Kicking Back a Bit

This week I was fortunate to get Friday off work. When workload is light some of us are allowed to take the day off, unpaid of course. I jumped at the chance. (Dismissing thoughts of new couch which had been ordered but not yet paid for, or car repairs being done on Monday). My friend and her husband came about four p.m. on Friday. They said they were staying for the whole weekend but ended up leaving on Saturday. My friend is usually able to drink and hold her liquor. Not sure why but Friday night after a few margaritas she was not feeling well. She tossed her cookies several times and once there was a mess to clean up in my guest room. Her husband was now glued to the tv watching the olympics so that job fell to me. Ugh. She did come with dinner in hand, chicken breasts for the grill, tomatoes from her garden which were delicious and even cheesecake for dessert. Did I mention Patron tequilla? Whew.
On Saturday she woke up at 6:30 and went downstairs for a snack. That of course set my dog wanting to be investigate and we were woken up. My house is a difficult house to entertain in.
There is no family room or den, just a small living room with the tv in it. When a guest takes the remote and puts on what they want there is no other place for others to have quiet unless they go outside. The kitchen has a partial wall and is completely open to the living room so you cannot really have a conversation there when the tv is loud. I am not a fan of sports on tv and I found myself doing things like laundry to avoid that room. Later we did go out for a nice lunch and popped into a few stores. Got some nice soaps for sale. I also splurged on some "hotel quality"....make that 5 star hotel quality sheets. Over the past few years I have had the worst sheets. I have a thick mattress and some don't accomodate that. These have deep pockets and I just put them on the bed. Tonight I shall luxuriate on cotton sateen sheets with a very high thread count. On yes, life is good. I am enjoying a quiet Sunday at home and tonight the luxury of cotton sateen. Does it get better than this? :)

Just another brick in the wall

Somedays are so repetitious that I want to scream. Then come the weekends and I fantasize about what will happen and it is very far from the reality of what does happen. The dog wakes us up by 7 a.m. For the life of me I don't know how anyone else is able to sleep late who has a pet but Duffy breathes heavy and whines. By the time I get up and go downstairs to let him outside I am now fully awake. I never can get a nap because later in the day the neighborhood kids are out there making a ton of noise. This neighborhood has the most kids I have ever seen. Note to self never buy another house in the winter months when you can't judge this. I am more and more thinking my next purchase will be in an adult community. Not that I dislike children but at my stage of life when I don't have little ones the noise is distracting from my senior activities such as reading books or gardening. Neighbors drop by which causes Duffy the Lunatic to swing into action. He barks and growls and then said neighbors rarely want to come inside. This defeats the purpose of them coming I think.

I received a disturbing email this week from a family member (sort of). In it they accused me of not appreciating my husband followed by another offensive remark. I appreciate my husband immensely. People are so quick to judge others. They have no idea what it's like to work a stressful job and rush home and then deal with dinner on the table, greeting the pets, having someone at the door and their phone call. I need a bit of downtime and sometimes my darling who has been home two hours already loses sight of that. He tries to make my arrival a welcoming time but sometimes one just needs to slither into the comfy chair and regroup.
(Author of email frequently refers to hubby's childhood home as his home. His home (by his choice) has been here in NJ with me the last eight years and he has emphasized this many times with this being ignored.)

I have ordered a sofa which is not beautiful as my last new sofa I ordered was. This was chosen for comfort and quality. I am hoping we will really enjoy it. We picked a fabric and it will be another two months before we can take delivery. It is hard when you are also working around other items in the room colorwise. My chair and a half is gold, eggplant and a brownish/green and the sofa will be a brownish gold quality fabric. I would rather buy something once of quality than replace several inexpensive items over and over.

I am tired and heading to the shower. Trying to get my mind ready to return to work after a three day weekend this week. Next weekend we are having houseguests, my friend and her husband. They are bringing plants and going to do some gardening work for me that I have not been able to do. Looking forward to that. There are just not enough visits with friends these days.

Doing the Right Thing

Today I did something I never expected I would have done. I accompanied my ex spouse to a doctor for a visit. He began having memory difficulties twenty years ago after what was probably a partial complex seizure. Since then his short term memory has been problematic.
He also began having some violent outbursts shortly afterwards. When he has seen doctors he has not been able to relate the things that he cannot remember. I offered to go and fill that in for him at his new neurologist today and I did.

What is interesting is the feedback I have received from others. Some praised me for being so kind to someone who in the past didn't show me much kindness. Others said I should have named a price to do this for him and guaranteed I would get something back out of it. That is just not me. I did mention to him today that as part of my divorce settlement I was getting his life insurance. When he retires in two days the value of what it was at my divorce will be reduced by 90%. He never told the lawyer that the policy would drop to that when he retired. Several years ago I would have come completely unhinged by this. Today I am a mellower person. I brought this to his attention and I am hoping he may do something to compensate me for this, if not then so be it. I cannot give him the power to make my life miserable. I won't do that to myself.

I am so tired. Although I love having an extra day off of work the ten and a half hour days are so long and tiring. I would prefer a five day week instead. Going to see if I can get something done about that.
Time for bed and hopefully a good night's sleep.

WF

For the first time in my life. I am a minority in the workplace. When most people think of a minority they think of race. There are many factors which can apply to being in the minority.

I am a middle aged employee. It hurts to even say or write it. In the workplace there are so many people in their twenties or thirties. There are about half a dozen of us who are fiftyish.

The younger of the employees have been going to movies, out to dinner, for drinks and even organizing social activities. I am in the minority also by being married. Most are single or divorced. After working ten hour days (which means I am gone from my home for twelve hours) I come home, usually express gratitude for something my loving spouse and caretaker has prepared for me to consume, try to veg out in front of the TV and prop my feet up for two hours before falling into my bed and slipping into a comalike state. (Oddly enough I wake about 4 a.m. the next day and often cannot go back to sleep.) The next day I listen with sheer amazement to how these youthful coworkers went out to dinner, had drinks and went to a club to dance while I slept. I still seem to be more tired than they are. Having said that, I am not sitting there consuming several Red Bulls as they do. I have ONE caffeinated coffee and a soft drink at lunch time. Some of these people make towers with their empty cans. I have to wonder if they were forced to stop this habit if they would crash and burn.

I work with a melting pot of people. I enjoy that. We are a company of diversity. I find it fascinating to talk to people from India about the ashrams and other aspects of their religion.

I have been in conversations where I was the only white person and the conversation was about discrimination and I was told that because of my complexion I would never be the victim of that. I was the minority for the moment and for the first time in my life I realized what that felt like.

Life is so interesting. Even though there are times where I am a bit uncomfortable I am still learning. I am getting to know the most wonderful woman in her late fifties. She is very wise and I am the recipient of many of her insights. I hope I never stop learning.

This weekend I get to spend time with my grandmother. She will be turning 96 this Tuesday and I get to spend that special day with her. I was realizing the other day what a young grandmother she was. I was born when she was just 42. I was 12 when she was my age now. She has enriched my life in so many ways. She looks fabulous for her age and I have more gray hair (underneath the dye) than she does. I have seen her mellow with age. She doesn't feel that divorce is the end of the world as she once did. She actually deffended me to a minister. She accepts the interracial couples in our family and often comments about the beauty of the babies.

She has seen so much. She buried her parents, seven siblings and her husband. She has lived a rich life and her own mother lived to be 97. She can still drive if necessary and she still gardens and scrubs her kitchen floor from time to time on her knees. You know, they just don't make 'em like that anymore. I hope to have her for a few more years. In her words "God willing".

Ten hours to the weekend

My ten hour days are longggggggggggggggggg. Although I love having my Tuesdays off the four days I work are really difficult at times. This week we had a lot of system issues which caused me to make a mistake. That gave me stress. Thankfully my boss took care of it for me and knowing someone has your back and is working for you really helps.

My birthday was Tuesday. I was sick with a sinus infection. Really knocked me for a loop.
My three brothers called to wish me a happy birthday and my sister. That is rare. We had planned to do dinner and a movie but I wasn't up for it. Another day. I did get my cake and it was lovely and ever so delicious. The following day my neighbor showed up with a gift as I was opening a box which arrived earlier in the day. My mother-in-law sent me a generous gift of cosmo supplies, a fabulous hand painted martini glass and even some snacks. Guess what yours truly will be sipping this weekend? My niece is coming to visit my parents with her baby, Harrison. He is a cutie only a few months old. Seeing him will be a treat. Hoping I can find a few minutes to pick him up something.

My yard looks so beautiful. Our shrubs are covered in white or pink flowers. My rose of sharons are covered in huge blooms, my Princess Diana rose bush has the most gorgeous blooms and even the side has huge day lily blooms. For my birthday I selected a beautiful clay bird bath. It's truly a work of art, will try to get some pics of it. How I love nature. Yesterday at work a wonderful gentle soul from India was praying. He told me that each morning they must praise the sun to get good luck for the day. Interesting. Someday I hope to be able to go to an ashram to enjoy the meditation. In the meantime my heart does give thanks for the beauty of my own tiny yard and the creatures that share it with me.

Happy 4th of July weekend

I truly enjoyed seeing my bff at her daughter's wedding. Whew it was hot in Philadelphia last weekend as we took a trolley tour of the city in a bus with no a.c. The bride was lovely wearing a gown she designed. The bride wore hot pink satin shows that were so pretty and her bridesmaid gowns matched. The flowers were hot pink for the most part and so beautifully done by the bride's Aunt Suzanne who flew in from Germany with her son Zach for the wedding. Sue worked so hard for days getting things just so. There were no paper mache containers but lovely glass held the lovingly placed blooms. No one type of flower but everything imaginable from roses to hydrangae blooms. The cocktail hour and reception were held at the Seaport Museum. While we dined we overlooked water. Of course we enjoyed ourselves dancing and the wedding cake was served surrounded by the most wonderful summer berries; strawberries, raspberries and blueberries. When the reception ended we journeyed back to the hotel and sat shooting the breeze for a couple more hours. The next day we had brunch then made our way home. It's nice to get away and it was a lovely weekend. It is so good to sleep in your own bed though!

Yesterday I woke up feeling achey with intestinal distress. I just hung out on my sofa watching a Law & Order marathon. Low key. We didn't even fire up the grill. Today my sister arrives from New York for a few days. Guess we will have some kind of dinner with her at my parents later.
I remember being a kid and just loving the fireworks. I remember the joys of sitting on the steps of the house I grew up at having ice cream and having friends drop by. It doesn't have the same feeling anymore. I am just glad to have a paid holiday from work. I have been really tired the past two weeks. The doctor did my blood tests and everything is okay except for my "blood thinner" that needs increasing. Hoping that will have me feeling better soon. Now time to get the day started! Perhaps a little shopping sometime this weekend.

Thoughts on Friendship

Today I am getting ready to leave to attend the wedding of my best friend's daughter. I remember the day the lovely Elizabeth was born. Her Mom had a son and was so hoping for a daughter. She called me the minute she was born, from the delivery room! She was overjoyed. She had just moved into her first house after having had a condo when her son was born. I was there to help her move, she was eight months pregnant and wasn't able to do much more than supervise. We met when we were ten years old and we are now fiftyish. Forty years of friendship. We have had a falling out along the way. I was very hurt over a letter she sent me when angry. She asked me to forgive her before the letter arrived but it took me years to get over what was said. Looking back it wasn't so bad. It's just that the letter arrived shortly before my son was diagnosed with leukemia. She called him in the hospital and offered to come be there with us. I wasn't ready at that time. When I was ready and called her she was there within hours. We have been through so very much together. I have been at two of her weddings and she two for me. We have been through pregnancies, births, moves and deaths of loved ones. We are going through menopause together after years of getting our periods on the same day! Her friendship is a sheltering tree. People say we are so much alike.She is tall and thin and I am short and heavy. We share a rich history. Noone gets me like she does. The private jokes go back for decades. Damn, I am so lucky and today I get to go and share in one of her special days again.
What really put me over the top was when she called last week and we were talking. Her daughter was discussing the seating arrangements and she asked where I would be sitting. Her daughter responded that I would be sitting with the family because I am the same as their biological family. I was so touched. Her daughter has decided to use the name Elle instead of her full name. That makes our connection even stronger. Today is a special day for a young lady who is family to me and I feel honored to be sharing it with her other family. Today once again I will be sharing the life of my friend who has become my sister of the heart. It feels so good.
Thank y0u Deb for being a part of my life. I am hoping there are many more memories yet to be made. Love you girlfriend.

Just a brief update

The past few weeks have been so hectic. At work they keep changing things and that is stressful. You are always monitored for quality and when things keep changing that can be difficult. Still, I am so grateful to have a job with good benefits and a steady paycheck, especially in this economy.

This past weekend we learned my father, who was vacationing at his home in upstate New York had a medical crisis. He had three seizures (in which he bit his tongue badly) and was not coherent for over a day afterwards. They rushed him to the local hospital where he was put in ICU. That was fortunate since his heart actually stopped during his first hour there. My one brother lives locally with his wife and grown daughter and my youngest brother happened to be there with them along with his wife. They told me not to come and I kept in touch constantly on the phone. Early Monday morning I spoke with my mother who said they had found something on his lung. Since the tumor removed from his liver was cancer the doctor felt this was another tumor related to that one. On Monday I walked into work and told my boss what was happening. He immediately told me to go be with my father and not to worry about leaving. I immediately called Rob and he left his job and we drove the 268 miles to the hospital. When we arrived he was still in ICU but seemed in much better shape than I had anticipated. By the following day he had improved so much that he was taken out of ICU and put in the regular section of the hospital. The spot on his lung turned out to be pneumonia. His potassium was completely gone as a result of ten days of chronic diarrhea caused by a medicine a doctor had put him on for Krohn's disease. He also had a bad infection. Antibiotics, many bags of IV potassium and stopping the medicine worked wonders.

While up there we got to see Seneca Lake and my older brother's home for the first time. I was sorry I didn't have my camera with me. We drove home late Tuesday evening and I was back at work on Wednesday. My father continues to improve. What an amazing recovery.

This weekend we are off to Philadelphia to take part in my best friend's daughters wedding. I am excited. The downside of going away is always leaving the pets. Our dog is very shy and doesn't like other people coming here and us leaving. While we were in New York my sister-in-law took care of him. We have a neighbor who will be taking care of him over the weekend for us. I love this dog but it makes it so difficult for us to go away and sometimes I envy people who have the freedom of just packing a bag and going. I am going to try to find a kennel for him.

Well time to get ready for work. I am leaving early today so I can get my nails done for the wedding. They look so bad. I also need to pack and frankly I am tired and want to make sure I go there rested. Hotel service, oh yes! I am overdue for a bit of pampering.

Hope your weekend is a good one!

It's a Balancing Act

I really enjoyed my four day long weekend last week...trouble is I tried to fit way too much in.
My m i l's birthday is today. Last Sunday we went shopping and I bought her a digital keychain that holds 60 photos. When we got home my husband and I went through dozens of pics and chose the ones to put onto it. We discovered the USB cable was missing from the box. No problem because we had one from a GPS that would work. Thing is, I realized that in order to charge the battery she would need the one that was supposed to be in the box. Monday we had to see my parents and were so tired from all the yardwork and house chores that we then fell asleep. When we woke up I said that I would go on Tuesday to get the missing cable. I have Tuesdays off now. It's a trade off for working four ten hour days. I went on Tuesday and got the missing cable but problem being, I got the box in the mail too late and she didn't have it for today. I feel guilty about that. We called and apologized twice but I really do feel badly, especially with this being her first birthday without her daughter (and the anniversary of her daughter's death is a week from today.) Tomorrow she will receive a nice box filled with gifts and a check. I hope it will give her a nice lift. It's really hard to remember everyone in a timely fashion. When I wasn't working full time it was a lot easier.

I am preparing for my best friend's daughter's wedding the end of the month. I had to find a nice dress, have the dress altered, upon trying on the dress, realized it need further alterations, and still don't know what shoes I will be wearing! I was fortunate to find a dress that I really like.
It is black but with a matte stripe also black running through the fabric. It is piped in a beautiful chartreuse satin piping and I found a Pashmina the same color to wear over it since it has thin staps and is a very summery dress. Perfect for dancing and having a grand time. I am looking forward to a get away. Haven't spent a night away from home since last year when we were in my mother-in-law's and it was a rough week then. We need a night of happiness even if it is costing us a lot with the gas and tolls and hotel fees and the clothes and the gift. It will be a joyous event with people who are like a second family to me.

My father is not doing too well. He is depressed. He went to his house at the foot of the mountains in upstate New York. He walked in the house and fell on his face receiving a few injuries. They only have cell phones they use when there and they turned off the ringer and can't figure out how to turn it back on. My father forgot HIS cell phone (all the people up there had his no. not my mother's) along with his briefcase with all his house papers in it. My mother didn't fare much better forgetting her suitcase and realizing she only had the clothes on her back. This is over five hours away from their home here. They are planning to return on Wednesday and he has a full calendar of medical visits then. It has been strange not to speak to them except for twice when they called this week. Week before last I called one afternoon and my father began to say things he had never said my entire life such as that he loved me and appreciated all the help I had given to my parents. This almost scared me. He says that he belongs in a nursing home. He begs my mother to sell their houses and move into something that won't require upkeep and be so costly. She clings to that house even though she admits it's too much for her to care for. It's almost as though that house represents life to her.

Work is a good distraction for me from these problems. Work creates stress in a different way but I love the company that I work for. There are many coworkers I am fond of. Each day new things come into play that keep me on my toes. Tomorrow there will be changes again and my boss who has been out for two weeks for the birth of a child will be returning. I look forward to that.

This past weekend I emptied out all my pantry (and the overflow pantry in the garage.) I checked dates on all the jars and cans and boxes. I threw out a huge bag of expired items.
I have been so busy with working that I haven't cooked much and I wanted to make sure there was nothing old that I might grab in a hurry. This was symbolic for me. I have regained control of my life. The things that have expired are gone and what is left is neatly arranged. I am comfortable in my marriage, my home, my job and even my neighborhood. When I think back to all that has happened in the last decade it's a lot. I am a stronger, more patient person than I was back then. It's a good feeling and I like where I am. It was worth the struggles that it took to get here.

This and That

Today is one of my days off. I always spend those days running errands in the morning and trying to get things done that I cannot during my four long work days. This third day off each week is like a gift. One day I hope to actually sleep in but that hasn't happened yet...this is only my third Tuesday off thus far.

I am preparing for a wedding I will be attending late June. This is the child of my childhood best friend who graduated from college last weekend. Actually, she received her master's last weekend in Washington, D.C.. The wedding will be a large affair in Philadelphia. I had to book a room, find a dress and am still working on preparations for my dog's care in my absence. I feel old that I could have a friend with a child this old. That friend is my age and her child is younger than mine.

I have been very concerned about one of my neighbors. She went through a divorce about seven years ago when her husband told her he wanted her to leave the home on his family's property. He gave her a nice settlement but her earning capacity was a fraction of his. She bought a small home and her salary would have been enough had she lived modestly. After nearly twenty years of living on his and her salary she didn't change her lifestyle. Now she has refinanced her home several times and will probably lose it. Her friends begged her to stop living so far above her means but I realized this was some type of emotional issue she had. She has been extremely generous to all who know her. She lent so much money to people she called friends who have no intention of paying her back. How sad. I have tried to caution her that in life we want to call so many acquaintances friends when they have not earned that priviledge. I have offered to help her try to regroup her finances but she doesn't want that. She wants some benefactor to bail her out. That will not happen. This past weekend with this present situation she chose to once again go to Atlantic City. That really made me sad but I had to accept that it is her life and she is in control. No one but she can turn it around and I doubt that she will. I don't know what will happen to her. While I want to help people I have made the choice that I must help those who are helping themselves. I don't have the emotional or financial means to throw around casually. What I find the saddest is that she takes no responsibility for this. It's her ex's fault and the friends who didn't pay her back. I think that if you haven't matured by forty it's probably not going to happen anytime soon. Sometimes people are their own worst enemies and there is just nothing you can do to help them.

My son's birthday and other weekend stuff

Picture my 95 yr old grandmother, my son Tom and myself

Today is my son's birthday. Actually I was in labor for 36 hours with him expecting him to be born on May 3rd my grandmother's anniversary. Instead he took his time and arrived at 3:47 p.m. on May 4th. He has my face but his coloring is not mine....while I have black hair and hazel eyes, he had strawberry blonde hair and the most beautiful blue eyes imaginable. He was long 22 inches and weighed 8 lbs. 3 1/2 ozs. His feet never fit into newborn size shoes. My son had a life of financial comfort but he was always self conscious. I fear being an only child failed to give him socialization skills that others had. He lived next door to a family of six who constantly told him that only children were selfish and spoiled. Ironically there were three only children (boys) on our street that were highly intelligent and better behaved than the six but I digress.......

when my son turned 16 he developed a bad case of chicken pox. Shortly afterward he was fatigued and running high fevers. He developed leukemia. Prognosis was poor, he was double risk and expectation for a high year survival was only 30%. For the next three and a half years I eat. slept and drank leukemia treatments. I took a chance and had him in a clinical trial for an agressive protocol which gave him a chance to survive. The complications were more severe but I knew that we had no match for a bone marrow transplant. His only real chance was a cure at that point. Although fear surrounded me I had to be brave and it paid off. He has now been cancer free for over ten years. His body is not what it once was. He struggles with anger at times and also depression. I feel they are finally lessening. He feels that people can sense that he is different. As a cancer survivor myself I know it takes a very long time to let go of the emotions that gave you strength when you needed it. I pray there will be a day where he can put his experience on the back burner and give that energy to things that will enhance his life.

My father is battling his emotions as well as his physical limitations. For someone who was as strong as a bull to have to sit on a shelf while trying to select a television, is difficult to watch.

We took him for a new tv yesterday and Rob was kind enough to put it together and get it all set for him. He is shrinking and smaller each time I see him. He always had a huge stomach and it's nearly gone. He has lost over fifty pounds at this point. He is so fragile. It's indescribable to watch. My mother has no empathy for him and is drowning in her own self pity. It's hard to be patient with her right now. I work long hours and sometimes have to take dinner there or there is none. They both need help and I am trying to work at getting a counsellor to go to their home and give them both support. I was the mediator yesterday and I spent hours and it was so draining for me. I have my own problems to deal with.

My husband's job site will be closing in December. He will stay on until then. This week they are sending him to Boston and he will be gone four days or so. During that time I will be working ten hour days and have to arrange for help with my dog being let out. I have an out of state wedding in Philadelphia to attend in June and need to be making plans for that as well. Somedays there are not enough hours in the day.

Today I am going to take a long, hot bubble bath before my baby boy arrives. We have a parve cake for him. Parve is a Jewish term for non dairy. Locally there is a good bakery here that offers parve cakes. Most Jewish people do not mix meat with dairy so this cake can be eaten with meat since it has no dairy. We are Catholic so why a Jewish cake you may wonder. My son has been a vegetarian for years and years. Now he has stoppped eating eggs as well. This cake has no eggs so he will be happy. Kids are so hard to please!

Today is a wonderful day. I celebrate not just the birth but the survival of my child. Life is good.

Praise be.

Peace and love and wishes for all that is good to you all.

"You have no birthday because you have always lived.; you were never born, and never will you die. You are not the child of the people you call mother and father, but their fellow adventurer on a bright journey to understand the things that are."

Richard Bach: There's No Such Place as Far Away

On my son's 21st birthday he found this book and bought it home from the library for me to read. He said that it always seemed like he and I were fellow travellers through life, learning many lessons together. So true. At some point your child becomes your friend (or not.)

Thank you to him for all the many things he taught me, mainly about forgiveness.

UPdates

It's been awhile since I have made an entry. Last weekend my sister came for a visit. We went shopping on Saturday afternoon. That was the first time I have spent any time with her in quite awhile. The rest of the weekend I had shopping to do and errands to run and began the latest Jodi Picoult book I purchased, Nineteen Minutes. It's really good and I have been slowly reading chapters here and there.

For the past few weeks I have been working the shift I love 9 to 5:30. I have one more week on that shift before we change to working a four day, ten hours per day week. I know it will be a difficult adjustment and I am not looking forward to it. I have worked ten hour days on days where I was required to work two hours overtime. They are long. Thing is with gas prices steadily rising I will be saving one round trip per week and the travel time and food expenses so it will have many advantages. Things at work have been going well. This week my ratings were excellent which means bonus money and it has now become a comfort zone and less stressful.

Spring is here. Flowers are blooming and our grass is filling in nicely. I love the crisp air in the mornings. It's that time of year where you are not sure what to wear. You can leave the house dressed too warmly and by afternoon be too hot or you can go dressed for summer and if the temperature suddenly drops you are cold. I am wearing some summer shoes these days and looking for other things that are less warm.

Well, I am tired and going to try to get back to sleep. Going to do some shopping tomorrow.
I purchased the most beautiful summer handbag. The flowers are handmade in leather and the colors are beautiful. Honestly, it's a work of art. Will try to post a picture.

The Long and Winding Road

It's been almost two weeks since I made my last post. My life is ever changing....every day brings change and I have had to learn to roll with the punches. Some of the punches are more like kicks in the arse but I'm still on my feet so it's all okay.

At work I was granted the priviledge of working the good shift, 9a.m. until 5:30 p.m. It's been so great and I have about three more weeks of that. Then, another change. We will be changing over to a four day work week, working ten hour days. I have some serious reservations whether I can make it through four consecutive days working such long hours but time will tell. My employer has graciously given me a raise of $2 an hour which comes out to $360 a month and several thousand dollars a year. There are so many things I love about this company. Innovative and cutting edge but always thinking of the needs of their employees. Our medical benefits are really great. On Monday when I found out the good and bad news I hurried home arriving at a great time of 6 p.m. looking forward to having a dinner during the work week with my S.O.

When I arrived home he seemed trouble and I asked what was wrong. That's when I got sucker punched in the belly. His employer (where he has worked for eight years) closed down the department he worked in that day. They told him they would keep him until the place actually closed down sometime in December of 2008. They will be giving him a severance package which will be okay but not enough to actually provide any security. Then his search for a new job will begin. I couldn't even eat dinner at that point. A few hours later when I had time to process this information, I realized that we would be okay. My medical benefits are vastly superior to his.

They did offer to locate him to Boston and he is from New England. I don't want to leave my job, our house or my son. If I were to lose my job between now and then it's something to be considered but for right now I am not inclined to want to do that.

My father has had one heck of a time finding an oncologist that accepts his insurance. He is retired military and he is not allowed to use Medicare, although he worked as many years for private business as he did for the Navy. It's kind of a dirty trick because their insurance is not taken by that many doctors. I think the government should let HIM chose what he wants to use since he made tens of thousands over the year towards Medicare. I don't want to get started on healthcare in this country but suffice it to say it leaves much to be desired.

This year I think I will have a lot of change in my life. I am hoping to make a career where I am now. The longer I am there the more I like it. I am getting a comfort zone there. Thing is the job is stressful and the turn over is high.

I have been watching American Idol and one of my favorites, Michael Johns got eliminated.

Thank God for DVR. I just love this thing. Last weekend it captured "The Red Violin" one of the best movies ever. Well, time to get some things done before I watch "Fractured" tonight.

Be well and remember that life is short, do what you want to do NOW.

Untitled

This past ten days have been so hectic. My father had an intestinal blockage and ended up in the hospital for surgery. We know he is in congestive heart failure and he seems to be weaker, little by little. They did an ultrasound and found that a spot on his liver observed a year ago was bigger. During the surgery the surgeon removed it stating it was "bigger than a golf ball and very ugly." We learned on Thursday that it was malignant and an oncologist was brought in. I was surprised at how hard my mother seemed to take that news. One day when we were discussing his heart she said "When he goes I will lose my fighting partner." They have always disagreed and fought over the years. When my father did try to be affectionate she pushed him away.
It seems strange now to see her being caring. He comments that she is too old to be caring for him.

My job has me working at least 42 hours a week. My work schedule coincides with hospital visiting hours. We were at the hospital several times last weekend but I didn't seem him during the week. He finally came home after spending several days in ICU, a few on the ventilator.
He is very weak and has a visiting nurse and a walker. The end seems to be in sight. I told my mother that he has had a long and good life. She says life is never long enough. I just keep thinking about my sister-in-law who died leaving a young child. My father has seen his children grown and their children, even the youngest grandchild just got his driver's license. He now has three great grandchildren. My mother seems frustrated when I point out to her that we all have to die one day. I don't know how she will handle it when the time comes.

I was trying to think of good things about my father and the one thing that came to mind was a pearl of wisdom he once gave me. We were discussing my ex husband. My father felt that he could provide me with financial security and that should be enough. I told him that just wouldn't cut it for me. During our conversation I told him that it was odd that supposedly the opposite of love was hate. I don't hate my ex or anyone else. My father pointed out the opposite of love is not hate but apathy. I then pointed out that my ex had never showed up in court for our divorce hearing. He had never once asked me NOT to divorce him. My father then admitted that he finally agreed that the ex no longer loved me. From then on he never tried to tell me I made the wrong decision. There was another bit of wisdom he gave me too.

This year it felt like we didnt have Easter. We were all on pins and needles and my father was in ICU on a respirator and not doing well. We went to church and there was no family gathering or dinner. Instead Rob and I went to a diner. For the first time ever there were no Easter decorations or baskets. I did manage to pick up a chocolate rabbit for my son. He just got that today. I think it was so hard telling him today that the tumor was cancer. When my son was diagnosed with leukemia my father promised him he would be alright. He went on a fast for seven days, a real fast and prayed during that time for his grandson. He promised him that he would live and he did. He told him that one day he would look back at the chemo and think of it as an inconvenience but a lesson in life. That came true.

So tonight I try to keep all things in perspective. The glass is not half empty or half full. It is what it is....four onces of water. I am a realist. I know far more about cancer than I wish I did.
I don't force the knowledge on other family members, I let them think whatever they want to be comforted. I know that time is limited and in the meantime I have to go through the days doing the best that I can. On Saturday I made my father's favorite dish that I make and took it over and had dinner. First real meal he had in about ten days. He was appreciative. The little things are what matter now. I have to do everything I want to NOW.

There's a lot of noise in my head.......

I have been so tired the past few weeks. I got the flu and it knocked my socks off. It started in my head and then after about a week when I felt the end was in sight moved into my chest where it is remained a thief of sleep and energy. I missed three days of work two weeks ago then managed to go in for two. My coworkers were not happy to see me. I felt somewhat guilty being there but the previous days were unpaid except for one. I got looks as I coughed. I assured them I was on antibiotics for over 72 hours and had no fever. I can be fired for missing too much work and my boss has been very understanding. The following week after coughing most of Sunday night I went back to the doctor and missed work last Monday. A prescription for cough syrup was about all I got...and reassurance that the flu could linger on another week or more. This was not what I hoped to hear. The cough syrup could only be taken when I did not need to be alert.
That meant at bedtime. I had to drag myself to work each day and endured asthmatic bronchitis while trying to asssist customers on the phone and devouring Halls and emptying box after box of tissues. Today I am still dragging a bit and yet I have so much to do. My taxes have not fully been assembled and I don't even know who will be doing them. I have a pile of clothes for the cleaners and errands to run tomorrow on my day off....after I attend mass at 9 a.m. I pray for healing. There are many things I want to do and it's hard to do any of them when I am still fatigued and actually sore from coughing. It does seem better today and I might try to run a few errands I was unable to do last weekend.
I hope none of you have caught this terrible bug. In the Northeast doctors say it has been a terrible flu season. To think I HAD the shot! Well, much to do including seeing that my cotton sweaters get properly laundered today.
Happy Sunday!

IF you want to see me performing the River Dance I'm the one with the longer black hair.
http://www.jibjab.com/sendables/view/7KSXrajfXEu1mUVSihJRSsFk

It's almost here.................

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!!!!!!

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2008

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Beware the Ides of March

I was so looking forward to March......last weekend I woke up very sick. I was out of work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday seeing a doctor on Tuesday as well as last Saturday. Despite the fact that I had my flu shot I got the flu and a sinus infection. It has now moved into my chest and I have the nagging cough that makes people give you "the look". Yesterday I finally made it into the grocery store for just essentials and that wore me out. Today we went out for lunch and then planned to go to get Rob jeans and then candles. Got the jeans and I rushed him out of the store and back home where I could curl up in the comfy chair and finish reading Eat, Pray, Love.
Very good book and I know I will reread it when my head is clearer. We had planned an elaborate dinner but I couldn't handle that either. I need a good week of chicken soup and foot massages and pampering. I am working full time though and that is not to be. We were supposed to get a raise that has not yet come through. I was relieved to learn that I will be working 8 hour Mondays instead of the ten hour Mondays I had been working for a few months. That will help.
I got my significant other sick....I warned him to retreat to the guest room but he wouldn't. Luckily for him it didn't hit him nearly as hard and he seems pretty much back to normal.
I am weary and ready to take my cough syrup and call it a night.
I am hoping to wake up tomorrow feeling better and I am getting bitten by the travel bug.
Once I get my bills paid off...............................
my last visit to the emergency room left me owing about $400 and that is WITH insurance.
Fortunately my own insurance has kicked in since then and no ER visit can cost me more than $100. I can rest a bit easier knowing that. Good night. Sleep tight.

Saturday..........again.............

The weeks fly by......when I'm working 45 hours a week. At least the weekends seem to come in rapid succession. Somedays the work days go by painfully slowly. Some minutes of taking phone calls from irate people seem to take forever. It's sad to me how volatile so many people are. I can understand anger and frustration but to say you want to physically hurt someone because they didn't give you information (information that the average person already knows) is to me incomprehensible. I won't go into any further details because I don't think I should discuss too much of my job outside of the place I work, but I am sadly disappointed in the behavior of many people. People who would put their minds and bodies at serious risk instead of calmly handling a situation which is easily resolved. I like to think that I am always learning new lessons about life. Perhaps this is yet another. What always comes to mind is that these people who have families must live with their out of control anger. Often as they calm down they begin to admit that they have exaggerated greatly.

For those of you in the blogging community who know Mary aka Alphawoman I received a great hand made card from her this week. She can always take me for a stroll down memory lane. It had the Fab Four on the front. I have so many wonderful memories associated with them. I remember the VERY first time I heard a Beatles song. I was in fourth grade and their hit here "I Want to Hold Your Hand" was hitting U.S. airwaves. I was at my first boy/girl party at a place called Cabin John and these kids, the Delroys had the album. They were playing it and I had my first kiss from a boy playing spin the bottle while hearing the entire album. On a warm summer day by the Chesapeake Bay (Broom's Island to be precise) I was visiting my grandmother's neighbor. My grandmother had a modest summer home there. This girl had the Sargeant Pepper album and I heard it for the fist time that day. This girl was a few years older than I and worldly by my standards. She demonstrated her make out techniques on a pillow for me. That day seemed so special to me that I can still recall the breeze blowing through her bedroom curtains from the bay. The smell of the bay and the fresh seafood that my grandmother had just brought in from her morning harvest. Not to know all the dangers of the world...a time before the Viet Nam War and AIDS. Love was free and easy then. A kinder, gentler time. I wish I could relive that day.........in a sense I can in my mind's eye. Thanks for bringing back those memories.

Love may not be all that you need but it certainly makes the ride worth taking.

Have a great weekend!!

Across the Universerse

Today I finally had the priviledge of watching the movie Across the Universe. It was wonderful and was like being in a time machine. Very thought and memory provoking. I am the next to the oldest of five children. Oldest is my brother Jimmy. During the turbulent Viet Nam war years I worried so that either he or my first serious beau would be drafted. By the time it was their actual time a draft lottery fell into effect and they were low on the list. I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. About eight years ago I came to know a man who served in Viet Nam. He confided a lot of things to me and I realized how deeply troubled he was. He told me that even then decades later the sound of fireworks would make him shake. This man was fortunate enough not to experience hand to hand combat but his wounds were deep and permanent. The Beatles music is so wonderful and evokes so many memories.

I love my weekends but they go by so very fast. I am working 45 hours each week. Five are mandatory overtime. I love the checks but I am weary and often times I am asking myself if this is too much for me. If I stay with this company as of March I will be getting a raise. It is nice to have money to do things but I hate being tired so much. I do have days that I can take off and I need to start planning ahead and doing that. I have made many new friends at this new company.

It is time for dinner once again. During the week I get home too late to have dinner with my husband. That means the weekends are the only times we have meals together. I would love to put my Martha Stewart apron on and present a gorgeous dinner but in all honesty, I am just too tired! I do have a pot roast defrosting for tomorrow but for tonight I think we will be going out again. It's like Anna Quindlen says "You can have it all but not at the same time." I have the financial squares covered but it leaves the domestic squares unchecked. At this stage of my life I know that's okay. For now I am doing what needs to be done. Today I chose to spend a few hours reading and a few hours watching a movie. Sometimes our minds need nurturing more than our bodies. That square had been left unchecked for far too long.

Enjoy the weekend.

Happy Birthday to you..............

Happy Birthday to you...............

Happy Birthday dear Rob

Happy Birthday to YOU!!!!

******Today is Rob's birthday and I committed to making it a birthday celebration weekend. Saturday morning started with a trip out for breakfast at a local cafe which was fabulous! Next we went to Best Buy and I purchased a flat screen TV for this wonderful man. This picture is eight years old but he really likes it so I used it for this tribute. I am happy to report he weighs twenty pounds more than he did in this picture I took of him at his cousin's apartment. The weight agrees with him.

We arrived home and got the TV set up and picked up a new high deff cable box complete with DVR capability. Oh yes, life is good! Rob has thoroughly enjoyed it and as though that were not enough good stuff our cable company is giving a FREE sample of NHL Ice, the hockey channel.

One of the great perks of working is being able to do this kind of stuff. I am putting in 45 hours a week. It's a lot for me. I am having my meds tweeked and undergoing some unpleasant side effects and I have days where I wonder if it's worth it. At work I have made some wonderful friends and the young male supervisors are so helpful and supportive. On Friday I was exhausted and when we realized we would be stuck there nearly an hour longer because of the cue, one of my coworkers/friends came over to give me a big hug. Ivette, you rock, girl!!!!!

I never thought I would meet someone who was so loving, supportive and wonderful as is Rob. Many days I arrive home exhausted and it seems like we don't spend any time together during the week. I feel badly about that but hopefully I will get an early shift next month. Until then, just know that you have made my life something it hasn't been in a very long time. I hope that each birthday will get better for you and that life will get better and easier for us both.

For all that you have done and continue to do on a daily basis, I am grateful. I love you babeeeeee and I pray daily that the best is yet to come. :) OX