Serenity Found Me Today

Today was a relaxed day. I had a nice glass of wine as I loaded some music into my laptop which is now a year old. I got a blackberry last weekend and I am trying to get some music together to load into that. It was so odd, my grandmother's estate was finally settled. I didn't get a lot of money but for the past year extra money has been rare so we splurged. We each got the blackberry torch (a great deal I might add) and I finally have internet on my phone. I also got two pairs of boots which were badly needed.

Yesterday a respiratory therapist came and delivered my Cpap machine. They name is discomfort. This is what the mask looks like and it is fastened to your head with two separate elastic bands. The top one dug into my head but if it is too loose then there is no seal and the air leaks out. Grrrr. I only made it an hour and a half last night. Going to try to do better tonight. She said it would take time. Perhaps in a year or so...lol.

I am still in my pajamas. My ex went bonkers if I didn't get dressed early in the morning. When I didn't feel well it was really difficult. I am so glad that my life has changed in so many ways. I have freedom to do what I want. Rob never tries to boss me around. He accepts that I am his equal and that I am perfectly capable of making whatever decisions I might need to. Even when I make decisions that he is unsure of, he supports me.

I have had to make some decisions lately that have been difficult and lead to some family upsets. Due to my health I will not be going to my parents for Thanksgiving. My Mom refuses to use her dishwasher and she is getting very bad about washing her dishes. It's a chance I just cannot take. I have tried taking over plastic things and it just doesn't work. My mother understood but my sister was upset, feeling I wasn't making enough of an effort. Well, last year I missed a total of 7 months of work due to illness. I no longer have FMLA and if I go out sick again I can be let go. Sorry, these are chances I cannot take. If I get sick taking precautions, then so be it but I won't put myself in harms way.

Never having been sick a day in her life, she cannot understand what I am going through. I get that but I told her she needs to stop expecting things of me that I cannot give. I am willing to send dinner over to them but not cart an entire meal. My mother has about a dozen steps to get to her front door. I gasp for air and that's without carrying anything! I am on one new med that has helped, at least some of the time. In two weeks the cardiologist will consider changing another med I have been on, thinking it is now part of the problem. We shall see.

Christmas is coming. I refuse to stress myself. From here on out it's about enjoying the moments. I am going to work each day and my down time will be spent doing what I need to do for me first. After that I will be happy to help friends and family, providing it doesn't have a negative effect on my health.

I feel like I am in a good place.

Have a great Thanksgiving. We all have so much to be thankful for: a roof over our heads, food on our tables, love of family and/or friends, and I am grateful for technology which lets me communicate with you. I am so very grateful to Rob, always there, never complaining and just loving me. It doesn't get better than that. My prince came. He wasn't tall or rich but he was honest and kind and loving. I can't imagine how I would have made it through the last five or so years without him. I think I'll keep him. :)

An Update

For several months after I expected to see improvement in my breathing, I have struggled constantly if I was moving. A few weeks ago I went to them all to pick up some gifts and barely made it to two stores. By this time I was unable to make it back to the parking lot and my car. A visit to the lung doctor told me it was not a lung issue. In fact, she said my lungs sounded good and the oxygen function had improved from the previous visit. She suggested I see my cardiologist. (For those of you who might not have been reading my blog at the time, six years ago I had heart surgery to replace my aortic valve with a mechanical one.) Since then other than an occasional bout of tachycardia I have been fine. Okay, there was the one episode of endocarditis but it was a different valve and antibiotics cleared that right up. My point is that my heart was functioning well.

On Monday night I saw my cardiologist and he was very upset after seeing me that I had not come sooner. I had cancelled on him, he had to reschedule me and my visit to him was two months later than he had requested. He said my heart had not pumped the fluid out of my body and he suspected I had a minimum of twenty pounds of fluid and that is why I was breathless and tired. I had this problem in the hospital immediately after the surgery but not since then. In the hospital I had over thirty pounds of fluid but laying in a bed wasn't experiencing any problems from it. Your heart is a pump and when it doesn't do the job as it should, that is congestive heart failure. It's not something that you die from quickly but over time it weakens. They are going to be watching me carefully now. I was put on lasix, a drug to remove the fluid and in twenty-four hours about twenty pounds of fluid came off. I can walk AND breathe at the same time. It feels so good.

I have never been one to take life for granted. Since my original diagnosis at age 23 I have known that life is fragile. Waking up each morning is a gift for me. I was shaken up at what the doctor said but I have survived so much and there is a lot of spunk left. I am not going to make any changes for now. I will be taking the prescribed lasix for certain. They are also going to try another medicine and get me off my current blood pressure medicine which may make this problem worse. I am glad to know what the problem is and that there are things we can do to make it better. I expect to be feeling so much better and that brings me great relief.

If you have your health, don't take it for granted. It is something so precious and no amount of money can buy it. Life is good. Enjoy it. :)

Chugging On

I am so tired. I wake up tired...drag through the day and crawl exhausted into bed. This is not how I planned to live my life. There are many reasons I am like this. A sleep study showed that I do have sleep apnea but they told me it would be about two weeks before I would hear from the doctor and I am still waiting.
I am coughing again...and wheezing. The breathlessness is so bad at times that I cry out of sheer frustration. Other days it is not so bad and that makes me crazy wondering WHY? Tomorrow I go to the cardiologist and I feel that is a big waste of time. He never does anything that helps. The only reason I still go is that he monitors my coumadin and I have to have someone who does that.
I am sick of thinking about/dealing with health issues.

I have been at my present employer for three years. I was told I would increase my hours off each month. Have not seen the increase yet and I am eagerly waiting for it. For the past three years I have only had 10 hours off each month. That is for ALL days off; sickness, emergencies, vacation etc. I have never had one day off during that time for vacation. It has all been used for illness. Right now I have one day left which I am planning to use for the day after Thanksgiving. IF I get sick before that day then I will have to work that day.
All my family and friends have off and it is torture to work that day. I am so hoping to have it off. By the way if I call out sick the day before or after a holiday I don't get paid either. Once I was so sick I had no choice and sure enough I was not paid for the holiday. I understand why companies need rules but sometimes people cannot plan their illnesses, OR emergencies.

I went to my friend Pati's this morning. It was a brief visit with me dropping off stuff for her new place. Long story but she got herself in a bad situation
and ended up leaving all her stuff in Florida to get back to family and friends and away from a bad situation. Starting over in your fifties is rough. I was happy to share extra sheets and other things to make this place feel like home.
Her granddaughter was there visiting her. What an adorable child with long, curly red hair. I took her a few items too. I am searching for a mommy and me apron set to give them and I have a gingerbread house kit that I am taking them. Also trying to find an inexpensive cd player and some Christmas music. Most of my best childhood memories are with my beloved grandmother. I recently got a check from her estate. I am trying to use a portion of it to help others. That was what my grandmother spent her entire life doing. She never had a nice pair of shoes and we cried when we saw that many of her shoes had holes in the bottom but if she knew of a child who needed food she was at the store getting them groceries. She lived in a modest home, dressed modestly and was a humble woman but when she died all who knew her praised her life of service to others. I still miss her terribly and I think I always will. I hope to be a small part of the example she lived on a daily basis.

Greetings and Salutations

I haven't been blogging much. Truth be told, I have been so tired that I am barely making it to work each day. Many, many changes at work. The first two years I worked there I had the same boss. I went out on disability (2nd bout of pneumonia) and returned to a new boss. Out again three months later and when I returned, yet another new supervisor. Huge adjustments for me. I have been back about four months and just gotten used to this supervisor when she announced last week that she has been promoted. Not even sure who our new boss will be. Her assistant is going out for the month of December and I am nervous about who we will go to with problems.

Last week I had a doctor's visit then the sleep apnea study. I was so tired at work last Friday I could barely function. This week has been another stressful week. Last night I came home, just wanting to relax and Rob went to my mother's to pick up something. He returned with check. This was some of her money from her mother's estate. I understand inheritance but I would much rather be given money from someone during their lifetime. I have decided to do a few good things for others with at least part of the money. I have a friend who just moved into a modest home (I cried all the way home after seeing it.) I am going to find her Mommy and me aprons for her and her granddaughter. I will also take her baking pans and supplies for her to make Christmas cookies and I will take everything for them to make a gingerbread house. I will have vicarious pleasure. Perhaps get some pictures of them which can begin an album for Kayla. Kayla lives with her Dad who has custody of her. She is a young six years old and started school this year. It's hard for a little six year old to understand why Mommy doesn't show up for things like other Moms. Her Grandma plays a key role in her life. I think Santa will leave a few things hidden under her Grandma's tree (perhaps another gift.) For the first time, I am excited about Christmas this year.

Fox was off of our cable station for nearly two weeks. They are finally back and I am going to view tonight's shows. Tomorrow is Friday. Can't wait.

Still alive and kicking

I guess it's been two weeks since my last update. Sorry but life is moving so quickly and very unpredictable right now.
Work has been chaotic and stressful. Last weekend my aunt came to visit my Mom for about five days, then my sister came for the weekend and on her last day here my older brother came from upstate New York.

For awhile my back has been in pain. Not a sharp pain but a constant ache. The worst time was when I woke up in the morning. I couldn't even stand up straight. Last Saturday I went to the doctor to see what, if anything, could be done.
He referred me to an osteopath which I saw on Wednesday. He told me that my muscles all along my spine were very tense and some in knots. He did some manipulations to help them relax. He also prescribed anti inflammatories as opposed to the muscle relaxants the first doctor had prescribed. I began taking them and when I woke up the following morning I was in so much pain. I was wondering about the saying things get worse before they get better. The next day and since then my back has improved significantly. I go back to him in another week for a follow up visit.

This weekend was very low key for us. Rob didn't feel well Friday or yesterday. He slept a lot more than usual. We did go to the grocery store this morning for things we desperately needed but other than that it's been all about vegging.

Our Cablevision is really annoying us as well as it's other customers. We overpay ridiculously and they never give credit even when it's due. Our DVR makes noise constantly and their tech told us that they all do this. Now they have lost all the FOX network shows which we watch. If this isn't rectified by early next week I will switch to the dark prince Verizon Fios. All these companies are ridiculous. It's okay for them to overcharge their costumers but when they are faced with paying out top dollar they put a message on asking customers to complain to the station owners. I am not bundled because I refuse to have a phone that might not work and I pay a ridiculous amount of money just for the cable tv.
I am willing to walk away after this being the third time we have gone through this with them.

Well, time to sit back and veg a little more before the work week begins. On Thursday afternoon I see my lung doctor again. My lungs sound good I am told but I am still very short of breath.

Serene Sunday

Yesterday was a bit hectic and neither of us were feeling well. Still I made it to the hospital for my check of the blood thinner I take and to the tailor to pick up the jeans I just had hemmed. I stopped by my parents after that. My Dad sleeps more and more these days. His voice is so weak and I wonder sometimes does he have moments of clarity and realize what has happened to him? He never indicates that he does. He was always as strong as an ox and I will never get used to seeing him so helpless.

Rob and I watched The Blindside on tv. That was a good movie.

I am so saddened at what happened to Tyler Clementi, the young Rutgers student who took his own life. I hope the roommate is prosecuted for a bias crime. He needs to be made an example of. To tape and broadcast ANY sex act of another person is dispicable in itself. To do this to someone, a young man, in this cruel and gayphobic world is even worse.
My heart aches for the family and friends of this talented musician. Bullying also needs to stop. I have a close friend whose son took his own life. He was being bullied and being labeled by others. He was so young but couldn't bare the pain of it all. I wish people could wake up and teach their children to be tolerate and kind of others. My son never heard the slang words which label people. I remember when he went to school coming home and asking what words meant. I told him they were words that he didn't need to know or use, ever. I am proud that he judges people on their actions (meaning how they treat animals and other people) not by their color, ethnicity or sex. He was exposed to all kinds of people and he often chastised others who didn't treat peers respectfully. While other people's goals were to have their child in a prestigious college, mine were to raise a good person who cared about others.

My personal chef, Rob has prepared a dinner that is perfuming the entire house. A pot roast with "ROOT' vegetables.
We both took a short nap today and I have caught up some on my sleep. The weekend as usual has gone too fast but another will be here before we know it. Have a good week.

Saturday Wind Down

Had a really bad attack of IBS in the wee hours of the morning but I was able to go back to sleep finally about 5 and slept until 9. got up and jumped right into what needed to be done. So many errands: took new jeans I got at TJ Maxx to tailor to have about three inches cut off the pants legs. It's hard being 5 2. Rob drove me and we stopped in a pizzeria and I got a salad and he got bruschetta pizza that looked so good. After that we ran to the grocery store and it seemed we just did a fill in kind of order but it still came to $120.00. I did get two bouquets of fresh flowers that I love. Sometimes I just treat myself because I do work hard for the money. We came home and I loaded up the dishwasher and turned it on and started in on the laundry. While that was going I sat down and paid bills. Amazing how quickly $1600.00 goes out the window. A mortgage payment and a few other bills add up quickly. I was happy to see that the hospital refunded me $100.00 on my credit card. I also made a call a few weeks ago and got my primary insurance to pay $250.00 for a bill they processed as out of network. Come on guys, you paid to have a line put in my arm but then want me to pay to have it removed? I am on blood thinner and didn't think having a home health visiting nurse yank it out sounded like a good idea. Last time when it caused a major problem you spent thousands on an ER visit so this was a bargain for you. Really.

Next I cleaned out my refrigerator and sent dinner over for my parents. Chicken and biscuits which Dad loves. Also fresh cooked green beans. We had dinner and I just got done with the clean up and the laundry is about ready to fold now.

Rob has also been keeping busy doing things for me. He put the garage back together after I dismantled an area to find a box to mail our nephew a birthday gift in. Adam was so happy with what we sent and pronounced me a shopping goddess. I got him a nice pair of jeans and hooded flannel shirt from Macys and Rob got him two books he loved.

Not sure what's on the schedule for tomorrow. We did most of what we needed today so maybe it will be a day to kick back and take it easy although we never seem to actually do that. There is always just too much to do on the weekends.

Hope you are having a good weekend. It was 88 today but tonight it will cool off. I so welcome the cooler weather.

The passing of time

This past year has flown by. For much of it I was so sick that the days unmarked. When I realized the other day that October 14th marks my grandmother's passing as one year then it hit me. I have been going through life on auto pilot much of the time.

About two weeks ago a problem I thought I no longer had reared it's painful and ugly head. IBS. With all the stress with my job, my Dad and my health issues it has been horrible. It is usually cycles of extreme constipation and then diarrhea. I have had the constipation issues and when your job has you accounting for each minute of your day, it only complicates things to the max. Anytime my body is straining concerns me because of my heart valve. Add that stress to the pile that I already have and it only excaserbates the problem.

The past three weekends have been ones where I had to stay home or be at the doctor's or ER. Last night I was afraid I was heading down that path again but after drinking some herbal teas and pacing the floor half the night it seems relief may be in sight. I certainly hope so. It's sunny and beautiful and my sister is in town. I want to get over there and visit for awhile today. I want to have some hours where Rob and I can just relax and communicate about anything other than health issues. On a positive note, Rob's hours changed. I am thrillled about that. He was having to get up at 5:30 a.m. to start his 7 a.m. shift. I could have slept another hour and a half but being the light sleeper that I am his alarm woke me and I was not able to go back to sleep. Now he can get up at 6:30 which means we can have an hour longer to sleep in. With getting up so early we weren't even able to stay awake for the ten p.m. shows we watched.

One of my young cousins, Christie, started a gratitude blog. I read it each day and marvel at how this young lady has turned her life around. She had some rough years but now has a husband, baby and a good job and she appreciates each and everything so much. I am trying to follow her example and think each day of one thing to be grateful for. I know I have so many. Sometimes the health issues overwhelm them and they become my entire focus. This is not good. We cannot change circumstances, only how we react to them. Each day I try to think of something I am happy about.
This week at work we got a raise. It was small but at least it was something. While some people are losing their homes I have a job. When I am too ill to work I have temporary disability to fall back on. These are all positives.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND AND THINK OF ONE THING YOU ARE GRATEFUL FOR TODAY.
Have I mentioned lately I am grateful for all of you who follow my blog? I am, more than you will ever know.

Small Update

I have been neglecting my blog and everything else this week.
On Friday last I was in the emergency room with potassium that was too high. I sat around last weekend like a slug trying to get some energy and struggled to make it through the days at work. Was feeling better yesterday and so relieved it is Friday today. I am actually runnng late getting ready for work but wanted to post an update of sorts.

Last week we noticced my Dad could no longer follow our voices with his eyes. His speech, the few words he said were fewer and inappropriate for our questions and then he lost the ability to hold a spoon and feed himself at all. It is heartbreaking to watch. On Sunday the head nurse of the agency came and verified he had another stroke. He has lost a lot of ground this time. This is his third major stroke in 18 months. I have to marvel that his body survives them. At this point, to survive them is a betrayal of his body. He has lost any quality of life that he once had. They have arranged now for hospice to come. There is a DNR order and they will keep him comfortable but no heroic efforts and I am very comfortable with that. My mind is constantly distracted with thoughts of how much longer he will behere and how my mother will handle it. She lost her mother less than a year ago and I don't believe she had dealt with that at all.

I feel ready for him to leave us. Yet I know when the moment comes it will be very sad. Not for the man he is now but for the young father who was so proud of his children and always made me feel protected. He was never perfect and I would not portray him as such. Still, I have felt a slow but continuous loss over this entire time. I just pray that his end comes peacefully for all our sakes.

September 3rd

Today is September 3rd and the twentieth anniversary of my son's diagnosis with leukemia. I remember the day, what I was wearing, the phsyical pain in my body immediately after being told. At the time they told us he was double high risk. His age was a huge factor against him. IF you are under five or an adolescent you are at much higher risk for survival. That was the day I met my friend Paula Grandin.Her son was in the next room having been diagnosed earlier that week. It would later turn out that my son Tom was "lucky" to have ALL or childhood leukemia. Danny had AML which was harder to treat. I am still in contact with Paula who moved away to the South.

My world changed so much that day. I would never again see it as the place that had previously felt so much safer.

We are so very fortunate. Tom survived. I do believe that my research in the medical library, contacting doctors at both Memorial Sloane Kettering and NIH had something to do with it. Ihad to make a serious decision as to the protocol he would be given. The doctor felt the standard would not be enough for him. There was no sibling for a bone marrow transplant. I had already had cancer myself so I couldn't be considered for a donor. There was new protocol which was much stronger. It could cause many other problems. I had to go for it. My son had ONE chance and I wanted him to have all the artillery he could. One side effect of that protocol was he got an infection in his leg. It was very serious and he went septic and ended up in ICU for several days. He was in so much pain. At that time I began to question my decision but reassured myself it would be okay.

At the tiime I was still married to his father. His father couldn't handle it at all. He ran from the hospital the day they told us he was not in remission and things looked bleak. He didn't come back for over a month. (The first four months Tom had to be inpatient due to many reactions and complications.) I slept in a recliner by his bed the entire time. He was afraid for me to leave him and frankly I just couldn't.

The outcome is good. Tom is still here. Honestly, he underwent some changes both physically and mentally. He has never been the same in some ways. He is here though. Still with us. I have to believe I made the right choice. Still, September 3rd is a very rough day for me. Going to work now and hoping it's a good distraction.

Two more days of work then three days of relaxation

This week is going by slower than most. Two more week days before three days off.
My work is more stressful than it was a few months ago. They have let people go and the workload of those remaining has increased. Our work has a strict attendance policy and most people are let go for calling out too much. On Oct. 22 I will be with this company for three years. At that time I will get more paid time off and I am so looking forward to that.
I am receiving medical bills from all the out of network provider. I think there is a mistake because so far my insurance had paid NOTHING to them. I need to call but they are only open during my work hours which is a big problem. During my week day I get two fifteen minute breaks and a half hour for lunch. The time is strictly monitored. There really isn't time for a phone call. Not when you are also using this time for bathroom visits and obtaining food and drink. There are many positive aspects to my job as well. Like a steady paycheck. I am so thrilled when I get holiday pay. Last year I was out on short term disability and missed all that. This year I want to take full advantage of it. :)

Well time to get dressed. I have been awake for two hours, cleaning up the kitchen, doing my computer games such as Farmville and catching up on emails/blog reading. The weekend is coming and I am so ready for it. Have a good day!

Anniversary Thoughts....and Wedding Moments

Today is our eighth anniversary. Marrying Rob is one of the few things I have never regretted.
I have three distinct memories of that day that I treasure.
One was my childhood best friend looking at me before we walked into the room and I began to cry. "Second thoughts?" she said. "Deb, these are tears of happiness." (Mind you I have only shed tears of happiness three times in my life. Once when I held my son for the first time. Secondly, when my son finally went into remission on the final day where we still were given hope. Thirdly that moment right before I walked down the aisle.) The second moment forever in my mind was when Rob saw me. He was waiting for me across the room and we met in the middle and walked up the aisle together. He grabbed his heart and smiled from ear to ear. It was a moment to make any bride feel the most beautiful ever.
During our reception Rob's baby sister Jennifer came over and we danced. I had them play several Irish songs and one was the "Unicorn Song." Jen and I alone swept the dance floor and had the best time. After that she proclaimed us the unicorn sisters. I was the big unicorn sister and she the little unicorn sister. We gave each other unicorns for gifts and I still have a lovely pink one in my bedroom. We had such joy. She had told me earlier in the year that if her brother didn't propose she was going to because she simply had to have me in her family.
I miss Jen and think of her often but that is my favorite memory of her.
When people take vows, they never anticipate what might happen. About two years later Rob had to support me through open heart surgery. I was in intensive care for a week and it took me a year to fully recover. After that there were many other things to deal with. Rob has had his hands full supporting me. He has never complained. He got angry when one of our neighbors came over and was complaining about having to care for her sick husband. When Rob left the room she told me that he had to resent all my health issues. I just smiled and told her that when people truly love you, they are not thinking of themselves but only you. She said "Then I guess I don't love K."
I know this. I love Rob and Rob loves me. No one can change that. I wish more people could know the kind of love we have felt for each other. The world would be a better place.
Thank you Rob for the ten years you have always been there for me. There has never been a moment I have not felt loved. The last decade has been the hardest in many ways but because of you I've survived it and had great joy. You are the only person who could finish my sentences for me, and the odd thing is you were doing that after I had known you only a month! When I find it hard to keep going, I make myself because of you. You make it all worth while.

Weekend Activity

This weekend we vowed to take it easy. Thursday at work I ate a salad that literally set me on fire. It has buffalo chicken pieces in it (small) and it was served in a taco bowl which I nibbled a little of. By dinner time I was in pain and the evening found me doubled over. Friday I made it into work and worked through the pain but it was not easy. Saturday I called the doctor and went in. Now the pain seemed to radiate into my side and make sleeping difficult. He touched my stomach in several places and found one spot that set me into intense pain. He told me I have an ulcer. Put me on some medicine for 14 days to heal it as I eliminate certain things from my diet. YIKES.

I am much better today some 24 hours later. I am making the very mild but homemade mac and cheese for supper.
Rob loves it anyway. Always make an extra for my parents who rave over it. Otherwise, taking it nice and easy....really looking forward to next weekend, three days. Just found out my sister is coming Thursday to my Mom's and staying through the day Monday. I sense shopping in my future. We shop for homegoods more than clothes these days. The older I get the more I appreciate, have a friend in my sister. Noone else knows what I am going through with my Dad like she does. She loves Rob and he enjoys the brotherly attentions he receives. We still miss Rob's sister so much. Even though we lived far away she emailed and called and always made us laugh. Sometimes you don't know what you have 'til it's gone. I know....I know that I am fortunate to still have her and I am happy to share her with Rob.

Tired and Getting Plenty Done

I really struggled to finish out my week at work this week. I have a small work cubicle and at times I have to get things I store below the desk top. I got dizzy several times doing that. Then I had some rather rambunctious customers on the phone who felt they needed a scapegoat to unleash on. Sorry but I just let that roll off my back which makes them even angrier. On the other hand I was able to assist two customers (businessmen) who thanked me profusely and told me how great I was at my job. Those are the calls I will dwell on. One Rangers fan even forgave me for my devotion to the Devils. (For anyone who might not know those are hockey teams who are real rivals.)

Saturday I was up bright and early running errands, getting blood work, mailing bills. My sister came to Jersey to help out with my Dad. Caring for him is proving more and more of a challenge to my 78 year old mother. We help as much as we can but with working full time and running our own home, our time we have is limited. Dad is getting weaker by the day and it's hard to watch his slow decline. At times he becomes agitated and cusses like a sailor. (He was in the Navy so it's appropriate. ) My Mom always forbidded any "four letter words" so she falls apart. His aides were called SOBs and she was embarassed. I have explained to her repeatedly that they are trained to recognize dementia and see it in many patients. All three of the people currently helping out with Dad are from Guayna. It's amazing how often they go there to visit their families. At these times it becomes increasing difficult to get someone there at least twice a day. Mind you, Mom pays for all of this care out of pocket. The minimum is three thousand dollars per month. She is worried about money although I assured her today that she still owns property and a farm she could sell if need be. I told her that at their ages (Dad will be turning 88 in October) I can't see them running through their money. My sister left to go home at six a.m. this morning and my mother fell apart. My sister works full time and has a daughter leaving for college tomorrow. We are all so proud of her daughter who will be going to pharmacist school. She has been working in chemical research while completing her master's. She is a wonderful person who always has a smile for everyone. She tried to get into a closer school but was offered a position in Chicago and Atlanta and she chose Chicago. Flights are not cheap but I promised to help if necessary so she can be with us at Christmas, she has been every year.

Rob's computer is getting a much needed "tune up" depending on the outcome of what they tell us, we may have to buy another computer this week. If they can fix the old desk top we will still get him an inexpensive laptop. I wish we could afford a nice Mac for him but not at this time. My plan is to continue to pay off medical bills and money I owe my company for benefits they kept for me while I was out. I figure by December I will be caught up. Oh happy day.
Well, it's been a restful weekend for the most part. I hate Mondays but I know the weeks fly by and another weekend will be here before we know it. Have a good week everyone.

Small Update

Yesterday I managed to leave work a few hours early so I could get the chest xray I have needed. Who knows what they will figure out about the "new thing" on my right lung? I figure it is most likely scar tissue and if it is something else I will deal to when I have no other option.

Today is lovely, much cooler than it has been. Rob has gone to the local flea/farmer's market to browse. Too much walking for me and besides I am going to tackle this kitchen floor. White kitchen floors when you have two animals who use your sliding glass door dozens of times a day, simply don't mix. Duffy is shedding his winter coat and there is dog hair which I sweep and vacumn nearly every day. Today he is going to the groomer who will get a lot of it off.

My neighbor came over last night for a visit, bringing a bottle of TGIF margaritas. They don't compare to Chilis but I was tired and they were free so I had a few. Lots to do this weekend as usual. So many things get ignored during the work week and pushed back for the weekend.

Well, enough procrastinating. I simply must have breakfast and get busy on this floor. I am actually bringing out the heavy artillery, the bucket and scrub brush. Wish me luck.

Still Here and Functioning

I have been so exhausted I have neglected blog entries. I go to work and come home, eat, perhaps watch an hour of tv and go to sleep. Monday to Friday that's the drill.

I find it so difficult to get from my car to my desk. I get winded and have to stop repeatedly (sometimes I actually feel faint) and then people all rush over and ask if I am okay. Soooo embarassing. I feel like I most apologize for my lungs.
Cripes. When I have training I have to walk all the way across the entire building and I am terribly worn out. Best of all, I am doing everything with every minute of my day accounted for (literally). Sometimes I wonder if it can possibly be worth it. Wouldn't I be better off living in a hut somewhere eating food I grew or found? I'm just not that earthy. I can hardly take camping with the bugs. I need my laptop and internet and some good earrings. Sorry but my hippie ways of baking my own bread have been replaced with being content to buying multigrain bread.I do still prefer hand crafted earrings though.

As though the lung issues weren't enough, the job stress is shooting my sugar levels up. This causes me to feel dizzy. Nothing like being on the phone with a customer who is screaming at you while you're feeling dizzy. Lord have mercy. The other day I actually had a customer who was so angry that throughout the call she tried to find every way to insult me. Not the other company who she should have been made at, but me, personally. At the end of the call she wished me a "blessed day" and then called me some insults colored with curse words. Can you imagine?

Well I have to leave...just got done reviewing all my medical claims. I wouldn't mind so much if I FELT better. I am having my benefit money I owed while out taken out and paying on all the things I owe besides. I think I need a retreat but it would have to be really, really inexpensive. Oh and no bugs!

Relief at Last

Last night I felt as though I might have a total meltdown. The past few weeks have been very trying. I learned yesterday morning that a former coworker and mentor, a lovely young 42 year old mother of two sons passed away. She had relapsed with breast cancer about two years ago. I knew it was coming but you can never be prepared for these things. I had to go to work and get through a trying day there. I knew I had to get to the lung doctor as well who is only in her office on Thursdays.

I tossed and turned unable to sleep. In the end I had about three hours sleep and was mentally and physically exhausted. I was experiencing anxiety as well. I kept Rob awake also and he called out of work as did I. I called the lung doctor office and they squeezed me in for this afternoon. She said that my thyroid is full of small nodules, all of which appear to be benign. That will get ultrasounded periodically now. As far as the "new thing" on my xray from Sunday she said that she believes it's most likely some old stuff not yet cleared. Apparently my CT scan of a month ago shows the lungs are far from normal still. They need to go months with no problems to continue to heal and clear. As a precaution she wants me to get them xrayed again in two weeks. I feel somewhat relieved.

There is a memorial service for our friend tomorrow evening. She was very active in the community and they are expecting there to be lines of people. I will try to go. On Saturday morning there will be a mass said for her and I plan to make it to that. Her friends and family are staring a theatre group in her memory for children. She loved the theatre and was in many amateur productions. When I think of her I think of two things: her beautiful cascading natural curly hair and her huge smile. You will be missed Michelle.

A Small Slip of the Tongue (or Brain)

Friday night I was not feeling my best. On Thursday I left work early and went to see the internist. I told her I thought I had a sinus infection. She examined me and said she was reluctant to give me antibiotics and thought it was viral. She said to call her back Monday if I was not better or if I felt worse just to go to the Emergency Room. See, silly me thought that by seeing her I might avoid that. I came home and took two Benadryl had a good nights sleep of twelve hours and went to work on Friday feeling better. That night I began to cough again. Saturday I was pretty good and now using the prescription nasal spray which was supposed to do the trick. Saturday night I was coughing again and noticed a small amount of blood. For me this is a real red flag. Sunday I got up and felt okay then as the morning went on I was having several dizzy spells. Although I never had this happen before, I realized it was vertigo. After lunch I began thinking of how the doctors always tell me to seek early medical help and I decided I just should go to the ER so that on Monday I could go to work. We got to the ER and there were few people. I liked that. I was quickly taken to the back and checked out. A congenial doctor came to take my information and asked me to tell him "what was going on". Little did he know he was in for a history lesson. I began to tell him and I was thinking of how I shouldn't leave anything important out and I explained that the infectious disease doctor said I should have blood cultures before receiving any antibiotics. Why he asked? OK here it goes, I actually said this "Because there could be an orgasm in my blood that keeps affecting me."

He looked at my husband and they laughed hysterically. It took another minute before I realized what I had said. OMG. ORGANISM...I meant organism. Then they really lost it. What a moment. I said "Thank God this has not been videotaped." Seriously. I am hoping this doctor does not have a blog. Is there a doctor website where they post the top funniest patient ER moments? The doctor brought the nurse in and insisted I repeat what I said to her. I was waiting for him to show up with janitors etc. but he took pity on me.

There is something still on my right lung. Small. Could be scar tissue. Lung doctor will check it out and in the meantime as a precaution against an orgasm, I was prescribed Levaquin. Now for the pain of embarassment I will go hide my head under the nearest pillow.

Some People Give Heart Attacks and Others Receive Them

I am afraid I will be the later. Sheesh today did not go well at all for me. Day started when I called my Mom and she repeated something to me better left not said. Then she goes on to tell me of a disagreement of annother family member. I leave for work feeling a bit shaken. (I hate when people are upset with me but tell others not me and then months later, my mother seems compelled to share this with me.) I resolve to straighten this out but have to go to work so put it on the back burner. I get to work and realize I have not eaten anything. I slept TWELVE hours last night, thanks to a large dose of Benadryl the doctor told me to take. I rush into the work cafe and grab and egg and bacon sandwich and cup of coffee then rush up to my desk. I am wearing a lovely silk top that was just dry cleaned. Within five minutes it has a nice circle of egg yolk on it. UGH! I then began to take phone calls when I receive emails from someone in my company who says I didn't show for a meeting. Huh? I go back through older emails and see she sent an email with NO DATE OR TIME. I then email her back explaning that she said I would be notified of the date/time. She tells me to come in the afternoon. Now the mild anxiety that I hold at bay is trying to overtake me and I struggle to keep it in check. Something else happened which was disturbing and I thought I was might be in trouble but I wasn't. I can't go into it for the privacy of my company or coworkers.

I get home and send an email hoping what my mother told me was exaggerated. She has the worst habit of repeating thing and messing them up. Oh dear God, thank you for letting me make it until Friday. There were times I didn't think I could get through the week. I am still waiting for the report of my last ultrasound since they found something in my CT scan. So far, no report has been received by either doctor. Today I thought about calling the radiology place but I just couldn't bring myself to make that call. Not today. Maybe next week.

Hello Friends

My blogging has slacked off for several reasons. I am back at work and I leave the house at 8 a.m. and do not get home until after 6 p.m. It's a long day and been an adjustment for me. I always have phone messages from friends (who I have repeatedly told my hours to) who seem surprised I am not here when they call.

This past weekend my mother went away for four days and my sister came to care for my Dad. Rob and I spent several hours there on Saturday and Sunday to keep her company. It's getting harder and harder to get reliable health aides. Somedays they don't want to be bothered to come and don't. Since my Dad is 200 pounds and like an infant who can't move his right side at all, and wears diapers this is a real problem. They have used three different companies. The aides want to come for three hours minimum but my mother gets upset because they want to change him, watch him eat then watch tv or text on their cell phones. She feels she should only pay them when they are working. The companies suggest that they can do "light" housework and we have encouraged her to have them do laundry, dishes etc. These agencies charge her $22.00 an hour but they pay the employees about $10 an hour. Now the agencies are refusing to send anyone for less than three hours so she is having them twice a day, where they used to come three times a day. She is very frustrated. The doctors never thought he would live this long. If you can call it living to be sitting in a chair that supports you like an infant and being able to speak few words (many of which are confused) and to be in diapers. My father would have hated for anyone to see him like this. My mother hates for people to come and just act like he isn't there asking her questions about him. We are just hoping the company will get more people who are more reliable (and strong enough to pull him out of his recliner and move him in and out of bed.)

There has been major upset with my husband's family. I won't go into it but it has caused us a lot of sleepless nights.
It seems when there are a lot of people hurting, everyone focuses on their hurt and not the hurt of others. I tried to make a phone call to smooth things over, but that didn't seem to go as planned. I have been so ill this year that I have made a decision that NO ONE will be allowed to damage my health. I try hard not to hurt people but I am open and honest. If people don't like that, I am going to have to accept that they don't like me and just let it go. It is so hard to watch someone you love hurting, and even harder to know there is not one thing you can do to make it better. All I can do is let him know that I love and appreciate him.

Well time to get to work. I woke up with a headache for the third straight day. Work has been going really well. I just kind of fell right back into the groove and adapted to the necessary changes.