Sunday, July 29, 2012

Growing Pains?

When we were kids and felt angst over anything my mother said we were having "growing pains." This always stuck with me for some odd reason. I am having these now.

I have always been an "open book" but as I get sicker and learn more about the medicine that didn't work and what my lab tests reveal I find that I am wanting to be more private about this personal information. I deleted my Facebook at first. Days later I removed about fifty people and reactivated it (this is the one I had set up for work and some old friends found it.) There is currently a lot of people I went to school with sending me invites to be friends but for the first time I want more privacy.

There are many issues going on. My mother has not called or spoken to me in three weeks because she didn't like how I responded to some accusations she made against me. Things that happened over a dozen years ago and to me are ancient history are things she wants to question my character about now. Sorry, I am not going to have that. I am a grown woman. I don't beat her over the head over things she did that I didn't like and she will have to learn to be respectful or we won't be communicating. She knows what I am going through and seems unconcerned. I do believe a part of her is in denial but come on.....enough already.
I have several neighbors who are in a financial crisis. One for certain is losing her home. They hint for help and a part of me wants to help them but I am struggling myself. Also, when I speak with them they have just gone out to dinner or done something that I don't do when money is in short supply. Gas is over three dollars a gallon and I try to plan my trips and many days stay home just to avoid spending money. One of them will think nothing of driving over an hour each way. Sorry but to me these are not things that make me want to help you. I have never counted on anyone to help me out financially. So many people feel entitled to that help.

My new medicine is causing me to have sleep disorders. Rob tells me that I am moody. I feel somewhat moody but not sure it's the  medicine exactly. I think it's more that I need to use my energy to deal with all the things I have learned. If my new medicine doesn't work I am in serious trouble in the not so distant future. My PH remains in the severe category. Lab tests show my heart is under a great strain from it. I just want to enjoy my husband, son, pets and garden. I just want some peace and serenity. I feel like George Costanza (a Seinfeld character) who gets highly agitated and screams "Serenity now!" Don't misunderstand......I welcome friends to confide in me and sometimes hearing their problems is a good distraction from my own. That's not a neighbor wanting you to help them out in a financial way. Well, I am going to finish cleaning up the kitchen. It rained last night and a bit today but the sun is out now, filling the kitchen with light. Chef Rob is going to make us chicken piccata for dinner. Yummy. I will make linguine to go with it and a cucumber salad. I love fine dining in the privacy of our own home. We will put on music and have candles and a glass of white wine. Hope you do something that feeds your spirit.


alphawoman said...

Nelle, I think of you often and pray that your health stabilizes. i am so sorry about all the medications and all the stress.

Virginia said...

You are right that its important to just focus on taking care of YOU!


I am so sorry about you and your mom. My mom and I have had rough patches through the years too. It's hard, I know. I learned long ago you can't save the world. Sometimes you have to put yourself first. We were in dire straits a while back, but this temporary job has changed that, at least til it ends. Last week we found ourselves with both cars in the shop and a big bill. What would we have done if he wasn't working? certainly nobody would have bailed us out. You have to fend for yourself. No body should feel a sense of entitlement. I know your health is not good. And you're right that is a drain on your very being. SERENITY now... sounds like a plan. take in all the beauty around you and simply enjoy your todays. you are in my prayers.