Noreaster Hits NJ

I'm sure many of you have felt this storm. We got ten to twelve inches of snow in my area which started about 11 p.m. last night. Not as thick as some snow I have seen but the winds were pretty strong. Thankfully, neither of us had to get out this morning. I did have an appointment but the office called to cancel and advised me to reschedule tomorrow. Since I was hoping to hear the results of the test I had on Friday I was a bit disappointed but no one should have had to drive today. They said NJ state police reported 350 accidents by noon with one fatality. Our neighbors came over about lunch time to start shoveling our driveway for us. Rob had done the sidewalks and patio but was taking a break. I simply cannot say how helpful our neighbors are when you need them. We all watch out for each other. I have never lived in a neighborhood where people were like this and I find it interesting that people here have much less financially than previous areas I have lived.

I finished reading the final book by the author I wrote about, Laurel Lee. She had been diagnosed with Hodgkins disease the year before I had. I had tried to follow her life back then but it was difficult......no Internet. I now know much of what I missed and what her final months were like. It frightens me a bit to think that so many secondary cancers can occur but like her I feel that when you survive cancer and are gifted the time to see your child become a self sufficient adult, you have to see the time you had and not what you will miss. Her children were such beautiful people and had her spirit of helping others.

I have a few more books sitting here to be read and I think I might begin another today. My chef is preparing one of his wonderful pot roasts for dinner.
Might as well take advantage of the oven being on for hours. He pan sears the meat with a searing flower and it makes it so tender. Hope all of you are dry and warm and finding something good in your day.

Medical progress & visit with my friend Laura

Laura, strong and courageous

I have had four medical appointments this week. My calendar was filled. On Thursday I met an endocrinologist, who specializes in diabetes. He was informative and I learned that my leg arteries needed to be ultra sounded, which I did this morning. On Friday I went to the hospital and had about a five hour procedure, start to finish. It was a persentine nuclear stress test. It basically checks your heart to see if you might have any blockages. It involved an IV, my least favorite procedure and injections, one was radioactive. Although I looked throughout the day, I did not glow.:) The team at this hospital are wonderful. I explained up front that they should expect me to be somewhat neurotic. When they saw how fast my pulse was, they took me seriously. The test went fine and I am hoping that I will get the results from the cardiologist on Monday. I expect they will be fine. After Monday (my fifth medical appointment/procedure in one week) I can have a few days off. I have not been sleeping well and have been very tired. I look forward to that. I am hoping and praying that all tests come back fine.

Last night around dinner time my friend Laura called. Her husband and son were out of town and she wanted me to come visit. It had been two years since we last got together because of my job taking so much of my time and her dealing with a home remodeling that went out of control and other issues. It was so good to see her. I had her birthday presents with me since her birthday was this Thursday but she didn't think she could get together that day. We ordered Chinese food in and just sat and chatted for about three hours. It takes an hour to get there and I wanted to leave before 10:30 because I was so tired. It is the first time in awhile I have driven that far by myself. I am testing out a new blood pressure medication that is in the form of a patch. Yes, it seems odd like I am secretly trying to stop smoking and I am hoping I won't have to keep explaining it to people if they happen to see it. Laura's family are really a handful. Her only son has hemophilia (he has had a difficult life because of the severity of his) and her husband is always looking for her to set things right for him. He is a nice guy but not every woman could handle the pressure as she does. They had gone to the Nascar race and then he went to a bar and had a few drinks. He called her (in NJ) to ask what his room number was and where their son was. We were laughing and rolling our eyes. He got frustrated and hung up. She then had to call her son and have him go locate his Dad, which he did quickly and without a problem. When my son had leukemia I met Laura because both our sons had the same hematologist/oncologist. We have known each other about eighteen years now. It never escapes me that while my son had three and a half difficult years, his illness ended and he was able to go on with a somewhat normal life. Her son will never enjoy one day without concern for his illness. He has changed from the little boy who loved over sized stuffed animals into a young man. He has a steady girlfriend and a new car. He is finally working full time and earning a good living. That does a mother's heart good and her friend's also. Sometimes you just need to sit with an old friend and look at where you've come from and enjoy the moment. That was a big dose of much needed medicine for me. Today I am going to take it easy...have a long, luxuriating bath, listen to music and feel that I am finally moving towards my goal of having all my health issues under control. Let it be.

Missing Jen

This is my sister-in-law, Jennifer. We lost her on June 8, 2007 when she developed a very rare form of cancer, peripheral nerve sheath cancer. This cancer develops in certain people who have Neurofribramotosis which she did.

She would have been 35 on February 4th. She left behind a daughter who is now ten years old. We call, write and visit her whenever possible. The last night of Jen's life we visited with her (we had spent several days with her before that) and we went back to my mother-in-law's house after the hospital. My mother-in-law has several sisters and their daughters who have a "girls' night out" monthly. It was planned for that evening and at the last minute they chose to spend it with Jen at the hospital. The staff of the hospital provided food for them and while they were having their final visit with Jen, we were there with her daughter. Her daughter wanted me to sleep with her and we laid there with me trying to answer all the questions she had and me wondering if she could possibly comprehend that at eight years old she was losing her mother. The following morning at about 5 a.m. the phone rang. I jumped up and went into the kitchen where my mother-in-law was talking. "She's gone." We cried quietly and when my niece C got up we didn't tell her about her mother. That was her grandmother's decision. C was playing the violin in a concert at her school and was so excited. Her grandmother wanted her to have that day to enjoy. After the concert we picked her up from school and brought her home and her grandmother put her on her lap and told her that her Mommy was gone. She was very quiet. We had already gone to the funeral home before the concert and made all the arrangements. Jen and I both loved gerbera daisies. Her Mom wanted her to have those flowers so we coordinated and while her Mom gave her the casket spray we bought her a spectacular heart that was put over the casket. We focused so much the next few days on the little girl who had lost her Mommy. At one point when I cried she came over to me put her arm around my neck and gently whispered "My Mommy loved you very much."

I have the things Jen gave me here. I look at them frequently. My favorite is the unicorn she gave me. At our wedding they played the unicorn song and she and I alone danced to it. The following Christmas we each gave each other a unicorn (totally unplanned). Jen was so many things....a beautiful smile, a great sense of humor, a breath of fresh air. After dating her brother for awhile she asked me if I thought we would get married. I told her that at that point I was beginning to wonder if he was every going to propose. She laughed and said "If he doesn't marry you I will!" From then on we joked about that. She sent me emails and signed them your lil unicorn sister. Jen was my sister of the heart. She was not perfect (none of us are) and I will never try to make her into something she was not. She would have hated that. I just wonder at what point I will stop missing her so much. I wonder what goes on in the thoughts of a ten year old child. I do know for Christmas when asked what she wanted she told her grandmother her Christmas wish was to spend time with her mother. I guess throughout her life there will be many moments where her mother's presence will be sadly missed. I hope I can be there for the important moments. Jen knew we would always be watching out for her as much as possible.




Forever in our hearts

My Love of Reading

The last entry about books started me to thinking about my love for reading and how it all came about. I really have my great grandmother to thank for that. My great grandmother was a woman ahead of her time. She lived to be 97 years old. She had eight children and to her sorrow she buried several of them, including her youngest son, Jack, killed in World War II. When we were little my older brother couldn't say Great Grandma so he called her "Gran Gran" and we all followed suit. I think she loved having a name a little different and she took such delight in her great grandchildren. Her husband had died when her youngest son was not much more than a baby. For many years she was a single mother and I don't know how she survived financially. She always owned her own home, until the end of her life. Her home that I always remember her in was small but filled with lovely antiques. I lived frequently with my grandparents and she lived next door to them. Many days I would drop in to visit with her. She always had bottles of Coke in the refrigerator and cookies and peppermints in her candy dish. When I was in kindergarten my parents built a house around the block from hers but we were still in Silver Spring. Often I would get off the school bus at her home. Sometime during that time she began to have visual problems. Still she managed to teach me how to read by sounding things out. She was patient and ever so encouraging. When my reading lessons were done, I was treated to an ice cold Coke and a cookie. What joy those visits were for both of us. Soon she had me reading out of the Bible although the names were so difficult for me. Her vision was leaving as my reading skills were improving. She learned that she had glaucoma but too late for them to do anything to fix it. I was heartbroken for her but she was a stoic woman who told me she would be okay. She still baked blind and never failed in her independence. She was very distressed that when she applied to several blind agencies they refused to teach her to read Braille. They told her she was too old to learn. They didn't know what an intelligent woman they were dealing with. For years after Gran Gran lost her sight I would visit her and read her Bible to her. She would smile and tell me that I was a blessing to her. When I was in fourth grade we moved to New Jersey and I was sad to leave my grandmother and great grandmother behind. At that time there were no unlimited calling plans and they couldn't afford to call us very often. In our family room were shelves of books. My Dad ordered a set of classic books and I began to read right through them. Among them was Lorna Doone which I particularly remember reading. My love for reading was already there and I went to our school library and read an entire set of books that were biographies, such as George Washington Carver. I would then send letters to my great grandmother describing the books. She wrote back, using a ruler to keep her lines straight. Once in tenth grade I went for a visit and I was telling her about my geometry class. She told me that she loved geometry and she began to talk about all the theorems. She remembered them all and how to apply them. It was at that moment I realized just how intelligent she was. Later when I got married I wore the pendant that was passed down through her family. There were a long line of women named Clara Virginia (her, her daughter and my mother). My mother broke the chain but my middle name was Claire so I was given the okay to wear it. My sister's middle name is Virginia. Gran Gran did not attend my wedding because she was getting a little frail and didn't want to interfere with everyone else enjoying themselves. When I was pregnant I called her first to inform her she was going to become a great great grandmother and she was thrilled. I have a picture of the five generations of us.

I have many things that belonged to my great grandmother. I have a music box from her dresser (probably aluminum but blue with fake jewels on top), I have a faux Chinese ivory chest with small drawers that also was on her dresser and I have a pin she loved. She gifted me the chest because each day I was there I commented how much I liked it. On my wedding day it was sent to me with a note inside telling me how she loved me and wished me all the best. I know how much she used it and that it was a real sacrifice for her to part with it. The greatest gift she ever gave me though was the gift of reading. When I am stressed I can open a book and leave where I am and go anywhere. I can use my imagination and envision the characters. Ironically, I also inherited Gran Gran's black hair and her glaucoma. Mine was diagnosed very early and I use drops which keep it under control. It is reassuring to know that there are many medicines and surgeries available which control it now. One of the worst things that could happen to me would be to lose my availability to read. I plan to keep my vision and my books for a long time to come.

Books:an Important Part of My Life

I love books. I love to read books and sometimes I cannot part with them. I just did another inventory because I have a shelf over my computer desk on which I keep my favorites. Right now I am holding on to the Jodi Picoult books but later I will keep only my very favorites of hers such as My Sisters Keeper. One of my favorite authors is Anna Quindlen who used to have a column for the New York Times many years ago. She took many of her best columns and put them in two books which I have reread many times Living Out Loud and Thinking Out Loud. I also have her fictional novels Black and Blue and Blessings. I have three books by Kahlil Gibran and often I read from The Prophet. I have many self help books and some psychology books that I often read. I have a few fictional novels that I will not part with which I have read multiples times, such as Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and Lovely Bones.

Many years ago I had a friend who I exchanged books with all the time. When we got together over tea we often discussed what we had read.Many wonderful conversations took place in my kitchen regarding our love of a good read. One thing that really annoyed me was I would lend her books which would not be returned. I had bought the hard copy of Lovely Bones and told her how I loved it. My husband wanted to read it but she told me she would read it and get it back to me within the week. She lost it and replaced it with a paperback version. I am not a book snob but over years the paperbacks turn yellow and age badly. I once lent her teenage daughter one of my favorite books ever Love xx Janis by Laura Joplin. I made her swear that it would be returned in it's pristine condition and her Mom assured me she would see to it (the book was being used for an important school project). When the book came out new it was available in hot pink and turquoise covers. I chose the hot pink. For the next few months and even a year later I asked for the book back but I never got it back. The mother later told me that her daughter developed attachments to things that belonged to people she cared about and I told her while I could appreciate that concept, it was not HER thing but mine. I finally went to Amazon.Com and bought one although I had to get it in turquoise. At least I can read it again when I want to.

I think of all the books that I treasure one of the most, is a book most of you have never heard of, Walking Through the Fire by Laurel Lee. When I was first diagnosed with Hodgkins Disease I couldn't find anyone else who had had it. I later realized my radiologist was treating THREE young women but he kept our appointments at different times so we could never meet. At some point my mother gave me a magazine with an article about a young mother, like myself who had Hodgkins Disease. She was diagnosed while pregnant and refused to have a late term abortion. She wrote a story for them and I was elated to know there was someone else out there who had a young child (in her case a third on the way) and could understand what I was going through. Later she published her story in a book which was actually a journal she had kept in the hospital. I cannot tell you how much that book comforted me on my loneliest nights. Her husband later left her for their babysitter. She was a beautiful woman living a hippy lifestyle and really struggling. Her prognosis was very poor but she pulled through. Over the years she wrote two more books which I have although the third I only have in paperback and have never been able to find in hard cover, Signs of Spring. Last Fall I stumbled upon something online and learned that she had another cancer battle which had finally claimed her life. While I was saddened by that news I thought back to what an incredible life she had lived. She survived cancer for twenty years! Three separate occurences (her original, a relapse and later pancreatic) but she was diagnosed the first time with stage four. This woman is my heroine. It's not how long you live, but how you live your life. She lived her life stoically, full of dignity and grace and most importantly love. She turned the low point of her life around and used her experience to provide hope for others. She became a college writing professor in Oregon. Even though her life is over, I feel as though she lives on in the hearts and minds of the people she helped and I am eternally grateful to have known her, if only through her words and her lovely illustrations. Thank you Laurel. I found she had written another book, Tapestry which i just ordered online today. It can be ordered on http://www.lighthousetrails.com/ if any of you are interested they also have a bio of Laurel Lee there.

Getting Things in Order PC Wise

I finally dumped AOL after paying them for years. The past year it had caused me many problems. The constant downloads froze up my computer and numerous attempts with their techs to fix it finally consumed so much of my time I couldn't take it anymore. Today we went to Best Buy and bought Webroot Internet Security which they recommend over the others. I was not about to pay Verizon another $6 a month when I am already paying them $49 for internet service. I am going to bundle up and investigating the cable vs fios prices. I must say since uninstalling AOL and the other virus programs I seem to be running so much smoother.
We were expecting snow today but it was warm and we had a light rain on and off. We got a lot accomplished around the house. Rob is helping me to put all my favorite quotes from various notebooks into one nice one. I am trying to get all that I can organized. I cleaned out my beside table and found a book I had forgotten I had. This week I have already read a Jodi Piccoult book, Change of Heart. Last week I had read another one and right now I am reading one of Mitch Albom's books that I discovered this morning. Being out of work gives me the wonderful luxury of reading. When working full time I simply have little time to read. I have a busy week filled with three doctor visits and I look forward more and more to having the issues resolved that I am experiencing. I have found that if my glucose is too low or my blood pressure is too low I am unable to tell the difference. In either case I get light headed and shakey. I have to be able to get this sorted out and resolved before I can return to work.

A Rough Night

Firstly, I want to thank my Leprechaun for making me another header for my blog, and this one is in Gaelic even for St. Patty's Day. Bless you baby. He did this following a very bad and sleepless night. My dizziness has persisted to the point that Rob has been driving me until I get this under control. It seems there are two separate causes for it. On Saturday it was low blood pressure but today it was too low blood sugar. It is going to take time to get this in check. Last night I awoke at 4 a.m. and with only a nightlight attempted to brush my teeth. Once the brush was in my mouth I tasted something fowl and realized that although it was the size of my toothpaste (I was looking at the back not front of the tube) I had put some ointment on the brush. YIKES. I put on the light and read the fine print and saw it said to call a poison control IF ingested. Of course I was spitting it out, certainly not swallowing it but the worrier inside of me was screaming "Call the poison control and why would you be so careless?" I woke Rob up in my panic and he helped me to find the number in a phone book after the number 411 gave me wasn't working. A very nice young man told me that drug companies do this to protect themselves and not to worry that a small amount of cortizone was not going to harm me if absorbed. Had I eaten the tube (huh?) I would have some serious intestinal distress. Now I climbed back into bed but was in alert mode and it took hours to fall back to sleep. Today we moved about like zombies. I tried to take a nap and but neighbor was yelling and dogs were barking and that was the end of that. So tonight I am exhausted and hoping for a good night's sleep tonight. The temperature has dropped and winds are howling. I always think of homeless people when it gets this cold. I cannot imagine having to endure the elements in bitter cold. Although times are rough and we are cutting corners and have concerns I am so grateful for our warm little home and food to eat and health insurance. Somedays I truly feel that my cup overfloweth.

Taking Care of Business

As of Monday I am out of work on temporary disability. I never knew there was so much paperwork to do. It is my understanding you can only get 60 per cent of your working salary, even if you have a back up insurance as I do. Not sure why then I am paying for that. I guess it will take a few weeks to figure all that out. I cringe knowing how much time my doctor will spend filling out all these forms. My car payment will be covered while I am out by a policy I took, which since I am getting partial salary will certainly help. I learned not to expect a check from disability for eight weeks. That's a long time I think. Thankfully we are not people who spend every last dime and I always have credit cards for an emergency. Of course I am praying I won't have to use them.

I ended up back at the doctor's Monday and I go again next Monday. Next week I also get my stress test which I am a bit anxious about. I also see the endocrinologist and he will let me know if I am on the right medicine and dosage. Have I mentioned how grateful I am to have insurance that does not require me to get referrals for everything I do? It's enough just to make all these appointments, which all require copays. I am trying to keep my stress level to a minimum.

I am concerned about my friend Ronni who has not posted in a week. She had a bone marrow transplant and I know she is going through so very much but she did manage to post right after receiving the new marrow. I check throughout the day and eagerly await her next post just to know she is doing okay. She is so brave, having gone through this twice before. I know it's expecting a lot for her to post I just want to know so badly that she is doing okay. At this point all I can do is pray and wait.

Struggling with Multiple Issues

Yesterday I went to the nutritionist and learned a lot about how to manage carbs. I was so encouraged and feeling much better. A comment from Virginia and an email from my friend Barbara who is diabetic, helped my spirits. Sometimes when you know someone else is going through your same ordeal you don't feel so alone. My ever caring Rob took me to the supermarket where I wanted to pick up something for dinner and lots of fresh veggies. I have learned that the fruit snacks I thought were healthy were really working against me. We picked up some steaks for a special Valentines Day dinner and some necessary items when I suddenly felt very weak. I thought for certain I was going to pass out right there. (Have I mentioned my fear of passing out in public, which has happened on more than one occassion?) I grabbed some nuts and began to munch on them thinking that would help, it usually does. I left Rob with the cart at the check out and stumbled to a bench and tested my blood. The problem was not there so I was stumped. We got home as quickly as possible when I asked Rob (now performing medical duties) to check my blood pressure.

I felt so shaky I could barely make it into the house and a chair. I was shocked to see it was 67/60. I immediately called the internist but since it was Saturday, late morning I got the service. They got a message to her and about an hour later she called back. She was very concerned. I had now had a nice cup of tea and a few glasses of water because I knew the numbers being that close together meant I was dehydrated. She asked me to take it again and she would call me back. I did and now about an hour and a half later, it rose to 110/70. That is a good pressure but you have to realize that for the past month my bottom number has never been below 100. That is why I was prescribed TWO blood pressure meds and a diuretic. Folks, it is quite scary to feel that weak. I am happy to report that by bedtime my bp was up to 137/70 and it was the same this morning. Perhaps the diabetic meds are causing it to be lower than normal. Tomorrow morning I have to go back there and they want to take it. I want to make sure I do not experience that again. I keep thinking had I been alone I would have been in big trouble. Rob is always my guardian angel and he never acts annoyed or inconvenienced. This is such a drastic change from my former spouse who could never be bothered and complained if I woke him up when I was sick. I never knew anyone could be so supportive and I appreciate the many things Rob does for me each and every day.

We ended up sending out for Chinese food. I rarely eat it because of he salt and my blood pressure so I seized the opportunity. I did watch my carbs though.

Tonight we had the steaks and they were quite good. I have to plan out meals to be certain now that I don't have too many carbs.

With Valentines I think about love a lot. Once Oprah said "Love is not a word, it's a behavior." That is so true and it is so wonderfully delicious to feel loved. Thank you Rob for that, above all else. I cherish you.

Taking Control of My Health

Last night as I left my doctor's office I had a lot to think about. She said she thought I would benefit from some temporary disability time off from work. Thing is, I am literraly tethered to a computer and phone system at work. Yes, when calls are slow, we get some time off but for the most part it's a very confining situation. The past few months I have been horribly exhausted and felt lightheaded and distracted much of the time. My boss called me for a pow wow and said my numbers were not what they had been. Not surprising when you look at the overall picture but companies are not in the business of letting you not work when you don't feel well. Today I went to HR and made the necessary arrangements to go out for TDI on Monday.
The sad part is that I will get sixty per cent of my salary. That's not a lot. Of couse I won't be using gas and won't have some expenses that I do have working. As nervous as I am while trying to do this while my husband is on unemployment, I felt I must. The diabetes has not responded well to the first round of medicine, my dose has been doubled now. My blood pressure, although on a diaretic and two other medicines, remains quite high. I deffinitely need some time to relax, get these things in order and remember to breathe.
Tomorrow I am going to a nutritionist who is going to figure out just what I can eat. Carbs, obviously, must be limited. While in the grocery store it's amzing how many things get ruled out already. Weight control products are so salt laden, another thing I must avoid. I need an education by the nutritionist and I am hoping that my weight will drop as my glucose level does. Of course it would be Valentine's Day tomorrow. Godiva chocolate, I doubt we will ever be friends again. I loved you so but living is more important. For all of those who can indulge I salute you.
Happy Valentines Day to all. I wish you a day filled with love and joy.

United Healthcare Leaves Much to be Desired

I am very disillusioned with my healthcare provider. In fact, I plan to speak to my HR dept. about it. It all started when they told me I had no coverage for anything related to diabetes. I spoke to THREE pharmacy agents who all told me this. One of them told me that the only glucometer they ever covered was the One Touch Basic which three pharmacists from various pharmacies told me had not been made in a very long time. Turns out that a wonderful woman who works for CVS, Rosalee got it all straightened out for me while I was at work. I now have all necessary supplies and I even called CVS headquarters to tell them what a great asset she was to their store. Kudos Rosalee and when I have a few extra dollars I plan to surprise you with a bouquet of flowers. The world needs more people like you, who take pride in doing their job AND going the extra mile. I wish United Healthcare had some employees like this because their employees all seem to give the wrong information on a continuous basis. My husband needed a cat scan. Our main doctor's office called them numerous times to arrange the necessary precertification and were told that he was not on my policy. Finally they gave the office manager a number, which appears to be bogus. Adding insult to injury, the idiots sent me a letter with a DIFFERENT precert no and had MY name on it not his. So scheduled cat scan tomorrow will not exist. Good going United Healthcare you have managed to stress me out beyond all imagination in the last month. What I need to do on my time off of work is contantly call your company and get someone who is clueless. When you ask for a supervisor you are told there is a twenty-four hour callback time. Oddly enough, though I have requested callbacks TWICE none have ever taken place. I plan to ask my company NOT to use them again. I paid $603 in insurance premiums in January alone. Do I not deserve some correct information? My cardiologist and I have tried for MONTHS to find a place in network where I can get a stress test. We are given names but when we try to precertify it we are told that in fact, that provider is not in network. Does anyone at that company have a clue what they are doing? I think not.
I used to work for AEtna US Healthcare. Our calls were monitored for accurate information and people who gave out wrong information were let go. We took pride in assisting our customers and supervisor requests were handled IMMEDIATELY and with good results. Shame on you United Healthcare.
You exemplify what is wrong with health care in this country. I will do everything in my power to see you are not my healthcare provider next year.

Grumpy Old Men

Update on "Mr. Mean"
At work we are on teams. I spoke to several of the people on his team who told me that they have all let him have it on numerous occassions for his comments to them. I am now wondering if perhaps he is trying to chastise someone else the way he has been chastised by some of his team members. The thing of it is, as one lady put it "he has issues." I have made up my mind the next time he tries to speak with me I am going to tell him that I find him very rude and offensive. While I try hard to be at peace with everyone I will not allow him to speak to me in a rude or offensive manner. Thank you all for your comments!

Yikes today I had a coworker who is in his 60s really get under my skin. I am a pretty happy go lucky person in general. This guy was a diabetic (he kept reminding coworkers constantly) and when I found out I was diabetic I mentioned it to him. The other day he is getting off the elevator with two of the biggest donuts I have ever seen. At lunchtime I saw him eating two huge pieces of the thick crust pizza. I wondered to myself what kind of diabetes he has because it must not be the kind where carbs matter. Today he gets in the elevator with me. I had a turkey sandwich in a wrap for lunch. He had his usual lunch of what would be two meals for me. He tells me I should really lose weight. He goes on to say I am too heavy for my height. Then he says I would be too heavy if I were a giraffe. I just stared in disbelief. This same man has told me that some of the women on his team avoid him like the plague. I am wondering of a tactful way to handle his comments. Of course he has no tact, but I never lower myself to someone else's level. I try to bring them up to mine when at all possible. This same man was selling candles for his church group last Fall and I purchased the most of anyone else there. My one friend said she thinks he actually thinks he is funny. Sadly, I agree with her. I don't want to spend a lot of time on what I want to say but I want to have something prepared for the next time he is so rude. Any ideas?

Feeling Better

It's getting late and I need my beauty sleep so this will be a quick post.....
I got all my diabetic supplies and am on my way to dealing with this. I am taking a pill twice a day , doing testing to see what my level is and I am eating almost no carbs. Later I won't be as careful probably but right now I have myself on a strict regimen. I am going to see a nutritionist as well. Today I had eggs for breakfast, baked fish and some squash for lunch, chicken and corn for dinner. Yes, I know corn is high in carbs. That was it for the day though.
I am surprisingly more energetic. I have only been on the medicine since Tuesday and I already feel a surge in my energy. Last night we shut the cat out of the bedroom and I actually slept from 10:30 until 6:30 a.m. It was heaven. I am hoping I can repeat that for several nights. It is bitter cold. Our bedroom is over the garage and it gets cold with the door shut. It's still worth it though for a good night's sleep. Tomorrow is a weekend again. The week flew by. Am hoping to take my love out for a nice dinner over the weekend for his birthday. He has a beautiful cake here but I am not eating it. I will post a pic another time. It was lovely.
Good night, sweet dreams to all of you and smile, the weekend is almost here.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROB

THIS IS ROB. (a few years ago before his BIG birthday.) SOMETIMES I THINK HE'S THE WORLD'S GREATEST HUSBAND. OTHER TIMES I KNOW THAT HE IS FOR CERTAIN!
I met Rob nearly nine years ago it was Feb. 13th to be exact. We had been in the same chat room on AOL for two years prior to that and had slowly gotten to know each other. He asked for my number and we talked on the phone and he sent snail mail letters. I finally drove up to Rhode Island to meet him when his father was in his final days of battling bone cancer. Right away I could see he was a magical Leprechaun and I never felt so comfortable in my life with anyone. I had just ended a long marriage and I knew the last thing in the world I wanted was to have another husband. I made sure I told Rob that on our first date. His response was that was fine with him because he never wanted to get married. We got married in August of 2002 and he was ready before that. Rob has seen me through a lot. I'm not always the easiest person to deal with but he manages. I think I'll keep him.
Happy Birthday Baby and I wish you many more. Over the years I hope you will see all your hopes and dreams come true. You are loved.

Spoiling Myself Rotten

Yesterday I received a call from my new internist. She had done a blood test to see what my glucose levels had been for the past three months. I was disappointed to learn that I am a diabetic. My cardiologist had told me about a year ago he thought I was at least a borderline daibetic. I will see her in a few weeks and begin some oral medication. It does explain why I have been so tired lately and why after eating no carbs I feel better. I have been trying to reach my aunt on the phone and learn from her experiences.

Today I headed to the mall with my favorite sidekick. I had purchased glass frames and the enameled paint was peeling off. They were expensive and the company sent a new pair so I had to have the lenses changed. While that was being done I went back to Sephora. They had the most adorable perfume bottles (Asian dolls) and are called names like Music, Love etc. I treated myself to the Love and to some major moisturizer. After that we picked up the glasses and had lunch at Ruby Tuesdays. I had the red sangria and it is sooo good. There are actually berries in the fruit mix and it was heavenly. We then went to AT&T and they finally had the new cell phone I have wanted for months. Now I have to learn how to do things on it but I think I will really like it. The salesman could not believe that a few short months ago my old Razor went through the wash and rinse cycle and was still working. Problem is, it's so difficult and time consuming to text message on that phone. When I am working I can't receive phone calls but I can text. I was communicating with my cardiologist's office about a cardiac lab being part of my network or not. The difference in using in network means a savings of over $500 to me. Right now I am trying to watch what I am spending. I could have stayed with my old cell phone but with the rebate I only spent about $79 for the new one. I got a case for free and a blue tooth for half price. Yes, I am rationalizing I guess.

One of my favorite coworkers got fired this week. We are all still in shock and I refuse to believe the stories I have heard. There is a quick turnover in any type of customer service job. It's hard to be screamed out, cursed out, threatened and then pick up your next call and go back into the "how can I help you" and mean it mode. If you want to do this kind of work you have no choice but to do that. Your current customer has no idea what you were just exposed to and frankly, it's not their problem. You have to be professional enough to let things roll off your back. Easier said than done. I really like the vast majority of my coworkers. I like many things about the company I work for. One of the main things I like is being paid and being able to go shopping for things like cell phones.

Taking a Sick Day

For the past several days I have been experiencing lightheadedness. I have also been congested and having sinus issues for two weeks. Today I felt so bad that I took a sick day. I need to get to the doctor and am trying to get through to their office this morning. How I hate being sick....I simply have no time for it. I take several medications...for blood pressure and a blood thinner that require some monitoring. I find it a hard balance just how much attention should be paid to the medical issues. At times the rest of my life has centered around them and now I try to put them on the back burner until they simply must be dealt with. It's not easy to work full time and keep up with it all. I was told last Fall I needed a stress test and I finally booked that for Feb. 23rd! I am a bit nervous about that as I will be having chemicals injected. I always worry about drug interactions. It may seem silly but I was given an antibiotic which brought on a very dangerous heart rhythm and landed me in the ER under close observation for nearly a day.

Stopping here to go have a doctor's appointment..........

Back from the doctors and I have some new antibiotics to take. They took blood to make sure that everything is in order. My blood pressure has come down significantly on my new meds.

I rarely remember dreams but last night, or early this morning to be accurate, I had a wonderful dream. I lept to the roof of a building and demonstrated my ability to fly. It felt glorious and the coworkers below were astonished. I felt complete joy. I awoke to a voice telling me it was time to get up. When I went to get up I realized I was too lightheaded to head off to work. I have had fun playing with Photoshop Elements today. I am a collage making fool. Well I want to get a long nap in. I need to be rested up to return to work tomorrow. I'm hoping the melted snow and rain won't have me driving to work on ice.

A New Header for My Blog!

I am so excited I got a new header for my blog. Yesterday we went shopping and I got Photoshop Elements. I had been dying to get something like this. The actual full Photoshop Version was $699.00! Can they be serious? I have wanted to try to spruce up my blog, make it more personal and possibly make some graphics. When we got home my husband decided he would play with it. He studied tutorials for hours and then came up with this header which I like very much. He has also made me one for Valentine's Day but I will wait awhile before unveiling it. I think he is onto a new hobby during his unemployment phase. It is time consuming to make them. Especially as you are still learning. I also came home from work to a fabulous dinner of pork chops with a marinara sauce on them and delicious green beans.
Tomorrow is my mother's birthday and I am picking up chicken on the way home and we will be going there with a cake and chicken.
This weekend I treated myself to my first visit to Sephora. I got the starter package for the Bare Minerals make up. It is a wonderful make up. Previously I never worried about make up but I am at an age where all kinds of things are going on which are disturbing when I look in a mirror. Since I work with a group of twenty and thirty somethings I have to kick it up a notch in my presentation. They do tell me I have style. Guess that's something to be grateful for. Well time for a nice cup of tea and a bit of television. I worked hard today...Mondays are always difficult. So glad I have a warm home, a loving husband and my fur babies to come home to. It's ALL good.

The Blame Game

I grew up with two parents who were only children. My mother got her baby sister when she was twelve and by that time her personality had been formed as an only child. Having an only child myself I made sure that my son realized the earth did not revolve around him, although he was always made to feel loved and important. Early on my parents developed a pattern I call the blame game. This seems to have been taken to new levels and I had a conversation with my mother tonight in which I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. When anything goes wrong, neither of my parents are too blame. The person at fault is someone else, for them it's usually the other spouse. The resentment this has caused for each other over the years is a sad thing to witness. Here they are after fifty years of marriage and still argueing and complaining.

Last night I called my mother right after I finished dinner. She began to cry and tell me she was having another day of just feeling sorry for herself. Why I asked.

(I knew better than to ask, really I did.) She went on to say that she had an appointment at a hair salon in the mall. My father had asked the last three times if he could go and she talked him out of it previously but yesterday she agreed to let him go. She told him to go to McDonald's and have coffee while she had her hair done. About ten minutes later he walked into the salon which embarassed her. Knowing my father, I would have figured this would happen.

She then asked him to go back to McDonald's and wait for her. When her hair was done and she approached him he jumped up to meet her and they headed to Sears where she needed to return a clothing item she had purchased that didn't fit. He told her he would wait in the car while she did that. She then waited in line and handed the item to the cashier. The cashier handed her back a few dollars. My mother asked where the rest of the money was and the cashier said it was put back on the gift card you charged it to. I am not sure if my mother told the cashier or not, I think she did, that she had thrown away the gift card. The cashier apparently told her that she was out the rest of the money. Now here is where the game begins. Apparently this was my father's fault. HOW I asked could this be his fault? Had he not been waiting in the car, making her feel rushed she would have taken the time to get a replacement item and told the cashier she would do that. I told her she could have told the cashier to give her back the jeans and done that at a later time. This is when the blame was redirected at me. I am unsympathetic to her plight of having to deal with my father. I told her I was not but that I didn't see how this could be his fault. Then the blame was redirected at her children who callously give her gift cards. Before I could make a statement she said that old people cannot handle gift cards. They have to be kept track of and then they expire and they make exchanges impossible. Last year we gave them a variety of gift cards for various restaurants, thinking it would be a great treat to go out and have it prepaid. I love gifts like that. She informed me they had not used any of them. She told me to give them a check or gift or not to bother. YIKES. She got herself so worked up she actually cried at times. I told her that perhaps she needs to have a list of errands to run and from time to time to tell him she has a list of errands and it's not a good day for him to accompany her. She said she didn't leave him for long periods of time but I reminded her she went to a neighboring state for shopping twice recently, ten hours at a time. She had forgotten about that. Why must I be the voice of reason? Just once I would like to have a conversation with my parents where they have something nice to say about the other. Actually from time to time my father will do that. He is in his eighties and physically failing. His life is pretty much sitting in a recliner watching tv with a hearing aid that amplifies more background noise than a voice he is listening for. They have a large house with a separate apartment and that is where my mother spends most of her time. Many nights she sleeps on a sofa in there instead of walking upstairs to her bedroom. When I think of these things I feel sad. It's their life though and they are living it as they have chosen to. Last night I went to bed thinking that sometimes the lessons we learn from our parents are not what TO do but what not to. I don't want to go through life blaming others. I am plenty capable of messing up on my own.

What a Week

I have to say that this has been one action packed and exciting week. On Monday I went to the periodontist in the morning. Had I been able to videotape my adventure that morning many people would have been entertained. My GPS has developed some quirk that no matter where I try to go it just wants to take me home. I finally got it situated when I tried to follow it and apparently I made a left onto Hoffman Road when it should have been Hoffman STATION Road just a few several hundred feet further up the road. By the time I realized this faux paux I had landed in a small town with a major detour. I realized the only way to get there at all was to turn back and take the longer route I was familiar with. I was heading toward Princeton and all of a sudden felt discombobulated.
I called on the cell advising them I would be late. HOW late asked the receptionist who answered the phone. I nearly bit my tongue off trying to contain my frustration as I told her since I was running very late and there was a major construction near a road I had to take I could not really let her know a time frame but I was hoping I would only be ten minutes late. She said to get there quickly but not to have an accident. I pressed forward and ended up arriving twenty minutes late. Fortunately for me the next appointment was a no show for the hygenist and I had lots of time. Enough time to purchase a sonic toothbrush which is vibrating my teeth to heights of near indecency. I did make it to work on time for my second half of the day.

Tuesday I was off the chart. This was the first time since 9/11 I felt so proud to be an American. I DVRed the whole thing and caught little in the lounge at work but when I came home I watched it all. I was on an emotional roller coaster. The thing that most touched me was one of my coworkers who is nearly 60 (I think). She told me stories of her childhood and the bigotry she experienced. She cried and I was fighting back the tears. We hugged and declared it a great day to be alive. A great day it was. I will never forget it.
I just wish Dr. King could have seen this. I saw an interview with Medgar Evers wife. That was also so emotional. Let us never forget that there were so many civil rights leaders who gave their lives so that each person could live their dreams. I pray often for our new President and his safety. You made me so proud, Mr. President and I am oh so grateful to have voted for you. Lead us back to the nation we can be.

Is There a Hotel for Oversized Kitties?

My husband will be leaving tomorrow to go see his family. Why, you might ask, am I not going? For one thing I do not travel well. Especially in cars. I actually enjoy flying and getting from here to there quickly. I do not enjoy my husband's frustration when we get stuck in traffic. I also really need a few days to unwind from work and if I spend them travelling on Monday I might have to be committed. Seriously. Then there are the pets. Today I feel that I should call them beasts. This is what happens when a dog person marries a cat person. I have a lot of patience for a dog, who I feel is man's best friend. Compassionate, tail wagging and grateful for the pat on the head. The cat has this crazy idea that this is his house and we are his servants. Strangely, at times this does to be the case. I have been woken up at 5 a.m. nearly every night for a week. The cat is beautiful. He is very tall and long and the vet says he is not overweight, but not to allow him to gain any more weight. When I wake up at night with no feelings in my legs because he has used them as pillows (as in body pillows) I am not feeling like embracing his neediness. He is like a cement statue that only moves when someone musters all their strength and shoves him off the bed. We sleep under a toasty down comforter with our heat turned down to 65. Most nights I will not emerge to catapult the cat. This has left me sleep deprived. Even on weekends I am never asleep past seven a.m.

We have a nice set up in our garage for the cat. He has a thick large bed and on top of that a cat tee pee. That has another mattress inside of that. I won't put him in there when it's in the teens outside though because it's very cold. We have finished sheetrock in there and insultation on the door but it's still very cold. This desperation has lead me to wonder...are there kitty hotels? Are they reasonable? Mama needs a break. When my son was little I remember thinking how wonderful it would be when he would be grown and I could sleep through the night. It never occurred to me that pets could cause this kind of problem.

IF you are thinking that the vet could give me something to sedate them forget it. I already asked him. He said no it would not be good for them. I hope you feel really guilty if I die of sleep deprivation, Dr. Scott. I hope someone mails you a copy of this entry and you at least send me flowers.

I love animals. Lucky for mine. I just keep thinking that the cat is already 9. Time for him to sleep through the night. Either that or we might have to heat the shed and set up his own place for him. Perhaps that has been his plan all along.

A Vote for a Blogging Friend

It takes a lot of courage when you have cancer to write about it a blog. For all of you who knew and loved Pam, who told us all of her battle with stage 4 lung cancer, you know what I mean.

As someone who survived cancer and then battled other forms of it later, and who will probably battle it again in the future, this is especially meaningful to me. You live in a world with medical terms and as you try to keep your loved ones and coworkers informed there are always struggles with how much information to share. Ronni, a newspaper writer who lives in Boston has done a wonderful job with her blog which is now nominated. If you would like to cast a vote for her blog, go to: http://www.medgadget.com/archives/2009/01/the_2008_medical_weblog_awards_finalists_1.html
she is listed in two categories there. If you would like to check out her blog as she prepares for her third bone marrow transplant please check it out and offer her whatever words you want to share with her: Running for My Life: Fighting cancer one step at a time . I promise you will come away with a great admiration for her. I certainly hope she wins but anyone who can write as she does is already a winner. Good luck Ronni!

Scrumptious Sunday

Yesterday we were told we would be getting at least three inches of snow. We had a light dusting early and then around dinner time we had another inch which has already melted. It's January and not one real snow storm yet. I especially love the snow when I will be staying at home in the warmth and not having to drive.

We had a nice casual weekend. I left work early Friday to have my skin surgeon examine my surgical site which was doing very well. The evening before I was at the new internist for a follow up visit for my blood pressure. I went in on two drugs and left with one more script. I wasn't too happy about that but I saw my grandfather have strokes and lose the essence of himself. I will do whatever is necessary to avoid that. After the surgeon's on Friday I was finally able to find a duvet for my comforter. The old one was a mess after what I suspect was the dog trying to follow the cat onto our bed while we were at work. I came home to feathers all over and even the comforter got a small tear. I was so thrilled to find that the one I wanted was reduced (and they had BATHING SUITS displayed!).
We stopped at a nice place for an early dinner.

All of my coworkers are game playing individuals and I learned through one of them that I wanted to play Guitar Hero. I actually observed him playing it and it looked like fun! I have now created a rock persona. My persona is close to six feet tall while I am only five foot two. She is a better guitar player than I. I am struggling to do this but I must persevere. Older people still have coordination and it is my job to prove this to the twenty somethings of the world...well in my workplace world. I have earned some money and am hoping to upgrade my guitar to the peace sign style soon. Sometimes we have to leave reality behind and just allow our imaginations to take over. Now it's time to warm up for my USA tour. Rock N Roll isn't as easy as I thought it would be.

Being the Older One

For many years I was the youngest person: at work, at a church group, at the local women's club. I had my son at twenty and was very active. Many of the ladies in my groups were mothers of several children and most at least in their thirties. Sometimes they referred to me as the "baby" of the group. It embarassed me at the time. I was so ignorant.

I work with a group of people mostly in their twenties. I am over forty and over the other number that starts with an F but is significantly old than forty. Is it a coincidence these are "f" words I ask. Some of these young girls have so much drama in their lives: bad break ups, some are single mothers. They think I am really cool but today they completely took me by surprise when one asked if I was a hippie. I wish I was a hippie but to be honest, I am even a little young for that. I was not yet in high school when Woodstock took place. I do remember a very liberal friend's parents allowing her to go (they named their daughter Violet and were all for self expression). My father told me if I did anything like that I should have a good time because it would be the last thing I did and he would shoot me when I arrived home. My father was from Alabama and sadly, I knew he was not joking. Several months later the movie came out. My then boyfriend Rusty and I went to see it at the theatre in Asbury Park, New Jersey (made famous by Springsteen). It didn't start until eleven p.m. and I called my parents to tell them I was going to be late. The conversation was brief and I was told that I would be grounded for a month. It only took me a few seconds to realize that it was well worth it. How I remember the joy of sitting in that theatre in my white tank top with small red peace signs and the words peace on it and watching that movie. Few things in my life have been so exciting. When I was first married and had my son I made all of his babyfood myself. I had a huge garden and baked my own bread. For three years I was a vegetarian. When severe anemia overtook me and a short time later I was diagnosed with Hodgkins disease, I began eating meat again. It sure beat shots and transfusions. As my son got older I think I became more conservative. I did attend the later Woodstock which took place in New York but it certainly was not the same. I only stayed one day. Being dirty and using port a potties is not my cup of tea. It did really strike me though when I realized none of them had every seen my first new car, a 1971 Plymouth Satellite Sebring. Being older, wiser and more experienced doesn't compare to being the youngest and fittest.
Still, I don't think I would want to go back and do that all again. I'm too tired.

The Weekend is Coming to an End

It has been a hectic but good weekend. I bolted out of bed early on Saturday and began to make lists of what needed doing. We were out of the house by nine and I got my blood test at the hospital, went to the post office to mail bills and buy stamps, picked up dry cleaning, found some fantastic deals at Hallmark for next year and bought groceries by noon. We came home and put the groceries away and began preparing lunch for my parents and grandmother. Rob made his wonderful onion au gratin soup and I made a sheppard's pie. Both turned out great and were enjoyed by our guests and us. My grandmother enjoys a home cooked meal. At 96 she often buys TV dinners now because it's too much work for her to cook and clean up. She is still baking and Friday night I made a trip over for one of her apple dumplings. After the company left Rob and I went over to see our neighbors we have socialized the most with. They were down, he just got laid off from his job and they have many concerns. We tried to cheer them up and I think we did. We came home and watched a movie and went to bed.

This morning Rob let me sleep in and I rose at the late hour of 8:30 a.m. !
I began pulling ornaments off the tree and we took the tree down and got it back into the attic, along with our garland which is so pretty. We do not have pull down steps and it is no small task to get this stuff back up there. Rob is on a regular ladder with me passing things up. I jumped in the shower and then we went to the 11:30 mass. (This is the first we have attended in months.) The priest from the parish I grew up in has just been reassigned to the church we go to when we lost the priest we were all so fond of. He was from Ireland and could tell tales, and jokes, and just entertain you. He made it such a pleasure. He also had psychology degrees and he was wonderful at helping his parishners. When he died he had his body shipped back to Ireland and put in his family grave. I hope someday to lay flowers on that grave. But I digress.....after mass we went to lunch. We came home and finished putting things away and I did some shelf organizing in my walk in closet. We went to my mother's for tea in the afternoon and to pay a final visit with my grandmother before she returns to Maryland tomorrow. Came home had some dinner and I am finally at 8 p.m. signing on to read email and blogs. That is unusual for me. It's been a full two days and I got a lot accomplished.

On Friday my husband waited all day for a Fed Ex package from the company who employed him until Dec. 31st. They have left New Jersey altogether. Although promised a stay on bonus and other things, he will be getting a small severance check. It is disappointing but honestly it makes the bitter pill better knowing that to the end, this company has no clue how to treat it's employees.
That is just so sad. It is my hope that in 2009 he will find himself with a much better company. He deserves so much better. He has been wonderful through this all. The company has no idea what they have lost. They offered to relocate him but again the offer was not good enough to accept. While we run from change, fear change, often change is for the good. I have a good feeling that his will be. Happy 2009!

New Years Eve and a quiet evening in

Today was Rob's last day on his job. The one he worked at since he first came to New Jersey nearly nine years ago. So sad that at the holidays your focus turns to this. The company who took over his former company ran this site into the ground. Today there was no HR person there to even give him papers. He will FED EXed this stuff on Friday when I am at work. I would have liked to be here for that. It is my hope and prayer that he will find a better job with a company who is better run and shows respect to their employees. For the time being we are fortunate that I could put Rob on my health benefits.

I am trying to think optomistically. I know that Rob and I have been through a lot together and we will get through this. I hope that 2009 will see our country in a much better place, not just for us but for all the people hurting.
Happy New Year!

I Need to be Reset

My body clock has reset itself. I am ready to sleep by nine p.m. and then ready to get up around 5. This is a problem for me. I work from 9 a.m. until 5:30 and I am petering out in the afternoon and tired in the morning. I used to sleep until 7 a.m. which was so much better. I can take something to sleep but that leaves me feeling hungover. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to set our body clocks to sleep when it was convenient for us?

I have agreed to work two hours extra on New Years Eve to cover for a coworker on another shift. He is closing on his house that day, at least he hopes to. It's a short sale and he is having a lot of issues recently learning there is a lean on the property for unpaid taxes. I warned him about short sales but he is an eager first time home buyer with a fiancee' who wants to be in their home before their wedding. Can we say stress? This guy is wound tighter than a top. Sometimes I am so glad to be older and have some emotional maturity. I know that there are so many more important things in life than a closing date. I know that if one deal falls through, there are others out there waiting to be found.

My husband has just two more days left at his job. He is looking forward to some time off. I am looking forward to coming home to some nice meals during the winter. He is going to take some time and go to visit family and friends in Rhode Island where he is from. Unfortuantely I cannot get the time off of work to join him, but that works because this way he can just go have a few beers with his friends there like the old days. I will stay home with the pets and perhaps catch up on a few visits with friends I haven't seen lately. I wish I could get more time off of work but in this economy I am just happy to have a job and a steady paycheck and most importantly, medical benefits.

SUNDAY THOUGHTS

Today is Sunday and that means tomorrow I return to work. This has been a holiday season in which I have struggled emotionally. Wednesday will be the last day of my husband's job. He worked there eight years and they still have not disclosed his severence. They have not treated him very well and it disturbs me.
He gave a lot, building himself up and they have offered to move him to the site near Boston but are not willing to give him enough money to make the move feasible. The medical benefits are not nearly as good as mine and I might not be able to find a job there. This company seems to be run very poorly and it's so unfortunate that the previous owner sold it to these people who ran it into the ground. It's hard to be worried about finances while trying to buy presents and enjoy the holiday spirit.

I am having some problems and not feeling well at all. My sleeping pattern is confused. I wake up at 4 a.m. ready for the day and when I could go back to sleep around 6 a.m. it is nearly time to get ready for work. I am constantly tired. Also having a few health issues my doctor is working on but she tells me they won't be resolved over night.

Two blogging friends have my concern. Connie has seemingly vanished. Calls to her home found her landline disconnected and the emails go unanswered. I certainly hope things are okay with her. My other blogging friend, Ronni, has had a relapse with her leukemia. She has had a long, difficult journey thus far and is back in the hospital. My thoughts are frequently with her and wanting the best for her.

I am going to run to the mall and see if I can find a few bargains when I try to exchange my shoes for a slightly larger size. Same brand but a different style that seems tighter. I am hoping and praying that 2009 will be a better year for us. I want to have the burdens of worry lifted. I want others to be free from worry. Maybe I am not being realistic. I want someone to hire my husband who knows how lucky they are to have him and to treat him with respect. I want to wake up just one day and feel rested. I do know that the world feels like a better place because our new President was elected despite all he had to overcome. I just pray he can fix the economy and turn things around.

Not All Christmases Are Created Equal

Not all Christmases are some that are so wonderful we will never forget them. I found myself feeling very emotional at times this year. Looking around at my grandmother and wondering who would be with us next year. That is not normally the kind of thought that I have on a holiday. My son developed a sore throat last night. He came over today to pick up his gifts and drop off gifts for us. (He continues to give me Vegetarian cookbooks which amuses me.) We got to spend an hour or more with him before he wanted to go home and crawl into his own bed. We went to my mother's and had a turkey dinner. There was a lot of activity with gift opening and consumption of way too much food. I felt disappointed this year with gifts I received from my sister-in-laws. Normally they give me things I love and htis year one gave me a leopard vest which was too small by a long shot and the other gave me a necklace that struck me as the type of chain Mr T might wear, should he wear costumer jewelery as opposed to real gold. It is silver color and just something I would NEVER wear being it is heavy and very long. This woman usually buys me something for my house or an ornament that I love. At this point in my life I have enough costume jewelery to open a consignment shop. I find I only wear my Brighton things and I have a large assortment to choose from. I simply hate returning things and without receipts you get so little for them because you get the lowest possible price it sold for and with sales and coupons, that's pretty low. Once again charity will benefit from these donations. I like making donations to charities but just once in awhile I would like to receive something and feel that the person showed they really knew me by their choice. My brave friend Melinda stopped all gift giving with family and friends. She said it was too much and a part of me applauds her for that. I love giving but I do put a lot of thought into what I give, or at least I try to. Time to crawl into bed and get ready for tomorrow, Friday. Then another weekend. Sweet.

Merry Christmas or Happy Chanuka

It is Christmas Even and I am exhausted. I never feel rested anymore. My doctor did blood work and called to tell me I had a high white count. We will discuss this further she said. Hmm. My thyroid was okay and I hoped that was the problem.

Today they allowed some people to leave work early, unpaid of course. Last year our company provided a holiday party in a restaurant with a bar and dancing. This year finger foods in our building and fruit punch. I didn't attend. Last year we got Christmas Eve off, paid. This year we had to use some of our precious time and request it months in advance or take it as unpaid once they determined we would not be needed today. I am happy to have a job but we are not well paid and the perks made our job seem a lot more desirable. My husband's job ends next week and he will join the long lines of people unemployed. He has some contacts and we are hoping this will only be for a short time.

There was a little controversy at work over helping a coworker. A single mother of three recently purchased a home. She announced to everyone there that she would not have money for gifts for her children. One coworker began a collection which I gave to. Shortly after some others became upset pointing out this woman had taken a lot of unpaid time off. There are many people hurting and they felt that just because she made everyone there aware of her situation, she should not be the recepient of help. If you had no money for gifts, why take unpaid time? I understand this logic and to a point I agree. Thing is, if someone's a child and their parents use questionable judgement should they be deprived? I can't make that decision and I felt the little bit I gave would cause me any form of deprivation. I actually gave twice as much for my bosses gift as the others to cover someone who never gave their portion. I would rather not hear the fuss made. I have always been the kind of person who hid my needs. When I got divorced and was going in the hole financially, I ate cereal for dinner. Didn't discuss this with others, feeling that was the path I had chosen. People have changed so much and it seems to me that a lot of younger people feel entitled to help. Even if they have created the situation for themselves they feel others should bail them out.

I am going to try to lay down and rest a bit. We go to my brother's later for a gift exchange and some wonderful food to eat. My brother's family has all the holidays with his wife's family and this is our one time of the year to be with them so it's very special. His kids were the youngest of the grandchildren and they are now in college. We are now having GREAT nieces and nephews joining the family. A fourth is on the way.

I want to wish you and yours a beautiful time with those who mean the most of you. Most of all, I wish you peace.

It's Almost Friday

Nothing makes me happy like knowing my work week is coming to an end. I have been struggling trying to take some new medicines and work full time, at a sometimes stressful job. On Wednesday I had what seemed to be an asthma attack but the inhaler brought no relief. I was at the doctor's tonight who tells me that I have fluid in my lungs and legs from my heart not pumping as it should. This means lasix which I sometimes take needs to be taken daily. It also indicates that my heart is not functioning as well as it should be. As usual, I am taking this news in stride. Not going to allow fear or disappointment to rob me of the holiday spirit. Sometimes it's easier than others to apply that decision.
We are expecting several inches of snowfall tonight. I am committed to getting into work tomorrow. Looking forward to the weekend and the one or two things I still need to purchase. I also need to get some cookies baked. It looks like my sister will be spending at least one night here. My mother is getting too many guests at once and there will be an overflow. On Christmas Eve we go to my middle brother's house for a gift exchange and a lovely feast but not a formal meal. Christmas Day we go to my mother's (unless it's a year where I offer my home which happened a lot more before I went back to work). We all help out with a turkey dinner and more gift opening. Then anyone over fifty finds a spot for a nap while the younger ones scramble for something to occupy themselves with. It is different now that my son and nieces spend part of the day with their fathers. I love that my son gets the exact same gift for his father and my husband. He has his quirks but sometimes I am so very proud of him. Let me tell you what I am most proud of. One Christmas (a few years after his treatment stopped for leukemia) he announced that he wanted to take several bags of sandwiches to where he knew a lot of homeless people were. I made the sandwiches and he proudly put on his new down coat I had given him. He was gone a couple hours when he came home shivering. I asked where his coat was. He looked at me with concern and said he hoped I would not be angry but there was a homeless man with no coat who had been shaking and he gave it to him. I told him I was very proud of him and the following week I replaced the coat. He is very kind and generous. These are the things I hoped for in my child. He can be trying at times when he feels I am not taking good enough care of myself. He lectures me on my diet (he's a vegan) and the fact that I am overweight. He has brought me numerous books on diet, including one about your blood type and diet. I know he means well so I have to supress the comments about being nagged. As with my parents, I think there comes a time where the child tries to be the caregiver. The circle of life.

Snow and Slippery Roads

Today we had a beautiful snowfall. It was so warm here yesterday that most of it melted as it hit the ground. By now the ground is frozen and icey. I made it home from work just as the roads were getting slippery. What a wonderful thing to come into a warm house, with the glow of the Christmas tree lights and be greeting by my beloved dog and the pesky cat. LOL The cat adores me despite the fact that he knows I am a dog person. So I tolerate him. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Today I was afraid there might be an incident at work. One coworker wanted to argue about the Bible with another coworker who is of a different faith. I tried to tell them both I do not think religion is a work topic. Oh the wars and friendships ended in the name of religion. Why cannot people just let others believe as they wish? What made this especially ridiculous was the one coworker who wanted to quote scripture chooses to violate some of the ten commandments he so likes to quote to others. Sheesh. I wanted to grab them both and force them to sing "We Are the World". I took great pains to decorate our team with both red and green and silver and blue decorations. There are stars and candles.

It made me sad to hear the news tonight. Toys for Tots got so many less toys this year. Kaylee Anthony's body was found, or possibly found. Now the grandparents are asking for immunity. The value of homes in the entire country fell so drastically. We are in the worst recession since the depression. No good news to be heard tonight.

As I sit here in my warm home, with a full belly, safe from the elements outside I feel I have much to be grateful for. Right now my health is stable and I am grateful for that. This is a magical time of year. People all seem a bit happier.
I just want to feel carefree and happy for a few days of the year. Perhaps that means ignoring the news for a few days. Is ignorance truly bliss?

Good night to all.......peace be with you.

On The Road to Healing

I had my minor surgery yesterday and am happy to report that the surgeon believes she got all the skin cancer. There is a 90% cure rate and I accept that with joy. I am sore. It was rather wide and she didn't stitch it, because in order to do so she would have had to go much deeper. We discussed the pros and cons and went with letting it heal unstitched. It currenly has some gel foam in it until tomorrow. For the next month I must be careful to avoid any infection as it heals. No problem because I am always germ conscious. MOHs surgery is a great thing. They remove layer by layer to make sure they have everything that can be seen under a microscope. Once they have a clean layer they are done. While tedious it provides a much better cure rate. There were many people having them removed from their noses, ears and faces. People wear sunblock!

In my case, mine are caused by the radiation I had so many years ago. This one was on my back and the previous one was on my chest. I have to keep an eye out for them. I go back for three weeks to be checked. I am relieved it is over with.

Now I can get my focus back on my blood pressure and other health concerns.

I was able to go to work today, despite soreness and a rather restless night. Tomorrow is Friday and then another weekend to rest up.

During this season I am disappointed in the ads on television. With so many people out of work, losing jobs and dealing with the financial loses brought on by the stock market fiasco, how can companies be implying we should be receiving cars and diamond jewelery? EXPENSIVE cars that few can afford in good times no less. Would someone be sitting around watching television and suddenly say "Oh yes, I will buy my spouse a car instead of a new sweater!"

The materialism has gone over the edge in my opinion. Wake up advertisers and understand we are in a recession and the only people who can afford these things are the top executives of the companies whose greed landed their end.

I am concerned about some of the young single moms I work with having gifts for their children. These kids are hoping for game boxes and ipods instead of dolls and building blocks. Sometimes I am relieved I am not a young mother in this materialistic society. My grown son will get some books and clothes and other such items. No matter what I give him, he will tell me I shouldn't have spent so much on him. I want the gift of people's time and friendship. A gift of a song I can put on my IPOD to make me think of a loved one is the kind of gift that makes me happy. What are you wishing for?

Music Lifts Me

Today I got up feeling a bit better. I think it is the antibiotics. I have stopped coughing for the most part and my chest has stopped hurting.
I woke up today and put on music. I simply cannot say enough about how music lifts my spirits. There are certain fun songs like Little Red Corvette that just take me to another place in time. So many songs evoke memories and some are just fun to sing along with. When I was younger and thought the world would be my oyster I wanted to be a musical therapist. I did go to college for psychology and completed three years when my son fell ill and I stopped. Afterwards I just didn't have it in me to return and later I wasn't in a financial position to do it and needed full time income. I always thought it would be great to help cancer patients discover the ways music could help them. When my sister-in-law Jennifer was in the hospital they brought in a harpist for her. For some reason I am blocking the name of the hospital but it was affiliated with the Leahy clinic. Although she lived in Rhode Island there was not a surgeon there who would operate on her. She lost so many months finding a surgeon who would remove three tumors which every doctor told her were benign. The nerve over her voicebox was cancerous. It's so easy to get off on tangents........
Today I want to focus on the good things like music and like my wonderful husband (not my favorite word) I actually prefer life partner or significant other. He has been through the mill with me. He never complains. I think I'll keep him.
If you haven't seen the movie P.S. I Love You I saw it for the first time on Saturday night and have rewatched it twice since then. I also loved the movie Once and if you liked that one I suspect you will like this as well.
Irish guys truly are the best...at least the most fun. I just love the character of Jerry. I once had a therapist tell me it's not how you feel about the person it's how they make YOU feel. We all deserve to have someone who makes us feel loved.

Meeting a New Doctor

The last internist I had been using went to another practice in an area an hour and a half south of here. I have been trying out new doctors trying to find one who can/will address all of my issues. I think I may have found her today, although she might be a tad younger than what I had hoped for. She was very kind although some might have thought a bit of an alarmist. I allowed my husband to be in the room and a part of me thinks maybe it was a bit much for him. I am so used to negative reports and such. My blood pressure was high, very high and she took it several times, each time with the same look on her face. I had been put on medicine which made me feel so dopey I could not function. I had told my cardiologist I was stopping it. He agreed that I should not have to go through life feeling so medicated I could not function on a daily basis. This doctor also said I have not addressed my blood test which says I am slightly over the line, meaning that I am diabetic. Sorry, still in denial about that one. She started asking me questions as though I wasn't grasping the possible consequences of taking care of these things. I had to tell her that for thirty years I have dealt with cancer and all the complications of it. In two more days I will be having another surgery to remove a skin cancer caused by the radiation. I took my scripts, had them filled like a good patient and agreed to try a time released capsule for the blood pressure, with a lesser dosage. I am also going to resume the lasix. Ever since my heart surgery I have a terrible predisposition to retaining fluid. My legs get as hard as rocks and sometimes my feet go numb. There are people who might freak out over things like this but hey, I have learned to roll with the punches. I am not saying I won't take care of these issues but I won't panic either. I go back in about a week for a follow up.
Perhaps this new doctor will help me to feel better and still get the meds I need.
I have to work. It's not an option. I also have to be conscious at work and capable of making judgment calls. I cannot do this if on medicine that makes me groggy. Fortunately I am going to be able to take tomorrow off as well.
Hoping by Thursday I will be able to return to work feeling much better and with my blood pressure under control.
I got in a few extra hours of sleep today. We got the tree decorated and my husband got the lit garland around our front door. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. I hope I have one or two more good days so there will be presents under the tree for my Leprechaun. I know it's hard on him with all that I have been through but he tries so hard to take good care of me, sometimes with me giving him a hard time. I was on my own for so long, sometimes it's hard to accept the help.

Snow Covered Sunday

I am still sick but now most of the problem has moved into my chest. Argghhh.
Last night as I tried to sleep I was gripped by coughing spasms. I finally got up and watched a movie I had DVRed earlier and you simply must see it! P.S. I Love You. Wow. I am so impressed at what the husband had planned for her it is a true story of love and I am all about that. Today I finally washed my hair. I have taken baths but my hair needed a good shampooing desperately. It feels so much better.
Yesterday ended up being a real trial in many ways. My poor Rob has been working very hard for his company who are closing their doors in New Jersey soon. They hired a company to come take down very high warehouse shelving and he has had to help load this stuff onto trucks. He was not hired to do this kind of work and with two steel rods in his back he is hurting. He was promised a severance package and glowing recommendations so he is trying hard to go with the flow. Apparently Friday one of the men from this other company injured himself and could not work. That meant only one guy was there and Rob had to be there in case anything happened to him. Eight hours of Saturday. He does get paid overtime but I would have loved to have him home with me and frankly he needed the break. Today he is back there again. Yesterday I was in desperate need of some items from the market as well as pet food. My son called and asked me to help him get his Dad a mouse for his laptop for his birthday tomorrow. I told my son I was sick but if he drove I would assist him. An hour later my son calls back and he has been delayed. It will be several more hours before he gets here. I throw on my coat and run the errands, including picking up the mouse. I was so overwhelmed at the market, Mary Higgins Clark was there doing a book signing, and grabbed only what I needed. I rush home
leaving the heavy stuff in my car and put the other items away. I am beat. My son calls again telling me it will be another hour. Now I am getting angry. I tell him so. Shortly later he arrives and brings in the heavy items. I show him the mouse, he reimburses me and I wrap it for him. He is a vegan and each visit he likes to lecture me on my eating habits. I was just not in the mood yesterday. He had a pizza, took a shower that was over half an hour and left. Several minutes later I see the wrapped mouse on my kitchen table. When I am feeling well I usually check to see he leaves with everything he is supposed to but I was too tired yesterday and I wanted to kick myself. Rob came home with a pizza for supper at which time the phone rang and my darling son began to lecture me for eating pizza with all the sodium in it. I told him I was not in the mood to hear it and that I really went out yesterday to help him and in the end the gift was here. Here is about twenty-five miles from there.
His Dad's gift will no doubt be late. His Dad never shows any real enthusiasm for gifts so I shouldn't let it bother me. Perhaps because I had previously called my mother and told her I needed pet food etc. and she told me that I should have my husband pick that up because she was on her way to her favorite flea market and had no time, I was feeling very put out yesterday. Sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like to have a nurturing mother. When I called my mother my Dad answered the phone. He is failing terribly and in a weak voice when he heard I was till sick he softly said "I will pray for you." That was the bright spot of my day.
I think I will make a nice pot of tea and rewatch P.S. I Love You again. It gives me a lot of ideas.

My Nose Runneth Over

I am sick. Thank you coworker. :::insert sarcastic smirk:::
Yesterday, Thursday, I hung in there until my scheduled time. I actually half jokingly asked a coworker Tim to roll me in my chair to my car. He laughed and said while we were friends, we weren't that good of friends. Ouch Tim. My other coworker was kind enough to call and see if I made it home. He called again today.
I am a human mucus producing machine. Unless it's the alternative time where my head is completely stopped up and I cannot breathe at all. It seems to be cyclical. I had to call out today. I haven't even gotten dressed and I rarely do that. I fell asleep but had crazy dreams and woke up feeling very confused. I hate when that happens. Why you may be asking yourself, don't I take a decongestant? The heart that I have reacts to certain medicines with tachycardia. This is so unpleasant. Then my neurotic self must decide if I can take something for that symptom while on a decongestant. I hate mixing medicines. If this seems silly you were not there to witness the Nyquil fiasco before I had my heart surgery. I was passing out every fifteen minutes or so. There was nothing they could do but let it work itself out of my system. Needless to say Nyquil is on my list of never take drugs.
I am longing for some very good chicken soup and matzoh balls that a nearby kosher deli has. My husband is working late tonight so it will probably wait until tomorrow. I find chicken soup works wonders for me.
My bathtub should be filled by now. Here I come Loveshack bath oil from the Gap. Time for a little pampering.

Can I get a Christmas Break? lol

Yesterday the force of our team at work insisted we get some Christmas decorations going. Many of the women I work with are single Moms who live on a tight budget. While I don't have a lot of extra money, I can afford to do some things they cannot. So yesterday I went by a dollar store and bought a lot of nice decorations. It came to about forty dollars. I walked in this morning and gave each lady her ornament for her cube and they put up the garlands and wreaths.
There is a team that sits next to us and immediately they asked if I had bought things for them as well. I am used to this and I replied that I did buy them their own wreath and gave it to them to hang. There was a lot of complaining amongst them and one asked the other why SHE didn't buy the decorations for their team. The woman responded that she didn't have the money. The other woman looked at me and said I must be CRAZY to do something like that. I hesitated before speaking when the lady she was in a conversation with said
NELLE IS NOT CRAZY. SHE IS A NICE AND GENEROUS LADY!
For two days I have been fighting a cold that a coworker came in with. The guy was SHAKING on Monday from a fever, put his head on his desk and slept much of the day. Luckily for him, he was having computer issues and couldn't really get into the system needed. We don't get much time off. About fifteen days a year for everything; illness and vacation and personal emergencies. Each year mine are used up for medical reasons and then I end up not getting paid for other days I need. I hate that people come to work sick, but I understand the financial burden of staying home.
Despite that fact that my husband's job is ending late December and that I am having my surgery Dec. 10th I am in Christmas spirits. Each year I feel so grateful and fortunate to be alive for another Christmas. I am going to run down now and watch the lighting of the tree in Rockefeller Center. I so wish I could be there tonight. Maybe sometime this season I can get there to see if.
Stay warm and don't let anyone steal your holiday joy. :)