Ch ch changes

Before I do my entry I want to say that I was saddened by reading the post by Pennie. For those of you who journaled on AOL you will remember the blonde Pennie who did such humorous entries and stoicly dealt with her polio which came back with a vengance when she was an adult. She wrote about her love and muse, BoSoxBlue as well. I read that Pennie had a brain anneurysm and is now in a rehab. For all of those who knew her, please keep her in your thoughts and prayers and I hope that someday soon we will be reading one of her entries again.

I don't know why I resist change so much. In fact most change has been good for me. Still, I was so reluctant to change my blog to the new format. For one thing, I found it difficult, if not impossible for me to leave comments. I have solved that mystery. I was trying to sign in using my blogger name and password. It will only accept my gmail name and password which are different. After my first comment it automatically fills in that information and although I have entered my gmail addy, it shows my blogger name. Problem solved.

My neighbor I am good friends with has the flu, as do many coworkers. I just wish when people got the flu they would stay home until they were better. And when they resurfaced, I wish they would wear gloves and use sanitizer. My neighbor does all that. When you go to her house you can see sanitizer everywhere. Neither her husband, nor her daughter have the flu and I think that is partly why. Being the germ phobe that I am , I have offered to get her anything she wants and leave it on her porch for her to retrieve when I have safely returned to my own home. She seemed to think that was a good deal.

I think I have IPOD envy. My sweetheart has generously made me a playlist on his IPOD. He has the shuffle from last year that he takes to work and he leaves the new one here. When I am in the kitchen I have it in the docking station. It makes so much more sense to listen to music this way. Instead of playing an entire CD that you only like 2 songs from, you can make a play list of music you really like. It's so much more cost effective to pay 99 cents for ONE song as opposed to about 15 dollars for a CD that you want one song from. Why didn't anyone think of this sooner? I still refuse to have a cell phone that plays music though. My experience is that cell phones don't last long enough to make all that effort with. Just copying the address book is enough. My ancient cell phone had a great feature. You could put someone's HOME, CELL, BUS numbers all in one entry. I loved that. The Razor doesn't allow me to do that. I have to have separate entries for each. Much too confusing. It does have other nice features and BlueTooth technology is great when you're driving. In New Jersey it is illegal to drive while talking on the phone so for the price of less than one ticket you might as well get the ear piece. Besides, I like to be safe in the car.

My new job has forced me to learn about all the technology to make it easier for me. I purchased a GPS which I really needed and I am loving it. I found the best for me was the cheapest. For $299.00 plus tax I can put an address in and just go. There are so many new developments, it just simplifies things. Rather than reading words or a map while driving, this pleasant voice tells me when to turn. If I make a mistake or take a shortcut I hear "Recalculating..." I have an electronic key that gets me into the lockboxes. Many homeowners are opposed to having a lockbox but with this technology it's a great tool for them. The key lets the homeowner or listing agent know who went into the house and when. You can also have your same key updated for neighboring counties. It's amazing. I find I am embracing all this technology that is making my life easier. The hardest part is just making sure all of these devices get charged! Surely sometime soon they will make a device to remind us of all the devices that need charging.

This song is for Jennifer. One of my teen favorites that my childhood best friend and I use to sing......and honestly, sometimes we still do. :)

Who are the people in your neighborhood?

It takes a while to get going in this business. I need to get some listings. Anyone reading this want to sell? I have a few buyers already. That is encouraging. I have learned that real estate agents must be available about twenty hours a day. They work really hard for their money and they need a good background in psychology. Different people need different things. I love the diversity of the people that we meet. I love helping someone find the home that will be the biggest investment that they will make and also the place where their memories will be formed.
I have owned three homes now and I know what they have meant to me. Each with their own happy times and good points.

I am so happy to have a home now surrounded by caring neighbors. The other day when we had the bad ice storm followed by a few inches of snow Rob discovered that his wiper blades had shredded. He called our neighbor who works at Toyota and asked him if he could bring home two for him. Later that night, when Keith got off work he not only brought the blades over but installed them on the truck before running home for his supper. When Rob called him he told him that he could give him the money another time he was just sitting down to watch American Idol. Gotta love neighbors like this and I surely do.

My mother is making steady improvement. She has moments of weakness and that frustrates her. Her sleeping patterns are not back to normal yet. That takes weeks after a hospital stay. I can no longer look at her and not realize that she is 75 years old and in fragile health. My family was never a kissy/huggy type family. I can count the times in my entire life that my mother kissed me. Seriously. When she was in the hospital I leaned over and kissed her goodbye when I left. The other night I through my arms around her and hugged her and kissed her. She actually called to thank me for doing that and when she hung up very quietly I heard "love ya." I am sitting here crying even thinking about that. I have made it my late new years resolution to hug and kiss her more. Hugs are healing. Emotional healing. It's heard to initiate that when you have not grown up with it but I am determined that if I do it enough, it will feel natural.

Wash those hands please.....!!!!!!!

Last Friday night when I arrived at my mother's house she was so ill. We thought it was the flu.
Later the doctor said the infection was in her kidneys which looked very bad on the pet scan.
We have now learned that she became ill from an Ecoli bacterial infection. Seriously ill. The bacteria entered her blood and was everywhere in her body. She was just taken off IV yesterday and put on pills. She says she can never remember being so sick in her entire life.
Another day or so would have been too late to get her medical attention. I just read an entry by Judith HeartSong about someone trying to hand out one of the restaurant pagers which had been contaminated by the woman's hands which had just wiped her nose and touched her dirty tissues. With all the media attention and shows about this topic, I certainly wish people would be more germ conscious. I had my spleen removed at age 23 and since then I have been almost fanatical about being exposed to germs. This was heavily reinforced after my heart surgery. I carry a bottle of gel sanitizer in my purse and in my car. I refuse to shake the hand of someone who is obviously ill and when I arrive in the supermarket I use the gel or a wipe to disinfect the handle of the carriage. My doctor told me this is a huge source of bacteria.

Last night I woke up at 5 a.m. to the sound of ice pelting my bedroom window. Unable to go back to sleep, I went downstairs and began my traditional Valentine heart shaped cookies.
Got them done around 8 a.m. when I went back to bed for two hours. School was closed today. Kids were going door to door offering to shovel driveways for a few dollars apiece. Under the inches of snow lies a solid sheet of ice. I advised Rob not to go to work today but he wanted to.
When he arrived he found so many people were out and the faithful ones who fought the weather and arrived were expected to work twice as hard. He called earlier and now his back is acheing again. I reminded him he will be coming home to a wonderful dinner and some TLC.
That seemed to cheer him up a bit.

Tomorrow I have to leave here at 7:30 a.m. to attend a training seminar about 45 minutes away. I hope the roads will be clear. I just got my car back from a repair and cannot bare the thought of another accident. Neither can my insurance carrier!

It's snowy and white and a winter wonderland. I will stop now and go make some cookie deliveries. Happy Valentines Day to all my friends and their families and significant others.
Happy Valentines Day to Rob with a heartfull of love.

OH for a boring life..........

Since Tuesday my mother has been sick. By sick I mean unable to hold any food down, no appetite and days and nights inside the bathroom. I talked to her on the phone and she wanted no part of going to the doctors. Last night I made a huge chicken and took some over there for supper. When I saw the condition she was in I could not believe my eyes. My mother is 75 yrs. old but goes to a flea market every Saturday and walks for hours. Honestly, sometimes she seems more energetic than me. She was so weak she could no longer get to the bathroom although she needed to. My 84 yr. old father and myself got her changed twice and cleaned up in the brief time we tried to get her into a vehicle. Although she resisted I told her she simply had to get medical attention. I had been up since 7 that morning and had a frustrating day. I knew what had to be done and prayed I could stay awake long enough to do it. We got her into their van and into the ER and within an hour she was in a private ER room. They had immediately confirmed my diagnosis that she was severely dehydrated. They got an iv bag of fluid into her quickly and did some blood tests. It was soon discovered she had quite an infection. I left the ER about 1 a.m. although they still had not taken her up to her room. My father was unbearable by now and insisting they both belonged in a nursing home. I think I got about four hours sleep before heading back today. She looked drastically improved and was even eating small portions of food. They are giving her two antibiotics intravenously. I shuuder to think what would have happened had I not taken her to the hospital. I think in another day or so she might not have pulled through.

Although tired I made it to the Cingular Wireless store today and got a pink Razor. This will be an early Valentines present. I got the bluetooth headset which was part of a package, good deal. After the rebate it will have cost me $89. I'll be styling. lol My old phone was so old that well you don't even want to think about it. It couldn't take pictures, not that I use my cel phone for pics.

Today I was forced (yes by cyber gun point) to change my blog. Since several of my friends have done this I have been unable to post comments in their blogs. I love their blogs and it has been very frustrating to freeze up every time I have tried. Sometimes I email the comments and other times I just am too lazy. Forgive me.

Well I need to go call and see if the doctor has shared any further updates with my mother.
You know yesterday for the first time I looked at her in a different light. This woman who I always thought would be there looked old and fragile. It hit me that there may be a day where she won't be. I saw her not as the strong parental figure but as a vulnerable and weak elderly person and it was shocking. I heard one of the nurses refer to her as an old lady and it got to me.
On the whole the nurses weren't great but one was, Jason. He really bonded with both of us and was frustrated when they sent him elsewhere for an hour but he made his way back. After I left my mother said he kept a close eye on her, even coming up to say goodbye when his shift ended. I find that small kindnesses at a time like that are worth their weight in gold. Bless you Jason.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr It's Cold

The temperature has really dropped here in Jersey and it's cold. I want to go back to Vegas now. Seriously. I miss my Elvis machine like crazy. The one that I won $21 on and I was never a gambler before that. Well, not with real money anyway.

My car is in the shop. On Saturday I had a fender bender. Or was it Friday? Well anyway my car is getting fixed for $400 which I have to pay. Mr. I don't park in the designated rows tells me his car will be $2300 to repair. He offered to let me give him the money and not go through my insurance company. I said no. His car is not even in his name but his company's. He apparently talked them into letting me give them the cash but no thank you just the same. I pay about $2400 a year for car insurance and they can get the tab on this one.

I had a great open house on Sunday. Lots of people and some of them are looking to buy a house. That excites me! Many people go to open houses and fudge their name, or address, or email or phone number. Often they are later embarssed to fess up to that. It's a shame because sometimes you want to contact someone with something you know they want and you can't. I have had a revelation: real estate agents work really hard for their money.

Today I took Rob to work and I must drive his truck to attend a meeting and pick up some groceries. I do not like driving a truck. Not sure if this is because my legs are VERY short or I hate being so high up. The roads were icey this morning and I had to be very careful. This truck can be put into four wheel drive but that does not help on ice, it just helps get through snow. I will never be a truck driving kind of girl I guess. Give me a car with cruise control, a great stereo and tilt a wheel steering and I am a happy driver. Once I get a car with these features I hang onto it for about ten years and it's hard to part with it. This car is pushing 7.

I woke up with a blemish on my face today. How can you be in your 50s and still be breaking out? Mother Nature is cruel. My hair is thinner and with static electricity everywhere due to the constant heat running I am a sorry sight today. It will get worse once I bundle up. My chest has the crackling sound I get from asthma which is due to the cold. I tell you I am one sexy woman today. I need to change out of my jeans with the hole in my knee and put on some professional looking slacks, try to tame my mane, cover my zit, wrap myself up warmly and drive the massive truck over to my meeting. Lord help me.

Happy Birthday my McDreamy

Today is my darling Rob's birthday.
Happy Birthday Baby!
I met Rob just about seven years ago. The first night I met him I was really taken by his smile and gentle way. Many things have taken place in those seven years, good times and bad times. I have to say that even doing the bad times Rob was never less than a caring gentlman. I am so grateful to have him in my life. Last week when my friend invited us to go to Las Vegas and be their honor attendants for their wedding Rob readily agreed, despite an intense fear of flying. He did it and had a great time. Rob is all about having fun.

Yesterday I made a run for bird seed to our local country animal food type store.
On the way out I saw a car coming in and ASSumed they were heading to park in the line of cars that all the others were in. I looked in my rear view and saw it moving. I began to slowly back up and saw nothing in the mirror when I felt resistance as in a heavy metal object. I pulled forward and realized I had hit an SUV. He was in my blind spot I guess. My car received minor damage but his rear passenger door took a nice beating. I was very apologetic to the man, who turned out to be a very nice guy. I did ask him why he had parked in the MIDDLE of the parking lot. He didn't really have an explanation for that. Now I had to call my insurance and put in a claim. I'm not trying to pass the buck. It was my fault and I should have been more careful. Still, I am somewhat annoyed that someone would just park their car in the middle of two rows of parked cars (the parking lot has NO lines of where to park.) Rob, as always, was understanding and even came home early to make sure I was okay. I always know that when the dark clouds are overhead I have a wonderful caring and loving spouse that will make it all seem better. Having spent decades of having to take care of everyone else and not getting much support, I can appreciate him all the better. When we came back from Vegas our friend Don called and asked me if I appreciated Rob. I responded yes and he said that Rob was one of the nicest people he had ever met. Even though I alrady knew that it was good to hear. I am blessed and grateful for it.

Viva Las Vegas!!!!!!!!

The top picture if my best friend Debbie sealing her vows to Don with a kiss. This was on January 27. We were 800 ft. atop the ground in The Stratosphere Hotel observation deck. The restaurant is a lot like the Seattle Space Needle. We had dinner in a restaurant called Top of the World and it was grand. I am exhausted. Hardly slept a few hours. Got up yesterday 6 a.m. Vegas time and only slept half an hour on the plan. Arrived in Philadelphia this morning to see snow falling. Got home and we had a couple of inches on the ground (which has now melted on roadways.) I took a cat nap. Duffy missed us terribly and wants a lot of attention.
We had so much fun in Vegas. We saw most of the hotels and casinos. We never stopped. Had a fabulous dinner at a 3 star hotel Buchon at the Venetian. What a magnificent and beautiful hotel. The meal was not to be topped. We had a trio of appetizers which included pate', salmon, and prisciotto. The salads were outstanding and I had braised shortribs for my entre. It was so delicious. We had a variety of desserts which included sorbet, cookies, brownies and coffee and chocolate sauces. I will need to diet for about three months. Seriously. More later I need a nap.

The Beasty Boys

Here are my "boys". This was taken in my computer room. Rob refers to it as the "rumpus room." You can see Duffy's crate. I have wanted to get rid of it but he seems to think of it as his safe haven. I have bought numberous crate liners, area rugs and even an actual dog bed for it. All have been chewed and ruined except the dog bed which he refuses to leave in there. AS quickly as I put it in, he drags it out. Perhaps because of his thick fur he is warm and prefers the cool bottom of the crate. I figure it's his domain and he can have it the way he wants.

The cat on the other hand, likes warmth and softness. He is often on the back of the sofa while I am sitting on it. While I am on my computer he is stretched out on the comfy reading chair. In this pic he is on the footrest. It's not a great pic of either of them. It's hard to get them together in one shot so I used it anyway.

Today I was going to get my computer room organized. Well that did not happen. Instead I was at the dentist at 8 a.m. to have him fill the "core" of the tooth that was root canaled a month ago. When I woke up there was snow on the ground and the roads looked icey but I went and it was okay. After that I went and had new front tires put on my car. I needed them for winter. I picked up a few groceries and returned home. I was going to take a nap. That did not happen. I played games on the computer and touched base with a friend I haven't spoken with in awhile. I am still tired and need to go into the office tonight from 6-8. Before that I have to run to the store and pick up a prescription that I haven't so far although it's been on my to do list since Saturday.

It's windy and overcast here. Not sure what the weather will be doing but I am sure hoping that on Friday it's clear. That's the day we will be driving to my friend's outside of Philadelphia and taking a limo (when she does something she does it right!) to the airport. We will be arriving two hours before takeoff. I am working on my list of what to bring. Not much can be carried on. I can hardly believe I will be having four days of vacation. It's been five years since we got away and that turned out to be for ONE night. Wayne Newton watch out!

My best friend, Vegas and a new pic

This is my new professional photo. Often in my business people use photos that look nothing like themselves. Women go to the glamour place and get makeup that they could never themselves apply, get their hair done in ways that they could not do and dress with sequins. That is so not me. Other people get an everyday looking shot but have ten or twenty years airbrushed away. When they meet clients the clients are wondering just how old that photo is. I refuse to do that. I am what I am. So here it is. Not sure I made the best choice for the jacket with the lines.

My childhood best friend is getting married again. She is taking Rob and I with her to be her witnesses. She is generously treating us to a four day weekend and we are excited. We really like her fiancee'. As she is telling people some are making plans to be there as well. We will be leaving next Friday about 4. Here is the kicker. My darling husband has never flown before. I have used every tactic to put his fears at ease but I can tell you they have not worked. I asked him before agreeing to go and he told me that he would go. I have visions of him holding onto the airport chairs as we are boarding the plane. I fully understand as I had the same fear until I took my first flight. Both of our mothers were afraid to fly and I think they taught us this fear. Rob's Mom did finally fly but mine never has.
We will be gone over my mother's birthday. In fact my friend's new anniversary will be my mother's birthday. I have to decide what I am wearing and what to take. This weekend I am doing two open houses, one today and one tomorrow. Monday I go to the dentist and then work so I need to get myself into high gear and get moving.

The other thing is what gift to give. They both had households. I am thinking something monogrammed. Any suggestions?

Busy

I have been going nonstop since my last entry. I have an hour long presentation I will make tomorrow to prove that I have the knowledge I am required to have. I love working for this company who offers so much training and support. I am much happier in a corporate environment where everyone is treated equally. I have a mentor who is so colorful. She is extremely knowledgeable and helpful. She is working me hard but at the same time I am getting valuable experience and that's a good thing.

I went to my doctor today and I was less than thrilled at what he had to say. He put me on two more medications. I get frustrated. Tests showed I had pretty clean arteries and he remains concerned about my cholesterol. As it is I have given up eggs, real mayonnaise, butter, red meat etc. The medicine doesn't lower mine enough to please him. A cardiologist does not accept the guidelines that a regular doctor does. Tonight, once again I will be having roasted chicken and vegetables and fantasizing about roast beef. Still, I know that my cholesterol will probably never be low enough. My young nieces and nephews have the same problem. It's familial.

Tomorrow after my presentation I must go to the hospital and get my blood test. After that I am planning on taking it easy. I am doing an open house on Saturday and on Sunday. I need a day to take it easy. When I am home I am usually looking things up online. I know it will get easier in time but right now I am trying to find my first listing and my first buyers. I have leads on both but I need commitment.

The Professional

I have completed another week of classroom and office training for my new career. More and more I have gained knowledge and confidence. I received my proofs today for my professional photo. Of course the photographer offered to retouch a bit. I mean I did my own hair (and of course it had to rain and frizz that day.) I did my own makeup which I am not very good at but at least I look like myself, not like someone else which most of the glamour photos turn out like. Just me. I have been told on occasion that my smile could light up a room. I hope so because that's the biggest thing going for me.

I got my signs today with my name and phone number on them. I am now in the system where I can look up real estate listings. I have a professional email. It's all in place for me. It feels good. I miss some of the people from my previous job. Starting a new job is always bittersweet but I am focusing on the sweet right now.
I am in a wonderful new place with very supportive people. Right now that is making it so much easier for me. They are leaving no stone unturned to give me all the tools that I will need. I am appreciative of all the help I have received from people who have no motive other than genuine kindness. I am grateful that a former coworker is working alongside of me. We both happened to choose the new place on our own. Life is steadily improving for me. I am in a good place.

This and That

I am starting to feel like a real real estate agent. I was at an open house last weekend and had the opportunity to show a lovely property to a woman who complimented me. That was a good experience. I am still in school, and have homework from there and from my very capable mentor.

I am having growing pains. My mother always used that phrase to describe when we were going through a bad time of something that we knew would leave us in a different place when it was over. Someone who I thought knew me, a "friend" of thirty years started accusing me (to others, not to me personally) of things that were simply not true. Her husband called me the other evening to ask me how I could be so hurtful. I had no clue what he was even talking about until he explained himself. This was news to me. I attempted to call this person to discuss what it was they thought I was doing when they would not take the call. I then received an email from them telling me how they were feeling attacked by me. My reaction was complete shock. Then hurt. If someone knows you for thirty years how can they NOT know you? And furthermore how can they tell you that they are so badly hurt but when they feel better they will continue the friendship that they value. Does this make sense to anyone? It does NOT make any to me. Why would someone who truly believed this WANT the friendship with someone they believe to be so heinous? My email reply was that it would not be necessary for that person to contact me again. I put a lot of value in friendships. When someone wants to accuse me, falsly and without proof, then I do not believe there is a friendship to begin with.

My best friend will be getting married in Vegas the weekend of the 26th. We will be going with the happy couple. I am excited. My friend knows I am having a tough time right now. She has offered to treat us. We desperately need to get away.

Right now we are very concerned about my sister-in-law. She just had a feeding tube put in. She was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. She is in her early thirties and she has an eight year old daughter. She is very depressed and now with her radiation treatments her hair is coming out. My mother-in-law works and is taking care of her daughter and granddaughter when she is home from work. My sister-in-law lost so much weight and she was slight to begin with. She is continueing to work because she used up all her disability time while recovering from two surgeries.

At times like this we are hanging on to our faith and our hope. Please say a prayer for Jen. She wants to gain some weight, enjoy her daughter and get back to her college courses. She's spunky and my money's on her.

PEACE

I have always been a huge fan of the peace sign. I used to have a tee shirt that was white and had tiny red peace signs which almost made stripes in the shirt. In many of my photos at the shore between ages 14 and 16 I am wearing it. I had a huge glass purple peace sign I won in Asbury Park hanging from my curtain rod in my bedroom which otherwise was pink and feminine with my canopy bed and pink princess phone.
Oh the conversations I had on that phone.....some lasting until the wee hours of the morning. Some comments where I was so tired I could not recall having made them the next day when they were repeated back to me. I remember well the Indian moccasins I loved wearing. The ones with the long fringe on the side. Love bead jewelery, tiny beads that were made into flowers forming necklaces and bracelets. Those were some of my most carefree times in life. I had a little red Buddha incense burner. My parents went bonkers over that. Of course that made owning it more fun.
Today I read an interesting fact about the peace symbol. Lord Bertrand Russell, head of the British campaign for nuclear disarmament had someone create a badge to be worn by members at their first anti-nuclear weapon demonstration in 1958. The original was hot pink on a black background. The word peace was on the top arch and under it a small white dove. The designer used the letters N and D from the Navy Semaphore Code. If only they would have known that it would become a universal symbol for a group of people and that it would remain popular decades later. I love the concept of peace. It's something that means so much to me. Not just on a globular level but to me in my own emotional state. Sometimes at mass there is a line that we sing that ends "grant us your peace". Often when the weights of the problems feel so heavy upon me, I choke and cannot sing this part. I think when we do things to put each other in a peaceful frame of mind we give the greatest gift possible. If we do not have peace, we have nothing that can take it's place.

Peace begins with a smile. Mother Teresa

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind. Ghandi

If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else. Marvin Gaye

Peace be with you.

My Accent..........having been in Maryland until 10 and then New Jersey.........

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland   "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
Philadelphia
The Inland North
The Northeast
The South
Boston
The West
North Central
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

A gloomy day and a good read

It began raining here sometime during the night. It's cold and damp. I woke up at 4 a.m. and began to read a book I had purchased last week. ( A book that was on the New York Times Bestseller list.) Some might think it odd that I would want to read a book about leukemia. This book, My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult is so well done.

It is about as accurate a book about a family with a child with leukemia as I have ever read.
The story is one of where a younger daughter was conceived to be a bone marrow donor to the two year old daughter of a couple. The daughter from her birth has been used as a donor of sorts. Even the umbilical cord from her birth was used to help give the older daughter a fighting chance. Eventually, the younger daughter, now 13 decides that she has given enough and is entitled to live her life in the best interests of her body. I am only through the first one hundred pages but it is fascinating reading. Especially to me. When my son got leukemia one of the first things they asked about were siblings. There were none. For a leukemia patient, the ideal thing is to have a sibling who is a perfect match for you. That is usually only possible with an identical twin but sometimes a sibling is a close enough match. In my case my son and I did not share the same blood type. Like all four of my siblings, my son was type A and I was a different type. My sister was tested and was in the ballpark for a match. We didn't do any further testing as it was not something necessary. My son was registered in a bone marrow transplant bank. I wish I could make some healthy people realize that to give bone marrow is often to give the gift of life.
I know children who received additional years even if not cured from the transplants. In order to be tested you have a simple blood test. Often there are testing drives when a sick child is in an area. The testing is not inexpensive and often fund raising drives cover those costs. You are not a potential donor if you have ever had cancer yourself. You must be healthy.

This book makes me wonder if someday all umbilical cords will be stored as an insurance of sorts. Or that all people will be HLA (tissue type) tested and records kept on file. I would love to see what great advances medical science will make in the coming years regarding these issues.
This is where I would like to see our government funds going as opposed to many things that I cannot agree with.

I do not see the need to fly a past president's body all over the country at a huge cost to taxpayers. I would truly respect a past president who planned his funeral and asked that instead of all that expense that taxpayers make a donation to the food banks of Washington, D.C. or to some other worthy charities. A President currently in office is a different matter. It just doesn't sit right with me that someone's body is flown all over at taxpayer expense while some people will go without any food today. Maybe that's just me. It's nothing against any of our past presidents. I would not think their families would want to be put through all that traveling either. They had to live their lives in public at one time, let them have their privacy now. IMHO

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! My hope is that the new year will bring us all peace.


I am thinking back on all the changes my life has seen in the recent years. Some of them have been difficult, but I am trying to view them as opportunities to learn and grown. I have worked hard to get myself to a place where I can begin a new career, one which I have control over, to at least some degree. This has given me back some of my self confidence which had taken a real beating the past year. Some people wish to roll the clock back and be many years or decades younger. I do not wish that. Life has taught me many lessons that I would not wish to repeat, but having survived them I am a much stronger person. There are times I wish I could make people be me, if only for one day. I think they would learn a lot too. I do not take anything for granted. Each day I know that I am receiving a gift. No one knows how much time they have left but when you deal with the problems that I do, you know that they should all be savored and lived to their highest potential. I had to make some difficult changes recently to gain back the quality of my days. I cannot control the quantity of my days but I can take all the steps I can to insure the quality. I wish all of you quality days and most of all I wish you the knowledge of the gift of each day.

Merry Christmas to All and to all a Goodnight

I had a wonderful Christmas. Last night my spirits were not too bright but I put my best face on and we went to my brother, Bob's house. He had a nice crowd which included two surprise guests, my niece and her fiancee'. I hadn't known she was dating anyone since her break up during the summer so it was quite a shock. I didn't get to talk to him much but it was good to see her, she made a long drive from upstate New York to see us. As usual my sisters-in-law were a lot of fun. We had a nice time and got to spend some time with the newest member of our family baby Cadence who is a few months old. She had on the cutest Santa outfit. My sister-in-law gave me a great handbag (have I ever mentioned my love of handbags?) Came home and went to bed and this morning we woke up bright and early thanks to out cat alarm. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. I knew I was getting my flat screen monitor and didn't expect much more. I should have known better when the Leprechaun Santa is on the job. He consulted with our friend Tim, quilter extraordinaire and got me a sewing machine. I was delighted and look forward to doing a few things with it. I also got the most adorable Christmas monKey ornament with two monkeys. I think my favorite gift of all though was a business card holder. It has hot pink flowers on a border with my name engraved on it. Inside is the slogan my husband suggested that I use. I love it! All my gifts were wonderful but this one reflected such thought. My son came over and gave me an electronic organizer and a real estate dictionary which he proceeded to quiz me on. That guy! He was amazed at what I already know but I will be taking two weeks of further training next week.

My husband received some good stuff from Mrs. Claus which included a beer making kit, DVDS of the show House and a PS2 game. I was sad that the lottery tickets in his stocking were not big winners. I guess he will be going to work tomorrow after all.

We spent most of the day at my mother's house. My brother his wife, sister, her daughter, parents and my grandmother were there. We had a nice dinner. Sometime later my sister's significant other arrived. My sister has a horrible cold. She will be leaving in the morning. Tomorrow will be a hectic day for me as I run around getting papers I need and checks. Today was a much needed escape from the problems of the recent past. I am tired and looking forward to a restful night. This Christmas went surprisingly well and I am happy that I got to spend it with two relatives I have not spent time with in a very long time. Merry Christmas and good night.

Staying Afloat

Right now I am battling within myself. I am struggling to understand why some people say things and then when you take their advice get angry at you. I am wondering why people cannot just be happy that you have worked hard and put yourself in a place where you can possibly have more income (income of necessity not want). If they can't dictate to you how to live your life then they question your loyalty. What is that all about? Does one have to ruin any financial opportunities to prove loyalty? I think the key is that one must do what one needs to survive.
I am reminded of a quote "Don't tell me who you are. Don't tell me what you'll do. Show me what you've done and I will know you."

I just read a wonderful entry by Judith HeartSong. She makes such wonderful observations about life. She speaks how such situations are learning experiences. I must view this that way. I am about to embark on a journey. Where paychecks will not be steady. I have not received a paycheck in three weeks. (I am expecting to receive one for two of those weeks soon.) It's a bit scary. I have to view this as an opportunity to receive an education at which time I will start to earn money. Patience. Something I need to work on.

Christmas time has always been a struggle for me. It began when I was ten years old. I remember that Christmas as though it were yesterday. We took in a brother and sister foster children. My mother knew their aunt. For Christmas we were poor, my father was in the Navy and there were four of us children already. We crammed them into our rooms and now there were three sharing our double bed. For Christmas my mother bought the girl a teardrop pearl necklace. It was beautiful. My sister and I received a child's table with two chairs. It was ideal for my three year old sister but I was ten and although petite couldn't fit close to the table on the tiny chairs. My cousin called me and I went to her house. She had received a metal miniature kitchen. The sink even had running water. She also received a beautiful birthstone ring and many other things. I had such envy. It was so hard to deal with. The foster daughter was very mean to me. My mother kept telling me that I had to be understanding. At night she dug her fingernails into my arms until they bled. It was hard to be understanding. Finally they went back to their parents. We never heard from them again. Since then Christmas became an emotional ordeal for me. I still don't understand why but years later this haunts me. This year has been especially tough for us. We are both from large families. We have twelve nieces and nephews between us and two greats. We also have seven siblings and four of them have spouses. Over the years I have asked to stop exchanging. Some have agreed but most have not. I am overwhelmed with trying to shop and buy for all these people. Many of them buy anything they want all year and want or need nothing. Yesterday one who had agreed three year ago not to exchange called to tell me that she had bought us both gifts. Now in the eleventh hour am I expected to be out shopping for them? It gets harder each year. My charge bills arrived yesterday and thought I might need medical attention. I want to stop the madness. My mother-in-law's gifts are still here because I didn't have the money to ship them up there. I did ship the box with the children's toys earlier. I love buying gifts and I love giving. When the giving is so sacrificial it becomes difficult. It took me until the summer to pay off my charges last year. If my situation remains the same next year I think I am going to have to bite the bullet and refuse any adult exchanges except for each other, my son and our parents. I just can't keep going through this year after year. It ruins the holidays. I want to experience a Christmas Eve with the excitement that I once could. No stress, no pressure. I want the gifts I give to be sharing time, quality time with people I care about. Not an obligatory gift that I know they will be thinking "Who can I regift this to?" Sorry but how can I give you anything you want when you buy what you want on a daily basis? What can I give someone who is receiving diamond jewelery each year? Why do I feel pressured to go out shopping to get something for someone who agreed not to exchange knowing that I have two prescriptions I will be running out of in two days that will wait until my paycheck arrives to be filled.

This is my Christmas prayer: Lord please help me stop the madness and fill my heart with peace. Please don't let this stress get to me and necessitate a trip to the ER because I can't afford the copay. Amen.

Four Days and Counting

I cannot believe we are four short days away from Christmas. The countdown has begun.
Today I had the priviledge of taking my 94 1/2 year old grandmother grocery shopping. She is so sweet, words cannot describe my joy at spending time with her. I always think of the Christmas story about the cup of tea. How this woman goes into a house which brings back Christmas memories like a flood. My grandmother does that for me. My grandfather has been gone many years and I still miss him. To think that she will be gone one day just terrifies me.
She talks about that and I have to go into denial mode. I am seizing all the moments that I can with her right now. Thanksgiving was lonely for us. Although Rob and I are always happy to be together we only saw my son and no other members from either side of the family. Christmas we will have my grandmother here, my sister and her two daughters here and will be going Christmas Eve to my brother's house. It will be busy and we will see many of my family members. Rob's family haven't been here in three years. Fortunately, my parents who were dead set against meeting him have taken him into their hearts. Sometimes I think they like him more than me. Of course there are times I wonder whether they like me at all. Seriously.

I had Rob dye my hair last night. I have decided I cannot afford to get it professionally done anymore. It grows way too fast and often I am not happy with it. I was born with black hair. I was often asked if I had Asian ancestry which to my knowledge I did not. My grandfather's family were Black Irish. That means they had black hair and blue eyes. I always wanted that combination and think of Snow White when I think of that combo. My mother had that when she was younger. Now her hair is entirely gray and she refuses to put any color on it. I got the black hair but not the blue eyes. I have decided to have my hair be dark brown. It looks softer on a coughmiddleagedcough woman. It's also easier to add highlights or lowlights to.

I am tired tonight. I didn't sleep well last night. Change does not come easy for me like it once did. Even when we make changes we feel necessary it is hard to leave people behind. I hope as I get busier with launching a new career that will lessen. A new year dawns. I hope it will bring a feeling of financial security. I hope it will provide me with an opportunity to take a vacation, something I have not done in over a decade. Mostly though, I hope it will bring me good health and healthy relationships with the people in my life who matter most.

Changes in the Air

I am doing a lot of soul searching right now. Wondering where I should be in terms of my new license. There are many different ways it can be used and I am investigating the options which will be best for me. If I become a full time agent and give up my current part time job I will lose the security of the income (which is modest) however I will be giving myself an option to earn much more. I think I know what to do and have been receiving advice from people who have made careers for themselves. It's exciting but when one leaves the safety net it's always a bit uneasy.

I am still dragging from when I was sick several weeks ago. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and never did get back to sleep. I dozed but not the good restful sleep. I keep thinking how nice it would be to be making my own schedule more or less. I know that I have been way too stressed out. It's not good for me physically or mentally.

Tonight is my office Christmas party. Oops I mean holiday party. They start it at 4 which is ridiculous because noone shows up between 4 and 5. It goes until 8. At 8 a great new musician who just cut his first CD will be playing at a local pub. I would love to go providing I can stay awake. I think I could force myself.

Hanging Tough

December has been a rough patch for me. While I love Autumn and early Winter weather and the holidays I have not been feeling well or rested. I missed two weeks of work just after Thanksgiving and I just can't feel rested no matter how much sleep I get. Last night my sister called which was a wonderful surprise and we talked for two hours. I got to bed just before midnight and had to get up at 7a.m. Since I don't work on Tuesdays that wasn't plesant. I had to get up, get showered, get medicated and get to the endodontist for my root canal. I really dreaded this. I have to take a huge amount of antibiotics before I go and often am running into the bathroom frequently before the procedure begins. I have to say that I was thrilled with the wonderful and capable Dr. Berger. I told him if I ever need another root canal he'll be the one doing it. He was very relaxing and gentle and the entire procedure was painless. That was very different from my two previous root canals done by dentists. The procedure was completed in one day! I just have to go to my regular dentist for the permanent filling and I'm done. The novocaine has worn off and I have a bit of discomfort but nothing I can't handle.

Yesterday as I arrived home from work I saw a message blinking. My mammogram that I had several days ago and got a thumbs up for seemed to trouble another radiologist and I need to go back for more films. Since I had a breast cancer lesion removed two years ago I am a bit nervous. Hoping it will be okay, I go back a week from this Thursday.

Next Tuesday I get digitally fingerprinted. In my entire life I have never been fingerprinted. At least I won't have black ink all over the place but you know what this means. IF I ever commit a crime, they will readily identify me. Thankfully, I have nothing planned.

Today my one man support system Rob took off a day and took me to the endodontist. That helped me. When we finished there we ran into the mall and picked up a few things for Christmas and something for our friend's birthday. It will arrive belatedly but at least it will arrive.

It's overcast outside. This year our neighborhood has gone light on outdoor decorations, as have we. I want to make sure that next year I don't plan medical procedures or tests or any stressful things during the month of December. If things are going well financially maybe I will even take December off! No matter how stressed I am, no matter how full my plate is, I know that my life is good and that there are good people who truly care about me. There are others in my life who are not good people, who seem to enjoy being deceptive and who don't want me to succeed. I know that I am not responsible for those people. I keep them at arm's length and let karma deal with them. They will not rob me of my joy at all that is good.

A Tuesday to Be Thankful For

Tonight I am looking back on a day well spent. Yesterday I had a bit of a melt down feeling the pressure of my state licensing exam that I had to take today. Rob was home from work and was subject to my emotional bouts of terror. I did manage to get some studying in and took two practice tests online which helped to prepare me.

This morning I was up bright and early to do some final studying. My dear friend from work called me (one of the ladies I had taken the course with) to tell me she had just come from work and had said prayers for me. She gave me a pep talk as well. I simply adore this woman. I got dressed and decided to leave a bit early to pop in on my friend Monica who I worked with over thirty years ago. Her daughter was there with her four year old daughter who recently finished chemo and is doing well now. I met Monica's daughter when she was four years old and today I was looking at HER four year old daughter. Rather than feeling old I was explaining to Monica and her daughter that I had survived my cancer thirty years and am still going strong. Little Madison is a lovely girl and I took an angel that played Silent Night and she sang along with the angel. My heart was melting and I suppressed my feeling to just squeeze her so tightly. I feel it's important to act as normal as possible with a child under these circumstances. We had a nice visit and it lifted my spirits and Monica expressed her faith in me as well.

I headed over to the testing center. At the door I paused wondering if I could do this. I have had so much stress over this test. I read somewhere that 40% fail the first time. I did all my paperwork, had a horrible picture taken and was ushered inside with absolutely nothing. My purse had to be locked up. We couldn't even use our own pencils. Only a calculator of the simplest kind was allowed in. They allow 4 hours for the test. I can tell you that it is a very difficult test. They offer choices which make fine distinctions. You need to know the material thoroughly and be able to apply it to situations. I finished the test in under two hours. I walked out and they told me it would be a few minutes before the computer would give them the results. The results are pass or fail and not scored. Not sure why but that's how it is. My hands felt shakey although I thought I did okay. There was only one math question that I redid several times and couldn't get. I just moved on. After what seemed like an eternity the man smiled so broadly and said "YOU PASSED." I felt weak in the news. The tears began to flow and I was ferklempt. They handed me tissues. I explained to them how stressed out I have been. They said that they were glad I passed because if I were this upset over passing........... Yeah. I left with a huge sense of relief. Later my cell phone rang and my other coworker who took the class with me was calling. She had just passed her test and wanted to know that I had passed mine. She said if I hadn't it wouldn't have been as sweet for her. Yes I told her. I passed. I made many phone calls to let people know. I am proud of what I have accomplished. It wasn't easy to work and go to school and do the studying that I did. The important thing is that I did it. It will open up some other opportunities for me as far as income is concerned.

We went to IHOP to celebrate. We're just frivolous like that. :)
Seriously, I have missed two weeks of work with illness and studying. When I sell my first house we can celebrate then.

I just have one more thing to get through before I can relax. Next Tuesday I am having a root canal. While most people don't enjoy them, I find the dentist terrifying. Rob is taking me. I am not fooled. He wants to make sure I actually show up. After then, I will be able to enjoy eating hot/warm foods again. Right now it's not too pleasant.

As though visiting a friend, receiving tons of support from friends, passing the test and dinner at IHOP were not enough, I came online and saw that Jennifer, my journal guardian angel put up a Christmas tree and made it snow. Thank you, Jennifer.

Some days like today remind me how much I love life. Yes, you never know what new joys will unfold on any given day. Thank you God for another day of life.

Little Walks Down Memory Lane

Often I will read an entry in another's blog that will jog a little memory of my own. Tonight Jennifer was talking about her grandmonster turning 13 soon. It made me remember the traumatic incident that occured in my thirteen year old life.

We had a foster child named Michael. His father, stepmother and their children lived in a development. Michael couldn't get along with the others and they put him in foster care. He was a friend of my other friend Dee and I persuaded my parents to take him in. He was with us about a year I think. He had many friends from his development and one day he asked us to go and pick one guy up so they could hang out. I remember the first glimpse I caught of his friend, Ray. He had the largest, most piercing blue eyes and a beautiful smile. One glance and I was a smitten kitten. For the following year we went to each other's school dances and lots of trips in groups. We "went steady" for much of that time. During the end of the year Ray had "needs" that I was not willing to meet. He made it clear to me that their were other more worldly girls that were willing to. He tried to negotiate and bargain but I just wasn't that kind of girl. In June one night he called me and told me that he was breaking up. It was absolutely devastating to me. I called my best friend Debbie and through sobs told her how my world had ended. She had her Mom come and get me to spend the night at her house. I will never forget her mother, Dorothy telling me that there were "plenty of fish in the sea" and me sobbing in reply that there was only one FISH for me and Ray was it. We played "The End of the World" and other heart rendering songs as I cried throughout the night.

About a year later I fell in love, the real thing that lasted for three years with someone else. One day out of the blue Ray called me. He told me that he now understood what a jerk he had been.

The interesting thing is that from the day I first set eyes on Ray, I developed a "thing" for blue eyes. I always tell people never to underestimate the power of a teenage crush. Teenagers are vulnerable and often struggle with low self esteem. I am happy to report that my life was not ruined but it hurt at the time and I can still remember how I felt some forty years later.

'Tis The Season to be Stressed fa la la la la la la la la

I read an entry earlier about the commercialism of the Christmas holiday. It's so very true. This year, I have tried not to buy obligatory items but things that will have sentimental meaning to people. Still, I get weary. Although not up to it, I ran to the mall for gift certificates for my niece and nephew. They are great kids. It just feels so cold and impersonal to me.

One of my coworkers (who also took the real estate course with me) Melinda has sworn off all gifts. She started this last year when she said she had become completely overwhelmed. She has four grown children, the youngest of which is in an expensive college. She works THREE jobs, all part time. She has such a gentle voice and is a very compassionate person. When she told people she was going to implement this last year, they looked at her like she had three heads.
She went on to tell people that she would not accept gifts from them. This will be her second Christmas without the gift buying stress. She was telling me the other night how much more joy she can have. She still does a huge family gathering at her home. She makes a big deal over her children's birthdays. She just won't do the Christmas gift thing anymore. I love her courage.
One year I suggested to my family that we give donations to charities in each other's names.
My father who has everything humanly possible went ballistic. This is the man who year after year rips open something and ridicules it. This year he is getting a gift card to his favorite restaurant. My mother would no doubt cry all day if she didn't receive a gift. Again, there is virtually nothing you can buy her that she doesn't already have. Their VCR is only used when one of us is there to operate it for them.

Maybe next year Melinda's bravery will rub off on me and I will declare "Stop the madness."
Food for thought. Bon appetit.

The Big Monitor is Here!

Today was my day to rest up. At least until tonight when a coworker is driving me to get my certificate to take the state test. I know.......it sounds crazy but if I were not going to be there tonight I would have had to sign special papers. This is a very important certificate. I will go there, get it and get back to my toasty bed.

Rob stayed home with me today. HE got a lot done! We both worked on Christmas cards and they are ready to mail. Lots and lots of them. He then washed my kitchen floor, winterized our lawn and unpacked and installed my Christmas Monitor. It's a beauty. Sleek, black and large. I am loving being able to really see and the flat screen prevents a lot of glare from the glass ones. I get fatigue from my eyes.

I am still sitting here in my nightshirt. I was going to take a shower all day long but it just seemed like it would take too much energy. I do feel a tad better today, no doubt the antibiotics are starting to kick in. Had a barrage of phone calls today. I tried to call a few people back that I owed calls to but couldn't get anyone else home. Just as well because I am sure my voice could use the rest.

Christmas is less than four weeks away. Hard to believe. I still have some shopping to do. My brain hasn't been too creative this year. I wish money were no object and I could give Rob a certificate to choose his dream car. That's what I would wish for him. He has done so much for me and done it without complaining. I must confess that Rob is not perfect. I have discovered that when I snore he does things to wake me up. Being congested I have snored a lot lately. Other than that, he's my McDreamy. I look at that face and it still melts my heart. Damn, hope I don't blow any more valves!

All I really want for Christmas (at least right now) is chicken soup

I am still sick. I had woken up last Tuesday not feeling well and on Wednesday had a bad sore throat. Now I think I have a sinus infection. Called the internist and he will see me at 1:45. It seems to me that the right half of my head feels much sicker than the left. My voice is a scratchy sounding weak noise that my animals don't seem to be hearing. I had to call out of work, something I hate doing when I have no paid sick days. On the other hand, I am too ill to work and would not want to infect coworkers with this plague of sorts.

This morning I managed to remove the sheets from my bed and get them into the washing machine. Rob helped me replace them before going to work. He wanted to stay home and take me to the doctor himself but if he calls out the day after a holiday, he won't be paid for the holiday, which is two days. I told him I will be fine.

I would love some chicken soup with matzoh balls. There's this wonderful Jewish deli only ten minutes from me but it seems so far right now. I don't know what time they open. I sure wish they delivered. Once you've had their soup you are ruined for canned soup. When I get there I'm going to buy extra for my freezer.

I am still eating Thanksgiving leftovers. Is anyone else? Saw a recipe on a show where they used the turkey, gravy and veggies and made a top crust only pot pie. YUMMMM. No matter how ill I am, I never lose my appetite. Sometimes I think I starved to death in a previous life.

All I really want for Christmas (at least right now) is chicken soup

I am still sick. I had woken up last Tuesday not feeling well and on Wednesday had a bad sore throat. Now I think I have a sinus infection. Called the internist and he will see me at 1:45. It seems to me that the right half of my head feels much sicker than the left. My voice is a scratchy sounding weak noise that my animals don't seem to be hearing. I had to call out of work, something I hate doing when I have no paid sick days. On the other hand, I am too ill to work and would not want to infect coworkers with this plague of sorts.

This morning I managed to remove the sheets from my bed and get them into the washing machine. Rob helped me replace them before going to work. He wanted to stay home and take me to the doctor himself but if he calls out the day after a holiday, he won't be paid for the holiday, which is two days. I told him I will be fine.

I would love some chicken soup with matzoh balls. There's this wonderful Jewish deli only ten minutes from me but it seems so far right now. I don't know what time they open. I sure wish they delivered. Once you've had their soup you are ruined for canned soup. When I get there I'm going to buy extra for my freezer.

I am still eating Thanksgiving leftovers. Is anyone else? Saw a recipe on a show where they used the turkey, gravy and veggies and made a top crust only pot pie. YUMMMM. No matter how ill I am, I never lose my appetite. Sometimes I think I starved to death in a previous life.

An Unusual Thanksgiving Holiday

This was one of the most unusal Thanksgiving holidays I have ever spent. We had planned to be in Rhode Island. My mother-in-law felt that our dog might be problematic and besides she was sick so it seemed best not to go. Not my decision but sometimes you can only roll with the punches. We had a nice meal at home, which I was scampering about last minute for. My son came over and I had macaroni and cheese for him, the vegetarian. I had developed a sore throat and on Friday we were just hanging out when the phone rang. My friend had been inviting us to her place on the Cheseapeake Bay for weeks for Thanksgiving and we had declined, believing we would be in Rhode Island. I told her I wasn't feeling well but she wanted us to come so badly and I thought "I took 4 days off work expecting to go somewhere so why not?" My husband, the more reasonable of the two of us advised me against it. Ten minutes later we were packing up the car and made out getaway with Duffy in the backseat. Duffy gets carsick and I tried something on him the vet had given me. It worked for the first 100 miles. It was then that my backseat got covered. We pressed on and got to see the new home which sits on the Eastern Shore. The views are simply breathtaking. We had some leftovers for dinner and the men went and got Mission Impossible and we watched that. By now I was feeling worse and my voice was getting weaker by the moment. We went to bed and we both tossed and turned all night. The Canadian Geese were very noisy on the water. That would not normally bother me but my congestion, sore throat and some other man's snoring was keeping me awake. When we got up this morning, I know I disappointed my friend by saying we needed to head back. Three hours each way. She was celebrating a friend's mother's 100th birthday today. I simply could not in all conscience expose this woman to my illness. On the way back today our poor Duffy who had been a model of good behavior threw up all the way home. It was heart rendering.
We got him home, Rob bathed him and he is in good spirits. Not so sure if he'll be eager to get back in the car again. Rob did something he had always wanted to do. If you want to know what check out his journal. I don't want to steal his thunder. He is taking wonderful care of me this evening. He is more concerned about my health than I am.

I hate to think that tomorrow is the last day of my four days off. I have my final class on Tuesday night when I get my course completion certificate. I have to be well for that! Tomorrow I am hoping to wake up feeling better and maybe put a few Christmas decorations up. Now that class is done I just need to take my state exam and focus on Christmas. It's a beautiful life.

Happy Anniversary and other things to be thankful for

I get very choked up when I think of what I have to be thankful for. I am thankful to be alive. There were times when I wasn't sure I would live through a medical crisis. I first got cancer when I was 23 years old. I feared I would not live to see my three year old grow up. I did. :)
When my only child got leukemia at the age of 16 I was stricken with physical fear, nothing like anything I had ever experienced before. I would have gladly taken his place but that was not an option. I thank God daily that my son survived (after being given odds of 30%). I thank God that my sanity remained throughout that three year ordeal. I thank God that I found the strength to leave a relationship that was threatening the core of who I am. I am thankful that I found the strength and endured the really rough times and survived them.

Today is the third anniversary of my church wedding. I am so grateful that I found Rob. He is a wonderful, kind and loving man. He makes me feel valued and loved. It doesn't get any better than that. He always believes that whatever obstacles I have to overcome, that I will. Knowing that someone believes in you is something that I have not had for much of my life.

I am also grateful for my friends. The ones who have always been there to listen, who have given me hugs when needed and told me the hard truth when I needed to hear it.

I have much to be thankful for. I think we all do but often people see the glass as half empty. To me my cup runneth over.

Two Days and Counting.........

We are two days away from Turkey Day and I just went today and bought a 14 pound turkey and two pies. I normally cook pies but since I was at the endodontist today, go to school tonight and work tomorrow I decided to buy them instead. Not the cheap pies but the really good ones, one pumpkin and one lattice apple pie.

Back to the endodontist visit.....a few weeks ago I began experiencing pain each time I put something hot in my mouth. The pain seemed to be coming from my front tooth which had been root canaled about ten years ago. The dentist x rayed it and told me that he could'nt see anything and wanted a root canal specialist to investigate it. This morning when he put heat (and by heat I mean something that was smoking, litterally) on the tooth that I thought it was coming from I felt nothing. The same heat on the tooth next to it revealed immediate, intense pain. WE now know that #8 is fine but #7 has an inflamed root. The doctor recommends having it root canaled. Before the pain becomes unbearable and before it becomes dead and infected.
Damn I hate dental procedures. I booked it for Dec. 12th. That will mean that my dental coverage for this year will pay for it since I barely used it. If I postpone it, which I am tempted to do I might find myself putting a lot out of pocket next year. Better to get it over with. That is providing I don't back out. When I was a child I first went to the dentist at age 6. My older brother told me that the dentist used the jackhammers that were used on sidewalks on your teeth. When I learned I needed a filling I promptly threw up all over the dentist. The following week when I arrived I fainted, came to and threw up again. At that point he advised my mother I needed to be knocked out for the work to be done. They gave me an ether mask. Don't know if any of you have ever had that but the smell is sickening alone. I came to and found that four teeth were missing and others had so much pain from the deep silver fillings. My grandmother took me to her house and I was on liquids for a few days. From then on the very mention of the name dentist had me in a cold sweat. It was only as a young adult that I learned that my brother who had terrorized me about the dentist had never had ONE filling. In his thirties he got ONE very small filling. My mouth is full of fillings, now some metal and some porcelain. I can go to the dentist now without throwing up or fainting. I do feel anxious and once I hear the drill I go into my flight mode. I grip the chair so hard I will have cramps in my hands afterward. I keep telling myself that I am fortunate to be able to have dental work as opposed to having my teeth fall out. I am fortunate to have dental insurance and know that I will only pay 20% for the most part.
I will do what I need to to keep my teeth. I just hope it goes better than my last root canal.

Why I support cloning........

This week I would like to be able to clone myself. Seriously. On Thanksgiving my mother will be going to my nephew's house in Pennsylvania. At first it was a bit shocking and I wondered what we would do. Little could I have guessed. We got an email from my mother-in-law (she can't call anymore because she can't afford it so we rarely communicate.) When we do try calling her she is rarely home which perhaps if she stayed home more........well I won't go there. My sister-in-law, the baby of the family has had her share of problems. She had a nerve removed which contained a tumor and she is now undergoing radiation. She has a seven year old daughter who has been quite upset, understandably so. We NEED to be there. I would like to be here with my son. I would also like to be at my friend's new house on the inlet of the Chesapeake Bay. Unfortunately, I can only be ONE place. It will probably be Rhode Island but we first have to find someone home to talk to. It is very hard when you have two families and they are nearly 300 miles apart. I also have a son who is here. His father goes to his girlfriend's and my son does not go there. It gets so complicated and I wish it weren't. This will probably be the last Thanksgiving that we go to Rhode Island. We have tried for six years to get my mother-in-law to come here. She refuses and the last time she was at our house was two years ago and it was a two hour visit while passing through our state with her sister. It has been three years since she was here for our church wedding. While she has managed to go to Mexico, Miami, Michigan, and New York she hasn't been able to come here. This really frustrates her son. She does not know my son, her son's step-son at all. That really frustrates me. Why must everything be so complicated? I have a trunk full of gifts to take up there. Next year if they are not going to come here we are going to have to do gift certificates. I refuse to spend money to mail toys and gifts again.

Don't get me wrong.....it's not that my family is a piece of cake either. Oh no. Not at all. I have older nieces and nephews that show up at my brother's house every year expecting gifts when I have never received a card in the mail from them. It's the one time of the year I know I will see one of my brother's and his family. They see her family weekly: parents and siblings.

I am not going to let any of this get me down. I refuse! I will enjoy turkey day. I will enjoy Christmas or someone's going to pay! I have visions of a flat screen monitor dancing in my head.

Thanksgiving Approaches

My son called me earlier. He is sad because he can't celebrate Thanksgiving in the house he grew up in. Making matters worse he drove by the house today and the new people made some changes. I had seen those changes and while I don't think they enhanced the appearance, that is their right as the new owners. My son still regrets that I could not live there indeffinitely, perhaps even until he someday could take over the house. The taxes alone were beyond my reach once the house and all it's bills become solely mine. I was lucky to get out from under the financial burden. It had some good memories and my fireplace that I still miss very much.

My son is having what are growing pains. He hasn't found anyone he wants to share his life with. Well, he did many years ago but she decided once she lived in the city that she wanted to have her freedom. He has never cared for anyone the way he cared for her and I fear that it will be a long time, if he ever trusts anyone with his heart again. Life has been difficult for him. I wish I could change that but I cannot.

Saddest of all to me is that he cannot seem to see how much he has going for him. He finally has a full time job and money in the bank but he wants to own his own company. He is not a good business person as he does things for free or little money. He wants to be generous and helpful and while those are admirable traits they don't make a business owner a success in most situations.

He talks about leaving this country. The grass always looks greener. I understand that. I remember what it is to have dreams and the yearn to travel. I worry though. I don't want to have to worry. The hardest part of parenting is letting your child (no matter how old) pursue their dream knowing that it would be easier for them not to. I won't squelch that in him. He has the roots and now he is going to spread his wings. I'm glad that he is physically healthy enough to be focusing on things like that.

Celebration Time!

I am happy to report that I passed my final exam. The hard studying paid off and I got an 89 on my final. I think only one person got a higher score than me and she is the one person who does not work outside of her home and studies three hours per day. She got a 95.

My coworker and friend invited me to her house and we had the celebratory wine and a sandwich. We are both so relieved. Now we only have to pass the state licensing exam and we are good to go. It's been a long, hard road but the end is in sight.

Thanksgiving is next week and I will be spending it with some very special people. Time to be grateful and that I certainly am.

A B C........simple as 1, 2, 3...........

Yesterday I studied.....from 10 a.m. until 5 p.m. I covered eleven chapters. Reread them and wrote myself notes. It was a productive day. Today I plan to cover the next eleven chapters.
My test is at 6 p.m. These are the chapters with the math problems in them and two are difficult. When I am done writing this entry I will be opening the book. I have found that taking breaks and learning to relax a bit is helping me retain more than I previously had. Yesterday the pets were good. They each got something to entertain them and I had a lot of quiet while studying. I feel really good about the day's progress. Things which previously confused me seemed to become understandable. My brain seemed to be kicking in. Woohoo!

The laws I have studied on discrimination have been very interesting and thought provoking.
In New Jersey you cannot discriminate on race EVER because it's a federal law. You can, if you own your own home and are renting out a room or apartment in part of your own dwelling, discriminate on some other factors though. I never realized that there were so many laws regarding real estate. In New Jersey there are laws prohibiting discrimination against sexual or affectional orientation. New Jersey is a progressive state. If you have been watching the news you know that. This state is overpopulated and very costly to live in. Sometimes though, I am proud of this state. I have lived here since the age of ten. That's coughfortytwoyearscough.
I live in such a diverse area. There are people from every race, nationality, religion. I have a neighbor a few doors down who has lights up for Ramadan. He's from India. It's a cultural melting pot here. Since I can't afford to live in Manhattan this is as good as it gets. I love the city. Often wished I could afford a brownstone there....in an artsy neighborhood in the Village. That will never happen but the suburbs which were rural farms when I moved here so long ago are now more and more an extension of that city and it's people. It keeps life interesting.

Damn I Feel Cranky

Yesterday was a wonderful day. We drove to Pennsylvania to celebrate the birthday of my best friend since the age of ten. She seemed to like her gifts and we had a nice cake. Later in the day we went to a restaurant with her son and her fiancee's son and had a nice dinner.

Today I really need to be studying. I am facing so many distractions. The neighborhood kids bouncing a basketball and screaming, dogs barking (including my own) and a spoiled cat that cries constantly alternating between wanting attention and food.) I need peace and quiet. I remember being a teen and studying with music blaring in the background. The louder the better. I read something ONCE and retained it. I have read this material dozens of times and still, I miss things. It makes me cranky. It makes me banish pets for some "me" time.

On the second half of our midterm our teacher had 70% of the class fail. She blamed us for not studying. I studied for at least four hours for that test. I did well all through school. I think it's one thing to do something and another to teach. Perhaps that is my crankiness speaking. I know that I have spent countless hours trying to study, some were more successful than others. Still, I was told by the three people who scored an 80 on that midterm that they don't work and they study a MINIMUM of three hours per day. I am frustrated. Yesterday was a nice distraction for me but now it's time to buckle down and I keep wondering if I have the right stuff.

It's raining and while I usually hate it, I am getting happier because that means that the kids can't be outside playing. Sometimes I think I need to be in a senior development. That sounds awful but I need my quiet now. Damn it.

Happiness Is............

Sharing your Best Friend's Birthday!

My Week

Last week was quite full. Halloween was it's usual hectic night. The Duffster was dressed as "The King" with his white cape that had the gold eagle and jewels. He seemed to like the cape, even the collar that framed his head. He did veto the shades and I didn't push it. He greeted and barked at each and every treater I got. That was over one hundred although I don't think I had my record of two years ago which was about 130. Living in a development invites a lot of treaters for safety reasons. I don't know many of them but I do remember being a kid and each and every little bell ringer gets the same: a sticker page, Sweet Tarts and Dots or a Kit Kat, small sized treats.

I didn't have school Halloween evening but I was studying for the second part of my midterm which took place on Thursday night. Now that was scary. Picture this a room of over twenty adults looking at the test then each other in shock. The results were horrifying. Two women who are the 100 score, perfectionist types were able to get 80. Myself and a handful of others just missed the 70 score, coming in at 66. The majority failed it completely. I am talking scores of 40 and lower. I was always an A or B student. Frequently on the honor roll. I am not used to this. What is troubling is this: the book gives reviews and practice tests. I score 80 or above on them. This instructor with her decades of experience is making up her own tests. Huge discussion amongst students as to whether certain things were even mentioned that appeared on the test.
Secondly, there were two things discussed which were glossed over. There were five questions on each on the test. This is where the perfectionists couldn't even pull it together. One woman went into the ladie's room and sobbed. It was that bad. As one of the perfectionists was leaving she remarked to the teacher that the degree of difficulty on that test was beyond any expectation she might have had. The teacher remarked "I thought it was easy." Our instructor has worked in the field for over thirty years. I think that she cannot realize any longer what it is like to be starting out. It's one thing to do something but another to be able to teach it. At this point I am still trying. I did take a practice state test and did well but I must pass this final exam in order to be eligbile for the state licensing exam. I am hanging in there. Too much money and time invested to turn back now. Heading onward and upward.

This was my weekend to work. Yesterday was an exceptionally pleasant day at work and I got much accomplished with the quiet for the most part. I am having my yearly physical (the one I skipped the previous two years) on Wednesday and will be leaving early so I even made up that time on Saturday. It's hard to work a full day Saturday have Sunday off then return to work on Monday but Rob is such a help that I manage. He worked half a day Saturday also. I came home to dinner on the table, the house vacumned and a smiling face. Doesn't get much better than that. Some days I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming. Seriously. There was a time when I would have never believed that I could have the peace and contentment I now experience on a daily basis. The more I think of that I wish more people would realize that it's all about the choices that we make, or do not make. I know there are people who just will never get out of their bad situation no matter what. How sad because they are missing so much. I am so thankful to be where I am and to be with the person who brings out the best in me.

Turn those clocks back

Tonight something wonderful is happening. We get an extra hour of sleep.......at least in theory. Not sure my animals will note the difference in the morning.

I had a stressful week. Much more hectic than usual and a test on four chapters of material on Tuesday. I passed but not by a great margin. This concerns me. Today was my Saturday off but I was in such discomfort with my hip and back that I was not able to study. I was able to nap a bit on the sofa but the phone woke me up. There was a tiff in my family this week that lead to many irritating phone calls. I invited a sibling and his spouse over for dinner along with my parents to celebrate my father's birthday. The spouse felt that my menu (homemade macaroni and cheese with smoked sausage, salad and a birthday cake) did not provide a main course. I offered to make one dish without the smoked sausage but she felt I needed to also bake a ham.
I did not feel that was necessary. They didn't want to come which lead my parents inviting them out to dinner. We were also invited but they went an hour before my husband got home from work. My mother said I could come alone but I chose not to. Now I am viewed as the difficult one. I have had discussions with both my parents in the past few days telling both of them that they have made vast differences in the treatments of their sons than that of the daughters. They both agree but continue to do so. Several of my friends have recommended that I distance myself from my parents. Whenever they need anyone I am the one who is called but their favors are to their three sons. This pattern has perpetuated itself my entire life. It's hurtful and it has become too much to bear when I have other issues, particularly that of my health. My sister is also having health issues right now and they rarely even phone her. I have explained things until I am sick of having to even think of it. They admit that they have doled out money to their sons and that they have done little for their daughters. Still, nothing changes. Although I feel guilty not helping them it might come to that at some point. I am only human and am still trying to understand how one minute I am inviting them here and the next minute they are taking the others out to dinner and we are not even in the picture.

I have made up my mind that I am not going to spend any more time thinking about this. I have much to do with my course, with trying to adjust to a change in my medication and trying to help do something to alleviate this pain. If it persists I am afraid I will be making a trip to the ER.

Amid all this unplesantness, Rob has worked many hours of overtime this week. With the holidays coming it will be a huge help. Tonight he came out tired but took me to the opening of a wonderful new store, The Christmas Tree Shop. Many bargains. The holidays are coming and I am only going to focus on those who care for me. Those who want to be hurtful will find themselves out of the loop. Life is too short.

The Tag

Sometimes you read something in another blog and it touches you so deeply......and you remember what the impact of another's life or words have on you. Today I felt that when I read Judith HeartSong's entry......it ended with her realizing that she had worth. I am so grateful to know that I have worth. That I am loved and cherished by someone whose love I can return. There was a time when I never believed that I could or would believe in love again.

Reading and thinking.....

On Friday my boss asked me to tidy up our conference room which had dozens of magazines in it. I noticed a few Smithsonians, some New Yorkers and a Time Magazine which I brought home to read. Yesterday after work I opened some and began to read through them all. I read an article in Time about Guantanamo Bay and then an article in The New Yorker about the same subject, while interviewing one of the attorneys representing one of the men who commited suicide. It left me very upset and sad. What disturbed me most was that when the prisoners are on hunger strikes they are being fed with tubes which many doctors say are much larger than those used by doctors in this country. They are of the opinion that these tubes are inhumane.
The articles clearly draw speculation that many of these prisoners do not belong there. One article mentioned that flyers were handed out in terrorist areas promising to make the ones who turned in the suspected terrorists rich. Of course while you might expect some terrorists to claim innocence it seems that lawyers did a lot of homework and feel that many truly are.
I sent my son home with these magazines today so I cannot make quotes or use the names. I had watched a special last night with a comedian. He was saying that he felt Bush was guilty of saying the stupidest thing any president every said "Bring it on" which was addressed to the terrorists. (The comedian, Louis Black, was born and raised in Silver Spring, Maryland. I was born in neighboring Bethesda and spent the first ten plus years of my life in Silver Spring.) I am impressed that so many attorneys from firms have taken it on themselves to try to help these people. I have a lot of respect for these humanitarians. I do not respect how the Bush administration has handled this situation at all.

I have a very hectic week coming up. The next four days will be so hectic. I hoped to relax today but had an unexpected visit from my son. I put all the things I had scheduled on hold. I did manage to get groceries (with Rob's help.) Tomorrow I need another blood test. It's a pain to be on blood thinners. When they fluctuate too high or too low adjustments must be made. Mine have been too high lately and I who never bruised looked like I took a beating with a Louisville slugger. I am happy to have them reduced but for the next few weeks that means blood tests every two weeks instead of every month. How I hate needles. You would think I would be used to them. At least I no longer faint but I still do not like them.

Today we bought an artificial pre-lit Christmas tree. Of course a real tree is better but when you have two pets it's difficult. The dog might be tempted to hike his leg on it and the cat even attempts to shimmy up the fake trees. Last year my old tree shorted out. I tried to fix the lights and then in complete disgust threw out the old tree. This one is a slim which is perfect for our small living room. I look forward to Christmas. It's the only time of year I get to see my one brother and his family. Although they live only twenty miles away, there is always something going on with their teenagers or with his wife's family. It's only Christmas Eve that we really see them. It makes it extra special.

The leaves are falling and I am liking the brisk Autumn air but I miss the sunshine. The days are getting darker earlier and I know that next week I will be adjusting to the time change.
Best of all I feel more and more like my presurgery self. I am back in the thick of it and loving it.

Letting Go

I spent several hours on the phone last night and again this morning with my friend who is finding it difficult to let go of her former relationship. Why is it so hard for us women to let go? Even when we know a relationship is painful, sometimes toxic, we second guess ourselves for years to come. For some reason we have this hope that the man (who was clueless throughout the entire long term relationship) is going to have a moment of awakening and tell us he is sorry for everything he ever did. (An admission of being less than perfect would be enough for some.)

The sad reality is that the man thinks that any woman who left him is a bitch. End of story.They don't give a thought to the reality that they were content with the status quo when their wife perceived her existence as a caretaker. No matter how many times the woman may have tried to communicate her feelings of frustration and felt they fell on deaf ears, the man will say he never knew she felt that way. All they can think of is that their needs are no longer being met.

The woman is often beating herself up for not having been able to enlighten him. Often during the divorce process, or after, she is calling him on the phone trying desperately to have him admit that he was less than perfect. This is where one must be realistic. Had he been able to do that in the first place you probably wouldn't be at this point. I told my friend she simply has to accept that she cannot get blood from a rock. This man has never admitted in his forty something years on Earth that he made a mistake in any case. Surely, he won't break precedence now.

As a woman, I wish that we could take on more of the man's attitude. They don't agonize over love lost. (I admit there are some men who do but they are the exceptions.) As I was telling myself we need to validate ourselves more and stop relying on the former lovers to do it for us. We don't need approval for getting out of a toxic relationship. Instead of questioning ourselves we should be patting ourselves on the back. I have gone through two divorces with close friends recently.

Please don't read something into this that I hate men. I love men. I really do (the good ones that is.) It's just that so many of them (especially the ones over forty) feel relationships are a one way street. Far too many are cut from that same cloth where if they bring home a paycheck they have met their obligations. In a world where the partners also work for the most part, the main responsibilities for running a house, raising the children, and caring for the pets falls upon one person. That person is rarely the man.

Life is short. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is but a dream, all we truly have is today. We need to wake up each morning and give ourselves our own strokes. Life is hard. We can only take responsibility for our own actions, not those of others. I only wish I had known what I know now at 30. I can't go back and change it. I can only move forward and savor the days I have now.

Today I should be studying but instead I am going to go shopping and buy myself something new to wear to work. I deserve it. Give yourself some props today.

"I can be changed by what happens to me
But I refuse to be reduced by it. ~ Maya Angelou