Busy, Busy, Busy

I have never been so busy as I have the past few weeks. On Tuesdays I see my surgeon in the wound clinic for him to monitor my progress. I had a wound vac put on for three weeks and it came home this week. Progress! The wound remains about four or so inches long and about an inch deep. It started out about eleven inches long with a depth of over 2 1/2 inches so this IS progress but it's been slow. About three days a week a visiting nurse comes to change the dressing, listen to my lungs and check my vitals.

I had learned a few weeks ago that my bottom right lung was still partially collapsed from the surgery.
This Tuesday an xray showed that the sack surrounding my lungs once again has fluid in it This is an ongoing battle that I fight. Very frustrating No matter how little salt I eat, no matter how diligent I am with the medications to remove fluid, it still accumulates. When it does I am short of breath and to walk a short distance is somewhat taxing. The solution becomes having the fluid removed via a large needle. This is not something one wants to happen. I feel I am a lung expert by now. Ignorance IS bliss when it comes to this stuff.

It's been rather hot here. I am finally starting to drive short distances. I can't lift over 5 pounds so things like grocery shopping are out of the question. My pain is less than it was but I do have pain at times. Going up the stairs has to be very slow. I think the swelling has gone down some. I am wearing my regular clothes but they sometimes don't feel comfortable.

Rob has off four days for the fourth of July. Woohoo. The bad thing is that Monday is my birthday and he can't take that day off or he won't get paid for the two holiday days. We're going to have to celebrate on Sunday. Yesterday started out to be a terrible day: FIOS went out at 8:30 a.m. That meant no phone, internet or tv as I waited for my visiting nurse to arrive at 10:30. At about ten I showered and I had to remove the dressing and packing (ugh). The nurse was running late and I just had gauze over the wound.
My sister-in-law Leslie showed up (what a wonderful surprise!) with her daughter Jamie. I have such beautiful nieces. Leslie had made me a bean salad that was so delicious, a Guy Fieri recipe. When the nurse later arrived she had a machine that was problematic and I had to go to the cardiologist for a PT (blood test). I got home and got a nice delivery of Omaha Steaks (and pork chops, chicken etc.) sent by my generous and loving cousins in Maryland. It turned out to be a great day. Our FIOS didn't come back until ll:30 last night though. How did we ever live without the internet? Thank God for cell phones.

Gallbladder saga part two

I am now on somewhat of a schedule. Way too busy honestly for someone recuperating from surgery. On Mondays I was having my blood level checked to see if it was thin enough. On Tuesdays I see my surgeon at the wound care clinic. Thank God they numb me up with lidocaine before he touches the wound. He removes the top layer of skin that has healed and it is not fun.
I was mistaken about the parts unhealed being only an inch deep. They were 2.5 deep. Last Saturday I got the wound vac. They stuff a spongy product into the wound. It's very strange. The following Monday the visiting nurse came and felt there was way too much bleeding so she called my surgeon and told him. Since he knew I was already anemic he insisted I go to the emergency room to have my hemoglobin tested and if necessary, to have a transfusion. I had to find a driver first which I did. When I arrived I was shocked that on a Monday afternoon there were 100 people in the ER in total. Took awhile until they got me set up and blood drawn. The resident came in and said that they were afraid I had blood clots in my lungs because I was so short of breath. I was so NOT happy at that point. I pointed out that I was on IV heparin or the coumadin (closely monitored) and felt it was not possible. They wanted to do this scan which involves getting dye which is not good for your kidneys. I took out my cell and called my lung doctor. She came to the ER and basically took my side. The blood test showed that I did not need a transfusion however the chest x ray showed a partially collapsed lung on the right side. This is what was affecting my breathing. Ugh. No wonder the oxygen didn't help. Had I used the piece of breathing equipment that they gave me after surgery? No, I hadn't. So I came home that evening. On Tuesday I saw the surgeon and he said he saw some signs of healing that he had not before and was encouraged. They put the wound vac back on and I was on my merry way.

I have visiting nurses coming on Thursday and Saturday to change the packing and check my vitals. They have decided to test my blood saving me the Monday trips to do that. They lecture me on eating. I have been home from the hospital some two weeks and am down about ten pounds. I have no appetite. When I force myself to eat I get indigestion. The surgeon tells me that this will work itself out. I hope so. I am kind of housebound not being able to drive. This past week one of my friends came for a visit. That was nice but by the time I had to put lunch together for us I was shot. People don't realize how a major surgery takes such a toll on you.

Rob has been working Saturdays. This is extra hard right now because I rely on him to do so much. My mother lives 5 minutes away and is willing to drive me to an occasional doctor visit but she does nothing more. Rob gets up at 5:30 a.m. for work and after working in a warehouse all day comes home and has to prepare dinner. On weekends he vacuums, cuts the grass, etc.
I feel terrible that I can do nothing right now. I am still in a lot of pain. While the wound is healing I'm told it's still about two inches deep in four spots. My cut is diagonal and you can't move without it hurting.

Rob's in the shower right now and we are going to go for a drive somewhere to get me out of the house. Haven't been anywhere since Tuesday. Maybe get lunch somewhere. I will be so relieved when the pain eases and I know the wound has healed. The surgeon has assured me that one "problem" on the CT scan is nothing to worry about. They found a hiatal hernia which I will have to see a gastroenterologist to treat when I can drive again.

Oh for a boring life!!!!

The Gallbladder Saga

I knew that in late April or May my gall bladder had to be removed. I also knew that because of the size of it ("huge" according to my surgeon and the radiologist who scanned it) that it would be the old school way. No little three holes and leave the hospital that day for me. I was admitted on May 15th and began my IV blood thinner after stopping the pills. On May 17th I was wheeled down for the surgery. I woke up and found myself in SICU. Thankfully I was breathing on my own but surprised that they had my bed in an almost upright position. The nurses and care there was wonderful but I didn't do so well. My hemoglobin had dropped and although I had received two pints of plasma doing the surgery I ended up getting two more after passing out on them. They did three scans to make sure I wasn't bleeding internally, which thankfully I wasn't. I finally made it down to a regular room when they told me that I was not healing well. I have to say there were several factors that I feel were to blame: I was woken every six hours for bloodwork, I had noisy roommates and the hospital is not a quiet place. Finally after two plus weeks I was sent home. At this point I was ready to lose it. When I saw the surgeon the following week he said the wound was not healing well and he referred me to a wound care clinic and ordered a visiting nurse and daily dressing changes. He was not able to remove the staples.

Yesterday I followed up at the wound care clinic (what a marvelous place and group of people.) I won't go into the details but was so thankful they numbed me up first. Today they will be bringing something called a wound vac to put on it to help the healing. I have four places that are more than an inch deep. It's quite painful still. I am trying to move about the house throughout the day and not be a couch potato. I'm really not up to activities such as shopping. He did remove the staples yesterday. My surgeon is really wonderful. My inability to heal is caused by many factors such as anemia (after all the blood my hemoglobin is still 8), the PH I have with my lungs lowers my oxygen levels which promote healing and I have belly fat. :(

I am trying to look at this as a minor inconvenience that will pass. I hate being so helpless and having to rely on others so much. A family friend Joyce an R.N. has been wonderful coming here and helping me with dressing changes and such. I'm hoping this will only be about a four week ordeal. When it's over with I have to pursue the other issues they found on the CT scans.

Researching Ancestry

Lately I have been working on my ancestry....really on my father's side. I was fortunate that my aunt and cousin had done a spectacular job on my mother's side. They are making trips to Frederick, Maryland where many were buried and seeing headstones. Exploring my father's side has been difficult. Dad was born in Flomaton, Alabama to two people who were born in the nearby town of Brewton. Many of the local records were destroyed when during the Civil War the court house was burned down, not once but twice. We had to start out with family tales and work from there. My grandmother died about fifteen years ago (had Alzheimer's for five  years prior) and had never shown us family photos. I don't blame her, but myself for not asking many questions. She had told us that she Native American blood. I wanted to see if that were so. She had suggested numerous tribes. Her grandfather where this blood came from was rather quiet about this. He spoke the language fluently but refused to speak it or teach it to his children after he was threatened one night for speaking it. This was also the time (when he was older) that the Civil War was going on. My grandmother said he was in both Yankee and Confederate armies. This sounded impossible. What my research suggests was that he might have been a Yankee Scout. There were documents for the Confederate but not them. I was told that Yankee Scouts were paid in cash. Most could not read or write so no records were taken or kept.

According to a cousin Virgie my grandfather was a liberal before his time. He felt compassion for slaves and didn't want to support slavery. He had black folk in his house as guests which was frowned on by his neighbors. Native Americans had no prejudice and often married black mates. At that time there were no records kept of who was with what tribe. My grandfather was from South Carolina and I believe he was Cherokee. When he relocated to Alabama he was part of the Creek (or southeastern Muskogees. They shared their language with the Seminoles in Florida. He married a woman who it seems had some Ancestors who were at least part Creek. It is difficult because names were misspelled and often changed to other names: example Coatney and Courtney.

This has been so interesting and had led me to join a tribe. The tribe I joined is not federally recognized. This is in part because many of the members were not on the Dawes list. This is what the government went by. If you agreed to be relocated you were put on the list. My grandfather took his family and hid in the woods for a few years, along with others, who refused to be relocated. These people knew who they were, knew which of them had "Indian" heritage. Later the government agreed to come and take applications to recognize some of them. Many of those got federal benefits. I am not interested in that at all. To me, I just want the ancestral information. It's been a fascinating and at times frustrating journey but I have made strides. Best of all, I have met a wonderful group of people, members of the Perdido Bay Tribe. I love the people from the South. They are genuine. In the area that I live people are so materialistic. At one time I had the large house and shopped in Nordstrom's. Now I live in the small house and much of my income goes for medical bills. I am okay with that. I lost many "friends" when I couldn't keep up with them. Now my friends are people who struggle but will go online and spend a day helping me research. They will mail me a card when I am sick or call me on the phone. They keep in touch. They enrich my world and I am so grateful.

Boston and Frustration

I am usually a peaceful person. In the past I was a pacifist for the most part. I no longer feel that way. I am angry and very frustrated. I am so angry that a wonderful man, Mr. Richard lost his 8 year old son, will have to see his young daughter deal her entire life without a leg (she was an Irish dancer), and we don't know the extent of his wife's "head injury". All this hell and so much more created by these fanatical cowards. The anger comes from this: this family came to the U.S. under the guise of needing political asylum. We granted them that and we gave them welfare. These "YOUNG MEN" (not what I would choose to call them) took a scholarship, took up room in colleges while other decent kids were denied getting in. Their mother was convicted of shoplifting. The older brother I have read had a YouTube account promoting their fanaticism. This was for years. WHY were these people given the asylum in the first place? Why were they allowed to become citizens? Why didn't the FBI take the warning from another government seriously? Oh so many questions.

I have lived and worked hard and paid taxes in this country for nearly sixty years. ENOUGH of letting so many people (from questionable areas and backgrounds) in. Shut the doors. Lady Liberty says "Give me your tired and poor" She does NOT say "give me your fanatics and zealots". We need to wake up in this country. When I was younger the thought of a terroristic act in this country was unthinkable. Since 911 it's happened over and over. We can't protect the children in our schools right now safely. We need to padlock the doors for now and get our ducks in a row. Not sure how to do that but when 170 Americans and injured and 3 killed, along with the two police officers, we need to say "ENOUGH!" I also suggest deporting the remaining family members once someone from a "political asylum" family is found to be a terrorist.

You may feel I am overreacting but if so, look at the videos again. These boys WATCHED the victims. They told their friends they hated Americans. The next time a terrorist attacks it might be someone in your family who is their victim.

Waiting Patiently....

I've been so busy since I've been home from the hospital. Mainly going to the hospital to have my biliary tube flushed and dressing changes and to see all the doctors who are taking care of me which include a surgeon, my pulmonary doctors, my cardiology team, infectious disease doctors and an occasional visit to the radiology place for an x ray. Last week I had to see two doctors/facilities on one day a few times. My blood thinner has been way too high because of being on antibiotics so that has required extra visits to the cardiology office and/or lab.

Overall I think I am doing well for what is happening. I have lost another 18 pounds in the past month. Fortunately, I had extra weight that I could lose. I still have a few more extra pounds that I will probably drop over the next few months. My appetite just isn't there. When I do eat it's really small portions. Sometimes I think something sounds very appealing but when it comes to eating it, I just can't. This is especially true with meat. I can manage small amounts of grilled chicken or part of a burger but that's about it. I am existing on salads and toast or small sandwiches.

My biliary tube is quite a nuisance. It's sewn into the skin of my belly and if it gets tugged it hurts. When I go weekly to the hospital for them to flush it and change the sterile dressings it's quite unpleasant. Fortunately, I have had someone to drive me each time as when I leave I have to merge onto two major highways. This would be difficult to do while in pain.

I saw the surgeon last week and he said that when he sees me again on April 23rd we will set the surgery date. He wanted to wait the full six weeks because I have had a fever that has recurred along with a wheeze in my left lung and a cough. They want me to be in good condition for the surgery. I so look forward to not having the drain or the gallbladder anymore. I cannot shower while I have this tube either. It's too vulnerable to infection. Sponge baths just don't cut it. No matter how often you have them. I know this is just an inconvenience and a few months from now I should be back to normal. I can't wait. I took care of my taxes today. Trying to get everything in order so I can relax. Each day I get more EOBS and medical bills in the mail. When it's all said and done I will owe thousands. One day at a time.

Home Again (Finally)

March 6th was a terrible evening for me. It began soon after I ate a dinner of chicken, green beans and potatoes. I suddenly began to feel very ill. The pressure in my chest had me convinced it was a heart attack and I told Rob that I had to get to the ER. Several hours later I learned that the heart wasn't the issue but it was a badly infected gall bladder that was blocked from two huge stones. I'm not one to take pain meds but I welcomed every shot of morphine they gave me. I was really sick and had to be given IV anti nausea medication as well. I was admitted and for days the surgeon agonized over whether to remove it or not. Firstly, I had to get off the blood thinner which they did immediately but it took 5 days to get out of my system. In the meantime, although on IV antibiotics the white count continued to climb. That made surgery a no go as they couldn't afford to spread the infection. In the end, it was decided that I needed a temporary gall bladder drain until I could have the surgery. I got that two weeks ago. It's a bit more involved than you would think as the catheter is through the liver and gall bladder and collected in a bag. The drain is in my belly and must be kept completely sterile. I have to go to the hospital once a week to have them irrigate/redress it.

My hospital stay wasn't too bad other than the constant labs and Ivs. Days 2 through 8 I lucked into a private room and day 10 I got the best hospital roommate I ever had. She made those last few days fun. Even the nurses commented they had never seen two roommates get along so well and have so much fun.

They finally let me come home day 15. The previous day I developed a cold and have been coughing ever since. I'm still on a lot of medicine. I have to see the surgeon and hopefully I can have the necessary surgery in four weeks. Of course, should the drain fail, I will need it sooner.
Keep your fingers crossed.

Feeling Better

The last post I made was about how tired I was. I am happy to report that I have taken some triple strength, time released iron and am putting raisins in nearly everything I can, and am feeling better.
I am also eating meat, something I had rarely done in the previous six months, with the exception of chicken. I've actually eaten two burgers. My doctor put me on cholesterol medicine anyway so I am throwing caution to the wind now. Not really but I am less concerned about eating some animal fat knowing I am on the medicine.

I have begun reading again. What a joy! In the past few weeks I have devoured many books including several by Jodi Picoult. I first read Lone Wolf, then House Rules and now am reading Songs of the Humpback Whale. Yesterday I received a box of books from my Aunt Judy. She reads a lot and has many wonderful used bookstores in her area. We only have one here. It's not close and the overwhelming mustiness of the place makes me cough and irritates my lung. The prices are high and I had stopped going.
Rob also joined paperback swap online and we list things we no longer want and get points to use for books we would like to receive. You should check it out if you haven't. Amazing way to recycle and not become overwhelmed with leftover books. I cannot stand the thought of throwing away a book. Our library doesn't really want donations anymore and it's a great way to get them to someone who wants them. I was happy to learn you can mail them via media mail which is roughly $2.50 per book.

I feel I have made a graduation of sorts. I turned in my portable oxygen tank. I no longer need it. Yes, there are days where I might need oxygen doing the day and on those days I stay home anyway. I have a copay of 20% and it was costly to keep something I was no longer using. Should I decide I need it again I can have one delivered that very day. Due to the facts that I am controlling my salt intake very well, taking my medicine three times a day for the PH and being careful to avoid getting sick, I am doing better overall.
It's been a long, tough road but I feel that the ground has levelled.....I am no longer constantly climbing a hill. That makes me so happy. My cousin asked me the other day how I could do it. One day at a time I told her. On bad days I have made it one hour at a time.

We have not had a real snow this year. A few tiny inches that melted the next day. I was disappointed. The sun is shining today and I know Spring is not far away. I do love the change of seasons. I am taking out a few things today to decorate for St. Patrick's Day.

For those of you who watch Downton Abbey......
I kept hearing all the chatter about the show and I do love London and most things British so I decided I would give it a shot. I found season 1 on Netflix so signed up for that. They didn't have season 2 so I found that I could get a FREE week of HuluPlus and signed up for that. Yes, I saw an entire season in about four days!!!! Then I watched the last season on PBS within a few days. So, in some ten days I watched all three seasons. Now I see what the fuss was about. It's a great show. The ending of this season was so sad though. I kept hoping that Matthrew and Mary would get together. They finally did. I kept hoping Mary would have a baby, she finally did....and then the unspeakable. My friend Colleen told me that they showed that episode in England on Christmas!!! That was just cruel.

Well, keep calm and carry on.

A Bit Tired

The past few months I had really been tired.....I mean so tired that when you wake up in the morning after sleeping 8 hours you think "How can I possibly still feel tired?" Everything took a lot of effort. I finally had the blood work done my cardiologist had requested several months ago and I found the source. I am very anemic. Usually my blood is about 13 (the scale goes up to 16). I have been at 8 for several months. They started me on a regimen of super duper iron pills. I take them for 30 days and have a repeat blood test done. If it's not better then I will have to go to a hemotologist for IVs of iron. Sounds like fun. You go for weeks and each treatment takes over an hour. I have been so tired that I would glady do this to feel better.

The weather here has been so crazy. They have predicted snow several times and then it basically snows an inch or two and the weather warms and it melts almost immediately. I wanted one good snow this year. It may still come.

I have been spending a lot of time on my ancestry work. I have made contact with two more family members this week. Most of them are in the Alabama/Florida area as I am working on my father's side of the family. One of the  more colorful characters I have met is Joe. He is my grandmother's brother's son. His Dad was shot and killed when he was just a year and a half old. His brother was three. His mother was only 24 at the time and kind of fell apart. Joe spent years in an orphanage until his mother came back for him. He is so loveable and my heart just breaks for the poor guy. He had three children, one son died and the other son contacts him a couple times a year. He was married a second time and had a daughter but when she was quite little his wife ran off and changed the girl's name it seems. I did a lot of searching on the computer and can't find a trace of her. Now his brother died and he is pretty much alone. I have been calling him once a week just to let him know someone cares. He seems so appreciative of that. It's good to connect with family, even distant members far away. It's what I've needed right now.

I updated my health blog and I am going to post the same thing here as I am too tired right now to do another entry. Please bare with me while everything seems to take so much energy. Will get fixed and be back soon. 
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It's been awhile since I have written in this blog. As with many other Phers I have multiple health issues. Right after Christmas I came down with an upper respiratory ailment and began running a lowgrade fever. I had to go see my lung specialist who immediately said what had been viral was now bacterial and put me on the first course of antibiotics, Levaquin. This drug is well known for knocking out pneumonia. My chest x ray did not show any pneumonia however it did show about half a litre of fluid surrounding my lungs. This is almost normal for me at this point. After a week I wasn't feeling a lot better and I went back. I was then given a huge dosage regimen of penicillin for the next week. If I wasn't feeling better by Sunday I was to let the doctor know as she would consider IV antibiotics and a hospitalization. I was feeling somewhat better and felt the chest part had really recovered. I was also using a nebulizer three times a day with a wonderful drug in it called Xopenex. It broke up the congestion. Fast forward a week or so and now I have developed the following: I am ALWAYS cold (one exception, in my bed with warm pjs on and under a down comforter designed for the chilly nights of New England. Other than that forget it! I am also seemingly compelled to eat ice. When talking with my mother, she reminds me that when my grandmother had those two symptoms she was always anemic. I went to the cardiologist today and he had the results of my bloodwork done on Monday. I can't believe it: my mother is right! I not only am anemic but he can tell I have been for some time. I have not been exercising because I simply have no energy right now to do so. I often feel light headed. I can sleep 8 hours and get up feeling very tired. He will be sending all that information over to my PCP, he thinks I might need a hematologist and shots. I hate needles but I hate this feeling even more. MY PH seems to be doing okay. I am not overly short on breath. My pulse oxymeter shows that I am rarely low now. I think the revatio is working well. One odd thing about the revatio. The other night I began to have really bad pains in my feet. My pain toleranced is quite high. I have had two open heart surgeries. (That means not only cutting through the sternum but the muscles, having ribs spread etc.) I am no stranger to pain and I want to tell you the pain was pretty bad. It felt like a sledge hammer had hit my feet several times each. I could barely stand to walk on them. I called the specialty pharmacy where I get my meds from and sure enough it is a KNOWN side effect. It lasted for a few days then went away. I asked a few PHriends and they had leg pain and/or foot pain. This is the value of knowing others who have what you have. Life goes on and I am doing okay except for the anemia. I have to get this treated and corrected. Everything is difficult when you are exhausted, my thinking is not clear and I am grumpy. Yes, I admit it, grumpy. Just ask the dog and cat. When they are whining and carrying on at 6:30 a.m. and my head is pounding it's not pretty. Hopefully my PCP (who is wonderful) will find me another doctor to help me. My cardiologist is also wonderful and such a great listener. He takes the time to listen to my complaints, answers any and all questions and is just helpful. I wish I had switched to him years earlier. Stay warm and carry on.

A New Year

It's been awhile since I have written an entry and there are many reasons for that....
Christmas had me overwhelmed with the blues this year right up until a few weeks before. At that time my spirits slowly began to lift (to which I credit the loving acts/visits of several people.) I made the decision about two weeks before to put up the tree, although I was not feeling enthusiastic. My son had the flu and was down and out for about ten days. He was not able to be around me and I had to be content to drop a few bags of things off at the door of his apartment. My breathing was problematic and shopping was difficult. I made an early decision that I would not be prepping or hosting a large meal or gathering. I received a turkey already so I decided just to cook it with minimal sides. I did bake about six batches of cookies. A few days before Christmas my doorbell rang and my thoughtful cousin sent me a lovely greenery centerpiece for the table, complete with candles. That brightened things up. Although we had the tree up we didn't do much more in the way of decorating. Fast forward to Christmas Eve. That afternoon I was feeling down and my sister and her daughters showed up at our door at 11 a.m. That was one of the best visits I have ever had with them. We had a good time and I talked about a lot of things going on that had been troubling me and now my adult nieces were giving me advice (good advice at that) and being very supportive. They encouraged me to get ready and go to my brother's that evening for his celebration and gift exchange. I did and had a wonderful time. The following morning Rob and I got up and opened our gifts. My son who was much better came over and opened his. We had a nice breakfast of Belgian waffles. I made the turkey dinner (with few sides and it was so much easier than my usual) and around four thirty my mother, sister and her "friend' came over and we had a nice visit and dessert. It was a very nice Christmas.

I saw my sister's girls and son-in-law the following day for several hours as well. Haven't spent that much time with them in a long time and it was wonderful.

A few days later I got sick. I figured I had the now wide spread flu in the area. When I began running a fever and my chest began to hurt I called my lung doctor's group. They called in an antibiotic and had me go for a chest x ray. The following week I wasn't better and I went in to see my lung doctor who said I had a bacterial infection on top of the flu. She prescribed medicines I put into my nebulizer, some stronger antibiotics and a few over the counter items. I am doing a bit better now but this flu has wiped me out.

Hopefully things will be back to normal soon. Just hoping Rob doesn't get it.
Happy New Year!!!!!

Fa La La La La

Tis the season of giving. In New Jersey there are so many in need this  year. I wasn't sure where to help out. After talking with others and actually going and taking some toys to two different groups, I found the place I could tell were the most interested in helping the kids and would put what I donated to the best use. I am so excited to be helping them. It's actually a dental office with three female dentists who are lovely people. Their receptionist, Barbara, is indescribable. She is a woman of boundless energy who is so highly motivated to help others and dispenses such caring and appreciation to those who are working towards that goal.

Last week my holiday spirit was in short supply. I saw something about this group on my town's facebook page and contacted them. I had two large bags I had put together. It was a dreary and rainy day and I just wanted to get the things out of here. When I met Barbara my mood lightened. She exuded holiday spirit and gave me a warm hug. By the time I left there I was feeling oh so much better. She gave me a tip of where I could buy a lot of toys inexpensively and I went to that store. I had another group in mind that were collecting at a real estate office in another town but had a drop off in my area. After buying another large bag of games and mainly Transformers I went to the other place. What a difference: disorganization central. There was no enthusiasm on the part of the person there and the toys were left where someone could grab some and run. Not that many people would do that in a medical office but hey you never know. I made up my mind I would stick with the other group (Galleria Dental of Manalapan, NJ.) Today I dropped off another bag to them. To be honest this year we shouldn't be buying many gifts. We should have cut way back. I have a pile of medical bills that need to be paid but I remember being a child and having nothing to open at Christmas. It was one of the last years my Dad was in the Navy. We had four kids and two foster kids. They were unofficial and my parents got no money for them but we knew their mother who was in a mental hospital and their father was an alcoholic. Each of those kids got a nice gift. My gift was a child's table that I shared with my little sister. Great gift for her but I was 9 and barely fit in the chair. Later that day I took a walk to my cousin's house and she had gotten one of those metal kitchens with a sink that water ran in. I was so jealous. I couldn't bear the thought of these children who lost their homes not having gifts to open. I am psyched. Since then I have put up a few decorations and I have cookie dough chilling. Rob is working six days a week right now so we have no tree as of yet. Oh...and speaking of Rob.....he got an early Christmas present. His brother bought himself a new PS3 and sent Rob his old one. He even paid to have it cleaned before he sent it. He also sent him two games. Rob was thrilled and I was thrilled for him!

It's so hard when you lose a loved one not to get down around the holidays. My Dad was always with me for Christmas. There was never a Christmas I didn't spend with him. This will be the second. In his memory, I am having the stones of his grandmother and great grandmother repaired. It's expensive but well worth it to me. I know he would want me to go on and to enjoy myself. I'm going to do that. My husband and son deserve a Merry Christmas and I plan to serve that up on a gigantic platter with a side of love. Life is so short. I have learned that it is in giving that we truly receive.

Regrouping

The past few weeks have been like a bad dream. This is the same feeling I had after 9/11. The feeling that such bad things don't happen in my little corner of the world. Healthwise they have but nothing else that compares with that time or this. I feel a bit in shock. I rarely watch the news as it makes me feel sad and helpless. I have a cousin (my ex's cousin who decided to stay with me post divorce) who is stuck on Long Island. What a disaster they have been living in. No power until yesterday when they learned they only have it in a portion of their home. The bottom floor was destroyed along with all their possession that were on that floor. They were in a hotel, were kicked out (told the room had been reserved prior) and this Sunday will be staying in another hotel while the sheet rock in their home that is full of mold now gets replaced. She has a 9 year old son. They are still using a generator they were able to get about ten days ago. They sat in the dark and protected their home from looters. When they get it fixed they are thinking of going to California, where her husband was from and where she lived about ten years ago.

My mother has a couple staying with her, in the apartment attached to her house. He is the assistant minister at her church and someone who has been a faithful visitor to me while in the hospital despite the fact that I don't go to their church. He is married to a woman who was originally from Canada and a nurse. They are both about 70 years old. He purchased a laptop and we went over tonight to help him get it set up for my mother's wi fi. At his age he wasn't happy that he could only get a Windows 8 pc but he took it and Rob tried to help him navigate through it. Rob also helped him set up a printer. I was busy watching his wife painstakingly removed soaked pictures from an album. It was a lovely album she had made of her childhood. Most of the old photographs (such as her grandparents wedding photo) were one of a kind. She was placing them between paper towels to dry. With each photo she had written her memories or family stories. I was so touched reading them, especially the one where she was 8 and her father, a farmer, was killed in a tractor incident. Her story that accompanied it told of how her mother, now a widow with four children had to make do on $13 a week. She had just started piano lessons and her mother told her that she could continue with them. Only as an adult did she learn they were 50 cents each and realize what a sacrifice her mother had made. (Incidentally she plays the piano in her church and plays beautifully.) I could see the love in her face as she spoke of her mother and so gently handled the soggy photographs. This was difficult to see.

When you go into the grocery stores the shelves are once again stocked. I picked up  a free turkey today (I had spent $300 on groceries in November to qualify.) I'm not sure I'm up to preparing a turkey dinner. I know Rob who worked all last weekend and will work this Saturday is not. It's not that I'm not grateful. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that our home was not damaged (except for one window sill which became water logged and must be replaced.) I am grateful that we were able, with the help of a high school friend to locate a generator and that my son had cash on hand to lend us to get it. ATMS were not working and all things required cash. I just feel broken hearted for all these people who lost so much. It will be years before their lives return to normal. In the case of the people I have written about while FEMA has been there their homeowners insurance has not and nothing can be done until they come and make decisions. FEMA gave them rent money. My mother told them to put it towards things they need right now. They are looking for a more permanent rental as my mother has all her stuff in that apartment. They want their own place and in fact, there is some doubt whether or not their house can be salvaged at this point. How do you start over in your seventies? They used to have their grandchildren one weekend a month. They can't do that at my mother's as there just isn't room in the apartment. I wish I had answers. I wish I could give them a big fat check to help them. I can only listen and sympathize. It seems like so little.

Things Returning to Semi Normal.....Slowly

We have traffic lights again....YEA!!!!! There were a few diners and pizza places open.The grocery stores have power but the shelves in the freezer aisles are empty and elsewhere have little. I think people went out and stocked up before the hurricane and immediately afterwards, not realizing that they would lose power a second time. I have a few items in my freezer but not a lot. Our Shop Rite had few meats and Target had none. You have to wonder if all the stuff that should have been thrown out was.

My doctors offices finally have power and phones back. There are sections where people gain then lose power again. The power company says it's because they have to close down some places before bringing others on. Last night I talked to a cousin whose daughter is on Long Island with no power, no cell etc. The first floor of her house is flooded. They got the water out and had to throw out all their belongings on that floor but are staying in one room upstairs. Yesterday they finally got a generator. I think now many people who never considered getting one will be out buying one. I feel so fortunate to have one now. Ours is not a large one but will do for our smaller home.

I have noticed that fewer people seem to be blogging these days. Fewer people are commenting. I guess lives are just very busy. I miss comments though. Hope you are warm and safe wherever you are. I think in another week or so we will be back to routines in my town. The shore areas are another story.

Hurricane Sandy

Last week we knew a hurricane was coming up the east coast. We have been warned in the past about such things but never really had a problem before. Hurricane Sandy was a whole different story. It began with just rain and some high, strong winds. As the night progressed, we quickly lost our power (about 4 p.m. Monday.) Tuesday we still had wind and rain but towards the end of the day it was more of a steady drizzle yet still windy. My development looked so odd with no lights at all. It was pitch black without the street lights. Tuesday evening found two neighbors with generators and you could hear them running. It was about the only noise. On Monday we heard many explosions of power grids and saw blue flashes of lightning. I knew then it would be a few days before we would have power again.

I was very fortunate to have a wonderful neighobor who happens to be a police officer. He managed to call in some favors from his friends and one waited with a neighbor so he could obtain a generator. Another got him the gas and yet another delivered the item to his home where a few more helped him get it all set up. Once it was running, they came over and offered us a line we could use to power either a refrigerator or freezer. I alternated it back and forth but if this ever happens again, I will just put the important items in the freezer of the refrigerator and throw out the rest. On the second night, we got the idea to find a clock radio and plug that in. We also had my cpap machine plugged in and I slept on the sofa in the living room to get some real sleep after a sleepless night on Monday. By Thursday we were listening to the car radio once in awhile and realized the utter devastation to our state. We made our way out to the local grocery store which was being powered by generators. There were guards everywhere and they had lines for buying coffee, lines to pick up ice (limit two bags per family), and very long lines at the registers. For the first few days the gas stations and grocery stores would only accept cash. If you didn't already have cash you had a real problem because the banks were all closed. NO ATMS. No power anywhere. No traffic lights, no house phones and  the cell phones were useless. We were able to get on Facebook a few times between 4 and 6 a.m. but never completed a phone call until later in the week...much later. Even then, it connected but the call dropped. Rob had a phone number to call and we had to go find someone with a working cell (Verizon seemed to be the only ones working) to call in and check each day to see if he needed to go into work or not.

Friday we knew that there would be a concert on NBC tv. Some of my favorites (Springsteen and Bon Jovi) were going to be on. We hated to miss that. The irony: they give a telethon to help but you can't see it. We sat outside in Rob's car with the heat running and listened to it. I just cried and cried hearing and learning more about the devastation that we had no way of seeing. When we had gone out I was overwhelmed by the uprooted huge trees, the lack of any traffic lights and the fact that no gas stations were open. Friday night we were so cold we could barely sleep, with several quilts on the bed. When we woke up Saturday I told Rob we needed to find somewhere warm to sleep that night. He called local hotels. No openings anywhere. Towards the afternoon my neighbor suggested we plug our line from his generator to the FIOS box and wa la we had phone service (not a cordless that was uncharged but an old fashioned phone.) I called my mother on her cell and she said that her power had come on 15 minutes ago. We high tailed it over there. We learned the tiny town near us had power and took a chance and called the pizza parlor. YES! They were open and we had pizza for dinner. That was so much easier than unplugging the fridge, moving out our stove to plug it in and heat up some frozen chicken strips from the garage! After we had the pizza my neighbor called my cell to let me know our power was back! YIPEE!!! We had brought over one load of laundry to my Mom's and we got that out of her dryer and headed back. There's no place like home...there's no place like home.....unless you have no power. Rob sprinted around the house putting things back in order.

I can never say enough how much we appreciate our next door neighbors Jonathan and Carmen. They were so very concerned about me having what I needed medically, offering to do so much and generously sharing their generator. My son brought over ten gallons of gas for us to contribute but we offered to pay for more and they wouldn't even accept it. I plan to get them a nice gift certificate to their favorite restaurant. Well, once I get  my disability check which is now a week late! We had no mail Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. So I guess sleet etc is okay but not darkness. I need that check. I had to throw out food from my refrigerator and freezer because it was over 24 hours before we had electricity from the generator.

On Friday I had a cardiology appointment and I drove to their office. It was vacant. I have to get in touch with them first thing this morning. I am overdue for very important blood work. In fact, if they are not open I will have to try my pcp and then if that fails, an ER visit. I hope not.

There are many stories such as our brush with fire that will come in the near future. For now, I am enjoying the hum of my furnace and preparing to make hot oatmeal. The joys of the simple things. There are many people still without power as I type this. Yesterday we dropped off supplies to a shelter for seniors. They were running out of stuff. My beloved shore is a mess. The boardwalks are gone. The rides are in the ocean. I haven't felt this kind of devastation since 9 11. My heart breaks for those who lost their homes. Some are just underwater like my friend Richard's. He has a full basement of water and three feet on his first floor. He is retired and his wife works one day a week. They don't know how they will be able to replace. They are staying in the apartment of my mother's house for now. They had flood insurance (over a thousand dolllars a year) but it didn't cover their furnishings. That would have been $800 more which they couldn't afford. They consider themselves lucky because they still have their house. Their neighbor's house was pretty much underwater I think.

Take a moment and appreciate what you have. Just a warm cup of coffee in your warm home is a lot to be grateful for. It will be months before many people here can go home and some never will again. Pray for them, or at least think of them. I never thought this could happen here. You never know.

Another Philly Visit

Thursday we made another visit to the PH specialist in Philly. We had to leave here by 6 a.m. in order to get there for 8 a.m. Nothing like doing a 6 minute walk first thing in the morning and before coffee. I did okay though except for some huffing and puffing. The doctor was not happy as I had gained 9 pounds which within a few minutes he could tell was fluid retention. This is not good. I have to admit that lately I got lazy, less diligent about my salt intake. Lesson learned. He also wants me to drop another ten pounds over the next three months and start some moderate excercise. I see my regular cardiologist on Monday and will discuss with him. It's always a balancing act keeping all the advice in my head because it isn't always the same. He feels the heart attack caused an insignificant amount of muscle damage but the other cardiologist saw the actual test and felt it caused some. More discussion with him on Monday.

It is a cold, rainy day here today. I am so glad we had nice weather yesterday. We were both so tired and I kind of wanted to do something else while in Philly but we had to have an unexpected echo done and that took a few hours. After that we had a quick lunch and Rob just wanted to get home. When we got home he took a two hour nap so I knew he was shot.

I have been busy working on the anecestry stuff. You think you have something all figured out and then you find something else that shakes it up. My  great grandmother is listed in a family book as having her father be James McGowin. Now I found her death certificate with his brother's name. I will probably have an entry all about her murder and the investigation I am doing, along with the help of some fine, very kind people who are in Alabama. They are going to go to the cemetery she is supposed to be at since she is not listed on that cemeteries find a grave record. I am so grateful for their help and information. I am still learning how all this works. It's time consuming and complicated. It's also very rewarding. Little would this woman ever guess that someday her great granddaughter would be pursueing all this and trying to make sure she was buried with at least a headstone. If not, she will have one as quickly as I can take care of it.
It's a matter of honor. Speaking of which........don't know if any of you have thought about this but when I was a kid I always remembered to thank people for things. I called or wrote thank you notes and I taught my son to do this as well. I have so many nieces and nephews that I give gifts to and never get any kind of acknowledgement from. Sometimes you even wonder if they got it. I have begun cutting back on these gifts as I feel I am encouraging their behavior sometimes. I actually had a nephew who called to remind me that he had a birthday the next week. I sent a card and money which were never acknowledged. Since I sent cash we tried several times to reach him. When we finally did we were told that he had received it but was busy and didn't feel like answering the phone when we called. Where are the manners people used to have?
I don't want to stop giving but I also don't want to contribute to people's feelings of entitlement. Where to draw the line.....it's a sticky issue.Any thoughts?

Ancestry OCD

I have spent more and more time on Ancestry.com lately. It's as though I am on a mission. I often plan to spend only an hour or so and then boom, I glance at the clock and three or more hours have passed. I have made great headway on my family tree. I was very fortunate that my aunt and cousin had done so much work on my mother's side and are still working on it. My father's side has been another story. I must caution you that if your parents are still alive you need to pump them for any information they can give you. I found every detail helpful. My grandmother always claimed to have Native American blood. She had high cheekbones and she really seemed to know this as a fact. I am spending countless hours trying to prove this now.
I have found her ancestor, James Monroe Poston Sr. who attended a naming ceremony for the Creek Indians (which are called the Eastern Cherokees.) Apparently, the Cherokee nation at that time was mainly in Tennessee. What compounds the problem of identifying WHICH James Monroe Poston he is, or WHICH John Poston his father was, is that at that time there were no social security numbers. There are fathers with brothers who all name their children the same name, who are all born about the same time. There is controversy among families over which ancestor is THEIR ancestor and which is not. I wish I had the money to hire an expert some days.

I have been struggling with my PH medicine and the side effects from it. Once again my stomach is upset constantly. I have tried removing nearly every thing from my diet at one time or another and it seems to make no difference. Each night I find it difficult to sleep with acid reflux a constant problem. I also suffer from insomnia. Three nights ago I slept three hours out of twenty-four. I can't use my breathing machine when that happens and the following day I feel horrible. It takes me a few days to get over such a bad night. I keep hoping that after time my stomach will calm down but I have been on this medicine several months already.

On Thursday I will be going to Philadelphia to see my PH specialist. We need to discuss what the heart attack means as far as he's concerned and whether or not the NJ cardiologist should put me on a beta blocker, something normally done after a heart attack. I have dreaded yet another medicine. The blood thinners and PH medicine, thyroid and diuretics, along with potassium are enough. Trying to remember to make medicine about 8 times a day is frustrating for someone who is tired and oxygen deprived. I do a pretty good job with using two pill cases for days of the week. I rarely miss any doses.

I got to a craft show Friday night. I didn't really buy crafts but there were people selling silver jewelery and I got a necklace I had wanted. It's a Tiffany's knock off at a fraction of the price. I have been trying to buy Christmas gifts to put away a few at a time. Unless something changes this will be the last year we will be able to buy Christmas gifts for our extended families. After July I will have another loss of income which will be significant. At that time I will be transitioned over to Medicare as well. I had purchased some gift cards and cannot find them, still hoping they will turn up. They weren't large ones thank goodness.

Today is the third anniversary of my grandmother's passing. I miss her so much. It is also the birthday of a cousin who has been a part of my life since I was four months old. She is a wonderful person who is going through a difficult time now with her husband's health.
Hoping I can finally fall asleep. I have to be at the periodontist tomorrow for a deep cleaning.

Visiting with a Friend

Yesterday I got to visit with my friend, Barbara. We met in our senior year of high school. When we met we were both going through a rough time. I had gotten married over the summer of my junior year and when I returned to my former high school they informed me that I could no longer attend that school since I moved out of my parents house. I had to go to the high school that was in the town of my apartment. The other students were overly friendly as they had formed their friendships. Barbara was friendly to me and I soon learned that her Mom was dying of cancer. She had lost her Dad at 12 and was living with her grandfather. She had a sister two years older than her. Life was difficult for two teenaged girls living with a cranky grandfather. Barbara quickly became engaged to her boyfriend Steve and she needed someone to help her plan her wedding. That was me. We went dress shopping and it was so awkward when the woman asked her if her mother would be joining us. She gestured to me and said "She's my subsitute mother." I was her matron of honor and I even taught her how to drive. (This is an ongoing joke.)

(This is the GetzenDanner family crest (my great grandmother's family from Switzerland originally who married a German and moved To Germany)

She had research her ancestry and has a beautiful book with pictures and documents of her parents and grandparents lives. It was great to see the photos of her Mom and see the strong resemeblence. We chatted about our kids (her daughter is a year younger than my son) and the days when they played on the floor while we visited. So many things have changed in our lives but the bond of friendship, built on a lifetime of memories, remains strong. I feel like my soul was nourished. As I left she stood on her porch and said "You know where I am." Yes, my friend, I know where you are and you always welcome me in the warmest way and make me feel cared for. Thank you. I need that, I really, really, needed that.

Hanging Around

The past two weeks I have been home a lot. Not so much by choice as necessity. I have been plagued with a problem that is embarassing to talk about. Remember that commercial where the woman pronounces diarrhea and it sounds like she is referring to a plague? For two weeks I have tried to adjust my diet, eaten mostly bananas, rice, toast, weak tea, ginger ale but nothing helps.
At this point, after Saturday night where I was up three times to go to the bathroom I have decided to see my primary care doctor. I have already spoken to the PH specialist in Philly who tells me it is not that medicine causing the problem. It seems a funny coincidence that my coumadin levels (blood thinner) have been higher than normal at about the same time this started but I have been told that is mere coincidence. I shall see what my internist says. She is very intelligent and insightful. I was lucky to get in to see her this afternoon since I just called this morning. She had a premature baby a few months back and has cut her office time down to three days a week.

Rob worked overtime Saturday morning but when he got home we had a quick lunch and went out for a few hours. There was a craft show just 20 minutes away and I haven't been to one in quite a while. We found a great sign that we both liked for Halloween for just $15.00. I will try to get a picture of it later. I also picked up some nice potpourris and metal dishes for them. There was a band playing with a good singer so we sat outside for awhile and just relaxed, sharing a funnel cake. We both needed to spend time away from our pets and phone. I love my pets dearly but they are quite demanding at times. They are very spoiled and being in the kitchen is a nightmare as I am dodging them at every turn while trying to cook anymore. We have actually at times put a gate up so they couldn't come into the room after I was tripped while making a quick turn. I fell on my chest and ended up with a hematoma in it that was painful. Duffy is a working dog (Shetland sheepdog) and he used to get a lot of excercise. He only weighs about twenty-five pounds but he pulls so hard on the leash at times that I can't walk him anymore. He needs to be excercised.  We fenced in part of our yard for him and he has plenty of room to run around in but he just lays on the patio near the sliding door instead. I feel guilty and I actually offered to pay two neighbors to walk him a few times a week but they declined. He is nearly seven and only wants to play at bedtime. The cat is another story. He leaps through the air and runs and lands and is all about getting from here to there in five seconds. He is nearly 11.

Well, I need to start getting ready for the doctor. I have laundry to fold before I leave. This week I am going to see an old friend tomorrow and then on Friday I go for blood work and then later to the therapist so it seems I will have a busy week as it continues to fill up. I'm glad because Rob will be working at least an hour late each night this week. When he's not here I miss him. He keeps my mind on the good stuff and when I'm alone I sometimes begin to think about the what ifs. Now that the weather is cooler I am going to try to have better meals because I can put the oven on. Yesterday I baked a chicken and it was great to have that smell moving through the house. I want to pick up a brisket today and on Tuesday I will use the leftover chicken to make chicken divan. Just one more reason why I love Autumn.

Keeping Busy

I began going to a therapist a few weeks ago. She thinks that I have been thinking too much. She suggested I get out more and see people and do things that otherwise occupy my mind.

I came home and thought how much my aunt and cousin have enjoying researching for the family tree on Ancestry.com and I set up an account. I have spent countless hours on it and find it a great distraction and at times it's exciting. Other times it can be frustrating but such is life.

I also realized that I need to let go of the feeling of missing work so much. I didn't choose not to ever work again. It's the hand I was dealt and I must deal with it. Acceptance and finding the silver lining in the cloud has been my goal the past two weeks. My mother has been much better and when my sister visited my sister took us out for lunch.

Autumn, my VERY favorite season is here. I already have a bowl of freshly harvested apples on my table. My Halloween decorations are about and there is quite a chill in the air today. I really want a carmel covered apple. I was thinking of the fun of Halloween as a kid. It was the best! Not so much the candy but the dressing up and the parties had by friends. I miss the friends that I once had. It's hard to maintain friendships when people live far away and when your illness takes so much of your time and energy.

Well, my oxygen was just delivered and I must get over and walk my mother's Boston terrier. My mother fell and twisted her knee which is now in a brace. Her yard slopes and she can't manage going up and down it. Her little dog is very strong and it's hard for me. I really wish she would get rid of her big house and go to something with no stairs in an adult community. In fact, that is looking good to me already.
Enjoy the Autumn.