Relief at Last

Last night I felt as though I might have a total meltdown. The past few weeks have been very trying. I learned yesterday morning that a former coworker and mentor, a lovely young 42 year old mother of two sons passed away. She had relapsed with breast cancer about two years ago. I knew it was coming but you can never be prepared for these things. I had to go to work and get through a trying day there. I knew I had to get to the lung doctor as well who is only in her office on Thursdays.

I tossed and turned unable to sleep. In the end I had about three hours sleep and was mentally and physically exhausted. I was experiencing anxiety as well. I kept Rob awake also and he called out of work as did I. I called the lung doctor office and they squeezed me in for this afternoon. She said that my thyroid is full of small nodules, all of which appear to be benign. That will get ultrasounded periodically now. As far as the "new thing" on my xray from Sunday she said that she believes it's most likely some old stuff not yet cleared. Apparently my CT scan of a month ago shows the lungs are far from normal still. They need to go months with no problems to continue to heal and clear. As a precaution she wants me to get them xrayed again in two weeks. I feel somewhat relieved.

There is a memorial service for our friend tomorrow evening. She was very active in the community and they are expecting there to be lines of people. I will try to go. On Saturday morning there will be a mass said for her and I plan to make it to that. Her friends and family are staring a theatre group in her memory for children. She loved the theatre and was in many amateur productions. When I think of her I think of two things: her beautiful cascading natural curly hair and her huge smile. You will be missed Michelle.

A Small Slip of the Tongue (or Brain)

Friday night I was not feeling my best. On Thursday I left work early and went to see the internist. I told her I thought I had a sinus infection. She examined me and said she was reluctant to give me antibiotics and thought it was viral. She said to call her back Monday if I was not better or if I felt worse just to go to the Emergency Room. See, silly me thought that by seeing her I might avoid that. I came home and took two Benadryl had a good nights sleep of twelve hours and went to work on Friday feeling better. That night I began to cough again. Saturday I was pretty good and now using the prescription nasal spray which was supposed to do the trick. Saturday night I was coughing again and noticed a small amount of blood. For me this is a real red flag. Sunday I got up and felt okay then as the morning went on I was having several dizzy spells. Although I never had this happen before, I realized it was vertigo. After lunch I began thinking of how the doctors always tell me to seek early medical help and I decided I just should go to the ER so that on Monday I could go to work. We got to the ER and there were few people. I liked that. I was quickly taken to the back and checked out. A congenial doctor came to take my information and asked me to tell him "what was going on". Little did he know he was in for a history lesson. I began to tell him and I was thinking of how I shouldn't leave anything important out and I explained that the infectious disease doctor said I should have blood cultures before receiving any antibiotics. Why he asked? OK here it goes, I actually said this "Because there could be an orgasm in my blood that keeps affecting me."

He looked at my husband and they laughed hysterically. It took another minute before I realized what I had said. OMG. ORGANISM...I meant organism. Then they really lost it. What a moment. I said "Thank God this has not been videotaped." Seriously. I am hoping this doctor does not have a blog. Is there a doctor website where they post the top funniest patient ER moments? The doctor brought the nurse in and insisted I repeat what I said to her. I was waiting for him to show up with janitors etc. but he took pity on me.

There is something still on my right lung. Small. Could be scar tissue. Lung doctor will check it out and in the meantime as a precaution against an orgasm, I was prescribed Levaquin. Now for the pain of embarassment I will go hide my head under the nearest pillow.

Some People Give Heart Attacks and Others Receive Them

I am afraid I will be the later. Sheesh today did not go well at all for me. Day started when I called my Mom and she repeated something to me better left not said. Then she goes on to tell me of a disagreement of annother family member. I leave for work feeling a bit shaken. (I hate when people are upset with me but tell others not me and then months later, my mother seems compelled to share this with me.) I resolve to straighten this out but have to go to work so put it on the back burner. I get to work and realize I have not eaten anything. I slept TWELVE hours last night, thanks to a large dose of Benadryl the doctor told me to take. I rush into the work cafe and grab and egg and bacon sandwich and cup of coffee then rush up to my desk. I am wearing a lovely silk top that was just dry cleaned. Within five minutes it has a nice circle of egg yolk on it. UGH! I then began to take phone calls when I receive emails from someone in my company who says I didn't show for a meeting. Huh? I go back through older emails and see she sent an email with NO DATE OR TIME. I then email her back explaning that she said I would be notified of the date/time. She tells me to come in the afternoon. Now the mild anxiety that I hold at bay is trying to overtake me and I struggle to keep it in check. Something else happened which was disturbing and I thought I was might be in trouble but I wasn't. I can't go into it for the privacy of my company or coworkers.

I get home and send an email hoping what my mother told me was exaggerated. She has the worst habit of repeating thing and messing them up. Oh dear God, thank you for letting me make it until Friday. There were times I didn't think I could get through the week. I am still waiting for the report of my last ultrasound since they found something in my CT scan. So far, no report has been received by either doctor. Today I thought about calling the radiology place but I just couldn't bring myself to make that call. Not today. Maybe next week.

Hello Friends

My blogging has slacked off for several reasons. I am back at work and I leave the house at 8 a.m. and do not get home until after 6 p.m. It's a long day and been an adjustment for me. I always have phone messages from friends (who I have repeatedly told my hours to) who seem surprised I am not here when they call.

This past weekend my mother went away for four days and my sister came to care for my Dad. Rob and I spent several hours there on Saturday and Sunday to keep her company. It's getting harder and harder to get reliable health aides. Somedays they don't want to be bothered to come and don't. Since my Dad is 200 pounds and like an infant who can't move his right side at all, and wears diapers this is a real problem. They have used three different companies. The aides want to come for three hours minimum but my mother gets upset because they want to change him, watch him eat then watch tv or text on their cell phones. She feels she should only pay them when they are working. The companies suggest that they can do "light" housework and we have encouraged her to have them do laundry, dishes etc. These agencies charge her $22.00 an hour but they pay the employees about $10 an hour. Now the agencies are refusing to send anyone for less than three hours so she is having them twice a day, where they used to come three times a day. She is very frustrated. The doctors never thought he would live this long. If you can call it living to be sitting in a chair that supports you like an infant and being able to speak few words (many of which are confused) and to be in diapers. My father would have hated for anyone to see him like this. My mother hates for people to come and just act like he isn't there asking her questions about him. We are just hoping the company will get more people who are more reliable (and strong enough to pull him out of his recliner and move him in and out of bed.)

There has been major upset with my husband's family. I won't go into it but it has caused us a lot of sleepless nights.
It seems when there are a lot of people hurting, everyone focuses on their hurt and not the hurt of others. I tried to make a phone call to smooth things over, but that didn't seem to go as planned. I have been so ill this year that I have made a decision that NO ONE will be allowed to damage my health. I try hard not to hurt people but I am open and honest. If people don't like that, I am going to have to accept that they don't like me and just let it go. It is so hard to watch someone you love hurting, and even harder to know there is not one thing you can do to make it better. All I can do is let him know that I love and appreciate him.

Well time to get to work. I woke up with a headache for the third straight day. Work has been going really well. I just kind of fell right back into the groove and adapted to the necessary changes.

You Say It's Your Birthday

the top of the popcorn tin..the sides have the same pictures on it over and over, I will keep this and use it for storage :)

My birthday (all my clothes, especially tops are too big for me but I can't replace everything. (pic to right)

Below pic taken today after I had my hair trimmed. These are peace sign flip flops and a bottle of Ed Hardy Sangria.

You can see that I am retaining fluid in these pics! Time for some Lasix.

Thank you for all who wished me a Happy Birthday on FB.

I am so fortunate to have so many friends and I appreciate you all.

Another Birthday, July 8th(part 1)

This was my birthday cake, strawberry shortcake, YUMMMY

This bakery puts a chocolate bar with your name on it too!

What a great birthday I had this year. My coworkers really showed me the love with a wonderful homemade card filled with many beautiful messages, a rose and a small cake. I also got balloons. When I got home I had this delish cake waiting for me and a package from my friend (who I met as a fellow AOL blogger) Jennifer. This lady knows me. She got me the tin filled with the most delicious popcorn and I am indulging and loving it! Rob got me a book, three small bands to be worn as one ring, and a SKIN IT for my laptop. Of course, he chose a peace sign theme. I also received a pair of peace sign flip flops, a bottle of Sangria, two flip flop frames that are magnetic and I can use at work and some moola.

laptop skin shown above....I love peace signs :)

Hope You Enjoyed Your Fourth of July

It was nice to have a long weekend. Of course, they always go by much too fast.
The night of July 2nd we headed down to the shore and ate a a "drive in" called Circus Drive In. You can actually eat under a tent like set up but it's all open. They had fresh seafood and I thought of my grandmother and how she loved her seafood. Her birthday would have been July 15th and for some reason I am thinking about this an awful lot.

I returned to work last week for two days. As last time, my desk was now occupied by someone else and my stuff (or most of it I should say) was left elsewhere. I found it but my garbage can was gone, and some other items that I purchased such as antibacterial wipes and a mirror were gone. My previous boss, a lovely lady, was promoted. That made me happy but the replaced her with a man that I really didn't know. He certainly was quite different than her or my previous boss. I was quickly told I would be moving to yet another team and after having cleaned up one work area, I went to another desk and cleaned things there. This new boss to me, is a young woman I have always liked and often wished I worked for. I see that as a positive. On her team is a man I like very much who I have much in common with. He is also diabetic and tends to watch out for me which I grately appreciate. There are some other people I like on the new team as well so I am optomisitic. This week will only be a four day work week for me, thankfully.

Yesterday we went to my parents house and my sister-in-law Stephanie provided a cold lunch for us all. I took a cake.
We had a nice lunch and lounged around chatting for several hours. We came home and were finishing watching the HBO miniseries about John Adams when half an hour from the end, we heard very close fireworks. I looked out and saw two of our favorite neighbors outside so I ran out. I love fireworks but was too tired to make the journey to see any. We had a short but lovely show and then they stood around our yard visiting. It was nice. Unfortunately, I got too stimulated and couldn't go to sleep when I came in. Laid awake for hours and today I have been exhausted. Early to bed tonight for sure.

I had an MRI before I returned to work. The pneumonia is pretty much gone but not one hundred percent yet. They told me it would take months. They found something else that will require me to have an ultrasound. I am not really worried but they feel that it must be addressed. Hopefully I can get that done this week, after work one evening.

Facebook Statuses That Were Posted THERE This Week

Father's Day is this Sunday I was trying to think of a way to honor my Dad. While his physical being is still with us, so much of what made him himself is gone. It's like you are mourning for someone who is still here and at times, you wish for HIS SAKE that it would end. My Dad would have never wanted to be alive like this. He has so little control over his body. It is difficult for us to care for him and even harder to get people you are paying to show up and do a good job.
The care is very expensive and it is a credit to him that he saved over the years to afford it when he needed it.

My Dad was from humble beginnings. He was born in Alabama and moved to Louisiana (he pronounced it Loosiana.)
He had a very controlling mother and at the age of 17 he left and joined the Navy. He never spent more than a few nights again with his parents until the last decade of their life when he built a new home with an apartment for them on it and moved them to NJ. Dad was not a goody two shoes and got in his share of trouble which for his privacy I won't get into.
Sometime around 1950 he met my mother who was a real goody two shoes. She still says he had been drinking when she first met him and she told him she would not approve of that. She took him to her church, made him quit smoking and drinking and married him shortly after, in an elopement. Two years later my oldest brother Jimmy was born. He was named after Dad and the pride of my father's eye. A few years later I was born and Dad was thrilled to have a girl. Mom wanted to name me Candy and there were actual items with that name embroidered on it but Dad at the last minute wanted to name me after my Mom's childless aunt so I was Nelle Claire. A few years later my brother Bobby joined us then my only sister, Dottie then six years later the baby David was born. Dad, an only child, ended up father to five! He always said he didn't want us to be lonely like he was. When the first four of us were born, was a chief petty officer in the Navy. He was stationed all over and much of that time we stayed with my grandparents. Eventually we built a house around the corner from them where we lived until Dad retired. When he retired he had to work two jobs to make it with the four of us. He had been a deep sea diver in the Navy and was somewhat of an expert about "the bends". He was offered a job in New York with Union Carbide. Later Mt. Sinai Hospital hired him away from them. This was the job he stayed in until his retirement years later. We went from struggling to living "high on the hog". Thing is, Dad made a bad investment and in 1971 almost lost everything. From that time on, he became a lot more conservative with his investments and didn't invest with cows again until his retirement when he purchased a 14 acre property and built a house on it. He was finally a farmer, what I think he had always wanted. His Dad died first but not before years earlier Dad saved his life by discovering a visible aortic aneurysm and rushing him into Sinai where a vascular surgeon performed the surgery. My grandmother had Alzheimer's and at some point had to be put into a nursing home. She nearly blew up the house one day, turning the gas stove on and gas was escaping.

After Dad's retirement he took it easy around the farm and began to visit jails. He took Bibles and tried to convince the men to turn their lives around. Many of them had children and he even lent some of them money. While I questioned his judgement, after his stroke three huge men were at the rehab and they told me that they had met him when they were in jail and he had a very positive impact on their lives. They stood there praying over him and crying and thanking him.

For Facebook, I decided to post some of the things my Dad did that I was grateful for. Today was the first posting:
I am grateful that my father was generous. He often treated those less fortunate than us and did so in a way that was not embarrassing for them.
These will be some other statuses that will be posted:
When other Dads drove around in boring station wagons, my Dad bought a 1968 cherry red Fire bird and everyone envied us in it!
Dad gave me "pearls of wisdom"
"hate is not the opposite of love...apathy is." (This was invaluable during my divorce)
Another pearl:
Love is not a feeling. It starts that way, but at some point it becomes a decision.

Dad loved to tell the story of my birth "They wheeled you out nekkid as a jaybird and I saw you for the first time."
(Dad had 5 kids but I was the only one whose birth he was there for.

When I was just two and got sun poisoning I started a high fever and became delirious. When Dad got home from work he was so scared he jumped into a bathtub full of cold water holding me. He was wearing his dress uniform.

Lastly, (and through tears)
After Dad's first stroke they took him to the hospital ER. I knew it was very serious after they had read the CT scan the doctor said that he would have to learn everything over. I looked down at him with tears in my eyes and he looked up and smiled and said "Oh babe. come on. It's not that bad." Oh Dad if you only knew what was ahead......

Happy Father's Day Dad. Thank you for all the good memories.

This and That

Last night was a real rough on here for me. I had gone with my mother a few weeks ago to the Dollar Store (her favorite place I think.) I needed a jar of roasted red peppers and they had one. I checked the expiration date and figured it was fine. The first time I had some in a salad I noticed I had stomach cramps and wondered if it was the peppers and then thought "nah". Yesterday I had some more and from 11 p.m. until 4 a.m. I was in the bathroom frequently. I am so tired and feel dehydrated today. Lesson learned: no more food from the dollar store. My mother buys lots of stuff there and has never had a problem but she doesn't have my immune system.

Rob worked this weekend. He worked all day last Saturday too. He never complains and just wants me to worry less about money. I worry about him not getting enough rest and working too hard. There was a huge sale at his warehouse and he got the "easy" job of directing traffic. He came home badly sunburned. I kept applying aloe to it and he took aspirin but he was hurting. I tried to be so quiet last night and let him rest. He is only working half a day today and taking the afternoon off as he is getting his yearly physical. I will be glad to grab a few extra hours with him. He is going to be working this Saturday also. I am disappointed that my sister who caused the chaos last week is coming also this weekend for Father's Day. It means she will be there at least until dinner time. I will go over whatever time she leaves. I told my mother I am in a drama free zone and anyone who can jeopardize that will be avoided.

Thinking I may go take a brief rest before Rob gets home. I am so tired today. Have a good week.

New Look

I decided I needed a new look for the blog. Thank you Missie for directing me to the site where I found this one. Pink (actually HOT pink) and green (almost a fuchsia) are my favorite colors. I find I always look for things in these colors. My house has the green kitchen but the rest of the house is not. I love my apple green kitchen walls and find them so peaceful.

It has been a hectic weekend. Some family upsets which have now been resolved. I got to be a peacemaker for once.

My sister was here and she is like the white tornado. Wish I had half her energy. My breathing problems are so very frustrating. Rob had made me a zen garden out back. Today I tried to go there (it's located at the base of the woods) but noticed so many weeds growing amongst the rocks. I leaned over to pick them and it's like someone knocks the wind out of me. The doctor tells me that I should keep moving and increase activity in order for them to get better. They are still healing and I realize now that they probably never healed from the Fall. I say this to myself throughout the day

"Patience grasshopper." I am gentle with nature, animals and other human beings. Now it is my time to apply the same gentleness and patience to myself. Easier said than done but I am making progress. After all, I think we are all works in progress, even up until the very last day. I never want to stop seeking and learning and most of all improving myself.

On the Mend

Today I had the pulmonary function tests with the pulmonologist. I really like her. She seems professional, competent and caring. Yesterday I had met my friend I had not seen in five years at the mall. Said friend is in pretty good physical condition and I coulnd't keep up with her. She was walking at a normal pace for her as I huffed and puffed and finally begged her to slow down. I was getting a warm sensation in my head and feeling light headed. Dr. G explained that when you have a severe pneumonia it takes several months before your lungs are healed and working. In fact, because of the frequent bouts I had this year, mine will no doubt take longer AND most importantly, they are "OUT OF CONDITION'. I must use discipline and slowly force myself to exercise, although it will leave be breathless at times. She discussed some options that I did not wish to use. I am eager to get back to work. I have benefits to pay for and I have been out so much this year. I am not going to compromise my health. I will have to get busy the next few weeks and start strengthening them. I also learned that my lungs are small. This made me chuckle. When I had heart surgery the surgeon had to use a smaller valve than usual. He told me my valves and arteries were small. Something he would expect to see in a tiny woman. I am short but I have always carried around extra pounds. I have a rather muscular build but tend to put weight on in the stomach area. I realized that INSIDE I am a petite, delicate person. Outside I am a muscular and active person. Unfortunately my size 1 is confined to my internal body.

My husband is working this Saturday. My sister is coming from Albany to spend the weekend at my parents and that will give us a lot of time to visit. My mother had just replaced my father's main care giver of a year with three different caregivers from two different companies. One resigned last Saturday and she found out a second will be leaving in September. My father has a hard time adjusting to new care givers. He was very fond of the guy who quit after a year. Making matters worse, the guy just quit coming...no notice....not even to his employer. These people are paid very low wages to change diapers, sponge bathe etc. The companies are paid nicely. My mother is spending thousands a year out of her pocket. Often the companies tell her to call the people when they don't show up. The companies do little to nothing and at times my father has never been able to get out of his bed for the entire day. It's disheartening to say the least.

Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy the warmer weather......thanks for stopping by.:)

Welcome Home Mickey

Last week the little guy on the left came to live at my house. I have known him all my life. He spent the last twenty or so years at my mother's house and before then, his entire "life" was spent at my grandmother's in Silver Spring, Maryland. He is 66 years old. When my mother was just twelve years old her father took her to a store that we loved in Kensington to pick out a gift. My mother chose this Mickey Mouse cookie jar. He has a small belly and never held that many cookies but he stood faithfully on the counter top and we were always rewarded with cookies in her kitchen.

My grandmother had wanted me to have him, knowing how as a young child, I loved him so. She gave him back to my mother and told her that when something happened to her, I should receive him. My grandmother passed away back in October and right away my mom said I could take him home. It was just too soon and I couldn't do it. Bringing him here signified that my grandmother was truly gone. Last week I summoned up the courage to go and get him. He has a new home, very safely above my kitchen cabinets. I would love to display him lower but Smokey the cat is a very curious soul and I wouldn't want to risk anything happening to him. Besides, after all Smokey is a cat and well Mickey is a mouse.

I'm sure somewhere there is a collector who would love to have him. To me, he is priceless. One look at him and I am transported back to so many years ago. My grandmother loved to bake and I loved being her assistant. She made matching aprons for herself and I for Christmas when I was about six years old and I think I still have mine somewhere. I have her rolling pin which she must have used for forty years. So many things that all remind me of the unconditional love she dispensed along with her cookies. I don't know if any of you have ever heard the song "I Know You by Heart" sung by Eva Cassidy. It reminds me of my grandmother. In any given situation I know what she would have said. Sometimes I hear her voice in my mind. I knew her by heart.....and her heart was golden.

Saturday.....Memorial Weekend

OK for those of you who were curious this is a picture of the flip flops. They look cute in the picture but they are a size 10-11 and I wear an 8 1/2 my toes were really covered by the grapes and they were over an inch too long in back. They didn't seem as cute in person. (I admit my attitude has been tainted with negativity this week with the illness, bills etc.) They went to a "closet" for families who need clothing and it's run by a wonderful woman called Pepsi. I guess because of her high energy and sweetness. I try to donate all I can there because I know she helps anyone in need. There are local charities here that really frustrate me. I have a neighbor who is supporting a family of four (two teens) and she makes $13 an hour and works thirty hours each week. She was told to apply for a local food bank and she did. They made her provide more paperwork (bills for the last six months etc.) and when she went there after swimming through the sea of red tape, she was given a gallon of milk and a frozen chicken. This woman has a mortgage etc. I know other people who received help there and got more while they went for just themselves. I won't donate to that one anymore. I love to help charities but only the ones who get the help where it is needed and without making the recipients feel badly about themselves.

When home I try to watch the Rachel Ray show. This week they had two of the New Jersey Housewives and they were both cooking their meatballs. The winner was Caroline Manzo's meatballs which I will be making tonight. If you want to try MAMA MANZO'S MIRACULOUS MEATBALLS (named by her sons which abbreviate as mmmm) the recipe is as follows. In food processor put cloves of garlic and bread (hey no store bought breadcrumbs for mama's recipe). Grind together and add that with salt, pepper and one egg to a mixture of beef/pork/veal. (I get this at the meat dept of local supermarket and it makes great meatloaf as well). Add milk as this will keep meatballs very moist. Roll the meatballs to a nice golf ball size and you can either fry them in a skillet as MM does OR use my method of heating in the oven at 400 degrees for half an hour. MM does not serve hers with sauce (or as the JOISEY Italian cooks say gravy). Nelle's will be with the sauce and on top of pasta. A few days later we will use them for meatball subs. Warm and smothered in mozzarella cheese. The other housewife's recipe used regular ground beef, parsley and a handful of pecorino/romano cheese. I might try MM's with the cheese added to them. You know, the more cholesterol the better the flavor.

Rained last night. I got up at 4 a.m. to go put my windows up (they were down a few inches on both sides of the front.)

I had a back ache and have been awake since. Now I feel a little siesta coming on. If you make the recipe, would love your feedback. Let me tell you Jersey girls can cook. I lived in Maryland until I was in fifth grade. When I tasted pizza here I went crazy. It's so different. The best are "bar pies" which are often a very thin crust and just delish.

Have a great weekend and remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom. On Memorial Day I often think of Uncle Jack. He was my mom's uncle who was only 19 when he went to war. That was sixty some years ago. He left wearing his mother's wedding ring and after marrying his sweetheart. Two months later she learned she was pregnant with Jack Jr. He learned when his son "JR" was born but never saw him. He is buried in Anzio, Italy and his mother took the loss of her baby son, the youngest of her eight children very hard. His wife and son lived for several years with my grandmother in her house. His wife never remarried and passed away just last year. So the price paid was very dear for all of them and all the other soldiers and their families.

Thank you Dad, for serving your country and for teaching us, your children, to have pride in her.

Depression thy name is Copays

I am just now starting to have the bills rolling in. OMG is about all I can say. I owe 10% of what is IN network and 30% of what is not. There is not ONE in network doctor in either of the hospitals I go to. They will pay as IN network for the emergency part but what will not be processed as in network is all the after care. I must pay the first $1250 and then they will pay 70%. Oh I am going to be shelling out about 5 grand for this last hospitalization. At times like this I get very depressed. It's enough to fight for your health but then to be broke afterwards trying to pay it down. It's just not fair. I go to work and work hard everyday and then when I am sick I go into debt. Thing is this has been going on for the entire year. Last year I shelled out 8 grand and my pay was cut by over 50%. It's a lot to deal with. If I go in network only I get crappy doctors who have probably worsened my health by poor care. If I go out of network I can forget anything else like a vacation. Where is the help Mr. President cause I need it NOW. Yes, I am grateful to have a modest home and a roof over my head. I am grateful to have reliable transportation and some other things but I don't have my health and now I have to pay because of that. This is why people try to get on disability and quit their jobs so they have paid medical. Sorry, but this really has me down.

Know what else has me down? The fact that I had so many friends previously. As my available time to do lunch and then my health tanked most of them have taken huge giant steps away. Yes, I know. They weren't real friends right? Well remember some of them have seen me in poor health at times over the last thirty years and they get tired and complacent about it.
Last week one of my friends whom I have known since the age of ten mailed me a box. This past year throughout all my illnesses I have not gotten so much as a get well card from her. I was excited until I opened the box. In it were the ugliest pair of flip flops I have ever seen. At first I thought it was just my disappointment but when I showed them to neighbors who came by they had the same, or a worse reaction. I sound like an ingrate don't I? Trust me, I am not. My neighbor Stacey has been wonderful and just stopped by to give me a hug and that made me so happy. The friend who sent the box wants to tell me about her life when she calls. Her life is owning two luxurious homes and then going to another state for the winter. There she has all kinds of activities to enjoy her days. I am happy for her. I really am.
I just don't want to hear about that when my life is so difficult and I don't want to receive a gift which took absolutely no thought or in fact, reflects that she doesn't even know what I like after so many years of friendship. The flip flops were covered in plastic fruit and insects. I just can't do them justice with words. At times, I feel badly that this is my attitude but I am just keeping it real as I always do.

I feel terribly alone in my problems here. My husband needs a break as he suffers along with me. I just wish a friend of forty years would be there for me and show me some real thought. Is that too much to ask?

Summer Weather...at least for now

On Facebook there is a page you can "like" called NJ is the only state where you can experience all four seasons in one day. There's a lot of truth to that. Last week it was winter like. Yesterday and today beautiful and sunny about 80 degrees. I decided to take a chance and wash the down pillows yesterday. It did recomment dry cleaning them but because of all the chemical used, anything that can be handwashed instead I try to do. They came out lovely except that now, 24 hours later they are still wet. I have been trying to dry them outside in the sunshine so perhaps they will have the fresh air/sunshine smell I enjoy so much. Rob was not happy not to have his usual pillow last night. When the weather is that nice we have many teens who seem to want to stand on the street corner across from us to talk. While I remember doing that myself, when you have to get up at 5:30 a.m. and people are chatting until 11 it's a problem. Sometimes they begin to laugh and that can get very loud. Often we are forced to close the windows or even put a radio on softly to cammoflage the noise. They are good kids and not doing anything wrong.

This weekend my sister will be coming to help my Mom out. I find myself in a difficult situation as far as going to my Mom's. She has never been a great housekeeper and these days she barely rinses her dishes in lukewarm water. I have been warned by the doctors that my immune system has taken quite a beating and I must be careful. My Dad has COPD and chronic bronchitis. He coughs nonstop. He may have germs that could get me sick again. One doctor suggested I wear a mask around him but both doctors said that if my mother does not use a dishwasher I should not eat or drink anything from her dishes or utensils. I asked her to start using her dishwasher but she refuses. So now, if I go there, I take paper things and plastic utensils with me. I avoid eating anything there to be truthful.

Yesterday I had a wave of energy that lasted two hours in the morning. I cleaned my two bathrooms and kitchen counters. I did a bit of laundry and I actually started a book. I tire easily still. I am starting to cook again and this past week I made chicken marsala and lasagna. I also bought some Romaine lettuce and have been enjoying some nice salads.

On Tuesday I called my dentist after finding a cavity I could see. They had a cancellation and he fit me right in. He didn't want to give me a needle despite my antibiotic premeds so I had my filling without novocaine. It wasn't a deep cavity and I was fine. On Wednesday I went and had my chest x ray. I love that they put it on disc so that I can let both doctors see it when I go back. If all goes well, I will have pulmonary function studies done on June 3. Hoping for some answers from them. I am hoping and praying that the run of pneumonia is done with. This last bout in both lungs was terrible.

Feeling a Bit Anxious

First thing this morning my mother called with some bad news. To explain it, I need to give some background first.
I only have one actual aunt. My Dad was an only child and my mother had one sister who was about ten years younger than her. My aunt was about ten years older than me. Almost between our ages. When my Dad was in the Navy, we stayed for lengthy times at my grandmother's small house. I always felt my aunt was more like a big sister to me. I have always wished my mother was more like her. She is a friend as well. About ten years ago my aunt's husband died rather suddenly after years of heart problems/attacks/surgeries. I was with her (and of course her children and my mother) as they turned off the machine once they knew my uncle had no brain function at all. It was the right thing to do and what he would have wanted. My aunt went on alone, working hard at her job. About three years ago she decided to sell her home and buy a place in a senior complex even though she was in her early sixties. In between those homes she lived with her daughter for about a year until she retired. Last January when my grandmother was so ill, my aunt who had waited for decades to retire, went to live and help care for my grandmother. Even though hospice came most days, it was a major undertaking for her. She is diabetic and has health issues herself. My grandmother was confused and at times unkind. Still, my aunt appreciated the time they spent together and stayed focus on all the good. Finally, when my grandmother passed away in October my aunt could return to her home. She still had my grandmother's estate to deal with: an entire house and it's contents and paperwork. Sometime during the months after losing her mother, she was befriended by a neighbor named Frank. He had lost his wife to cancer two years earlier. They enjoyed having dinner together and as time went on seemed to be spending more and more time together. Lately, they were together nearly everyday. My aunt began to confess she was in love with Frank and some days she sounded like a teenager. We were happy that she was finally enjoying life again. This morning she took Frank to the emergency room when he had back pains. Shortly afterwards Frank had a cardiac arrest caused by an aneurysm. I am still in shock over this. I cannot even process how she must be feeling. I have just sat here waiting for the shock to wear off. We don't even know the arrangements yet. Someone has to be with my father 24/7 so if my mother goes that would be me. At this point, my mother doesn't know what she wants to do. Judy was here visiting a few short weeks ago. You never know what life will throw at you. It just hits me so hard because I have been so sick this year and makes me appreciate that I am still here.

Good things...:)

Okay there was one not so great thing...the hospital bill arrived. I will round it off $130,000. Remember that is just the facility bill, not doctors. Fortunately, I think I will only owe about $1500.00 of that. I think. Now on to the good stuff......

Yesterday my disability check arrived. Finally. I almost dropped to my knees with gratitude. I had charged groceries (remember my last paycheck was back in mid March) and that bill was due in a few days. SO, I was able to sit here and write some checks and pay some bills. Oh what a great feeling. Rob and I have lived frugally the past month. Now we can have a few things that we have done without. Nothing extravagant. This past year has taught me not to count on next month's paycheck but to try to save anything I can, never knowing when it will be needed. I slept better last night.
ALSO my blood thinner is back to where it is supposed to be. That is finally under control again. I actually had some energy yesterday. It doesn't last...I begin to wind down in the afternoon but at least I don't feel terribly ill as I had for the last month.

I did learn that the hospital reversed all my insurance information. They billed my husband's insurance as primary and the claims were all rejected. Now they have to rebill mine, after I spent about an hour calling them all and giving them the correct information. I know I told the lady who came to get that information how important it was she get it right.
She even copied the wrong addresses where to send the claims off the card.

It's the weekend. Even when I am not working, I rejoice at weekends because that means that Rob will be home with me. When you don't feel well, it's so nice to have someone here. Many days I just don't feel up to driving to the store and I will do without something until Rob can go. My appetite is still off. My sister-in-law made baked ziti and called to offer me a dish (she had made an extra). I couldn't even think about it. Right now the only thing that appeals to me is grilled chicken or a salad. Sometimes an English muffin appeals but anything with a distinct strong flavor is a no no. I wonder how long this will last. Last time I was on steroids I had the same problem. Some people gain weight but I actually lose weight on them.

I am going to take a nap. It's cold and damp here today and I woke up way too early when Duffy had to go out and would not be convinced to wait another hour. Have a wonderful weekend.

Not the best day

Left to right: my mother, myself in the middle and on the right my sister, Dottie. Seated: my niece Vicki (she has a

degree in chemistry and is considering pharmacy school.)

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Mother's Day didn't go exactly as planned. My sister had wanted to take my mother to a small restaurant for brunch with her two daughters and myself. I was reluctant to go for several reasons and my sister didn't make reservations, by the time she tried to she couldn't get them. I volunteered my person chef, Rob to make waffles. We told my mother we would come over as soon as we got up. When we arrived she had already gone to the local farmer's (and flea) market. We waited about 45 minutes for her to return. My sister made a nice bowl of fresh fruit and a berry bowl to top our waffles. We also had whipped cream. I opted for the sugar free syrup.

My son had told me the night before he was waiting for a man to come about noon who owed him money and was going to pick up his ride on tractor that he had repaired. After that he would pick up lunch and come over. The man never showed and when he called him, he said he would be there around 4. By the time Tom got home and showered and called me it was 7:30. I wasn't feeling well and told him just to wait for the following day. I didn't feel well all day and I suspect I have some type of virus. I am tired (my eyes are bothering me too much to read even) and I am making frequent trips to the bathroom. I feel light headed at times. After our breakfast Rob and I came home and I just laid on the sofa like a slug most of the day.

It has become rather cold here in NJ. I defrosted steaks for dinner and am hoping it wont' be raining. Rob is having a lot of problems with his back hurting.

I am going to return to my sofa now and put some music on and hopefully drift into a nice catnap. I just can't seem to do anything else.

PICTURES OF THE IRIS FROM GRANDMA'S GARDEN

WHILE MY GRANDMOTHER SAID THE TEN IRIS BULBS WERE ASSORTED COLORS,THEY ALL BLOOMED IN LAVENDAR/PURPLE HER FAVORITE COLOR. ON THE LEFT PICTURE YOU CAN SEE THE CLEMATIC VINE ON THE FENCE WHICH IS PURPLE AND THERE IS ANOTHER LAVENDAR VINE ALSO.

Wishing the Moms a Happy Mothers Day

Tomorrow will be low key for us. My sister had made inquiries into a local small restaurant and had planned for my mother, her, her two daughters and myself to go for breakfast. Reservations were required which she didn't make and today it's too late to make them. Rob will be making belgian waffles for everyone at my mother's and my sister will be making fresh fruit salad. It will be very low key Sometime in the afternoon my son will be arriving with my favorite salad for lunch. I am still coughing and my side muscle seemed to start hurting yesterday after a rather prolonged coughing session. Rob weeded the two flower beds for me today and put down mulch. They look so nice. It's very windy today.
Just wanted to take a minute and wish all the mothers, step-mothers, grandmothers and nurturing friends who fill that void for many others a

Happy Mother's Day.