Saturday, December 17, 2005

Waiting for the shoe to drop

As I had previously reported my father is in the hospital. He was recovering from his kidney infection nicely but the fluid in his abdomen was still there despite the fact that he was now hydrated and able to control his urinating. Today a doctor told him that his liver has problems according to the blood tests. They plan to scan it tomorrow and let him know on Monday. Until they know exactly what is happening, they are not releasing him. Normally, I would say not to worry until/unless we had something to worry about for certain. The problem is that I am very worried for two reasons. About six months ago he had his heart valve replaced and that means blood transfusions. That can be a source of hepatitis. Secondly, when my late mother-in-law (actually my ex's Mom) had this, she was diagnosed with liver cancer and died a few months later. When my mother told me tonight she broke down. Rob and I went over there for a few hours to keep her company. She is trying to think that things will be okay. I am not sharing my fears with her right now.
This is going to be a very busy week for me at work. Monday I am having a man check on a small damage the floor installer made on my floor and I go in to work late and will be staying late. Tuesday I have to go in early because the office manager has an appointment. I will be staying late for our office party which begins at four o'clock. It's Christmas week and I am sure I will be doing something virtually every waking minute. My gifts are purchased and wrapped. I went pretty light on gifts this year. My holiday spirit has been lacking.
I have always been someone who had to fight off the holiday blues. In my early years my parents were poor. I would go to visit my cousin and leave feeling so down. She had beautiful expensive toys and later jewelery. When she got this five piece metal kitchen set ( I even remember that it was pink) I got a child's table with two chairs that was too small for me, but was a gift I had to share with my sister who was seven years younger. A few years later my father got a good job and I got bigger and better things. As a teen I had this boyfriend who always had just the right gifts. Thoughtful and wonderful. The most spectacular of all was when he surprised me with an engagement ring. I was only 16 and later gave it back but I will never forget that feeling of knowing someone really loved me. My ex never gave me an engagement ring and I often dwellt on that. My ex never went shopping for gifts for me. He was an atheist who never let me forget that once we were married. Before that he attended church with me. I did have happy Christmases when my son was little. I had vicarious pleasure in seeing him open and enjoy his toys. I always went overboard but then had him clear out his old toys and donate many to charities. As my son got older the dark cloud began to resurface. When I first met Rob things were good and it lifted. This year with all the burden of coming up with money for Christmas and the bills and Rob's illness, followed by my father's hospitalization, I have struggled harder. My grandmother is having problems as well. It just seems that there is more to worry about than there is to be joyful for.
Ironically, THIS year my ex decided to use a small Christmas tree I had previously given him. Today I went to the mall and got stockings for my son and his bird with their names on them. (The ex has his and I was not going to part with my son's childhood stocking.) This is good for my son's spirits. That makes me joyful.
Today I also purchased two ornaments. One for the cat and one for Duffy. I found two of Sandie's ornaments and it really hit me hard. I think that I will put the one, the silhouette of her with her name engraved on the tree in memory of her.
Her name and face are deeply engraved in my heart. Tonight I held Duffy so close and showed him his ornament. It's a cookie jar that says "Treats" under it hangs a bone with his name on it. The cats is adorable and is a stocking with his name on it and then a fish hanging out of the stocking. There's a note to Santa on it saying he's been good. They both have stockings that Rob's Mom gave them. One has a dog on it and one has a cat. I cannot imagine not having them. As much as they are a nuisance at times, they are something else for me to be joyful about.
I am also joyful about Rob. EVEN THOUGH he was cleaning snow off my car and put some scratches on the roof of it. :O EVEN THOUGH he damaged my old car too. My friend said that was the test of love because had my ex done that I would have driven over him in anger. LOL Probably so. I love Rob with all that's left of my heart. Some pieces are broken off and missing but Rob has hermetically sealed the rest of it for safe keeping. Even the new valve. I am glad that despite so much uncertainty in other things, I am certain that no matter what Rob will be here for me. That is truly the greatest gift one could hope for. I am so very grateful for the gift of his love.


alphawoman said...

Everytime I read one of your entries they are so full of love and compassion. I too am usually blue around the holidays....I think I suffer from that SADD thingie. Not enought sun light and the days so short. Seems like I get up, go to work, some home and go to bed. I'll keep your Dad in my prayers.

amy said...

I hope your dad feels better soon and I hope you & your family have a wonderful holiday surrounded by the love you so obviously share.

jennifer said...

Sending good wishes to Dad! Now which one of the four-leggers is fibbing to Santa Paws? Sayin' he's been good? C'mon. We all know better!

megzie212 said...

Hi, Nelle this must be a tough time for you, but I know you wont stay down for long. You have so much to look up to you. Im happy you have Rob, and that you found him. Im also happy that you have a mind full of great things.

holiday hugs to the Duffster and you.

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IndigoSunMoon said...

Oh Nelle...I am so very sorry to hear about your Daddy. When you wrote in your previous entry that he had fluid in his abdomen I was afraid something might be wrong with his liver.
You and your precious family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Virginia said...

Judi and I are thinking of you and wishing the very best outcome for your father and that you and your family can find peace and assurance during this time.

Peace, Virginia

AlbGlinka said...

There is so much emotion in this entry, Nelle. I related to a lot of it. I hope your Dad will be okay.

Dang-- no one gave ME an engagement ring at 16. That sounds very romantic, though I am glad you didn't go through with it, that's pretty young!

hugs to you, Albert