Still Here

I honestly came on today with the idea that I would delete this blog. I keep having this inner turmoil about how much I care to share and how much I want to keep private. Somedays I am ready to become a hermit, others I long for company. When I think of all the friends that I once had it's mind boggling. Where are they now? Again, some people who ignored me for years want to now be in  my life. That does not work for me. I no longer trust them. There are a few real friends who have hung in there with me but they are the exceptions.

We started to go to church again last August and I am so happy for that. The people are great and I really like it. It helps me.

My health since December has been terrible. I was hospitalized the first two weeks in February with internal bleeding. An endoscopy showed an ulcer on my esophagas. Since then I have battled with anemia and the ongoing stomach issues. A few weeks later I developed gout in  my right ankle. To walk was so very painful and the swelling was so bad I have not been able to get into any except one pair of oversized shoes. I saw four doctors for this and the last one gave me some medicine that seemed to help a bit. As though that were not enough to deal with our freezer in the refrigerator went. I had a $250 repair (had to throw out all food) and a month later when it happened again the guy said now the compressor had gone. We had to go out and buy a completely new refrigerator (and of course replace the food for a second time.)

I am fluid around my lungs again. Eventually I will have to be rehospitalized to remove it. I dread that. I have an upper respiratory something going on as well and the inhaler which keeps  me breathing causes insomnia. None of this is fun.

On the upside I am still here. Easter will be quiet here, probably with take out meals. I am not up to making big meals. My sister is expected to be here part of Sat. and part of Sun. and will probably go out to dinner with my mother. My son will come over and prepare a vegan dish of some sort. He is faithful with watching over me. I try hard to focus on the good stuff: my husband and my son. Most importantly,  I have my faith in God. I don't understand why I must go through this. I hate dragging oxygen when I go out and feeling stared at. Still, I know that there is an order to things, a plan. While I don't understand it, I have to trust Him. He will see  me through.

Winter Hiatus?

As you can see, I have not been wanting to blog anymore. Honestly, I haven't wanted to do  much else either. It has been so cold here and I haven't felt well the past month. Four trips to the doctors and three courses of antibiotics and I am not much better. I am sick of dealing with all the health issues.

It has been a great source of frustration to me that people who ignored me basically for  years seem to think they should know what is going on with my health right now. The more dire the situation seems, the more it bothers me. In the past I have always been an open book but I feel that when you don't call me, see me for years on end, you are not a real friend. I deleted Facebook because too many people were on there that were doing this. They seemed to never read status updates but would then simply ask over and over "how are you?' I lost all patience with this and have kept those who have been there for me in the loop via phone, IMs and real visits. I am curious, do you think I am being unreasonable?