Can I get a Christmas Break? lol

Yesterday the force of our team at work insisted we get some Christmas decorations going. Many of the women I work with are single Moms who live on a tight budget. While I don't have a lot of extra money, I can afford to do some things they cannot. So yesterday I went by a dollar store and bought a lot of nice decorations. It came to about forty dollars. I walked in this morning and gave each lady her ornament for her cube and they put up the garlands and wreaths.
There is a team that sits next to us and immediately they asked if I had bought things for them as well. I am used to this and I replied that I did buy them their own wreath and gave it to them to hang. There was a lot of complaining amongst them and one asked the other why SHE didn't buy the decorations for their team. The woman responded that she didn't have the money. The other woman looked at me and said I must be CRAZY to do something like that. I hesitated before speaking when the lady she was in a conversation with said
NELLE IS NOT CRAZY. SHE IS A NICE AND GENEROUS LADY!
For two days I have been fighting a cold that a coworker came in with. The guy was SHAKING on Monday from a fever, put his head on his desk and slept much of the day. Luckily for him, he was having computer issues and couldn't really get into the system needed. We don't get much time off. About fifteen days a year for everything; illness and vacation and personal emergencies. Each year mine are used up for medical reasons and then I end up not getting paid for other days I need. I hate that people come to work sick, but I understand the financial burden of staying home.
Despite that fact that my husband's job is ending late December and that I am having my surgery Dec. 10th I am in Christmas spirits. Each year I feel so grateful and fortunate to be alive for another Christmas. I am going to run down now and watch the lighting of the tree in Rockefeller Center. I so wish I could be there tonight. Maybe sometime this season I can get there to see if.
Stay warm and don't let anyone steal your holiday joy. :)

Day 4 of the Mini vacation

Today is day 4 and it has gone by much too fast. It is raining today and dreary. It makes me sleepy. I got up at 7 this morning, mainly to check on the cat. The cat has pardon me for saying this word: diarrhea. I called the vet to see if he needed to be brought in. I was told that I should just give him boiled rice and cooked chicken or beef only. If he's not better in three days to bring him in. At least I know the vet isn't one to see a patient needlessly for the money. I am a bit concerned for the cat. If he's not better by Tuesday then I think he will be paying Dr. Scot a visit.

I have seen a lot of my parents this weekend. My father was so cranky on Friday night. We kind of snuck into the apartment (their home is a mother-daughter currently without either of their mothers in residence.) He realized and joined us. It's hard to be patient with him at times. He has hearing aids which he doesn't always want to wear but he wants to hear everything that's going on. He wants to interrogate us like when we were teens. My sister brought my mother's artifical tree up and decorated it. We laughed so hard because she has every decoration anyone has ever given her. She is 76. She could easily decorate five large trees with all the ornaments. She has downsized to a thin tree so there are more left over than ever. Some are really in bad shape. My mother kept pulling things out from the basement; wreathes, towels, etc. . She changes so many things it will take her days and days to do it all. So far I have replaced my kitchen centerpiece of a wooden bowl with mini pumpkins and the sunflower placemats over to a paperwhites with red berries centerpiece and NOEL placemats. I am not exactly a bundle of energy these days. I have enjoyed having some time to balance my checkbook, make and execute a grocery list and clean out the refrigerator. You can see I am a ball of fire. I took a long, hot shower this morning and enjoyed that I could lounge afterwards.
Tomorrow I will be back to the hectic grind. I will have to work a full forty hour week. I'm sure we will have lots of stories to tell each other about the holiday.
Time to go full speed ahead for the one yet to come. I'm dreaming of things that money cannot buy. Peace on Earth, goodwill toward our fellow men and women. Equality for all. Let it be.

Black Friday non participant

Today while others are busily grabbing bargains and bumping shoulders with strangers, I am at home. Relaxing. Yesterday I was up at 5:30 a.m. in order to bake pies and make my pecan topped sweet potato dish which is so yummy. I never got a few minutes in for a nap and by the time we had helped my mother get her dinner on the table I was pooped. I had taken the twenty pound turkey over with the stuffing earlier. I begged my mother not to alter the stuffing from the bag recipe as I hate celery. I have post traumatic celery stress disorder which results from a night of illness as a child. My grandfather who was with me that night told me it took him months before he could eat celery again. If dressing has celery in it I won't eat it. Mom agreed but my sister was there and against Mom's request, added it anyway. To the stuffing I bought. I mashed the potatoes and allowed my sister to make the gravy. She never drained off any of the fat and I realize that I should have made the gravy. My mother is still recovering from a bad cold/flu like illness and now my Dad has it. Since he has already been hospitalized six times this year and had pneumoia at least four of them, I am concerned. Mom had put out china and I insisted that we change to the other dishes which could go in the dishwasher. After our dinner Mom cleared the table then napped on a sofa while Dad napped in his recliner in another room. My sister and I put all the leftovers into containers. I had carved the turkey and half of it was left. After that we had about an hour to chat while my husband ran home and took care of the pets. It was a rare opportunity for us to visit alone and in person. We had pie and coffee and were home by 6:30. I kind of collapsed into a chair. Earlier in the day while searching for a recipe I could not find in time to use, I decided my organization of recipes was sorely lacking. I took out all the loose recipes and organized them into folders or into the recipe album which holds cards and is one of my favorite gifts I have every received. Now when I want a recipe I know where to look. I also found some I had forgotten about which I plan to make soon. Short ribs in the crock pot. Great for winter.

Yesterday got me thinking. Not sure how many more Thanksgivings or holidays I will have with my parents. They are getting older and really failing. Dad is not permitted to drive anymore since he had three seizures that day in June. He still sees an oncologist but they are using a wait and see attitude about the cancer they found around Easter. I honestly do not think he could tolerate chemo at all. When his father was diagnosed with lung cancer my Dad opted not to tell him. He knew his father could not tolerate the treatments and his cancer was already stage 4. One day while alone with "Pops" as I called him, he told me that he knew he had lung cancer but because my Dad couldn't handle discussing it with him, he would pretend not to know. He told me not to say anything in response because he didn't want my father upset with me.

I took today off from work. I was supposed to work today but I am exhausted and have been. I put my name in a pool and was one of eight names drawn to take the day off without pay. I have the upcoming surgery and I want to be in decent condition for the healing process. So, for the first time since I don't know when, I will have 4 consecutive days off of work. It's like a mini vacation for me. I plan to do things that will help me relax. I have my holiday cards all ready written and stamped. Some will get mailed this weekend and others next week. I have most of the gifts purchased. I want to have this all done before December 10th. I do not want to be in the mall where seas of germs are when my back will be healing. I try to avoid them at holiday time anyway. My plan is to stay relatively healthy this winter. You know about the best laid plans...........guess who's coming to town soon???

Tuesday Was Terrifying

Yesterday, Tuesday, was a day from a horror movie. Seriously. It all began when I jumped out of bed about 5:30 a.m. to run downstairs and start making my candied yams for work. We were having a Thanksgiving buffet. These can be quite frustrating as many people claim they cannot cook. They furnish things like potato chips or Doritos (sorry but how is this part of a Thanksgiving buffet)? You always have those who forgot and seem to eat four plates per person. But I digress....as my knee was pounding down each step I became aware that the tendonitis is back in full swing. I get into the kitchen and began to put together all the items I will need while the cat lets out noises that sound like he needs to be spared from death. Sorry, but he had to wait until I got this dish together. I was so proud of how nicely it came out. Epicurious always has the best recipes. I got ready for work, putting on a pretty brand new purple sweater. I had on black UGGS with black pants. I carefully placed the large hot dish on some trivets and towels on the floor behind the drivers seat. Kind of held it in place with some umbrellas. I pull about two miles up the road when some unobservant man blows throw a stop sign, never even slowed , and I had to swerve into the other lane (which was thankfully empty) to avoid him. I began to breath again normally after about ten minutes and drove to work. When I arrived I carefully picked up the towel, trivets and dish and made my way through the revolving door while managing to swipe my ID. Oh I was feeling like I pulled this off so well. (Remember pride goeth before a fall). Rode up the elevator and as I began to walk into the large area where our desks are I realized my pants were wet. Looking down I can see that my raincoat is covered with what looks like orange juice. YIKES. I suddenly realize that the sudden stop made the juice leak down and it was now on one of my UGGS. When purchasing them the salesman said not to worry about getting anything but grease on them. I began to wonder, would melted butter be considered grease? I think so. Now as I am walking in and starting to complain this guy makes some very insensitve comment. I put the dish down and run to the ladies room. I am able to throw my raincoat into the sink and sort of wipe off all the stuff. My pants are soaked. I pull of the shoe and began to gently pat it. In desperation I use a dampened paper towel to swat at it. I return to my desk and this guy is carrying on about what I am I so upset about? I try to ignore him but throughout the day he feels free to go on and on. I feel like a child who has a sibling taunting them and at some point I advise him he really needs to stop. By now I have had two very irate customers I have dealt with. One had me on the phone for over an hour. He wants lines added to his account, then because he doesn't like the numbers, he wants them removed. I am starting to wonder if I am going to get through the day. Somehow I manage to and now I have the dish washed out (I have tossed the towel and trivet in the garbage). I am heading home telling myself that I need to check the back of the car mat. I vow to never cook for work again. I don't know when I have had a more frustrating day. I get home and run upstairs tossing my pants in the washing machine. At least they don't need dry cleaning like the raincoat (which by the way is $18!). I run downstairs have a salad and run back up to toss them in the dryer. What do I see at the bottom of my washing machine but my cell phone! The Razor aka most expensive phone I have ever had. Needless to say it doesn't work anymore. I decide to dry it out with the blow dryer and let it sit overnight with the battery and SIM card outside of it. This morning for my Thanksgiving miracle, it DOES work! I then remember my car and run out to check the mat. What a syrupy mess is on the carpeted mat and on part of the seat. Thank goodness I purchased good upholstery spray from the dealer and it cleans it right up. I also notice that there is blue paint from some other vehicle on my drivers side mirror. Later today my brother was able to buff that off for me. So all in all, with the mirror being fixable and the cell phone still working it turned out okay.
Today when I walked into work the guy who had bugged me yesterday said he was going to leave me alone today. I looked at him and said "Wise choice." I would really hate to have to get a coworker in a headlock so close to Thanksgiving. :) My zen returned. I usually get along so well with this guy too...guess something bad happened to him too but he just doesn't want to talk about it.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Sumptious Sunday

Sunday is by far my favorite day of the week. I can sleep in (in theory only of course because my body gets used to being up by 7 a.m. everyday) and the day is mine. I try to let the better half sleep in. Lately he has been working Saturdays. His company's New Jersey site will be closing end of December. I figure he will get to really rest up then. We have put him on my health insurance for the coming year and I am certain sometime during this year he will find another job. The economy is so bad but there are several companies in our area which do the same thing this one did. It's just sad that so many people who worked there lost their jobs. One friend in particular who suffers from bouts of depression was there nearly twenty years. He felt he was secure. In this world at this time I am starting to wonder if there is any job security anywhere. The world has changed and for us middle aged people who grew up with pensions it's a harsh change.

It is cold this morning. The cat cried and cried to go out and was back at the door within five minutes looking at me as if to say "You sent me out in that?"

The dog with his rich fur coat loves the cold weather. He is in his glory in the snow. I hope to post a short video this winter since we have the FLIP. If you do not have anyway to take and display a video online you simply must get a FLIP. Put it on your Christmas wish list. For less than a hundred dollars, it takes amazing video. I love technology. Several of my coworkers have splurged for I phones or something similar. I just love them but too much pressure for me to spend so much on a phone and then worry if something happens to it. I still have my Razor from two years ago. Not a good phone for texting which I do a lot. On the other hand I have my IPod and don't need a phone that stores music.

I did treat myself to three new sweaters for work yesterday. Of course when you work you can rationalize buying clothes. Like the shoes and winter boots I bought last month. My weight is up again and much of what I have no longer fits me. Problem is I sit most of the day and when I get home I am too tired to excercise. I am an office chair potato (the working version of the couch potato).

We are doing a secret santa at work. This is a great time of year to be working. Mostly because nothing makes me happier than a paid holiday!

Once again this time of year I keep taking check of what I am thankful for and I am thankful for the friends I have met online. Some I am in touch with daily.

Yesterday was my sixth anniversary (we have two, yesterday was our religious ceremony or "church" anniversary) with Rob, the most wonderful husband one could hope for. Not perfect, just like me, but always there for me in every way.

I got a free turkey yesterday for spending $300 at my favorite grocery store.

Almost Friday

Today was the easiest day at work. I was on a project for several hours and then we had our team meeting and then I left an hour and a half early. The best part of working is time off. My mother had a crisis, or thought she did, and I went over to help her with her AOL software. When I arrived it was miraculously working. I still made it home a bit earlier today and managed to get some laundry done and run some much needed computer scans.

There is a craft show on Saturday a few hours from here. Would love to go but my chaffeur aka significant other will be working. While I am adventurous I hate driving to unknown places so not sure I will make the trip unless I get someone to come along. Our friend Tim makes beautiful jewelery. I wore earrings he had made to work today and received compliments on them. My husband's group of work friends will be disbanded soon. Imagine working in the same place for almost twenty years and then suddenly you lose your job, your friends and your bread and butter. Times are so hard right now. I work with a single mother of three and all she does is complain about how we are underpaid and wants a raise. We received a two dollar an hour raise about six months ago and I was thrilled. I told her today in this economy she should be so happy to have a job. She gets her medical free for herself and her children. Most of us pay for our insurance. She is living at her mother's and doesn't have a mortgage or utilites either. I guess some people have no idea how good they have it.

I am always feeling extra grateful around Thanksgiving. I have so very much to be thankful for. My wonderful husband, I still have my beloved grandmother at 96, my son, my animals, my friends, my faith the list goes on and on. I am so very grateful that I am still here on this planet. At times it has not been easy but I am still here and going strong. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!
I know not everyone shares my religious beliefs, I respect that, but in my heart not a day goes by that I don't look up and say "Thank you" because my strength often comes from above.
What are you most thankful for?

A Quick Note

Yesterday I left work a bit early to go get my blood test. I take blood thinners and am required to get them at least once a month, sometimes twice a month as I have been lately. I battled the traffic and got to the hospital rejoiced to see there was only one person ahead of me at the lab.
I had called my doctor on the earlier and he had called in a script for me at the pharmacy. I was so happy as I left the hospital thinking I would get home early. I pulled into the long line at Walgreen's and sat for twenty minutes before reaching the window. The young man told me there was no script called in for me. I told him that I had a voicemail confirmation from the office and he suggested I pull off to the side and call them again. I did and a very annoyed office nurse told me the script had been called in five hours earlier. She had noted on the chart the time and asked that I give my cell phone to the pharmacist. I went inside the store and walked to the back. They refused to take my cell saying it could be anyone on the phone. They needed the nurse to call them again. She did and then she called me back on my cell after speaking with them. She said this was a different pharmacist than who had taken the call earlier but they changed shifts at 3p.m. Of course this meant waiting for the script to be filled and about another twenty minutes later I was on my way home again. By now I was frustrated, tired after work and hungry. I was thinking about the high cost of even getting generic drugs when I realized the light was about to change. It was one of those moments where it might be more dangerous to hit your brakes than go and I went. A few minutes later I saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror. Stopped by a very nice police officer. He asked me for my documents and I produced them. He then asked about my driving record and I told him it was perfect. I also volunteered about my frustrating experience at Walgreens and told him that I am usually a cautious driver. When he had obtained my information he cautioned me but let me go after admonishing me to drive safely. I was relieved and very surprised. I guess if you have a perfect record they know you are safe most of the time at least.
Tonight my husband went to a mediator with my neighbor. She got rid of the rooster which was waking us at daybreak since August about a week ago. She did that when he signed the complaint. He explained that I need my rest. So all in all the past two days have been okay. Now it's time for some much needed sleep. Tomorrow is hump day. The weeks go by so quickly. I wish I had more energy to do things after work and enjoy them. This morning we did have our first snow flurries and they were lovely. It is COLD out there! Stay warm....oh and drive safely. :)

Rainy Weekend

It was supposed to rain the entire weekend. We got a small reprieve this afternoon and my chaffeur drove me to Target. Or as the French call it TarJay.
Found just the accent pillows I had been looking for to make our new sofa a bit cozier. I had purchased others that weren't right and when I got home was happy to see they were a great fit color wise.

I have been having some issues I have been struggling with regarding health insurance. Of course each year my employer has made some small changes. One I hadn't realized was that we have a five hundred dollar IN network deductible that is applied to either hospitalization, diagnostic testing or outpatient surgery. The rub of that is that I will be paying that in December and then in January it starts again for the new year. I have considered delaying my surgery for a month. Family members at first said nothing then several days later they all went into hyper mode saying it was not a good idea. I have agreed to have the surgery December 10th and just not agonize over the deductible and coinsurance which won't count towards next years. My husband will also be going on my insurance for the first time so those changes had to be made. If he finds another job, which I'm sure he will, I will have to keep him on my insurance all year. Actually, that might be a good thing because this plan is better than what he has had. So much hinges on insurance and it is my deepest hope that President elect Obama will fulfill his promise and do something about this. My portion I pay is high and many of the single mothers I work with cannot afford it and have their children on state insurance. I tried to comfort myself yesterday by rejoicing over the drop in gas prices. I filled my tank for under $30 for the first time in so very long. My parents have offered to help me with the expense of this surgery. That is a big change for them.

I plan to go enjoy a cup of tea and open a magazine and do something I rarely do but need to be doing a whole lot more : RELAX. I hope you have a relaxing weekend too.

Sorting Feelings

I've been on a downer lately. Partly because of the family structure of my spouse and myself. In my family it has always been that the sons were the recipients of money in one form or another. In my husband's it's been the daughters. Last year my mother-in-law lost her one daughter, who I believe was her favorite. Her other daughter quickly moved to a southern state, partially because she felt her mother was withholding to her. Since that has happened her mother is now showering her with boxes for herself and her two sons. At the same time, her mother has stopped giving us even an anniversary card. The other night her daughter called going on and on about the box she had received. I wish I were something enough (mature, although I am mature, not sure what word would suit this) to just let this go but I am human and it bothers me. Although I am the only one in my family who ever had cancer, or a heart problem (which I inherited from my father) I have never received any assistance of any kind from my parents. I have never asked for any. I pride myself on being independent. I have worked hard, even when physically drained, to take care of my own needs. I am proud of that. Still, I am a human, with an inner child, who gets hurt that so much is done for others while I sit on the sidelines, sometimes with needs of my own that are not addressed.
I discovered that if I had a surgery in December my insurance copay was going to be very high as I would have to meet a surgical deductible I was unaware of. Come January it would start over so I decided to postpone my surgery until January. No one seemed concerned until after I cancelled and my mother then called and said she would have helped me. I didn't want her help but why wait until after I cancelled to do that?
With all these things going on...as they have for years....I feel uncared about.
The adult is struggling hard to meet the needs of the inner child.
The husband is not understanding me on this as he accepts that his mother is this way. The fact that she hurts me doesn't seem to bother him and that hurts me. Perhaps this is too personal of an entry and some things are better left unsaid. I feel the need TO say them though. I feel very alone and at times scared.

My father always said the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy.

Scrapbook Wishes

I have seen some of the beautiful new blogs where people use scrapbook looking papers and put pictures in flowers and I have envy. There is a person who will custom make one for you. Sorry I don't have that kind of money to splurge on myself with Christmas coming especially but they are lovely.

My husband is working again this Saturday as he did last Saturday and it's raining again. Made a quick trip to the Hallmark Open House this morning and bought some nice Christmas ornaments I will be giving as gifts. I have a bed to make, a kitchen to clean and then I will allow myself the luxury of laying on my new sofa and enjoying the flat screen tv. Oh yes, even the small luxuries remind me that life is good.

WE HAVE A DREAM

WE HAVE A DREAM
Americans have a dream. As we struggle with our concerns for our finances right now and our life investments which seem to be slipping away, we have united and elected a President, who I hope and pray and believe ,will lead us slowly back. Pray for him. I only wish that all those who fought so hard for Dr. King's dream to come true could have seen this day. Dr. King your dream, to a large degree at least, came true last night. I am so proud to be an American today. I am also proud of the dignity shown by John McCain. Although I did not feel he was the right person to lead our country, I do feel we should honor him as a war hero who served our country with such bravery. He showed real class last night. I respect him more now than ever before.

Thank You Uncle Dick

Today was a very emotional day for me. It made me think many times of my beloved Uncle Dick who died very young.......
Many years ago my Uncle Dick took myself (who he called Nelson) and my cousin Sharon (who he called Sherman) to a Highs Ice Cream store. It was in a place in Maryland not far outside of Washington, D.C. Uncle Dick lived down by the Chesapeake Bay a good two hours away and when he came to visit we were given all kinds of wonderful treats. A few years later he moved to Florida and when he rolled into town then with his wife, we felt as though Mr. and Mrs. Claus had arrived. Many of my happiest childhood memories involve them. This one very hot day as we were picking out our ice cream flavors a young black mother and her little girl came in. To be honest, I cannot remember what they were doing in the store but the little girl asked her Mommy for an ice cream cone. The mommy leaned down and took her baby girl's hand and whispered something about not having money for one. My Uncle Dick (God love him) walked over with his big smile that would melt anyone's heart and said "Madam would you allow me to buy your little girl an ice cream cone because she is wearing the prettiest dress I ever saw." The lady's eyes said it all and she quietly thanked him and said that would be fine. My cousin and I got our cones and climbed into the beautiful convertible for the ride home. Uncle Dick told us on that ride never to judge people by their skin, their clothes or their ability to pay for things. He told us what a lovely woman the mother was and how sweet she was for thanking him. That day I learned a valuable lesson. I only wish every child could learn the same lesson. It is a lesson I have never forgotten and I taught my child. People are the same and like books, what's important is what's on the inside. (Uncle Dick worked for Johns Hopkins and was in an experimental lab when a dish containing brusolosis was dropped and broken. He cleaned up the mess and became infected with the disease that slowly destroyed his heart and ended his life in his early fifties. He never regretted infecting himself because others were spared by his heroic deed.)

Today as I had the opportunity to go into the booth and vote for an African American president my eyes swelled with tears. I was so proud of our country and how far we have come from the days of the segregation. We are still on the journey for equality but all I could think about would be how happy my uncle would have been to have seen this day. How happy he would have been to know that the enlightenment he shared with two young girls would be passed on to their children and grandchildren. Although his only child died in infancy, he touched the life of another child and that's something to be proud of.

GO VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thinking about God..........

My groom with his youngest sister, Jen and her daughter, Cassie. There is a bagpiper in the bar as well..and friends.

Today was Sunday and I so rarely go to church anymore. My faith is the same as it was but I just find I have so much to do that I just can't seem to fit it in. Lately I have not been feeling well either. I had an email conversation with a friend who once thought of being a minister but now defines himself as an atheist. That threw me a bit but I fully understood where he is coming from. He has had a lot of pain and perhaps some of that came from his religious experiences. Most of us who were raised in a religion have baggage. Often we find another religion that seems better. Probably because that religion was of our choosing and we didn't feel forced into it. I do know that there were times I stepped back from religion but then in my own time I was drawn back to it. Several months ago a priest who was so supportive of me passed away. I have not been back to church since then. Partly because I am in denial about his passing. He lived a full and good life and then had his body shipped back to his native Ireland. He once laughed that he had been Americanized when he began to drink coffee daily in place of tea. He listened to me as I poured out my heart during a painful divorce. He gave me my sacraments. I miss him.

I also miss my sister-in-law Jennifer. The baby of my husband's family of four children. She lost her battle with cancer in June of 2007. This cancer is hereditary and we lost her Dad to it in 2000. I hate knowing all the things she is missing with her ten year old daughter. Today we bought her daughter some earrings as she recently had her ears pierced. She wanted pink sparkly ones and that is what I got her. The box had a dragonfly on it, reminding me of how Jen loved butterflies and dragonflies and fairies. She was all about the magic of life.
She is the only one in my husband's family who ever told me they loved me, aside from him. Well her daughter has told me that now. Her daughter came up to me as I knelt gazing at her mother's body and this eight year old child told me that her mother loved me. She was comforting me. Of all the things in my life I know that I will never forget, that is one of them. Jen was only thirty-four with so much life ahead of her. What she might have done we'll never know. We do know that we miss her and I don't think that will ever stop, but certainly not in the near future.

Note: if you scroll down to the bottom of the page you will see the picture of Jen on her way to attend our wedding...it's one of my favorites of her but she was very photogenic, and a good photographer.

Why are the days flying by?

If I stop and think about how fast the days/weeks are flying by I want to hit pause. It seems that the work days are flying by and then before I know it, the weekend is here again. I took off this Wednesday and that makes it go by even faster. My husband's company is supposed to be closing it's doors late December. They have offered him a job in the Boston area which we turned down. They offered him a raise and some moving costs but frankly, it's not nearly enough to make it worth our while to sell this home and purchase another. There is also the consideration that I might not be able to find a job there where I am making as much as I currently do. When I weigh all the options one thing seems to make it impossible for me to consider leaving: my doctors. I am certain that there are excellent doctors in the Boston area but they don't know me or my history. Leaving them behind and being five hours away would invoke tremendous anxiety. So while I don't think at this time, this is a consideration for us, it's nice to know that they love him and should we decide to move to the land of the Red Sox they told him they would always have a place for him. (Since he is from Rhode Island this would be returning to his native land.) In the meantime, they are having him work long hours trying to empty out their site here. They are finding they underestimated what it would take to do this. Who knows...maybe the powers that be will rethink this. In the meantime I hate to see him so worn out when he drags himself through the door after putting in ten hours. Today is Saturday and he is working again. This means I will single handedly take my wonder pup for his rabies shot. He does not play well with others. He is so very fearful of other dogs and some people. If only I could get the Dog Whisperer to make a house call. I think he would tell me he would have to move in for at least a week. I love my Sheltie and the breed. They are bred to warn of impending danger. Apparently my dog feels that too many leaves blowing across the yard could be dangerous. He barks at people walking other dogs. I have tried a squirt bottle and shaking a can of coins. These don't work with him.

I am watching the clock now and see that I have just enough time to throw on a jacket....the Fall has arrived here. I had to clean ice off my car two mornings ago. Yesterday it warmed up a bit for the lucky trick or treaters. I had a mere 75 or so yesterday. Previous years were always over a hundred. It gets less and less every year.

Have I mentioned that Autumn is my favorite season? How I love all things pumpkin scented and tasting. We had a pot luck luncheon at work. I took corn pudding and we had fried chicken and a wonderful spread. I have gone through the closet and found my scarves and purchased two new ones. I have misplaced my ice scraper though and that will be one of the things I simply must pick up today. Right after Autumn comes the snow which I love but the winter cold which I do not. My dog is lucky to have that beautiful coat which keeps him so warm. Wish me luck. Here I go..........

Deep in Thought

Something happened recently at work where my mind began to go into overdrive about why certain people do things. I found myself trying to figure out a motive for such childish behavior in a work environment and this began a spiral of thoughts about why people are the way they are. I believe most people are the way they are because of their life experiences. Obviously the type of home you grow up in plays a large part in that. Still when we become adults we become redefined as we make a home and family of OUR choosing. So many of us raised to feel that who we were was reflected by the home we had or the family we presented to others, were set up to feel like failures. I was raised to think that when you married someone if that was a nightmare, it was of your choosing and you had no choice but to endure it. In my forties I broke free of those chains of thought and began to search for the me who had been lost living with someone who was not right for me. It was a long and difficult journey to get where I am today. Still, I do not feel that defines me as much as being a cancer survivor. I have lived with the rollercoaster of anxiety and fear, and yes, hope for thirty years. During that time I also went through leukemia with my only child, who also, thankfully, is a long term survivor.

Perhaps because the treatment, that I had back then, was so intense and the physical results life changing, my life never was the same. I had my spleen removed which left me immune compromised. I have had skin cancer and now am dealing with another. I have had heart surgery and that opened another set of issues and medications. This is my life and I am grateful for it.

I cannot imagine what it would be like to be a normal person, although I strive to live my life as normally as I can. I never allow myself to think what my life might have been like because my son was only three when I was diagnosed. My thoughts were for him and wanting him to be taken care of by his mother. I have often wondered if taking him to the radiation clinic predisposed him to leukemia.

Life goes on. Each day I get up and go to work and I do all the things that a normal person does. However, not a day goes by that I don't find myself having this thought "Thank you God for another day." I don't think many people ever have those thoughts. I think the passing of days goes unnoticed. It's expected. With me, over the years, I have learned not to be so anxious. I have come to accept that whatever will be will be. I have learned to appreciate nature and people and acts of kindness to a degree that many people never will.

For that I am grateful. Life is good. Smell the flowers!

A Friday Off..... can I get a woohoooo

Today I am so happy because I took the day off....with pay. These are the days that make working so very sweet. I have an appointment with a skin surgeon and will find out today just when she will remove this undesirable thing on my back and how much time will be involved. I am not scared but I am concerned about discomfort while working. I just filled out the six long pages of information and consent, which deal primarily with my insurance. She accepts my primary but not secondary insurance. That should simplify things a bit unless my company changes providers which could happen.

I made an appointment and got my hair cut today. She cut it shorter than she had eight weeks ago. The back is fine but my "bangs" are too straight across, I like them whispier but by the time I could see them they were too short to change. I will go back in a few weeks when they have grown out and have her fix them then. My hair grows very quickly. Having shorter hair makes it so much easier to get ready for work in the morning. I find as I am aging I am wearing more make up. To be honest, if I were not neurotic and financially impaired, I would be having botox. Ironic that my weight gain over the years has not concerned me as much as wrinkles and other facial imperfections. I guess when I stare into the mirror I focus on those things.

Looking at the time I need to get a move on. I will be relieved when I close the chapter on this and know that, at least for awhile, I will be safe again.

Fall Has Arrived

The past few days have been very warm but it's cool and breezy at night. Ideal for sleeping conditions if it weren't for the rooster living next door. This rooster is waking up the entire neighborhood. The neighbor is a problem neighbor and a complaint has been signed by us and another neighbor with a few others considering doing the same thing. I really hate it when people drive you to have to do these things. I would much rather have a congenial relationship with neighbors. Since we have lived here for six years she has woken us up at five thirty one morning when she decided to mow her grass, put four ducks in her yard which fight and wake us up, had her then eleven year old son back her car out of her driveway which he lost control of and hit my car. She was furious when I called the police after she pulled the car back in her driveway and ran in her house. Her mailbox which was run over lay on the ground to provide evidence. The police told her she was lucky we didn't press charges but she seemed annoyed that we made her pay for the repairs rather than allow her friend to fix our car. Said friend fixed her car after an accident and the paint does not match. She went to court and got a variance to erect a six foot fence. I opposed this but she testified she had a handicapped child who needed to be confined for his safety. The fence she erected is more like eight feet tall and was never closed while her child who seems perfectly normal plays in the street with the other kids. This fence is also on a conservation easement which the variance stated could not have the fence on. It goes on and on. My husband has videotaped the activity of this rooster, who is annoying as can be each morning and the tapes are viewed by other neighbors and some township officials I believe.

I go to the skin surgeon next week. Not for the surgery, just to get things set up. The bills from the procedure and biopsy are rolling in. Oh please Mr. Obama, some national health care help. We need it. Two people in our home working, I am covered by two policies and still what I must pay out of pocket prohibits me from getting all the procedures I should be.

I am tired and going to make a soothing cup of herbal tea, watch Grey's Anatomy and get into my weekend mode. One more workday. Work was great today. We had a baby shower/luncheon for a lovely couple who both work with us. One of our coworkers, Lemont has a catering business and his fried chicken is mouth watering. He made a pork shoulder too. Instead of a cake we have banana pudding for dessert. Enjoyed by all. I work with quite a cast of characters and we have a lot of laughs. Life is good. Happy Halloween from the Shelties

A Final Goodbye to AOL Journals........

A long time ago AOL screwed over their journalers. Beautiful, lovingly maintained blogs that were a joy to read were defaced by the company when they ran ad banners across the top. Since AOL was never able to offer broadband, only dial up, one had to pay for broadband AND for AOL. To slap ads on top of journals that were being paid for was adding insult to injury. There was a wonderful community of bloggers. People who were a huge crossmix of the country. I loved it. I made friends with these bloggers. Many of them got angry when some of us made an exodus to blog spot. Some of them tried to change over to blog spot but it was difficult and they gave up and went back. Now, after all this time, AOL finally tells them NO MORE BLOGS. Sorry but your journals will no longer be supported here. More blogs for blog spot who hosts them for free. How can that be you have to ask yourself. Maybe now, finally, I can just cancel AOL altogether. Why should I give them any money when I am paying for broadband? I will tell you why I have done it. There were a few chat rooms over the years that I went to.
Most of these chat rooms have become so full of verbally abusive people that there is no pleasure in trying to converse in one. AOL has failed miserably in controlling them.
I remember when no one considered being online without AOL. How they have fallen.
What gets me is all the victims they left behind. All the blogging community that supported Pam, our friend, through her cancer ordeal. Her daughter kept her blog online and her screen name. Sorry for her that unless she can figure out how, that blog will be lost. By the way AOL gave NO Instructions on how to save the blogs just a link that contained no information. Another AOL faux paus. I am sorry for all the people who derived so much joy from the AOL journals, myself included. We paid for something and we suffered for having used it.
Life goes on and I helped a fellow AOL journaler get set up with a new home here on blog spot.
Another thing in life that will be gone, something that at one time meant so much.
AOL I think you have put the last nail in your coffin.

The Circle Of Life

I was thinking today about how some thirty years ago I knew everything. I know now that I will never live long enough to know even a portion of what I would like to. As a cocky nineteen year old I had a job at McGraw-Hill. Within a few months I went to the head of our department (bypassing the two supervisors over me) and told him my talents were being wasted. I would finish processing my orders and then help the other women do theirs. They begged me to slow down and I would become irritated wondering why they were so lazy. I could stay up half the night and still work faster than them. Life has taken me down a few pegs now. When I was at McGraw-Hill (publishing part of the company) I was the baby of the department. I was already married and had owned and sold a business with my then husband. Let's just refer to him as "the former significant other". I had just purchased a home and my how the world was mine. My department head put me up for a promotion and before you could say "I'm outta here" I was in my new job as the assistant to a customer service representative who was a one person department running their education /development customer service orders and keeping the salesmen under control. Shortly into that job I learned I was pregnant. Trust me, no one was more surprised than me and I even argued with the doctor. When I heard the baby's heartbeat I tried to question if it might be an echo of my own. NO. I was delighted but it took a long time before I realized that I would not be able to work again for a long time. There were no day care centers at that time and if there were other mothers who babysat in their homes I didn't know of any. I began to get ready for a stay at home job which at the time became my joy. I became a Tupperware demonstrator to make some money. That could be done in the evenings when my baby was safely in his own crib. Sometimes I feel that the modern working moms are missing some precious moments that they shouldn't have to. In this day and age you would have to be independently wealthy to surive with children on one income, at least in the Northeast. Anna Quindlen said it best when she said that we could have it all BUT not at the same time.

This picture drawn by my friend, Diana, so precious

Years later I found myself back in the work force. How the tides of turned. Life who I once ruled, kicked my butt. I am now one of the oldest women in my department. I laugh as they tell me about their struggles to find Mr. Right, give them support through the bad break ups and check out their MySpace pages. I even succumbed to pressure and made one. It pales in comparison to theirs. I am no longer the sexy young thing of my youth. In place of that though, I have learned so much from the knocks of life. I am more compassionate. I am still friends with my dearest friend of that first career job, Monica. She left soon after I did and had a career in a local government. She turned 70 in the spring and let me tell you she is still one sexy mama. She laughs when I ask her how she put up with me. The nineteen year old know it all who gave her (mother of four) marital advice? She laughs and winks. Life is so interesting and I hope I always find it so. Even if I do need more than eight hours sleep.

Wanting to make it easier

I have a coworker who has only been with us about a month. He is originally from Atlanta. When he came to New Jersey it was with the hope that he could find some medical treatment for his father who had the worst form of leukemia. In New Jersey there is a Cancer Institute and it is wonderful. For reasons I do not understand this young man's Dad ended up in a place I have never heard of. I guess it is possible they were doing some kind of experimental drug trial. He was urged by many people to move his father but that did not happen. Three months ago his brother went into New York and was killed in a motor vehicle accident. Two weeks ago he lost his father and the last person left in his nuclear family.

This is a nice young man. There is discussion and the men in our group feel it is best left alone. The women feel a card needs to be passed and a collection taken. The young man who knows him best says that he would be embarassed by the attention. Last week we had our meeting and my heart ached as he broke down and had to leave when he began to talk about what he had gone through. He is in pain. I want to help him but it's a fine line. He told me they did some genetic testing as his grandmother died from the same disease his father had. His tests came back that he doesn't carry this gene. I was relieved for him. I try to say hello, offer him friendship in a way that will be acceptable to him but I hope he knows that others do care.

Running Without Scissors

Today found us up before 7 a.m. thanks to crazy lady next door who has the rooster. Our township has no ordinance against having barn yard animals. This lady had the rooster and her ducks roaming onto my yard but the board of health ordered her to confine them to her yard. She has done that. She was also requested not to let the rooster crow before at least 8 a.m. So far she has told the town that she purchased a special cage that prevents the rooster from seeing daylight and she lets him out at 9 a.m. :::Insert eyeroll.::: The township official told me he had no knowledge of any such cage. I assured him that my husband is out videotaping the rooster's activity in the morning. I could post the clip here but I keep my blog free of certain language. He has actually started a blog about said rooster under the guise of looking for rooster recipes. The colorful character is downstairs right now making his French pot roast that melts my heart. If that weren't enough he will be preparing creme brulee'. Be still my heart.

But I digress....once we were up this morning we decided to go to the grocery store and do a few other things. My mother's computer was a mess before we straightened that out last week but her printer was out of colored ink. I mentioned that and he agreed we could go there first and find out exactly what cartridge was needed and take care of that. We got her old cartridge information and headed to Staples. En route I remembered I hadn't eaten breakfast. We stopped at Eli's Bagels. If you have never been in the North you cannot appreciate what a great bagel is like. These bagels were still warm and I had low fat vegetable cream cheese on mine (a sesame seed my favorite.) Rob had a cinnamon raisin and his was so warm the butter was dripping down. After we consumed these, and I composed myself after having a foodgasm in public, we proceeded to Staples. How I long for office supplies. Don't ask cause I really can't explain but I find them very exciting. My darling, ever observant, spotted them first: heart shaped paper clips. They are wonderful. I have such a thing for hearts. It was a mix and match display with paper clips that were stars, hearts and even feet. Also push pins and the other kinds of paper clips. You could fill a container divided into four parts for $5.99. I got some very colorful pushpins for work in our work color of orange and my favorite chartreuse green. I got a big package of paper for my printer and we got the ink cartridge. I whipped out my Staples Rewards card and the coupon we had received for our last ink cartridges we had turned in. "Does it get any better than this?" I thought as I clutched my new office supplies.

We headed to the grocery store where we got some food and then headed home to put it all away. After we did that, we decided to go back to my mother's with the new ink cartridge. I remembered that her speakers haven't worked in a long time so I unplugged mine to see if they would work there. Yes, they did, and I just gave them to her. Later today or tomorrow I will get another pair. They are not expensive and this way she can HEAR the music along with the power point presentations she receives.

Rob invited my parents over for dinner tonight. They have had his pot roast provencial before and loved it. You know Rob is a wonderful husband, step-father,son,brother, brother-in-law, son-in-law,uncle, cousin and friend. There's nothing he wouldn't do for anyone. (I confess there are times when I wish he would say "NO.") Sometimes when people are like that, it's easy to take that quality for granted. Today I thanked him on the way back from my parents. When you work hard all week it really matters when you give up your leisure time to do nice things for others. I know he will be blessed for all he does but I just want him to know how much it means to me also. I'm going to have to keep him. :)

* Picture top right is of our new sofa and you can look through the opening into the kitchen and see ze little chef at work. Notice Duffy also snuck into the pic.:)

Not so Hot so

Went to work this morning and once there I began to feel a tad green around the gills. First came the headache, then the stomach ache and when the chills began I threw in the towel and my compassionate boss allowed me to leave. I was actually having a productive wave before the plague hit me. Three people fell ill ,to whatever this is, this week. Strong burly young men and I was afraid it was going to catch up with me and then boom!

Being an intelligent woman you would think that I might come home and have a nice bowl of soup. Sounds logical right? With my intestines causing me pain and concern I opened a new bag of chips and had a handful with some onion dip. While this may seem strange I have to tell you about my grandmother. My grandmother would have prescribed french fries. She swears they cure stomach ailments. If they fail then she will make her homemade potato soup. Yes, I am serious. Her daughter ,my aunt, eats tunafish sandwiches or leftovers for breakfast. My mother will keep a cake until it is gone and when it gets dry and hard she will pour milk over it and have it in a bowl. I come from a long line of untraditional eaters. I might go for weeks where I have cereal or eggs for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and a traditional dinner....however when I begin to feel ill or the stress overwhelms it's time to do some junkfood binge eating. In the words of grandma Birdie (that WAS her real name I swear) "I just can't help it." If we are what we eat I must be the sweetest person on the Earth.

A Better Monday than Usual

My father came home from the hospital yesterday. My sister came into town and we had a good time visiting. We had a nice homecoming dinner for him yesterday where we all pitched in and cooked something. Makes it so much easier. We had turkey and smashed potatoes (the good red ones with the skins) and some teriyaki green beans. I made a chocolate cake with homemade vanilla frosting for dessert and everyone seemed to enjoy it. We played games after the clean up and some overhauling of my parents computer. Mom knows how to download and view but then the files remain there until one of us goes over and purges them. There were hundreds, many power point presentations! Her computer is running a lot better now.

The rain is finally gone here and I see some sunshine. Even though I am getting ready for work, the day is not as dismal as most Mondays. The weekend flew by but I know just five days away another one waits around the corner.

I found a really good skin surgeon and am on her "wait list" if not I will need to wait until November to see her. Thank God for health insurance. Cannot imagine having to deal with something like this without it.

Time to take a walk into the closet and see what I can come up with for work. Many things I want to wear no longer fit me as I have packed on some pounds which I can't seem to unload. The work cafeteria is my enemy with smells that call me. They have some great meals. I must find something though......better get to it.

Updated Photo

Finally a photo with my shorter hair. So much easier to keep under control. The front is a few inches longer than the sides and the back is shorter still. Nice and quick to blow dry in the mornings.

My father is still in the hospital but expected to come home tomorrow. Today is the first day he has not had a fever since Wednesday. My sister arrived in New Jersey but has a friend with her. I was disappointed as I had hoped to spend some time with her. It has been years since she and I have set down alone to talk.

I made an appointment with a surgeon that is going to see me Nov. 14th unless the report I send them makes them bump up the appointment. I feel like concerns are weighing heavily upon my shoulders. I know that most people have no clue what it's like to have many of my life experiences. It's still disappointing because even when I don't know what someone is going through I can always drop a note or make a call and say I care.

Time to get my mind on other things. I have been up since 5 a.m. and am exhausted. Started doing laundry early, showered and got dressed, went for lunch, visited my father in the hospital, grocery shopped, put things away, had dinner and now I am ready to collapse.

Overwhelmed

Feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. My Dad who has COPD and congestive heart failure was taken by ambulance once again to the hospital. This about his fifth stay in 2008. At least he is not in ICU like the last two visits. He has pneumonia and a urinary infection again. He was bright red last night. They will fix him up once more and hopefully Oct. 27 be celebrating his 85th birthday. He has had a long life and a good life but it is hard to see him struggling, especially when at times his dignity is taken from him and he's not even aware enough to know.

I am going back to the dermatologist tonight. I had a skin cancer removed three weeks ago. This is a secondary cancer caused by all the radiation that I had so many years ago. He will discuss the biopsy results in detail and what needs to be done.
I have lived so long after the initial diagnosis and yet it is something that is always a part of who you are once you join that club. I need to rally my spirits but for some reason it doesn't get easier because the rest of life's problems don't go on hold. I am not looking forward to having more surgery no matter how small. I went through this a few years ago and it was fine then and my logical side tells me that I probably have the best kind to have. The irrational and neurotic side is screaming that there is NO good cancer of any kind and that this lion may be at bay but he can pounce any time he chooses to. Time to think of anything else that can distract me from that thought because that thought can take me somewhere I do not want to go.
At times like this my comfort is in my belief that God dwells within me, that I am one with His universe and that no matter what else happens, that cannot change.

Sumptious Sunday

Today was a much needed kick back and relax kind of day with a short shopping trip in the middle. Oh my kind of day. I needed it with yesterday's sofa delivery. We were responsible for getting the old sofa out and it was no small task. Fortunately, midway through task, a neighbor came over and offered a hand. Without his help not sure what we would have done. Old sofa is on the sidewalk with a sign "free" (no takers yet) and it's a queen size sleeper sofa with no tears in the fabric although the cushions were flattened with wear. I usually get attached to furniture but this sofa was never comfy for me so I was glad to see it go. Now trying to get adjusted to a new sofa with lots of support and it's taking time.

I have a lot on my mind these days. Many changes at work with a new CEO and many new top people who make decisions which govern how my work is critiqued. It will all be changes for the better I believe. With all changes come adjustments. I am not as adaptable as I was in my younger days. It is hard to change a "call flow" once one has become ingrained and my job has me constantly making as many as three or four new changes in each call. Since I take about thirty a day you can imagine how much concentration this takes. All the while coworkers are talking on their calls, to themselves, each other and me. There is constant discussion on just what good customer service is. They want our customers to have a "wow" experience. I get that. There are customers however who subscribe to a service that for reasons out of their control, they cannot use. When they call to disconnect their service they are disappointed. Often they are given misinformation from a competitor trying to blame us for something that they failed to do. While you gently try to explain this, you must be very careful what you say and you do not want to anger the customer or argue with them. Some customers want nothing but to argue with you and vent all their frustration at you. Often once you have assisted them, they apologize before hanging up and thank you for your help. Mondays are the days we receive the most calls. After a weekend of build up they are often heated. It takes extra patience on Mondays. I am paid to do this job but sometimes I wish I could opt out on Mondays.

In a very real sense, the writer writes in order to teach himself, to understand himself, to satisfy himself. ~ Alfred Kozin

Random Thoughts

Today is Sunday and I have to wonder why these weekend days pass so quickly. This week I have doctor appointments on Monday and Thursday so I will only be working half days on those days. It just seems that there is always so much to do on weekends. To be honest, I don't accomplish half of what I have planned because I so enjoy relaxing. When I was younger I could never relax unless my house was perfect and my laundry done and all of the other type A stuff that governed my actions. When I think back to having come home from the hospital at age 23 and upon discovering the horrible condition of my home (while I was having surgery) I nearly had a melt down. I got down on my knees and scrubbed my kitchen floor. That was after washing every utensil and plate in our home. This was a few days after having stitches removed from my abdomen. How sad is that? Very....I know that now. Being older and smarter I now know that this was the ONE thing I could control at the time. I certainly had no control over anything else then. Now I know that I have no control but if I am tired I lay down and take a nap. I also indulge in take out something I could not afford to do back then.
I accomplish enough and I do like order but when my head hits my pillow at night I conk out.

I recently learned that an elderly man got TOSd from AOL. This for sending emails out to a mass list (who he every few months emailed and said "let me know if you want to be removed from my list.") Apparently someone found his emails a tad risque'. I feel so badly for this poor man who lost his beloved wife last year. Although he has a daughter and grandchildren during the day he went into a chat room of what he thought were friends and who he loved to email.
It never fails to sadden me at the delight some people take in causing pain for others. I have never understood that kind of reaction. When someone hurts me just get me as far away from them as I can possibly be. There was a time in my life where it was hard to let go of people like that. A part of me felt that I would be able to enlighten them. Usually this did not happen and often when they grew tired of the game they simply moved on. Now that I am older and oh so wiser I make new friends a bit slower. I take them into my trust only after they have showed some actual integrity and it will take them years before they earn my trust and respect. One of my friends summed it up this way "In life we make many acquaintances but few actual friends. Most people do not learn this distinction until they have mistaken acquaintances for friends and learned the hard way."

"I will not play tug o war, I'd rather play hug o war where everyone hugs instead of tugs, where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug, where everyone kisses and everyone grins and everyone cuddles, and everyone wins." Shel Silverstein

Wishing Our Niece a Happy Birthday

Today is our dear niece Cassie's tenth birthday. It is her second birthday without her Mom who passed away from cancer on June 8, 2007 at just 34. We were there for her birthday last year and I gave her Kit, her American girl doll along with some things for Kit. It was a big day and we were happy to be there to share in it. This year we simply cannot be with her for a multitude of reasons. Her grandmother was on vacation last week and we had hoped she would take a few days and bring her for a visit but she didn't. It is so hard to not be a daily part of her life, in reality we are not much of a part of her life. Her Dad honored her Mom's request to let her continue to be raised by her grandmother. I worry at times that her grandmother who has a pacemaker and who is a breast cancer survivor perhaps bit off more than she can chew. She would never admit it of course. She doesn't understand the problems we have in getting away. I have a very neurotic dog and only my parents or one neighbor can handle him in our absence. The neighbor gets paid and my parents are away this week. In addition to that I am taking care of a minor health issue of my own. More on that at another time. Sometimes when we are sick and get better people forget that we are never the same. My stamina lately is troublesome.

I think stress pays a role in that. It is hard for me to work full time in a stressful situation. My every minute literally is accounted for when I am working. That alone can be stressful. In this recession I am happy to have a job.

I worry that my niece sounded sad tonight. It is so hard not to be able to hug her when her voice sounds like she needs a hug. The sad truth is that we are too far away to have any real input in her life. We have accepted that but it is not easy. I just have to hope and pray that the frequent letters and cards we send let her know that she is loved. I believe knowing you are loved can make a huge difference in someone's life.

Another quote for my book of favorites

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~~~ Rumi

Sunny Sunday

Today is Sunday. We had a very relaxing Saturday here and I got a lot of paperwork done. Went through my files and purged a lot of things. When I have other things in my life organized it makes everything go smoother. We played games on the computer, watched a movie and had a very layed back day which is just what I needed. It rained most of the day reminants of the hurricane and our lawn just soaked it up. Today is beautiful, sunny and about 83. I have been working on the journal pics and links along with the help of my patient husband. I wanted to post a picture that I bought from the wonderful person and artist, Judith HeartSong. If you click the picture it takes you to her website with her work. She takes the most beautiful photos and I who simply love flowers cannot see enough of them. I saw a movie several years ago and in it there was a speech about sunflowers. How they turned their heads towards the sun to soak up as much light as possible. It was inspirational and since then they have had special meaning to me. When I saw this painting I wanted it so badly. It hangs proudly in my living room and some day I hope to have more paintings by this artist. She also writes a journal about her travels and her volunteer experiences from the zoo. Never a dull moment!

I am experiencing another laid back day today. Might lounge outside a bit. I love watching the birds stop at the feeder and then the bird bath. For my birthday Rob bought me the most wonderful bird bath. If you click the link you can see one on their website. It's like a work of art and simply beautiful. It is made by a company "Burely Clay" who also had many other beautiful things at the garden center where I purchased the birdbath. And now a fitting quote

"And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play in your hair." ~~~Khalil Gibran

September 4...a meaningful day

Yesterday was September 4th. It has a lot of meaning for me. It has always been the birthday of my only aunt. (I had many great aunts but only one actual sibling to a parent.) She had always been important in my life. She is actually about the same age difference to my mother as me. My mother was an only child for many years. Growing up we lived in my grandmother's house for many years while my Dad was in the Navy and I always thought of my aunt as an older sister. She was very cool and still is a lot of fun.



September 4th is also the day my son was diagnosed with leukemia at age 16. It has been over a decade since the diagnosis but I still feel a bit shakey on that day. I remember so many details.

It was the day after Labor Day and I remember looking out the window of the hospital room seeing the children going to school for the first day. My son never got to attend one day of his junior year. His days that year consisted of heavy rounds of chemo. He had chemo for the next three and a half years after diagnosis. To this day when I see the school buses coming that first day my eyes well with tears. My son seems to be the picture of health, at least physically. I do feel he has some emotional problems and I think he has come to understand that as well. He is doing much better than he was.



Yesterday was also the anniversary of meeting my friend, Paula. Her son Danny was only 14 in the next hospital room and he had the worse type of leukemia. He fought so valiantly but even after surviving his bone marrow transplant at CHOP he lost the battle. We still think of him and ocassionally I visit his grave. Gone but never forgotten. I will never forget him having someone come to the hospital chapel to confirm him as a Catholic. We had a cake in the children's ward and it was very moving. I will never forget Paula telling me that it was so awkward when new people she met asked how many children she had. If she said four boys then she felt she had to explain that one was no longer living. How would they take their traditional Christmas morning photo with the four boys on four steps? Danny was next to the youngest and his illness had a heavy impact on his younger brother. Paula practically lived at the hospital (as did I) for those first few months. You were just too afraid that your child (adolescent) might need you and you wouldn't be there. All the while we were trying to support other parents whose children like ours going in and out of remission. (My son went into remission but went in very late. His prognosis was double high risk and his expected survival rate for 5 years was 30%.) He made it and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for getting us all through that difficult time.



Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment to have some skin tags removed. While there the doctor confirmed that I had a skin cancer on my back. He removed it for a biopsy and when he gets the results I will need the area excised. I do not look forward to that as I have had this done on my chest. I am hoping this is the same type I had earlier which caught early is no problem at all.

Well, time to go find an outfit and head off to work. Hope you have a great weekend!

Catching up on Rest

Today I had to stay home from work. I rarely do that but I was groggy from the meds and my pain was still there. Even though I took meds throughout the day at time the muscle spasms were really painful.

Took less of the muscle relaxer in the hopes I can make work tomorrow. Because I stayed home today I won't get paid for the Labor Day holiday and with losing today that is another day's pay lost (unless I use my time I have which is little.) We don't get time off approved without having it to use so sometimes people don't request pay for their sick days. I get 10 hours each MONTH for everything; sickness, vacation etc. That basically means by the time I use what I need for doctor visits, dental visits and sickness there is no time for vacation days.

Well time for bed. Please whisper a prayer that I can make it to work tomorrow.

Monday, Monday Can't Trust That Day..............

Does anyone remember the Mamas and Papas big hit with that song?
For the past several days I have been surviving with back pain. It all started last Thursday kind of out of the blue but I had felt some muscle tension in my back for awhile. Well, last night it overtook me and I knew I had to get medical attention today. My regular internist was closed so I had to find a medical walk in clinic. After paying my copay the doctor (his name was Ghandi) told me that he was afraid that it might be my heart. Oh please not this I thought. If I have a stubbed toe they suspect my heart is to blame. He did an EKG and admitted that there were no changes from the old one I brought with me. However the place I had the pain he felt was indicative of a possible heart problem. I knew what was coming and he sent me to the ER. Oh how I hate spending my paid holidays in the ER and this is the second one this year. LOVED the ER doctor though. Really. He immediately felt the huge knot in my back and said that although he thought I might be right we had to eliminate other possibilities. I was whisked off for xrays and of couse loved pointing out my wires and parts to the xray tech who is always taken aback.
These people were absolutely wonderful. All except for the ER nurse who stuck me FOUR times to get an iv going. Burned like a bee sting. Again and again and the final one was done with a tiny butterfly in a vein in my tiny hand. Again ouch. Tests showed that I was okay except for the back muscle spasms I was no having. I laid on my tiny ER bed for nearly six hours. Had a nice flat screen TV to watch and more importantly, my angel of mercy Rob was by my side. Even when the doctor said I MIGHT have a blood clot in my lung and my heart nearly stopped he just glanced at the monitors and told me things were fine. Have I mentioned his goatee has turned gray? Seriously all in the last year or so. Well, I am home now with pain meds and muscle relaxers. I hate pain meds, I really do. I have to be coherent at all times, or at least believe that I am. The doctor gave me a note to stay home from work for two days but I cannot possibly afford to do that. I just ran up another $130 plus in copays today. Although I am not happy to be in pain I thank my Heavenly Father that it was nothing serious. Hope your Labor Day was more enjoyable than mine although time spent with my baby is always good.

Happy Anniversary

Today is my sixth anniversary.

Happy Anniversary Rob and thank you.

Thank you for the times you held me as I cried. We have been through a lot together in our six years. Losing your Dad and later your baby sister, my heart surgery and struggling to pay bills on one salary for several years afterwards. Difficulties with friends, a move from one home to another and so much more. Through it all there was never one moment of doubt that you loved me. Although I shared my life with someone else for over twenty years I never felt the way you make me feel, secure and loved. I can never thank you enough for that or for restoring my faith that there are good people, trustworthy people in the world. While we give cards and sometimes gifts and mark the day by a nice dinner out in my heart I am grateful every day for the gift of your love.

You're the best.

In the words of the Stylistics

" You are everything and everything is you."

The best is yet to come baby.

More Changes

This week I went over to see my neighbor Shirley, who is organizing a surprise brunch this morning for her parents' 50th anniversary. When I saw her I was in awe of her beautifu new haircut. She informed me that it was a special day first haircut half price with a new operator. I have not had my hair that short in so many years but it was so pretty I decided to give it a whirl.
I had gone to this particular salon many years ago but stopped going because their prices were high. What I discovered was some things are worth it. My hair has not had a good cut or color since I have changed and to be honest, the cheaper salons start out cheap but raise their prices to the point I am now paying the same as I was. Difference is the quality of the hair color and cut I have been receiving. I went and met Michelle who was a real sweetheart and she spent no less than an entire hour cutting my hair. After covering the gray I hope to get a good picture of it to post. I have never received so many compliments on a hair cut. Even men have stopped me to remark how good it looks, which is rare for me.

I have been feeling so much better lately and enjoying that immensely. Not only did I get my work hours changed to the best shift 9-5:30 but the past few weeks call volume has been slow and I had the opportunity to take one day each week off. Of course this is "volunteer" and I do not get paid and my check was down significantly BUT that extra time combined with my new shift has me feeling ever so much better. I think that the extra time off will end this week but it has done me a world of good. The attrition rate where I work is so high. This week I said goodbye to another two coworkers. Still I am with some people who started the same day that I did. On October 22 less than two months away I will have been here a year. My job is not an easy one but this is the best pay I have ever received, the medical benefits are great, the workplace is nice and the cafeteria is "world class". I am hoping to be there for a time longer. Especially while making my car payments.

Did everyone see Obama's speech? It has been YEARS since I watched a political speech with such interest. I enjoyed it and across the screen they were saying it was the anniversary of Martin Luther King's speech. How appropriate. I kept thinking "Dr. King, if only you could see this tonight. You dreamt where a person would not be judged by the color of their skin and tonight this man is being judged on the content of his character. Your dream, at least in part, has come true." An African American being nominated for President. Wow. I really love Michelle Obama, what a classy, intelligent and attractive lady. We got into a discussion at work. A young black man said he would not vote for Obama because he was "pro abortion". I told him he was pro choice NOT pro abortion, there is a distinction to be made. I told him that most people are ignorant about abortion. Look what happened during prohibition. You can outlaw it but there will be people who will have illegal abortions and perahaps die as a result. People try to simplify the issues. Although I could personally never have an abortion, I cannot make that choice for someone else. Until I am ready to raise the child for the person who feels they cannot, I don't feel it's my choice to make. Having said that, I find it morally reprehensible to use abortion as a form of birth control. I'm sorry but I don't think anyone who has the wealth of McCain or Bush can understand what it is like for me, struggling to pay bills. They cannot imagine what it's like to make a decision to fill a necessary prescription or put gas in their car. I have had to make those decisions in the last few years. I refuse to vote on ONE issue. I want the government to have people who truly care about it's citizens. I want our country to have nationalized health care. I understand that there are issues with it but everyone deserves medical attention when they need it. With my job I spend about $170 most months for medical. I then spend hundreds more on doctor visit copays, prescription copays or emergency room copays. At least 30% of my salary is going for medical costs. The rest is going for ever rising utilites, food and gas. In the past year my costs for those things have gone up so much my raise couldn't come near keeping pace.
In the meantime the executives of those companies received outrageous bonuses. Even my wealthier friends are saying how much things have gone up. Right now I have two friends who will no doubt lose their homes in the next six months unless they find someone to bail them out.
I think we need a big change in this country and I am going to do my small part to effect it.

Kicking Back a Bit

This week I was fortunate to get Friday off work. When workload is light some of us are allowed to take the day off, unpaid of course. I jumped at the chance. (Dismissing thoughts of new couch which had been ordered but not yet paid for, or car repairs being done on Monday). My friend and her husband came about four p.m. on Friday. They said they were staying for the whole weekend but ended up leaving on Saturday. My friend is usually able to drink and hold her liquor. Not sure why but Friday night after a few margaritas she was not feeling well. She tossed her cookies several times and once there was a mess to clean up in my guest room. Her husband was now glued to the tv watching the olympics so that job fell to me. Ugh. She did come with dinner in hand, chicken breasts for the grill, tomatoes from her garden which were delicious and even cheesecake for dessert. Did I mention Patron tequilla? Whew.
On Saturday she woke up at 6:30 and went downstairs for a snack. That of course set my dog wanting to be investigate and we were woken up. My house is a difficult house to entertain in.
There is no family room or den, just a small living room with the tv in it. When a guest takes the remote and puts on what they want there is no other place for others to have quiet unless they go outside. The kitchen has a partial wall and is completely open to the living room so you cannot really have a conversation there when the tv is loud. I am not a fan of sports on tv and I found myself doing things like laundry to avoid that room. Later we did go out for a nice lunch and popped into a few stores. Got some nice soaps for sale. I also splurged on some "hotel quality"....make that 5 star hotel quality sheets. Over the past few years I have had the worst sheets. I have a thick mattress and some don't accomodate that. These have deep pockets and I just put them on the bed. Tonight I shall luxuriate on cotton sateen sheets with a very high thread count. On yes, life is good. I am enjoying a quiet Sunday at home and tonight the luxury of cotton sateen. Does it get better than this? :)

Just another brick in the wall

Somedays are so repetitious that I want to scream. Then come the weekends and I fantasize about what will happen and it is very far from the reality of what does happen. The dog wakes us up by 7 a.m. For the life of me I don't know how anyone else is able to sleep late who has a pet but Duffy breathes heavy and whines. By the time I get up and go downstairs to let him outside I am now fully awake. I never can get a nap because later in the day the neighborhood kids are out there making a ton of noise. This neighborhood has the most kids I have ever seen. Note to self never buy another house in the winter months when you can't judge this. I am more and more thinking my next purchase will be in an adult community. Not that I dislike children but at my stage of life when I don't have little ones the noise is distracting from my senior activities such as reading books or gardening. Neighbors drop by which causes Duffy the Lunatic to swing into action. He barks and growls and then said neighbors rarely want to come inside. This defeats the purpose of them coming I think.

I received a disturbing email this week from a family member (sort of). In it they accused me of not appreciating my husband followed by another offensive remark. I appreciate my husband immensely. People are so quick to judge others. They have no idea what it's like to work a stressful job and rush home and then deal with dinner on the table, greeting the pets, having someone at the door and their phone call. I need a bit of downtime and sometimes my darling who has been home two hours already loses sight of that. He tries to make my arrival a welcoming time but sometimes one just needs to slither into the comfy chair and regroup.
(Author of email frequently refers to hubby's childhood home as his home. His home (by his choice) has been here in NJ with me the last eight years and he has emphasized this many times with this being ignored.)

I have ordered a sofa which is not beautiful as my last new sofa I ordered was. This was chosen for comfort and quality. I am hoping we will really enjoy it. We picked a fabric and it will be another two months before we can take delivery. It is hard when you are also working around other items in the room colorwise. My chair and a half is gold, eggplant and a brownish/green and the sofa will be a brownish gold quality fabric. I would rather buy something once of quality than replace several inexpensive items over and over.

I am tired and heading to the shower. Trying to get my mind ready to return to work after a three day weekend this week. Next weekend we are having houseguests, my friend and her husband. They are bringing plants and going to do some gardening work for me that I have not been able to do. Looking forward to that. There are just not enough visits with friends these days.

Doing the Right Thing

Today I did something I never expected I would have done. I accompanied my ex spouse to a doctor for a visit. He began having memory difficulties twenty years ago after what was probably a partial complex seizure. Since then his short term memory has been problematic.
He also began having some violent outbursts shortly afterwards. When he has seen doctors he has not been able to relate the things that he cannot remember. I offered to go and fill that in for him at his new neurologist today and I did.

What is interesting is the feedback I have received from others. Some praised me for being so kind to someone who in the past didn't show me much kindness. Others said I should have named a price to do this for him and guaranteed I would get something back out of it. That is just not me. I did mention to him today that as part of my divorce settlement I was getting his life insurance. When he retires in two days the value of what it was at my divorce will be reduced by 90%. He never told the lawyer that the policy would drop to that when he retired. Several years ago I would have come completely unhinged by this. Today I am a mellower person. I brought this to his attention and I am hoping he may do something to compensate me for this, if not then so be it. I cannot give him the power to make my life miserable. I won't do that to myself.

I am so tired. Although I love having an extra day off of work the ten and a half hour days are so long and tiring. I would prefer a five day week instead. Going to see if I can get something done about that.
Time for bed and hopefully a good night's sleep.