This is my Valentine. He has not had it easy of late because I have been rather cranky. He has taken over much of my duties here and at times it makes me feel guilty and frustrated. I am very particular about how things (such as laundry) get done. It's very frustrating to me when I see my new black T shirt covered with white lint or some of my clothes have been shrunk. At times I just cry and I know it sounds silly but I don't want anyone doing anything for me. I want to do it all myself. I always took pride in being so independent. Now at night when I have some episodes where I am struggling for breath I feel I am not the same person. Ronni commented that "This too shall pass." I know this is true. It's just finding the patience until it does that I need.
This morning I went for an overdue mammogram and bone density scan. I already know that the area above my navel has thin bones due to radiation. The others seem okay as far as I know. When I was giving my medical history to the technician she looked shocked. When I had to lay down flat for the test it made breathing so difficult she wondered if I could do the test but I did. It didn't take that long and I wanted it done. The walk through the maze of the radiology facility left me tired and breathless but I did it. It was a sunny 55 too which made it so much nicer. I know that I am making slow progress. The breathlessness is something that will never totally be gone as it is due to more than one factor. I have to do the best I can. I have lost weight since my wedding nearly nine years ago. I hope to still lose more if that will help.
One day at at time. That's how I have to do it for now. I have much to be grateful for and I have not lost sight of that. I have survived cancer for thirty years. I deal with the problems now of radiation that they no longer give so much of. Would I do it again knowing all the problems I would deal with now?
ABSOLUTELY. When I feel my lowest I sometimes forget my goal to enjoy each day. It's hard when you feel poorly but I need to focus on the better days ahead and surely, they will come. When I see my first flowers bloom I know that my spirit and zest for life will be replenished.
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