Wednesday, February 22, 2012

February anniversary of sorts

Today is the day my Dad left us a year ago. While I hated seeing him drift away slowly, losing bits of him almost daily, I was not prepared for the void his loss would leave in my life. Dad was always the one who made us feel secure and we knew that he had our backs. He might be angry but he would come through when needed. Ironically, it was Dad who told me he loved me, dispensed hugs and kisses and ran to help in a crisis. My mother was the one who rarely showed emotion and deferred all decisions to Dad. She would always say she couldn't help one of us because the others would be jealous, so she said she could help noone. Still, my youngest brother received a large piece of property(who insists he paid for it because my Dad required him to pay the legal/survey fees involved ONLY.) My mother always complained my father did everything for the boys and one day it would be made up to us. Dad is gone and she continues to do this, particularly in the case of my youngest brother. Last week on his wife's birthday she went out to dinner with them. She has NEVER had a birthday dinner with me since I left home the day I turned 17. On Sunday she took the same brother and his wife out for brunch because they drove her to her church some less than two miles away. She will use any excuse to justify her behavior. When I told her I was unsure how I would be able to make the large car insurance payment she advised me to sell my grandmother's china I inherited. (It wasn't HER mother's china of course.)
I don't want to go on and on complaining but I think you can see where I am coming from. My father would have been disgusted by that comment. I am struggling to get through the day. I already drove to the hospital and had a blood test and ran into the grocery store for a few items. I am going to sign off and wash my kitchen floor. On days like today it's hard to motivate myself to keep fighting to regain what I can of my health. The largest part of me wants to go crawl into my bed and pull the covers over my head. IF I came out it would only be to eat some high fat/high caloried ice cream and watch movies like Steel Magnolias. I refuse to give into that but it's an ongoing struggle.
My mother-in-law, brother-in-law and niece are coming Friday. I am so hoping and praying I will feel good that day and be able to do some things with them. They are going to be leaving Saturday, a short visit.


Ronni Gordon said...

I'm so sorry about your sad day. My father died 10 years ago on Feb. 16, and sometimes it seems like a long time ago and sometimes like yesterday. We are lucky to have had such good fathers.

Hey nothing wrong with watching a good movie. How about with a little low-fat ice cream or frozen yogurt?


Let the memories of all those GOOD times with your Dad keep you grounded as you get through this first anniversary of his passing. Knowing he always had your back and would come through when you needed him... is a lovely legacy to leave behind. Curious your mom was so detached. How sad. She missed out on so much. Take care Nelle.