I was living alone for the first time in my life. It was wonderful and just what I needed. During that time I did a lot of self evaluating. I came to grips with the fact that I was a divorced woman. I had always been raised with a stigma about divorce. My parents were trying to convince me that I should be forgiving of my ex. I stopped trying to explain and I just began stating that I was now taking charge of my life and I backed away from family and friends who were not supportive.
Sometime in September Rob came for a visit. During this time we talked about living together. We were both still in our non marriage mode. We both felt that we were deeply in love with each other but wanted to be free (or so we thought.)
During that time Rob told me that he might go home and get his things and come back. I did not react well. In fact I felt sheer and utter panic. Looking back I realise that was very hurtful to Rob. At the time I couldn't see past my panic. Rob asked if I wanted him to leave right then and there and I told him no. I told him I couldn't consider the possibility of making any commitment.A few days later he left and I knew he was still upset.
I tried to call him for days. His mother answered and said he wasn't there. I finally asked her if she was being truthful and she said she was. He was painting a mural on his cousin's wall. I tried calling him there. He refused to pick up a phone. During this time I turned to my friend Diana for advice. (She is a drug and alcohol counselor among other things and has tremendous insights.) She really wouldn't advise me one way or the other but told me a few things to think about. What was worse: my fear OR actually losing Rob because of my fear? I had to face facts that perhaps I would lose him now. I finally called him at work when he was forced to take the phone call. I was crying and explained to him that I did love him but was paralyzed by my fear. When he heard my voice I could tell it got to him. He agreed to call me that night. That night he explained that he had begun to feel differently. Maybe he wasn't ready for marriage either but he knew that he wanted to spend his life with me on whatever terms we agreed to. I was terrified. All I could think of was thatI had spendtso many years getting out of a bad situation and now I was heading into another serious commitment. At the same time, a part of me thought so hard about what would my life be like if I let Rob go? How precious would my freedom be if I had to know that somewhere out there was possibly my soul mate but that fear had kept me from him? It was a lot to process but slowly I did. I asked Rob to come back and I knew that I was going to have to take a chance. I knew now that I was a much stronger person and that no matter what I would survive. It was nearly a month before he came back.
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