Overcoming Disappointment

Yesterday afternoon I learned that I did not get the job I applied for. To say I was disappointed was an understatment but I did learn some things that made me feel better. The interviewer told the employment service that she loved me. That in fact, she felt I was probably the best fit for the job. Her boss asked to see the resumes and told her that he had been thinking that they should require a bachelor's degree and therefore that meant taking someone else over me, who she raved about. Out of her hands. To that I say how unfair of a company to decide after they have applicants take time to come in to add a college degree to the requirements. I took time off of work to go for that and feel it was highly unfair. If I didn't like the interviewer (office manager) so much I might well write to the head of the company to complain. I wouldn't want her to get in trouble for sharing that information. I know there will be other interviews, particularly after the great feedback she received and next time I will try not to get my hopes up like I did this time.
Sunday I had a nice treat because my husband shared a bonus he got with me. (Actually he wanted to pay bills with the entire check but I insisted that he use it for something personal and it wasn't that much that it would make a difference.) He gave me $20 and told me to treat myself to a pedicure. I love them and haven't had one in two years. I went to the salon and felt that the man doing it was overly eager. My feet were sore on Monday and Tuesday and on Wednesday my heel split open. The opening was very deep and kept bleeding. When my coworkers saw it they insisted I have a doctor see it. I made a quick appointment and the doctor was concerned about an infection and put me on Keflex for a week. I then called the salon and spoke with the owner. I asked her to pay my office visit copay and prescription copay as the doctor said far too much skin had been removed. The owner agreed and I am to go in tomorrow with the receipts to be reimbursed. I have been very sore and I think this may have cured my pedicure addiction. The doctor pointed out that an infection would land me in the hospital for a week or so. NOTHING is worth that!
Today was a magnificent day. I got up early and relished in the fact that I was off work on such a weather perfect day. I went outside and cleaned out the flower beds which I neglected to do in the Fall. I then planted more bulbs. My daffodils are in bloom, and the narcissus. Fragrant and spectacular. I cut a vasefull for my table. There are few things as enjoyable to me as seeing the fruit of your gardening efforts. I straightened up all that I could outside and cleaned and vacumned my car. I then drove to the shoe store that has shoes that fit me (I have flat and wide feet.) I found a pair of "mule" sneakers that I had wanted on a clearance rack and a nice pair of black dress sandals for work. Score! I drove my mother home and she gave me some money to put towards a bill that has been really bothering me. It's not often that she does something like that but something happened in my family this week. I tried to help someone and she was involved and saw it backfire. For once, I felt that my mother was on MY side. She actually cried that someone did something so unkind to me. That was a first! My mother admitted to me today that she knows that if either my father or she needed help I would be the one to help them. So tonight I can rest a bit easier knowing that one of my debts will be eliminated soon.
I feel fortunate. I have a small home but it's filled with peace and love. What I have I can deeply appreciate. My health is steadily improving and the sun was so bright today that I got to wear shades. Welcome Spring!

The waiting is the hardest part (yeah Tom Petty nailed that one)

Waiting just plain bites. I have been waiting over 48 hours to hear who got the job I interviewed for. I was told she had about half a dozen candidates interviewing. What really gets me is that she wanted to know when I could start. That answer changes when you remove two days from the estimate you gave with giving notice. At this point I am wondering if she just cannot make up her mind or what. I am not sleeping. I was up at 6 a.m. getting together tax information. I drove past the post office on the way TO work and again on the way home. Now I have to go back out and get stamps, mail bills that are already in envelopes, and get gas in my car. I have to keep busy. I was feeling that my interview went well. In my entire life I have only interviewed 5 times and gotten three of the jobs. The only other job I didn't get I later found out was a political favor to someone else. I have a pretty good track record so far. I really like the office manager who interviewed me. I hope I don't end up with a bleeding ulcer! Just kidding, but would like to know, hopefully by day's end and it's already 4 p.m. Now I am throwing on my shorts as it's like a summer day and heading off to the post office.

Crossing my fingers.........

I am nervous this morning. I awoke before five and can't get back to sleep.
This morning I have a job interview. While I know I could do this job perfectly, I am afraid that I won't get it because I get so nervous about the interview. I have tried to prepare myself but this company can afford to be very choosey. The salary would be more than I have previously earned. It's a good salary but just as important to me are the benefits. Because of poor benefits over the past few years my out of pocket expenses have been very high. I get prescriptions filled where insurance pays a few dollars and my portion is $50.00. When you are getting half a dozen prescriptions a month it adds up quickly. Many months my salary from my part time job goes entirely for that month's medical expenses. I really cannot afford to be working part time. With part time I have no paid sick days, no paid vacation days and no paid holidays off. Many larger companies do give part time employees those things but I work for a small company. IF I get this new job I will get 8 paid holidays and fourteen sick/vacation/personal days off as well.
I haven't been blogging a lot lately....actually I haven't been online a lot lately. I have been reading newspapers, searching online and calling a job service trying to find a job that will meet my needs. Now that I am so close, I feel very stressed. I find it difficult to go meet a stranger and sell myself in a fifteen minute interview. Still, I have to just DO IT. My personality has all the qualifications they are looking for. If I get the job I will post about it. I will be excited and grateful. If I don't get the job, I don't know how I am going to handle the dissapointment.
Keep your fingers crossed.

Into each life a little rain must fall............

On Sunday we were painting some trim and I noticed that the metal pan under our water heater was full of water. I suspected the worse but kept thinking how could a water heater (I thought the one we had Rheem was a high quality water heater) only five years old be bad? Yesterday I called our neighbor over who is a plumber. He confirmed the worst, that we needed a replacement. The Rheem was actually still under warranty until next September but they would only give me $80 credit and it would take weeks to get one from them. If I went with the other brand I could have it this afternoon. Knowing that the whole water heater could spring a massive flood I went with the immediate replacement. I am still in shock that a water heater (gas) cost over $800 with installation. I was also shocked when the plumber said that they only last six or seven years. In my previous homes they lasted well over ten years. Thinking back they were glass lined and the new ones are stainless steel. Is this because we have tried to make them more energy efficient? Wouldn't the constant replacement factor outweigh the reduced cost of energy? I'm just too tired to perform those equations.
The really frustrating part is that we had saved some money to put towards our wood floor, that money will be applied to our new debt instead. I tried to tell myself today that we are fortunate to have a credit card to place the balance on. I was always taught not to charge things I couldn't pay off at the end of the month. It bothers me that I have three cards that I am carrying a balance on. I am working hard and being conscientious with my spending. Still, sometimes life just springs costly repairs on you and you have to roll with the punches. I'm trying to be more flexible and not tense up when these things happen.
I'm heading off to bed now and hoping that we don't have any more surprises soon. I still haven't figured out our taxes but I know we will be getting a refund again this year. Perhaps this weekend I can get the figures together for that.
In light of all the things that might have gone wrong......could have gone wrong...I'm glad it wasn't worse. I will always chose to see the glass half full.

Nothing beats sitting in your pjs, reading and sipping tea......

For the first time in several days I am lounging. Ahh...what a good feeling. On Friday Rob took off and I had so hoped to make it to New York for the parade but that was not to be. I had many things to do that day, which I did, which included a wonderful dinner of Irish soda bread fresh from the oven and corned beef and cabbage. I have tweeked my recipe to perfection. Most people don't realise that this is NOT an Irish dish. I gave my recipe to a woman from Ireland that I work with.
Work will be very hectic this week. Our owner is in Utah on a vacation trip with her married daughters flying in to stay with them. Our office administrator had a death in the family and will be out Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday leaving me in charge of the clerical aspects. Fortunately another broker is there and will take care of anything needing her expertise.
This morning I was finally able to lounge in my pjs. My favorite ones where the pants have summer flip flops in various prints. I'm a bit chilly but the cotton is so comfortable. I ran everyday this week except for the one day where I was home cooking and washing dishes and countertops nonstop. I finally got caught up on reading my emails and regular journals. I didn't take time to leave many comments.
It's great to be working and getting a paycheck but it's hard to fit everything in to the leisure time that is left. I don't have paid sick days or vacation days so I don't call out. Often I am running errands on my way in or on my way home. I had forgotten how hectic it can be and I leave most days at 3. Most of the woman who are there for the nine hour days only work two or three days a week. This week I will be working hours longer each day. I worked yesterday but will have next Saturday off.
I recently had an odd experience. We have an adorable new neighbor, J. She is from New York and engaged to be married in April. I have only spoken to her three times and she is younger than my son. The other day she came over with an elegant wedding invitation (nothing like anything I have ever seen before.) She invited us to her wedding. It's black tie and at a country club. Rob owns a tux, he bought it for OUR wedding. The only gown I currently own is the one I was married in. It is so far out of our budget to buy a gown for ONE wedding, and give a gift that would be enough to attend a country club wedding. I am wondering how to tell her this without hurting her feelings. When Rob and I got married we only invited people truly close to us and didn't even invite all of our relatives. Sometimes I feel that inviting people when they have to give a gift can be an imposition. I wanted people to know that was NOT expected. I would prefer to have people make donations to a charity in our honor. Now days it seems that people feel it's appropriate to invite someone they've met three times when the person would be expected to give hundreds of dollars. I think that's inconsiderate. Now, I will feel that I must give her a gift when I hardly know her. I just wish I wasn't put in this position. Perhaps she didn't want us to feel left out.
Rob recently found one of the most interesting things I have seen online. It's a man named Chris Bliss with a fascinating juggling routine. Please check it out:
Bit O Blarney Scroll down to
You must watch this and watch it! It will be especially enjoyable if you are a Beatles fan.
Now I'm off to try to find the paint and touch up some chipped paint that one of the furbabies scratched off. Have a great Sunday and a great week ahead.

Nothing beats sitting in your pjs, reading and sipping tea......

For the first time in several days I am lounging. Ahh...what a good feeling. On Friday Rob took off and I had so hoped to make it to New York for the parade but that was not to be. I had many things to do that day, which I did, which included a wonderful dinner of Irish soda bread fresh from the oven and corned beef and cabbage. I have tweeked my recipe to perfection. Most people don't realise that this is NOT an Irish dish. I gave my recipe to a woman from Ireland that I work with.
Work will be very hectic this week. Our owner is in Utah on a vacation trip with her married daughters flying in to stay with them. Our office administrator had a death in the family and will be out Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday leaving me in charge of the clerical aspects. Fortunately another broker is there and will take care of anything needing her expertise.
This morning I was finally able to lounge in my pjs. My favorite ones where the pants have summer flip flops in various prints. I'm a bit chilly but the cotton is so comfortable. I ran everyday this week except for the one day where I was home cooking and washing dishes and countertops nonstop. I finally got caught up on reading my emails and regular journals. I didn't take time to leave many comments.
It's great to be working and getting a paycheck but it's hard to fit everything in to the leisure time that is left. I don't have paid sick days or vacation days so I don't call out. Often I am running errands on my way in or on my way home. I had forgotten how hectic it can be and I leave most days at 3. Most of the woman who are there for the nine hour days only work two or three days a week. This week I will be working hours longer each day. I worked yesterday but will have next Saturday off.
I recently had an odd experience. We have an adorable new neighbor, J. She is from New York and engaged to be married in April. I have only spoken to her three times and she is younger than my son. The other day she came over with an elegant wedding invitation (nothing like anything I have ever seen before.) She invited us to her wedding. It's black tie and at a country club. Rob owns a tux, he bought it for OUR wedding. The only gown I currently own is the one I was married in. It is so far out of our budget to buy a gown for ONE wedding, and give a gift that would be enough to attend a country club wedding. I am wondering how to tell her this without hurting her feelings. When Rob and I got married we only invited people truly close to us and didn't even invite all of our relatives. Sometimes I feel that inviting people when they have to give a gift can be an imposition. I wanted people to know that was NOT expected. I would prefer to have people make donations to a charity in our honor. Now days it seems that people feel it's appropriate to invite someone they've met three times when the person would be expected to give hundreds of dollars. I think that's inconsiderate. Now, I will feel that I must give her a gift when I hardly know her. I just wish I wasn't put in this position. Perhaps she didn't want us to feel left out.
Rob recently found one of the most interesting things I have seen online. It's a man named Chris Bliss with a fascinating juggling routine. Please check it out:
Bit O Blarney Scroll down to
You must watch this and watch it! It will be especially enjoyable if you are a Beatles fan.
Now I'm off to try to find the paint and touch up some chipped paint that one of the furbabies scratched off. Have a great Sunday and a great week ahead.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Though we travel
the world over
to find
the beautiful,
we must carry it
with us
or we will
find it not.

Blogging along..........

Today was pay day. Woohoo! I got my raise and it felt wonderful. It was left out of last week's check so I got it for four weeks in one check. I am going to reward myself with something wonderful like a pedicure. We are paying down our floor with Rob's overtime. Tonight as I was vacumning, I dropped a heavy paperweight and it made a dent in the floor. At first I got upset and then I had to do a check on myself and remind myself that things get damaged and accidents happen. It's not life altering and I can't let it upset me. I am a cautious person but regardless things happen from time to time. I am through letting things like that ruin my hours, days, weeks or months. Life is just too short.
Tonight our neighber had to go for her daughter's teacher conference. She needed someone to watch her daughter for 45 minutes. I happily volunteered. Her daughter is an only child like my son was. She is so pretty, intelligent and a real joy to spend time with. She bought over her new electronic pen that was pretty cool. I showed her my photo album of pets. Like me she is an animal lover. We had such a nice visit. I often think of how I might have enjoyed a daughter. Someday if my son chooses the right life partner I may know what it's like.
The clock is ticking and IDOL will soon be on. I am hoping that the ax hits Kevin between his chicken little eyes and Kelly goes back to the hog farm or wherever. What might start out as cute can become irritating as hell.
Well time to go find some IDOL worthy snacks like crackers and a cheese log.
My darling is out throwing darts tonight. I hope to sneak a nap in before he gets home. I sure hope his bout of insomnia passes. I'm too old for this and it has a terrible impact on my when I lose my beauty sleep. I swear I have dark circles under my eyes. Sweet dreams everyone.

Monday Monday.....don't go away

This weekend I did something I rarely do. The animals had me up early and I put the tv on and I actually watched a minister on television preach. The people I work with rave about this man, Joel Osteen. I have to admit that I enjoyed the sermon very much. He was preaching about CONTROL. It hit home for me. He was saying that we have to allow our children to grow up. To make their own decisions, even when we don't agree with them. So often we have planned our children's lives out. When they don't follow our plan we try to guilt them or push them to do what we want. That only makes them angry and ruins our relationship with them. I know that but it's still hard not to think that Mom knows best.
Yesterday my son came over and sat down. He looked serious and began to tell me a story about where he works. He began with "Did Dad call and tell you what happened?" Immediately I ASSumed that something had happened with his job. It was really an entertaining story in which my son impressed the police, his bosses and a coworker. It really made me think how often I have preconceived notions about his behavior. My little boy that insisted on three books a night before he would go to sleep is grown up. As much as my instinct will always be to protect him, I have to see him through different eyes. He's a man. An intelligent man at that. Even though I think that at times he makes mistakes, I have made mistakes. It's easy to give our children roots but it's another thing to give them wings. I think when we do give them wings it takes a huge load off of our shoulders. The wings are just as essential to give and our job is only half done when we fail to do that.
I also went to mass yesterday. It's lent. This year the emphasis is on doing a good deed instead of denying oneself. I like that much better. I hadn't given up anything for lent so this works for me. Since lent began I have tried to do one good deed a day. Most have been anonymous. That's the true way to do a good deed. At first I thought it might be hard to come up with something everyday. Not at all.
Yesterday I cleaned out my overflow food pantry in the garage and I have a nice bag of groceries for the food center. Yesterday I cleaned out my closet and took a nice bag of clothes to the women's shelter. It's such a good feeling to share and most of us have things we don't need or use. Today I am also donating an extra coffee maker to our office. This lent has meant much more to me spiritually than ones past. Try doing one good deed today and see how good it feels.

Why I Hate Guns

Last night I gave myself a wonderful treat. I called my friend Karan (we met when we were both ten years old and in the fifth grade). We talked for a few hours catching up. She now lives in Texas and Hurricane Rita did a lot of damage to her house. They just got done with many external repairs and are now ready to tackle some indoor ones.
Karan and I shared a tragedy at our young ages. Our older brothers were best friends. When we moved to New Jersey we only had two families with kids our ages that we could walk to see. Karan and Michael were one family. My brother hunted a lot with Michael and his older brother, Johnny. One afternoon, November 16th, it was lightly raining and foggy. They asked my brother to go with them but my mother wouldn't let him. Thank God. Johnny had been experiencing some problems with the safety on his rifle. Apparently, he was walking ahead of Michael and tripped, the shotgun went off blowing a hole through Michael's neck. They were deep in the woods but John managed to carry him to the local main road. At this time our town was very rural and it took nearly five minutes for a truck to come. When they saw the two of them (John was holding Michael's limp body) the trucker drove on. Finally someone stopped and called the police and an ambulance. By the time Michael got to the hospital ( a brand new far from state of the art hospital back them) he was gone. Aside from losing her closest sibling, my friend Karan had a hard time forgiving her older brother, as did family and other friends. Poor John was not yet twenty years old and had a pregnant wife at the time. That marriage ended quickly. It was always felt that Michael was the family favorite. Karan's Mom had a breakdown. She was such a sweet woman. She still loves with her. She just turned eighty. I still go sometimes to Michael's grave. There's a hedge that has to be trimmed back. At that time the local priest refused to give Michael a Catholic funeral. This was because the previous June Michael had not been confirmed. I still feel anger when I think of that. The entire parish felt it was wrong and eventually the priest was moved to another parish. On cold rainy foggy November days I think of Michael. I often wonder if it was his time. What if they hadn't gone that day? So many lives might be so different. Especially John's. He has been through a series of marriages and I believe he stills struggles with so much. Karan can still get very emotional when we talk about Michael. I'm her only friend who knew him that she is in touch with. She has three children of her own. Her one son named her grandson after him. I can still see Michael in my mind. So good looking with his long brown hair covering his one eye. Standing over a red bike with a white banana seat. That's the way he lives forever in my mind. Fourteen years old with a shy smile that could melt your heart.
A tragedy that touched so many lives, and changed them forever.
This is why I am strongly against guns. My father and brothers always hunted. Guns were something that were always in my house growing up. I shot a shotgun once. It knocked me on the ground. Last time I cared to touch one. At age ten I had the above experience with Michael. Since then I have not cared to be around a gun and I never allowed one in my house.
About ten years ago my grandfather died. "Pops" grew up in Alabama and guns were a way of life to him. He taught my Dad to hunt and they hunted often, despite an incident where one of his friend's sons accidentally killed his father. When Pops died he had a few pistols and my Dad gave one to my middle brother. My middle brother kept the gun LOCKED in a box. One day his friend Charlie came to see him. Charlie had known him since they were in second grade. He asked my brother if he could see the gun. My brother took the key out of his dresser and took the gun out. Charlie asked to hold it. My brother let him and then his wife called him to come for dinner. My brother knew the gun was empty, shut the box and went to eat. The following morning my brother woke up to his door bell ringing. The police were there wanting to know if he owned a certain make of gun. "Yes. It's registered. Why are you asking?" The police told him to produce the gun. He went into his closet and there was an empty box. He came out showing them the box and they asked him when he had last seen his friend Charlie. At that time he realized what must have happened. Charlie had been planning a suicide. My brother never knew it but Charlie had been under the care of mental health professionals on and off for years. It seems that he was denied a gun permit. He came and took the gun and killed himself with it. My brother, a sweet and kind person, was devastated by it. It took years for him to get over it. Charlie did leave a letter to his estranged wife and parents, telling them not to blame my brother that he had stolen the gun without permission. The gun was held by the police for a very long time. When they called my brother to come pick it up he didn't want to touch it. He called my father and told him that if any one in the family wanted it they could have it. My father did pick it up and put it somewhere... I have no idea where. I do know this: guns kill people. The ones who survive the tragedy are never the same. I don't believe citizens need to own guns.
The NRA has so many paid lobbyists because there members (which include some of my family members) are fanatics. Most people who hunt spend more money on supplies than the meat they get for free would cost them to purchase. They just enjoy the "sport" of hunting. I love animals. I wear leather and I do eat meat. I just cannot imagine looking at an animal, God's beautiful creatures and killing them for sport.
Anyway last night got me thinking.....again......about how I hate guns and the devastation they cause.

A weekend on it's way

St. Patrick's Day is on it's way. I missed the first parade last Sunday in Belmar. The second parade is in Union tomorrow. I had hoped Rob would not have to work and we could attend but he has to work until noon. It's an hour ride to the parade (which starts at 1) but the parking by then will be overflowing. I will have to decide whether to go myself with my friend Laura and her husband or not. I almost feel guilty about going because if I go I could not be home until 5 or 6 and Rob will be home at noon. I treasure our weekend time together. Lately he has been working constant overtime. I am insisting he take off for St. Patrick's Day on Friday and maybe we will go into the city for the big parade there.
I have to be in work a bit earlier today to meet with our IT person. It seems he always installs a new program and then he leaves and we have all kinds of problems happening. Often with default settings and there are so many computers and since I can't touch the server (and wouldn't know how to fix it) we end up fixing things one computer at a time. One thing that is frustrating is I do not have my own desk. I feel as though I am a nomad wandering from availabe work place until that one gets claimed. I have no place to store anything personal (except in a tiny spot in the owner's office). I have never experienced this before and at times it's frustrating. I don't have my own computer and I am someone who had my own cubicle previously. I am hoping to work something out there. I am only part time although I seem to be putting in more and more hours. I am so looking forward to my next check. It will not only pay the bills that are waiting but for the first time since I returned to work there will be a little extra. Whoppee! Thinking about how to spend the money is actually more fun than doing so.
I am finding that I am not sleeping well and my energy level is suffering. I use most of my energy at work and come home and many days just crash. The days I can muster up the energy I take Duffy outside and we have a lot of fun playing retrieve.
It's a beautiful sunny day here in N.J. I suspect I will soon see some of my daffodil bulbs poking through the ground. I love them.
Well time to jump in the shower and decide what Springlike outfit I will wear today. Most likely it will be a green and pink skirt that I bought last Fall. In a designer store at the mall for a huge price but I bought it later at T.J. Maxx for one third the price. It's a Sigrid Olsen and I love her clothes. A bright beautiful green background with darker green flowers on hot pink leaves. It's a soft flowing skirt that's a pleasure to wear. I wear a hot pink top with it.
Have a great weekend!

Thoughts for Today

Life changes so much from day to day. On Sunday my brother's dog who seemed fine the day before went into a diabetic coma. He was gone within hours. The following day they couldn't stand the emptiness of their home and they adopted another little Boston Terrier and named him Jake. Today I got to meet and hold Jake. It was bittersweet because it reinforced that Harley was gone. Still, I choked back my tears to welcome my new friend to our family.
I came home and learned that Dana Reeves had lost her battle with lung cancer. This has really shaken me up. Firstly, Christopher and Dana both seemed to be such humanitarians. They worked feverishly to help others and offered support to many. I found myself asking God why he could let this happen to their young 13 year old son. There are just times I have no answers and this is one of them. On Sunday morning, a friend of mine from online lost his wife, a bit older, to lung cancer also. She had battled it for quite some years and they were able to celebrate their 50th anniversary last Fall. I worry that he will be okay without her.
Yesterday I read on a message board that our J-Land friend Pam had two brain tumors. One was to be operated on right away which was noon our time. I had a knot in my stomach thinking about her today. I checked the message board many times and tonight her sister posted that she had come out of surgery and was in ICU. Pam is the mother of two teenagers. Please keep her in your prayers in the days to come. Pam has been battling lung cancer for about six months I believe. She has kept a journal to keep us informed until recently when her thoughts became too confused with her words and typing. We have missed her tremendously and eagerly await her return. So tonight I am thinking of many people who are hurting, physically and emotionally. Sometimes life is so hard. The only way to get through is with the thoughts and prayers of others and love from the ones who surround us. I am so grateful to have all of that. We miss and love you Pam. I pray that somehow you will feel that tonight and make your way back to us.

What is a friend?

Over the years I have had many times where I asked myself what a friend was. The deffinition changed from time to time. Sometimes it was more about them understanding me and others it was about me "getting" them. All in all, over the years I have come to some conclusions about friendship. It has to be a give and take. It will never be a 50/50 give and take. Sometimes my friends need 100% from me and can't give anything back. Other days it reverses. You can't count the favors or gifts. Most importantly,a friend is there when you need them. Unless they are undergoing their own crisis and sometimes that happens to. In order to have friendships you have to be understanding and forgiving. Many people cannot do that. The older I get the more tolerant I am of the shortcomings of others. I now accept that I make mistakes, am far from perfect. Knowing that how can I expect more of others? It wouldn't be fair. I do the best I can and hope that my friends do the same.
There have been times in my life where I felt very let down by friends. In hindsight I can usually understand now, applying a bit more maturity. I hope that they will give me the same benefit of the doubt. There was one time in particular that I have found difficult to accept. That friendship was something I let go of. I cannot see it ever resurfacing. My feelings have changed so much for this person. When I was undergoing my heart surgery I wanted to see most of my friends before it happened. One friend, Laura had driven nearly an hour and we were going out to dinner. We asked another friend JoAnne to join us. She said no but invited us back to her house afterward. I was so looking forward to this reunion. We had all met when our children were patients of a hemotologist/oncologist. We had known each other for over ten years and we had really been there for JoAnne when she lost her daughter. I had also been there for J as she went through two divorces and later when her ex husband committed suicide. There was never a moment when she called that I didn't drop everything and go. That night when we arrived we were barely seated when she got a phone call from some guy she had been dating (who refused to make any commitment to her and seemed to be using her). He told her we needed to leave so he could come over and they could have sex. Mind you, the guy had been off work all day and could have come at any time but waited until 9p.m. when we were there. I sat there in shock as she told him to come and told us to leave. She said that we had to understand. Hmmmm NO. I never received a call of apology. I had the surgery, spent three weeks in the hospital and a long four month recovery where I was at home, not even able to drive. She never called or came over. About a year later she sent an email saying she was sorry if she had upset me. I feel that an act such as that showed she had no regard for me as a friend. Despite all I had done for her. I never did anything hoping for payback. I just expected friendship and caring. I have never contacted her and frankly, I lost all respect for her that night. I have learned from some others who are still speaking to her that her relationship with this man continues to be the same.
While JoAnne abandoned the friendship during my crisis, my friend Laura came to the hospital nearly everyday.When I finally got out of CICU and had a phone I called her and left a message. It was 4a.m. but I was so confused I thought it was the afternoon and asked her where she was! When I was in CICU I was only allowed to have my husband and son visit but she called Rob daily for updates and to give him support. She even helped me to "wash" my hair with this crazy stuff that is not really shampoo but after ten days of not washing it, you are happy to have anything removed! Laura and I have shared some happy times and some difficult times. She has COPD and a son with severe hemophilia. Her life is hard. When she lost her mother I was heartbroken not to be able to attend the funeral but I had just started a new job and was on probation. I was only able to take ONE day off during that 90 day period and that was for my grandmother's funeral. I wasn't allowed the day before or after off. Only the one. Laura understood. She knew I had to have that job to make it. REAL friends understand that we have limitations. In the real world there will be legitimate times that a friend cannot be there for you no matter how much they want to be. However I do not consdier a booty call a valid reason!
Today is Laura's birthday. Last year on March 4th the day before her birthday, Laura rode with me to pick up Duffy. She knew that meant I wouldn't be able to take her out for her birthday the next day. We stopped at a small restuarant and got lunch and I gave her her gifts. She was o.k. with that. That is REAL friendship. She said her best gift was seeing the look on my face as I held Duffy! So today, I want to say that I have many things in my life that I am grateful for. My friends are one of them. Laura in particular. She's not perfect, but she's giving and wonderful and loving and I treasure her. Even when she's in a bad mood and wont' pick up the phone!
I know that when I lost Sandie she cried with me. I know when she lost her Tashu I cried with her. Friends share your joys and pain. So today, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAURA!
Thank you for all the joy and caring and love you share with me on a daily basis.
I'll be up there later and I hope we can go to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch. OX

Beware the Ides of March

March has arrived. Today I was so eager to see my friend Wendy who I have not seen in over six months. We had all the plans worked out but she called early this morning to let me know she had that stomach virus that's going around. I was tired myself to I crawled back in bed. I don't know why I have such a hard time sleeping in the daylight hours but I do. I ran to the store and picked up a few groceries. As I settled down the phone rang. It was a dry cleaner. They told me I had dropped a sweater off in November and never picked it up. HUH?? What color I asked. Peach. No, I don't own anything in peach. She insisted and my curiousity got the best of me. I put Duffy in the car and drove a few miles and sure enough, there was my PINK (very much a soft pink) silk sweater. I apologized for leaving it there so long. Now I am wondering what other items of clothing might be at various dry cleaners that I have totally forgotten about! I must start writing things down I guess. I remember cleaning out my closet and finding that sweater and noting it needed to go to the cleaners but this is ridiculous!
Tomorrow I go to my heart surgeon. Wonderful man. It's in the city and it's quite an ordeal to park in the available garages and walk up the hill to his building. He is located in a university hospital. I look forward to having him reassure me that things are fine. No one else's opinion counts like his does. When I think that he literally held my heart in his hands as he sewed my new valve into place it is mind boggling.
Rob has had to work late all week. He leaves at 8a.m. and gets home about 7:30. I really miss him during the two hours he is usually here. So do the pets. They keep looking at the door and out the window. It's nice to be loved. He usually plays darts on Wednesday night but tonight he won't because he cut the back of his finger badly and can't bend it. I am looking forward to having a Wednesday with him. Even though we have been together for six years, I still enjoy his company. We always have little stories to share and private jokes to laugh about. When I think how anxiety ridden I was before Rob was a part of my life it's amazing. He has helped me to relax and enjoy life. I used to worry about everything and now I can be pretty laid back about most things. I like the new me. I will always carry some baggage from my past but that's ok. It feels like the bags are getting lighter and lighter as time moves on. The greatest warriors are these two: time and patience.