Monday, January 23, 2006

Valentines


I was looking in a journal earlier today and the couple have already exchanged their Valentines Day gifts. Nice gifts I might add. Valentines Day has a special significance for me. When I met Rob it was the evening of February 12, about 8 p.m. to be precise. We went out to a nice restaurant for dinner and for the first time in several years, I relaxed.
Prior to meeting Rob I was one anxious person. In fact, anxiety was the final straw that ended my weak marriage. I was having attacks more and more frequently and I had no support from my ex. He acted like it was nothing and considering his degrees were in psychology, you really had to wonder. I remember the day where I KNEW I had no choice but to get out. I was having several attacks a day and had begun to see a psychiatrist. He told me that it was because of a marriage I knew I wanted out of. The morning of the last straw (which quite honestly may well have been the worst day of my life) I awoke early with all the symptoms of a full blown panic attack. I was feeling utterly desperate and begged the ex to take a day off and stay home with me. He had acrued HUNDREDS of days that he never took off because frankly, he didn't want to be home. The thought of being alone terrified me and I begged him and begged him not to leave. Finally, in sheer desperation, I told him that if he left I might not be alive when he got home. He laughed and told me not to leave a mess. He rushed out past me without any sign of concern. That's when I KNEW. I was alone....totally alone. I was married to someone who would have had more compassion for a stranger. I sat on the sofa all day that day. I never got dressed. All I did was think of all my options. In the end, I vowed to reach down and find the strength that was alluding me. I had to find it, and I had to make it on my own. It was the first step towards regaining my life. Thank God I took it. My anxiety improved steadily as I took those steps to regain control that had been taken away from me. I understand now that I allowed that to happen. It's a mistake I will never duplicate.
Sometime later I met Rob and I could see he was a laid back kind of a guy. He didn't want anyone controlling him, nor did he want to control anyone. We just WERE. Two people who shared similar backgrounds. I am a strong believer that the core of any great relationship is friendship. We had that. We were both regulars in a chat room and had spoken for hours to each other and others. On Valentines morning we had breakfast together and I left to come home. At the time Rob had been out of work. When I arrived home he had put a ring he had worn that I liked into my cosmetic bag when he used the bathroom. It was something small but it spoke volumes about how caring he was. Slowly, I began to trust a bit at a time. Little would I have guessed that weekend, that some years later I would marry this man. At that point I was terrified of another relationship. I just wanted a good friend or perhaps boyfriend. In August of 2002 just minutes before our ceremony took place I was standing in a hallway with my childhood best friend. I started to cry. "Are you sure this is what you want?" she asked. "Absolutely. There's NO DOUBT in my mind and that makes me happier than you can imagine."
This is why I love life so much. Just when you think there's no way out......you find a way. There is always hope and there is always a chance that if you try just one more time, you may be a winner.

4 comments:

IndigoSunMoon said...

Nelle,
I'm so happy that you have Rob. He seems like a wonderful man, and you two just mesh together. I know I get mad at Scarlett sometimes, but I swear that woman would do anything in the world for me. When you find someone like that, you hold on to them and never let go.
Love you,
Connie

AlbGlinka said...

Love the floating hearts! How do you guys do that? Ryanagi has cool snowflakes...

Your relationship with Rob is always so inspiring to hear about. It amazes me actually that you met via a chat room. The gay chat rooms are usually so sex-oriented, I can't handle them.

jennifer said...

They say for every one of us, our other half is just out there waiting for us to find them.

I'm so glad you and Rob both found yours.

blhater said...

What a beautiful story with a happy ending. It is encouraging to hear about someone meeting the person that is meant for them. Nice to know true love is still out there. Wishing you and Rob the best always.