Something happened recently at work where my mind began to go into overdrive about why certain people do things. I found myself trying to figure out a motive for such childish behavior in a work environment and this began a spiral of thoughts about why people are the way they are. I believe most people are the way they are because of their life experiences. Obviously the type of home you grow up in plays a large part in that. Still when we become adults we become redefined as we make a home and family of OUR choosing. So many of us raised to feel that who we were was reflected by the home we had or the family we presented to others, were set up to feel like failures. I was raised to think that when you married someone if that was a nightmare, it was of your choosing and you had no choice but to endure it. In my forties I broke free of those chains of thought and began to search for the me who had been lost living with someone who was not right for me. It was a long and difficult journey to get where I am today. Still, I do not feel that defines me as much as being a cancer survivor. I have lived with the rollercoaster of anxiety and fear, and yes, hope for thirty years. During that time I also went through leukemia with my only child, who also, thankfully, is a long term survivor.
Perhaps because the treatment, that I had back then, was so intense and the physical results life changing, my life never was the same. I had my spleen removed which left me immune compromised. I have had skin cancer and now am dealing with another. I have had heart surgery and that opened another set of issues and medications. This is my life and I am grateful for it.
I cannot imagine what it would be like to be a normal person, although I strive to live my life as normally as I can. I never allow myself to think what my life might have been like because my son was only three when I was diagnosed. My thoughts were for him and wanting him to be taken care of by his mother. I have often wondered if taking him to the radiation clinic predisposed him to leukemia.
Life goes on. Each day I get up and go to work and I do all the things that a normal person does. However, not a day goes by that I don't find myself having this thought "Thank you God for another day." I don't think many people ever have those thoughts. I think the passing of days goes unnoticed. It's expected. With me, over the years, I have learned not to be so anxious. I have come to accept that whatever will be will be. I have learned to appreciate nature and people and acts of kindness to a degree that many people never will.