A Better Monday than Usual

My father came home from the hospital yesterday. My sister came into town and we had a good time visiting. We had a nice homecoming dinner for him yesterday where we all pitched in and cooked something. Makes it so much easier. We had turkey and smashed potatoes (the good red ones with the skins) and some teriyaki green beans. I made a chocolate cake with homemade vanilla frosting for dessert and everyone seemed to enjoy it. We played games after the clean up and some overhauling of my parents computer. Mom knows how to download and view but then the files remain there until one of us goes over and purges them. There were hundreds, many power point presentations! Her computer is running a lot better now.

The rain is finally gone here and I see some sunshine. Even though I am getting ready for work, the day is not as dismal as most Mondays. The weekend flew by but I know just five days away another one waits around the corner.

I found a really good skin surgeon and am on her "wait list" if not I will need to wait until November to see her. Thank God for health insurance. Cannot imagine having to deal with something like this without it.

Time to take a walk into the closet and see what I can come up with for work. Many things I want to wear no longer fit me as I have packed on some pounds which I can't seem to unload. The work cafeteria is my enemy with smells that call me. They have some great meals. I must find something though......better get to it.

Updated Photo

Finally a photo with my shorter hair. So much easier to keep under control. The front is a few inches longer than the sides and the back is shorter still. Nice and quick to blow dry in the mornings.

My father is still in the hospital but expected to come home tomorrow. Today is the first day he has not had a fever since Wednesday. My sister arrived in New Jersey but has a friend with her. I was disappointed as I had hoped to spend some time with her. It has been years since she and I have set down alone to talk.

I made an appointment with a surgeon that is going to see me Nov. 14th unless the report I send them makes them bump up the appointment. I feel like concerns are weighing heavily upon my shoulders. I know that most people have no clue what it's like to have many of my life experiences. It's still disappointing because even when I don't know what someone is going through I can always drop a note or make a call and say I care.

Time to get my mind on other things. I have been up since 5 a.m. and am exhausted. Started doing laundry early, showered and got dressed, went for lunch, visited my father in the hospital, grocery shopped, put things away, had dinner and now I am ready to collapse.

Overwhelmed

Feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. My Dad who has COPD and congestive heart failure was taken by ambulance once again to the hospital. This about his fifth stay in 2008. At least he is not in ICU like the last two visits. He has pneumonia and a urinary infection again. He was bright red last night. They will fix him up once more and hopefully Oct. 27 be celebrating his 85th birthday. He has had a long life and a good life but it is hard to see him struggling, especially when at times his dignity is taken from him and he's not even aware enough to know.

I am going back to the dermatologist tonight. I had a skin cancer removed three weeks ago. This is a secondary cancer caused by all the radiation that I had so many years ago. He will discuss the biopsy results in detail and what needs to be done.
I have lived so long after the initial diagnosis and yet it is something that is always a part of who you are once you join that club. I need to rally my spirits but for some reason it doesn't get easier because the rest of life's problems don't go on hold. I am not looking forward to having more surgery no matter how small. I went through this a few years ago and it was fine then and my logical side tells me that I probably have the best kind to have. The irrational and neurotic side is screaming that there is NO good cancer of any kind and that this lion may be at bay but he can pounce any time he chooses to. Time to think of anything else that can distract me from that thought because that thought can take me somewhere I do not want to go.
At times like this my comfort is in my belief that God dwells within me, that I am one with His universe and that no matter what else happens, that cannot change.

Sumptious Sunday

Today was a much needed kick back and relax kind of day with a short shopping trip in the middle. Oh my kind of day. I needed it with yesterday's sofa delivery. We were responsible for getting the old sofa out and it was no small task. Fortunately, midway through task, a neighbor came over and offered a hand. Without his help not sure what we would have done. Old sofa is on the sidewalk with a sign "free" (no takers yet) and it's a queen size sleeper sofa with no tears in the fabric although the cushions were flattened with wear. I usually get attached to furniture but this sofa was never comfy for me so I was glad to see it go. Now trying to get adjusted to a new sofa with lots of support and it's taking time.

I have a lot on my mind these days. Many changes at work with a new CEO and many new top people who make decisions which govern how my work is critiqued. It will all be changes for the better I believe. With all changes come adjustments. I am not as adaptable as I was in my younger days. It is hard to change a "call flow" once one has become ingrained and my job has me constantly making as many as three or four new changes in each call. Since I take about thirty a day you can imagine how much concentration this takes. All the while coworkers are talking on their calls, to themselves, each other and me. There is constant discussion on just what good customer service is. They want our customers to have a "wow" experience. I get that. There are customers however who subscribe to a service that for reasons out of their control, they cannot use. When they call to disconnect their service they are disappointed. Often they are given misinformation from a competitor trying to blame us for something that they failed to do. While you gently try to explain this, you must be very careful what you say and you do not want to anger the customer or argue with them. Some customers want nothing but to argue with you and vent all their frustration at you. Often once you have assisted them, they apologize before hanging up and thank you for your help. Mondays are the days we receive the most calls. After a weekend of build up they are often heated. It takes extra patience on Mondays. I am paid to do this job but sometimes I wish I could opt out on Mondays.

In a very real sense, the writer writes in order to teach himself, to understand himself, to satisfy himself. ~ Alfred Kozin

Random Thoughts

Today is Sunday and I have to wonder why these weekend days pass so quickly. This week I have doctor appointments on Monday and Thursday so I will only be working half days on those days. It just seems that there is always so much to do on weekends. To be honest, I don't accomplish half of what I have planned because I so enjoy relaxing. When I was younger I could never relax unless my house was perfect and my laundry done and all of the other type A stuff that governed my actions. When I think back to having come home from the hospital at age 23 and upon discovering the horrible condition of my home (while I was having surgery) I nearly had a melt down. I got down on my knees and scrubbed my kitchen floor. That was after washing every utensil and plate in our home. This was a few days after having stitches removed from my abdomen. How sad is that? Very....I know that now. Being older and smarter I now know that this was the ONE thing I could control at the time. I certainly had no control over anything else then. Now I know that I have no control but if I am tired I lay down and take a nap. I also indulge in take out something I could not afford to do back then.
I accomplish enough and I do like order but when my head hits my pillow at night I conk out.

I recently learned that an elderly man got TOSd from AOL. This for sending emails out to a mass list (who he every few months emailed and said "let me know if you want to be removed from my list.") Apparently someone found his emails a tad risque'. I feel so badly for this poor man who lost his beloved wife last year. Although he has a daughter and grandchildren during the day he went into a chat room of what he thought were friends and who he loved to email.
It never fails to sadden me at the delight some people take in causing pain for others. I have never understood that kind of reaction. When someone hurts me just get me as far away from them as I can possibly be. There was a time in my life where it was hard to let go of people like that. A part of me felt that I would be able to enlighten them. Usually this did not happen and often when they grew tired of the game they simply moved on. Now that I am older and oh so wiser I make new friends a bit slower. I take them into my trust only after they have showed some actual integrity and it will take them years before they earn my trust and respect. One of my friends summed it up this way "In life we make many acquaintances but few actual friends. Most people do not learn this distinction until they have mistaken acquaintances for friends and learned the hard way."

"I will not play tug o war, I'd rather play hug o war where everyone hugs instead of tugs, where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug, where everyone kisses and everyone grins and everyone cuddles, and everyone wins." Shel Silverstein

Wishing Our Niece a Happy Birthday

Today is our dear niece Cassie's tenth birthday. It is her second birthday without her Mom who passed away from cancer on June 8, 2007 at just 34. We were there for her birthday last year and I gave her Kit, her American girl doll along with some things for Kit. It was a big day and we were happy to be there to share in it. This year we simply cannot be with her for a multitude of reasons. Her grandmother was on vacation last week and we had hoped she would take a few days and bring her for a visit but she didn't. It is so hard to not be a daily part of her life, in reality we are not much of a part of her life. Her Dad honored her Mom's request to let her continue to be raised by her grandmother. I worry at times that her grandmother who has a pacemaker and who is a breast cancer survivor perhaps bit off more than she can chew. She would never admit it of course. She doesn't understand the problems we have in getting away. I have a very neurotic dog and only my parents or one neighbor can handle him in our absence. The neighbor gets paid and my parents are away this week. In addition to that I am taking care of a minor health issue of my own. More on that at another time. Sometimes when we are sick and get better people forget that we are never the same. My stamina lately is troublesome.

I think stress pays a role in that. It is hard for me to work full time in a stressful situation. My every minute literally is accounted for when I am working. That alone can be stressful. In this recession I am happy to have a job.

I worry that my niece sounded sad tonight. It is so hard not to be able to hug her when her voice sounds like she needs a hug. The sad truth is that we are too far away to have any real input in her life. We have accepted that but it is not easy. I just have to hope and pray that the frequent letters and cards we send let her know that she is loved. I believe knowing you are loved can make a huge difference in someone's life.

Another quote for my book of favorites

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~~~ Rumi

Sunny Sunday

Today is Sunday. We had a very relaxing Saturday here and I got a lot of paperwork done. Went through my files and purged a lot of things. When I have other things in my life organized it makes everything go smoother. We played games on the computer, watched a movie and had a very layed back day which is just what I needed. It rained most of the day reminants of the hurricane and our lawn just soaked it up. Today is beautiful, sunny and about 83. I have been working on the journal pics and links along with the help of my patient husband. I wanted to post a picture that I bought from the wonderful person and artist, Judith HeartSong. If you click the picture it takes you to her website with her work. She takes the most beautiful photos and I who simply love flowers cannot see enough of them. I saw a movie several years ago and in it there was a speech about sunflowers. How they turned their heads towards the sun to soak up as much light as possible. It was inspirational and since then they have had special meaning to me. When I saw this painting I wanted it so badly. It hangs proudly in my living room and some day I hope to have more paintings by this artist. She also writes a journal about her travels and her volunteer experiences from the zoo. Never a dull moment!

I am experiencing another laid back day today. Might lounge outside a bit. I love watching the birds stop at the feeder and then the bird bath. For my birthday Rob bought me the most wonderful bird bath. If you click the link you can see one on their website. It's like a work of art and simply beautiful. It is made by a company "Burely Clay" who also had many other beautiful things at the garden center where I purchased the birdbath. And now a fitting quote

"And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play in your hair." ~~~Khalil Gibran

September 4...a meaningful day

Yesterday was September 4th. It has a lot of meaning for me. It has always been the birthday of my only aunt. (I had many great aunts but only one actual sibling to a parent.) She had always been important in my life. She is actually about the same age difference to my mother as me. My mother was an only child for many years. Growing up we lived in my grandmother's house for many years while my Dad was in the Navy and I always thought of my aunt as an older sister. She was very cool and still is a lot of fun.



September 4th is also the day my son was diagnosed with leukemia at age 16. It has been over a decade since the diagnosis but I still feel a bit shakey on that day. I remember so many details.

It was the day after Labor Day and I remember looking out the window of the hospital room seeing the children going to school for the first day. My son never got to attend one day of his junior year. His days that year consisted of heavy rounds of chemo. He had chemo for the next three and a half years after diagnosis. To this day when I see the school buses coming that first day my eyes well with tears. My son seems to be the picture of health, at least physically. I do feel he has some emotional problems and I think he has come to understand that as well. He is doing much better than he was.



Yesterday was also the anniversary of meeting my friend, Paula. Her son Danny was only 14 in the next hospital room and he had the worse type of leukemia. He fought so valiantly but even after surviving his bone marrow transplant at CHOP he lost the battle. We still think of him and ocassionally I visit his grave. Gone but never forgotten. I will never forget him having someone come to the hospital chapel to confirm him as a Catholic. We had a cake in the children's ward and it was very moving. I will never forget Paula telling me that it was so awkward when new people she met asked how many children she had. If she said four boys then she felt she had to explain that one was no longer living. How would they take their traditional Christmas morning photo with the four boys on four steps? Danny was next to the youngest and his illness had a heavy impact on his younger brother. Paula practically lived at the hospital (as did I) for those first few months. You were just too afraid that your child (adolescent) might need you and you wouldn't be there. All the while we were trying to support other parents whose children like ours going in and out of remission. (My son went into remission but went in very late. His prognosis was double high risk and his expected survival rate for 5 years was 30%.) He made it and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for getting us all through that difficult time.



Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment to have some skin tags removed. While there the doctor confirmed that I had a skin cancer on my back. He removed it for a biopsy and when he gets the results I will need the area excised. I do not look forward to that as I have had this done on my chest. I am hoping this is the same type I had earlier which caught early is no problem at all.

Well, time to go find an outfit and head off to work. Hope you have a great weekend!

Catching up on Rest

Today I had to stay home from work. I rarely do that but I was groggy from the meds and my pain was still there. Even though I took meds throughout the day at time the muscle spasms were really painful.

Took less of the muscle relaxer in the hopes I can make work tomorrow. Because I stayed home today I won't get paid for the Labor Day holiday and with losing today that is another day's pay lost (unless I use my time I have which is little.) We don't get time off approved without having it to use so sometimes people don't request pay for their sick days. I get 10 hours each MONTH for everything; sickness, vacation etc. That basically means by the time I use what I need for doctor visits, dental visits and sickness there is no time for vacation days.

Well time for bed. Please whisper a prayer that I can make it to work tomorrow.

Monday, Monday Can't Trust That Day..............

Does anyone remember the Mamas and Papas big hit with that song?
For the past several days I have been surviving with back pain. It all started last Thursday kind of out of the blue but I had felt some muscle tension in my back for awhile. Well, last night it overtook me and I knew I had to get medical attention today. My regular internist was closed so I had to find a medical walk in clinic. After paying my copay the doctor (his name was Ghandi) told me that he was afraid that it might be my heart. Oh please not this I thought. If I have a stubbed toe they suspect my heart is to blame. He did an EKG and admitted that there were no changes from the old one I brought with me. However the place I had the pain he felt was indicative of a possible heart problem. I knew what was coming and he sent me to the ER. Oh how I hate spending my paid holidays in the ER and this is the second one this year. LOVED the ER doctor though. Really. He immediately felt the huge knot in my back and said that although he thought I might be right we had to eliminate other possibilities. I was whisked off for xrays and of couse loved pointing out my wires and parts to the xray tech who is always taken aback.
These people were absolutely wonderful. All except for the ER nurse who stuck me FOUR times to get an iv going. Burned like a bee sting. Again and again and the final one was done with a tiny butterfly in a vein in my tiny hand. Again ouch. Tests showed that I was okay except for the back muscle spasms I was no having. I laid on my tiny ER bed for nearly six hours. Had a nice flat screen TV to watch and more importantly, my angel of mercy Rob was by my side. Even when the doctor said I MIGHT have a blood clot in my lung and my heart nearly stopped he just glanced at the monitors and told me things were fine. Have I mentioned his goatee has turned gray? Seriously all in the last year or so. Well, I am home now with pain meds and muscle relaxers. I hate pain meds, I really do. I have to be coherent at all times, or at least believe that I am. The doctor gave me a note to stay home from work for two days but I cannot possibly afford to do that. I just ran up another $130 plus in copays today. Although I am not happy to be in pain I thank my Heavenly Father that it was nothing serious. Hope your Labor Day was more enjoyable than mine although time spent with my baby is always good.

Happy Anniversary

Today is my sixth anniversary.

Happy Anniversary Rob and thank you.

Thank you for the times you held me as I cried. We have been through a lot together in our six years. Losing your Dad and later your baby sister, my heart surgery and struggling to pay bills on one salary for several years afterwards. Difficulties with friends, a move from one home to another and so much more. Through it all there was never one moment of doubt that you loved me. Although I shared my life with someone else for over twenty years I never felt the way you make me feel, secure and loved. I can never thank you enough for that or for restoring my faith that there are good people, trustworthy people in the world. While we give cards and sometimes gifts and mark the day by a nice dinner out in my heart I am grateful every day for the gift of your love.

You're the best.

In the words of the Stylistics

" You are everything and everything is you."

The best is yet to come baby.

More Changes

This week I went over to see my neighbor Shirley, who is organizing a surprise brunch this morning for her parents' 50th anniversary. When I saw her I was in awe of her beautifu new haircut. She informed me that it was a special day first haircut half price with a new operator. I have not had my hair that short in so many years but it was so pretty I decided to give it a whirl.
I had gone to this particular salon many years ago but stopped going because their prices were high. What I discovered was some things are worth it. My hair has not had a good cut or color since I have changed and to be honest, the cheaper salons start out cheap but raise their prices to the point I am now paying the same as I was. Difference is the quality of the hair color and cut I have been receiving. I went and met Michelle who was a real sweetheart and she spent no less than an entire hour cutting my hair. After covering the gray I hope to get a good picture of it to post. I have never received so many compliments on a hair cut. Even men have stopped me to remark how good it looks, which is rare for me.

I have been feeling so much better lately and enjoying that immensely. Not only did I get my work hours changed to the best shift 9-5:30 but the past few weeks call volume has been slow and I had the opportunity to take one day each week off. Of course this is "volunteer" and I do not get paid and my check was down significantly BUT that extra time combined with my new shift has me feeling ever so much better. I think that the extra time off will end this week but it has done me a world of good. The attrition rate where I work is so high. This week I said goodbye to another two coworkers. Still I am with some people who started the same day that I did. On October 22 less than two months away I will have been here a year. My job is not an easy one but this is the best pay I have ever received, the medical benefits are great, the workplace is nice and the cafeteria is "world class". I am hoping to be there for a time longer. Especially while making my car payments.

Did everyone see Obama's speech? It has been YEARS since I watched a political speech with such interest. I enjoyed it and across the screen they were saying it was the anniversary of Martin Luther King's speech. How appropriate. I kept thinking "Dr. King, if only you could see this tonight. You dreamt where a person would not be judged by the color of their skin and tonight this man is being judged on the content of his character. Your dream, at least in part, has come true." An African American being nominated for President. Wow. I really love Michelle Obama, what a classy, intelligent and attractive lady. We got into a discussion at work. A young black man said he would not vote for Obama because he was "pro abortion". I told him he was pro choice NOT pro abortion, there is a distinction to be made. I told him that most people are ignorant about abortion. Look what happened during prohibition. You can outlaw it but there will be people who will have illegal abortions and perahaps die as a result. People try to simplify the issues. Although I could personally never have an abortion, I cannot make that choice for someone else. Until I am ready to raise the child for the person who feels they cannot, I don't feel it's my choice to make. Having said that, I find it morally reprehensible to use abortion as a form of birth control. I'm sorry but I don't think anyone who has the wealth of McCain or Bush can understand what it is like for me, struggling to pay bills. They cannot imagine what it's like to make a decision to fill a necessary prescription or put gas in their car. I have had to make those decisions in the last few years. I refuse to vote on ONE issue. I want the government to have people who truly care about it's citizens. I want our country to have nationalized health care. I understand that there are issues with it but everyone deserves medical attention when they need it. With my job I spend about $170 most months for medical. I then spend hundreds more on doctor visit copays, prescription copays or emergency room copays. At least 30% of my salary is going for medical costs. The rest is going for ever rising utilites, food and gas. In the past year my costs for those things have gone up so much my raise couldn't come near keeping pace.
In the meantime the executives of those companies received outrageous bonuses. Even my wealthier friends are saying how much things have gone up. Right now I have two friends who will no doubt lose their homes in the next six months unless they find someone to bail them out.
I think we need a big change in this country and I am going to do my small part to effect it.

Kicking Back a Bit

This week I was fortunate to get Friday off work. When workload is light some of us are allowed to take the day off, unpaid of course. I jumped at the chance. (Dismissing thoughts of new couch which had been ordered but not yet paid for, or car repairs being done on Monday). My friend and her husband came about four p.m. on Friday. They said they were staying for the whole weekend but ended up leaving on Saturday. My friend is usually able to drink and hold her liquor. Not sure why but Friday night after a few margaritas she was not feeling well. She tossed her cookies several times and once there was a mess to clean up in my guest room. Her husband was now glued to the tv watching the olympics so that job fell to me. Ugh. She did come with dinner in hand, chicken breasts for the grill, tomatoes from her garden which were delicious and even cheesecake for dessert. Did I mention Patron tequilla? Whew.
On Saturday she woke up at 6:30 and went downstairs for a snack. That of course set my dog wanting to be investigate and we were woken up. My house is a difficult house to entertain in.
There is no family room or den, just a small living room with the tv in it. When a guest takes the remote and puts on what they want there is no other place for others to have quiet unless they go outside. The kitchen has a partial wall and is completely open to the living room so you cannot really have a conversation there when the tv is loud. I am not a fan of sports on tv and I found myself doing things like laundry to avoid that room. Later we did go out for a nice lunch and popped into a few stores. Got some nice soaps for sale. I also splurged on some "hotel quality"....make that 5 star hotel quality sheets. Over the past few years I have had the worst sheets. I have a thick mattress and some don't accomodate that. These have deep pockets and I just put them on the bed. Tonight I shall luxuriate on cotton sateen sheets with a very high thread count. On yes, life is good. I am enjoying a quiet Sunday at home and tonight the luxury of cotton sateen. Does it get better than this? :)

Just another brick in the wall

Somedays are so repetitious that I want to scream. Then come the weekends and I fantasize about what will happen and it is very far from the reality of what does happen. The dog wakes us up by 7 a.m. For the life of me I don't know how anyone else is able to sleep late who has a pet but Duffy breathes heavy and whines. By the time I get up and go downstairs to let him outside I am now fully awake. I never can get a nap because later in the day the neighborhood kids are out there making a ton of noise. This neighborhood has the most kids I have ever seen. Note to self never buy another house in the winter months when you can't judge this. I am more and more thinking my next purchase will be in an adult community. Not that I dislike children but at my stage of life when I don't have little ones the noise is distracting from my senior activities such as reading books or gardening. Neighbors drop by which causes Duffy the Lunatic to swing into action. He barks and growls and then said neighbors rarely want to come inside. This defeats the purpose of them coming I think.

I received a disturbing email this week from a family member (sort of). In it they accused me of not appreciating my husband followed by another offensive remark. I appreciate my husband immensely. People are so quick to judge others. They have no idea what it's like to work a stressful job and rush home and then deal with dinner on the table, greeting the pets, having someone at the door and their phone call. I need a bit of downtime and sometimes my darling who has been home two hours already loses sight of that. He tries to make my arrival a welcoming time but sometimes one just needs to slither into the comfy chair and regroup.
(Author of email frequently refers to hubby's childhood home as his home. His home (by his choice) has been here in NJ with me the last eight years and he has emphasized this many times with this being ignored.)

I have ordered a sofa which is not beautiful as my last new sofa I ordered was. This was chosen for comfort and quality. I am hoping we will really enjoy it. We picked a fabric and it will be another two months before we can take delivery. It is hard when you are also working around other items in the room colorwise. My chair and a half is gold, eggplant and a brownish/green and the sofa will be a brownish gold quality fabric. I would rather buy something once of quality than replace several inexpensive items over and over.

I am tired and heading to the shower. Trying to get my mind ready to return to work after a three day weekend this week. Next weekend we are having houseguests, my friend and her husband. They are bringing plants and going to do some gardening work for me that I have not been able to do. Looking forward to that. There are just not enough visits with friends these days.

Doing the Right Thing

Today I did something I never expected I would have done. I accompanied my ex spouse to a doctor for a visit. He began having memory difficulties twenty years ago after what was probably a partial complex seizure. Since then his short term memory has been problematic.
He also began having some violent outbursts shortly afterwards. When he has seen doctors he has not been able to relate the things that he cannot remember. I offered to go and fill that in for him at his new neurologist today and I did.

What is interesting is the feedback I have received from others. Some praised me for being so kind to someone who in the past didn't show me much kindness. Others said I should have named a price to do this for him and guaranteed I would get something back out of it. That is just not me. I did mention to him today that as part of my divorce settlement I was getting his life insurance. When he retires in two days the value of what it was at my divorce will be reduced by 90%. He never told the lawyer that the policy would drop to that when he retired. Several years ago I would have come completely unhinged by this. Today I am a mellower person. I brought this to his attention and I am hoping he may do something to compensate me for this, if not then so be it. I cannot give him the power to make my life miserable. I won't do that to myself.

I am so tired. Although I love having an extra day off of work the ten and a half hour days are so long and tiring. I would prefer a five day week instead. Going to see if I can get something done about that.
Time for bed and hopefully a good night's sleep.

WF

For the first time in my life. I am a minority in the workplace. When most people think of a minority they think of race. There are many factors which can apply to being in the minority.

I am a middle aged employee. It hurts to even say or write it. In the workplace there are so many people in their twenties or thirties. There are about half a dozen of us who are fiftyish.

The younger of the employees have been going to movies, out to dinner, for drinks and even organizing social activities. I am in the minority also by being married. Most are single or divorced. After working ten hour days (which means I am gone from my home for twelve hours) I come home, usually express gratitude for something my loving spouse and caretaker has prepared for me to consume, try to veg out in front of the TV and prop my feet up for two hours before falling into my bed and slipping into a comalike state. (Oddly enough I wake about 4 a.m. the next day and often cannot go back to sleep.) The next day I listen with sheer amazement to how these youthful coworkers went out to dinner, had drinks and went to a club to dance while I slept. I still seem to be more tired than they are. Having said that, I am not sitting there consuming several Red Bulls as they do. I have ONE caffeinated coffee and a soft drink at lunch time. Some of these people make towers with their empty cans. I have to wonder if they were forced to stop this habit if they would crash and burn.

I work with a melting pot of people. I enjoy that. We are a company of diversity. I find it fascinating to talk to people from India about the ashrams and other aspects of their religion.

I have been in conversations where I was the only white person and the conversation was about discrimination and I was told that because of my complexion I would never be the victim of that. I was the minority for the moment and for the first time in my life I realized what that felt like.

Life is so interesting. Even though there are times where I am a bit uncomfortable I am still learning. I am getting to know the most wonderful woman in her late fifties. She is very wise and I am the recipient of many of her insights. I hope I never stop learning.

This weekend I get to spend time with my grandmother. She will be turning 96 this Tuesday and I get to spend that special day with her. I was realizing the other day what a young grandmother she was. I was born when she was just 42. I was 12 when she was my age now. She has enriched my life in so many ways. She looks fabulous for her age and I have more gray hair (underneath the dye) than she does. I have seen her mellow with age. She doesn't feel that divorce is the end of the world as she once did. She actually deffended me to a minister. She accepts the interracial couples in our family and often comments about the beauty of the babies.

She has seen so much. She buried her parents, seven siblings and her husband. She has lived a rich life and her own mother lived to be 97. She can still drive if necessary and she still gardens and scrubs her kitchen floor from time to time on her knees. You know, they just don't make 'em like that anymore. I hope to have her for a few more years. In her words "God willing".

Ten hours to the weekend

My ten hour days are longggggggggggggggggg. Although I love having my Tuesdays off the four days I work are really difficult at times. This week we had a lot of system issues which caused me to make a mistake. That gave me stress. Thankfully my boss took care of it for me and knowing someone has your back and is working for you really helps.

My birthday was Tuesday. I was sick with a sinus infection. Really knocked me for a loop.
My three brothers called to wish me a happy birthday and my sister. That is rare. We had planned to do dinner and a movie but I wasn't up for it. Another day. I did get my cake and it was lovely and ever so delicious. The following day my neighbor showed up with a gift as I was opening a box which arrived earlier in the day. My mother-in-law sent me a generous gift of cosmo supplies, a fabulous hand painted martini glass and even some snacks. Guess what yours truly will be sipping this weekend? My niece is coming to visit my parents with her baby, Harrison. He is a cutie only a few months old. Seeing him will be a treat. Hoping I can find a few minutes to pick him up something.

My yard looks so beautiful. Our shrubs are covered in white or pink flowers. My rose of sharons are covered in huge blooms, my Princess Diana rose bush has the most gorgeous blooms and even the side has huge day lily blooms. For my birthday I selected a beautiful clay bird bath. It's truly a work of art, will try to get some pics of it. How I love nature. Yesterday at work a wonderful gentle soul from India was praying. He told me that each morning they must praise the sun to get good luck for the day. Interesting. Someday I hope to be able to go to an ashram to enjoy the meditation. In the meantime my heart does give thanks for the beauty of my own tiny yard and the creatures that share it with me.

Happy 4th of July weekend

I truly enjoyed seeing my bff at her daughter's wedding. Whew it was hot in Philadelphia last weekend as we took a trolley tour of the city in a bus with no a.c. The bride was lovely wearing a gown she designed. The bride wore hot pink satin shows that were so pretty and her bridesmaid gowns matched. The flowers were hot pink for the most part and so beautifully done by the bride's Aunt Suzanne who flew in from Germany with her son Zach for the wedding. Sue worked so hard for days getting things just so. There were no paper mache containers but lovely glass held the lovingly placed blooms. No one type of flower but everything imaginable from roses to hydrangae blooms. The cocktail hour and reception were held at the Seaport Museum. While we dined we overlooked water. Of course we enjoyed ourselves dancing and the wedding cake was served surrounded by the most wonderful summer berries; strawberries, raspberries and blueberries. When the reception ended we journeyed back to the hotel and sat shooting the breeze for a couple more hours. The next day we had brunch then made our way home. It's nice to get away and it was a lovely weekend. It is so good to sleep in your own bed though!

Yesterday I woke up feeling achey with intestinal distress. I just hung out on my sofa watching a Law & Order marathon. Low key. We didn't even fire up the grill. Today my sister arrives from New York for a few days. Guess we will have some kind of dinner with her at my parents later.
I remember being a kid and just loving the fireworks. I remember the joys of sitting on the steps of the house I grew up at having ice cream and having friends drop by. It doesn't have the same feeling anymore. I am just glad to have a paid holiday from work. I have been really tired the past two weeks. The doctor did my blood tests and everything is okay except for my "blood thinner" that needs increasing. Hoping that will have me feeling better soon. Now time to get the day started! Perhaps a little shopping sometime this weekend.

Thoughts on Friendship

Today I am getting ready to leave to attend the wedding of my best friend's daughter. I remember the day the lovely Elizabeth was born. Her Mom had a son and was so hoping for a daughter. She called me the minute she was born, from the delivery room! She was overjoyed. She had just moved into her first house after having had a condo when her son was born. I was there to help her move, she was eight months pregnant and wasn't able to do much more than supervise. We met when we were ten years old and we are now fiftyish. Forty years of friendship. We have had a falling out along the way. I was very hurt over a letter she sent me when angry. She asked me to forgive her before the letter arrived but it took me years to get over what was said. Looking back it wasn't so bad. It's just that the letter arrived shortly before my son was diagnosed with leukemia. She called him in the hospital and offered to come be there with us. I wasn't ready at that time. When I was ready and called her she was there within hours. We have been through so very much together. I have been at two of her weddings and she two for me. We have been through pregnancies, births, moves and deaths of loved ones. We are going through menopause together after years of getting our periods on the same day! Her friendship is a sheltering tree. People say we are so much alike.She is tall and thin and I am short and heavy. We share a rich history. Noone gets me like she does. The private jokes go back for decades. Damn, I am so lucky and today I get to go and share in one of her special days again.
What really put me over the top was when she called last week and we were talking. Her daughter was discussing the seating arrangements and she asked where I would be sitting. Her daughter responded that I would be sitting with the family because I am the same as their biological family. I was so touched. Her daughter has decided to use the name Elle instead of her full name. That makes our connection even stronger. Today is a special day for a young lady who is family to me and I feel honored to be sharing it with her other family. Today once again I will be sharing the life of my friend who has become my sister of the heart. It feels so good.
Thank y0u Deb for being a part of my life. I am hoping there are many more memories yet to be made. Love you girlfriend.