I don't like Mondays............

Why do the weekends go so fast? I had so very much to do that the weekend flew by although I was able to work in my father's birthday party, picking up my car, getting my hair cut and colored, buying a black suit for my new job and a Sunday breakfast with my sister. On Sunday night although I was cream crackered I witnessed most of the game as the RED SOX once again became the victors of the World Series. I am happy about this because my darling and his family are huge fans. Congratulations RED SOX fans and you know who you are. :)

Back to work today. I am in training in some highly technical classes. I have to know how a call works and is received and every minute detail of how the internet works as well. I have to tell you that this company is awesome in it's expectation that if you work for a communications company then you need to know just how it works. My brain feels on overload at times but I am doing okay with an A average thus far. Hope I can keep it up.

Oh happy day

I started my new job on Monday. Can we say "Sweet?" I have to tell you that this company is amazing. I have been told that our company owner sold a previous website for 300 million. I do not know this for fact.......I was just told. This guy pays us well. On top of that I am having some perks that I am loving. Firstly, there are gourmet coffee machines everywhere and you have access to it all day. As though that were not enough there are bowls filled with fresh and wonderful fruit and they are FREE. That's right: FREE!!!! We are also given a monthly credit for the cafeteria and I have to tell you their food is out of this world and reasonably priced.

Had our first exam yesterday for the training. I got a 99. So close to perfection but hey I'll take it! I am really liking this company and it's treatment of employees. Respect for fellow employees is highly emphasized, as well as tolerance. It's easy to get along with others when you feel so appreciated, all of you. Of course there are always the moaners who will look for the fly in the ointment. Sorry but I don't see anything wrong. I wish the benefits kicked in now but I have to wait for 90 days. They are well worth waiting for. I am grateful to have this opportunity.

NEW THINGS ABOUND

On Monday I start a new job. While I have enjoyed the time spent focusing solely on real estate, the market it not doing enough for me right now and I need some guaranteed income. I will once again be working in customer service which is my forte. I will have paid vacation and health benefits and all the wonderful incentives that work provides. I will also be going to work in a new vehicle which we purchased Friday evening. I have tried uploading a picture of the car but right now Blog Spot will not cooperate so perhaps later.

We made an excellent deal getting a leftover. I will have an extended warranty, 7 years of 100,000 miles so I can rest a bit easier. One minor snafu was that my manager backed into it leaving a dent yesterday but that will be fixed quickly and I will be provided with a rental car while the work is done.

I am so very excited about receiving a STEADY paycheck. The amount will be nice and in the neighborhood I have not received in the past almost five years. Finally, I can put some away and replenish emergency funds that were used.

Fall weather has arrived and I am loving it so very much. The chill in the air is invigorating.
Today I am off this afternoon to my new employer's huge building to fill out paperwork. They insist that you have direct deposit, not a bad idea. The building is really cool and the atmosphere is so wonderful there. People do not seem stressed out. I am eager to begin this new chapter of my life. Dress is business casual and that alone thrills me. Look out here I come!

Tears, Memories and Wishes

I just read a blog entry by our cousin Luke. It was beautiful and touching. Two weeks before Jennifer died, his sister Lynn got married. We wanted to attend that wedding but we also wanted to be there for our niece's communion and to be there for baby sis at the end. We just couldn't make another trip. Those trips are about 500 miles round trip. My car is eight years old and the trip is expensive, not only the gas but tolls too. Luke called his entry "a beginning and an ending." After he drove all the way from Michigan to attend his sister's wedding (he did visit Jen in the hospital as well) he drove back two weeks later for Jen's funeral. While the circumstances were not the best, we did enjoy talking with him. I enjoyed getting to know him. It makes me feel good to know that others are memorializing Jen. Luke has a page in his blog with photos of her. I have days that I still cannot believe this petite young woman so full of life, is gone. I touched her lifeless body and still a part of me refuses to accept the harsh reality that I will never see her again. Thoughts like this quickly make me think of her 9 year old daughter. I wonder so often what she is thinking. I wonder if she will remember all the fun, good times she had with her Mom? Jen so loved Halloween. (Above pic is my mil, Jen and Cassie a few years ago.) She got dressed every year and went trick or treating with Cassie. She made special hair ribbons and decorations for every minor as well as major holiday. She leaves such a huge void and no matter how hard we try, I don't think anyone can fill her shoes. Despite the fact that they were so tiny. Each week I try to send Cassie a piece of mail or two. Sometimes they are just little cards but they are reminders that she is loved.

I found a beautiful piece of quilted fabric and will have my friend make it into a blanket for her doll. She and her grandmother are coming for Thanksgiving. I can hardly wait. Holding her is the best RX for our pain. She has just started violin lessons. She will have a captive audience when she performs for us. I hear she has asked her Daddy to buy the miniature violin which is sold for her doll. To know this little girl is to love her....and we do.

The Last Week

The last week found me not feeling well. I ended up not going to work functions due to that. I also know that I will be starting a new job and I am not highly motivated with the old routine.
I went to the periodontist and on Friday I saw an internist and along with an antibiotic script I received my required flu shot. My arm is hot and sore but I slept about three hours later than usual and am feeling rested today.

Last night we had a frustrating experience with our Pogo game playing. Pogo has a high stakes poker room which I never go into but my spouse enjoys. Some new player who was around for three days waiting until the pot token got really high and then refused to play. He was waiting for everyone to leave the room so as the last remaining player he could win the pot by default.
This really upset the usually genteel man of the house and I agreed with him. I cannot stand people who cheat, and it infuriates me that a company does nothing about it. We and at least a dozen other people reported his screen name and nothing seems to have been done. One woman came in after seeing his screen name and told us he had done the same thing the day before to her father. I know that this is a game and the tokens don't really mean anything. That is not the point. I feel that people need to know not to take, by trickery or outright thievery, what is not theirs. I believe in forgiving people, providing they are sincerely sorry. Clearly, this is not the case. My husband taking the high road has chosen to let it go. It will take me longer and I will always be telling others to watch out for this dishonest person.

I read an interesting book this week, Middlesex. It was recommended on Oprah's book club.
Have to say that although it was interesting I felt the constant jumping around from the deep past and the future interrupted the flow of the story. I was disappointed in it. I still have another book I purchased that she had chosen and after a few attempts, I still cannot get through it. The books I have most enjoyed recently are those by Jodi Picoult.

Have a good week.

A Breezy Saturday

I have longed for a Saturday like the one I had today. Nice and sunny with a cool breeze. I had a bit of a stressful yet good week. On Monday I went for my final interview which ended up being two interviews but I was offered a good job. I have not received a paycheck like the ones I can anticipate in about five years. It will certainly make things easier and better for us. The past few weeks Rob has taken every minute of overtime offered to him. He is trying to fill the gap left by such a slow market. The market is not dead but it is slow and most of the agents who are conducting business are having customers from the past. The buyers who are looking seem to think there is something better still waiting out there. That is not a good situation to be in if you need a steady income as I do.

The new job will be five weeks of training which I will work normal hours. After that I will be working an unusual shift that will find me arriving home about eight thirty in the evening. The thing is I will be eligible for bonuses for accepting that position so I think it is worthwhile.
Every time I think of getting a nice paycheck I begin to do the happy dance.

Fall is Here

Fall is here and I am loving it. One small tree in my yard is losing it's leaves. The grass is greener now that the scorching sun isn't baking it daily.

There is a crispness in the air and I want to get to a local orchard today for the freshly picked apples. I have already purchased my Halloween treats. Individual bags of popcorn with a few Halloween decorations on them. I gave these a few years ago and the kids loved them. I live in a development and get about 115 children each year. They love to come here as sometimes I dress up but the dog is always in a costume. Last year he was Elvis. I have a huge box of Halloween decorations in the attack that will be coming down something this week. The best part is knowing that when Halloween is over, Thanksgiving will follow it.......and later Christmas. So much to anticipate!

I am on the way to the mall to pick up shoes I am having repaired. On Friday I was out and about when a strap broke. I couldn't walk in them at all and had no spare pair in my car as I sometimes do. I dropped them off with the shoe repair man who is wonderful. I am picking them up and I believe I may put a spare pair in my trunk. It was not fun walking out of the mall on all the cement and hot asphalt in barefeet. Have a wonderful Sunday.

The Wheels on the car go round and round

Today I went to a job agency. I did several tests to see what I qualified for. As much as I like the thought of being a real estate agent, it has been difficult because the market has slowed and being a new agent I do not have the clientele to fall back on. I have worked very hard but I need some guaranteed income. It has frustrated me that family members from other states have done business with strangers. I could have done a referral for them and received a piece of the commission. My theory is it's better to have someone who knows what they are doing find an agent for you rather than blind luck leading you to a stranger. Sadly, I guess others don't see it that way. I have had nine months of money going on with none coming in and I just have to have some guaranteed income. I have many things that I want to do that cannot be considered without it. Money IS a necessary evil. The good news is that I scored very well on the grammar portion. Good grammar is second nature to me. I'm not sure why that is and perhaps when I am tired that doesn't come across to others but I do know proper grammar.

I am glad the weekend is here. I am not doing an open house. I will be putting a few hours in the office tomorrow.

On a sad note someone I met only once but who was a generous and caring person passed away this week. Candy Lynd was a friend and coworker of my Aunt Judy's. When my son had leukemia she contacted her daughter who was a personal assistant to my favorite boxer, Sugar Ray Leonard. My son was a huge boxing fan. Delivered to the hospital were a pair of autographed boxing gloves. These came in the darkest hour and my son lit up like a Christmas tree. As though that were not enough a few weeks later a pair of tickets arrived which were close to the ring. My son left the hospital and boarded a train into Madison Square Garden with his Dad to see that fight. It was something he still talks about. All this because of the caring of a teenage boy she had never met. Last week when I knew Candy was so ill I sent her a card once again thanking her for her part in making my son so happy. I pray that her family will find comfort and that she will rest in peace. What really matters when you die is what you leave behind in the thoughts and hearts of other people. She will never be forgotten.

A Visit to New England

Over the weekend we traveled to New England, Rhode Island specifically for our niece's 9th birthday. This was the first birthday without her Mom. I knew we had to be there and do something that would be so special it would occupy her thoughts instead of the huge void left by her Mom's absence. She had mentioned that her stepsister had an American Girl doll and so did one of her cousins and she thought they were wonderful. I made a vow to myself that she would have one. Not only did she get the doll but she got the beautiful metal bed, night table, an antique typewriter, phone and gooseneck lamp, carpet, pillows and several outfits. Some were obtained used but in mint condition. She was really surprised. We had her open the furniture first and the doll last. She carried the doll all over with her, took her to church and put the doll bed touching her own. For the first time since June, she slept alone in her room with her new pal, Kit. It was very touching as she leaned over to me and said "I've always wanted an American Girl doll." To see a smile on a child's face, a child who has been through so much this past year, really made my heart smile. My mother-in-law found it very difficult to have the party without her daughter there. It was hard for us to be there and seeing Jen's room with so much gone. There were more things there than I would have imagined. When I see certain things that I have given her such as the angel that holds a banner saying "My sister is laughter on the cloudiest day" it hits you hard. Like a sucker punch to the gut. We went to the cemetery and it seems surreal to us. There were notes from her long time friend, Fred. Fred arrived early that morning to blow up balloons with a helium tank he had purchased. That guy is okay. So now as I climb into my own bed, I get a visual of our little princess in her bed and Kit's bed touching hers. I get great comfort from that. Now the search will begin for a Christmas dress for Kit. I think I will be viewing the American Girl website quite a bit between now and then. Well, time for bed. I am beat and have a full work day tomorrow that will begin at 9 a.m. and end after six p.m.

I am thinking of our Jen and hoping that she can know that her baby girl had a nice birthday. While we tell her daughter that she will never be forgotten and we keep her memories alive with words and pictures, we are trying to also let her know that life goes on. Tragedy strikes, our hearts get broken but we pick up the pieces and we go on. Most people don't learn that lesson at such a young age but our girl knows that she is loved by many people. Somehow I think that will get her through. Goodnight angel.

Autumn is Around the Corner

I have always loved Autumn. I think it goes back to the magic of having my grandparents rake the leaves in their yard. They would rake them against the white picket fence with the rose trellis. My brother Jimmy and I would dive into the piles and roll around. It was sheer heaven. I even remember the smell of them. In my childhood movies that scene was captured one year. I was wearing a faux red leather jacket and wearing my red cowgirl boots. One of my favorite outfits of all time. My brother had a black jacket and black boots. When we got down rolling around in the mountain of leaves my Grandaddy would rake them back together and scoop them up for burning in a metal barrel. Oh the smell of the burning leaves. Now that is illegal. We would go into the house and have some of my grandmother's homemade (NEVER store bought) cookies and cocoa that was made in a pan on the stove. No instant anything for her. Life was grand. I would think about the wonderful holidays that would soon be here. Halloween, Thanksgiving and soon after that Christmas. At night I would open my window to catch a breath of the crisp Fall air. Oh how I love it still.

Sometimes I wish I could be that person for just a few minutes. The person whose entire life was yet to happen. All the promise of a future not yet determined. At this point my father was still stationed in the Navy and we lived most of those years at my grandmother's. It was heaven. We were so cramped in her two bedroom home. My mother was sharing a bedroom with her younger sister who still lived home for part of that time. My brother and I shared a sofa that became a bed. Sometime during the year I was four my mother became pregnant and my father began to build our own house around the corner. I started kindergarten from that house. The following year I got my baby sister. Five short years later my father got a job in New York and we moved to New Jersey. While I saw my grandparents many times after that, and spent some weeks with them during the summer, I always missed being able to walk to their house. Now my grandmother is a four hour drive and my life is so hectic that I haven't been there for years. Today I am feeling badly about that. I simply must go this Fall and maybe I can rake her leaves and have one last dive. See, you really can go home again.....at least for awhile longer.

Happy Anniversary to Rob

Today is my 5th wedding anniversary. It makes me laugh when I remember what I said on our first date "I will never get married again." Strong emphasis on the word never. If I am truly honest, the marriages I have had are complete opposites. In the first one I had little say in anything that really mattered. I was told not asked. Towards the end of it things were good financially but only in that area. I was utterly miserable and so was he. My biggest regret in life was that I didn't end it much sooner. I do have my son and I could never regret that but I think he might have had a better life as well.

I remember our wedding so clearly. My childhood best friend was my maid of honor. I teared up before going in and she asked if I was sure. I said yes, these are tears of happiness because I am finally marrying someone who can make me happy. Happiness comes from within. In that respect, I don't expect someone else to make me happy. MY CHOICE of who I am spending my life with is what brings me happiness. I chose the right person. Someone who has and always will be there for me. In our short time together Rob and I have had a lot of sorrow and tears. That has only drawn us closer. I would have never made it through my heart surgery and recovery without his support. I have dreams of things I want to do for Rob. Those cannot be fulfilled right now because I have started a new career and money is tight. Tonight we will go to the wonderful restaurant where we had our reception. The food is excellent. We will celebrate that with all that we have been through, we still have each other. We are keenly aware of just how fragile life is.

Rob, you are the best man I have ever known (though I must admit my grandfather is right behind you.) There has never been a day, a minute, where I have questioned myself about us. I am so very grateful for you and I hope and pray we have many more healthy years together. You are truly a blessing and I will never take that for granted. I simply adore you.

Busy

The past few days I have been covering for a coworker who is on vacation. She had a lovely couple who wanted to put an offer in on a home. The homeowner feels he should get his asking price which is not in line with the neighborhood. It's unfortunate when you come across a homeowner like this. In the business we pull "comps". These are homes which have things very similar to the one we are trying to place a value on. When homes are in a development it makes doing this very easy. It's so disappointing for a buyer to have to deal with someone who is not realistic. When there are many homes on the market, pricing a home right is crucial for it to sell.

My cell phone, the razor has a non functioning keypad. I went to the AT&T (formerly Cingular) store today. They told me I had to deal with the manufacturer but it was under warranty. For me who is on the cell phone at least a dozen times a day, not to have it working, is a hardship.
I had some voice mails which showed up two days late in addition to the keypad problem. They promised to have one to me no later than Friday with me paying for the expedited shipping.
This is the last time I buy a cell phone because I love the color and the thinness of it. If I continue to have the problems with the delayed voice mails I will be switching companies. Tomorrow I have another long day. I have worked two of the longest days ever this week already. I am working Saturday and Monday on Labor Day. Being a realtor is NOT an easy job. There are some wonderful things about it but you have to be flexible with your time. When someone wants to act quickly you accomodate them.

OH what a beautiful morning.......oh what a beautiful day.....I've got a wonderful feeling........everything's coming my way!!

It has been a crazy past two weeks. I was sick but going downhill slowly and not realizing how sick I was until Saturday when I woke up feeling SOOOO much better. I feel really good today too...........
I had a situation at work which was very delicate. My former mentor is not well and I was floundering and not knowing how to handle it. I couldn't pester her with phone calls with what she was going through but I needed someone to bounce my ideas off.
Fortunately, a coworker saw the situation and stepped up to the plate and called her and explained that I would never be so unkind to complain but that I was being put in a difficult situation. Much to her credit she made contacts and saw that I have a new mentor now. I pray daily for my previous mentor that all will be well with her and I am grateful that during her difficult time she did something to help me. I will never forget that and hopefully sometime in the future I can repay her in some way. I am more grateful to my coworker than I could ever say.

The weather last week was so crummy. It suited me being sick I guess. All was dreary. This weekend was all about sunshine. I soaked it up. Every last drop! It was really hot Saturday and I had to work for a few hours in the afternoon. Yesterday it was a bit cooler and I worked again. I feel fortunate to work with people who are helpful, friendly and make my office a happy place to be. If you need help with anything you just ask and although they are "independent contractors" they will take the time.
My attitude is 100% improved over the past few weeks. When you don't feel well, don't sleep and can't put your hand on what's wrong it's hard to feel any direction.
I got recharged over the weekend. I have a full week at work and I look forward to it.
Two coworkers are on vacation and I may have to pitch in a bit there but I am looking forward to it.

As much as I like summer......I love Fall. It's on it's way and I can hardly wait. I already have a new Halloween decoration. A fabulous witch my sister-in-law bought for me. It's my favorite time of the year. All the holidays are fun without the issue of gifts. Just time to have fun and be thankful. Speaking of being thankful.......August 31st will be our 5th anniversary. It has gone by so very fast. So much to be thankful for in my life partner. He is always there for me. Even during the times I try to pull away, he gently refuses to let go. I think I'll keep him. :)

One final thought: I sure do miss the postings in Randomly Rambling. No one had the wit and humor of the beloved author of that blog. I need those laughs again.
Pretty please with sugar on top???

A Great Quote and Some Thoughts

"A great friend is one who gives you what you want to take and takes what you want to give." Mario Batali

I love a good quote. Saw this one on a card which I purchased for my best friend. I have had the same best friend since the age of ten. We have had our ups and downs over the years but she has always been there for me when the chips were down. She is very comfortably financially. Many people think that would cause big problems for us but it really hasn't. She lectures me for being so generous when I give her what I can afford to. She doesn't lavish money or gifts on me but treats me the same as she always did from the time we were children.

I love the internet. I really do. When I think of all I can accomplish on the computer I am amazed. I can find out the weather and even what my local pizza place is serving special for lunch today. I could even order it up in advance. What an amazing tool. What I do struggle with are email addresses. I have way too many (as one blogger can attest to when the other day she asked me just how many emails do you have?) When I began on AOL so many years ago, you could only have 7 letters in your email. I opened my account with Nelclaire which I am stuck with as a master. My family used that and continues to. My darling hubby, then boyfriend gave me a cute nickname and I used that as a second identity which I used for chat rooms and such. I later learned people from there took it and used it on Yahoo and other places. I still have it on AOL and won't give it up. No one emails that one but for sentimental reasons it stays. Nextly I made one up for a religious chat room I went to. I never imagined all the email that would start. Nice people and I still want to stay in touch so that one stays. Next I made a screen name using my actual name. This was going to be the ONLY one I would use. When I began the job hunt I quickly learned that my journal was being read by every company/job agency out there. I felt I had no privacy and tried to make up something else. Ended up deleting both. I now use my Verizon addy for my work email. I was forced by Blog Spot to make up a GMAIL account.
IF I tried to check all these emails all the time I would be crazed. I am trying to think of how I can get down to only ONE email for everything except business. I wonder if the screen name
I Have 2 Many Email Addys is taken. I am open to suggestions.

Appreciating Myself

Today was myself appreciation day. It was long overdue. For the past month or so I have been so bogged down with a cold and all the telltale signs, the cough and dark circles under my eyes.
Yesterday I went to work and had to cancel something I was going to do in the afternoon. I came home and took inventory of my thoughts. I have been pushing myself very hard for the past month. Yes, I needed a day of pampering and spoiling myself. Don't think I take this to any real extreme. I did it with a budget in mind. I started out by going to a new store here that just opened. They sent me a 25% coupon off. I was able to score two lovely tops for work at HALF price each! I also bought a nice quality tee shirt and a necklace that matches one of the "shells".
Got 25% off all of that and the necklace was marked down as well. OH yea I was on a roll and just feeling better about having something decent to wear to work. I had worn white and black nearly all summer. I then headed over to my favorite farm market near the house I lived in for twenty years. It's in the country. I got a huge canteloupe, three huge tomatoes, three large plums, six ears of corn and three green peppers all for under $10.00. The smells of the fresh produce were wonderful. I then hopped over to the factory outlets and bought my nephew a toy at the Disney outlet. I saved about $10.00 on that and found my mother-in-law a Tinkerbell mug for $1.99! Could this day get any better? YES! After that I headed over to my favorite pizza place who makes the world's best salad (IMHO). I came home and enjoyed that and just enjoyed viewing my bargain purchases. Had some of our fresh wonderful produce for dinner.
A fresh garden tomato makes a hamburger right off the grill taste extra good. The corn was so fresh. Came home and had a two hour phone call with someone I rarely get a chance to talk to. My husband is home and the weekend is here. Except for an hour and a half tomorrow we can enjoy each other's company and just kick back. My life hasn't changed in the past 24 hours, only my perception has. Today I stopped to enjoy a few things and recharge. We all need that once in awhile. At this point in my life when my body speaks, I listen.

Saluting a Heroine or two

Brooke Astor dead at 105

I have always thought of Brooke Astor as a heroine. Having enjoyed the museums of New York there are so many places that are the beneficiaries of her wealth. While some people who are wealthy only think of themselves her great life's work was sharing the wealth. I have the utmost repsect for this woman and I think most people in the New York area share that.

For the past few weeks I have been enjoying my 95 year old grandmother's company. This time we did notice memories that were confused at times. She has had such a clear mind for most of her life. She walks a bit unsteady on her feet at times. She has less gray in her hair than I do! It is about 90% brown still. She frets constantly that her hair doesn't look pretty because the beauty parlors in her day used curlers and a set. Now they all want to blow it out. This is a constant source of frustration for her. She still enjoys cooking but this year she had to supervise the planting of her garden instead of doing the work herself. She takes frequent naps but I can only say that if I lived to 95 I would be very happy to be in the wonderful condition she is. Yesterday she was telling me that she lays in bed every morning doing leg lifts. She has been a hard worker all her life and took care of her mother who lived to be 97. We cannot partake of any food without her first blessing it. She thanks God constantly for everything. She is very grateful for everything and thanks us profusely for the smallest things. She has never had much money but she wants to treat us constantly. In short I can sum it up: I have been very blessed to have been touched by this woman's life. I will miss her when she goes home today.

Contemplating many things

Yesterday I learned that someone I know has had a cancer relapse. This is such distressing news in many ways that I won't go into because they are keeping it very private right now and I need to respect that. It seems that my life is constantly touched by this horrible disease and I just wish I could go for a time where I didn't have to hear the word. That word evokes so many negative emotions for me, especially now, with the loss of someone so dear to me. I struggle daily with the emotions of grief and at times disbelief. I have to force myself to think of other things and distract my mind. This week for the first time I have been able to sleep. However, that is at least in part due to the fact that I have been sick. I have the head cold from hell. I wake up with a sore throat and the need to blow my nose a few times but then seem to go back to sleep probably because of exhaustion. I went to work yesterday to see a few new homes that were listed but quickly came home to lay down. Today I am trying to just hang out and rest. Already had two bowls of chicken soup which I swear make me feel better, at least temporarily.
My bed is calling me to come enjoy the soft cotton sheets and quilt. Quilts and down comforters are such great source of comfort to me, especially when I don't feel well. In the winter it is so cozy to crawl under my lightweight but very warm down comforter. In the warmer months I switch to a light weight hand made quilt which I love. I actually own several, some of which were made by my grandmother. Well time to rest.

Simpsonized

It's been hectic here with so much going on. Let's see last weekend my sister arrived with her significant other. I gave a party on Saturday for my grandmother who turned 95 the previous week. I only invited my siblings and their significant others along with us and my parents. There was some complaining that each and every family member should have been invited. Thing is, I was paying and chose to have a buffet supper, on a budget. (Did ya ever notice the ones who do the complaining are the ones who never pay or do anything themselves? Hmmm.)

On Sunday evening as my sister was departing, my mother-in-law, brother-in-law and niece arrived for a visit. We were all so disappointed that we had pouring rain on Monday. We visited my grandmother and afterwards went to get a few things, including some back to school shoes. Came home and had burgers on the grill and hoped for a good day the next day. That morning my brother-in-law slept in until noon. We were told we couldn't/shouldn't wake him and by the time he got up he only wanted to go to the mall. Rob did take the little princess for a miniature golf outing. While they all headed off to the mall I took superpup for his annual visit. He was so well behaved and happily healthy as well. That night I had to go to work and the following morning they were on their way home. The visit went so very fast. It's so hard to do what several people want. I wanted to indulge our niece and do anything she wanted. Unfortunately, she is going through some fears right now. She is terrified of getting lost. When her grandmother was out of her view for a few seconds at the store she screamed her name. She was fearful of going anywhere a crowd would be. That was virtually anyplace that might have been fun for her. I don't know what is the right/wrong thing to do in a situation like this. Three years of psychology didn't tell me how to deal with a fearful eight and a half year old who just lost her mother. I just dispense all the kindness, food, hugs and kisses that seem comfortable for both of us. Meanwhile at times I am washed in a wave of grief and the tears flow. Yesterday we went to the store and made many copies of pictures that we have. I am working on an album for her to have. Most pics of her Mom and her together and a few of her with us or her Mommy with us. Our constant thoughts are of this little girl who is so bright, so strong, so nervous and seems so very vulnerable. Her grandmother is still recovering from a recent surgery and seems so tired. I worry that she is up to this huge task. I worry that as my mother put it "she listened to her heart and not her head." We have told her that we are here as a back up for her. I hope she will take advantage of that. In the meantime my constant thoughts are of how I can make a small difference in this child's life.

On Friday I got a notice from the IRS. They think I failed to report something which I did NOT.

It's a mistake in how the taxes were done and I am afraid a nightmare will ensue. I do not have the money they are claiming I owe them. I have the guy I pay to take care of this working on this and I hope he comes through because I am on stress overload. Somedays seem so very overwhelming as I try to adjust to all the changes and concerns. One day at a time. I keep telling everyone else that and it has to work for me as well.

A Hot Topic

I just read that Amnesty International is saying countries that don't provide abortions are on their list now. This distresses me. With so many other human right issues such as female castration I wish they would not go down this avenue. They are going to alienate many of their supporters.

I was raised to think that abortion was wrong. The irony is that my grandmother told me she had a back woods abortion when it was illegal. She did it because she felt she could not afford a second child. She spent much of her later years regretting that decision. She later became very religious and was adamantly opposed to legal abortions.

When I was in high school I had friends who became pregnant. I cringed when I learned that some of them had abortions. There were many forms of birth control available and for the most part they didn't use any of them. I felt that was very irresponsible. In my early twenties I was becoming more and more open minded and I felt that it was a woman's right to choose. I didn't really think that I could ever personally use that right but having said that, I have never been raped or sexually abused. In those cases, I think every woman should have that option.
When I went to work for a health insurance company my views on abortion changed. The reason for that is how often many women were having abortions. When they called to discuss their benefits they would talk at great length about it. Most of these women were married.
More than one told me that if their benefits didn't cover birth control pills then they would not purchase them but rather make the company pay for the abortion instead. When I had one client have several in one year my view was starting to change. I would never make abortion illegal however I would like to see legislation of some sort that would not permit it to be used as a form of birth control. To me, that is irresponsible and immoral. Perhaps this is only my opinion but it is how I feel. I also have strong feelings about other emotional issues. Having said that when I pick up the paper and read of children who have been murdered by their parents I have to ask myself if that child would have been better off never having been born. Those are not my decisions to make or my judgements to pass but I wish people would take more responsibility for their own actions. Again, I realize that there are people who are victims who are not given that opportunity and that does not apply to them.

On a different topic I was shocked at something I saw on The View yesterday. Barbara Walters, Joy Behar and an African American actress whose name escapes me at the moment, all admitted they had affairs with married men. Only the newer younger Elisabeth had not.
They all felt it was wrong. I am strongly opposed to cheating of any kind. If you make a lifetime commitment to someone then I think if you cannot keep that commitment, you deserve it to let your partner know. My suspicion is that in many of those cases the partner is not happy either. I feel people degrade themselves by becoming involved with married people. The person who is married is not being faithful to their current spouse so why would you want them? I know there are rare exceptions where the cheating spouse is faithful to the new person but I believe those instances are rare. What about the person who was cheated on? It takes them years to rebuild trust, if they ever can. I know women who have never even dated again because they know they can not find it in themselves to trust. I wish we as women would show more respect for ourselves and other women and not become involved with these men.
Sometimes I think that I am becoming more conservative as I age. That worries me. I have always prided myself on having an open mind. Part of having an open mind is the ability to go back and rethink things I guess. I will have to revisit these thoughts in the light of day.
Well, it's nearly 5 a.m. and I have a big day tomorrow. Time to try to get back to sleep.

I am still here

I don't really feel inspired to write much these days. This past week my mother-in-law sent us a box. In it were some of Jen's things she thought I might like. I do like them but I hate that I am receiving them under these circumstances.

On the happy side of life I am working to make Cassandra's 9th birthday magical. She has wanted an American Girl doll and I have been bidding like mad on Ebay to secure her one that I could afford. One in VERY good condition. My neighbor's daughter Skyler, an angel, offered me hers. I told her I would accept only if she would allow me to buy her an ITunes card for her Ipod. I know that she is always wanting a song and her Mom doesn't like her to use her credit card online. She insisted that I did not have to do it but of course I will. In addition to the lovely doll, KIT there are some clothes. Missing is the original skirt Kit was wearing and I am searching Ebay high and low and not finding one. I have found the comforter for the bed that she gave me.
I plan to be in Rhode Island to celebrate this special birthday. I am hoping to be able to put together a little tea party for the birthday girl, a few of her closest friends and cousins and their dolls. I have obtained some little porcelain baskets to use as favors. These are the things that I try to keep my focus on right now. I have already ordered the Christmas outfit for the doll for her. I am hoping I can find a similar dress for her. (When she was at her Mom's wake she had a bear in a dress like hers. Although it was made for this doll she didn't have one and improvised.
I vowed to get her the doll and I think she will be thrilled.) Life goes on. I am sad much of the time and I have so many questions I would like to ask Jen. I want to call her and hear her voice. I want to hear her say it just once more "I love you" as she always did when we ended our conversations. When grief washes over me I just remember the words of Kahlil Gibran about sorrow and they are so very true
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
This is the price we pay for loving. It is hard but I am happy to pay it for someone who brought so much joy and laughter into my life.