Tonight something wonderful is happening. We get an extra hour of sleep.......at least in theory. Not sure my animals will note the difference in the morning.
I had a stressful week. Much more hectic than usual and a test on four chapters of material on Tuesday. I passed but not by a great margin. This concerns me. Today was my Saturday off but I was in such discomfort with my hip and back that I was not able to study. I was able to nap a bit on the sofa but the phone woke me up. There was a tiff in my family this week that lead to many irritating phone calls. I invited a sibling and his spouse over for dinner along with my parents to celebrate my father's birthday. The spouse felt that my menu (homemade macaroni and cheese with smoked sausage, salad and a birthday cake) did not provide a main course. I offered to make one dish without the smoked sausage but she felt I needed to also bake a ham.
I did not feel that was necessary. They didn't want to come which lead my parents inviting them out to dinner. We were also invited but they went an hour before my husband got home from work. My mother said I could come alone but I chose not to. Now I am viewed as the difficult one. I have had discussions with both my parents in the past few days telling both of them that they have made vast differences in the treatments of their sons than that of the daughters. They both agree but continue to do so. Several of my friends have recommended that I distance myself from my parents. Whenever they need anyone I am the one who is called but their favors are to their three sons. This pattern has perpetuated itself my entire life. It's hurtful and it has become too much to bear when I have other issues, particularly that of my health. My sister is also having health issues right now and they rarely even phone her. I have explained things until I am sick of having to even think of it. They admit that they have doled out money to their sons and that they have done little for their daughters. Still, nothing changes. Although I feel guilty not helping them it might come to that at some point. I am only human and am still trying to understand how one minute I am inviting them here and the next minute they are taking the others out to dinner and we are not even in the picture.
I have made up my mind that I am not going to spend any more time thinking about this. I have much to do with my course, with trying to adjust to a change in my medication and trying to help do something to alleviate this pain. If it persists I am afraid I will be making a trip to the ER.
Amid all this unplesantness, Rob has worked many hours of overtime this week. With the holidays coming it will be a huge help. Tonight he came out tired but took me to the opening of a wonderful new store, The Christmas Tree Shop. Many bargains. The holidays are coming and I am only going to focus on those who care for me. Those who want to be hurtful will find themselves out of the loop. Life is too short.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
The Tag
Sometimes you read something in another blog and it touches you so deeply......and you remember what the impact of another's life or words have on you. Today I felt that when I read Judith HeartSong's entry......it ended with her realizing that she had worth. I am so grateful to know that I have worth. That I am loved and cherished by someone whose love I can return. There was a time when I never believed that I could or would believe in love again.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Reading and thinking.....
On Friday my boss asked me to tidy up our conference room which had dozens of magazines in it. I noticed a few Smithsonians, some New Yorkers and a Time Magazine which I brought home to read. Yesterday after work I opened some and began to read through them all. I read an article in Time about Guantanamo Bay and then an article in The New Yorker about the same subject, while interviewing one of the attorneys representing one of the men who commited suicide. It left me very upset and sad. What disturbed me most was that when the prisoners are on hunger strikes they are being fed with tubes which many doctors say are much larger than those used by doctors in this country. They are of the opinion that these tubes are inhumane.
The articles clearly draw speculation that many of these prisoners do not belong there. One article mentioned that flyers were handed out in terrorist areas promising to make the ones who turned in the suspected terrorists rich. Of course while you might expect some terrorists to claim innocence it seems that lawyers did a lot of homework and feel that many truly are.
I sent my son home with these magazines today so I cannot make quotes or use the names. I had watched a special last night with a comedian. He was saying that he felt Bush was guilty of saying the stupidest thing any president every said "Bring it on" which was addressed to the terrorists. (The comedian, Louis Black, was born and raised in Silver Spring, Maryland. I was born in neighboring Bethesda and spent the first ten plus years of my life in Silver Spring.) I am impressed that so many attorneys from firms have taken it on themselves to try to help these people. I have a lot of respect for these humanitarians. I do not respect how the Bush administration has handled this situation at all.
I have a very hectic week coming up. The next four days will be so hectic. I hoped to relax today but had an unexpected visit from my son. I put all the things I had scheduled on hold. I did manage to get groceries (with Rob's help.) Tomorrow I need another blood test. It's a pain to be on blood thinners. When they fluctuate too high or too low adjustments must be made. Mine have been too high lately and I who never bruised looked like I took a beating with a Louisville slugger. I am happy to have them reduced but for the next few weeks that means blood tests every two weeks instead of every month. How I hate needles. You would think I would be used to them. At least I no longer faint but I still do not like them.
Today we bought an artificial pre-lit Christmas tree. Of course a real tree is better but when you have two pets it's difficult. The dog might be tempted to hike his leg on it and the cat even attempts to shimmy up the fake trees. Last year my old tree shorted out. I tried to fix the lights and then in complete disgust threw out the old tree. This one is a slim which is perfect for our small living room. I look forward to Christmas. It's the only time of year I get to see my one brother and his family. Although they live only twenty miles away, there is always something going on with their teenagers or with his wife's family. It's only Christmas Eve that we really see them. It makes it extra special.
The leaves are falling and I am liking the brisk Autumn air but I miss the sunshine. The days are getting darker earlier and I know that next week I will be adjusting to the time change.
Best of all I feel more and more like my presurgery self. I am back in the thick of it and loving it.
The articles clearly draw speculation that many of these prisoners do not belong there. One article mentioned that flyers were handed out in terrorist areas promising to make the ones who turned in the suspected terrorists rich. Of course while you might expect some terrorists to claim innocence it seems that lawyers did a lot of homework and feel that many truly are.
I sent my son home with these magazines today so I cannot make quotes or use the names. I had watched a special last night with a comedian. He was saying that he felt Bush was guilty of saying the stupidest thing any president every said "Bring it on" which was addressed to the terrorists. (The comedian, Louis Black, was born and raised in Silver Spring, Maryland. I was born in neighboring Bethesda and spent the first ten plus years of my life in Silver Spring.) I am impressed that so many attorneys from firms have taken it on themselves to try to help these people. I have a lot of respect for these humanitarians. I do not respect how the Bush administration has handled this situation at all.
I have a very hectic week coming up. The next four days will be so hectic. I hoped to relax today but had an unexpected visit from my son. I put all the things I had scheduled on hold. I did manage to get groceries (with Rob's help.) Tomorrow I need another blood test. It's a pain to be on blood thinners. When they fluctuate too high or too low adjustments must be made. Mine have been too high lately and I who never bruised looked like I took a beating with a Louisville slugger. I am happy to have them reduced but for the next few weeks that means blood tests every two weeks instead of every month. How I hate needles. You would think I would be used to them. At least I no longer faint but I still do not like them.
Today we bought an artificial pre-lit Christmas tree. Of course a real tree is better but when you have two pets it's difficult. The dog might be tempted to hike his leg on it and the cat even attempts to shimmy up the fake trees. Last year my old tree shorted out. I tried to fix the lights and then in complete disgust threw out the old tree. This one is a slim which is perfect for our small living room. I look forward to Christmas. It's the only time of year I get to see my one brother and his family. Although they live only twenty miles away, there is always something going on with their teenagers or with his wife's family. It's only Christmas Eve that we really see them. It makes it extra special.
The leaves are falling and I am liking the brisk Autumn air but I miss the sunshine. The days are getting darker earlier and I know that next week I will be adjusting to the time change.
Best of all I feel more and more like my presurgery self. I am back in the thick of it and loving it.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Letting Go
I spent several hours on the phone last night and again this morning with my friend who is finding it difficult to let go of her former relationship. Why is it so hard for us women to let go? Even when we know a relationship is painful, sometimes toxic, we second guess ourselves for years to come. For some reason we have this hope that the man (who was clueless throughout the entire long term relationship) is going to have a moment of awakening and tell us he is sorry for everything he ever did. (An admission of being less than perfect would be enough for some.)
The sad reality is that the man thinks that any woman who left him is a bitch. End of story.They don't give a thought to the reality that they were content with the status quo when their wife perceived her existence as a caretaker. No matter how many times the woman may have tried to communicate her feelings of frustration and felt they fell on deaf ears, the man will say he never knew she felt that way. All they can think of is that their needs are no longer being met.
The woman is often beating herself up for not having been able to enlighten him. Often during the divorce process, or after, she is calling him on the phone trying desperately to have him admit that he was less than perfect. This is where one must be realistic. Had he been able to do that in the first place you probably wouldn't be at this point. I told my friend she simply has to accept that she cannot get blood from a rock. This man has never admitted in his forty something years on Earth that he made a mistake in any case. Surely, he won't break precedence now.
As a woman, I wish that we could take on more of the man's attitude. They don't agonize over love lost. (I admit there are some men who do but they are the exceptions.) As I was telling myself we need to validate ourselves more and stop relying on the former lovers to do it for us. We don't need approval for getting out of a toxic relationship. Instead of questioning ourselves we should be patting ourselves on the back. I have gone through two divorces with close friends recently.
Please don't read something into this that I hate men. I love men. I really do (the good ones that is.) It's just that so many of them (especially the ones over forty) feel relationships are a one way street. Far too many are cut from that same cloth where if they bring home a paycheck they have met their obligations. In a world where the partners also work for the most part, the main responsibilities for running a house, raising the children, and caring for the pets falls upon one person. That person is rarely the man.
Life is short. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is but a dream, all we truly have is today. We need to wake up each morning and give ourselves our own strokes. Life is hard. We can only take responsibility for our own actions, not those of others. I only wish I had known what I know now at 30. I can't go back and change it. I can only move forward and savor the days I have now.
Today I should be studying but instead I am going to go shopping and buy myself something new to wear to work. I deserve it. Give yourself some props today.
"I can be changed by what happens to me
But I refuse to be reduced by it. ~ Maya Angelou
The sad reality is that the man thinks that any woman who left him is a bitch. End of story.They don't give a thought to the reality that they were content with the status quo when their wife perceived her existence as a caretaker. No matter how many times the woman may have tried to communicate her feelings of frustration and felt they fell on deaf ears, the man will say he never knew she felt that way. All they can think of is that their needs are no longer being met.
The woman is often beating herself up for not having been able to enlighten him. Often during the divorce process, or after, she is calling him on the phone trying desperately to have him admit that he was less than perfect. This is where one must be realistic. Had he been able to do that in the first place you probably wouldn't be at this point. I told my friend she simply has to accept that she cannot get blood from a rock. This man has never admitted in his forty something years on Earth that he made a mistake in any case. Surely, he won't break precedence now.
As a woman, I wish that we could take on more of the man's attitude. They don't agonize over love lost. (I admit there are some men who do but they are the exceptions.) As I was telling myself we need to validate ourselves more and stop relying on the former lovers to do it for us. We don't need approval for getting out of a toxic relationship. Instead of questioning ourselves we should be patting ourselves on the back. I have gone through two divorces with close friends recently.
Please don't read something into this that I hate men. I love men. I really do (the good ones that is.) It's just that so many of them (especially the ones over forty) feel relationships are a one way street. Far too many are cut from that same cloth where if they bring home a paycheck they have met their obligations. In a world where the partners also work for the most part, the main responsibilities for running a house, raising the children, and caring for the pets falls upon one person. That person is rarely the man.
Life is short. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is but a dream, all we truly have is today. We need to wake up each morning and give ourselves our own strokes. Life is hard. We can only take responsibility for our own actions, not those of others. I only wish I had known what I know now at 30. I can't go back and change it. I can only move forward and savor the days I have now.
Today I should be studying but instead I am going to go shopping and buy myself something new to wear to work. I deserve it. Give yourself some props today.
"I can be changed by what happens to me
But I refuse to be reduced by it. ~ Maya Angelou
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Do Do Do Do Do Do Feeling Groovy..................
I am enjoying my two days home this weekend. So much it's almost indescribable. Yesterday and today I slept over an hour later than usual. Yesterday I got a lot of cleaning accomplished, and groceries purchased. Cleaned out a few closets. Had a relaxing evening and today I got up baked banana bread and brownies. The weather is invigorating! Sunny with an Autumn chill.
I am feeling much better about things these days. I have my own computer (although people do use it when I am not there) and my desk. I have a drawer in which I can leave some items. It's so great to have a small space that feels private when in a work environment. Things that were problems have been resolved. The owner of our company is both insightful and diplomatic.
As we all know, the real estate market which was once red hot has cooled but there is still activity. As our course instructor points out, it's not as rough as when interest rates were 18%.
Can't imagine having been through that. I am not sure that my licensed will be used as an active agent. Just having it makes me more useful to my office as New Jersey has clear restrictions on non licensed people giving out information of any kind.
I have finally begun reading again. It's simply wonderful to enjoy that once forgotten pleasure.
I am currently reading a book called Sex Over Fifty. This was given to me by one of my friends at my 50th birthday party. I read a passage of it to my husband last night as he was watching the hockey game. Seriously, this was almost soft core porn. I guess the author figures he will titillate people with his writings and they will think his book a success. When I finish reading this book I will be reading White Oleander by Janet Fitch after reading Cynthia's review of it in her journal, A Crazy Quilt Life. She has a great blog and often writes about books that I later read. I used to get the New York Times and make a list each week of books I wanted to read. About seven years ago I stopped for financial reasons. Now I am starting to read again. I feel so alive. It's incredible compared to how I felt last year at this time. I find I am sleeping better and my mind is clearer. The memory problems do exist but I am just studying more to compensate for them.
This is my favorite season. I cannot say how much I love the Fall. The leaves falling is something I have loved since a small child. We live near many apple orchards and you can go and pick your own. I don't have time for that but I can go and buy the freshly picked ones. They have the cider freshly made and even donuts made from the cider. The trees are simply breathtaking right now. I drive down the road slowly on my way to work soaking it all in. I wish I could have all my internet friends over for coffee on the patio. Just to share the beauty in my world.
Speaking of internet friends, thank you Jennifer (my blogging mentor) for setting up my journal so that I could have paragraphs. You're the best. You and Walter.
Also: thanks to Angel for this tag. She is so talented and so generous with her talents! (Not able to upload the tag at this moment but I will try again!)
I am feeling much better about things these days. I have my own computer (although people do use it when I am not there) and my desk. I have a drawer in which I can leave some items. It's so great to have a small space that feels private when in a work environment. Things that were problems have been resolved. The owner of our company is both insightful and diplomatic.
As we all know, the real estate market which was once red hot has cooled but there is still activity. As our course instructor points out, it's not as rough as when interest rates were 18%.
Can't imagine having been through that. I am not sure that my licensed will be used as an active agent. Just having it makes me more useful to my office as New Jersey has clear restrictions on non licensed people giving out information of any kind.
I have finally begun reading again. It's simply wonderful to enjoy that once forgotten pleasure.
I am currently reading a book called Sex Over Fifty. This was given to me by one of my friends at my 50th birthday party. I read a passage of it to my husband last night as he was watching the hockey game. Seriously, this was almost soft core porn. I guess the author figures he will titillate people with his writings and they will think his book a success. When I finish reading this book I will be reading White Oleander by Janet Fitch after reading Cynthia's review of it in her journal, A Crazy Quilt Life. She has a great blog and often writes about books that I later read. I used to get the New York Times and make a list each week of books I wanted to read. About seven years ago I stopped for financial reasons. Now I am starting to read again. I feel so alive. It's incredible compared to how I felt last year at this time. I find I am sleeping better and my mind is clearer. The memory problems do exist but I am just studying more to compensate for them.
This is my favorite season. I cannot say how much I love the Fall. The leaves falling is something I have loved since a small child. We live near many apple orchards and you can go and pick your own. I don't have time for that but I can go and buy the freshly picked ones. They have the cider freshly made and even donuts made from the cider. The trees are simply breathtaking right now. I drive down the road slowly on my way to work soaking it all in. I wish I could have all my internet friends over for coffee on the patio. Just to share the beauty in my world.
Speaking of internet friends, thank you Jennifer (my blogging mentor) for setting up my journal so that I could have paragraphs. You're the best. You and Walter.
Also: thanks to Angel for this tag. She is so talented and so generous with her talents! (Not able to upload the tag at this moment but I will try again!)
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Frazzled
Today is a Thursday. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I am here trying to study. Notice I said trying. Even though I have asked family and friends not to phone me or drop by, they still seem compelled to do so. I have the attention span of a gnat these days. I don't know if it's age, physical conditions, or mental problems. Perhaps C: all of the above. I only know that the slightest thing is a major distraction for me, breaking my flow of thoughts. At times I feel that I have bitten off more than I can chew. For the first time in my life I have missed scheduled dental and doctor appointments. Some days I am in such a hurry, I don't even check my calendar, which has always been a morning ritual. I just can't seem to get it together with this course. I was an A student.
Is this what happens when estrogen flees from your body? I don't think the fact that I am menopausal is insignificant.
Today I have a full plate, as usual. I have been up since 6:45. I have fed the pets, cleaned the kitchen after breakfast, made the bed and studied ONE of two chapters. Retained perhaps 50% of the facts, and calculated my math problems incorrectly. I who tutored others in algebra. I am now taking a break before showering. After that I have to drive to Rob's work, pick up his check and drive to the bank where we have an emergency savings account. I will cash both our checks there and then drive to the bank where we have our (free) checking account to deposit the cash. That covers the mortgage check I had to mail yesterday. After that I will return home attempting to absorb the next chapter and finish the review for 15 chapters (Lord help me!)
About 3, I have to leave for the cardiologist. I will then have to face the music for totally missing my last appointment, for the little change in my cholesterol and weight......and he wonders why there are times I need tranquilizers. I really like this doctor. I have a lot of faith in him and truly believe had I not found him when I did I would most likely not be here now. He is very serious and when he gives orders he expects them to be followed........to the letter. I get that. Part of me appreciates that. Another part thinks that he doesn't understand how hard it is to incorporate all of this into a stressed out, little time for relaxation life.
When I leave the cardiologist I will go to school where I will be quizzed. Not sure if my carpooling buddy will be going tonight. She went on Tuesday but was sick and has been out of work all week until today. The Woody Allen aspect of my personality is wondering if she is showering me with germs in the shared vehicle.
I cannot create paragraphs today. I could barely get onto Blog Spot. Sorry for my continuous flow of words here. It's not that I didn't want paragraphs.....it's just that I couldn't. (Inability to create paragraphs is just another one of those menopausal symptoms. Love ~ jennifer.)
Okay time to kick it up a notch and take my shower. Those ten or fifteen minutes are often the most relaxing part of my day. Although to be honest, there are days I can't fit that in either!
Did I mention that my final exam will be the Tuesday after Thanksgiving? God give me strength. Seriously.
Is this what happens when estrogen flees from your body? I don't think the fact that I am menopausal is insignificant.
Today I have a full plate, as usual. I have been up since 6:45. I have fed the pets, cleaned the kitchen after breakfast, made the bed and studied ONE of two chapters. Retained perhaps 50% of the facts, and calculated my math problems incorrectly. I who tutored others in algebra. I am now taking a break before showering. After that I have to drive to Rob's work, pick up his check and drive to the bank where we have an emergency savings account. I will cash both our checks there and then drive to the bank where we have our (free) checking account to deposit the cash. That covers the mortgage check I had to mail yesterday. After that I will return home attempting to absorb the next chapter and finish the review for 15 chapters (Lord help me!)
About 3, I have to leave for the cardiologist. I will then have to face the music for totally missing my last appointment, for the little change in my cholesterol and weight......and he wonders why there are times I need tranquilizers. I really like this doctor. I have a lot of faith in him and truly believe had I not found him when I did I would most likely not be here now. He is very serious and when he gives orders he expects them to be followed........to the letter. I get that. Part of me appreciates that. Another part thinks that he doesn't understand how hard it is to incorporate all of this into a stressed out, little time for relaxation life.
When I leave the cardiologist I will go to school where I will be quizzed. Not sure if my carpooling buddy will be going tonight. She went on Tuesday but was sick and has been out of work all week until today. The Woody Allen aspect of my personality is wondering if she is showering me with germs in the shared vehicle.
I cannot create paragraphs today. I could barely get onto Blog Spot. Sorry for my continuous flow of words here. It's not that I didn't want paragraphs.....it's just that I couldn't. (Inability to create paragraphs is just another one of those menopausal symptoms. Love ~ jennifer.)
Okay time to kick it up a notch and take my shower. Those ten or fifteen minutes are often the most relaxing part of my day. Although to be honest, there are days I can't fit that in either!
Did I mention that my final exam will be the Tuesday after Thanksgiving? God give me strength. Seriously.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Frustration thy name is Verizon
I am hardly able to use my internet connection in the past few days. Actually, all my phone related problems began when Verizon decided to put fiber optic cable in our neighborhood. The first time it rained my phone line hummed so badly I could not hear people on the other end.
When I called them, and they came over a week later, they said there was water in the box (our lines are underground and there is a small tower which contains the wires). They lifted it and when the water ran out the problem appeared to be okay......until the next rain. Next repairman said that the box needed to be lifted higher because this problem would keep recurring. He was correct. It has. Today I made my fourth call to Verizon and listed all the problems I have had. Calls to their DSL customer service told me there was nothing they could do for me. Had to deal with Verizon phone repair. At this point I am giving them a few short days to correct the problem If not corrected I will be switching to a cable connection. That means changing my business address from Verizon. Frankly, Verizon has nailed themselves to the wall with their huge cuts in customer service and now not fixing the problems they are creating by installing new unwanted lines. Not one person I know wants to switch from the present cable company........especially not with the service we receive with our phone problems. Today I couldn't wait for some emails containing pictures to download. Dial up was as quick as what I am currently experiencing for the cost of over $30 per month.
I worked today. It was really rainy and cold. I wanted to stay in bed today but forced myself to crawl out at 9 a.m. I only worked until 2 because I went to a viewing for a coworker's mother. This stoic woman lived to be 94 and until her last year she lived quite a life. Her daughter is a lovely woman and a great example of caring for others.
My sinuses are really bothering me with all the damp weather. I was put on antibiotics to try to get them in order. My blood was way too thin and I had to have that adjusted. I am hoping I will be feeling better with these medicines in check. I have been very tired lately.
I have ordered a few Christmas presents. When the weather cools my mind turns to Christmas and the upcoming holidays. I wish that I could make donations to charities instead of commercial gifts. I am thinking of alternative gifts. My parents will be receiving a small Christmas tree with handmade ornaments containing pictures of their children, grandchildren and two great grandchildren. I am trying to think of something meaningful for my son. My one coworker is not exchanging with anyone in her family this year. She said they do big birthdays but she just couldn't take the commercialism or pressure. Her kids are all grown and resisted at first but now seem to enjoy not being pressured themselves either. It's an interesting idea. Not sure I could get some of my family to get on board with that idea. My son would be most receptive.
My eyes are tired and I think it's time to call it a night. Hoping I can sleep in a bit tomorrow morning. Sweet dreams to us all.........and to all a goodnight.
When I called them, and they came over a week later, they said there was water in the box (our lines are underground and there is a small tower which contains the wires). They lifted it and when the water ran out the problem appeared to be okay......until the next rain. Next repairman said that the box needed to be lifted higher because this problem would keep recurring. He was correct. It has. Today I made my fourth call to Verizon and listed all the problems I have had. Calls to their DSL customer service told me there was nothing they could do for me. Had to deal with Verizon phone repair. At this point I am giving them a few short days to correct the problem If not corrected I will be switching to a cable connection. That means changing my business address from Verizon. Frankly, Verizon has nailed themselves to the wall with their huge cuts in customer service and now not fixing the problems they are creating by installing new unwanted lines. Not one person I know wants to switch from the present cable company........especially not with the service we receive with our phone problems. Today I couldn't wait for some emails containing pictures to download. Dial up was as quick as what I am currently experiencing for the cost of over $30 per month.
I worked today. It was really rainy and cold. I wanted to stay in bed today but forced myself to crawl out at 9 a.m. I only worked until 2 because I went to a viewing for a coworker's mother. This stoic woman lived to be 94 and until her last year she lived quite a life. Her daughter is a lovely woman and a great example of caring for others.
My sinuses are really bothering me with all the damp weather. I was put on antibiotics to try to get them in order. My blood was way too thin and I had to have that adjusted. I am hoping I will be feeling better with these medicines in check. I have been very tired lately.
I have ordered a few Christmas presents. When the weather cools my mind turns to Christmas and the upcoming holidays. I wish that I could make donations to charities instead of commercial gifts. I am thinking of alternative gifts. My parents will be receiving a small Christmas tree with handmade ornaments containing pictures of their children, grandchildren and two great grandchildren. I am trying to think of something meaningful for my son. My one coworker is not exchanging with anyone in her family this year. She said they do big birthdays but she just couldn't take the commercialism or pressure. Her kids are all grown and resisted at first but now seem to enjoy not being pressured themselves either. It's an interesting idea. Not sure I could get some of my family to get on board with that idea. My son would be most receptive.
My eyes are tired and I think it's time to call it a night. Hoping I can sleep in a bit tomorrow morning. Sweet dreams to us all.........and to all a goodnight.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Of sleepless nights and troubling thoughts
I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I can go right to sleep when my head hits the pillow but I wake around 3 or 4 a.m. and lay awake for hours. My mind kicks into high gear at that time. I have so much to worry about right now. I am working and taking a class that requires a lot of studying. I have a midterm this week and am worried about that.
My sister had her surgical procedure and we are now waiting to hear the results of her biopsy. I am giving her the space she wants while trying to be supportive in a way that is acceptable to her. She refuses to worry until she has something concrete to worry about. I am respecting her way of dealing with this.
One of my friends rushed ahead into a relationship that is now throwing up red flags for her. I am walking on eggs, trying to help her sort things out. Her last significant other caused huge problems in our relationship. I want her to be happy and I am concerned that she may hurt this person that she assured she would not.
Rob and I seem to be on different schedules work wise. I work two Saturdays each month and usually he doesn't work on Saturdays. The past few months it seems he has had an opportunity to work,but only on the Saturdays that I have off. Yesterday I went to a craft show with my sister-in-law. When Rob got home we went out for a bite to eat. We are both so tired these days that we flop into bed, passing out when our heads hit the pillow. (He isn't sleeping that well either. His sister will be starting chemo any day. His family never calls us and the only way we find anything at all out is to call them. ) Today we got up and Rob got our ladder out and we brought down our Halloween things from the attic. That cheered us up a bit. We have lots of stuff! Rob vacumned for me since my left wrist is so painful and weak. Afterwards he helped me to stir the dough and I made peanut butter cookies. My son was ill and we ran in his direction and took some, along with clean laundry that had been left here. Afterwards we ran to a country store that we like. It was a nice day. Not at all that relaxing but still we had a day together.
I know the worth of a good marriage. I worry that with all I have on my plate I am not doing enough to keep mine the way I want it to be. I am feeling my age these days. I don't have the energy I once did. I like my house to be tidy and organized. I like to go to work with a decent appearance. I like to give my pets the time and energy they deserve. I just can't seem to find the time to do it ALL. Anna Quindlen was so right. We can have it all but not at the same time. Once school ends late November, I will enjoy the extra time I will then have. In the grand scheme of things, nothing is more important than the relationship I have waited years for. My brilliant friend Diana, once told me that love is more about the way the person makes you feel about yourself, than how you feel about them. Rob makes me feel like the most loved woman there is. I only hope that I make him feel the same way, even when I am too tired to do the little things to show him that.
My sister had her surgical procedure and we are now waiting to hear the results of her biopsy. I am giving her the space she wants while trying to be supportive in a way that is acceptable to her. She refuses to worry until she has something concrete to worry about. I am respecting her way of dealing with this.
One of my friends rushed ahead into a relationship that is now throwing up red flags for her. I am walking on eggs, trying to help her sort things out. Her last significant other caused huge problems in our relationship. I want her to be happy and I am concerned that she may hurt this person that she assured she would not.
Rob and I seem to be on different schedules work wise. I work two Saturdays each month and usually he doesn't work on Saturdays. The past few months it seems he has had an opportunity to work,but only on the Saturdays that I have off. Yesterday I went to a craft show with my sister-in-law. When Rob got home we went out for a bite to eat. We are both so tired these days that we flop into bed, passing out when our heads hit the pillow. (He isn't sleeping that well either. His sister will be starting chemo any day. His family never calls us and the only way we find anything at all out is to call them. ) Today we got up and Rob got our ladder out and we brought down our Halloween things from the attic. That cheered us up a bit. We have lots of stuff! Rob vacumned for me since my left wrist is so painful and weak. Afterwards he helped me to stir the dough and I made peanut butter cookies. My son was ill and we ran in his direction and took some, along with clean laundry that had been left here. Afterwards we ran to a country store that we like. It was a nice day. Not at all that relaxing but still we had a day together.
I know the worth of a good marriage. I worry that with all I have on my plate I am not doing enough to keep mine the way I want it to be. I am feeling my age these days. I don't have the energy I once did. I like my house to be tidy and organized. I like to go to work with a decent appearance. I like to give my pets the time and energy they deserve. I just can't seem to find the time to do it ALL. Anna Quindlen was so right. We can have it all but not at the same time. Once school ends late November, I will enjoy the extra time I will then have. In the grand scheme of things, nothing is more important than the relationship I have waited years for. My brilliant friend Diana, once told me that love is more about the way the person makes you feel about yourself, than how you feel about them. Rob makes me feel like the most loved woman there is. I only hope that I make him feel the same way, even when I am too tired to do the little things to show him that.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
The waiting is the hardest part.........
Tom Petty you had that right. I hate waiting. Patience may be a virtue but it is not one that I have. Today I have been waiting and forcing my attentions elsewhere. My sister found out in June that she had a tumor in her pancreas. She asked us not to tell anyone. She was supposed to have it removed August 31. She postponed it until today. Thing is, that today they are trying to remove it without cutting her abdomen open. They are not sure until they try if it can be done. If not, she will have the traditional type surgery at a future date. The pathology will be determined when it is removed. Until then, there remains a cloud of uncertainty.
I took my first test on Tuesday night and scored an 85. What was troubling was that I had changed two answers from the correct to the wrong choices or I would have had an 89. Damn second guessing. I won't make that mistake again. I did a five chapter review this afternoon and next week I think will be our midterm. As long as you pass the final exam you are eligible to take the test for the state licensing. If you fail it, you are eligible to retake it as many times as necessary for up to ONE year. (At a small fee of $60 each test). If you have not passed it by then you are required to take the course again, and yes this does happen to some people. I think they give up after a few tries and then decide to try again later. We have a few of repeaters in our class.
I got an interesting phone call today from the college bookstore. My book ordered for the first class in early September has now arrived. I advised them that I had to order one from online when I was four chapters behind. They only expected less than thirty people to take this course and over sixty signed up. I guess most had to rely on Barnes and Noble as did I.
I am enjoying this course. I have a tight schedule with working and taking this couse but I know it's for a short period of time. It's a good diversion from worrying as well. Back to the books..........
I took my first test on Tuesday night and scored an 85. What was troubling was that I had changed two answers from the correct to the wrong choices or I would have had an 89. Damn second guessing. I won't make that mistake again. I did a five chapter review this afternoon and next week I think will be our midterm. As long as you pass the final exam you are eligible to take the test for the state licensing. If you fail it, you are eligible to retake it as many times as necessary for up to ONE year. (At a small fee of $60 each test). If you have not passed it by then you are required to take the course again, and yes this does happen to some people. I think they give up after a few tries and then decide to try again later. We have a few of repeaters in our class.
I got an interesting phone call today from the college bookstore. My book ordered for the first class in early September has now arrived. I advised them that I had to order one from online when I was four chapters behind. They only expected less than thirty people to take this course and over sixty signed up. I guess most had to rely on Barnes and Noble as did I.
I am enjoying this course. I have a tight schedule with working and taking this couse but I know it's for a short period of time. It's a good diversion from worrying as well. Back to the books..........
Saturday, September 23, 2006
William Butler Yeats
(Cannot get this poem out of my mind:)
W.B. Yeats (1865–1939). Responsibilities and Other Poems. 1916.
53. The Young Man’s Song
I WHISPERED, ‘I am too young,’
And then, ‘I am old enough’;
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
‘Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair,’
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.
Oh, love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away,
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.
W.B. Yeats (1865–1939). Responsibilities and Other Poems. 1916.
53. The Young Man’s Song
I WHISPERED, ‘I am too young,’
And then, ‘I am old enough’;
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
‘Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair,’
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.
Oh, love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away,
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
The complete lack of discipline
Today I relapsed. To my online addiction......reading message boards and looking through the many websites in my favorites. Where did the hours go? It's now 1 p.m. and although I did have two length phone conversations with friends, I have done little more than find time to woof a hot dog down for lunch. Yes, sadly, I am still in my p.j.s......the ones with the flip flops on them. I haven't had a day like this in so long......and it feels good.
I must pull myself together in the next half hour and go downstairs and hit the book. Yes, just one. Still, it is heavy material. I must get dressed. I must give the pets some attention. I must wash my face and put on some make up. I am trying to get myself into some good routines. I used to wear make up for many years. Then, when I was out of work and home recovering from surgery I stopped. Recently, someone gave me a Macy's gift certificate and I went in and treated myself to make up. They had an Estee Lauder giveaway where you spent $25 and got a huge bag of free stuff. I am now the proud owner of 3 lipsticks, 2 mascaras, 2 blushes and some eye shadows. I now NEED these things. I need to hide my flaws. At least cammo what I can.
I work with women who have such great makeup. Honestly, don't think I will ever be that good. They look professionally made up. I on the other hand can barely manage to get the basics on. I just don't think of it until the last second. It's almost humorous at how I go about this task. I am getting better.
Tonight it is my turn to drive. I am nervous about driving other people. New Jersey is nothing if not the law suit capital of the world. We have lawyers the way some states have plumbers.
My son lost his wallet over the weekend. Found out just how ridiculous laws can be. He needs a birth certificate to get another license. In the move five years ago, one of us put it somewhere where it cannot be found. When I attempted to get another one I found out that he would need a copy of his LICENSE to apply for it. Can we say Catch 22? New Jersey offers a six point ID system. Most things are only one point such as a utility bill, ss card, bank statement, while a birth certificate is four points. You know the one you can't get without the license with the photo. Military discharge papers are worth two. He will have to go with his military discharge papers and FOUR other one point items and hope they are all accepted. ONCE he has the license, we can send a copy of it along with his forms to get an original birth certificate. That will be put in a vault and hermetically sealed. From now on I plan to keep my driver's license in my bra, the only place it will be truly secure. Apparently, it has become my most important document now. After all, when I went to get it I had to produce a NEW birth certificate with the state seal (original which had been good for fifty years was now rejected), my mariage certificate to my first husband, divorce papers from my first husband, marriage certificate to current (aka good) husband, and my vehicle registration. Oddly, I was not required to bring my firstborn for this transaction to use as a bargaining tool.
I understand that this is the fallout from 9/11. Are government officials really preventing terrorists though? OR are they inconveniencing people like me, who lose time off of work (and pay) to navigate through this system? I honestly don't think anyone who is willing to give up their life for their fanatical beliefs will care if they have a VALID driver's license. Chances are they will drive without one or use a fake. Most people who want one can find someone in New York City to buy one from. Most underage high school kids know how to obtain one. Seriously, this is absurd.
Now........time to get going. Have a good one.
I must pull myself together in the next half hour and go downstairs and hit the book. Yes, just one. Still, it is heavy material. I must get dressed. I must give the pets some attention. I must wash my face and put on some make up. I am trying to get myself into some good routines. I used to wear make up for many years. Then, when I was out of work and home recovering from surgery I stopped. Recently, someone gave me a Macy's gift certificate and I went in and treated myself to make up. They had an Estee Lauder giveaway where you spent $25 and got a huge bag of free stuff. I am now the proud owner of 3 lipsticks, 2 mascaras, 2 blushes and some eye shadows. I now NEED these things. I need to hide my flaws. At least cammo what I can.
I work with women who have such great makeup. Honestly, don't think I will ever be that good. They look professionally made up. I on the other hand can barely manage to get the basics on. I just don't think of it until the last second. It's almost humorous at how I go about this task. I am getting better.
Tonight it is my turn to drive. I am nervous about driving other people. New Jersey is nothing if not the law suit capital of the world. We have lawyers the way some states have plumbers.
My son lost his wallet over the weekend. Found out just how ridiculous laws can be. He needs a birth certificate to get another license. In the move five years ago, one of us put it somewhere where it cannot be found. When I attempted to get another one I found out that he would need a copy of his LICENSE to apply for it. Can we say Catch 22? New Jersey offers a six point ID system. Most things are only one point such as a utility bill, ss card, bank statement, while a birth certificate is four points. You know the one you can't get without the license with the photo. Military discharge papers are worth two. He will have to go with his military discharge papers and FOUR other one point items and hope they are all accepted. ONCE he has the license, we can send a copy of it along with his forms to get an original birth certificate. That will be put in a vault and hermetically sealed. From now on I plan to keep my driver's license in my bra, the only place it will be truly secure. Apparently, it has become my most important document now. After all, when I went to get it I had to produce a NEW birth certificate with the state seal (original which had been good for fifty years was now rejected), my mariage certificate to my first husband, divorce papers from my first husband, marriage certificate to current (aka good) husband, and my vehicle registration. Oddly, I was not required to bring my firstborn for this transaction to use as a bargaining tool.
I understand that this is the fallout from 9/11. Are government officials really preventing terrorists though? OR are they inconveniencing people like me, who lose time off of work (and pay) to navigate through this system? I honestly don't think anyone who is willing to give up their life for their fanatical beliefs will care if they have a VALID driver's license. Chances are they will drive without one or use a fake. Most people who want one can find someone in New York City to buy one from. Most underage high school kids know how to obtain one. Seriously, this is absurd.
Now........time to get going. Have a good one.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Putting on my college student uniform
Tonight I have another class.......I should be leaving in a few minutes but find myself mysteriously here still on the computer.
I mentioned my new desk. It has a phone on it with my own extension. Best of all it has a spanking brand new Dell computer with a killer flat screen large monitor. Oh how I love that monitor. Wish I had one just like it at home. I have a large monitor but the glare is hard on my eyes. (I have glaucoma which thankfully is controlled by eyedrops.) I also have the wonderful sunflower calendar my darling gave me at Christmas for my work area (which then was non specific). I am really happy now to have all the comforts of a real work area.
Tonight I go to school. My lovely coworker and classmate is giving me a lift. She only lives a few miles from me. We have different bosses, she works as an assistant to one man while I am an assistant to the current owner and staff support as well. There are days I really enjoy my job.
Yesterday I worked until 4 and got a phone call when I got home. I had forgotten my cardiologist appointment yesterday. (Actually I had blocked the day square with a party invitation for this Sunday.) Oops! On the other hand I think it's wonderful that instead of worrying about my health I am moving forward with my life and let it slip my mind. Other than being tired because I just don't get enough sleep, I am feeling pretty good. Well, it's not like I'm that old......I mean I am a college student ........ of sorts.
Did anyone notice my lovely pink clock? Courtesy of Jennifer aka Xzasporated1? Gotta love it.
I mentioned my new desk. It has a phone on it with my own extension. Best of all it has a spanking brand new Dell computer with a killer flat screen large monitor. Oh how I love that monitor. Wish I had one just like it at home. I have a large monitor but the glare is hard on my eyes. (I have glaucoma which thankfully is controlled by eyedrops.) I also have the wonderful sunflower calendar my darling gave me at Christmas for my work area (which then was non specific). I am really happy now to have all the comforts of a real work area.
Tonight I go to school. My lovely coworker and classmate is giving me a lift. She only lives a few miles from me. We have different bosses, she works as an assistant to one man while I am an assistant to the current owner and staff support as well. There are days I really enjoy my job.
Yesterday I worked until 4 and got a phone call when I got home. I had forgotten my cardiologist appointment yesterday. (Actually I had blocked the day square with a party invitation for this Sunday.) Oops! On the other hand I think it's wonderful that instead of worrying about my health I am moving forward with my life and let it slip my mind. Other than being tired because I just don't get enough sleep, I am feeling pretty good. Well, it's not like I'm that old......I mean I am a college student ........ of sorts.
Did anyone notice my lovely pink clock? Courtesy of Jennifer aka Xzasporated1? Gotta love it.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Anticipation
I am actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow. First time in a long time that I feel that way. There was a bit of tension but the owner of the company whom I have known for nearly thirty years has put that to rest. Honestly, she is a negotiator of the highest degree. She is able to see through the motives of people and see both the good and bad qualities in others. She tactfully handles difficult situations and with the patience of all involved, gets everyone back on course. The tension has been laid to rest and a few small changes have been made that I think will make all happy. Until recently, desk space was at a premium. I didn't have my own desk but kind of used whatever space was available. There were limited computers and at times I got bumped from the one I was using because I am support staff and have to accomodate the important people there. It was tough at times. Imagine if you weren't feeling your best and had to wonder about looking for a place to be. This week the person who had my desk in the reception area was placed in a quieter area which she had wanted and I finally have a desk. This is no small feat and I was thrilled. On Friday to make things even better a computer arrived, a brand new Dell with a giant flat screen monitor. I almost cried with joy! There is a weekend person who will use the desk and computer at times but that's ok, I have a space when I am there. I even have a desk to leave my purse in. I feel like I am a real employee. This past weekend was my weekend off and Rob had to work on Saturday. That seems to happen from time to time. When he got home we went to IHOP for a bite to eat. We accomplished a lot then and today. We managed to get to the toy store and buy our Godchild his birthday presents. He is a huge fan of Spiderman and all things must include this. In fact, he prefers to be called Spiderman. Our Godchild has some problems. They are trying to label him AHDH. I hate labels and often I feel that our society is too quick to want to label and medicate children. He does have a short attention span but I don't think his parents use much discipline on him. To be honest, I think he outsmarts them at every turn. I wish we lived closer to him and could take him for a few days at a time. In any event, he will love his indoor Spiderman tent we got him. I also got him a small Spiderman water cooler. (NOTE: I am not able to hit enter twice to form new paragraphs for some reason. When it seems I am not making new paragraphs this is why!) When I try to space down, I get these weird words that drop down to the new line. Anyone know how to fix this? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am tired. Been up both weekend mornings at 7. One downside to our fur boys is their early wakenings. Still.......I just couldn't see myself without them. Thinking of Connie tonight. I so wish I could show up at her door (of course with Jennifer in tow!) I just know some great DVDS and a weekend of popcorn and a few Cosmos and a keg..........would go a long way to boosting her spirits. When friends hurt, we hurt with them. I just feel that often when it seems the darkest, is when things suddenly turn around for us. Just when I thought my life couldn't get any darker, I made a knot in my rope and I hung on and suddenly it got really great. Oh Connie, I just have to believe that the best is yet to come for you. Just know that your friends truly care.....and always will.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
This and That
My first day at school was interesting to say the least. I arrived an hour and a half early so that I could enter the classroom with my book in hand. I promptly learned that the bookstore was no longer where it had been but was now across the campus. I arrived there and gone were the wonderful gifts that they used to carry. Gone also was all the help that I had received so many years ago. The new bookstore required you to find your books on your own. Problem being that mine wasn't listed under a subject sign. I finally found someone who worked there and she pointed me in the right direction. Twenty minutes later I learned they were sold out of the book I needed. I then inquired what to do. I was told to fill out a form, get in line (that long line that wrapped around the aisles) and prepay for the book which was slated to arrive sometime Thursday. I then walked the entire campus back to the building my class was to be in. The instructor came in and you could see she was a bit troubled. Someone asked her and she said that earlier in the day her husband had been moved to a hospice. She quickly went into her professional mode and I was both stunned and impressed. I told her about my book situation. She told me that I was already supposed to have read and digested four chapters and there was going to be a pop quiz. Uh oh. Fortunately, I knew about 50% of the answers and she said I didn't really have to take the quiz but advised me to find the book elsewhere and quickly. A woman I knew turned to me and told me she had obtained two books. Her online order hadn't arrived and she bought one from the bookstore, only to have her other book arrive the following day. I met her the following morning and paid her for her book. Today I was able to read the four chapters. Our class was cancelled for this evening "due to illness in the instructor's family" and I am thinking of this fine woman and what she must be going through.
After reading the book and doing the exercises for each chapter I began to get ready for court. Today was the long awaited hearing for my neighbor. The cantankerous neighbor had signed a complaint against him for burning a chiminea, claiming it was a nuisance and bringing smoke into the house. We don't believe this is his real reason. He told another neighbor that he didn't care for the smell of smoke. Ken, our neighbor who was the defendant, had all the other neighbors come to court as his witnessed. I was psyched. Eager to get this over with once and for all. Should have known better. The complaintant decided last minute to drop the charges BUT without prejudice so he can refile them at will. Now this is getting absurd. I have missed work twice, as well as other neighbors. I think the complainer thinks we're playing a game and we will grow so tired of it that we will stop coming to court. He has no clue how stubborn I am........OR
how much I will support anyone I see as being victimized. I feel very strongly about this issue. In our town there is NO ordinance against using a chiminea. It is being used in a lawful and safe manor. This homeowner is being harassed every time he lights it because someone else does not want it lit. I am all about legal rights. Even ones that I don't care to exercise personally. I wanted my day in court and to tell the judge just that. In New Jersey part of your real estate is owning the air rights above the property. Ken has a right to fill the air above his property with smoke if he choses. The neighbor can close his windows (he has central air and they are usually closed anyway).
Thank you Jennifer for the lovely new links in my sidebar. Anyone who wants to be notified of entries, please sign up!
Tomorrow night a neighborhood celebration will take place. Chiminea will be lit. Beers all around. Toasting of hot dogs optional. Smiles and good times mandatory. I'll be wearing my college hoodie......or not. Despite a few rotten apples, I love this neighborhood. Relax Ken, we've got your back.
After reading the book and doing the exercises for each chapter I began to get ready for court. Today was the long awaited hearing for my neighbor. The cantankerous neighbor had signed a complaint against him for burning a chiminea, claiming it was a nuisance and bringing smoke into the house. We don't believe this is his real reason. He told another neighbor that he didn't care for the smell of smoke. Ken, our neighbor who was the defendant, had all the other neighbors come to court as his witnessed. I was psyched. Eager to get this over with once and for all. Should have known better. The complaintant decided last minute to drop the charges BUT without prejudice so he can refile them at will. Now this is getting absurd. I have missed work twice, as well as other neighbors. I think the complainer thinks we're playing a game and we will grow so tired of it that we will stop coming to court. He has no clue how stubborn I am........OR
how much I will support anyone I see as being victimized. I feel very strongly about this issue. In our town there is NO ordinance against using a chiminea. It is being used in a lawful and safe manor. This homeowner is being harassed every time he lights it because someone else does not want it lit. I am all about legal rights. Even ones that I don't care to exercise personally. I wanted my day in court and to tell the judge just that. In New Jersey part of your real estate is owning the air rights above the property. Ken has a right to fill the air above his property with smoke if he choses. The neighbor can close his windows (he has central air and they are usually closed anyway).
Thank you Jennifer for the lovely new links in my sidebar. Anyone who wants to be notified of entries, please sign up!
Tomorrow night a neighborhood celebration will take place. Chiminea will be lit. Beers all around. Toasting of hot dogs optional. Smiles and good times mandatory. I'll be wearing my college hoodie......or not. Despite a few rotten apples, I love this neighborhood. Relax Ken, we've got your back.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Taking a risk.........
I think I was bought up to fear things. Not from my Dad who was in the Navy and travelled the world but from my Mom who has never flown on a plane. She is terrified of lightning and what the neighbors might think. Imagine having to live your life in such a way. I just couldn't and as a teen I became somewhat rebellious and thought I would have a much different life. Sadly, because I married a controlling person, I ended up being a stay at home Mom. Not that my spouse wanted me home, he expected me to work. Thirty years ago there was no child care. I lived rurally and there was no place for my son to be. Besides, I felt responsible for his upbringing and had no education, so the only jobs I could get were low paying. When my son was in high school I began college. I went for three years before his illness forced me to stop. I never went back. I don't have the means to go back now. I did take a computer course over a year ago and have been working part time. I have decided for the next three months to take a course which will be two three hour evenings per week. I am going to try to get a real estate license. This will allow me to generate a lot more income. I already have some knowledge from working in a real estate office. It will be hectic for the next three months. I will miss having dinner two nights a week with Rob. Still, if I can find a way to earn more money he will profit from that as well. I have to go early this evening and purchase the book I will need. I haven't been on a college campus in fifteen years. This should be interesting. Unfortuately, me in a college book store is a dangerous thing. I love school supplies. Here I come spiral bound notebooks ..................
Monday, September 11, 2006
Remembering..................
Today I began to read all the tributes in the journals to the victims. Two stories touched me deeply.......the man whose wife took her on life a month later and that of a wee eight year old girl, Zoe, who lost her life. They are all such huge losses. I am emotionally drained tonight. Tonight I pray for all the loved ones of these victims. I pray that they will find some sort of peace. I pray that they will find comfort in knowing that so many others care. I pray for world peace.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Thoughts on September........
Although Fall is my very favorite season, September is a very emotionally charged month for me. On Sept. 4th, 1990 my son was diagnosed with leukemia. In the next few days we learned that his prognosis was really grim. Those were some painful days. During this time, the children were returning to school My son would not attend that entire year, his junior year. He was able to attend a few special functions but they were few and far between. To this day when I see the first school buses of the new year I get overwhelmed with emotion. I know that there are many sick children who won't be attending. I know there are children who will never again return to school or lead normal lifes. Somedays I wish I could return to the innocent days before it was made painfully real to me that children get sick and sometimes die. I never can though and all I can do is appreciate that my son was restored to good health and leads a physically normal life today. Of all things in my life, I am perhaps most grateful for that. To those of you reading this if all you have to be grateful for is your healthy child, that is something that money cannot buy and something many people do not have. You are blessed..........................................................Tomorrow is also the anniversary, fifth of another day that is emotionally charged for me. To those of you who read my other journal you know what that day was like for me. I worked for a Fortune 500 company that had insurance for most of the victims of the World Trade Towers and the firemen of New York City. I was driving to work when I heard the news. I continued on to work, prepared to sign onto the phone lines when a woman from the next cubicle began to scream hysterically. Her sister was one of the victims that day. We were quickly told to go home as we were in a pentagon type building and they were afraid that perhaps other important company buildings might be attacked. I was on the fifth floor and began to feel anxious. As I went to leave I desperately tried to get my darling Rob on the phone. All phone lines were jammed, regular and cel phone lines. I debated whether to drive to where he worked but instead raced home. I never could get a hold of him and he arrived home hours later. I spent the next few weeks answering calls from widows who wanted to inform me that their husbands were no longer alive. These calls were so heart wrenching. WE had to hit the mute button and choke back tears as we talked to these family members. That day I realized that our company was not attack proof as I had always believed. I also realized what it meant to see Americans pull together. In our development I heard many stories of people in the streets and cooking food for others who were in shock. We didn't move to this development until the following May. One guy across the street lost his business as a result. He had a flag pole erected. Tomorrow he will be flying a special flag that has the names of the victims forming the stripes. I will never think of 9/11 and not choke up. Never. I am so glad that some of the bloggers will be doing entries on the victims. They deserve to be the ones receiving the attention. I pray that tomorrow the families will get through it. My next door neighbor's boss lost her son. Like most other families, she will never be the same. Tomorrow I can only fly my flag as a small tribute and say once again to the brave (including an Episcapalan minister I recently met who is dying of lung cancer.....she was at Ground Zero consecrating bodies and this was no doubt a result of her exposure) THANK YOU. God bless America, the land of the free and truly, the home of the brave.
Always Surprising.........
I'm feeling very pensive today. I just read a rather shocking email from a high school friend. First an introduction to the friendship.......over my junior year summer vacation I got married. I did this the day after I was 17. The following Fall I was living in an apt. in a nearby town while attending the high school I had attended previously. One of my nosy teachers interrogated me one day and then reported to the office that I should not be in that school. I was promptly forced to either pay tuition of thousands of dollars or change schools. I changed schools and the first day there I met my friend whose name sounded so much like Bon Bon Sherbert that became my nickname for her. This poor girl had lost her Dad many years earlier and her Mom was dying of cancer when we met. She was being raised by her grandfather, a man who was not known for his warmth, although to be fair he saw that his two granddaughters were taken care of. Right after her Mom died she was able to get a driver's permit and I decided to teach her to drive. Let me tell you, I was not the greatest driver back then. Still, she was able to get her license. She became engaged and began to plan her wedding to her high school sweetheart. She asked me to be her matron of honor, and I began to be a surrogate mother of sorts to her. She didn't know how to plan a wedding and I helped, while letting her do her own thing. It was bittersweet to see someone only 18 without a living parent at their wedding. The newlyweds rented an apartment in our same complex and we saw quite a bit of each other then. One day I bought a house and she was afraid to drive to see it. Over the next few years I had a son, shortly after, she had a daughter and then a son. We saw each other rarely over the next few years. I noticed that other than with her only sister or their mutual friends, she didn't seem to have much of a family life or social life with her husband. When I went there he was a recluse hiding out in either their bedroom or a computer room later. I was frustrated at times that she chose to stay with him. She had been such a vibrant and fun person and now she seemed to just be hanging on. Today after over thirty years of marriage she wrote and told me he left her. What I wanted to write back and say was that he actually left her about twenty years ago. To be honest I am happy that at last she can move on with her life. I told her that I have been through a divorce and will be happy to be a listening ear for her. I also told her to begin to live and have fun again. Damn a man who does this. On the other hand, I just wish he had done it long ago. I wish women, and men, who lived like this would realize that it's NOT a real relationship and that they should either make it work or let it go. Investing decades into something that is bankrupt just seems so futile. Having said that, I was guilty of that myself. I always tried to find the silver lining. I always hoped one day I would do something that would be a catalyst for my ex to change. He never got it and he still doesn't. I accept that he never will. I can't say that he's a bad person. He just is what he is and he is not what he is not.
If I could have access to every person standing at the threshold of a new relationship I would so want to give them this advice: find someone you like as they are. You will never change them and they will never change you. Find someone who has the qualities that you want or need. No one is perfect and during their mistakes, accept that they are imperfect as you are.
Most importantly, if the relationship is a mistake, recognize it and either get on the same page to make things work or gently, without inflicting unnecessary pain upon the other, let go.
I wish you luck my friend and it's my earnest hope that the best is yet to come for you.
We're never too old to start over and do it right the next time.
If I could have access to every person standing at the threshold of a new relationship I would so want to give them this advice: find someone you like as they are. You will never change them and they will never change you. Find someone who has the qualities that you want or need. No one is perfect and during their mistakes, accept that they are imperfect as you are.
Most importantly, if the relationship is a mistake, recognize it and either get on the same page to make things work or gently, without inflicting unnecessary pain upon the other, let go.
I wish you luck my friend and it's my earnest hope that the best is yet to come for you.
We're never too old to start over and do it right the next time.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Borrowed from Angel's Journal
TWO WORDS
You can only type 2 words....no more....no less.
*************
1. yourself: talkative and thoughtful
2. your husband: kind and caring
3. your hair: long and black
4. your mother: introverted and fearful
5. your father: outspoken and stubborn
6. your favorite item: my bed
7. your dream last night: my son being sick
8. your favorite drink: Cosmopolitan
9. your car: Camry
10. the room you are in: computer rumpus room
11. your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: deceased, remembered
12. your fear: illnesses (mine or my son's)
13. where you want to be in 10 years: alive, healthy
14. what you're not: pretentious
15. your best friends: loved dearly
16. one of your wish list items: new car for hubby
17. the last thing you did: put on pjs
18. what are you wearing: p.j.s (flip flops on bottoms)
19. your favorite weather: warm, autumn
20. your favorite zoo animals? penguins,monkeys
21. your thought for the day? accomplish what needs doing
22. your favorite book: The Prophet
23. last thing you ate: pb & j sandwich
24. your life: unpredictable, stressful
25. your mood: peaceful and tired
26. your body: learning more and more to relax and just be
27. what are you thinking about right now: reading emails and journals
28. your crush: only my significant other
29. what are you doing at the moment:
reading, typing
30. your summer schedule: hectic and fleeting
You can only type 2 words....no more....no less.
*************
1. yourself: talkative and thoughtful
2. your husband: kind and caring
3. your hair: long and black
4. your mother: introverted and fearful
5. your father: outspoken and stubborn
6. your favorite item: my bed
7. your dream last night: my son being sick
8. your favorite drink: Cosmopolitan
9. your car: Camry
10. the room you are in: computer rumpus room
11. your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: deceased, remembered
12. your fear: illnesses (mine or my son's)
13. where you want to be in 10 years: alive, healthy
14. what you're not: pretentious
15. your best friends: loved dearly
16. one of your wish list items: new car for hubby
17. the last thing you did: put on pjs
18. what are you wearing: p.j.s (flip flops on bottoms)
19. your favorite weather: warm, autumn
20. your favorite zoo animals? penguins,monkeys
21. your thought for the day? accomplish what needs doing
22. your favorite book: The Prophet
23. last thing you ate: pb & j sandwich
24. your life: unpredictable, stressful
25. your mood: peaceful and tired
26. your body: learning more and more to relax and just be
27. what are you thinking about right now: reading emails and journals
28. your crush: only my significant other
29. what are you doing at the moment:
reading, typing
30. your summer schedule: hectic and fleeting
Thursday, September 07, 2006
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood............
Yesterday was a difficult day. My next door neighbor who had been so wonderful left for Florida. She came over to say goodbye and we cried, hugged, cried and hugged some more. I have owned three houses and lived in an apartment many years ago. I have had many neighbors over the years but none have compared to this neighbor and her husband. When Rob and I arrived here, the development was nearly two years old. We were the first resale and our home had only been occupied for nine months by the previous owner. She hadn't really made many friends here except for the only single man across the street and the husband of her friend which eventually ended their friendship. She was eager to go and they were eager to see her leave. When we moved in many friendships were already solidly in place. It's tough to be the new kid on the block no matter what your age is. When I drove up one day my neighbor Jen came up, extended her hand and welcomed me. She was the only person who did. Over the years these neighbors were a Godsend. They offered to help us put up our chainlink fence and match it to theirs. There wasn't a time where they didn't see Rob doing something that they didn't offer assistance. When I had my open heart surgery I had only ONE delivery from a florist and it was from them. I arrived home three weeks later to a house filled with floral arrangements, but it was the one in the hospital that truly lifted my spirits. I have other neighbors here that I have formed bonds with. I have a few houses I can walk to and know I am welcome but no neighbor can take the place of Jen. Now I'm crying again. Damn.
My other neighbor, Ms. Cantankerous is out there working on her fence again. I didn't want her to have a six foot high fence which was against the code. She got a variance by making false statements. She is now putting up said fence by herself, with the aid of her adolescent son.
The fence doesn't look very secure to me. It's only five feet from my shed. The shed I had built that cost me nearly two thousand dollars. She is also putting her fence on a conservation easement. Why our town gave her the variance is beyond me. I guess the squeaky wheel got the grease. I try not to think about it. I just hope if her fence does damage to my property I am able to document it and recover the costs.
It's sunny and lovely today. A nice breeze. I woke up at 6 a.m. Jumped out of bed and began to bake. I sent my husband off to work with fresh brownies. I have a cookie jar full of oatmeal cookies I made. I need to run to the store and do some shopping. I work this Saturday which means today is my Saturday in terms of errands. I really hate working Saturdays. I hate giving up any time with Rob. Have I mentioned lately how much he means to me? He's my inspiration to believe that there are good people still in this world. He inspires my faith because I believe that God sent him to me to help me get through all the tough times. I know that I could survive on my own but I'm glad that I don't have to. I think if everyone had someone to love, someone who loved them the world would be a better place.
My other neighbor, Ms. Cantankerous is out there working on her fence again. I didn't want her to have a six foot high fence which was against the code. She got a variance by making false statements. She is now putting up said fence by herself, with the aid of her adolescent son.
The fence doesn't look very secure to me. It's only five feet from my shed. The shed I had built that cost me nearly two thousand dollars. She is also putting her fence on a conservation easement. Why our town gave her the variance is beyond me. I guess the squeaky wheel got the grease. I try not to think about it. I just hope if her fence does damage to my property I am able to document it and recover the costs.
It's sunny and lovely today. A nice breeze. I woke up at 6 a.m. Jumped out of bed and began to bake. I sent my husband off to work with fresh brownies. I have a cookie jar full of oatmeal cookies I made. I need to run to the store and do some shopping. I work this Saturday which means today is my Saturday in terms of errands. I really hate working Saturdays. I hate giving up any time with Rob. Have I mentioned lately how much he means to me? He's my inspiration to believe that there are good people still in this world. He inspires my faith because I believe that God sent him to me to help me get through all the tough times. I know that I could survive on my own but I'm glad that I don't have to. I think if everyone had someone to love, someone who loved them the world would be a better place.
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