Busy

The past few days I have been covering for a coworker who is on vacation. She had a lovely couple who wanted to put an offer in on a home. The homeowner feels he should get his asking price which is not in line with the neighborhood. It's unfortunate when you come across a homeowner like this. In the business we pull "comps". These are homes which have things very similar to the one we are trying to place a value on. When homes are in a development it makes doing this very easy. It's so disappointing for a buyer to have to deal with someone who is not realistic. When there are many homes on the market, pricing a home right is crucial for it to sell.

My cell phone, the razor has a non functioning keypad. I went to the AT&T (formerly Cingular) store today. They told me I had to deal with the manufacturer but it was under warranty. For me who is on the cell phone at least a dozen times a day, not to have it working, is a hardship.
I had some voice mails which showed up two days late in addition to the keypad problem. They promised to have one to me no later than Friday with me paying for the expedited shipping.
This is the last time I buy a cell phone because I love the color and the thinness of it. If I continue to have the problems with the delayed voice mails I will be switching companies. Tomorrow I have another long day. I have worked two of the longest days ever this week already. I am working Saturday and Monday on Labor Day. Being a realtor is NOT an easy job. There are some wonderful things about it but you have to be flexible with your time. When someone wants to act quickly you accomodate them.

OH what a beautiful morning.......oh what a beautiful day.....I've got a wonderful feeling........everything's coming my way!!

It has been a crazy past two weeks. I was sick but going downhill slowly and not realizing how sick I was until Saturday when I woke up feeling SOOOO much better. I feel really good today too...........
I had a situation at work which was very delicate. My former mentor is not well and I was floundering and not knowing how to handle it. I couldn't pester her with phone calls with what she was going through but I needed someone to bounce my ideas off.
Fortunately, a coworker saw the situation and stepped up to the plate and called her and explained that I would never be so unkind to complain but that I was being put in a difficult situation. Much to her credit she made contacts and saw that I have a new mentor now. I pray daily for my previous mentor that all will be well with her and I am grateful that during her difficult time she did something to help me. I will never forget that and hopefully sometime in the future I can repay her in some way. I am more grateful to my coworker than I could ever say.

The weather last week was so crummy. It suited me being sick I guess. All was dreary. This weekend was all about sunshine. I soaked it up. Every last drop! It was really hot Saturday and I had to work for a few hours in the afternoon. Yesterday it was a bit cooler and I worked again. I feel fortunate to work with people who are helpful, friendly and make my office a happy place to be. If you need help with anything you just ask and although they are "independent contractors" they will take the time.
My attitude is 100% improved over the past few weeks. When you don't feel well, don't sleep and can't put your hand on what's wrong it's hard to feel any direction.
I got recharged over the weekend. I have a full week at work and I look forward to it.
Two coworkers are on vacation and I may have to pitch in a bit there but I am looking forward to it.

As much as I like summer......I love Fall. It's on it's way and I can hardly wait. I already have a new Halloween decoration. A fabulous witch my sister-in-law bought for me. It's my favorite time of the year. All the holidays are fun without the issue of gifts. Just time to have fun and be thankful. Speaking of being thankful.......August 31st will be our 5th anniversary. It has gone by so very fast. So much to be thankful for in my life partner. He is always there for me. Even during the times I try to pull away, he gently refuses to let go. I think I'll keep him. :)

One final thought: I sure do miss the postings in Randomly Rambling. No one had the wit and humor of the beloved author of that blog. I need those laughs again.
Pretty please with sugar on top???

A Great Quote and Some Thoughts

"A great friend is one who gives you what you want to take and takes what you want to give." Mario Batali

I love a good quote. Saw this one on a card which I purchased for my best friend. I have had the same best friend since the age of ten. We have had our ups and downs over the years but she has always been there for me when the chips were down. She is very comfortably financially. Many people think that would cause big problems for us but it really hasn't. She lectures me for being so generous when I give her what I can afford to. She doesn't lavish money or gifts on me but treats me the same as she always did from the time we were children.

I love the internet. I really do. When I think of all I can accomplish on the computer I am amazed. I can find out the weather and even what my local pizza place is serving special for lunch today. I could even order it up in advance. What an amazing tool. What I do struggle with are email addresses. I have way too many (as one blogger can attest to when the other day she asked me just how many emails do you have?) When I began on AOL so many years ago, you could only have 7 letters in your email. I opened my account with Nelclaire which I am stuck with as a master. My family used that and continues to. My darling hubby, then boyfriend gave me a cute nickname and I used that as a second identity which I used for chat rooms and such. I later learned people from there took it and used it on Yahoo and other places. I still have it on AOL and won't give it up. No one emails that one but for sentimental reasons it stays. Nextly I made one up for a religious chat room I went to. I never imagined all the email that would start. Nice people and I still want to stay in touch so that one stays. Next I made a screen name using my actual name. This was going to be the ONLY one I would use. When I began the job hunt I quickly learned that my journal was being read by every company/job agency out there. I felt I had no privacy and tried to make up something else. Ended up deleting both. I now use my Verizon addy for my work email. I was forced by Blog Spot to make up a GMAIL account.
IF I tried to check all these emails all the time I would be crazed. I am trying to think of how I can get down to only ONE email for everything except business. I wonder if the screen name
I Have 2 Many Email Addys is taken. I am open to suggestions.

Appreciating Myself

Today was myself appreciation day. It was long overdue. For the past month or so I have been so bogged down with a cold and all the telltale signs, the cough and dark circles under my eyes.
Yesterday I went to work and had to cancel something I was going to do in the afternoon. I came home and took inventory of my thoughts. I have been pushing myself very hard for the past month. Yes, I needed a day of pampering and spoiling myself. Don't think I take this to any real extreme. I did it with a budget in mind. I started out by going to a new store here that just opened. They sent me a 25% coupon off. I was able to score two lovely tops for work at HALF price each! I also bought a nice quality tee shirt and a necklace that matches one of the "shells".
Got 25% off all of that and the necklace was marked down as well. OH yea I was on a roll and just feeling better about having something decent to wear to work. I had worn white and black nearly all summer. I then headed over to my favorite farm market near the house I lived in for twenty years. It's in the country. I got a huge canteloupe, three huge tomatoes, three large plums, six ears of corn and three green peppers all for under $10.00. The smells of the fresh produce were wonderful. I then hopped over to the factory outlets and bought my nephew a toy at the Disney outlet. I saved about $10.00 on that and found my mother-in-law a Tinkerbell mug for $1.99! Could this day get any better? YES! After that I headed over to my favorite pizza place who makes the world's best salad (IMHO). I came home and enjoyed that and just enjoyed viewing my bargain purchases. Had some of our fresh wonderful produce for dinner.
A fresh garden tomato makes a hamburger right off the grill taste extra good. The corn was so fresh. Came home and had a two hour phone call with someone I rarely get a chance to talk to. My husband is home and the weekend is here. Except for an hour and a half tomorrow we can enjoy each other's company and just kick back. My life hasn't changed in the past 24 hours, only my perception has. Today I stopped to enjoy a few things and recharge. We all need that once in awhile. At this point in my life when my body speaks, I listen.

Saluting a Heroine or two

Brooke Astor dead at 105

I have always thought of Brooke Astor as a heroine. Having enjoyed the museums of New York there are so many places that are the beneficiaries of her wealth. While some people who are wealthy only think of themselves her great life's work was sharing the wealth. I have the utmost repsect for this woman and I think most people in the New York area share that.

For the past few weeks I have been enjoying my 95 year old grandmother's company. This time we did notice memories that were confused at times. She has had such a clear mind for most of her life. She walks a bit unsteady on her feet at times. She has less gray in her hair than I do! It is about 90% brown still. She frets constantly that her hair doesn't look pretty because the beauty parlors in her day used curlers and a set. Now they all want to blow it out. This is a constant source of frustration for her. She still enjoys cooking but this year she had to supervise the planting of her garden instead of doing the work herself. She takes frequent naps but I can only say that if I lived to 95 I would be very happy to be in the wonderful condition she is. Yesterday she was telling me that she lays in bed every morning doing leg lifts. She has been a hard worker all her life and took care of her mother who lived to be 97. We cannot partake of any food without her first blessing it. She thanks God constantly for everything. She is very grateful for everything and thanks us profusely for the smallest things. She has never had much money but she wants to treat us constantly. In short I can sum it up: I have been very blessed to have been touched by this woman's life. I will miss her when she goes home today.

Contemplating many things

Yesterday I learned that someone I know has had a cancer relapse. This is such distressing news in many ways that I won't go into because they are keeping it very private right now and I need to respect that. It seems that my life is constantly touched by this horrible disease and I just wish I could go for a time where I didn't have to hear the word. That word evokes so many negative emotions for me, especially now, with the loss of someone so dear to me. I struggle daily with the emotions of grief and at times disbelief. I have to force myself to think of other things and distract my mind. This week for the first time I have been able to sleep. However, that is at least in part due to the fact that I have been sick. I have the head cold from hell. I wake up with a sore throat and the need to blow my nose a few times but then seem to go back to sleep probably because of exhaustion. I went to work yesterday to see a few new homes that were listed but quickly came home to lay down. Today I am trying to just hang out and rest. Already had two bowls of chicken soup which I swear make me feel better, at least temporarily.
My bed is calling me to come enjoy the soft cotton sheets and quilt. Quilts and down comforters are such great source of comfort to me, especially when I don't feel well. In the winter it is so cozy to crawl under my lightweight but very warm down comforter. In the warmer months I switch to a light weight hand made quilt which I love. I actually own several, some of which were made by my grandmother. Well time to rest.

Simpsonized

It's been hectic here with so much going on. Let's see last weekend my sister arrived with her significant other. I gave a party on Saturday for my grandmother who turned 95 the previous week. I only invited my siblings and their significant others along with us and my parents. There was some complaining that each and every family member should have been invited. Thing is, I was paying and chose to have a buffet supper, on a budget. (Did ya ever notice the ones who do the complaining are the ones who never pay or do anything themselves? Hmmm.)

On Sunday evening as my sister was departing, my mother-in-law, brother-in-law and niece arrived for a visit. We were all so disappointed that we had pouring rain on Monday. We visited my grandmother and afterwards went to get a few things, including some back to school shoes. Came home and had burgers on the grill and hoped for a good day the next day. That morning my brother-in-law slept in until noon. We were told we couldn't/shouldn't wake him and by the time he got up he only wanted to go to the mall. Rob did take the little princess for a miniature golf outing. While they all headed off to the mall I took superpup for his annual visit. He was so well behaved and happily healthy as well. That night I had to go to work and the following morning they were on their way home. The visit went so very fast. It's so hard to do what several people want. I wanted to indulge our niece and do anything she wanted. Unfortunately, she is going through some fears right now. She is terrified of getting lost. When her grandmother was out of her view for a few seconds at the store she screamed her name. She was fearful of going anywhere a crowd would be. That was virtually anyplace that might have been fun for her. I don't know what is the right/wrong thing to do in a situation like this. Three years of psychology didn't tell me how to deal with a fearful eight and a half year old who just lost her mother. I just dispense all the kindness, food, hugs and kisses that seem comfortable for both of us. Meanwhile at times I am washed in a wave of grief and the tears flow. Yesterday we went to the store and made many copies of pictures that we have. I am working on an album for her to have. Most pics of her Mom and her together and a few of her with us or her Mommy with us. Our constant thoughts are of this little girl who is so bright, so strong, so nervous and seems so very vulnerable. Her grandmother is still recovering from a recent surgery and seems so tired. I worry that she is up to this huge task. I worry that as my mother put it "she listened to her heart and not her head." We have told her that we are here as a back up for her. I hope she will take advantage of that. In the meantime my constant thoughts are of how I can make a small difference in this child's life.

On Friday I got a notice from the IRS. They think I failed to report something which I did NOT.

It's a mistake in how the taxes were done and I am afraid a nightmare will ensue. I do not have the money they are claiming I owe them. I have the guy I pay to take care of this working on this and I hope he comes through because I am on stress overload. Somedays seem so very overwhelming as I try to adjust to all the changes and concerns. One day at a time. I keep telling everyone else that and it has to work for me as well.

A Hot Topic

I just read that Amnesty International is saying countries that don't provide abortions are on their list now. This distresses me. With so many other human right issues such as female castration I wish they would not go down this avenue. They are going to alienate many of their supporters.

I was raised to think that abortion was wrong. The irony is that my grandmother told me she had a back woods abortion when it was illegal. She did it because she felt she could not afford a second child. She spent much of her later years regretting that decision. She later became very religious and was adamantly opposed to legal abortions.

When I was in high school I had friends who became pregnant. I cringed when I learned that some of them had abortions. There were many forms of birth control available and for the most part they didn't use any of them. I felt that was very irresponsible. In my early twenties I was becoming more and more open minded and I felt that it was a woman's right to choose. I didn't really think that I could ever personally use that right but having said that, I have never been raped or sexually abused. In those cases, I think every woman should have that option.
When I went to work for a health insurance company my views on abortion changed. The reason for that is how often many women were having abortions. When they called to discuss their benefits they would talk at great length about it. Most of these women were married.
More than one told me that if their benefits didn't cover birth control pills then they would not purchase them but rather make the company pay for the abortion instead. When I had one client have several in one year my view was starting to change. I would never make abortion illegal however I would like to see legislation of some sort that would not permit it to be used as a form of birth control. To me, that is irresponsible and immoral. Perhaps this is only my opinion but it is how I feel. I also have strong feelings about other emotional issues. Having said that when I pick up the paper and read of children who have been murdered by their parents I have to ask myself if that child would have been better off never having been born. Those are not my decisions to make or my judgements to pass but I wish people would take more responsibility for their own actions. Again, I realize that there are people who are victims who are not given that opportunity and that does not apply to them.

On a different topic I was shocked at something I saw on The View yesterday. Barbara Walters, Joy Behar and an African American actress whose name escapes me at the moment, all admitted they had affairs with married men. Only the newer younger Elisabeth had not.
They all felt it was wrong. I am strongly opposed to cheating of any kind. If you make a lifetime commitment to someone then I think if you cannot keep that commitment, you deserve it to let your partner know. My suspicion is that in many of those cases the partner is not happy either. I feel people degrade themselves by becoming involved with married people. The person who is married is not being faithful to their current spouse so why would you want them? I know there are rare exceptions where the cheating spouse is faithful to the new person but I believe those instances are rare. What about the person who was cheated on? It takes them years to rebuild trust, if they ever can. I know women who have never even dated again because they know they can not find it in themselves to trust. I wish we as women would show more respect for ourselves and other women and not become involved with these men.
Sometimes I think that I am becoming more conservative as I age. That worries me. I have always prided myself on having an open mind. Part of having an open mind is the ability to go back and rethink things I guess. I will have to revisit these thoughts in the light of day.
Well, it's nearly 5 a.m. and I have a big day tomorrow. Time to try to get back to sleep.

I am still here

I don't really feel inspired to write much these days. This past week my mother-in-law sent us a box. In it were some of Jen's things she thought I might like. I do like them but I hate that I am receiving them under these circumstances.

On the happy side of life I am working to make Cassandra's 9th birthday magical. She has wanted an American Girl doll and I have been bidding like mad on Ebay to secure her one that I could afford. One in VERY good condition. My neighbor's daughter Skyler, an angel, offered me hers. I told her I would accept only if she would allow me to buy her an ITunes card for her Ipod. I know that she is always wanting a song and her Mom doesn't like her to use her credit card online. She insisted that I did not have to do it but of course I will. In addition to the lovely doll, KIT there are some clothes. Missing is the original skirt Kit was wearing and I am searching Ebay high and low and not finding one. I have found the comforter for the bed that she gave me.
I plan to be in Rhode Island to celebrate this special birthday. I am hoping to be able to put together a little tea party for the birthday girl, a few of her closest friends and cousins and their dolls. I have obtained some little porcelain baskets to use as favors. These are the things that I try to keep my focus on right now. I have already ordered the Christmas outfit for the doll for her. I am hoping I can find a similar dress for her. (When she was at her Mom's wake she had a bear in a dress like hers. Although it was made for this doll she didn't have one and improvised.
I vowed to get her the doll and I think she will be thrilled.) Life goes on. I am sad much of the time and I have so many questions I would like to ask Jen. I want to call her and hear her voice. I want to hear her say it just once more "I love you" as she always did when we ended our conversations. When grief washes over me I just remember the words of Kahlil Gibran about sorrow and they are so very true
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
This is the price we pay for loving. It is hard but I am happy to pay it for someone who brought so much joy and laughter into my life.

My Bouquet

Last night as I was laying in bed and fretting on so many issues going on I began to make a bouquet of my thoughts. I tried to picture each one as a beautiful flower. I then began to focus on memories of my sister-in-law Jen. I began to smile thinking of happier times and conversations. Sometimes I am incapacitated by waves of grief. At times my mind goes into denial mode and I refuse to believe that I will never see her smile or hear her voice again.
We speak almost daily with my mother-in-law. She seems to be managing well but no one knows the pains that we hide from others. Life goes on. That bothers me. You die and life goes on without you no matter who or what you leave behind. I guess it is myself I sometimes think of when I have those thoughts. Mostly my mind focuses on a petite 8 1/2 year old little girl who faces each day without her Mom. I wish I could make it better for her and I hope to try.

I wanna know have you ever seen the rain coming down sunny days?

Today it was sunny and we had a rain shower. How appropro. This week has been one of the worst I have had in a long time. I met a wonderful couple who I liked very much. They were in the market for a very expensive house and they finalized it to two choices. They told me they would call me that was several days ago. I have since learned they have done this with two other realtors and never come up with money when needed. We all believe they have the money and I am hoping that it will still fly. Let's say I am guardedly optomistic.
My parents spent the past few weeks at their house they just built in upstate New York. It's been cold there. On Thursday morning as my mother was packing things up to head back to Jersey my father appeared to have some small stroke. His face contorted and he was visibly confused and unsteady on his feet. My parents called my brother who came and PRAYED for them. Not took him to the hospital a few minutes away but then sent them on their way for a five hour journey home. My mother called all the other children but me to tell them about it.
I learned as my other brother and sister called to ask me to go over and persuade him to go to a hospital. By the time I saw him he seemed okay and he refused to go to a doctor or a hospital.
I came home and it was nearly bedtime. I was so exhausted but this was weighing heavily on my mind. I dozed off until a giant clap of thunder wokened me. We had one of the worst lightning and thunder storms I have ever witnessed. I tossed and turned and I heard my neighbor's car leave around 1 a.m. I wondered if something was wrong. An hour later her husband's car left and I became more concerned which led to me tossing and turning some more. In the morning I discovered that my engine light was on in my car. Took it to a mechanic who turned it off and it came right back on. Apparently this means something serious. Since I just put over $600 in it last week I was hoping I would be alright for awhile. Not so.
I was exhausted and came home after checking on my father who again refused any kind of medical treatment or evaluation. I fell asleep and promptly my phone rang three times, two of the calls were asking me why I was not there observing my father while my mother was in Maryland picking up my grandmother. I gave up and went back to my parents house. On the way home again a few hours later I noticed that my mother-in-law had called my cell phone while I was sleeping. Rob was home then and I had him return her call. She needs a new pacemaker. Her one that is three years old has stopped working 75%. If it stops completely she will lose consciousness. She was going into the hospital today and having surgery tomorrow.
We had a huge dilemma. Do we go? Well, my car is not reliable right now and cannot be taken. Rob's vehicle is a truck, very uncomfortable and very costly gas wise. We thought he would go alone. WE have made several phone calls and her sisters are telling us they are on the case and that she will be upset if we come. She is planning on being here in about ten days. They are not having to open her chest totally as the wires are alright. Just replace the pacemaker under her chest. I am so overwhelmed right now. I am concerned about her, my niece, my father, my lack of steady income, my lack of sleep which has become so bad it's impacting on my health, my car repairs which may be outrageously expensive and my current physical problem. I am retaining huge amounts of fluid and have been put on a drug for that. I need some tests to make sure my valve is functioning properly. I cannot face the possibility that it is not.
I am sick of hearing myself and I fear that anyone who reads this will feel the same. I have never had so many things go so wrong....at least not for a very long time. I just don't know what to do to have even a sliver of peace right now.

Much To Do About Nothing

The hardest part of dealing with grief is being able to put it to the back burner so that you can function. At times it's nearly impossible. Today I have a list of things I simply must do. Instead of doing any of those things, my mind tends to wander. Yesterday I had a tense exchange with my mother-in-law. I had a picture of Jen and her daughter taken in May. In fact, this is the LAST picture taken of the two of them. I purchased the cutest frame that said Mommy & Me and put the picture in it. I was so excited about Jen's daughter having it. I mean, imagine the memory of that day for her. My m i l quickly vetoed that. She doesn't LIKE how her daughter looks in the picture. Well, who would like a picture where someone is so sick, wearing a wig, I GET that. But her daughter saw her look much worse in the final weeks. I didn't want to upset her so I dropped it. When Rob came home and I told him about it, he said let's just put it away for her and when she's older we'll give it to her. Yes, I certainly will.

I know that people grieve differently. I know that I must respect the m i l's process of grief.
Having said that, a part of me feels so disturbed that she is removing every trace of her daughter from her room. She has given away all her clothes already. I know how I grieve.
I worry that my little niece needs to be surrounded by her mother's things right now. I have searched my house for things Jen gave us. They are organized together and I feel the need to keep touching them. What if her daughter feels that way? Granted most of what she has was given to her by her Mom so she may not be going through those feelings that I am. There are things that I gave Jen I would like to have back. I doubt I will get them. For the life of me, I cannot understand how removing someone's possessions can help. My m i l came upon a box wrapped for a birthday present. She was so happy. Her daughter had missed her birthday this year and she thought that she had hidden away a present for her. When she opened the box she realized that it was not for her but for her granddaughter's birthday in the fall. Her heart sank. I really was sad for her. We exchanged a glance and a thought at the same time. There will never be any more gifts from Jen. I thought of the joy her daughter will feel on her birthday in a few months to have a last gift from her Mommy.

Now I must distract myself from these thoughts and go balance my checking account. I am going to try to write again in my paper journal.

Celebrating Life and a Joining of Lives

The first picture is Magnolia Diana drew and I just love it. She is a Southern Belle that has been liberated.

This is a picture of Diana with Rob (over 20 lbs. thinner)
when we met her in North Carolina about seven years ago.


I just learned that one of my favorite people, Diana the author sometimes formerly known as Prozak and ProzieofMountns has married her darling HippieJim.


Oh this makes me so happy. Two people joining their lives together despite hardships they have been through. Actually, I think hardships bring true love couples closer.


Diana helped me get through a really rough patch when I needed support. She didn't tell me what to do but gently affirmed my decision to take another chance on love.


Oh, friend, I can never thank you enough.


I cannot wait to actually meet Jim. All I know is anyone who still has Woodstock tickets really rates in my book. I hope someday he can see my Janis Joplin Porsche cookie jar.


Best wishes for a long life and much happiness,
From just one of the many who love you.

Relay for Life

(This is the luminaria that will lit in Jen's memory tonight. Between the two in the pic are the words "beloved mommy" and above the dragon pic are the words of Cheryl
" Rainbows and butterflies.Fairies and dragons.She always saw the magic in life." The heart is surrounded by gerbera daisies. At her services Rob and I had a huge heart of them with roses and a banner "Sister." Those are favorite flowers of Jen's and ours.) Thank you again to my ownline friends who made pledges in her honor. Jennifer, Mary and Katie bless you.

Today is the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life
There is a survivors lunch at noon. I can bring one guest. At 2 p.m. the festivities start. I have submitted luminarias for Jen (which Rob and I worked on together) and Marc, his friend we lost last year to cancer. I would give years off my life in exchange for a cure for this disease.

I am going to walk only one lap. If it's hot it is a strain on my heart and body.

There are two other cancer survivors in my office. They understand what I am feeling right now. When you survive cancer and someone else loses their battle you experience guilt. You feel unworthy to be given survival when someone else was not. Especially when the person is young and leaves a child. Our niece has become very weepy. She never cried at her Mom's services but now the slightest thing has her crying and she made the statement that she never got hurt before Mommy died but now she is having a lot of accidents. I am so concerned about her getting through this with minimal psychological stress. Her grandmother is doing everything possible to comfort her while dealing with her own loss. Yesterday she began cleaning out Jen's room, sorting through clothes. I would leave it all alone for a very long time. She and I are handling things differently and I have to respect her choices.

The Beatles were right......love is all there is. And.........the love you make is equal to the love you take. That's it, all there was to know and I have had the albums for forty years. When you leave this world all you leave behind is the love that you gave people. It inspires me to want to give more, be more accepting of others and make joyful memories with those I care about.
So, please have a wonderful weekend and know that if you have the link to this private journal, you are someone who matters to me. Peace and love baby.

It is hard to function. We are not eating or sleeping normally. Today I was driving and when I returned home there was a police officer who pulled up behind me. He asked if I knew why he had stoppped me. No. He proceeded to tell me I was going way over the speed limit and passed him and then had failed to signal when I turned down the road. I explained to him that I am detached from myself. I explained that just one week ago today my sister-in-law who had been promised a year if she had the surgery that she had six weeks ago was performed. I showed him her prayer card with the date. He advised me not to get out of the car (hmmm okay) and he ran all my information. I guess I was fortunate that I had a perfect driving record because he decided just to ticket me for not wearing a seat belt. I know I should be grateful because I would have had points and insurance surcharges. Instead I just think of the $50 I will have to spend.
I feel numb.......that is when I am not crying so hard that I have pain in every limb of my body.
Thanks officer for being a human being.

Thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts

I am consumed with guilt that I could have/should have done more for my sister-in-law.
I guess it's normal to go through that but I cannot feel that I did my best.
I want to be more like her, more thoughtful and helpful of others.
Her ex mother-in-law wrote this about her:
"Rainbows and butterflies.
Fairies and dragons.
She always saw the magic in life."
So very true. I do remember when her Dad died and she went through a bout of depression.
I know in time my grief will lessen too. I feel guilty about that as well. I made a memorial web page for her. On Saturday there is the Relay for Life for the American Cancer Society. I am walking with my team from work. I did it in her honor. I am doing two luminaries for her.

Rest in Peace

MEMORIAL WEB PAGE FOR JEN

On June 8th at 5:15 a.m. my beloved sister-in-law (the baby of our three sisters)peacefully left this world. We were blessed to be able to spend several hours with her for the two previous days. Despite four surgeries since January and many radiation treatments, her cancer had returned in less than four weeks after the last surgery in which the doctor felt he had it all. Mercifully, pneumonia claimed her before the cancer could. She left the world without complaint, much as she had lived her life. Her final words as we left that evening were barely heard because of the difficulty she had speaking and the weakness of her voice. We did see her mouth move and I heard the whisper "love you" as her mother, brother and I headed out. I suspected that might be the last time we would see her alive.

Jennifer McLaughlin McFetridge was a wonderful friend, daughter, sister, niece, cousin but mostly she was a mother to her eight year old daughter, Cassie. That was the thing that made her happiest. Making Halloween costumes, making head bands with ribbons to match each outfit, waiting in line to buy the latest Disney DVDs, anything that was for her daughter. This was her true happiness in life. Her daughter was not the only person who benefitted from Jen's caring. She always thought of what she could do for her Mom and even for her neighbors. All the neighbors had many stories of the times Jen had helped them. She did not complain. Her doctors came to tell us how brave she was, how hard she fought. We knew but it was good to know that they knew as well.

My favorite memory of Jennifer is this. When Rob and I were married we asked our DJ to play some Irish songs. He played the Unicorn Song where you make all the hand motions. She and I totally spontaneously, jumped up and the two of us did all the motions. When the music played between we grabbed each other and we waltzed all over the dance floor. We then proclaimed ourselves unicorn sisters. That Christmas we gave each other (unplanned) unicorns. That was a magical moment as were so many moments spent with my beloved baby sis. Several months ago I got a phone call at 7 a.m. It was Jen. They had just told her that her tumor which had been removed from her neck was now in her skull. She was scared. She talked to me about so many things that morning. Before we hung up she reminded me of the day we met. It was her father's wake. Her daughter was not yet two and I left the receiving line to care for her. We bonded like there was no tomorrow that evening. Since then her daughter and I have had a mutual admirational relationship. I adore that child and often think she was the daughter I might have dreamed of having. Jen asked me to promise her that if she lost her battle I would take care of her daughter, Cassie, at HER funeral. I promised her. I never dreamt it would happen. When we arrived for the communion last month Jen asked me to do everything for her. I did, WE did. Yesterday, once again, I dressed my eight year old niece and we went to her Mommy's funeral. It was heartbreaking to say goodbye. We will be seeing them here in a few weeks. I am hoping to make more money and surprise them with a trip to DisneyWorld.

I thought I was pretty together but Jen taught me a lot these past few months. She was wise beyond her years and she knew how to squeeze the lemons life threw at her and make them into lemonade. She knew how to put it in a beautiful glass and then take it to the beach to drink it. Her legacy is that she left people better off for having known her. I am a better person because of her example. I strive to be a good example for her daughter.

Jen never ended a phone conversation without saying to Rob or I "I love you both."

What a beautiful way to remember someone, that they made you feel loved. Thank you unicorn sis for the sunshine you gave not just to me. Jen was loved by all who knew her. It doesn't get any better than that in life.

My Absence

The photo is of Rob with Jen and her daughter at our wedding. Jen and I danced the Unicorn Dance that night, just the two of us on the dance floor. A memory that has to last a lifetime.


This will be the last post I expect to write for awhile. We got disturbing news today about my sister-in-law Jennifer. If you remember she had surgery just one short month ago to remove a large tumor in her head. They felt that if they radiated her right away, the chances were that the tumor would take at least a year to return. They did radiate her right away. The result was a swollen brain that filled with fluid necessitating a shunt put in about two weeks ago. Two nights ago she began to feel ill and they discovered that she had pneumonia. Last night they were uncertain she would make it through the night and wanted to put her on a ventilator. She refused (how I respect her for maintaing dignity in a hopless battle). Today they took her down for an MRI and it showed that the tumor is already back. Devastating news. The doctor told my mother-in-law that they are only going to make her comfortable at this point. To try to cure the pneumonia might only make her death far worse so at this time they are done treating her.


I think that is the right decision and one I would want made for me. The thing of it is although we logically know what is good our hearts only know the pain and don't want it. First thing tomorrow morning we will be driving up the the hospital for a visit. Not sure she will even know we are there. This is the dread disease that robbed a beautiful and energetic 34 year old woman of her life and her eight year old daughter of her mother. Surely, less money could be spent on war and more on cancer research. Tonight I am trying to think of all the wonderful memories I have of Jen. I have many. During our last visit I held her and told her that I loved her. We both cried and discussed our fear. When she first learned of the tumor in her head she called me at 7 a.m. I made a promise to her. One that I will keep. On the first day I met her over seven years ago we were going to her father's wake. Her little daughter was only a year old and I volunteered to take care of her, leaving her to deal with her father's service. That always impressed her. She made me promise to take care of her daughter at her funeral, should that happen. As my heart breaks, I will be taking my little niece's hand and letting her know that she is not alone. Letting her know that her Mom will always be with us in our memories. It's my final promise and it's the last thing I can do for my beloved Jen.

A great weekend

Yesterday we headed to the Philadelphia area. My friend Debbie and her husband Don took us to her tennis partner's home for steaks on the grill. Yummy and they had the best pastries for dessert. Came home and Rob found that he had eaten something that had him quite ill. Fortunately he survived that ordeal and today we went to a college graduation party for Debbie's son. Her ex husband and son's Dad is a wonderful guy. He had bought a brownstone in Philadelphia that is four floors, it even has an elevator. Beautiful and so interesting. We had a nice tour and his new wife Debbie gave us a tour. She is very nice and it did my heart good to see two families get together even though they are both remarried, and have a great time.
I got to see Debbie's huge family which I don't get to see that much anymore. I got to see her two grown children and got to see the restaurant manged by her new husband's son who is a great guy. If you're ever in Philly you should really stop in The Continental Restaurant and Martini Bar (old city) there is also one midtown. I was literally drooling looking at the fresh salads and had a wonderful drink called a Miami Mango something.
Now back to the real world. My doggie missed me like crazy despite visits from my son and mother he refused to eat. We missed him too. The cat is less fussy.
It will be nice to sleep in my own bed tonight. There truly is no place like home.

My friends, the books

Today I decided to clean up the garage. Well at least organize it. When moving things about I found an old box of some of my favorite books. I quickly opened and examined them. I have purchased so many over the years, read so many but these are the ones that I will always own.
Kahlil Gibran: three by him, one, Beloved Prophet, was so difficult to find as it had not been published in many years. It took me two years searching before I located it in a rare book store in another state. it contains his love letters to the woman he loved, Mary Haskell. I have been fascinated with him since first reading The Prophet as a teenager. Some of that book contains quotes that I frequently use. I love his mind. Other books are by Anna Quindlen. Her essays in the New York Times were outstanding. She can open anyone's mind by using logic. Three books are by an author most of you never heard of, Laurel Lee. When I was being treated for Hodgkin's Disease in 1977 she wrote an article that appeared in a woman's magazine along with her ink drawings. She was living the life of a hippie (not so different from mine) with two young children. While pregnant with her third she developed a horrible cough which was diagnosed as Hodkin's Disease. She refused a late term abortion as the doctors begged her to have it. She later gave birth to a healthy daughter and published her diary of the ordeal, Walking Through the Fire. A TV movie was later made of it, but it did not do the book justice. Laurel has an uncanny sense of humor and her drawings make it rich. I do not know what became of her.
I do know that her books are two of my prize possessions.

I stopped here and went to Google her name. I simply cannot believe that I never thought to do that. I just learned that she died August 2004 from pancreatic cancer after fighting it for a year I am so saddened by that but joyful that she left behind three children and four grandchildren.
The fact is that she died at 58 but she lived each day after her cancer diagnosis at age 29 with such joy and appreciation. Her dream was to live long enough to see her children independent and she achieved that. I hate knowing that she is gone because of all the days and nights that I wrestled with the demons of fear. I knew that she was out there doing the same and overcoming them. Thank you Laurel for all the hope that you gave me for all those years. Rest in peace. I have one last book of hers to purchse, Tapestry the Journal of Laurel Lee.

I have other books........they are my friends. Sometimes on a bad night they help me. I have one book that is unread. I purchased it a few years ago and I simply cannot get through it. I refuse to get rid of it and I just know that one day I will get through it, One Hundred Years of Solitude. My new favorite read are books by Jodi Picoult. If you haven't read My Sister's Keeper, you must. I am eagerly waiting to read her latest. Hoping it comes out in paperbook soon!