Much To Do About Nothing

The hardest part of dealing with grief is being able to put it to the back burner so that you can function. At times it's nearly impossible. Today I have a list of things I simply must do. Instead of doing any of those things, my mind tends to wander. Yesterday I had a tense exchange with my mother-in-law. I had a picture of Jen and her daughter taken in May. In fact, this is the LAST picture taken of the two of them. I purchased the cutest frame that said Mommy & Me and put the picture in it. I was so excited about Jen's daughter having it. I mean, imagine the memory of that day for her. My m i l quickly vetoed that. She doesn't LIKE how her daughter looks in the picture. Well, who would like a picture where someone is so sick, wearing a wig, I GET that. But her daughter saw her look much worse in the final weeks. I didn't want to upset her so I dropped it. When Rob came home and I told him about it, he said let's just put it away for her and when she's older we'll give it to her. Yes, I certainly will.

I know that people grieve differently. I know that I must respect the m i l's process of grief.
Having said that, a part of me feels so disturbed that she is removing every trace of her daughter from her room. She has given away all her clothes already. I know how I grieve.
I worry that my little niece needs to be surrounded by her mother's things right now. I have searched my house for things Jen gave us. They are organized together and I feel the need to keep touching them. What if her daughter feels that way? Granted most of what she has was given to her by her Mom so she may not be going through those feelings that I am. There are things that I gave Jen I would like to have back. I doubt I will get them. For the life of me, I cannot understand how removing someone's possessions can help. My m i l came upon a box wrapped for a birthday present. She was so happy. Her daughter had missed her birthday this year and she thought that she had hidden away a present for her. When she opened the box she realized that it was not for her but for her granddaughter's birthday in the fall. Her heart sank. I really was sad for her. We exchanged a glance and a thought at the same time. There will never be any more gifts from Jen. I thought of the joy her daughter will feel on her birthday in a few months to have a last gift from her Mommy.

Now I must distract myself from these thoughts and go balance my checking account. I am going to try to write again in my paper journal.