Swallowing the Bitter Pill

My friend Roz used to say sometimes we had to "swallow the bitter pill." I hated that expression and when she first mentioned this about thirty years ago I thought it was absurd. Now, in  my middle years, I get it. Last Saturday I did just that. Rob and I went to Popeye's for chicken. It's about a 45 minute ride and I know my mother loves it. Our neighbor gave us a coupon to buy 11 pieces and get 11 more FREE. I could not resist. I took a box of about 7 pieces to her along with biscuits I bought her. We pulled up and Rob took it to her door. She never even came out to the car to say hello but did call later and thank me. She acts like nothing ever happened. I have just accepted that at eighty years old she may be having some sort of dimentia. I am not calling her a lot as I once did, or going over. I just don't want anything to happen to one of us with the other not even speaking. My father was the generous of my parents. He was tough but when the chips were down he was in your corner, at least most of the time. My mother only thinks about herself. When I recently told her about a cousin I have (the daughter of someone she feels very close to) who was in dire straights and needed some help she lectured me that I could not afford to help anyone. I just let her go on and sent money she needs never know about. Since my father's death she has made very expensive changes to her house which include redoing bathrooms, new sidewalks etc. During this time I was struggling but there was never an offer of help. Being a mother myself, I find this hard to understand. My mother has always been this way, this isn't something new. I have received countless lectures from "friends' over the years that I need to accept her as she is. Easy for them to say. I think I am more accepting now than I have been but it still hurts when you see your parent has little concern for you.

I learned this week that I will be getting an extension on a third party disability claim. It was bittersweet. The fact that I qualify for it means that this company (who rarely approves this) has a medical team who feels there is 0 chance of recovery and no possibility that I can ever work again, in any capacity. The good news is that for another year I can pay my bills and have a bit more than I need. I am going September 6th for a nuclear stress test. I am nervous about it. That will hopefully give the doctor some answers. My EKG has big changes to it and that is normally not good. He thinks he knows what happened (I have for the first time, excluding post surgical pain, had chest pains.) We shall see.

I am trying to make the  most of each day. I have been battling insomnia but just had two consecutive nights of sleep so am encouraged about that. Yesterday we finished the living room paint job (okay I was just an assistant and couldn't do any real painting) and went to Longhorn for lunch to celebrate. Our living room is now thoroughly clean. I am getting a jump on Fall cleaning which never happened last year. My kitchen had a good cleaning too. My closets have been half emptied with Goodwill receiving many donations. All my clothes will now fit in one closet. Not that I bought so much but over the years it accumulated and I rarely got rid of things. For the winter I will need some dress slacks and maybe a blazer. I kept just one in a smaller size from my old stuff. I need to go shopping. Right now it seems like the stores are all having summer clearance. I did pick up some capri jeans and a few tops at TJ Maxx. I might splurge for a winter coat. Not sure yet. The anticipation is half the fun. I did splurge at the Coach Factory Outlet and get myself a black leather bag for a deal. It was $139 with a 30% off coupon. My cousin already sent me the little "pony" for it. For those who don't know that's a little silk tie that can be tied in various ways. I really needed a good bag and my winter boots are black so it will be perfect. Hurry Fall!