Ramblings of a Medicated Mind

I absolutely hate to take medicine. The fact that it serves a necessary evil does not comfort me. I am neurotic about adding any new medicines into the mix. My new doctor has had trouble understanding this until she saw the result of me nearly passing out. I have a strange reaction at times. I have hacked nonstop for many days and nights and I finally called today and spoke with her. No, she doesn't think I need a chest x ray it's just bronchitis but if I am still coughing next week she will do one. Newsflash; if I am still coughing by next week I will be one of those people who needs a rubber room after losing it from lack of sleep. She also prescribed some cough syrup with codeine. I simply cannot tell you how good it felt to taste sugar in the syrup. Nothing like that has touched my tongue in over six weeks. I am on a new antibiotic which makes me a little dizzy, then with the cough syrup I am in a mild haze. For the life of me I cannot understand why people would want to spend money to feel this way. By the way, I am making a disclaimer that if none of this makes sense I cannot be held responsible due to too many medications.
I have still not cooked my corned beef brisket and guess what today I think is Friday, it is two a.m. IF I cook the brisket and ate it I would be eating meat on a Lenten Friday. In years past, I was observant of this. My old priest explained to me that if you do another thing, such as visiting a sick person, you can eat meat. My mother-in-law gives up something for lent but has it in huge amounts on Sunday because she goes to mass and figures that is a trade off. Technically she is right. A few weeks ago I had a medical test and I was told I had to eat a very fatty meal to keep radio isotopes from being absorbed by my liver. She called here that night and was horrified that I ate a cheeseburger on a Lenten Friday. Now I have to tell you that if a doctor tells me I have to eat a fat laden meal and recommends a cheeseburger then I'm going to cave. If in the final judgement it comes down to that, I'm not worried. I have corrupted her son because I don't remind him. Well if lent is about suffering than I guess she is in the right spirit. As for my home, people (occupants and visitors) are allowed to have whatever they want.
Speaking of the leprechaun he did an Easter headliner for me. Then I found this great blog design. OK I am now worn out. I went this morning and got an echo done. It's always fun to see someone who hears my heart for the first time. I really liked this woman who let me gently cough and such on a sugar free cough drop. Oh the little things that count when you are sick. Happy weekend.

OOPS I forgot to mention something that if I were well I would have done an entry on. MARTIN BRODEUR (my hockey playing significant other.) He beat the record of most game wins by a goaltender and the following game set a new record. Knowing Marty it will be more and more cause like the Energizer Bunny he keeps it coming. Two Christmases ago my husband bought me a beautiful autographed picture of Martin, my Stanely cup sweetheart. He agreed that if Martin ever came to our door and said he had to have me, he would make that sacrifice. (I could tell he never thought this might really happen.) ha! Aside from being an incredible goalie he is just so boyishly cute. He will be 37 on May 6th. OH I love my NJ Devils and I hope sometime in the future I can once again afford to go to their games. Seats in nosebleed territory cost us. IF I ever win the lottery I would buy season tickets. We love ya Marty. 552 and counting......

I am sick

Since Monday I have been sick. A fever, freezing one minute and roasting the other. Hacking up what sounds like lungs. My chest hurts. Went to the doctor yesterday and she gave me a script for an antibiotic. Wasn't sure how I felt about her not taking a chest xray or doing blood work. Does she not know I am delicate? I am just reading my emails from Monday. My corned beef brisket is sitting in the fridge waiting to be made. Don't think it will be today either. Neighbors came over to bring us a card but I was asleep and not functioning too well. My bed calls and I hope to be back in good shape soon.

A Rough Night and a Valve in Overdrive

Yesterday I had a really good day. I have had a bug for a couple days and my head hasn't felt right and my tummy hasn't been right but yesterday I was excited to go back to the nutritionist and have her review my records of what I've been eating and my glucose numbers. She was thrilled and when she weighed me I was down six pounds since my last visit. Since being diagnosed with diabetes about seven weeks ago I am down ten pounds. My numbers are pretty good, I am working hard to keep my carbs to under ten servings a day and to only eat any carbs with protein. I do find I am eating more cheese than I want to be, but it's all low fat. Last night we did (okay hubby did the work) about half a dozen chicken breasts on the grill. That means I can have one on salad or as the main part of a meal when I want it. He had prepared a lot of Italiian sausages but I learned yesterday they are so high in fat and calories and a bad choice so I am going to let him finish them while I have the chicken instead. Getting back to yesterday, when I left the nutritionist I decided to celebrate with a tiny burger from Wendy's and a huge diet soda. I was very thirsty. Later I realized that it had caffeine in it. Big mistake as I had already had one cup of coffee and one cup of tea that morning and I was way over my limit. I went to bed about ten thirty and that's when my heart went into overdrive. What a miserable feeling. It was beating so fast and there was no way I could sleep. I dozed off for maybe fifteen minutes but that was it....until after four thirty. I was so mad at myself for being so careless. I slept from about four thirty until eight when the pets wanted to get up. I got up and fed them. I dozed a few times while watching tv. My eyes are so tired I cannot even read today.

My heart is so sensitive to caffeine that once this begins nothing can stop it. I drank at least a quart of water during the night, took a mild tranquilizer, tried to meditate but was distracted with thoughts of Edgar Allen Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart. Since I have the artificial valve, I not only feel it, I also hear it. There was a time I never thought I would get used to it. I am used to it most of the time because there is noise but at night when it's very quiet I really notice it. I am going to put a picture of it here. It's kind of like a silver dollar, but smaller, and it has these louver door like appearance. Now my skin covers it they tell me. I was amazed there were three tiny holes in it where the stitches went. As long asit keeps on ticking I am happy to have it. It's carbon graphite.the lastest technology and I have it. :)

An Hour Ahead

I woke up today feeling it was early to get up but then I realized it was an hour later than I thought it was.....at least technically. I changed the clocks (the computer and cable box changed themselves). Yesterday was so beautiful. We opened the garage and let the warm air come in. I got some things put away in there and was basking in the heat on the patio when our mail was delivered. It seems we didn't have enough taken out of our checks last year and now we owe some money. Didn't count on that. At first I was really upset because I am still waiting for my first disability check. By the time it arrives I will be returning to work. That is only part of your salary. I have been going to doctors and having tests and regulary writing out $20 and $40 copay checks. When I purchased my car I paid extra for insurance to cover the payments should I be out on disability. I knew if that happened I would not be able to swing those payments. The woman who did the financial paperwork told me all I had to do was call her. She is no longer working there but the procedure for this leaves a lot to be desired. I spent nearly $800.00 at the time for the coverage which also pays off the loan if I die. I made the call and learned I would be faxed over papers which both my employer and doctor would need to fill out. Those papers could only be submitted after the 2nd of each month (couldn't get an adequate explanation for that) AND I would be responsible for making all the payments. At some point when they determined I was eligible, they would submit the money directly to my company holding the loan. So, the safety net I thought I had has been anything but. I have had to make two payments and once they have the money from the car loan company I will have a credit on my account. Had I understood this when I took the loan I would not have bothered. It makes me angry to be given incorrect information and to have to have a credit up the road when I need that now.

I have decided that I must use all my energies towards feeling better, which slowly I am doing. I will have to pay the taxes in payments since I cannot send the entire amount now. I cannot worry about it because I cannot change it. I am hoping to get back to work in about three weeks feeling so much better. There is new management now and a lot of changes going on. I liked the old management who always was concerned about the worker bees. I understand the need for change. I will try my best to make the necessary changes.

I am going to take a long hot shower and go to the store and return the jeans that were purchased over the internet. Hopefully I will get the full refund because I cannot find the receipt. They have been here since Christmas.
I am usually very organized. The past few months, especially December, I felt out of it. I was dizzy and greatly fatigued but didn't know why. Now I am getting all that sorted out and adjusted to a new diet and new meds. I am doing better and by Easter I am hoping to be the person I was before.......or better.
Speaking of Easter I have a new header for that but will wait until St. Patty's Day is over. I have my corned beef waiting to be cooked and I just love that day.

Did Ya Ever Have "One of those Days?"

Yesterday was mentally exhausting. It all began with the cat waking me up at 6 a.m. I woke up feeling a mild sore throat and exhaustion. I took a shower and got dressed thinking it would be a good day to go and get my license renewed. Got all my documents together and got there. They had moved. Okay...back in the car and about five minutes later we arrived at the right place where they rushed me through. I had anticipated getting my picture taken so had done my hair and put on makeup but they decided to use the old one since I hadn't changed in 4 years. Not going to argue with that, even if my hair is about six inches longer in that picture. I was wearing a green turtleneck sweater in the old picture and one that day and I could tell the woman noticed that and was no doubt thinking "Could that be the same turtleneck?" For the record it was not. We then headed to the grocery store and picked up a few things we were out of and came home. About that time my birthday girl friend Laura called. I had told her to call me if she was available for lunch. She told me her son had given her money to go to Atlantic City and given her money for me to go with her. Folks, I have to tell you I am not a big fan of "AC". I never truly feel I have enough money to gamble and I would rather give it to charity if I did have it. She knows this but it was her birthday and she wanted to go. 'We live about forty miles apart and she is near the Parkway which is the way you go. She suggested I drive and meet her by the service station near the Driscoll Bridge. While I know this is me going North and then having to go south to get there, I agree wanting things to be easier for her. I through myself in the car and stuff a credit card (to buy her dinner) in my jeans pocket and off I go. I stop at the bank to make a deposit on the way. I go to where I think she means but there is NO service area. I am stuck going over the bridge and now have to go miles to find a place I can turn around. I try to call her cell but it goes right into voicemail. I call home and find she has called Rob and told him she got a new cell and hadn't put my number into it. I get off when I can and head south on the parkway. Now she calls me and I am talking to her when I suddenly realize I was in the far right lane and am stuck on the ramp to the Turnpike. Oh no. Once on the turnpike you go forever before you can turn around. I am talking to Rob who has Laura on the other line. I keep explaining there was no rest area and then she decides that where I entered the parkway was above the rest area. By now I am so far away I tell Rob I will just head home and if she wants to come to the house she can. She begins to come here but then she gets lost. Now I am in tears feeling I have ruined her birthday. The fact that I have a GPS should mean I don't get lost but let me tell you, when you are driving on the parkway people in NJ tailgate. They are driving 65 or faster and it's four lanes like that. Finally when Laura calls again I know just where she is and tell her to stay put. Rob drives me there and I jump in her car and now we are on our way to AC. She is laughing, grateful I am going with her and tells me not to worry about the delay. We stop at a rest area and decide to grab a burger and drink. The rest area is close to AC and has the audacity to charge nearly ten dollars for a whopper junior meal. Can they be serious? Yes and it was the worst service ever with us waiting ten minutes for them to make them. About that time I notice my AMEX is no longer in my pocket. I rush back into the bathroom and it's not there OR in Laura's car. I call Rob and tell him to report it lost after he checks our car to make sure it wasn't lost there. Poor Rob even when I am out of the house he is having to assist me. We arrive in AC and we find a good parking spot. We went to Bally's and parking which was free is now $5. We go upstairs and Laura doesn't have her card so she gets another one and I decide I will get one. This is to build up points and get comps. We head down to the floor and she hands me 5 twenties. I have never had that much money in a casino. I spot a machine that says Dublin Diamond and I think oh yes luck of the Irish. More like the potato famine. It took awhile but I lost that twenty. My friend wanders over to the $1 game machines and wins a few hundred dollars. I am happy and so is she. She takes her winnings and plays the same machine again and wins another couple hundred. YES! I am having vicarious pleasure cause my twenties are being sucked in with nothing coming back. She suggests we go check out the nickel machines. The money goes much faster there because you play x lines and so many per line. This is how it has always been for me. No winnings and no luck. She wins yet again. We have now been there three hours and it's after eleven. She asks me if I want to eat. I am not hungry but I am thirsty so we find a place selling sodas. Nearly three dollars for a diet Pepsi. She decides to call it a night and cashes out. I was so happy for her. She left with several hundred and got her parking comped. I left with what I came with MY $20.
For the life of me, I will never understand the thrill of gambling. Perhaps if my luck were to change and I won, I would feel differently.
So while I ran up lots of tolls yesterday, used a lot of gas (and discovered my engine light was now on) lost my AM EX and had rotten luck on the slots, my luck was good in that I was able to spend a birthday evening with a friend. She smiled and laughed and seemed to have a good time. That was my prize. We made memories and those are priceless and last forever.

Happy Birthday Laura and Stacey

Happy Birthday, Laura! (an old and dear friend)

Happy Birthday, Stacey! (a wonderful neighbor and friend)

Today is the birthday of two people that I know. I wish them both a wonderful day.
I am going to run to the DMV and get my driver's license redone today. In NJ we are required to have unbelievable amounts of ID to do this. I am required to go in person and take copies of birth certificates, marriage certificates, bills, tax statements or social security cards. I have it all here ready to go. Don't know how long this will take.
I got my results of my nuclear stress test on Tuesday at a visit with my cardiologist. NO blockages. ::::::::happy dance::::::: For someone with my medical issues this is somewhat surprising to doctors. I am so happy I will not have to go through another cardiac catherization as I had six years ago. I heard last night that Barbara Bush just had an aortic valve replacement. She is fortunate at her age to get a tissue valve. I was not old enough to get one, since I was under 50 I had to get a mechanical valve. This requires anti coagulation meds which frankly are a nuisance. I have to get my INR tested once a month. IF that number goes too high many things can happen, including a brain hemorrhage. Last month my number was great but this month it was way too high. This was probably a result of me introducing a new medication for the diabetes into my body. Now my dose will be changed once again and I will have to retest in about a week. Not a big deal but I will never get used to blood tests. I still hate needles of any kind.
We still have snow on the ground here. It was bitter cold two days ago and yesterday the temperature rose ten degrees. Today it is expected to rise another ten degrees. That makes me smile. It has been sunny and I try to soak that in. Overall I am feeling better. Thank God for that. If the last blood pressure medicine I tried continues to keep my pressure where it currently is, I am hoping that I have found the combination that will work for me. They have found I need two meds to really control it. Well, time for breakfast and off to a productive day hopefully.

Noreaster Hits NJ

I'm sure many of you have felt this storm. We got ten to twelve inches of snow in my area which started about 11 p.m. last night. Not as thick as some snow I have seen but the winds were pretty strong. Thankfully, neither of us had to get out this morning. I did have an appointment but the office called to cancel and advised me to reschedule tomorrow. Since I was hoping to hear the results of the test I had on Friday I was a bit disappointed but no one should have had to drive today. They said NJ state police reported 350 accidents by noon with one fatality. Our neighbors came over about lunch time to start shoveling our driveway for us. Rob had done the sidewalks and patio but was taking a break. I simply cannot say how helpful our neighbors are when you need them. We all watch out for each other. I have never lived in a neighborhood where people were like this and I find it interesting that people here have much less financially than previous areas I have lived.

I finished reading the final book by the author I wrote about, Laurel Lee. She had been diagnosed with Hodgkins disease the year before I had. I had tried to follow her life back then but it was difficult......no Internet. I now know much of what I missed and what her final months were like. It frightens me a bit to think that so many secondary cancers can occur but like her I feel that when you survive cancer and are gifted the time to see your child become a self sufficient adult, you have to see the time you had and not what you will miss. Her children were such beautiful people and had her spirit of helping others.

I have a few more books sitting here to be read and I think I might begin another today. My chef is preparing one of his wonderful pot roasts for dinner.
Might as well take advantage of the oven being on for hours. He pan sears the meat with a searing flower and it makes it so tender. Hope all of you are dry and warm and finding something good in your day.

Medical progress & visit with my friend Laura

Laura, strong and courageous

I have had four medical appointments this week. My calendar was filled. On Thursday I met an endocrinologist, who specializes in diabetes. He was informative and I learned that my leg arteries needed to be ultra sounded, which I did this morning. On Friday I went to the hospital and had about a five hour procedure, start to finish. It was a persentine nuclear stress test. It basically checks your heart to see if you might have any blockages. It involved an IV, my least favorite procedure and injections, one was radioactive. Although I looked throughout the day, I did not glow.:) The team at this hospital are wonderful. I explained up front that they should expect me to be somewhat neurotic. When they saw how fast my pulse was, they took me seriously. The test went fine and I am hoping that I will get the results from the cardiologist on Monday. I expect they will be fine. After Monday (my fifth medical appointment/procedure in one week) I can have a few days off. I have not been sleeping well and have been very tired. I look forward to that. I am hoping and praying that all tests come back fine.

Last night around dinner time my friend Laura called. Her husband and son were out of town and she wanted me to come visit. It had been two years since we last got together because of my job taking so much of my time and her dealing with a home remodeling that went out of control and other issues. It was so good to see her. I had her birthday presents with me since her birthday was this Thursday but she didn't think she could get together that day. We ordered Chinese food in and just sat and chatted for about three hours. It takes an hour to get there and I wanted to leave before 10:30 because I was so tired. It is the first time in awhile I have driven that far by myself. I am testing out a new blood pressure medication that is in the form of a patch. Yes, it seems odd like I am secretly trying to stop smoking and I am hoping I won't have to keep explaining it to people if they happen to see it. Laura's family are really a handful. Her only son has hemophilia (he has had a difficult life because of the severity of his) and her husband is always looking for her to set things right for him. He is a nice guy but not every woman could handle the pressure as she does. They had gone to the Nascar race and then he went to a bar and had a few drinks. He called her (in NJ) to ask what his room number was and where their son was. We were laughing and rolling our eyes. He got frustrated and hung up. She then had to call her son and have him go locate his Dad, which he did quickly and without a problem. When my son had leukemia I met Laura because both our sons had the same hematologist/oncologist. We have known each other about eighteen years now. It never escapes me that while my son had three and a half difficult years, his illness ended and he was able to go on with a somewhat normal life. Her son will never enjoy one day without concern for his illness. He has changed from the little boy who loved over sized stuffed animals into a young man. He has a steady girlfriend and a new car. He is finally working full time and earning a good living. That does a mother's heart good and her friend's also. Sometimes you just need to sit with an old friend and look at where you've come from and enjoy the moment. That was a big dose of much needed medicine for me. Today I am going to take it easy...have a long, luxuriating bath, listen to music and feel that I am finally moving towards my goal of having all my health issues under control. Let it be.

Missing Jen

This is my sister-in-law, Jennifer. We lost her on June 8, 2007 when she developed a very rare form of cancer, peripheral nerve sheath cancer. This cancer develops in certain people who have Neurofribramotosis which she did.

She would have been 35 on February 4th. She left behind a daughter who is now ten years old. We call, write and visit her whenever possible. The last night of Jen's life we visited with her (we had spent several days with her before that) and we went back to my mother-in-law's house after the hospital. My mother-in-law has several sisters and their daughters who have a "girls' night out" monthly. It was planned for that evening and at the last minute they chose to spend it with Jen at the hospital. The staff of the hospital provided food for them and while they were having their final visit with Jen, we were there with her daughter. Her daughter wanted me to sleep with her and we laid there with me trying to answer all the questions she had and me wondering if she could possibly comprehend that at eight years old she was losing her mother. The following morning at about 5 a.m. the phone rang. I jumped up and went into the kitchen where my mother-in-law was talking. "She's gone." We cried quietly and when my niece C got up we didn't tell her about her mother. That was her grandmother's decision. C was playing the violin in a concert at her school and was so excited. Her grandmother wanted her to have that day to enjoy. After the concert we picked her up from school and brought her home and her grandmother put her on her lap and told her that her Mommy was gone. She was very quiet. We had already gone to the funeral home before the concert and made all the arrangements. Jen and I both loved gerbera daisies. Her Mom wanted her to have those flowers so we coordinated and while her Mom gave her the casket spray we bought her a spectacular heart that was put over the casket. We focused so much the next few days on the little girl who had lost her Mommy. At one point when I cried she came over to me put her arm around my neck and gently whispered "My Mommy loved you very much."

I have the things Jen gave me here. I look at them frequently. My favorite is the unicorn she gave me. At our wedding they played the unicorn song and she and I alone danced to it. The following Christmas we each gave each other a unicorn (totally unplanned). Jen was so many things....a beautiful smile, a great sense of humor, a breath of fresh air. After dating her brother for awhile she asked me if I thought we would get married. I told her that at that point I was beginning to wonder if he was every going to propose. She laughed and said "If he doesn't marry you I will!" From then on we joked about that. She sent me emails and signed them your lil unicorn sister. Jen was my sister of the heart. She was not perfect (none of us are) and I will never try to make her into something she was not. She would have hated that. I just wonder at what point I will stop missing her so much. I wonder what goes on in the thoughts of a ten year old child. I do know for Christmas when asked what she wanted she told her grandmother her Christmas wish was to spend time with her mother. I guess throughout her life there will be many moments where her mother's presence will be sadly missed. I hope I can be there for the important moments. Jen knew we would always be watching out for her as much as possible.




Forever in our hearts

My Love of Reading

The last entry about books started me to thinking about my love for reading and how it all came about. I really have my great grandmother to thank for that. My great grandmother was a woman ahead of her time. She lived to be 97 years old. She had eight children and to her sorrow she buried several of them, including her youngest son, Jack, killed in World War II. When we were little my older brother couldn't say Great Grandma so he called her "Gran Gran" and we all followed suit. I think she loved having a name a little different and she took such delight in her great grandchildren. Her husband had died when her youngest son was not much more than a baby. For many years she was a single mother and I don't know how she survived financially. She always owned her own home, until the end of her life. Her home that I always remember her in was small but filled with lovely antiques. I lived frequently with my grandparents and she lived next door to them. Many days I would drop in to visit with her. She always had bottles of Coke in the refrigerator and cookies and peppermints in her candy dish. When I was in kindergarten my parents built a house around the block from hers but we were still in Silver Spring. Often I would get off the school bus at her home. Sometime during that time she began to have visual problems. Still she managed to teach me how to read by sounding things out. She was patient and ever so encouraging. When my reading lessons were done, I was treated to an ice cold Coke and a cookie. What joy those visits were for both of us. Soon she had me reading out of the Bible although the names were so difficult for me. Her vision was leaving as my reading skills were improving. She learned that she had glaucoma but too late for them to do anything to fix it. I was heartbroken for her but she was a stoic woman who told me she would be okay. She still baked blind and never failed in her independence. She was very distressed that when she applied to several blind agencies they refused to teach her to read Braille. They told her she was too old to learn. They didn't know what an intelligent woman they were dealing with. For years after Gran Gran lost her sight I would visit her and read her Bible to her. She would smile and tell me that I was a blessing to her. When I was in fourth grade we moved to New Jersey and I was sad to leave my grandmother and great grandmother behind. At that time there were no unlimited calling plans and they couldn't afford to call us very often. In our family room were shelves of books. My Dad ordered a set of classic books and I began to read right through them. Among them was Lorna Doone which I particularly remember reading. My love for reading was already there and I went to our school library and read an entire set of books that were biographies, such as George Washington Carver. I would then send letters to my great grandmother describing the books. She wrote back, using a ruler to keep her lines straight. Once in tenth grade I went for a visit and I was telling her about my geometry class. She told me that she loved geometry and she began to talk about all the theorems. She remembered them all and how to apply them. It was at that moment I realized just how intelligent she was. Later when I got married I wore the pendant that was passed down through her family. There were a long line of women named Clara Virginia (her, her daughter and my mother). My mother broke the chain but my middle name was Claire so I was given the okay to wear it. My sister's middle name is Virginia. Gran Gran did not attend my wedding because she was getting a little frail and didn't want to interfere with everyone else enjoying themselves. When I was pregnant I called her first to inform her she was going to become a great great grandmother and she was thrilled. I have a picture of the five generations of us.

I have many things that belonged to my great grandmother. I have a music box from her dresser (probably aluminum but blue with fake jewels on top), I have a faux Chinese ivory chest with small drawers that also was on her dresser and I have a pin she loved. She gifted me the chest because each day I was there I commented how much I liked it. On my wedding day it was sent to me with a note inside telling me how she loved me and wished me all the best. I know how much she used it and that it was a real sacrifice for her to part with it. The greatest gift she ever gave me though was the gift of reading. When I am stressed I can open a book and leave where I am and go anywhere. I can use my imagination and envision the characters. Ironically, I also inherited Gran Gran's black hair and her glaucoma. Mine was diagnosed very early and I use drops which keep it under control. It is reassuring to know that there are many medicines and surgeries available which control it now. One of the worst things that could happen to me would be to lose my availability to read. I plan to keep my vision and my books for a long time to come.

Books:an Important Part of My Life

I love books. I love to read books and sometimes I cannot part with them. I just did another inventory because I have a shelf over my computer desk on which I keep my favorites. Right now I am holding on to the Jodi Picoult books but later I will keep only my very favorites of hers such as My Sisters Keeper. One of my favorite authors is Anna Quindlen who used to have a column for the New York Times many years ago. She took many of her best columns and put them in two books which I have reread many times Living Out Loud and Thinking Out Loud. I also have her fictional novels Black and Blue and Blessings. I have three books by Kahlil Gibran and often I read from The Prophet. I have many self help books and some psychology books that I often read. I have a few fictional novels that I will not part with which I have read multiples times, such as Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and Lovely Bones.

Many years ago I had a friend who I exchanged books with all the time. When we got together over tea we often discussed what we had read.Many wonderful conversations took place in my kitchen regarding our love of a good read. One thing that really annoyed me was I would lend her books which would not be returned. I had bought the hard copy of Lovely Bones and told her how I loved it. My husband wanted to read it but she told me she would read it and get it back to me within the week. She lost it and replaced it with a paperback version. I am not a book snob but over years the paperbacks turn yellow and age badly. I once lent her teenage daughter one of my favorite books ever Love xx Janis by Laura Joplin. I made her swear that it would be returned in it's pristine condition and her Mom assured me she would see to it (the book was being used for an important school project). When the book came out new it was available in hot pink and turquoise covers. I chose the hot pink. For the next few months and even a year later I asked for the book back but I never got it back. The mother later told me that her daughter developed attachments to things that belonged to people she cared about and I told her while I could appreciate that concept, it was not HER thing but mine. I finally went to Amazon.Com and bought one although I had to get it in turquoise. At least I can read it again when I want to.

I think of all the books that I treasure one of the most, is a book most of you have never heard of, Walking Through the Fire by Laurel Lee. When I was first diagnosed with Hodgkins Disease I couldn't find anyone else who had had it. I later realized my radiologist was treating THREE young women but he kept our appointments at different times so we could never meet. At some point my mother gave me a magazine with an article about a young mother, like myself who had Hodgkins Disease. She was diagnosed while pregnant and refused to have a late term abortion. She wrote a story for them and I was elated to know there was someone else out there who had a young child (in her case a third on the way) and could understand what I was going through. Later she published her story in a book which was actually a journal she had kept in the hospital. I cannot tell you how much that book comforted me on my loneliest nights. Her husband later left her for their babysitter. She was a beautiful woman living a hippy lifestyle and really struggling. Her prognosis was very poor but she pulled through. Over the years she wrote two more books which I have although the third I only have in paperback and have never been able to find in hard cover, Signs of Spring. Last Fall I stumbled upon something online and learned that she had another cancer battle which had finally claimed her life. While I was saddened by that news I thought back to what an incredible life she had lived. She survived cancer for twenty years! Three separate occurences (her original, a relapse and later pancreatic) but she was diagnosed the first time with stage four. This woman is my heroine. It's not how long you live, but how you live your life. She lived her life stoically, full of dignity and grace and most importantly love. She turned the low point of her life around and used her experience to provide hope for others. She became a college writing professor in Oregon. Even though her life is over, I feel as though she lives on in the hearts and minds of the people she helped and I am eternally grateful to have known her, if only through her words and her lovely illustrations. Thank you Laurel. I found she had written another book, Tapestry which i just ordered online today. It can be ordered on http://www.lighthousetrails.com/ if any of you are interested they also have a bio of Laurel Lee there.

Getting Things in Order PC Wise

I finally dumped AOL after paying them for years. The past year it had caused me many problems. The constant downloads froze up my computer and numerous attempts with their techs to fix it finally consumed so much of my time I couldn't take it anymore. Today we went to Best Buy and bought Webroot Internet Security which they recommend over the others. I was not about to pay Verizon another $6 a month when I am already paying them $49 for internet service. I am going to bundle up and investigating the cable vs fios prices. I must say since uninstalling AOL and the other virus programs I seem to be running so much smoother.
We were expecting snow today but it was warm and we had a light rain on and off. We got a lot accomplished around the house. Rob is helping me to put all my favorite quotes from various notebooks into one nice one. I am trying to get all that I can organized. I cleaned out my beside table and found a book I had forgotten I had. This week I have already read a Jodi Piccoult book, Change of Heart. Last week I had read another one and right now I am reading one of Mitch Albom's books that I discovered this morning. Being out of work gives me the wonderful luxury of reading. When working full time I simply have little time to read. I have a busy week filled with three doctor visits and I look forward more and more to having the issues resolved that I am experiencing. I have found that if my glucose is too low or my blood pressure is too low I am unable to tell the difference. In either case I get light headed and shakey. I have to be able to get this sorted out and resolved before I can return to work.

A Rough Night

Firstly, I want to thank my Leprechaun for making me another header for my blog, and this one is in Gaelic even for St. Patty's Day. Bless you baby. He did this following a very bad and sleepless night. My dizziness has persisted to the point that Rob has been driving me until I get this under control. It seems there are two separate causes for it. On Saturday it was low blood pressure but today it was too low blood sugar. It is going to take time to get this in check. Last night I awoke at 4 a.m. and with only a nightlight attempted to brush my teeth. Once the brush was in my mouth I tasted something fowl and realized that although it was the size of my toothpaste (I was looking at the back not front of the tube) I had put some ointment on the brush. YIKES. I put on the light and read the fine print and saw it said to call a poison control IF ingested. Of course I was spitting it out, certainly not swallowing it but the worrier inside of me was screaming "Call the poison control and why would you be so careless?" I woke Rob up in my panic and he helped me to find the number in a phone book after the number 411 gave me wasn't working. A very nice young man told me that drug companies do this to protect themselves and not to worry that a small amount of cortizone was not going to harm me if absorbed. Had I eaten the tube (huh?) I would have some serious intestinal distress. Now I climbed back into bed but was in alert mode and it took hours to fall back to sleep. Today we moved about like zombies. I tried to take a nap and but neighbor was yelling and dogs were barking and that was the end of that. So tonight I am exhausted and hoping for a good night's sleep tonight. The temperature has dropped and winds are howling. I always think of homeless people when it gets this cold. I cannot imagine having to endure the elements in bitter cold. Although times are rough and we are cutting corners and have concerns I am so grateful for our warm little home and food to eat and health insurance. Somedays I truly feel that my cup overfloweth.

Taking Care of Business

As of Monday I am out of work on temporary disability. I never knew there was so much paperwork to do. It is my understanding you can only get 60 per cent of your working salary, even if you have a back up insurance as I do. Not sure why then I am paying for that. I guess it will take a few weeks to figure all that out. I cringe knowing how much time my doctor will spend filling out all these forms. My car payment will be covered while I am out by a policy I took, which since I am getting partial salary will certainly help. I learned not to expect a check from disability for eight weeks. That's a long time I think. Thankfully we are not people who spend every last dime and I always have credit cards for an emergency. Of course I am praying I won't have to use them.

I ended up back at the doctor's Monday and I go again next Monday. Next week I also get my stress test which I am a bit anxious about. I also see the endocrinologist and he will let me know if I am on the right medicine and dosage. Have I mentioned how grateful I am to have insurance that does not require me to get referrals for everything I do? It's enough just to make all these appointments, which all require copays. I am trying to keep my stress level to a minimum.

I am concerned about my friend Ronni who has not posted in a week. She had a bone marrow transplant and I know she is going through so very much but she did manage to post right after receiving the new marrow. I check throughout the day and eagerly await her next post just to know she is doing okay. She is so brave, having gone through this twice before. I know it's expecting a lot for her to post I just want to know so badly that she is doing okay. At this point all I can do is pray and wait.

Struggling with Multiple Issues

Yesterday I went to the nutritionist and learned a lot about how to manage carbs. I was so encouraged and feeling much better. A comment from Virginia and an email from my friend Barbara who is diabetic, helped my spirits. Sometimes when you know someone else is going through your same ordeal you don't feel so alone. My ever caring Rob took me to the supermarket where I wanted to pick up something for dinner and lots of fresh veggies. I have learned that the fruit snacks I thought were healthy were really working against me. We picked up some steaks for a special Valentines Day dinner and some necessary items when I suddenly felt very weak. I thought for certain I was going to pass out right there. (Have I mentioned my fear of passing out in public, which has happened on more than one occassion?) I grabbed some nuts and began to munch on them thinking that would help, it usually does. I left Rob with the cart at the check out and stumbled to a bench and tested my blood. The problem was not there so I was stumped. We got home as quickly as possible when I asked Rob (now performing medical duties) to check my blood pressure.

I felt so shaky I could barely make it into the house and a chair. I was shocked to see it was 67/60. I immediately called the internist but since it was Saturday, late morning I got the service. They got a message to her and about an hour later she called back. She was very concerned. I had now had a nice cup of tea and a few glasses of water because I knew the numbers being that close together meant I was dehydrated. She asked me to take it again and she would call me back. I did and now about an hour and a half later, it rose to 110/70. That is a good pressure but you have to realize that for the past month my bottom number has never been below 100. That is why I was prescribed TWO blood pressure meds and a diuretic. Folks, it is quite scary to feel that weak. I am happy to report that by bedtime my bp was up to 137/70 and it was the same this morning. Perhaps the diabetic meds are causing it to be lower than normal. Tomorrow morning I have to go back there and they want to take it. I want to make sure I do not experience that again. I keep thinking had I been alone I would have been in big trouble. Rob is always my guardian angel and he never acts annoyed or inconvenienced. This is such a drastic change from my former spouse who could never be bothered and complained if I woke him up when I was sick. I never knew anyone could be so supportive and I appreciate the many things Rob does for me each and every day.

We ended up sending out for Chinese food. I rarely eat it because of he salt and my blood pressure so I seized the opportunity. I did watch my carbs though.

Tonight we had the steaks and they were quite good. I have to plan out meals to be certain now that I don't have too many carbs.

With Valentines I think about love a lot. Once Oprah said "Love is not a word, it's a behavior." That is so true and it is so wonderfully delicious to feel loved. Thank you Rob for that, above all else. I cherish you.

Taking Control of My Health

Last night as I left my doctor's office I had a lot to think about. She said she thought I would benefit from some temporary disability time off from work. Thing is, I am literraly tethered to a computer and phone system at work. Yes, when calls are slow, we get some time off but for the most part it's a very confining situation. The past few months I have been horribly exhausted and felt lightheaded and distracted much of the time. My boss called me for a pow wow and said my numbers were not what they had been. Not surprising when you look at the overall picture but companies are not in the business of letting you not work when you don't feel well. Today I went to HR and made the necessary arrangements to go out for TDI on Monday.
The sad part is that I will get sixty per cent of my salary. That's not a lot. Of couse I won't be using gas and won't have some expenses that I do have working. As nervous as I am while trying to do this while my husband is on unemployment, I felt I must. The diabetes has not responded well to the first round of medicine, my dose has been doubled now. My blood pressure, although on a diaretic and two other medicines, remains quite high. I deffinitely need some time to relax, get these things in order and remember to breathe.
Tomorrow I am going to a nutritionist who is going to figure out just what I can eat. Carbs, obviously, must be limited. While in the grocery store it's amzing how many things get ruled out already. Weight control products are so salt laden, another thing I must avoid. I need an education by the nutritionist and I am hoping that my weight will drop as my glucose level does. Of course it would be Valentine's Day tomorrow. Godiva chocolate, I doubt we will ever be friends again. I loved you so but living is more important. For all of those who can indulge I salute you.
Happy Valentines Day to all. I wish you a day filled with love and joy.

United Healthcare Leaves Much to be Desired

I am very disillusioned with my healthcare provider. In fact, I plan to speak to my HR dept. about it. It all started when they told me I had no coverage for anything related to diabetes. I spoke to THREE pharmacy agents who all told me this. One of them told me that the only glucometer they ever covered was the One Touch Basic which three pharmacists from various pharmacies told me had not been made in a very long time. Turns out that a wonderful woman who works for CVS, Rosalee got it all straightened out for me while I was at work. I now have all necessary supplies and I even called CVS headquarters to tell them what a great asset she was to their store. Kudos Rosalee and when I have a few extra dollars I plan to surprise you with a bouquet of flowers. The world needs more people like you, who take pride in doing their job AND going the extra mile. I wish United Healthcare had some employees like this because their employees all seem to give the wrong information on a continuous basis. My husband needed a cat scan. Our main doctor's office called them numerous times to arrange the necessary precertification and were told that he was not on my policy. Finally they gave the office manager a number, which appears to be bogus. Adding insult to injury, the idiots sent me a letter with a DIFFERENT precert no and had MY name on it not his. So scheduled cat scan tomorrow will not exist. Good going United Healthcare you have managed to stress me out beyond all imagination in the last month. What I need to do on my time off of work is contantly call your company and get someone who is clueless. When you ask for a supervisor you are told there is a twenty-four hour callback time. Oddly enough, though I have requested callbacks TWICE none have ever taken place. I plan to ask my company NOT to use them again. I paid $603 in insurance premiums in January alone. Do I not deserve some correct information? My cardiologist and I have tried for MONTHS to find a place in network where I can get a stress test. We are given names but when we try to precertify it we are told that in fact, that provider is not in network. Does anyone at that company have a clue what they are doing? I think not.
I used to work for AEtna US Healthcare. Our calls were monitored for accurate information and people who gave out wrong information were let go. We took pride in assisting our customers and supervisor requests were handled IMMEDIATELY and with good results. Shame on you United Healthcare.
You exemplify what is wrong with health care in this country. I will do everything in my power to see you are not my healthcare provider next year.

Grumpy Old Men

Update on "Mr. Mean"
At work we are on teams. I spoke to several of the people on his team who told me that they have all let him have it on numerous occassions for his comments to them. I am now wondering if perhaps he is trying to chastise someone else the way he has been chastised by some of his team members. The thing of it is, as one lady put it "he has issues." I have made up my mind the next time he tries to speak with me I am going to tell him that I find him very rude and offensive. While I try hard to be at peace with everyone I will not allow him to speak to me in a rude or offensive manner. Thank you all for your comments!

Yikes today I had a coworker who is in his 60s really get under my skin. I am a pretty happy go lucky person in general. This guy was a diabetic (he kept reminding coworkers constantly) and when I found out I was diabetic I mentioned it to him. The other day he is getting off the elevator with two of the biggest donuts I have ever seen. At lunchtime I saw him eating two huge pieces of the thick crust pizza. I wondered to myself what kind of diabetes he has because it must not be the kind where carbs matter. Today he gets in the elevator with me. I had a turkey sandwich in a wrap for lunch. He had his usual lunch of what would be two meals for me. He tells me I should really lose weight. He goes on to say I am too heavy for my height. Then he says I would be too heavy if I were a giraffe. I just stared in disbelief. This same man has told me that some of the women on his team avoid him like the plague. I am wondering of a tactful way to handle his comments. Of course he has no tact, but I never lower myself to someone else's level. I try to bring them up to mine when at all possible. This same man was selling candles for his church group last Fall and I purchased the most of anyone else there. My one friend said she thinks he actually thinks he is funny. Sadly, I agree with her. I don't want to spend a lot of time on what I want to say but I want to have something prepared for the next time he is so rude. Any ideas?

Feeling Better

It's getting late and I need my beauty sleep so this will be a quick post.....
I got all my diabetic supplies and am on my way to dealing with this. I am taking a pill twice a day , doing testing to see what my level is and I am eating almost no carbs. Later I won't be as careful probably but right now I have myself on a strict regimen. I am going to see a nutritionist as well. Today I had eggs for breakfast, baked fish and some squash for lunch, chicken and corn for dinner. Yes, I know corn is high in carbs. That was it for the day though.
I am surprisingly more energetic. I have only been on the medicine since Tuesday and I already feel a surge in my energy. Last night we shut the cat out of the bedroom and I actually slept from 10:30 until 6:30 a.m. It was heaven. I am hoping I can repeat that for several nights. It is bitter cold. Our bedroom is over the garage and it gets cold with the door shut. It's still worth it though for a good night's sleep. Tomorrow is a weekend again. The week flew by. Am hoping to take my love out for a nice dinner over the weekend for his birthday. He has a beautiful cake here but I am not eating it. I will post a pic another time. It was lovely.
Good night, sweet dreams to all of you and smile, the weekend is almost here.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROB

THIS IS ROB. (a few years ago before his BIG birthday.) SOMETIMES I THINK HE'S THE WORLD'S GREATEST HUSBAND. OTHER TIMES I KNOW THAT HE IS FOR CERTAIN!
I met Rob nearly nine years ago it was Feb. 13th to be exact. We had been in the same chat room on AOL for two years prior to that and had slowly gotten to know each other. He asked for my number and we talked on the phone and he sent snail mail letters. I finally drove up to Rhode Island to meet him when his father was in his final days of battling bone cancer. Right away I could see he was a magical Leprechaun and I never felt so comfortable in my life with anyone. I had just ended a long marriage and I knew the last thing in the world I wanted was to have another husband. I made sure I told Rob that on our first date. His response was that was fine with him because he never wanted to get married. We got married in August of 2002 and he was ready before that. Rob has seen me through a lot. I'm not always the easiest person to deal with but he manages. I think I'll keep him.
Happy Birthday Baby and I wish you many more. Over the years I hope you will see all your hopes and dreams come true. You are loved.