Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Just a Note

Yesterday I was kind of down. It's really hard when the vast majority of your money goes for medical. Things like vacations never happen and we hardly go out for dinner anymore,unless it's someplace cheap. I miss the life I once had. Working enabled us to have such a higher standard of living. My doctors have told me I cannot work again. I know that I cannot but it's still hard to wrap my head around it. So much of my self esteem came from being independent. My social security disability money is so low that it doesn't cover my medical cost let alone anything else. Thank God I have a working husband.

It seems I have developed allergies. My sinuses keep stopping up and I cough a lot. If it persists, I will have to see the lung doctor. It's interfering with my sleep. I still cannot touch any fried food. Last night I decided it had been nearly three months since my surgery and tried to eat a chicken cutlet. I was in so much pain. I must be content now to live on burgers and salads and sandwiches. I can't touch tomato sauce without getting intense heartburn. I just keep waiting for this to get better.

Yesterday my toilet was running nonstop. The only way to stop it was to turn off the water to it. I knew I couldn't afford a plumber. I looked inside and saw that the stopper was in bad shape so Rob picked one up on his way home from work. I think it will be okay now. For me to have to go upstairs each time I needed to use the bathroom was a great difficulty. As I was feeling down I saw my newest neighbor, Andy, go to our mailbox. He and his wife are newly married and very sweet people. We have already met their families and were welcomed to their house warming. We had taken gifts and Rob helped Andy dig his fire pit. The note brought me to tears. They thanked us for being such wonderful neighbors and told us that we had been a blessing to them. It said that they in turned hoped to be a blessing to us. Yesterday they certainly were. Their note really lifted my spirit. It made me realize that while I cannot do big things for others anymore, I can show them friendship and make them feel welcome. I can still be a blessing to someone.
I have to redefine who I am and what my capabilities are. Thank you dear neighbors, thank you.

Friday, August 02, 2013

August Thoughts

It's hard to believe it's already August. It seems that July blew by me, most of it being spent on medical visits and problems. The last week in July I was finally able to make contact with my doctor's team who moved from U Penn to Temple University a few months earlier. I have an October appointment to see him for my pulmonary hypertension. Last week I saw my local cardiologist (dubbed Doctor Dreamy by one of my lung doctors.) He's a good guy who tries to deal with my many issues.

At times I get quite frustrated. From March 6 the day of the attack until mid July I was a slave to the gall bladder problem. First with the tube and bag and later with the open unhealed incision and pain.
I am so grateful that part is over. My incision is over ten inches long and still sore. The area around it is very tender. I have to be careful. It seems that everyone knows someone else who had a gall bladder out using the three hole method who rebounded the following day. Well, that has grown tiresome to hear. They didn't have stones the size of golf balls, or two infections in theirs, or my other health issues. I wish I didn't.

I am trying to make the most of the life I have. I live just 40 minutes from the beach  but haven't been there once this year. Over the weekend I want to get down there to just watch the ocean and maybe have a short walk on the boardwalk. Since the weather got so humid, my breathing is labored at times. I need to talk to my pulmonologist about a light weight portable unit. My last x ray report stated a lot of things I didn't want to see. I have degeneration of my spine (again caused at least in part, by the radiation.) My lungs will slowly worsen. I have to deal with it while not allowing myself to get overly stressed about it.

I love life. I am grateful for each additional day. I wish I had more money to do things I want to. Unfortunately, a large portion goes for medical. I have paid $3,400.00  out of pocket for the surgery and doctors plus all medications. One minute the glass seems half empty and the next half full. Sometimes when I think how long I've survived after cancer and heart issues, the glass overflows.
I still have hopes and dreams of things that may come. I just have to keep on keeping on.