Deep in Thought

Something happened recently at work where my mind began to go into overdrive about why certain people do things. I found myself trying to figure out a motive for such childish behavior in a work environment and this began a spiral of thoughts about why people are the way they are. I believe most people are the way they are because of their life experiences. Obviously the type of home you grow up in plays a large part in that. Still when we become adults we become redefined as we make a home and family of OUR choosing. So many of us raised to feel that who we were was reflected by the home we had or the family we presented to others, were set up to feel like failures. I was raised to think that when you married someone if that was a nightmare, it was of your choosing and you had no choice but to endure it. In my forties I broke free of those chains of thought and began to search for the me who had been lost living with someone who was not right for me. It was a long and difficult journey to get where I am today. Still, I do not feel that defines me as much as being a cancer survivor. I have lived with the rollercoaster of anxiety and fear, and yes, hope for thirty years. During that time I also went through leukemia with my only child, who also, thankfully, is a long term survivor.

Perhaps because the treatment, that I had back then, was so intense and the physical results life changing, my life never was the same. I had my spleen removed which left me immune compromised. I have had skin cancer and now am dealing with another. I have had heart surgery and that opened another set of issues and medications. This is my life and I am grateful for it.

I cannot imagine what it would be like to be a normal person, although I strive to live my life as normally as I can. I never allow myself to think what my life might have been like because my son was only three when I was diagnosed. My thoughts were for him and wanting him to be taken care of by his mother. I have often wondered if taking him to the radiation clinic predisposed him to leukemia.

Life goes on. Each day I get up and go to work and I do all the things that a normal person does. However, not a day goes by that I don't find myself having this thought "Thank you God for another day." I don't think many people ever have those thoughts. I think the passing of days goes unnoticed. It's expected. With me, over the years, I have learned not to be so anxious. I have come to accept that whatever will be will be. I have learned to appreciate nature and people and acts of kindness to a degree that many people never will.

For that I am grateful. Life is good. Smell the flowers!

A Friday Off..... can I get a woohoooo

Today I am so happy because I took the day off....with pay. These are the days that make working so very sweet. I have an appointment with a skin surgeon and will find out today just when she will remove this undesirable thing on my back and how much time will be involved. I am not scared but I am concerned about discomfort while working. I just filled out the six long pages of information and consent, which deal primarily with my insurance. She accepts my primary but not secondary insurance. That should simplify things a bit unless my company changes providers which could happen.

I made an appointment and got my hair cut today. She cut it shorter than she had eight weeks ago. The back is fine but my "bangs" are too straight across, I like them whispier but by the time I could see them they were too short to change. I will go back in a few weeks when they have grown out and have her fix them then. My hair grows very quickly. Having shorter hair makes it so much easier to get ready for work in the morning. I find as I am aging I am wearing more make up. To be honest, if I were not neurotic and financially impaired, I would be having botox. Ironic that my weight gain over the years has not concerned me as much as wrinkles and other facial imperfections. I guess when I stare into the mirror I focus on those things.

Looking at the time I need to get a move on. I will be relieved when I close the chapter on this and know that, at least for awhile, I will be safe again.

Fall Has Arrived

The past few days have been very warm but it's cool and breezy at night. Ideal for sleeping conditions if it weren't for the rooster living next door. This rooster is waking up the entire neighborhood. The neighbor is a problem neighbor and a complaint has been signed by us and another neighbor with a few others considering doing the same thing. I really hate it when people drive you to have to do these things. I would much rather have a congenial relationship with neighbors. Since we have lived here for six years she has woken us up at five thirty one morning when she decided to mow her grass, put four ducks in her yard which fight and wake us up, had her then eleven year old son back her car out of her driveway which he lost control of and hit my car. She was furious when I called the police after she pulled the car back in her driveway and ran in her house. Her mailbox which was run over lay on the ground to provide evidence. The police told her she was lucky we didn't press charges but she seemed annoyed that we made her pay for the repairs rather than allow her friend to fix our car. Said friend fixed her car after an accident and the paint does not match. She went to court and got a variance to erect a six foot fence. I opposed this but she testified she had a handicapped child who needed to be confined for his safety. The fence she erected is more like eight feet tall and was never closed while her child who seems perfectly normal plays in the street with the other kids. This fence is also on a conservation easement which the variance stated could not have the fence on. It goes on and on. My husband has videotaped the activity of this rooster, who is annoying as can be each morning and the tapes are viewed by other neighbors and some township officials I believe.

I go to the skin surgeon next week. Not for the surgery, just to get things set up. The bills from the procedure and biopsy are rolling in. Oh please Mr. Obama, some national health care help. We need it. Two people in our home working, I am covered by two policies and still what I must pay out of pocket prohibits me from getting all the procedures I should be.

I am tired and going to make a soothing cup of herbal tea, watch Grey's Anatomy and get into my weekend mode. One more workday. Work was great today. We had a baby shower/luncheon for a lovely couple who both work with us. One of our coworkers, Lemont has a catering business and his fried chicken is mouth watering. He made a pork shoulder too. Instead of a cake we have banana pudding for dessert. Enjoyed by all. I work with quite a cast of characters and we have a lot of laughs. Life is good. Happy Halloween from the Shelties

A Final Goodbye to AOL Journals........

A long time ago AOL screwed over their journalers. Beautiful, lovingly maintained blogs that were a joy to read were defaced by the company when they ran ad banners across the top. Since AOL was never able to offer broadband, only dial up, one had to pay for broadband AND for AOL. To slap ads on top of journals that were being paid for was adding insult to injury. There was a wonderful community of bloggers. People who were a huge crossmix of the country. I loved it. I made friends with these bloggers. Many of them got angry when some of us made an exodus to blog spot. Some of them tried to change over to blog spot but it was difficult and they gave up and went back. Now, after all this time, AOL finally tells them NO MORE BLOGS. Sorry but your journals will no longer be supported here. More blogs for blog spot who hosts them for free. How can that be you have to ask yourself. Maybe now, finally, I can just cancel AOL altogether. Why should I give them any money when I am paying for broadband? I will tell you why I have done it. There were a few chat rooms over the years that I went to.
Most of these chat rooms have become so full of verbally abusive people that there is no pleasure in trying to converse in one. AOL has failed miserably in controlling them.
I remember when no one considered being online without AOL. How they have fallen.
What gets me is all the victims they left behind. All the blogging community that supported Pam, our friend, through her cancer ordeal. Her daughter kept her blog online and her screen name. Sorry for her that unless she can figure out how, that blog will be lost. By the way AOL gave NO Instructions on how to save the blogs just a link that contained no information. Another AOL faux paus. I am sorry for all the people who derived so much joy from the AOL journals, myself included. We paid for something and we suffered for having used it.
Life goes on and I helped a fellow AOL journaler get set up with a new home here on blog spot.
Another thing in life that will be gone, something that at one time meant so much.
AOL I think you have put the last nail in your coffin.

The Circle Of Life

I was thinking today about how some thirty years ago I knew everything. I know now that I will never live long enough to know even a portion of what I would like to. As a cocky nineteen year old I had a job at McGraw-Hill. Within a few months I went to the head of our department (bypassing the two supervisors over me) and told him my talents were being wasted. I would finish processing my orders and then help the other women do theirs. They begged me to slow down and I would become irritated wondering why they were so lazy. I could stay up half the night and still work faster than them. Life has taken me down a few pegs now. When I was at McGraw-Hill (publishing part of the company) I was the baby of the department. I was already married and had owned and sold a business with my then husband. Let's just refer to him as "the former significant other". I had just purchased a home and my how the world was mine. My department head put me up for a promotion and before you could say "I'm outta here" I was in my new job as the assistant to a customer service representative who was a one person department running their education /development customer service orders and keeping the salesmen under control. Shortly into that job I learned I was pregnant. Trust me, no one was more surprised than me and I even argued with the doctor. When I heard the baby's heartbeat I tried to question if it might be an echo of my own. NO. I was delighted but it took a long time before I realized that I would not be able to work again for a long time. There were no day care centers at that time and if there were other mothers who babysat in their homes I didn't know of any. I began to get ready for a stay at home job which at the time became my joy. I became a Tupperware demonstrator to make some money. That could be done in the evenings when my baby was safely in his own crib. Sometimes I feel that the modern working moms are missing some precious moments that they shouldn't have to. In this day and age you would have to be independently wealthy to surive with children on one income, at least in the Northeast. Anna Quindlen said it best when she said that we could have it all BUT not at the same time.

This picture drawn by my friend, Diana, so precious

Years later I found myself back in the work force. How the tides of turned. Life who I once ruled, kicked my butt. I am now one of the oldest women in my department. I laugh as they tell me about their struggles to find Mr. Right, give them support through the bad break ups and check out their MySpace pages. I even succumbed to pressure and made one. It pales in comparison to theirs. I am no longer the sexy young thing of my youth. In place of that though, I have learned so much from the knocks of life. I am more compassionate. I am still friends with my dearest friend of that first career job, Monica. She left soon after I did and had a career in a local government. She turned 70 in the spring and let me tell you she is still one sexy mama. She laughs when I ask her how she put up with me. The nineteen year old know it all who gave her (mother of four) marital advice? She laughs and winks. Life is so interesting and I hope I always find it so. Even if I do need more than eight hours sleep.

Wanting to make it easier

I have a coworker who has only been with us about a month. He is originally from Atlanta. When he came to New Jersey it was with the hope that he could find some medical treatment for his father who had the worst form of leukemia. In New Jersey there is a Cancer Institute and it is wonderful. For reasons I do not understand this young man's Dad ended up in a place I have never heard of. I guess it is possible they were doing some kind of experimental drug trial. He was urged by many people to move his father but that did not happen. Three months ago his brother went into New York and was killed in a motor vehicle accident. Two weeks ago he lost his father and the last person left in his nuclear family.

This is a nice young man. There is discussion and the men in our group feel it is best left alone. The women feel a card needs to be passed and a collection taken. The young man who knows him best says that he would be embarassed by the attention. Last week we had our meeting and my heart ached as he broke down and had to leave when he began to talk about what he had gone through. He is in pain. I want to help him but it's a fine line. He told me they did some genetic testing as his grandmother died from the same disease his father had. His tests came back that he doesn't carry this gene. I was relieved for him. I try to say hello, offer him friendship in a way that will be acceptable to him but I hope he knows that others do care.

Running Without Scissors

Today found us up before 7 a.m. thanks to crazy lady next door who has the rooster. Our township has no ordinance against having barn yard animals. This lady had the rooster and her ducks roaming onto my yard but the board of health ordered her to confine them to her yard. She has done that. She was also requested not to let the rooster crow before at least 8 a.m. So far she has told the town that she purchased a special cage that prevents the rooster from seeing daylight and she lets him out at 9 a.m. :::Insert eyeroll.::: The township official told me he had no knowledge of any such cage. I assured him that my husband is out videotaping the rooster's activity in the morning. I could post the clip here but I keep my blog free of certain language. He has actually started a blog about said rooster under the guise of looking for rooster recipes. The colorful character is downstairs right now making his French pot roast that melts my heart. If that weren't enough he will be preparing creme brulee'. Be still my heart.

But I digress....once we were up this morning we decided to go to the grocery store and do a few other things. My mother's computer was a mess before we straightened that out last week but her printer was out of colored ink. I mentioned that and he agreed we could go there first and find out exactly what cartridge was needed and take care of that. We got her old cartridge information and headed to Staples. En route I remembered I hadn't eaten breakfast. We stopped at Eli's Bagels. If you have never been in the North you cannot appreciate what a great bagel is like. These bagels were still warm and I had low fat vegetable cream cheese on mine (a sesame seed my favorite.) Rob had a cinnamon raisin and his was so warm the butter was dripping down. After we consumed these, and I composed myself after having a foodgasm in public, we proceeded to Staples. How I long for office supplies. Don't ask cause I really can't explain but I find them very exciting. My darling, ever observant, spotted them first: heart shaped paper clips. They are wonderful. I have such a thing for hearts. It was a mix and match display with paper clips that were stars, hearts and even feet. Also push pins and the other kinds of paper clips. You could fill a container divided into four parts for $5.99. I got some very colorful pushpins for work in our work color of orange and my favorite chartreuse green. I got a big package of paper for my printer and we got the ink cartridge. I whipped out my Staples Rewards card and the coupon we had received for our last ink cartridges we had turned in. "Does it get any better than this?" I thought as I clutched my new office supplies.

We headed to the grocery store where we got some food and then headed home to put it all away. After we did that, we decided to go back to my mother's with the new ink cartridge. I remembered that her speakers haven't worked in a long time so I unplugged mine to see if they would work there. Yes, they did, and I just gave them to her. Later today or tomorrow I will get another pair. They are not expensive and this way she can HEAR the music along with the power point presentations she receives.

Rob invited my parents over for dinner tonight. They have had his pot roast provencial before and loved it. You know Rob is a wonderful husband, step-father,son,brother, brother-in-law, son-in-law,uncle, cousin and friend. There's nothing he wouldn't do for anyone. (I confess there are times when I wish he would say "NO.") Sometimes when people are like that, it's easy to take that quality for granted. Today I thanked him on the way back from my parents. When you work hard all week it really matters when you give up your leisure time to do nice things for others. I know he will be blessed for all he does but I just want him to know how much it means to me also. I'm going to have to keep him. :)

* Picture top right is of our new sofa and you can look through the opening into the kitchen and see ze little chef at work. Notice Duffy also snuck into the pic.:)

Not so Hot so

Went to work this morning and once there I began to feel a tad green around the gills. First came the headache, then the stomach ache and when the chills began I threw in the towel and my compassionate boss allowed me to leave. I was actually having a productive wave before the plague hit me. Three people fell ill ,to whatever this is, this week. Strong burly young men and I was afraid it was going to catch up with me and then boom!

Being an intelligent woman you would think that I might come home and have a nice bowl of soup. Sounds logical right? With my intestines causing me pain and concern I opened a new bag of chips and had a handful with some onion dip. While this may seem strange I have to tell you about my grandmother. My grandmother would have prescribed french fries. She swears they cure stomach ailments. If they fail then she will make her homemade potato soup. Yes, I am serious. Her daughter ,my aunt, eats tunafish sandwiches or leftovers for breakfast. My mother will keep a cake until it is gone and when it gets dry and hard she will pour milk over it and have it in a bowl. I come from a long line of untraditional eaters. I might go for weeks where I have cereal or eggs for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and a traditional dinner....however when I begin to feel ill or the stress overwhelms it's time to do some junkfood binge eating. In the words of grandma Birdie (that WAS her real name I swear) "I just can't help it." If we are what we eat I must be the sweetest person on the Earth.

A Better Monday than Usual

My father came home from the hospital yesterday. My sister came into town and we had a good time visiting. We had a nice homecoming dinner for him yesterday where we all pitched in and cooked something. Makes it so much easier. We had turkey and smashed potatoes (the good red ones with the skins) and some teriyaki green beans. I made a chocolate cake with homemade vanilla frosting for dessert and everyone seemed to enjoy it. We played games after the clean up and some overhauling of my parents computer. Mom knows how to download and view but then the files remain there until one of us goes over and purges them. There were hundreds, many power point presentations! Her computer is running a lot better now.

The rain is finally gone here and I see some sunshine. Even though I am getting ready for work, the day is not as dismal as most Mondays. The weekend flew by but I know just five days away another one waits around the corner.

I found a really good skin surgeon and am on her "wait list" if not I will need to wait until November to see her. Thank God for health insurance. Cannot imagine having to deal with something like this without it.

Time to take a walk into the closet and see what I can come up with for work. Many things I want to wear no longer fit me as I have packed on some pounds which I can't seem to unload. The work cafeteria is my enemy with smells that call me. They have some great meals. I must find something though......better get to it.

Updated Photo

Finally a photo with my shorter hair. So much easier to keep under control. The front is a few inches longer than the sides and the back is shorter still. Nice and quick to blow dry in the mornings.

My father is still in the hospital but expected to come home tomorrow. Today is the first day he has not had a fever since Wednesday. My sister arrived in New Jersey but has a friend with her. I was disappointed as I had hoped to spend some time with her. It has been years since she and I have set down alone to talk.

I made an appointment with a surgeon that is going to see me Nov. 14th unless the report I send them makes them bump up the appointment. I feel like concerns are weighing heavily upon my shoulders. I know that most people have no clue what it's like to have many of my life experiences. It's still disappointing because even when I don't know what someone is going through I can always drop a note or make a call and say I care.

Time to get my mind on other things. I have been up since 5 a.m. and am exhausted. Started doing laundry early, showered and got dressed, went for lunch, visited my father in the hospital, grocery shopped, put things away, had dinner and now I am ready to collapse.

Overwhelmed

Feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. My Dad who has COPD and congestive heart failure was taken by ambulance once again to the hospital. This about his fifth stay in 2008. At least he is not in ICU like the last two visits. He has pneumonia and a urinary infection again. He was bright red last night. They will fix him up once more and hopefully Oct. 27 be celebrating his 85th birthday. He has had a long life and a good life but it is hard to see him struggling, especially when at times his dignity is taken from him and he's not even aware enough to know.

I am going back to the dermatologist tonight. I had a skin cancer removed three weeks ago. This is a secondary cancer caused by all the radiation that I had so many years ago. He will discuss the biopsy results in detail and what needs to be done.
I have lived so long after the initial diagnosis and yet it is something that is always a part of who you are once you join that club. I need to rally my spirits but for some reason it doesn't get easier because the rest of life's problems don't go on hold. I am not looking forward to having more surgery no matter how small. I went through this a few years ago and it was fine then and my logical side tells me that I probably have the best kind to have. The irrational and neurotic side is screaming that there is NO good cancer of any kind and that this lion may be at bay but he can pounce any time he chooses to. Time to think of anything else that can distract me from that thought because that thought can take me somewhere I do not want to go.
At times like this my comfort is in my belief that God dwells within me, that I am one with His universe and that no matter what else happens, that cannot change.

Sumptious Sunday

Today was a much needed kick back and relax kind of day with a short shopping trip in the middle. Oh my kind of day. I needed it with yesterday's sofa delivery. We were responsible for getting the old sofa out and it was no small task. Fortunately, midway through task, a neighbor came over and offered a hand. Without his help not sure what we would have done. Old sofa is on the sidewalk with a sign "free" (no takers yet) and it's a queen size sleeper sofa with no tears in the fabric although the cushions were flattened with wear. I usually get attached to furniture but this sofa was never comfy for me so I was glad to see it go. Now trying to get adjusted to a new sofa with lots of support and it's taking time.

I have a lot on my mind these days. Many changes at work with a new CEO and many new top people who make decisions which govern how my work is critiqued. It will all be changes for the better I believe. With all changes come adjustments. I am not as adaptable as I was in my younger days. It is hard to change a "call flow" once one has become ingrained and my job has me constantly making as many as three or four new changes in each call. Since I take about thirty a day you can imagine how much concentration this takes. All the while coworkers are talking on their calls, to themselves, each other and me. There is constant discussion on just what good customer service is. They want our customers to have a "wow" experience. I get that. There are customers however who subscribe to a service that for reasons out of their control, they cannot use. When they call to disconnect their service they are disappointed. Often they are given misinformation from a competitor trying to blame us for something that they failed to do. While you gently try to explain this, you must be very careful what you say and you do not want to anger the customer or argue with them. Some customers want nothing but to argue with you and vent all their frustration at you. Often once you have assisted them, they apologize before hanging up and thank you for your help. Mondays are the days we receive the most calls. After a weekend of build up they are often heated. It takes extra patience on Mondays. I am paid to do this job but sometimes I wish I could opt out on Mondays.

In a very real sense, the writer writes in order to teach himself, to understand himself, to satisfy himself. ~ Alfred Kozin

Random Thoughts

Today is Sunday and I have to wonder why these weekend days pass so quickly. This week I have doctor appointments on Monday and Thursday so I will only be working half days on those days. It just seems that there is always so much to do on weekends. To be honest, I don't accomplish half of what I have planned because I so enjoy relaxing. When I was younger I could never relax unless my house was perfect and my laundry done and all of the other type A stuff that governed my actions. When I think back to having come home from the hospital at age 23 and upon discovering the horrible condition of my home (while I was having surgery) I nearly had a melt down. I got down on my knees and scrubbed my kitchen floor. That was after washing every utensil and plate in our home. This was a few days after having stitches removed from my abdomen. How sad is that? Very....I know that now. Being older and smarter I now know that this was the ONE thing I could control at the time. I certainly had no control over anything else then. Now I know that I have no control but if I am tired I lay down and take a nap. I also indulge in take out something I could not afford to do back then.
I accomplish enough and I do like order but when my head hits my pillow at night I conk out.

I recently learned that an elderly man got TOSd from AOL. This for sending emails out to a mass list (who he every few months emailed and said "let me know if you want to be removed from my list.") Apparently someone found his emails a tad risque'. I feel so badly for this poor man who lost his beloved wife last year. Although he has a daughter and grandchildren during the day he went into a chat room of what he thought were friends and who he loved to email.
It never fails to sadden me at the delight some people take in causing pain for others. I have never understood that kind of reaction. When someone hurts me just get me as far away from them as I can possibly be. There was a time in my life where it was hard to let go of people like that. A part of me felt that I would be able to enlighten them. Usually this did not happen and often when they grew tired of the game they simply moved on. Now that I am older and oh so wiser I make new friends a bit slower. I take them into my trust only after they have showed some actual integrity and it will take them years before they earn my trust and respect. One of my friends summed it up this way "In life we make many acquaintances but few actual friends. Most people do not learn this distinction until they have mistaken acquaintances for friends and learned the hard way."

"I will not play tug o war, I'd rather play hug o war where everyone hugs instead of tugs, where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug, where everyone kisses and everyone grins and everyone cuddles, and everyone wins." Shel Silverstein

Wishing Our Niece a Happy Birthday

Today is our dear niece Cassie's tenth birthday. It is her second birthday without her Mom who passed away from cancer on June 8, 2007 at just 34. We were there for her birthday last year and I gave her Kit, her American girl doll along with some things for Kit. It was a big day and we were happy to be there to share in it. This year we simply cannot be with her for a multitude of reasons. Her grandmother was on vacation last week and we had hoped she would take a few days and bring her for a visit but she didn't. It is so hard to not be a daily part of her life, in reality we are not much of a part of her life. Her Dad honored her Mom's request to let her continue to be raised by her grandmother. I worry at times that her grandmother who has a pacemaker and who is a breast cancer survivor perhaps bit off more than she can chew. She would never admit it of course. She doesn't understand the problems we have in getting away. I have a very neurotic dog and only my parents or one neighbor can handle him in our absence. The neighbor gets paid and my parents are away this week. In addition to that I am taking care of a minor health issue of my own. More on that at another time. Sometimes when we are sick and get better people forget that we are never the same. My stamina lately is troublesome.

I think stress pays a role in that. It is hard for me to work full time in a stressful situation. My every minute literally is accounted for when I am working. That alone can be stressful. In this recession I am happy to have a job.

I worry that my niece sounded sad tonight. It is so hard not to be able to hug her when her voice sounds like she needs a hug. The sad truth is that we are too far away to have any real input in her life. We have accepted that but it is not easy. I just have to hope and pray that the frequent letters and cards we send let her know that she is loved. I believe knowing you are loved can make a huge difference in someone's life.

Another quote for my book of favorites

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~~~ Rumi

Sunny Sunday

Today is Sunday. We had a very relaxing Saturday here and I got a lot of paperwork done. Went through my files and purged a lot of things. When I have other things in my life organized it makes everything go smoother. We played games on the computer, watched a movie and had a very layed back day which is just what I needed. It rained most of the day reminants of the hurricane and our lawn just soaked it up. Today is beautiful, sunny and about 83. I have been working on the journal pics and links along with the help of my patient husband. I wanted to post a picture that I bought from the wonderful person and artist, Judith HeartSong. If you click the picture it takes you to her website with her work. She takes the most beautiful photos and I who simply love flowers cannot see enough of them. I saw a movie several years ago and in it there was a speech about sunflowers. How they turned their heads towards the sun to soak up as much light as possible. It was inspirational and since then they have had special meaning to me. When I saw this painting I wanted it so badly. It hangs proudly in my living room and some day I hope to have more paintings by this artist. She also writes a journal about her travels and her volunteer experiences from the zoo. Never a dull moment!

I am experiencing another laid back day today. Might lounge outside a bit. I love watching the birds stop at the feeder and then the bird bath. For my birthday Rob bought me the most wonderful bird bath. If you click the link you can see one on their website. It's like a work of art and simply beautiful. It is made by a company "Burely Clay" who also had many other beautiful things at the garden center where I purchased the birdbath. And now a fitting quote

"And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play in your hair." ~~~Khalil Gibran

September 4...a meaningful day

Yesterday was September 4th. It has a lot of meaning for me. It has always been the birthday of my only aunt. (I had many great aunts but only one actual sibling to a parent.) She had always been important in my life. She is actually about the same age difference to my mother as me. My mother was an only child for many years. Growing up we lived in my grandmother's house for many years while my Dad was in the Navy and I always thought of my aunt as an older sister. She was very cool and still is a lot of fun.



September 4th is also the day my son was diagnosed with leukemia at age 16. It has been over a decade since the diagnosis but I still feel a bit shakey on that day. I remember so many details.

It was the day after Labor Day and I remember looking out the window of the hospital room seeing the children going to school for the first day. My son never got to attend one day of his junior year. His days that year consisted of heavy rounds of chemo. He had chemo for the next three and a half years after diagnosis. To this day when I see the school buses coming that first day my eyes well with tears. My son seems to be the picture of health, at least physically. I do feel he has some emotional problems and I think he has come to understand that as well. He is doing much better than he was.



Yesterday was also the anniversary of meeting my friend, Paula. Her son Danny was only 14 in the next hospital room and he had the worse type of leukemia. He fought so valiantly but even after surviving his bone marrow transplant at CHOP he lost the battle. We still think of him and ocassionally I visit his grave. Gone but never forgotten. I will never forget him having someone come to the hospital chapel to confirm him as a Catholic. We had a cake in the children's ward and it was very moving. I will never forget Paula telling me that it was so awkward when new people she met asked how many children she had. If she said four boys then she felt she had to explain that one was no longer living. How would they take their traditional Christmas morning photo with the four boys on four steps? Danny was next to the youngest and his illness had a heavy impact on his younger brother. Paula practically lived at the hospital (as did I) for those first few months. You were just too afraid that your child (adolescent) might need you and you wouldn't be there. All the while we were trying to support other parents whose children like ours going in and out of remission. (My son went into remission but went in very late. His prognosis was double high risk and his expected survival rate for 5 years was 30%.) He made it and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for getting us all through that difficult time.



Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment to have some skin tags removed. While there the doctor confirmed that I had a skin cancer on my back. He removed it for a biopsy and when he gets the results I will need the area excised. I do not look forward to that as I have had this done on my chest. I am hoping this is the same type I had earlier which caught early is no problem at all.

Well, time to go find an outfit and head off to work. Hope you have a great weekend!

Catching up on Rest

Today I had to stay home from work. I rarely do that but I was groggy from the meds and my pain was still there. Even though I took meds throughout the day at time the muscle spasms were really painful.

Took less of the muscle relaxer in the hopes I can make work tomorrow. Because I stayed home today I won't get paid for the Labor Day holiday and with losing today that is another day's pay lost (unless I use my time I have which is little.) We don't get time off approved without having it to use so sometimes people don't request pay for their sick days. I get 10 hours each MONTH for everything; sickness, vacation etc. That basically means by the time I use what I need for doctor visits, dental visits and sickness there is no time for vacation days.

Well time for bed. Please whisper a prayer that I can make it to work tomorrow.

Monday, Monday Can't Trust That Day..............

Does anyone remember the Mamas and Papas big hit with that song?
For the past several days I have been surviving with back pain. It all started last Thursday kind of out of the blue but I had felt some muscle tension in my back for awhile. Well, last night it overtook me and I knew I had to get medical attention today. My regular internist was closed so I had to find a medical walk in clinic. After paying my copay the doctor (his name was Ghandi) told me that he was afraid that it might be my heart. Oh please not this I thought. If I have a stubbed toe they suspect my heart is to blame. He did an EKG and admitted that there were no changes from the old one I brought with me. However the place I had the pain he felt was indicative of a possible heart problem. I knew what was coming and he sent me to the ER. Oh how I hate spending my paid holidays in the ER and this is the second one this year. LOVED the ER doctor though. Really. He immediately felt the huge knot in my back and said that although he thought I might be right we had to eliminate other possibilities. I was whisked off for xrays and of couse loved pointing out my wires and parts to the xray tech who is always taken aback.
These people were absolutely wonderful. All except for the ER nurse who stuck me FOUR times to get an iv going. Burned like a bee sting. Again and again and the final one was done with a tiny butterfly in a vein in my tiny hand. Again ouch. Tests showed that I was okay except for the back muscle spasms I was no having. I laid on my tiny ER bed for nearly six hours. Had a nice flat screen TV to watch and more importantly, my angel of mercy Rob was by my side. Even when the doctor said I MIGHT have a blood clot in my lung and my heart nearly stopped he just glanced at the monitors and told me things were fine. Have I mentioned his goatee has turned gray? Seriously all in the last year or so. Well, I am home now with pain meds and muscle relaxers. I hate pain meds, I really do. I have to be coherent at all times, or at least believe that I am. The doctor gave me a note to stay home from work for two days but I cannot possibly afford to do that. I just ran up another $130 plus in copays today. Although I am not happy to be in pain I thank my Heavenly Father that it was nothing serious. Hope your Labor Day was more enjoyable than mine although time spent with my baby is always good.

Happy Anniversary

Today is my sixth anniversary.

Happy Anniversary Rob and thank you.

Thank you for the times you held me as I cried. We have been through a lot together in our six years. Losing your Dad and later your baby sister, my heart surgery and struggling to pay bills on one salary for several years afterwards. Difficulties with friends, a move from one home to another and so much more. Through it all there was never one moment of doubt that you loved me. Although I shared my life with someone else for over twenty years I never felt the way you make me feel, secure and loved. I can never thank you enough for that or for restoring my faith that there are good people, trustworthy people in the world. While we give cards and sometimes gifts and mark the day by a nice dinner out in my heart I am grateful every day for the gift of your love.

You're the best.

In the words of the Stylistics

" You are everything and everything is you."

The best is yet to come baby.