Sunday, December 04, 2005

Snowy Sunday

Today I woke up at 5 a.m. and it was snowing. All in all we got about three inches. I love the first snow of the season, particularly when it's a day when Rob and I can stay home. I took the dog outside who went wild with excitment leaping in the snow and catching it on his tongue. He was only a few months old the last time it snowed and he seems to have forgotten that. It was fun to stand inside the warm kitchen and watch his joy. Then I suddenly remembered how much my late Sandie loved the snow. I felt a wave of grief wash over me. After doing a few things in the kitchen I went back to bed and slept some more. Rob got up again a few hours later with the pets and let me sleep in. He's thoughtful like that.
When I got up I told Rob that I wanted to go to Michael's and pick up some plain wreaths and ribbons. Decided to decorate the outside differently this year. I was working on a tight budget and got the seven wreaths for under $2 each. Ribbon was half price also. Came home and we had to remove the screens to hang the wreaths. Not as easy as we had hoped it would be but eventually we got them out. Rob was coughing all day. He has worked many hours overtime last week and all day Saturday. He is tired and I felt guilty asking him to get a few things down from the attic. His one day off but yet there are some things I can't do physically. Heavy lifting is at the top of the list. My chest just won't permit it and my arm strength has not been the same since they cut my chest muscles. Rob is always happy to help but I could tell today that he was not feeling well.
Some days I feel that Rob has been short changed. I try hard to do all that I can but there are many things that I simply cannot do. Rob has two steel rods in his back. He has no extra pounds on him. When he feels tired he doesn't want to eat and I worry that he will lose the twenty pounds that he has gained since moving to NJ. They are all he has to fall back on and when I met him he was underweight. For the past two years so much of our focus has been my health and things related to it. Now I am doing so much better and I want the focus to be where it should be. We are two people who found each other about five years ago. We should be focusing on us and our relationship not my medical problems. We never had a real honeymoon. We had two ceremonies one religious and the other the big affair. It was wonderful. Rob has given so much of himself.
Imagine being married to someone barely two years and having them wheeled off to surgery knowing the risks of having their heart cut into. The surgery was supposed to be 24 hours of recovery then upstairs. I spent over a week in ICU with so many problems. Rob was there as often as he could be. He still had to put some days in at work. He had used his time off and the days he spent with me once I got home were unpaid. I have little memory of the time in ICU except to know that something was very wrong. My kidneys shut down and they began to function only hours before dialysis would have been necessary. My blood pressure which had always been high was not very low. They worried that the valve was leaking and kept testing. It wasn't thankfully. Once I went upstairs there were more problems. Finally when I could come home I couldn't be left for one minute for an entire week. Rob never complained. He hovered over me and made sure that if I could only take two bites of a sandwich the sandwich was prepared for me and waiting. He had the patience of a saint.
I am determined to somehow do something for him. I have a few ideas in my head. I need the money to back them up. If I continue on the road I am with school and work I will get there. Someday I will show just how much gratitude I truly have. I tell him, maybe not often enough. How do you thank someone who helped you stay alive, or more importantly made you WANT to stay alive? Before I met Rob I didn't care anymore. I had survived cancer and was happy for that but there was no love in my life. I didn't hope to ever trust anyone again. Rob changed all that. He made me believe in love and take one more chance. I shall spend eternity trying to thank him...and thanking God for bringing us together.


IndigoSunMoon said...

Rob does these things because he loves you. That's what people in love do, ya dopey! lol

I know exactly how you feel though. I feel like all we do around here is discuss and worry about my medical problems. I feel like a big ole loser so often and feel that Scarlett deserves so much more. But she loves me, and I love her and would do the same for her if the tables were turned. I know you would do the same for Rob.

Much love,

Sie said...

I', sure you show him in a million little ways how much you love him, just like he shows you.

amy said...

You and Rob are so lucky to have eachother:)

AlbGlinka said...

My impression is that you and Rob truly are soulmates-- meant to be there for each other through everything that life brings your way, incuding the trials of health issues. That's what love is about.

You are both very lucky to have found each other! xxoo, Albert

Candace said...

I agree with the others...he does all those things because he loves you. You are both very blessed.
PS - I found you! I know you weren't lost....I was! : )

alphawoman said...

Sounds like true love between soul mates.