Sleepless in Englishtown

Today was really a rough one for me. It started out well with the new mattress and box spring being delivered and the recliner. I was expecting a friend to come for the afternoon. I had just made up the new bed when the phone rang. It was my employer. They made an administrative decision to let me go. Although I felt this was a possibility it was shocking to hear. I actually broke down and cried on the phone. While I can Cobra my health insurance, Rob was on my dental and as of August 1 we won't have dental until we can sign up with his company for the next year. I also loose my life insurance. What I don't understand is why they didn't let me know sooner. This call put me on an emotional roller coaster.

My first feeling was shock and disappointment. In October I would have been there four years. The first two years my attendance was stellar and so was my job performance. In July 2009 the health issues began and I was out on disability several times but always made it back within the short term disability period. This time, I couldn't. Next came a wave of anger at the doctor who had been my cardiologist for about eight years. He failed to find the problem and the fluid back up from the heart was keeping my lungs wet and causing me frequent bouts of pneumonia as well as leg swelling and I was exhausted for much of that time. In hindsight I am amazed I was able to work at all. Most days I came home from work and ate something, then went to bed. I went to the doctor so many times with swollen legs and even when he saw that I was on oxygen all the time and so short of breath he told me it couldn't be the heart. How wrong he was. Now I have lost income for two years, lost health (my lungs will never be the same), and now my job. I can't explain how he laughed when I made inquries about all these issues. My lung doctor repeatedly said she thought it was my heart and he just shrugged off anything she had to say. In the end it was she who was right.
Tomorrow my mother wants to take me and my sister-in-law to Lancaster for the day. A diversion from all that is happening. Not sure I am up to it. I can't even sleep tonight and there is a heatwave here in the NorthEast. Going to be 95 again tomorrow and over 100 Friday.
I am moving forward. Next week will be so difficult for me but I have to keep telling myself that I have to do this. Without the surgery the heart failure will overtake me and my existence will be miserable fighting fluid overload. I want to get through this and move onto a better place, where I am once again living.
This is so hard on those who love me and I hate that they are having to go through this with me. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I won't be online after Monday, July 25 but surgery is 27th.