Grumpy Old Men

Update on "Mr. Mean"
At work we are on teams. I spoke to several of the people on his team who told me that they have all let him have it on numerous occassions for his comments to them. I am now wondering if perhaps he is trying to chastise someone else the way he has been chastised by some of his team members. The thing of it is, as one lady put it "he has issues." I have made up my mind the next time he tries to speak with me I am going to tell him that I find him very rude and offensive. While I try hard to be at peace with everyone I will not allow him to speak to me in a rude or offensive manner. Thank you all for your comments!

Yikes today I had a coworker who is in his 60s really get under my skin. I am a pretty happy go lucky person in general. This guy was a diabetic (he kept reminding coworkers constantly) and when I found out I was diabetic I mentioned it to him. The other day he is getting off the elevator with two of the biggest donuts I have ever seen. At lunchtime I saw him eating two huge pieces of the thick crust pizza. I wondered to myself what kind of diabetes he has because it must not be the kind where carbs matter. Today he gets in the elevator with me. I had a turkey sandwich in a wrap for lunch. He had his usual lunch of what would be two meals for me. He tells me I should really lose weight. He goes on to say I am too heavy for my height. Then he says I would be too heavy if I were a giraffe. I just stared in disbelief. This same man has told me that some of the women on his team avoid him like the plague. I am wondering of a tactful way to handle his comments. Of course he has no tact, but I never lower myself to someone else's level. I try to bring them up to mine when at all possible. This same man was selling candles for his church group last Fall and I purchased the most of anyone else there. My one friend said she thinks he actually thinks he is funny. Sadly, I agree with her. I don't want to spend a lot of time on what I want to say but I want to have something prepared for the next time he is so rude. Any ideas?

Feeling Better

It's getting late and I need my beauty sleep so this will be a quick post.....
I got all my diabetic supplies and am on my way to dealing with this. I am taking a pill twice a day , doing testing to see what my level is and I am eating almost no carbs. Later I won't be as careful probably but right now I have myself on a strict regimen. I am going to see a nutritionist as well. Today I had eggs for breakfast, baked fish and some squash for lunch, chicken and corn for dinner. Yes, I know corn is high in carbs. That was it for the day though.
I am surprisingly more energetic. I have only been on the medicine since Tuesday and I already feel a surge in my energy. Last night we shut the cat out of the bedroom and I actually slept from 10:30 until 6:30 a.m. It was heaven. I am hoping I can repeat that for several nights. It is bitter cold. Our bedroom is over the garage and it gets cold with the door shut. It's still worth it though for a good night's sleep. Tomorrow is a weekend again. The week flew by. Am hoping to take my love out for a nice dinner over the weekend for his birthday. He has a beautiful cake here but I am not eating it. I will post a pic another time. It was lovely.
Good night, sweet dreams to all of you and smile, the weekend is almost here.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROB

THIS IS ROB. (a few years ago before his BIG birthday.) SOMETIMES I THINK HE'S THE WORLD'S GREATEST HUSBAND. OTHER TIMES I KNOW THAT HE IS FOR CERTAIN!
I met Rob nearly nine years ago it was Feb. 13th to be exact. We had been in the same chat room on AOL for two years prior to that and had slowly gotten to know each other. He asked for my number and we talked on the phone and he sent snail mail letters. I finally drove up to Rhode Island to meet him when his father was in his final days of battling bone cancer. Right away I could see he was a magical Leprechaun and I never felt so comfortable in my life with anyone. I had just ended a long marriage and I knew the last thing in the world I wanted was to have another husband. I made sure I told Rob that on our first date. His response was that was fine with him because he never wanted to get married. We got married in August of 2002 and he was ready before that. Rob has seen me through a lot. I'm not always the easiest person to deal with but he manages. I think I'll keep him.
Happy Birthday Baby and I wish you many more. Over the years I hope you will see all your hopes and dreams come true. You are loved.

Spoiling Myself Rotten

Yesterday I received a call from my new internist. She had done a blood test to see what my glucose levels had been for the past three months. I was disappointed to learn that I am a diabetic. My cardiologist had told me about a year ago he thought I was at least a borderline daibetic. I will see her in a few weeks and begin some oral medication. It does explain why I have been so tired lately and why after eating no carbs I feel better. I have been trying to reach my aunt on the phone and learn from her experiences.

Today I headed to the mall with my favorite sidekick. I had purchased glass frames and the enameled paint was peeling off. They were expensive and the company sent a new pair so I had to have the lenses changed. While that was being done I went back to Sephora. They had the most adorable perfume bottles (Asian dolls) and are called names like Music, Love etc. I treated myself to the Love and to some major moisturizer. After that we picked up the glasses and had lunch at Ruby Tuesdays. I had the red sangria and it is sooo good. There are actually berries in the fruit mix and it was heavenly. We then went to AT&T and they finally had the new cell phone I have wanted for months. Now I have to learn how to do things on it but I think I will really like it. The salesman could not believe that a few short months ago my old Razor went through the wash and rinse cycle and was still working. Problem is, it's so difficult and time consuming to text message on that phone. When I am working I can't receive phone calls but I can text. I was communicating with my cardiologist's office about a cardiac lab being part of my network or not. The difference in using in network means a savings of over $500 to me. Right now I am trying to watch what I am spending. I could have stayed with my old cell phone but with the rebate I only spent about $79 for the new one. I got a case for free and a blue tooth for half price. Yes, I am rationalizing I guess.

One of my favorite coworkers got fired this week. We are all still in shock and I refuse to believe the stories I have heard. There is a quick turnover in any type of customer service job. It's hard to be screamed out, cursed out, threatened and then pick up your next call and go back into the "how can I help you" and mean it mode. If you want to do this kind of work you have no choice but to do that. Your current customer has no idea what you were just exposed to and frankly, it's not their problem. You have to be professional enough to let things roll off your back. Easier said than done. I really like the vast majority of my coworkers. I like many things about the company I work for. One of the main things I like is being paid and being able to go shopping for things like cell phones.

Taking a Sick Day

For the past several days I have been experiencing lightheadedness. I have also been congested and having sinus issues for two weeks. Today I felt so bad that I took a sick day. I need to get to the doctor and am trying to get through to their office this morning. How I hate being sick....I simply have no time for it. I take several medications...for blood pressure and a blood thinner that require some monitoring. I find it a hard balance just how much attention should be paid to the medical issues. At times the rest of my life has centered around them and now I try to put them on the back burner until they simply must be dealt with. It's not easy to work full time and keep up with it all. I was told last Fall I needed a stress test and I finally booked that for Feb. 23rd! I am a bit nervous about that as I will be having chemicals injected. I always worry about drug interactions. It may seem silly but I was given an antibiotic which brought on a very dangerous heart rhythm and landed me in the ER under close observation for nearly a day.

Stopping here to go have a doctor's appointment..........

Back from the doctors and I have some new antibiotics to take. They took blood to make sure that everything is in order. My blood pressure has come down significantly on my new meds.

I rarely remember dreams but last night, or early this morning to be accurate, I had a wonderful dream. I lept to the roof of a building and demonstrated my ability to fly. It felt glorious and the coworkers below were astonished. I felt complete joy. I awoke to a voice telling me it was time to get up. When I went to get up I realized I was too lightheaded to head off to work. I have had fun playing with Photoshop Elements today. I am a collage making fool. Well I want to get a long nap in. I need to be rested up to return to work tomorrow. I'm hoping the melted snow and rain won't have me driving to work on ice.

A New Header for My Blog!

I am so excited I got a new header for my blog. Yesterday we went shopping and I got Photoshop Elements. I had been dying to get something like this. The actual full Photoshop Version was $699.00! Can they be serious? I have wanted to try to spruce up my blog, make it more personal and possibly make some graphics. When we got home my husband decided he would play with it. He studied tutorials for hours and then came up with this header which I like very much. He has also made me one for Valentine's Day but I will wait awhile before unveiling it. I think he is onto a new hobby during his unemployment phase. It is time consuming to make them. Especially as you are still learning. I also came home from work to a fabulous dinner of pork chops with a marinara sauce on them and delicious green beans.
Tomorrow is my mother's birthday and I am picking up chicken on the way home and we will be going there with a cake and chicken.
This weekend I treated myself to my first visit to Sephora. I got the starter package for the Bare Minerals make up. It is a wonderful make up. Previously I never worried about make up but I am at an age where all kinds of things are going on which are disturbing when I look in a mirror. Since I work with a group of twenty and thirty somethings I have to kick it up a notch in my presentation. They do tell me I have style. Guess that's something to be grateful for. Well time for a nice cup of tea and a bit of television. I worked hard today...Mondays are always difficult. So glad I have a warm home, a loving husband and my fur babies to come home to. It's ALL good.

The Blame Game

I grew up with two parents who were only children. My mother got her baby sister when she was twelve and by that time her personality had been formed as an only child. Having an only child myself I made sure that my son realized the earth did not revolve around him, although he was always made to feel loved and important. Early on my parents developed a pattern I call the blame game. This seems to have been taken to new levels and I had a conversation with my mother tonight in which I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. When anything goes wrong, neither of my parents are too blame. The person at fault is someone else, for them it's usually the other spouse. The resentment this has caused for each other over the years is a sad thing to witness. Here they are after fifty years of marriage and still argueing and complaining.

Last night I called my mother right after I finished dinner. She began to cry and tell me she was having another day of just feeling sorry for herself. Why I asked.

(I knew better than to ask, really I did.) She went on to say that she had an appointment at a hair salon in the mall. My father had asked the last three times if he could go and she talked him out of it previously but yesterday she agreed to let him go. She told him to go to McDonald's and have coffee while she had her hair done. About ten minutes later he walked into the salon which embarassed her. Knowing my father, I would have figured this would happen.

She then asked him to go back to McDonald's and wait for her. When her hair was done and she approached him he jumped up to meet her and they headed to Sears where she needed to return a clothing item she had purchased that didn't fit. He told her he would wait in the car while she did that. She then waited in line and handed the item to the cashier. The cashier handed her back a few dollars. My mother asked where the rest of the money was and the cashier said it was put back on the gift card you charged it to. I am not sure if my mother told the cashier or not, I think she did, that she had thrown away the gift card. The cashier apparently told her that she was out the rest of the money. Now here is where the game begins. Apparently this was my father's fault. HOW I asked could this be his fault? Had he not been waiting in the car, making her feel rushed she would have taken the time to get a replacement item and told the cashier she would do that. I told her she could have told the cashier to give her back the jeans and done that at a later time. This is when the blame was redirected at me. I am unsympathetic to her plight of having to deal with my father. I told her I was not but that I didn't see how this could be his fault. Then the blame was redirected at her children who callously give her gift cards. Before I could make a statement she said that old people cannot handle gift cards. They have to be kept track of and then they expire and they make exchanges impossible. Last year we gave them a variety of gift cards for various restaurants, thinking it would be a great treat to go out and have it prepaid. I love gifts like that. She informed me they had not used any of them. She told me to give them a check or gift or not to bother. YIKES. She got herself so worked up she actually cried at times. I told her that perhaps she needs to have a list of errands to run and from time to time to tell him she has a list of errands and it's not a good day for him to accompany her. She said she didn't leave him for long periods of time but I reminded her she went to a neighboring state for shopping twice recently, ten hours at a time. She had forgotten about that. Why must I be the voice of reason? Just once I would like to have a conversation with my parents where they have something nice to say about the other. Actually from time to time my father will do that. He is in his eighties and physically failing. His life is pretty much sitting in a recliner watching tv with a hearing aid that amplifies more background noise than a voice he is listening for. They have a large house with a separate apartment and that is where my mother spends most of her time. Many nights she sleeps on a sofa in there instead of walking upstairs to her bedroom. When I think of these things I feel sad. It's their life though and they are living it as they have chosen to. Last night I went to bed thinking that sometimes the lessons we learn from our parents are not what TO do but what not to. I don't want to go through life blaming others. I am plenty capable of messing up on my own.

What a Week

I have to say that this has been one action packed and exciting week. On Monday I went to the periodontist in the morning. Had I been able to videotape my adventure that morning many people would have been entertained. My GPS has developed some quirk that no matter where I try to go it just wants to take me home. I finally got it situated when I tried to follow it and apparently I made a left onto Hoffman Road when it should have been Hoffman STATION Road just a few several hundred feet further up the road. By the time I realized this faux paux I had landed in a small town with a major detour. I realized the only way to get there at all was to turn back and take the longer route I was familiar with. I was heading toward Princeton and all of a sudden felt discombobulated.
I called on the cell advising them I would be late. HOW late asked the receptionist who answered the phone. I nearly bit my tongue off trying to contain my frustration as I told her since I was running very late and there was a major construction near a road I had to take I could not really let her know a time frame but I was hoping I would only be ten minutes late. She said to get there quickly but not to have an accident. I pressed forward and ended up arriving twenty minutes late. Fortunately for me the next appointment was a no show for the hygenist and I had lots of time. Enough time to purchase a sonic toothbrush which is vibrating my teeth to heights of near indecency. I did make it to work on time for my second half of the day.

Tuesday I was off the chart. This was the first time since 9/11 I felt so proud to be an American. I DVRed the whole thing and caught little in the lounge at work but when I came home I watched it all. I was on an emotional roller coaster. The thing that most touched me was one of my coworkers who is nearly 60 (I think). She told me stories of her childhood and the bigotry she experienced. She cried and I was fighting back the tears. We hugged and declared it a great day to be alive. A great day it was. I will never forget it.
I just wish Dr. King could have seen this. I saw an interview with Medgar Evers wife. That was also so emotional. Let us never forget that there were so many civil rights leaders who gave their lives so that each person could live their dreams. I pray often for our new President and his safety. You made me so proud, Mr. President and I am oh so grateful to have voted for you. Lead us back to the nation we can be.

Is There a Hotel for Oversized Kitties?

My husband will be leaving tomorrow to go see his family. Why, you might ask, am I not going? For one thing I do not travel well. Especially in cars. I actually enjoy flying and getting from here to there quickly. I do not enjoy my husband's frustration when we get stuck in traffic. I also really need a few days to unwind from work and if I spend them travelling on Monday I might have to be committed. Seriously. Then there are the pets. Today I feel that I should call them beasts. This is what happens when a dog person marries a cat person. I have a lot of patience for a dog, who I feel is man's best friend. Compassionate, tail wagging and grateful for the pat on the head. The cat has this crazy idea that this is his house and we are his servants. Strangely, at times this does to be the case. I have been woken up at 5 a.m. nearly every night for a week. The cat is beautiful. He is very tall and long and the vet says he is not overweight, but not to allow him to gain any more weight. When I wake up at night with no feelings in my legs because he has used them as pillows (as in body pillows) I am not feeling like embracing his neediness. He is like a cement statue that only moves when someone musters all their strength and shoves him off the bed. We sleep under a toasty down comforter with our heat turned down to 65. Most nights I will not emerge to catapult the cat. This has left me sleep deprived. Even on weekends I am never asleep past seven a.m.

We have a nice set up in our garage for the cat. He has a thick large bed and on top of that a cat tee pee. That has another mattress inside of that. I won't put him in there when it's in the teens outside though because it's very cold. We have finished sheetrock in there and insultation on the door but it's still very cold. This desperation has lead me to wonder...are there kitty hotels? Are they reasonable? Mama needs a break. When my son was little I remember thinking how wonderful it would be when he would be grown and I could sleep through the night. It never occurred to me that pets could cause this kind of problem.

IF you are thinking that the vet could give me something to sedate them forget it. I already asked him. He said no it would not be good for them. I hope you feel really guilty if I die of sleep deprivation, Dr. Scott. I hope someone mails you a copy of this entry and you at least send me flowers.

I love animals. Lucky for mine. I just keep thinking that the cat is already 9. Time for him to sleep through the night. Either that or we might have to heat the shed and set up his own place for him. Perhaps that has been his plan all along.

A Vote for a Blogging Friend

It takes a lot of courage when you have cancer to write about it a blog. For all of you who knew and loved Pam, who told us all of her battle with stage 4 lung cancer, you know what I mean.

As someone who survived cancer and then battled other forms of it later, and who will probably battle it again in the future, this is especially meaningful to me. You live in a world with medical terms and as you try to keep your loved ones and coworkers informed there are always struggles with how much information to share. Ronni, a newspaper writer who lives in Boston has done a wonderful job with her blog which is now nominated. If you would like to cast a vote for her blog, go to: http://www.medgadget.com/archives/2009/01/the_2008_medical_weblog_awards_finalists_1.html
she is listed in two categories there. If you would like to check out her blog as she prepares for her third bone marrow transplant please check it out and offer her whatever words you want to share with her: Running for My Life: Fighting cancer one step at a time . I promise you will come away with a great admiration for her. I certainly hope she wins but anyone who can write as she does is already a winner. Good luck Ronni!

Scrumptious Sunday

Yesterday we were told we would be getting at least three inches of snow. We had a light dusting early and then around dinner time we had another inch which has already melted. It's January and not one real snow storm yet. I especially love the snow when I will be staying at home in the warmth and not having to drive.

We had a nice casual weekend. I left work early Friday to have my skin surgeon examine my surgical site which was doing very well. The evening before I was at the new internist for a follow up visit for my blood pressure. I went in on two drugs and left with one more script. I wasn't too happy about that but I saw my grandfather have strokes and lose the essence of himself. I will do whatever is necessary to avoid that. After the surgeon's on Friday I was finally able to find a duvet for my comforter. The old one was a mess after what I suspect was the dog trying to follow the cat onto our bed while we were at work. I came home to feathers all over and even the comforter got a small tear. I was so thrilled to find that the one I wanted was reduced (and they had BATHING SUITS displayed!).
We stopped at a nice place for an early dinner.

All of my coworkers are game playing individuals and I learned through one of them that I wanted to play Guitar Hero. I actually observed him playing it and it looked like fun! I have now created a rock persona. My persona is close to six feet tall while I am only five foot two. She is a better guitar player than I. I am struggling to do this but I must persevere. Older people still have coordination and it is my job to prove this to the twenty somethings of the world...well in my workplace world. I have earned some money and am hoping to upgrade my guitar to the peace sign style soon. Sometimes we have to leave reality behind and just allow our imaginations to take over. Now it's time to warm up for my USA tour. Rock N Roll isn't as easy as I thought it would be.

Being the Older One

For many years I was the youngest person: at work, at a church group, at the local women's club. I had my son at twenty and was very active. Many of the ladies in my groups were mothers of several children and most at least in their thirties. Sometimes they referred to me as the "baby" of the group. It embarassed me at the time. I was so ignorant.

I work with a group of people mostly in their twenties. I am over forty and over the other number that starts with an F but is significantly old than forty. Is it a coincidence these are "f" words I ask. Some of these young girls have so much drama in their lives: bad break ups, some are single mothers. They think I am really cool but today they completely took me by surprise when one asked if I was a hippie. I wish I was a hippie but to be honest, I am even a little young for that. I was not yet in high school when Woodstock took place. I do remember a very liberal friend's parents allowing her to go (they named their daughter Violet and were all for self expression). My father told me if I did anything like that I should have a good time because it would be the last thing I did and he would shoot me when I arrived home. My father was from Alabama and sadly, I knew he was not joking. Several months later the movie came out. My then boyfriend Rusty and I went to see it at the theatre in Asbury Park, New Jersey (made famous by Springsteen). It didn't start until eleven p.m. and I called my parents to tell them I was going to be late. The conversation was brief and I was told that I would be grounded for a month. It only took me a few seconds to realize that it was well worth it. How I remember the joy of sitting in that theatre in my white tank top with small red peace signs and the words peace on it and watching that movie. Few things in my life have been so exciting. When I was first married and had my son I made all of his babyfood myself. I had a huge garden and baked my own bread. For three years I was a vegetarian. When severe anemia overtook me and a short time later I was diagnosed with Hodgkins disease, I began eating meat again. It sure beat shots and transfusions. As my son got older I think I became more conservative. I did attend the later Woodstock which took place in New York but it certainly was not the same. I only stayed one day. Being dirty and using port a potties is not my cup of tea. It did really strike me though when I realized none of them had every seen my first new car, a 1971 Plymouth Satellite Sebring. Being older, wiser and more experienced doesn't compare to being the youngest and fittest.
Still, I don't think I would want to go back and do that all again. I'm too tired.

The Weekend is Coming to an End

It has been a hectic but good weekend. I bolted out of bed early on Saturday and began to make lists of what needed doing. We were out of the house by nine and I got my blood test at the hospital, went to the post office to mail bills and buy stamps, picked up dry cleaning, found some fantastic deals at Hallmark for next year and bought groceries by noon. We came home and put the groceries away and began preparing lunch for my parents and grandmother. Rob made his wonderful onion au gratin soup and I made a sheppard's pie. Both turned out great and were enjoyed by our guests and us. My grandmother enjoys a home cooked meal. At 96 she often buys TV dinners now because it's too much work for her to cook and clean up. She is still baking and Friday night I made a trip over for one of her apple dumplings. After the company left Rob and I went over to see our neighbors we have socialized the most with. They were down, he just got laid off from his job and they have many concerns. We tried to cheer them up and I think we did. We came home and watched a movie and went to bed.

This morning Rob let me sleep in and I rose at the late hour of 8:30 a.m. !
I began pulling ornaments off the tree and we took the tree down and got it back into the attic, along with our garland which is so pretty. We do not have pull down steps and it is no small task to get this stuff back up there. Rob is on a regular ladder with me passing things up. I jumped in the shower and then we went to the 11:30 mass. (This is the first we have attended in months.) The priest from the parish I grew up in has just been reassigned to the church we go to when we lost the priest we were all so fond of. He was from Ireland and could tell tales, and jokes, and just entertain you. He made it such a pleasure. He also had psychology degrees and he was wonderful at helping his parishners. When he died he had his body shipped back to Ireland and put in his family grave. I hope someday to lay flowers on that grave. But I digress.....after mass we went to lunch. We came home and finished putting things away and I did some shelf organizing in my walk in closet. We went to my mother's for tea in the afternoon and to pay a final visit with my grandmother before she returns to Maryland tomorrow. Came home had some dinner and I am finally at 8 p.m. signing on to read email and blogs. That is unusual for me. It's been a full two days and I got a lot accomplished.

On Friday my husband waited all day for a Fed Ex package from the company who employed him until Dec. 31st. They have left New Jersey altogether. Although promised a stay on bonus and other things, he will be getting a small severance check. It is disappointing but honestly it makes the bitter pill better knowing that to the end, this company has no clue how to treat it's employees.
That is just so sad. It is my hope that in 2009 he will find himself with a much better company. He deserves so much better. He has been wonderful through this all. The company has no idea what they have lost. They offered to relocate him but again the offer was not good enough to accept. While we run from change, fear change, often change is for the good. I have a good feeling that his will be. Happy 2009!

New Years Eve and a quiet evening in

Today was Rob's last day on his job. The one he worked at since he first came to New Jersey nearly nine years ago. So sad that at the holidays your focus turns to this. The company who took over his former company ran this site into the ground. Today there was no HR person there to even give him papers. He will FED EXed this stuff on Friday when I am at work. I would have liked to be here for that. It is my hope and prayer that he will find a better job with a company who is better run and shows respect to their employees. For the time being we are fortunate that I could put Rob on my health benefits.

I am trying to think optomistically. I know that Rob and I have been through a lot together and we will get through this. I hope that 2009 will see our country in a much better place, not just for us but for all the people hurting.
Happy New Year!

I Need to be Reset

My body clock has reset itself. I am ready to sleep by nine p.m. and then ready to get up around 5. This is a problem for me. I work from 9 a.m. until 5:30 and I am petering out in the afternoon and tired in the morning. I used to sleep until 7 a.m. which was so much better. I can take something to sleep but that leaves me feeling hungover. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to set our body clocks to sleep when it was convenient for us?

I have agreed to work two hours extra on New Years Eve to cover for a coworker on another shift. He is closing on his house that day, at least he hopes to. It's a short sale and he is having a lot of issues recently learning there is a lean on the property for unpaid taxes. I warned him about short sales but he is an eager first time home buyer with a fiancee' who wants to be in their home before their wedding. Can we say stress? This guy is wound tighter than a top. Sometimes I am so glad to be older and have some emotional maturity. I know that there are so many more important things in life than a closing date. I know that if one deal falls through, there are others out there waiting to be found.

My husband has just two more days left at his job. He is looking forward to some time off. I am looking forward to coming home to some nice meals during the winter. He is going to take some time and go to visit family and friends in Rhode Island where he is from. Unfortuantely I cannot get the time off of work to join him, but that works because this way he can just go have a few beers with his friends there like the old days. I will stay home with the pets and perhaps catch up on a few visits with friends I haven't seen lately. I wish I could get more time off of work but in this economy I am just happy to have a job and a steady paycheck and most importantly, medical benefits.

SUNDAY THOUGHTS

Today is Sunday and that means tomorrow I return to work. This has been a holiday season in which I have struggled emotionally. Wednesday will be the last day of my husband's job. He worked there eight years and they still have not disclosed his severence. They have not treated him very well and it disturbs me.
He gave a lot, building himself up and they have offered to move him to the site near Boston but are not willing to give him enough money to make the move feasible. The medical benefits are not nearly as good as mine and I might not be able to find a job there. This company seems to be run very poorly and it's so unfortunate that the previous owner sold it to these people who ran it into the ground. It's hard to be worried about finances while trying to buy presents and enjoy the holiday spirit.

I am having some problems and not feeling well at all. My sleeping pattern is confused. I wake up at 4 a.m. ready for the day and when I could go back to sleep around 6 a.m. it is nearly time to get ready for work. I am constantly tired. Also having a few health issues my doctor is working on but she tells me they won't be resolved over night.

Two blogging friends have my concern. Connie has seemingly vanished. Calls to her home found her landline disconnected and the emails go unanswered. I certainly hope things are okay with her. My other blogging friend, Ronni, has had a relapse with her leukemia. She has had a long, difficult journey thus far and is back in the hospital. My thoughts are frequently with her and wanting the best for her.

I am going to run to the mall and see if I can find a few bargains when I try to exchange my shoes for a slightly larger size. Same brand but a different style that seems tighter. I am hoping and praying that 2009 will be a better year for us. I want to have the burdens of worry lifted. I want others to be free from worry. Maybe I am not being realistic. I want someone to hire my husband who knows how lucky they are to have him and to treat him with respect. I want to wake up just one day and feel rested. I do know that the world feels like a better place because our new President was elected despite all he had to overcome. I just pray he can fix the economy and turn things around.

Not All Christmases Are Created Equal

Not all Christmases are some that are so wonderful we will never forget them. I found myself feeling very emotional at times this year. Looking around at my grandmother and wondering who would be with us next year. That is not normally the kind of thought that I have on a holiday. My son developed a sore throat last night. He came over today to pick up his gifts and drop off gifts for us. (He continues to give me Vegetarian cookbooks which amuses me.) We got to spend an hour or more with him before he wanted to go home and crawl into his own bed. We went to my mother's and had a turkey dinner. There was a lot of activity with gift opening and consumption of way too much food. I felt disappointed this year with gifts I received from my sister-in-laws. Normally they give me things I love and htis year one gave me a leopard vest which was too small by a long shot and the other gave me a necklace that struck me as the type of chain Mr T might wear, should he wear costumer jewelery as opposed to real gold. It is silver color and just something I would NEVER wear being it is heavy and very long. This woman usually buys me something for my house or an ornament that I love. At this point in my life I have enough costume jewelery to open a consignment shop. I find I only wear my Brighton things and I have a large assortment to choose from. I simply hate returning things and without receipts you get so little for them because you get the lowest possible price it sold for and with sales and coupons, that's pretty low. Once again charity will benefit from these donations. I like making donations to charities but just once in awhile I would like to receive something and feel that the person showed they really knew me by their choice. My brave friend Melinda stopped all gift giving with family and friends. She said it was too much and a part of me applauds her for that. I love giving but I do put a lot of thought into what I give, or at least I try to. Time to crawl into bed and get ready for tomorrow, Friday. Then another weekend. Sweet.

Merry Christmas or Happy Chanuka

It is Christmas Even and I am exhausted. I never feel rested anymore. My doctor did blood work and called to tell me I had a high white count. We will discuss this further she said. Hmm. My thyroid was okay and I hoped that was the problem.

Today they allowed some people to leave work early, unpaid of course. Last year our company provided a holiday party in a restaurant with a bar and dancing. This year finger foods in our building and fruit punch. I didn't attend. Last year we got Christmas Eve off, paid. This year we had to use some of our precious time and request it months in advance or take it as unpaid once they determined we would not be needed today. I am happy to have a job but we are not well paid and the perks made our job seem a lot more desirable. My husband's job ends next week and he will join the long lines of people unemployed. He has some contacts and we are hoping this will only be for a short time.

There was a little controversy at work over helping a coworker. A single mother of three recently purchased a home. She announced to everyone there that she would not have money for gifts for her children. One coworker began a collection which I gave to. Shortly after some others became upset pointing out this woman had taken a lot of unpaid time off. There are many people hurting and they felt that just because she made everyone there aware of her situation, she should not be the recepient of help. If you had no money for gifts, why take unpaid time? I understand this logic and to a point I agree. Thing is, if someone's a child and their parents use questionable judgement should they be deprived? I can't make that decision and I felt the little bit I gave would cause me any form of deprivation. I actually gave twice as much for my bosses gift as the others to cover someone who never gave their portion. I would rather not hear the fuss made. I have always been the kind of person who hid my needs. When I got divorced and was going in the hole financially, I ate cereal for dinner. Didn't discuss this with others, feeling that was the path I had chosen. People have changed so much and it seems to me that a lot of younger people feel entitled to help. Even if they have created the situation for themselves they feel others should bail them out.

I am going to try to lay down and rest a bit. We go to my brother's later for a gift exchange and some wonderful food to eat. My brother's family has all the holidays with his wife's family and this is our one time of the year to be with them so it's very special. His kids were the youngest of the grandchildren and they are now in college. We are now having GREAT nieces and nephews joining the family. A fourth is on the way.

I want to wish you and yours a beautiful time with those who mean the most of you. Most of all, I wish you peace.

It's Almost Friday

Nothing makes me happy like knowing my work week is coming to an end. I have been struggling trying to take some new medicines and work full time, at a sometimes stressful job. On Wednesday I had what seemed to be an asthma attack but the inhaler brought no relief. I was at the doctor's tonight who tells me that I have fluid in my lungs and legs from my heart not pumping as it should. This means lasix which I sometimes take needs to be taken daily. It also indicates that my heart is not functioning as well as it should be. As usual, I am taking this news in stride. Not going to allow fear or disappointment to rob me of the holiday spirit. Sometimes it's easier than others to apply that decision.
We are expecting several inches of snowfall tonight. I am committed to getting into work tomorrow. Looking forward to the weekend and the one or two things I still need to purchase. I also need to get some cookies baked. It looks like my sister will be spending at least one night here. My mother is getting too many guests at once and there will be an overflow. On Christmas Eve we go to my middle brother's house for a gift exchange and a lovely feast but not a formal meal. Christmas Day we go to my mother's (unless it's a year where I offer my home which happened a lot more before I went back to work). We all help out with a turkey dinner and more gift opening. Then anyone over fifty finds a spot for a nap while the younger ones scramble for something to occupy themselves with. It is different now that my son and nieces spend part of the day with their fathers. I love that my son gets the exact same gift for his father and my husband. He has his quirks but sometimes I am so very proud of him. Let me tell you what I am most proud of. One Christmas (a few years after his treatment stopped for leukemia) he announced that he wanted to take several bags of sandwiches to where he knew a lot of homeless people were. I made the sandwiches and he proudly put on his new down coat I had given him. He was gone a couple hours when he came home shivering. I asked where his coat was. He looked at me with concern and said he hoped I would not be angry but there was a homeless man with no coat who had been shaking and he gave it to him. I told him I was very proud of him and the following week I replaced the coat. He is very kind and generous. These are the things I hoped for in my child. He can be trying at times when he feels I am not taking good enough care of myself. He lectures me on my diet (he's a vegan) and the fact that I am overweight. He has brought me numerous books on diet, including one about your blood type and diet. I know he means well so I have to supress the comments about being nagged. As with my parents, I think there comes a time where the child tries to be the caregiver. The circle of life.

Snow and Slippery Roads

Today we had a beautiful snowfall. It was so warm here yesterday that most of it melted as it hit the ground. By now the ground is frozen and icey. I made it home from work just as the roads were getting slippery. What a wonderful thing to come into a warm house, with the glow of the Christmas tree lights and be greeting by my beloved dog and the pesky cat. LOL The cat adores me despite the fact that he knows I am a dog person. So I tolerate him. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Today I was afraid there might be an incident at work. One coworker wanted to argue about the Bible with another coworker who is of a different faith. I tried to tell them both I do not think religion is a work topic. Oh the wars and friendships ended in the name of religion. Why cannot people just let others believe as they wish? What made this especially ridiculous was the one coworker who wanted to quote scripture chooses to violate some of the ten commandments he so likes to quote to others. Sheesh. I wanted to grab them both and force them to sing "We Are the World". I took great pains to decorate our team with both red and green and silver and blue decorations. There are stars and candles.

It made me sad to hear the news tonight. Toys for Tots got so many less toys this year. Kaylee Anthony's body was found, or possibly found. Now the grandparents are asking for immunity. The value of homes in the entire country fell so drastically. We are in the worst recession since the depression. No good news to be heard tonight.

As I sit here in my warm home, with a full belly, safe from the elements outside I feel I have much to be grateful for. Right now my health is stable and I am grateful for that. This is a magical time of year. People all seem a bit happier.
I just want to feel carefree and happy for a few days of the year. Perhaps that means ignoring the news for a few days. Is ignorance truly bliss?

Good night to all.......peace be with you.

On The Road to Healing

I had my minor surgery yesterday and am happy to report that the surgeon believes she got all the skin cancer. There is a 90% cure rate and I accept that with joy. I am sore. It was rather wide and she didn't stitch it, because in order to do so she would have had to go much deeper. We discussed the pros and cons and went with letting it heal unstitched. It currenly has some gel foam in it until tomorrow. For the next month I must be careful to avoid any infection as it heals. No problem because I am always germ conscious. MOHs surgery is a great thing. They remove layer by layer to make sure they have everything that can be seen under a microscope. Once they have a clean layer they are done. While tedious it provides a much better cure rate. There were many people having them removed from their noses, ears and faces. People wear sunblock!

In my case, mine are caused by the radiation I had so many years ago. This one was on my back and the previous one was on my chest. I have to keep an eye out for them. I go back for three weeks to be checked. I am relieved it is over with.

Now I can get my focus back on my blood pressure and other health concerns.

I was able to go to work today, despite soreness and a rather restless night. Tomorrow is Friday and then another weekend to rest up.

During this season I am disappointed in the ads on television. With so many people out of work, losing jobs and dealing with the financial loses brought on by the stock market fiasco, how can companies be implying we should be receiving cars and diamond jewelery? EXPENSIVE cars that few can afford in good times no less. Would someone be sitting around watching television and suddenly say "Oh yes, I will buy my spouse a car instead of a new sweater!"

The materialism has gone over the edge in my opinion. Wake up advertisers and understand we are in a recession and the only people who can afford these things are the top executives of the companies whose greed landed their end.

I am concerned about some of the young single moms I work with having gifts for their children. These kids are hoping for game boxes and ipods instead of dolls and building blocks. Sometimes I am relieved I am not a young mother in this materialistic society. My grown son will get some books and clothes and other such items. No matter what I give him, he will tell me I shouldn't have spent so much on him. I want the gift of people's time and friendship. A gift of a song I can put on my IPOD to make me think of a loved one is the kind of gift that makes me happy. What are you wishing for?

Music Lifts Me

Today I got up feeling a bit better. I think it is the antibiotics. I have stopped coughing for the most part and my chest has stopped hurting.
I woke up today and put on music. I simply cannot say enough about how music lifts my spirits. There are certain fun songs like Little Red Corvette that just take me to another place in time. So many songs evoke memories and some are just fun to sing along with. When I was younger and thought the world would be my oyster I wanted to be a musical therapist. I did go to college for psychology and completed three years when my son fell ill and I stopped. Afterwards I just didn't have it in me to return and later I wasn't in a financial position to do it and needed full time income. I always thought it would be great to help cancer patients discover the ways music could help them. When my sister-in-law Jennifer was in the hospital they brought in a harpist for her. For some reason I am blocking the name of the hospital but it was affiliated with the Leahy clinic. Although she lived in Rhode Island there was not a surgeon there who would operate on her. She lost so many months finding a surgeon who would remove three tumors which every doctor told her were benign. The nerve over her voicebox was cancerous. It's so easy to get off on tangents........
Today I want to focus on the good things like music and like my wonderful husband (not my favorite word) I actually prefer life partner or significant other. He has been through the mill with me. He never complains. I think I'll keep him.
If you haven't seen the movie P.S. I Love You I saw it for the first time on Saturday night and have rewatched it twice since then. I also loved the movie Once and if you liked that one I suspect you will like this as well.
Irish guys truly are the best...at least the most fun. I just love the character of Jerry. I once had a therapist tell me it's not how you feel about the person it's how they make YOU feel. We all deserve to have someone who makes us feel loved.

Meeting a New Doctor

The last internist I had been using went to another practice in an area an hour and a half south of here. I have been trying out new doctors trying to find one who can/will address all of my issues. I think I may have found her today, although she might be a tad younger than what I had hoped for. She was very kind although some might have thought a bit of an alarmist. I allowed my husband to be in the room and a part of me thinks maybe it was a bit much for him. I am so used to negative reports and such. My blood pressure was high, very high and she took it several times, each time with the same look on her face. I had been put on medicine which made me feel so dopey I could not function. I had told my cardiologist I was stopping it. He agreed that I should not have to go through life feeling so medicated I could not function on a daily basis. This doctor also said I have not addressed my blood test which says I am slightly over the line, meaning that I am diabetic. Sorry, still in denial about that one. She started asking me questions as though I wasn't grasping the possible consequences of taking care of these things. I had to tell her that for thirty years I have dealt with cancer and all the complications of it. In two more days I will be having another surgery to remove a skin cancer caused by the radiation. I took my scripts, had them filled like a good patient and agreed to try a time released capsule for the blood pressure, with a lesser dosage. I am also going to resume the lasix. Ever since my heart surgery I have a terrible predisposition to retaining fluid. My legs get as hard as rocks and sometimes my feet go numb. There are people who might freak out over things like this but hey, I have learned to roll with the punches. I am not saying I won't take care of these issues but I won't panic either. I go back in about a week for a follow up.
Perhaps this new doctor will help me to feel better and still get the meds I need.
I have to work. It's not an option. I also have to be conscious at work and capable of making judgment calls. I cannot do this if on medicine that makes me groggy. Fortunately I am going to be able to take tomorrow off as well.
Hoping by Thursday I will be able to return to work feeling much better and with my blood pressure under control.
I got in a few extra hours of sleep today. We got the tree decorated and my husband got the lit garland around our front door. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. I hope I have one or two more good days so there will be presents under the tree for my Leprechaun. I know it's hard on him with all that I have been through but he tries so hard to take good care of me, sometimes with me giving him a hard time. I was on my own for so long, sometimes it's hard to accept the help.

Snow Covered Sunday

I am still sick but now most of the problem has moved into my chest. Argghhh.
Last night as I tried to sleep I was gripped by coughing spasms. I finally got up and watched a movie I had DVRed earlier and you simply must see it! P.S. I Love You. Wow. I am so impressed at what the husband had planned for her it is a true story of love and I am all about that. Today I finally washed my hair. I have taken baths but my hair needed a good shampooing desperately. It feels so much better.
Yesterday ended up being a real trial in many ways. My poor Rob has been working very hard for his company who are closing their doors in New Jersey soon. They hired a company to come take down very high warehouse shelving and he has had to help load this stuff onto trucks. He was not hired to do this kind of work and with two steel rods in his back he is hurting. He was promised a severance package and glowing recommendations so he is trying hard to go with the flow. Apparently Friday one of the men from this other company injured himself and could not work. That meant only one guy was there and Rob had to be there in case anything happened to him. Eight hours of Saturday. He does get paid overtime but I would have loved to have him home with me and frankly he needed the break. Today he is back there again. Yesterday I was in desperate need of some items from the market as well as pet food. My son called and asked me to help him get his Dad a mouse for his laptop for his birthday tomorrow. I told my son I was sick but if he drove I would assist him. An hour later my son calls back and he has been delayed. It will be several more hours before he gets here. I throw on my coat and run the errands, including picking up the mouse. I was so overwhelmed at the market, Mary Higgins Clark was there doing a book signing, and grabbed only what I needed. I rush home
leaving the heavy stuff in my car and put the other items away. I am beat. My son calls again telling me it will be another hour. Now I am getting angry. I tell him so. Shortly later he arrives and brings in the heavy items. I show him the mouse, he reimburses me and I wrap it for him. He is a vegan and each visit he likes to lecture me on my eating habits. I was just not in the mood yesterday. He had a pizza, took a shower that was over half an hour and left. Several minutes later I see the wrapped mouse on my kitchen table. When I am feeling well I usually check to see he leaves with everything he is supposed to but I was too tired yesterday and I wanted to kick myself. Rob came home with a pizza for supper at which time the phone rang and my darling son began to lecture me for eating pizza with all the sodium in it. I told him I was not in the mood to hear it and that I really went out yesterday to help him and in the end the gift was here. Here is about twenty-five miles from there.
His Dad's gift will no doubt be late. His Dad never shows any real enthusiasm for gifts so I shouldn't let it bother me. Perhaps because I had previously called my mother and told her I needed pet food etc. and she told me that I should have my husband pick that up because she was on her way to her favorite flea market and had no time, I was feeling very put out yesterday. Sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like to have a nurturing mother. When I called my mother my Dad answered the phone. He is failing terribly and in a weak voice when he heard I was till sick he softly said "I will pray for you." That was the bright spot of my day.
I think I will make a nice pot of tea and rewatch P.S. I Love You again. It gives me a lot of ideas.

My Nose Runneth Over

I am sick. Thank you coworker. :::insert sarcastic smirk:::
Yesterday, Thursday, I hung in there until my scheduled time. I actually half jokingly asked a coworker Tim to roll me in my chair to my car. He laughed and said while we were friends, we weren't that good of friends. Ouch Tim. My other coworker was kind enough to call and see if I made it home. He called again today.
I am a human mucus producing machine. Unless it's the alternative time where my head is completely stopped up and I cannot breathe at all. It seems to be cyclical. I had to call out today. I haven't even gotten dressed and I rarely do that. I fell asleep but had crazy dreams and woke up feeling very confused. I hate when that happens. Why you may be asking yourself, don't I take a decongestant? The heart that I have reacts to certain medicines with tachycardia. This is so unpleasant. Then my neurotic self must decide if I can take something for that symptom while on a decongestant. I hate mixing medicines. If this seems silly you were not there to witness the Nyquil fiasco before I had my heart surgery. I was passing out every fifteen minutes or so. There was nothing they could do but let it work itself out of my system. Needless to say Nyquil is on my list of never take drugs.
I am longing for some very good chicken soup and matzoh balls that a nearby kosher deli has. My husband is working late tonight so it will probably wait until tomorrow. I find chicken soup works wonders for me.
My bathtub should be filled by now. Here I come Loveshack bath oil from the Gap. Time for a little pampering.

Can I get a Christmas Break? lol

Yesterday the force of our team at work insisted we get some Christmas decorations going. Many of the women I work with are single Moms who live on a tight budget. While I don't have a lot of extra money, I can afford to do some things they cannot. So yesterday I went by a dollar store and bought a lot of nice decorations. It came to about forty dollars. I walked in this morning and gave each lady her ornament for her cube and they put up the garlands and wreaths.
There is a team that sits next to us and immediately they asked if I had bought things for them as well. I am used to this and I replied that I did buy them their own wreath and gave it to them to hang. There was a lot of complaining amongst them and one asked the other why SHE didn't buy the decorations for their team. The woman responded that she didn't have the money. The other woman looked at me and said I must be CRAZY to do something like that. I hesitated before speaking when the lady she was in a conversation with said
NELLE IS NOT CRAZY. SHE IS A NICE AND GENEROUS LADY!
For two days I have been fighting a cold that a coworker came in with. The guy was SHAKING on Monday from a fever, put his head on his desk and slept much of the day. Luckily for him, he was having computer issues and couldn't really get into the system needed. We don't get much time off. About fifteen days a year for everything; illness and vacation and personal emergencies. Each year mine are used up for medical reasons and then I end up not getting paid for other days I need. I hate that people come to work sick, but I understand the financial burden of staying home.
Despite that fact that my husband's job is ending late December and that I am having my surgery Dec. 10th I am in Christmas spirits. Each year I feel so grateful and fortunate to be alive for another Christmas. I am going to run down now and watch the lighting of the tree in Rockefeller Center. I so wish I could be there tonight. Maybe sometime this season I can get there to see if.
Stay warm and don't let anyone steal your holiday joy. :)

Day 4 of the Mini vacation

Today is day 4 and it has gone by much too fast. It is raining today and dreary. It makes me sleepy. I got up at 7 this morning, mainly to check on the cat. The cat has pardon me for saying this word: diarrhea. I called the vet to see if he needed to be brought in. I was told that I should just give him boiled rice and cooked chicken or beef only. If he's not better in three days to bring him in. At least I know the vet isn't one to see a patient needlessly for the money. I am a bit concerned for the cat. If he's not better by Tuesday then I think he will be paying Dr. Scot a visit.

I have seen a lot of my parents this weekend. My father was so cranky on Friday night. We kind of snuck into the apartment (their home is a mother-daughter currently without either of their mothers in residence.) He realized and joined us. It's hard to be patient with him at times. He has hearing aids which he doesn't always want to wear but he wants to hear everything that's going on. He wants to interrogate us like when we were teens. My sister brought my mother's artifical tree up and decorated it. We laughed so hard because she has every decoration anyone has ever given her. She is 76. She could easily decorate five large trees with all the ornaments. She has downsized to a thin tree so there are more left over than ever. Some are really in bad shape. My mother kept pulling things out from the basement; wreathes, towels, etc. . She changes so many things it will take her days and days to do it all. So far I have replaced my kitchen centerpiece of a wooden bowl with mini pumpkins and the sunflower placemats over to a paperwhites with red berries centerpiece and NOEL placemats. I am not exactly a bundle of energy these days. I have enjoyed having some time to balance my checkbook, make and execute a grocery list and clean out the refrigerator. You can see I am a ball of fire. I took a long, hot shower this morning and enjoyed that I could lounge afterwards.
Tomorrow I will be back to the hectic grind. I will have to work a full forty hour week. I'm sure we will have lots of stories to tell each other about the holiday.
Time to go full speed ahead for the one yet to come. I'm dreaming of things that money cannot buy. Peace on Earth, goodwill toward our fellow men and women. Equality for all. Let it be.

Black Friday non participant

Today while others are busily grabbing bargains and bumping shoulders with strangers, I am at home. Relaxing. Yesterday I was up at 5:30 a.m. in order to bake pies and make my pecan topped sweet potato dish which is so yummy. I never got a few minutes in for a nap and by the time we had helped my mother get her dinner on the table I was pooped. I had taken the twenty pound turkey over with the stuffing earlier. I begged my mother not to alter the stuffing from the bag recipe as I hate celery. I have post traumatic celery stress disorder which results from a night of illness as a child. My grandfather who was with me that night told me it took him months before he could eat celery again. If dressing has celery in it I won't eat it. Mom agreed but my sister was there and against Mom's request, added it anyway. To the stuffing I bought. I mashed the potatoes and allowed my sister to make the gravy. She never drained off any of the fat and I realize that I should have made the gravy. My mother is still recovering from a bad cold/flu like illness and now my Dad has it. Since he has already been hospitalized six times this year and had pneumoia at least four of them, I am concerned. Mom had put out china and I insisted that we change to the other dishes which could go in the dishwasher. After our dinner Mom cleared the table then napped on a sofa while Dad napped in his recliner in another room. My sister and I put all the leftovers into containers. I had carved the turkey and half of it was left. After that we had about an hour to chat while my husband ran home and took care of the pets. It was a rare opportunity for us to visit alone and in person. We had pie and coffee and were home by 6:30. I kind of collapsed into a chair. Earlier in the day while searching for a recipe I could not find in time to use, I decided my organization of recipes was sorely lacking. I took out all the loose recipes and organized them into folders or into the recipe album which holds cards and is one of my favorite gifts I have every received. Now when I want a recipe I know where to look. I also found some I had forgotten about which I plan to make soon. Short ribs in the crock pot. Great for winter.

Yesterday got me thinking. Not sure how many more Thanksgivings or holidays I will have with my parents. They are getting older and really failing. Dad is not permitted to drive anymore since he had three seizures that day in June. He still sees an oncologist but they are using a wait and see attitude about the cancer they found around Easter. I honestly do not think he could tolerate chemo at all. When his father was diagnosed with lung cancer my Dad opted not to tell him. He knew his father could not tolerate the treatments and his cancer was already stage 4. One day while alone with "Pops" as I called him, he told me that he knew he had lung cancer but because my Dad couldn't handle discussing it with him, he would pretend not to know. He told me not to say anything in response because he didn't want my father upset with me.

I took today off from work. I was supposed to work today but I am exhausted and have been. I put my name in a pool and was one of eight names drawn to take the day off without pay. I have the upcoming surgery and I want to be in decent condition for the healing process. So, for the first time since I don't know when, I will have 4 consecutive days off of work. It's like a mini vacation for me. I plan to do things that will help me relax. I have my holiday cards all ready written and stamped. Some will get mailed this weekend and others next week. I have most of the gifts purchased. I want to have this all done before December 10th. I do not want to be in the mall where seas of germs are when my back will be healing. I try to avoid them at holiday time anyway. My plan is to stay relatively healthy this winter. You know about the best laid plans...........guess who's coming to town soon???

Tuesday Was Terrifying

Yesterday, Tuesday, was a day from a horror movie. Seriously. It all began when I jumped out of bed about 5:30 a.m. to run downstairs and start making my candied yams for work. We were having a Thanksgiving buffet. These can be quite frustrating as many people claim they cannot cook. They furnish things like potato chips or Doritos (sorry but how is this part of a Thanksgiving buffet)? You always have those who forgot and seem to eat four plates per person. But I digress....as my knee was pounding down each step I became aware that the tendonitis is back in full swing. I get into the kitchen and began to put together all the items I will need while the cat lets out noises that sound like he needs to be spared from death. Sorry, but he had to wait until I got this dish together. I was so proud of how nicely it came out. Epicurious always has the best recipes. I got ready for work, putting on a pretty brand new purple sweater. I had on black UGGS with black pants. I carefully placed the large hot dish on some trivets and towels on the floor behind the drivers seat. Kind of held it in place with some umbrellas. I pull about two miles up the road when some unobservant man blows throw a stop sign, never even slowed , and I had to swerve into the other lane (which was thankfully empty) to avoid him. I began to breath again normally after about ten minutes and drove to work. When I arrived I carefully picked up the towel, trivets and dish and made my way through the revolving door while managing to swipe my ID. Oh I was feeling like I pulled this off so well. (Remember pride goeth before a fall). Rode up the elevator and as I began to walk into the large area where our desks are I realized my pants were wet. Looking down I can see that my raincoat is covered with what looks like orange juice. YIKES. I suddenly realize that the sudden stop made the juice leak down and it was now on one of my UGGS. When purchasing them the salesman said not to worry about getting anything but grease on them. I began to wonder, would melted butter be considered grease? I think so. Now as I am walking in and starting to complain this guy makes some very insensitve comment. I put the dish down and run to the ladies room. I am able to throw my raincoat into the sink and sort of wipe off all the stuff. My pants are soaked. I pull of the shoe and began to gently pat it. In desperation I use a dampened paper towel to swat at it. I return to my desk and this guy is carrying on about what I am I so upset about? I try to ignore him but throughout the day he feels free to go on and on. I feel like a child who has a sibling taunting them and at some point I advise him he really needs to stop. By now I have had two very irate customers I have dealt with. One had me on the phone for over an hour. He wants lines added to his account, then because he doesn't like the numbers, he wants them removed. I am starting to wonder if I am going to get through the day. Somehow I manage to and now I have the dish washed out (I have tossed the towel and trivet in the garbage). I am heading home telling myself that I need to check the back of the car mat. I vow to never cook for work again. I don't know when I have had a more frustrating day. I get home and run upstairs tossing my pants in the washing machine. At least they don't need dry cleaning like the raincoat (which by the way is $18!). I run downstairs have a salad and run back up to toss them in the dryer. What do I see at the bottom of my washing machine but my cell phone! The Razor aka most expensive phone I have ever had. Needless to say it doesn't work anymore. I decide to dry it out with the blow dryer and let it sit overnight with the battery and SIM card outside of it. This morning for my Thanksgiving miracle, it DOES work! I then remember my car and run out to check the mat. What a syrupy mess is on the carpeted mat and on part of the seat. Thank goodness I purchased good upholstery spray from the dealer and it cleans it right up. I also notice that there is blue paint from some other vehicle on my drivers side mirror. Later today my brother was able to buff that off for me. So all in all, with the mirror being fixable and the cell phone still working it turned out okay.
Today when I walked into work the guy who had bugged me yesterday said he was going to leave me alone today. I looked at him and said "Wise choice." I would really hate to have to get a coworker in a headlock so close to Thanksgiving. :) My zen returned. I usually get along so well with this guy too...guess something bad happened to him too but he just doesn't want to talk about it.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Sumptious Sunday

Sunday is by far my favorite day of the week. I can sleep in (in theory only of course because my body gets used to being up by 7 a.m. everyday) and the day is mine. I try to let the better half sleep in. Lately he has been working Saturdays. His company's New Jersey site will be closing end of December. I figure he will get to really rest up then. We have put him on my health insurance for the coming year and I am certain sometime during this year he will find another job. The economy is so bad but there are several companies in our area which do the same thing this one did. It's just sad that so many people who worked there lost their jobs. One friend in particular who suffers from bouts of depression was there nearly twenty years. He felt he was secure. In this world at this time I am starting to wonder if there is any job security anywhere. The world has changed and for us middle aged people who grew up with pensions it's a harsh change.

It is cold this morning. The cat cried and cried to go out and was back at the door within five minutes looking at me as if to say "You sent me out in that?"

The dog with his rich fur coat loves the cold weather. He is in his glory in the snow. I hope to post a short video this winter since we have the FLIP. If you do not have anyway to take and display a video online you simply must get a FLIP. Put it on your Christmas wish list. For less than a hundred dollars, it takes amazing video. I love technology. Several of my coworkers have splurged for I phones or something similar. I just love them but too much pressure for me to spend so much on a phone and then worry if something happens to it. I still have my Razor from two years ago. Not a good phone for texting which I do a lot. On the other hand I have my IPod and don't need a phone that stores music.

I did treat myself to three new sweaters for work yesterday. Of course when you work you can rationalize buying clothes. Like the shoes and winter boots I bought last month. My weight is up again and much of what I have no longer fits me. Problem is I sit most of the day and when I get home I am too tired to excercise. I am an office chair potato (the working version of the couch potato).

We are doing a secret santa at work. This is a great time of year to be working. Mostly because nothing makes me happier than a paid holiday!

Once again this time of year I keep taking check of what I am thankful for and I am thankful for the friends I have met online. Some I am in touch with daily.

Yesterday was my sixth anniversary (we have two, yesterday was our religious ceremony or "church" anniversary) with Rob, the most wonderful husband one could hope for. Not perfect, just like me, but always there for me in every way.

I got a free turkey yesterday for spending $300 at my favorite grocery store.

Almost Friday

Today was the easiest day at work. I was on a project for several hours and then we had our team meeting and then I left an hour and a half early. The best part of working is time off. My mother had a crisis, or thought she did, and I went over to help her with her AOL software. When I arrived it was miraculously working. I still made it home a bit earlier today and managed to get some laundry done and run some much needed computer scans.

There is a craft show on Saturday a few hours from here. Would love to go but my chaffeur aka significant other will be working. While I am adventurous I hate driving to unknown places so not sure I will make the trip unless I get someone to come along. Our friend Tim makes beautiful jewelery. I wore earrings he had made to work today and received compliments on them. My husband's group of work friends will be disbanded soon. Imagine working in the same place for almost twenty years and then suddenly you lose your job, your friends and your bread and butter. Times are so hard right now. I work with a single mother of three and all she does is complain about how we are underpaid and wants a raise. We received a two dollar an hour raise about six months ago and I was thrilled. I told her today in this economy she should be so happy to have a job. She gets her medical free for herself and her children. Most of us pay for our insurance. She is living at her mother's and doesn't have a mortgage or utilites either. I guess some people have no idea how good they have it.

I am always feeling extra grateful around Thanksgiving. I have so very much to be thankful for. My wonderful husband, I still have my beloved grandmother at 96, my son, my animals, my friends, my faith the list goes on and on. I am so very grateful that I am still here on this planet. At times it has not been easy but I am still here and going strong. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!
I know not everyone shares my religious beliefs, I respect that, but in my heart not a day goes by that I don't look up and say "Thank you" because my strength often comes from above.
What are you most thankful for?

A Quick Note

Yesterday I left work a bit early to go get my blood test. I take blood thinners and am required to get them at least once a month, sometimes twice a month as I have been lately. I battled the traffic and got to the hospital rejoiced to see there was only one person ahead of me at the lab.
I had called my doctor on the earlier and he had called in a script for me at the pharmacy. I was so happy as I left the hospital thinking I would get home early. I pulled into the long line at Walgreen's and sat for twenty minutes before reaching the window. The young man told me there was no script called in for me. I told him that I had a voicemail confirmation from the office and he suggested I pull off to the side and call them again. I did and a very annoyed office nurse told me the script had been called in five hours earlier. She had noted on the chart the time and asked that I give my cell phone to the pharmacist. I went inside the store and walked to the back. They refused to take my cell saying it could be anyone on the phone. They needed the nurse to call them again. She did and then she called me back on my cell after speaking with them. She said this was a different pharmacist than who had taken the call earlier but they changed shifts at 3p.m. Of course this meant waiting for the script to be filled and about another twenty minutes later I was on my way home again. By now I was frustrated, tired after work and hungry. I was thinking about the high cost of even getting generic drugs when I realized the light was about to change. It was one of those moments where it might be more dangerous to hit your brakes than go and I went. A few minutes later I saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror. Stopped by a very nice police officer. He asked me for my documents and I produced them. He then asked about my driving record and I told him it was perfect. I also volunteered about my frustrating experience at Walgreens and told him that I am usually a cautious driver. When he had obtained my information he cautioned me but let me go after admonishing me to drive safely. I was relieved and very surprised. I guess if you have a perfect record they know you are safe most of the time at least.
Tonight my husband went to a mediator with my neighbor. She got rid of the rooster which was waking us at daybreak since August about a week ago. She did that when he signed the complaint. He explained that I need my rest. So all in all the past two days have been okay. Now it's time for some much needed sleep. Tomorrow is hump day. The weeks go by so quickly. I wish I had more energy to do things after work and enjoy them. This morning we did have our first snow flurries and they were lovely. It is COLD out there! Stay warm....oh and drive safely. :)

Rainy Weekend

It was supposed to rain the entire weekend. We got a small reprieve this afternoon and my chaffeur drove me to Target. Or as the French call it TarJay.
Found just the accent pillows I had been looking for to make our new sofa a bit cozier. I had purchased others that weren't right and when I got home was happy to see they were a great fit color wise.

I have been having some issues I have been struggling with regarding health insurance. Of course each year my employer has made some small changes. One I hadn't realized was that we have a five hundred dollar IN network deductible that is applied to either hospitalization, diagnostic testing or outpatient surgery. The rub of that is that I will be paying that in December and then in January it starts again for the new year. I have considered delaying my surgery for a month. Family members at first said nothing then several days later they all went into hyper mode saying it was not a good idea. I have agreed to have the surgery December 10th and just not agonize over the deductible and coinsurance which won't count towards next years. My husband will also be going on my insurance for the first time so those changes had to be made. If he finds another job, which I'm sure he will, I will have to keep him on my insurance all year. Actually, that might be a good thing because this plan is better than what he has had. So much hinges on insurance and it is my deepest hope that President elect Obama will fulfill his promise and do something about this. My portion I pay is high and many of the single mothers I work with cannot afford it and have their children on state insurance. I tried to comfort myself yesterday by rejoicing over the drop in gas prices. I filled my tank for under $30 for the first time in so very long. My parents have offered to help me with the expense of this surgery. That is a big change for them.

I plan to go enjoy a cup of tea and open a magazine and do something I rarely do but need to be doing a whole lot more : RELAX. I hope you have a relaxing weekend too.

Sorting Feelings

I've been on a downer lately. Partly because of the family structure of my spouse and myself. In my family it has always been that the sons were the recipients of money in one form or another. In my husband's it's been the daughters. Last year my mother-in-law lost her one daughter, who I believe was her favorite. Her other daughter quickly moved to a southern state, partially because she felt her mother was withholding to her. Since that has happened her mother is now showering her with boxes for herself and her two sons. At the same time, her mother has stopped giving us even an anniversary card. The other night her daughter called going on and on about the box she had received. I wish I were something enough (mature, although I am mature, not sure what word would suit this) to just let this go but I am human and it bothers me. Although I am the only one in my family who ever had cancer, or a heart problem (which I inherited from my father) I have never received any assistance of any kind from my parents. I have never asked for any. I pride myself on being independent. I have worked hard, even when physically drained, to take care of my own needs. I am proud of that. Still, I am a human, with an inner child, who gets hurt that so much is done for others while I sit on the sidelines, sometimes with needs of my own that are not addressed.
I discovered that if I had a surgery in December my insurance copay was going to be very high as I would have to meet a surgical deductible I was unaware of. Come January it would start over so I decided to postpone my surgery until January. No one seemed concerned until after I cancelled and my mother then called and said she would have helped me. I didn't want her help but why wait until after I cancelled to do that?
With all these things going on...as they have for years....I feel uncared about.
The adult is struggling hard to meet the needs of the inner child.
The husband is not understanding me on this as he accepts that his mother is this way. The fact that she hurts me doesn't seem to bother him and that hurts me. Perhaps this is too personal of an entry and some things are better left unsaid. I feel the need TO say them though. I feel very alone and at times scared.

My father always said the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy.

Scrapbook Wishes

I have seen some of the beautiful new blogs where people use scrapbook looking papers and put pictures in flowers and I have envy. There is a person who will custom make one for you. Sorry I don't have that kind of money to splurge on myself with Christmas coming especially but they are lovely.

My husband is working again this Saturday as he did last Saturday and it's raining again. Made a quick trip to the Hallmark Open House this morning and bought some nice Christmas ornaments I will be giving as gifts. I have a bed to make, a kitchen to clean and then I will allow myself the luxury of laying on my new sofa and enjoying the flat screen tv. Oh yes, even the small luxuries remind me that life is good.

WE HAVE A DREAM

WE HAVE A DREAM
Americans have a dream. As we struggle with our concerns for our finances right now and our life investments which seem to be slipping away, we have united and elected a President, who I hope and pray and believe ,will lead us slowly back. Pray for him. I only wish that all those who fought so hard for Dr. King's dream to come true could have seen this day. Dr. King your dream, to a large degree at least, came true last night. I am so proud to be an American today. I am also proud of the dignity shown by John McCain. Although I did not feel he was the right person to lead our country, I do feel we should honor him as a war hero who served our country with such bravery. He showed real class last night. I respect him more now than ever before.

Thank You Uncle Dick

Today was a very emotional day for me. It made me think many times of my beloved Uncle Dick who died very young.......
Many years ago my Uncle Dick took myself (who he called Nelson) and my cousin Sharon (who he called Sherman) to a Highs Ice Cream store. It was in a place in Maryland not far outside of Washington, D.C. Uncle Dick lived down by the Chesapeake Bay a good two hours away and when he came to visit we were given all kinds of wonderful treats. A few years later he moved to Florida and when he rolled into town then with his wife, we felt as though Mr. and Mrs. Claus had arrived. Many of my happiest childhood memories involve them. This one very hot day as we were picking out our ice cream flavors a young black mother and her little girl came in. To be honest, I cannot remember what they were doing in the store but the little girl asked her Mommy for an ice cream cone. The mommy leaned down and took her baby girl's hand and whispered something about not having money for one. My Uncle Dick (God love him) walked over with his big smile that would melt anyone's heart and said "Madam would you allow me to buy your little girl an ice cream cone because she is wearing the prettiest dress I ever saw." The lady's eyes said it all and she quietly thanked him and said that would be fine. My cousin and I got our cones and climbed into the beautiful convertible for the ride home. Uncle Dick told us on that ride never to judge people by their skin, their clothes or their ability to pay for things. He told us what a lovely woman the mother was and how sweet she was for thanking him. That day I learned a valuable lesson. I only wish every child could learn the same lesson. It is a lesson I have never forgotten and I taught my child. People are the same and like books, what's important is what's on the inside. (Uncle Dick worked for Johns Hopkins and was in an experimental lab when a dish containing brusolosis was dropped and broken. He cleaned up the mess and became infected with the disease that slowly destroyed his heart and ended his life in his early fifties. He never regretted infecting himself because others were spared by his heroic deed.)

Today as I had the opportunity to go into the booth and vote for an African American president my eyes swelled with tears. I was so proud of our country and how far we have come from the days of the segregation. We are still on the journey for equality but all I could think about would be how happy my uncle would have been to have seen this day. How happy he would have been to know that the enlightenment he shared with two young girls would be passed on to their children and grandchildren. Although his only child died in infancy, he touched the life of another child and that's something to be proud of.

GO VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thinking about God..........

My groom with his youngest sister, Jen and her daughter, Cassie. There is a bagpiper in the bar as well..and friends.

Today was Sunday and I so rarely go to church anymore. My faith is the same as it was but I just find I have so much to do that I just can't seem to fit it in. Lately I have not been feeling well either. I had an email conversation with a friend who once thought of being a minister but now defines himself as an atheist. That threw me a bit but I fully understood where he is coming from. He has had a lot of pain and perhaps some of that came from his religious experiences. Most of us who were raised in a religion have baggage. Often we find another religion that seems better. Probably because that religion was of our choosing and we didn't feel forced into it. I do know that there were times I stepped back from religion but then in my own time I was drawn back to it. Several months ago a priest who was so supportive of me passed away. I have not been back to church since then. Partly because I am in denial about his passing. He lived a full and good life and then had his body shipped back to his native Ireland. He once laughed that he had been Americanized when he began to drink coffee daily in place of tea. He listened to me as I poured out my heart during a painful divorce. He gave me my sacraments. I miss him.

I also miss my sister-in-law Jennifer. The baby of my husband's family of four children. She lost her battle with cancer in June of 2007. This cancer is hereditary and we lost her Dad to it in 2000. I hate knowing all the things she is missing with her ten year old daughter. Today we bought her daughter some earrings as she recently had her ears pierced. She wanted pink sparkly ones and that is what I got her. The box had a dragonfly on it, reminding me of how Jen loved butterflies and dragonflies and fairies. She was all about the magic of life.
She is the only one in my husband's family who ever told me they loved me, aside from him. Well her daughter has told me that now. Her daughter came up to me as I knelt gazing at her mother's body and this eight year old child told me that her mother loved me. She was comforting me. Of all the things in my life I know that I will never forget, that is one of them. Jen was only thirty-four with so much life ahead of her. What she might have done we'll never know. We do know that we miss her and I don't think that will ever stop, but certainly not in the near future.

Note: if you scroll down to the bottom of the page you will see the picture of Jen on her way to attend our wedding...it's one of my favorites of her but she was very photogenic, and a good photographer.

Why are the days flying by?

If I stop and think about how fast the days/weeks are flying by I want to hit pause. It seems that the work days are flying by and then before I know it, the weekend is here again. I took off this Wednesday and that makes it go by even faster. My husband's company is supposed to be closing it's doors late December. They have offered him a job in the Boston area which we turned down. They offered him a raise and some moving costs but frankly, it's not nearly enough to make it worth our while to sell this home and purchase another. There is also the consideration that I might not be able to find a job there where I am making as much as I currently do. When I weigh all the options one thing seems to make it impossible for me to consider leaving: my doctors. I am certain that there are excellent doctors in the Boston area but they don't know me or my history. Leaving them behind and being five hours away would invoke tremendous anxiety. So while I don't think at this time, this is a consideration for us, it's nice to know that they love him and should we decide to move to the land of the Red Sox they told him they would always have a place for him. (Since he is from Rhode Island this would be returning to his native land.) In the meantime, they are having him work long hours trying to empty out their site here. They are finding they underestimated what it would take to do this. Who knows...maybe the powers that be will rethink this. In the meantime I hate to see him so worn out when he drags himself through the door after putting in ten hours. Today is Saturday and he is working again. This means I will single handedly take my wonder pup for his rabies shot. He does not play well with others. He is so very fearful of other dogs and some people. If only I could get the Dog Whisperer to make a house call. I think he would tell me he would have to move in for at least a week. I love my Sheltie and the breed. They are bred to warn of impending danger. Apparently my dog feels that too many leaves blowing across the yard could be dangerous. He barks at people walking other dogs. I have tried a squirt bottle and shaking a can of coins. These don't work with him.

I am watching the clock now and see that I have just enough time to throw on a jacket....the Fall has arrived here. I had to clean ice off my car two mornings ago. Yesterday it warmed up a bit for the lucky trick or treaters. I had a mere 75 or so yesterday. Previous years were always over a hundred. It gets less and less every year.

Have I mentioned that Autumn is my favorite season? How I love all things pumpkin scented and tasting. We had a pot luck luncheon at work. I took corn pudding and we had fried chicken and a wonderful spread. I have gone through the closet and found my scarves and purchased two new ones. I have misplaced my ice scraper though and that will be one of the things I simply must pick up today. Right after Autumn comes the snow which I love but the winter cold which I do not. My dog is lucky to have that beautiful coat which keeps him so warm. Wish me luck. Here I go..........